6 years of self-actualization was a waste of time

[Guest]

About 6 years ago I discovered Actualized.org and became inspired by the concepts of enlightenment and self-actualisation. Gradually pursuit of these took over my life, as I focused ever more narrowly on consciousness work as a way to improve my life. Eventually, I let go of friends, relationships, careers, possessions, hobbies and interests. Did a lot of meditation, yoga, etc. Built a spiritual ego and did some spiritual bypassing, too. Had one awakening experience.

6 years down the line and I am depressed, lost, alone, purposeless and empty. Trying and failing to find a sustainable life purpose I’ve ended up in a much worse practical position than if I’d settled for something less ambitious, and now I've run out of the luxury to keep looking due to personal circumstances. Although my meditation at one point felt like it was significantly clearer, at this point I have to doubt if my concentration is really much better than when I started. I don’t feel any closer to truth, and have completely lost my playfulness, sense of humour and experience of fun along the way.

You have to take a LOT on faith with this work. The guidance isn’t presented as a dogma so much as a ‘try it and see for yourself’ thing. How long an experiment is reasonable to run, however, before lack of willingness to accept ‘it isn’t working’ betrays treating the guidance as dogma nevertheless?

I’ve wasted 6 years of my life on a totally pointless quest, I’m absolutely sick of it, and I’m leaving now to attempt to stitch my life back together again.

One more thing… I have to ask… Leo’s been doing this thing hard for a while now too, right. Let’s detach ourselves from our beliefs about enlightenment and self-actualisation for a mo and look at this objectively. Anyone else think his life looks a bit sad?

[Rilles]

1 minute ago, Stretch said:

Eventually, I let go of friends, relationships, careers, possessions, hobbies and interests.

Who told you to do that?

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Stretch

That's a part of a journey I guess, I assume that because this is the exact same feeling and situation in my life that you are describing. 

How do you want to know your purpose, when you are driven by your friends' needs and their expectations? How do you know what you really want when you think you want the things that you already have because they make you feel safe?

If you want to fill the cup it first has to become empty, right?

FREEDOM: "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." ~Tyler Durden

 

About Leo - notice, that he was a developer for fucking Bethesda and made a million dollars before starting his YouTube channel. He is really serious and honest about his work. Only after going on a journey and discovering these things by yourself, you can really appreciate that.

He speaks from experience, not from dogma and reading the books, you can't just stand there and speak for 2 hours about something, because you read about it and it seems interesting, it doesn't work like that. Your knowledge has to be real, unfuckwithable. At least, that's how I understand that, after putting lots of work and struggle into my own life.

Edited May 1, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Zanoni]

Had the same realization caught up to me a few months ago so I can understand how you feel. I have been on this path for 7 years and it feels as if I wasted all my youth and opportunities to it, all for nothing.

Although I want to believe that this will have at least have a positive effects than not doing it. As it is a more long-term solution and a many lifetime hobby. Still, I sacrificed this life for the lives of the others. As i never had the desire to integrate into society and become like everyone else, just like you and many elsehere.

 It is hard work and we will not be congratulated for it, but it will be worth it in the end.

This will pass and things will be better.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Zanoni

[Waken]

Stretch, what is it that you want from life? Feeling love, joy, peace, transcendence, career, fame, beauty, profoundness, finding a lover.. what? And did you enjoy some of the practises you did? Also, was your business with the spiritual work a lot of mind stuff?

A point on following your life purpose. For myself I find something that Bashar mentioned much more natural when talking about life purpose. See: https://bashar.org/handouts/TheFormula.pdf . This approach doesn't involve working on a purpose, but in short just doing what attracts you most in the moment.

Apart from these questions, please consider the possibility that you've actually progressed a lot and now come into a struggle into your life, which could be seen as an important transformation point. I don't know if this is the case for you, but I suppose it's very common for people who transform into living from spirit/soul (or whatever word you like) will come into one or more points in their journey which involve a period of struggle. The way you interpreted your period of struggle makes a lot of difference in how you'll experience it. For example, relabeling depression as a natural process for turning inwards, as you've come to feel that the answers won't be found outside of you (not from Leo or other actualized.org people), will make you experience it with much more appreciation, instead of thinking you've ended up in a mess.
Maybe your depression is a point of transformation for you, where you stop looking for answers and suggestions outside of you, and learn to live from inward out, instead from outward in.
Throw away all you've ever heard, everyone's tips on how to live and what to do, throw away everything doesn't make you feel good (from actualized.org too), and start feeling what it is you want now

Edited May 1, 2020 by Waken

[electroBeam]

People are never satisfied. Some people say that they wish they had access to life purpose teachings at an early age instead of pissing their life away on sex, friends, youth. And others like the op, say they wish they had sex, enjoyed friends and their youth instead of pissing their life away on life purpose knowledge. Fuck, just be fucken happy for god's sake. When are you ready to throw away the need to have life exactly the way you want it? Like a child who didn't get their candy?

Here's a fun fact: your depression is not from what you did in the past, if you did all those things you wished you did, you'd be even more depressed then you are now. Your problem is you can't accept the way things are, no matter how they are. And you don't know how to forgive yourself and forget what you've done. When you learn that, you'll be a happy chappy, and all that shit in the past doesn't matter because its all beautiful no matter what happened.

Edited May 1, 2020 by electroBeam

[Rilles]

 

[supremeyingyang]

I think  lot of people get the teachings 'wrong' like the OP. Nothing is applicable for everyone to the same degree.

Many people here seem to dedicate themself to spirituality just to realise that they skipped stages.

Sad but true: One has to be extra conscious with the major decisions in ones own life instead of following the leader wherever he says.

@stretch

cool that you are brave enough to talk about that. I think its a big problem with intermediate Students

Edited May 1, 2020 by supremeyingyang

[Applegarden]

I have this to say; This is all entry level things we do, like one of the wors forms of personal development we are doing, lets just say it how it is. Based on the records how people have lived like Krishna and Rada, Rama and Sita, the first Adiyogi, the whole series of Indian or sindu golden ages have come and gone, all that what is possible. Even the traditions that are not broken today are kept VERY VERY poor, like pujas to deities tht grant people extraordinary powers such as shaktis. Like for example Bhuddism is the only ray of joy in that sense - you can't enjoy your activity unles you have to do and sit heartbreaking hours of practice to even maintain the purity and most people get enlightened or psychic after an accident or after some major long disease or things like car accident when they had near death experience. Yes you re right, you are being cheated in so many ways and so many unconscious forces that we have created in our lifestyle are ruling us. Your confusion and anger is not wrong on this, You are hard wired for something so much more. The thing is, it is said by Hindus, you happened to enrich the world in some way you like, but that is nearly impossible to do because what a human being is so badly repressed by yourself even because of these subtle ideas we carry in society. But yes, this self-development ideas that doesn't make your life easy and you have to struggle enormously to attain some high state and drop everything and dismiss life, because there is not enough time in a day because you have to work and engage in people who constantly put you down. And you escape from that in compulsions that drags you down or engage into the dark night of the soul (where you feel like you have to drop everything just to pursue a little bit of difference in your first person experience), which is fine but very cheap, the worst way probably to do spirituality, but the only we know really. 

[flowboy]

23 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

Here's a fun fact: your depression is not from what you did in the past, if you did all those things you wished you did, you'd be even more depressed then you are now. Your problem is you can't accept the way things are, no matter how they are. And you don't know how to forgive yourself and forget what you've done. When you learn that, you'll be a happy chappy, and all that shit in the past doesn't matter because its all beautiful no matter what happened.

Wow.???????

That is an awesome response, sir.

[dvdas]

The same here but for 4 years.. i also lost my humor, friends, even a good amount of my discipline. it was like an escape from real life for "a higher purpose". Building an ego around that is very easy thanks to Leo. 

what is happening here is indeed sad. Seeing Leo having such an impact on ones life is hard to see. in the end we cant do anything about it. everyone is responsible for his/her life. But i guess that's what happens when someone is trying to teach things that he doesn't own, and in such manipulative ways.. 

but anyway. i deeply feel your suffering because i felt the same. i will not try to be positive but know that many people will waste their whole life like this, so in a sense you are lucky to be out now. 

If you allow me to give you advice .Do not go back to conventional ways of living. unless you really want to. if there is one thing  this purgatory of actualized.org helped me realize was that is there is more than conventional living. and that i did on my own. But anyway. Do what you want to do and be whatever your life wants you to be, that's all. be engaged with life again and do anything your way. Toss this *ultimate path which sets you above everyone else* thing and pursue what feels true to you. 

i will also leave this place soon. i still log in case someone like you posts

i wish you a happy individuality and all the best man. stay strong

[ajasatya]

Sure, blaming others is the easiest way out. It's harder to consider the possibility that you've just failed yourself during all those years. In the end, it was you who decided to follow whatever you understood from what has been discussed here.

As opposed to your experience, mine was extremely empowering. Self-responsibility is a key bottom line here. It should be your Home.

And I am not defending Leo as I believe he's adult enough for that. I just can't overlook traits of Saviors-seekers. In fact, I despise any form of irresponsibility.

[Rilles]

12 minutes ago, dvdas said:

Toss this *ultimate path which sets you above everyone else* thing and pursue what feels true to you. 

Who said it was about being above everyone else? Youve seemed to have really misinterpreted these teachings... 

[Ya know]

It's an ego backlash. 

 

Is it really a problem? Aren't all problems imaginary? Did you truly have a terrible 6 years of your life? Or are you only a bit pissed off and thinking it's the end of the world ? I do the exact same thing - most human beings do, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

If you've been meditating consistently for 6 years I can guarantee your life is better. Sure there are low points, and with more awareness can come some resentment of others if you don't keep letting go of stupid thoughts like that. 

 

Remember the most basic personal development mantras - '' YOU ARE 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE''

Leo showed you the path, you decided to walk it. You can get off any time and enjoy life. There's a lot to do here.

 

As for losing humor and joy, I've done the exact same thing. Realize spirituality is meant to enhance your life. You aren't supposed to become the grim reaper, condemning humanities lack of consciousness and living in a gloomy world. The work liberates you from feeling compelled to live a certain way, to conform to society. You can choose to be detached. Doing what YOU want. 

 

To cure your depression - eat healthy for the next 2 days (focus on only two, it's achievable. Plan 6 meals, 3 per day)

Do 30 mins exercise per day

Drink a bunch of water - Go out in nature (if possible)

Continue your spiritual practices. Don't disregard them because of a foul mood.

Then chill out and make intuitive decisions about what will be the most appealing thing to do.

Talk to a friend as well. If your pissed off, be pissed off! Feel it fully and let go of it.

 

 

[Hello from Russia]

@Stretch Can you share what you were actually doing and what were your results?

How is the money situation, how is your life purpose, relationships, outer environment systems you put up for yourself? how is your health and body, how is your exercising regiment\results? What is your income compared to the average income of your country or society?

What was your progress in enlightenment? Did you achieve any steps from what Zen\Theravada traditions as stages of enlightenment? Do you believe in a separate self? 

Can you concentrate on subtle materia of reality and can you tell the difference between experiencing\achknowledging "subtle" reality and the "gross" physical one? Do you see the difference between the two or they are the same in your direct experience? 

Did you figure out the duality between meaning and meaninglessness?

Edited May 1, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[Leo Gura]

Firstly, it wasn't a waste of time. The lessons you learned will serve you for the rest of your life. It will keep paying dividends.

Secondly, it's important to do this work without making it a chore. It has to align with your passions. Don't do it if you aren't passionate about.

It sounds like this work is too advanced for you. You probably have lower stages of the Spiral to work on, which means Tier 1 teachings like basic self-help, biz, relationships, etc.

You won't be able to go for advanced spiritual work unless you take care of your more basic desires and burn through some karma.

The stuff I teach nowadays is extremely advanced and not suitable for many people who struggle with meeting basic needs.

Thirdly, there are much worse ways you could have used your time.

Fourthly, don't underestimate how much you grew in those 6 years. It's easy to forget how ignorant, selfish, and foolish you were back them. Growth happens and is then taken for granted.

Fifthly, you are allowed to have friends and relationships.

[Bazooka Jesus]

3 hours ago, Zanoni said:

I have been on this path for 7 years and it feels as if I wasted all my youth and opportunities to it, all for nothing.

Lol, I guess that's the one great advantage of pushing forty like yours truly. When you're starting out on this path at my age, you quite frankly have zero fucks left to give, hehe.

[Zanoni]

@Bazooka Jesus It is just a short feeling state i experienced few months ago, i just wrote it down to express sympathy and understanding for him, i have no regrets that i took on this path.

[Kingston]

@Stretch

It’s all part of the process.

The worst day can be your best day. You literally have to face your inner demons and fears at some point in order to grow . I’ve learned this in a hard way. And Yes, you might feel that your life would become much worse if you face your suffering and inner demon than when you tried to avoid in your past. However, this is the only real solution to go for. Life is Super counter-intuitive. I’ve also learned this in a hard way through tons of sufferings. 
If you don’t commit yourself to bite the bullet at some points in your life, you life would never be changed.

Fear and suffering are your greatest enemies and also your greatest loved ones.

Their loves are too much that you choose to run away from them.
 

[AlwaysBeNice]

Quote

You have to take a LOT on faith with this work. The guidance isn’t presented as a dogma so much as a ‘try it and see for yourself’ thing. How long an experiment is reasonable to run, however, before lack of willingness to accept ‘it isn’t working’ betrays treating the guidance as dogma nevertheless?

Not sure what you said, but this is why people and traditionally almost always, got a teacher, so they can check you the first moment you're making some error, and most importantly show proof and inspiration in flesh and blood and ultimately perhaps even the state directly, kind of important..

And yeah of course it's possible to do without, but I think it seems like most westerners have this weird 'I Should Do It On My Owwnnnn' attitude, like trying to do some university course via youtube, so safe on youtube, 'wisdom is everyywerrrr', no kidding, but it's not about nice sounding slogans, you could write a whole spiritual book basically without fault, and still be lacking the experience because you nested yourself in the your mind, in fact I am sure many people could these days, this really characterizes most western practitioners, they just gather some understanding and pretend to have gotten somewhere, it takes real courage to put your face into a masters sphere and really give that a shot, you certainly can't fool a real master, you are taught you probably end up in some cult, could happen, you can test the real one's, you probably meet a real friend instead.