The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

@dorishall hi there.  I noticed that love and healing can be worsened if I try to make it that way because the fact that I am trying to make it that way is precisely the problem.  It leads to self manipulation from which I try to make myself heal and love.

[trenton]

November 16, 2020

I had a very busy day.

My counselor cancelled because of a mix up.  The new appointment is Thursday after work, but I should be on time.  I have my grandma the phone number to tell them about insurance.  I was not too bummed out because I had a lot to do anyway.

First, I loved the new episode of actualized.  I was just now thinking about going back to college, and I learned about new opportunities that I could be looking for.  I want to look into freelance writing.  I like writing, but one of my fears is that news anchors don't like truth, they like stories that make money.  I will still explore this, but I ultimately want to rise above being opinionated and biased.

I did a lot of journaling and contemplation instead of going to the woods to meditate.  It is getting cold, so I need to figure something out.  Charlie still has online classes and my family works at home.  I am starting to wear my face mask outside for warmth.  I might try the basement because the back yard might get too cold.

I questioned more of my problems with destructive psychology.  I addressed more of my fears concerning moral relativism and my neurotic relationship to truth.  If I let go of my strong desire for truth, I will stop pouring energy into maintaining perspectives in an effort to not be self deceived.  I found that my true motive is still fear of self deception which manipulates me into caring about truth in a neurotic way that becomes less effective and loving.  I am trying to conquer this fear of self deception but it is hard and twisted.  I found why trueness feels dirty to me in this case as it is not my true motive for maintaining a true perspective.

Finally, I started to discuss financial independence with my family.  I need to learn about taxes and spreadsheets.  I asked my grandma but I will talk to mom.  It looks like it I worked full time at Kroger, and made at least 2000$ a month, then I would have enough to theoretically move out and make ends meet.  I would have a little left over if I moved somewhere cheap.  I don't plan on getting cable tv or video games or anything.  I might get internet because of actualized.org.  I just feel like there are so many addictions on the internet that concern me.  My food will be healthy and expensive.  I may need to learn recipes for vegetable soup or something.

There are a lot of things that I don't feel passionate or excited about, but I see the necessity in understanding some basic survival techniques.  I will be getting this in order as I consider freelance writing and inside more destructive psychology.

You did well today.

[trenton]

November 17-18, 2020

I fell behind because I am so busy with work, my life purpose course, self reflection, and my psychologist to keep up with this.

Anyway my sleep started getting worse again.  I woke up at three and could not get back to sleep.  I think the life purpose course and deeper self reflection I have been doing is extremely helpful for changing my old habits and creating better ones.  I have more clarity with what I want out of life, but I can't tell you much about the course.  It is helping me to avoid a toxic life purpose and I am glad I chose to do the course thoroughly.

It is getting too cold for meditation in the woods, and trees are falling down, making the trail a mess.  My work is also noisy for meditation sometimes, but I usually do well.  My anxiety and lack of focus seem to correlate with sleeping problems.

It is just very complicated to explain everything that I wrote for my psychologist here again.  I also don't want to worsen my sleep for the sake of keeping up with this.

Sorry if I can't keep up, but I am still doing a good job.

[trenton]

November 19, 2020

I had a good day.

I worked 11-5, and did not make much progress on the course.  When I got back I talked to my psychologist he told me that I am over stressed about my thoughts.  I try to be accurate and give detailed information which is helpful in some cases, but I worry too much about having accurate thoughts.  This includes my memories.  He mentioned that if I don't socialize then I have all sorts of inner conflicts that are not really problems.  I turn accuracy into stress in my effort not to be self deceived.

I spent more time with my family, and I told them my lies and contributed to drama.  I told them that I hide in away from people and don't talk to them because I don't want to be influenced by my immature culture.  I was still immature because I am not denying the fact that I am not above these people.  I hated myself a lot as I isolated myself since I was a kid.  I am trying not to identify with my lies, perspective, worldview, or anything else.  I am afraid of believing my lies.

What I thought was good was harmful because trying to be as accurate as possible and a perfectionist makes me at war with myself.

In any case this was interesting.

[trenton]

November 20, 2020

I had a lot of depression and suicidal thoughts through the day.  I noted it In the weekly report.

I am becoming more open to the possibility that many of the problems I have are all in my head.  I keep looking for causes of depression, but I never find one.  I usually avoid socializing, but it is making a drastic difference in how I think.  The less I socialize, the more my mind creates drama that never gets resolved.

I apologize if this journal is getting dark.  I am doing my best, but I feel like I'm going to another world.

[trenton]

November 21-23

Wow I did not know I fell this far behind.

My hours were stacked for Thanksgiving week.  I am working full time and I need to get in bed soon.  It is hard to explain what is happening to me, but I will try.  I am letting go of reasons to hate myself as they are meant to motivate me, but they don't deliver.  It just leads to suicidal thoughts and my mind is very peaceful when I am no longer run by the same thinking patterns that cause headaches.

I am confused about what I want with life because I wanted inner peace.  I am becoming more peaceful, but I am not sure what to want next.  So many things burn me a little when I consider other options.  Maybe I should address them so I don't keep getting threatened.  It includes financial independence.  I don't want to be lazy and hurt myself.  I don't want to hurt myself by judging myself too much.  I feel confused and torn.  I am crying a little.

Your mission is to clarify your purpose.  If I remind myself every night, it can filter into the next day.  I see patterns in how my thinking depends on the previous day.

I don't know how to love you more than I already do.

[trenton]

November 24-27

I fell far behind.

First I was working full time this week, so I was pretty busy.  I don't think I will remember everything that happened over the past few days, but thanksgiving made it very crowded at kroger.  I was tired at the end of it all.

I went over to Nanny's house yesterday and spent time with her.  We did more research on kamala Harris.  She cussed about her a lot, so I read in detail about her.  It mentioned one of trump's false accusations, but she doubted the validity of the source when it said that.  Her bias is obvious to me, but I am still biased toward liberal media.  I did not try to convince her she was wrong.  Instead I listened carefully to her worldview out of curiosity.  I do this with a lot of people and I find it very interesting. 

We presented some interesting arguments about guns.  I learned about this issue in criminal justice after a nearby shooting.  I argued that some weapons were more powerful than necessary for self defense.  For example, you only need a revolver to shoot an attacker in the heart once.  If we did not have access to more powerful weapons, then fewer people would be killed in shootings.  Las Vegas is one example of an overpowered weapon.  She argued that many criminals would simply get illegal weapons.  I remembered this argument and I told her that American politics places a lot of emphasis on the NRA, and does not appear to have a clear plan for illegal weapons.  Her mindset is "it is better to have a gun and not need one then it is to need a gun and not have one."

I tried to see what issues she was most concerned about.  She doesn't want the taxes to be raised for the environment and other reforms.  She does not trust the government because she thinks they lie all the time.  I remember trump ran on anti corruption.  She argued that politicians should not be making claims about COVID and they should just relay what the doctors told them.  I found this perplexing because trump made many false claims about COVID, but she likes him still.  She mentioned that she trusted trump more because he is not a politician and he does not sugar coat anything.  The counter argument is that she is underestimating the importance of experience.  At least anti corruption is a bipartisan issue and it may serve as a bridge in American politics.

 when my sister visited she did not agree with getting Nanny fired up.  At least she wasn't as fired up as usual when the others got here after our discussion.  I did not argue with my sister because I silently observed my mind cherry picking interpretations in order to make me look good.  The truest one is that I was curious and I wasn't thinking about getting her mad at all.

I played videogames with Charlie.  We had a lot of fun playing star wars galactic conquest on hard.  We had many narrow victories and amazing stunts that we both pulled off to just barely win.  We got stuck on battles like tatooine because the rebel command posts are in a strategically terrible position.  I can easily be overrun by tusken raiders and the empire on either flank.  The empire had Darth Vader helping them, and even if I destroyed their walkers, the raiders still took over my command posts.  This was ridiculous.  We were stuck until I devised a strategy to attack bespin.  We used the consecutive victory bonus to overthrow tatooine without fighting.  No more Darth vader.  Then I used the planetary bonus from bespin to sabotage the empire's vehicles on ren var.  It became a massacre.  I was up by 80 men and I crushed them with my own tanks.  They were defenseless now.  

My hours should lighten up until Christmas.  Hopefully I can stay in track until then.

[trenton]

November 28-29

I missed one day again.  I did not do much yesterday because I fell back into my old internet habits.  I sense a negative motivation attempting to push me away from this.  I am on some level guilting myself into doing something good, but this is not real goodness.  I can focus on this inner work and create a better psychological approach than guilting for better results because guilt is not good enough for me.  It only works in the short term until the consequences catch up to me with all of my drama.  Guilt may be what causes me to overstrain myself and backslide more frequently.

I feel like it is a bit annoying that I am typing what my day was like twice.  I will just copy and paste what I wrote for my psychologist.  There is no sense in doing this all over again.

No suicidal thoughts.  I slept better, but I woke up early and stayed in a daze for a while before sleeping a little more.  I had a short workday before meditating.  While meditating I noticed my consciousness changing and becoming more peaceful than it previously was.  My racing thoughts are not keeping me up at night and my sleep is usually better.  I am getting tired around 9 o’clock normally.  I spent a lot of time playing that awesome video game.  I plan to continue reading my book so I can get another book on Christmas.  This gives me a priority.  During my socializing with my family it came up that I am interested in neuroscience.  I am more interested in this than business, but I thought it would be financially responsible to major in business.  I explained a lot of the things I studied to Granny, but she did not understand the overlap I was making between philosophy, religion, psychology, politics, and neuroscience.  I find this work and research fascinating.  I plan to share a lot of the research with my family very soon.

Good job.  You are coming together with your psychology and becoming more peaceful.  It is a lot, but it can be done.  

[trenton]

November 30, 2020

I wanted to tell you that this journal is starting to turn into more of a chore than a joy.  It is hard to keep up with it because of everything else I am busy with.  It is taking time away from meditation and interfering with my sleep when I attempt to keep up with this.  I am starting to feel like this journal is another Chessable.  I need to lighten the load of how much work needs to be done.

I am still seeing a counselor and I have made good progress.  My sleep is improving, my social skills are improving, my destructive thinking is going away, my family can see that I am becoming more mature, I may go to college for neuroscience, this will help me get a better job than Kroger, my consciousness is changing during meditation, my mind is more peaceful, I am less worried about my thoughts, I have clarified some of the life purpose course, I am becoming more open and honest with other people, and more.  I have made some decent progress on self-actualization while writing this journal, but the journal is no longer helpful to me because I find writing in a notebook more helpful.  This way I am only making a daily report.

I still occasionally engage in less productive habits like YouTube and video games.  I have been pursuing personal development in a neurotic way and it causes more backslides.  I am trying to push and guilt myself less so I can naturally move into more educational material.  YouTube is getting increasingly boring, but video games are awesome, especially Pokémon Rocket Edition.

One last note I will make is that an atheist tried to make a response video to my comment.  I find it cool that my worldview may have been useful for another person.  The video was too long, so she will have to try again later.  I don't plan on concerning myself too much with influencing other people because there is no rule that I need well thought out positions and it takes a lot of energy to maintain different perspectives even if they are helpful to others.  I care about other people because it helps me to grow myself through encouraging self-reflection and overcoming my own corruption.  I don't really care about being altruistic and it becomes a mask.  I don't need to stress myself about being significant.  I want to grow myself.

I am glad you made decent progress, but this journal is getting to be an additional source of stress.  I hope the followers of this journal found something useful because I may delete this or stop posting.

"I love you all" came up when I was thinking about all of humanity.  I can apply to you guys regardless of your agenda.

[trenton]

December 4, 2020

I have an idea for changing how I do these posts.  Instead of making a daily report, I can use this as a place for writing out my thoughts concerning my life purpose and motivation.  This might be more productive.

Topic: why should I play chess?

My passion for chess was lost overtime because I was pulled by money, college, and getting away from my family.  I still don't have enough of those things and I am less happy because I lost interest in this hobby.

Some toxic motives included not being a waste of potential or talent and not knowing what to do with my life.  I enjoyed going to chess clubs to reach people and offer as much as possible.  I no longer have a clear goal without a community and it seems useless.  I could become a grandmaster, but it puts a lot of stress on me, I get stuck in chess improvement, I don't make enough money, and other problems.  I feel like my life is being run in a direction I don't want.

Higher values for playing chess.

It is a strong source of energy for me and it creates a state of flow.  I love the beauty of logic and understanding both sides of the game.  I love to enhance my mind and logical abilities.  Chess is a form of meditation.  I am not sure what else.

I will keep working on the life purpose course.

[trenton]

I know I skipped many days by this point.  It is still bothering me that I am not doing something on this blog similar to chessable.  I could come back to this after I am done with my psychologist to see the difference.  I also find it annoying to type everything twice since I am doing it for the psychologist already.

I want to resolve any anxiety I have that comes up in relation to this blog.  I am not sure what else can be done yet.