Billy Shears

Is it better to have nearly zero friends than to have useless friends?

42 posts in this topic

This isn't meant to sound arrogant but I have had problems with my so called friends for a long time.

I was never really popular or had a lot of friends, but there were always three or four people with whom I have contact. Right now I'm having contact with four people which I also meet sometimes. For a long time now, however, I have had the feeling that they are pulling me down rather than doing me any good. I'm closing my best friend out there. I'm happy to have him, we rarely see each other, but for that we have a very trusting and honest relationship. I see the other three regularly, but to be honest I only meet them when I'm bored and lonely. Am I kidding myself? And also the supposed friends?

The bigger problem, however, is that when we meet, there is actually no in-depth conversation and we only meet to be either drunk or stoned, most of the time anyway. Sometimes we ride a bike or go for a walk, but that's not the real thing I imagine among friends.

So the question is rather rhetorical, since I probably already know the answer intuitively. But has anyone else gone through this situation and found a solution or even more suitable friends? I always feel so drained after meeting up with them and this can't go on, otherwise I get more and more depressed and lonely...

I need to work on myself and quit the stimulants in order to get shit done, I don't wanna waste anymore time. 

So any advice from you guys? 

Thanks for taking the time to read through all this. 


Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

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I would agree that it is better to have zero friends than useless friends. You could cut them off completely or "de-rank" their friendships to acquaintances (permanently or as a experiment) and just keep them in your network as you focus on other things.

Also with friends it seems like it is beneficial to have it as a sort of "side-dish" to whatever your endeavors are. Like while working on a business or studying or following a hobby or whatever endeavor you enjoy / find productive - you can do it with others so friendships become secondary to your main purpose, goals and activities. That way you can become independent (and potentually focused) while creating like-minded friends. This also helps in the crucial ability to become okay / content with solitude.

Edited by AlphaAbundance

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Yeah, I was in this situation till couple months ago. Started in my college, we used to get stoned and drunk and that's how it all started, even when I was watching Leo's content regularly, I was not benefitting much because of my commitment and addiction to this toxic relationship brought. So my college had good opportunities for me but I was afraid and couldn't take on it, this was a whole gang of addicts and we used to get stoned and offcourse do things but everything was suboptimal, even we didn't talk deeply about things because the friendship was grounded on addiction, not on similar interests. More we did it, more we got sucked into it. And I was just slowly getting conscious, nad now I am finally sober and in good health with few minor neurotic habits. But it was very tough to get out of, as it was like a sea for me being fish. But I persistently kept trying, meditation did help after quitting it. But I had to leave all my friends because they are still in the same shit. To recover I use to read books from Leo's book list and try to follow on things, try to go through the hard way. I would advice you to just cut from these friends, it will not go anywhere. Rather try connecting people having similar interests.

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2 hours ago, Billy Shears said:

we only meet to be either drunk or stoned

I would drop any friendship based on drugs.

Shitty friendships will drag you down and be a setback on your development. I had many shitty friendships, trust me. Just drop them. If it's possible, find understanding people you can have a good conversation and just chill. Maybe some weed or non-addictive drug here and there but make sure it's not the only thing that bonds you to the person. Maybe ou'll eventually find some psychedelic crazy fans or self-improvement junkies out there, those are the weird people you may be friends if you like that type of shit :D:D

2 hours ago, Billy Shears said:

But has anyone else gone through this situation and found a solution or even more suitable friends

I have. It's possible to find cool friends. Usually, when you find someone you resonate with, they also have several other friends you can also resonate with. Then, make friends with them and your social circle will grow exponentially.

Also, if you pursue your interests with passion you will probably find like-minded people.

2 hours ago, Billy Shears said:

quit the stimulants in order to get shit done

That's a rough, man. I quit caffeine, ritalin and modafinil. In the long-run, having natural energy provided by healthy diet, sleep and exercise will be way better for you body and general well-being. I'm also working on those.

Also, what do you WANT? Where do the people you would like to become friends with go? What they do? What are their interests? Would they like to hang out with you? Be honest here.

Wish you luck!!

Edited by Espaim

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2 hours ago, Billy Shears said:

This isn't meant to sound arrogant but I have had problems with my so called friends for a long time.

The bigger problem, however, is that when we meet, there is actually no in-depth conversation and we only meet to be either drunk or stoned, most of the time anyway. Sometimes we ride a bike or go for a walk, but that's not the real thing I imagine among friends.

So the question is rather rhetorical, since I probably already know the answer intuitively. But has anyone else gone through this situation and found a solution or even more suitable friends? I always feel so drained after meeting up with them and this can't go on, otherwise I get more and more depressed and lonely...

I need to work on myself and quit the stimulants in order to get shit done, I don't wanna waste anymore time. 

So any advice from you guys? 

I would recommend honesty with yourself.. Do you really want to have friends like that? Are they dragging you down?.... then be honest with your friends if you care about them. really comunicate your feelings and your truth, who knows maybe one of them will join you on your path.

A good way to have the friends you want to, is to set the intention, of  really looking for new people. Hey dude, this forum is full of potential friends haha.

This quote might help you..

2183169-Drew-Houston-Quote-You-become-the-average-of-the-five-people-you.jpg

Sorry for bad english:P

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I think you should find a healthy hobby that does not resonate with your friends and slowly gravitate towards it. In my youth, I quit smoking and drinking and started running and eating healthy. As I firmly decided to quit, I started rarely see these friends afterwards as the only thing we did together was mostly partying. Guess what they do know? They still party after all these years and they did not change a bit. I could be with them now If I did not decide to change. 

I was mostly "alone" afterwards, but it was far better to live a life of self-improvement than wasting it like that. 

 

Appearantly Siddharta would agree:

"Should a seeker not find a companion who is better or equal, let him resolutely pursue a solitary course; there is no fellowship with the fool." 

-- Vers from the Dhammapda

(probably took that one out of context) 

Edited by Zanoni

“ In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few. ”
― Shunryu Suzuki

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@Billy Shears People outgrow friends all the time. For me, the two options of “zero friends” or “useless friends” is appealing. Who wants to make that decision when there are so many other options available. For example, if I lost most of the resonance with an old friend, I might no longer hang out with him, yet stay in occasional contact. As well, I could pursue developing new “higher conscious” friendships. You mentioned that you don’t like surface conversations with a focus on getting drunk or stoned. . . What do you envision in the future? What would you engage in to grow and develop yourself? Examples might be getting into creative writing, the Zen of rock climbing, Yoga, meditation, traveling and living in other cultures etc. If you engaged in such activities, you would likely meet people that are exploring at a deeper level and form new, deeper relationships. . . I would also be mindful of the term “useful friends”. For me, the deepest friendships I form are balanced. We each have something to offer each other and we are useful to each other. 

Personally. . . In my younger days, I was a partier and outgrew that faster than my peer group. I no longer found it appealing to drink and hang out with drunks. I got into long-distance running and marathon training. I formed lots of new, healthier friendships. We would run for 3 hours and get into deep conversations. . . . The older friendships kinda fizzled away. 

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I'm in the same situation. I am pretty happy being alone, occasionally I will get a feeling of loneliness or longing after comradeship. I haven't been with them for a while, if they are not going to make contact I won't either. I'm trying to cut them out, but it can be hard, especially when you've known them for over a decade. 

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Yes, I think you already know the answer, I agree with what others said. Be yourself, be open and honest, if you have only 1 or 2 friends who are truly there for the authentic you, that can be very rewarding. Contemplate on why do you want to have deeper conversations? How does a deep conversation with you? I wonder where it will point to. 

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Thanks for your answers, it was nice to hear your point of views ✌? 

It's so hard to quit the contact if they are constantly trying to reach me...

Anyway, I need to find a way to get out of this situation and spend some time alone to create a better lifestyle, even if it won't be easy. Ironically this might be the best time to be alone because of the coronavirus. ?


Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

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Its much easier to have 20 shitty friends, rather than work on keeping one true friend.

This way the Ego can rest easy and know it has many sources to feed off and get attention from. One true friend, sure would be nice, but how is that gonna look on your Tinder profile? Don't be a loner loser focusing on healthy relationships, are you a softy or something? 

And remember, quantity over quality. 


Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

- Edgar Allen Poe 

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20 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

Personally. . . In my younger days, I was a partier and outgrew that faster than my peer group. I no longer found it appealing to drink and hang out with drunks. I got into long-distance running and marathon training. I formed lots of new, healthier friendships. We would run for 3 hours and get into deep conversations. . . . The older friendships kinda fizzled away. 

Did not expect to read my resumé here. I remember i started running 1-2km then ended up applying for the Stockholm marathon in few years afterwards. Had to stop because i got a knee problem, it was a good time.


“ In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few. ”
― Shunryu Suzuki

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1 hour ago, Billy Shears said:

Thanks for your answers, it was nice to hear your point of views ✌? 

It's so hard to quit the contact if they are constantly trying to reach me...

Anyway, I need to find a way to get out of this situation and spend some time alone to create a better lifestyle, even if it won't be easy. Ironically this might be the best time to be alone because of the coronavirus. ?

Remember you don't have to lie to them. Fuck white lies. They don't exist in this sense. Just speak what you feel, you can just politely say to them that you don't enjoy that activity. Whatever that is :) 

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59 minutes ago, Chakra Lion said:

Its much easier to have 20 shitty friends, rather than work on keeping one true friend.

This way the Ego can rest easy and know it has many sources to feed off and get attention from. One true friend, sure would be nice, but how is that gonna look on your Tinder profile? Don't be a loner loser focusing on healthy relationships, are you a softy or something? 

And remember, quantity over quality. 

Exactly, that's what the society seems to expect from you in order to function or be a normal person. If you're introspective and rather like to spend some time alone, you're a weirdo, antisocial or a loser. It takes a strong mind to go your own way and not to care about other people's opinion. I hope you're not on Tinder ?

Edited by Billy Shears

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

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12 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

Remember you don't have to lie to them. Fuck white lies. They don't exist in this sense. Just speak what you feel, you can just politely say to them that you don't enjoy that activity. Whatever that is :) 

Yeah, I already told one of them that it doesn't make anymore to meet each other because of his arrogant, selfish behavior. You know those people who only talk about themselves and suck your life energy out of you? He's one of those people ... 

Edited by Billy Shears

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

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1 hour ago, Billy Shears said:

Yeah, I already told one of them that it doesn't make anymore to meet each other because of his arrogant, selfish behavior. You know those people who only talk about themselves and suck your life energy out of you? He's one of those people ... 

No need to be angry or anything, you are only adding more wood to the fire, just follow the sensation.

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A high spiritual person who wants to fully immerse to enlightenment will transcend "friends", just because they are distractions, they need to be taken care of like a plant, and they create attachments.

Most friends get upset if you dont call them for a while.

Otherwise If you find a friend that loves you unconditionally even if you go 2 years of full monk retreat? then this is the ideal friend, keep it.

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Are you me? This has been my dilemma for the past few months. I tried to ignore our usual group conversation because it really felt for the longest time that I outgrew them, for like many years already. When we hang out, we watch a movie, but they dont to share things on a deeper perspective. You know, the usual funny and surface level convo. When we watched Frozen 2, it felt like I'm the only one who understand the spiritual meaning of the movie. After watching a movie, we usually hangout to a friends place for a another tv series marathon, usually they like to watch horror, iunno I dont like much violence nowadays. Just like you, only surface level stuffs. We have a group chat that I ignore for a couple of months now, until 1 friend of the group (the peacemaker/mediator of all) ask how am I doing and eventually I got suck back to the group. Guess what? its still the same, like I Was expecting to change really ugh.

I do not stress myself about this nowadays though.. I decided last time that they will be no longer be part of my inner circle as I will only keep those who are worth my time and energy.

 

 

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I have very few friends that I call my true friends. 

I don't care too much about friends. Most people like to flaunt them. I don't. 

Be happy with yourself. 

 

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