Thoughts and Observations

[The observer]

Surprisingly, these latest 3 days of Ramadan has been the most difficult. It's probably due to the heat wave. But I also had my wisdom tooth removed yesterday and I feel ill. I feel extremely weak. I'm tired. And yet, I can't help but go out and walk for at least 2 hours every day.

Insight: Don't play God in front of a sufferer. You don't know what they're going through. Pain makes people vulnerable. You should understand and never forget that. It's easy for someone whose health is perfect to just recite wisdom, but your true strength gets revealed in your times of weakness. Respect where other people are at.

[The observer]

Why has God forsaken me?

It hasn't. God is not a state. Do away with this ignorance. Do away with this attachment.

[The observer]

Just watched some disturbing short videos. I don't feel good now. I thought back on my reply here:

And now I feel a bit relieved. Because even though extreme cruelty and pain exist, they're still quite rare. And even though it's hard to believe, but they are necessary. I don't know how or why. Or, maybe I know but I can't quite put it in words. But suffering is good. Life is good. There's nothing random about suffering. There is a divine plan at work, even though it doesn't seem like it. Something related to this Whatsapp story I've seen earlier yesterday:

Weird thought: If you stand in the street and stare into a wall and smile, people will think that you're crazy at first, but then if you keep staring, some of them will start opening up to you, and magically people will start interpreting the wall into all sorts of meaningful stuff. That's how all illusion is created!

[The observer]

Last night I had multiple nightmares related to the disturbing videos I watched before bed. They were kinda lucid and I was able to control them to a certain extent. I still identify as a person and I still have fears. Weird.

..

There used to be a time where I used to have clarity about everything. Not a single question without an answer. That was between November 2018 and July 2019, with a peak almost in the middle, i.e. during March and April. Right before that period, I was gradually growing into it. Right after the end, I grew gradually out of it. Nowadays, most of my life is more like confusion, with little windows of clarity here and there. My state of consciousness has changed drastically over the past two years. It went up and down. I've had insights both from above and below. A lot of them make moderate/little sense/relevance to me at the moment, even though I know they're true. Which makes me wonder. Isn't it hypocritical to talk about things that don't make sense to me? Also that makes me think that spirituality is probably not the best place for me anymore, which is what I realised a few weeks ago. Maybe I am overthinking. Maybe it's because I've become friends with the devil. However, there is one insight that remains absolutely true regardless of all states of consciousness; God is. It's true even when I am not conscious of it. This makes me think back and review the other realisations. Why don't they feel as solid as this one? Is it because they are relatively true depending on the circumstances they are downloaded in? Or is it because I haven't truly established myself in them? God is. There is no doubt about that. Both absolutely and relatively.

Nowadays, I struggle to find the words. I don't know how to finish my thoughts. Sometimes, I don't know how to initiate them. Something that was effortless a few months ago now seems like much trouble. There is so much confusion with very little clarity. What happened? What crippled me down? Maybe a lack of authenticity. Maybe a calling to change lanes. Maybe a calling for silence. I can't figure it out.

..

"I will wait.. Take a turn..

Sort it out.. And let it burn..

And empty out an empty drawer..

In my pockets, there's nothing more.."

Edited May 21, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

This is such a powerful video! I can't believe how accurately it describes me. Many of the things she said I've realised after my awakening last year, and been trying to implement and integrate them into my life. I know I still suck, but here is a good reminder that I could use more often. Downloaded the video for easy reach. And this Ananda is truly amazing!

Edited May 22, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

Self-love is good, but never really enough. Other-love is required too. I came up with an analogy, kinda was inspired to me by God while I was meditating. Think of yourself as a tree. You not only need to be receptive of the sunlight, that's self-love, of course you should not block it. STILL, you need the sunlight to be present in your life in the first place, that's other-love, and clearly you can't grow without the sunlight. Now, the sunlight sometimes can be tough, hot, and might burn certain parts of you. Try to be receptive of that, that'll grow you, and you will come out stronger. Some other times, it can be gentle, caring, and protecting. And it's easy to receive that, although not for everyone. And here where self-love is most crucial. Because when it's difficult, rarely anyone can be receptive to begin with, and even if they did, they would vary in degrees. So there's no blame here. But to throw away the love that comes to help you, that's like spitting in God's face. Although, in a sense, rejecting anything is like spitting in God's face, including rejecting the very act of spitting. Especially don't reject that. Maybe God loves your spit. As a matter of fact, of course it does, because it is you, silly.

..

Somehow, yesterday I got the feeling that someone has channeled something from a higher dimension down to me. I've realised many important things about my childhood. In return, I did some journaling/shadow work and was able to touch the child that's inside of me. I was able to relive certain parts of my past. I finally understood the reason for the break-up with my soul-mate. The picture was clear. The circle was complete. It was a wonderful experience overall. But most importantly, I've got a Turquoise level or higher insight into life and spirituality and how everything works in perfect sweet harmony. I realised that unconsciousness is not a bad thing, in a much deeper way than I ever did. It was perfectly clear, how everything lead me here, to the present moment. It was perfectly clear, why not being present in the now/unconsciousness is essential for growth. It has a purpose that only the blind/unconscious cannot see. I'm not sure if I can articulate it, and I won't even try. Just know and remember that no matter what happens, it's all good and part of the plan. There's nothing random at all. No matter how you feel, and no matter what happens. Even if you're going through hell. Know that it's necessary for burning the devils inside of you.

I know this moment won't last forever, and that I will likely fall from grace pretty soon, but I am grateful for it and I feel completely satisfied right now. Thank you.

Edited May 24, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

Ramadan is over now. It's been 5 days now, and I couldn't feel better. Stoics are wise people; Don't get used to live in comfort. That's hedonism, and it is a trap. Right now, I feel much better than I ever was before Ramadan started. This happens every year. Fasting grows me a lot. And now I'm doing it consciously, so it's even better. However, I've had some ego-backlash moments, more like a week in the middle of the month. I binged on playing a video game. Not video games, just one game: C&C : GENERALS : ZERO-HOUR. Here's a picture:

I'd never binged on video games like this time for about 15 years now. The most I used to play, if any, was 2-3 hours a day, and not everyday. This time, it was like 8-10 hours a day, for more than a week. My eyes even started hurting me lol. It was a nice experience though. Destroying all enemies from all sides. I played all the armies; USA, CHINA, AND GLA. Each army has 3 dialects?? (not sure if the word is correct), so I played all 9 sub-armies and defeated all other armies in Challenge mode on the Brutal difficulty. And my strategies have certainly developed over the years 

..

Two days ago, I was meditating on a hike, as usual. I saw a co-worker from my previous job. He said they're going to offer me my job back. I felt content, and nodded politely. Yesterday, they did offer me the job back, and I refused. It's not worth it. It's not good enough money for the time I'd put into it. The reason I left the job in the first place was because I wanted to focus more on college. A little money is not enough to tempt me. It's better than nothing, but I don't need it currently.

So anyway, supposedly, college is gonna re-start on Sunday 31/5. I'm excited to see how it's gonna take off. They're saying it's just 6 weeks and the number of hours will be much less than before. Next to that, I have language lessons. I forgot everything I've learned. Funny! Why am I even learning?

[The observer]

"I know the road is long.. We still hold on..

We carry on.. We still stay strong..

Today is long but tomorrow will come..

Hold on.. Hold on now, now.."

[The observer]

I'm getting strange vibes from the forum. It's like I should stop partaking. When I write a post, I often back off and remove it before I post it. It doesn't feel right to talk. Some things are better left unsaid.

[The observer]

God is.

The absolute truth.

It seems like this realization is the only one that is true. And it also seems that it has infinite depth. Every time I contemplate it, I find deeper layers of understanding. These deeper layers make the shallower ones pale in comparison. It's like I've never realized truth before. Weird God.

Love is relative. There's no doubt about that anymore. Leo's insight is complete BS. Psychedelics are not the way to go. They are of the forbidden tree.

[The observer]

@Keyhole

I'm sorry for tagging you here, but I can't reach you on the personal messenger. I know you're busy these days, but I wanted to ask you a question, since I know you're one of the few experts here on this topic. Feel free to ignore it.

Recently, I've been getting arousals from thinking about narcissistic women. Usually, I don't specifically find the narcissistic trait attractive for itself, but for its ramifications, like confidence, passion, energy, etc... I even dislike narcissistic men, regardless of how their narcissism manifests. Right now, it's like I subconsciously subscribe to the idea that a narcissistic woman is actually valuable simply by herself.

If you don't mind sharing; what are your thoughts on this? How does it all fit with me/my personality? Is this healthy or unhealthy? How should I act on this? Any other insights would also be much appreciated. Thank you.

[The observer]

6 hours ago, Keyhole said:

I don't ever want to be seen as an expert on anything, it's too much responsibility.

I can really only answer something well if I've been through it.

Lol sorry for that ???

I mean I know I'm stupid but not enough to take even your words for granted. No problem though. Somehow, and with your help, I've got the answer I needed. Or, at least, some clarity. I trust your wisdom. So, the damage is done hahaha.

Posting here, cuz, house rules ??

Edited June 3, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

 

[The observer]

People don't understand how powerful the illusion is. When there is suffering, good luck convincing yourself that it is love. People naively assume that if they're not suffering right now that suffering doesn't exist. But are they blind? Do they not go out and interact with others? They don't need to go too far, there's suffering everywhere. I guess that's what's most problematic about the internet, is that it distances you from the suffering of others and how real it is that you can arrogantly recite some silly spiritual lines to show others that you are special and knowledgeable. It's easiest to sit behind a screen in your comfortable armchair, plug 5-Meo, and philosophise about love when you don't actually have real challenges in your life. You say that God created this as a gift to you, you narcissist. Stop being a baby, and be a man. Go out and start interacting with others. Show us how loving you are. Prove your love. Put it to the test. Be true to your word. Everyone can talk, but not everyone can walk. Be God, as you say. You don't have to heal the sick, or give sight to the blind. But just put yourself out there, in a real human way, not the electronic imposter you are. Be like Jesus. Are you willing to give your life for humanity as you claim? Love is a huge word that you don't even deserve to utter. You don't know how sacred it is. How can you forgive them sinners when you are hiding? How can you love them when you live alone? You only love yourself. Narcissus. And to add more silliness on top of yours, you can't even put up with these imaginary humans that you interact with from distance. I can only imagine how poorly you would handle it in face to face. 

If you don't suffer right now, then be grateful. You're just lucky. Not everyone is lucky. You don't deserve to receive love because you're corrupt and not helping. But who am I to tell reality how it should be? I'm even more corrupt than you and most people, perhaps even the most corrupt and evil one. But there's always a higher wisdom behind all these seemingly stupid things. That's one of life's greatest lessons. You're just new to the field. You are a fish, lacking in experience. You believe in myths. Naive.

Overheat.

Edited June 4, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

Trust is an illusion. Yet, we enjoy it from time to time. But once broken, it's broken forever.

Now, I better understand the feminine perspective on trust. How can a woman ever love a man who she knows will let her down, and even worse, stab her in the back, instead of being the one to protect her?

Love dies when fear arises.

[The observer]

Love is not infinite, but you're infinitely corrupt, and you need infinite healing. You have a history of manipulation; the latter wasn't your first, and it won't be the last. I am not a fool. I have tangible proof of your manipulation this time. You thought you were clever but you talked too much, and it turned against you. You could have remained silent and avoided being exposed. Liar! The lie that you thought was okay, was not. You said something at first, and then said something different at last. Somehow, I succeeded in cornering you. You could never run away from truth. I have screenshots now too. Accusing me of gaslighting, yet being the one actually doing it. Devil! And you speak of infinite Love. Classic!

I've consciously forgiven you the first couple of times, it wasn't that serious, but enough is enough. You betrayed me time and time again. You disappointed me time and time again. Grow up.

Edited June 6, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

Most guys are creeps. Some of them have an anxious attachment style, some of them have a fearful attachment style, some of them have a disorganised attachment style, and some of them have some of each. We all have some of each in fractions, and very rarely you can find someone with little gaps in their security. I'm noticing this as I'm learning more. This is predominant throughout society. In college and everywhere. The last time I was attending the language lesson, I approached a girl lightly, made a couple of jokes and moved on. I wasn't interested in her to be honest. It wasn't even a challenge of putting myself out there in the field again. I was just being authentic. The truth is that I liked her girl friend. She was with her. I wanted to talk to her but she shied away and remained silent, it was like she was trying to hide. That turned me off. They were both walking down the corridor, and I heard them talking, so I interrupted with a friendly joke directed at the one I didn't like initially. I have a history of eye contact with the one I like. The other one I barely notice. The one I like started walking slower than her friend and me. Her friend started engaging with my conversation. She clearly has a good deal of self-esteem. I like that. I actually now am more attracted to her than her friend. Looks are deceiving. I don't like a slim tall girl. If tall, I like her fat. And if short, I like her curvy. The one I liked initially was short and curvy, actually a little close to fat, and she has a beautiful face and a good dressing taste. All that didn't matter after the approach. I was turned off. Afterwards, I walked out of the building, and I noticed the curvy girl stalking behind me. I only noticed that after I crossed the street. I looked back and I saw her. She immediately turned her face away. That turned me off even more. Noob. I really don't like her anymore. Personality is way, way more important to me than looks, but I would take the most I could have. The more the better. The problem here in my culture is that we can't have sex casually. Only after marriage. That explains why everyone acts weird. Everyone is horny and wants to have sex, but they can't. So, they unconsciously distort their sex desire into manipulation and silly ego games. I can see right through all that. It's ridiculous. It's like I'm God amongst humans. Can't blame them though. I was even worse and I had to work through it to get here. Religion also has a lot to do with this. Even if you're not serious about it, the predominant beliefs will affect you. Unless you're completely out of the effects of these silly things, you'll still be under the spell. You'll still be an ego that requires a certain process to hook. Silly. Being authentic is effortless and effective. It always works. I don't date girls who I know the relationship is doomed with from beginning. My basic standards must be met. If not, no second chances, no dating. I prefer being single and alone. I don't wanna waste my time.

So, until next time...

Edited June 6, 2020 by The observer