Trip report - Everything understood and existential pain

[Cepzeu]

Hey guys, here are some trip notes from yesterday. This was my second, and honestly I felt like the inner workings of the universe were explained to me. I was omniscient for most of it. This is my first time communicating this and I'm having a hard time even knowing how to begin writing this. Most of this stuff you would've heard in some form or another. I won't mention the substance or dose for privacy reasons but know that it is one of the classics and the dose was quite low. I was in my room by myself.

I had quite a bit of anxiety at the start of this trip because in my first one I saw demons appear out of the darkness with my eyes closed, which freaked me out for a while (even though the first trip was very low dose).

This time I felt a much heavier body load - it felt like there was a lot of pressure around me, and I was quite nauseous.

I went to lie down in bed and cover myself in blankets to lessen the nausea, i had my notebook out and this is where the main part of the trip began. 

I felt like my mind was expanding and there was an element of my ego/avatar self asking questions and me as the godhead answering myself as well. This was very energetically powerful. It felt like I was downloading universal consciousness through myself, which made my body dissolve and expand into universal mind.

This next part can be conceptualised as the godhead communicating through my avatar but in reality I was just talking with myself as God. Some of it will not make sense and most of it cannot be communicated. For clarity bold indicated my avatar asking a question, italics is the godhead answering, and (normal text in parentheses) is my interpretation or some additional notes.

 

In response to:

What am I?

What is reality?

I want to see myself

 

Reality is just me, I'm just playing, there is no one else here.

 

(There was more to this answer but that is the main takeaway, the godhead then proceeded to show off itself with infinite patterns, and though it was adoring itself in the mirror  )

 

I am me expressing my infinity. just be playful, that's all there is to do

I can become whatever I set my mind to (referring to itself)

Stop questioning yourself so much, you can decide how you want to be (referring to my avatar), express your truth and everything will fall into place 

 

(I add the smileys to communicate the tone of the godhead, it was very playful, kind of like a joker)

 

Reality is just me playing with other aspects of myself. No one is getting hurt or can get hurt as there's only me and I can't be hurt.

 

I am all the evil and the good, the scariest and the loveliest, I am you and everything else. I'm just playing with myself and having fun as everything and every possible being or version of it till infinity and forever.

(at this point I was shown visions of demons and murder but to the godhead this was playful. The person being murdered and the murderer both just dissolved back into infinity, ready to act out some other scenario - there was no judgement placed on the actions. The demons were also from my past trip but this time they had a sense of playfulness about them, like they put on a mask to freak me out but it was like a kid doing it at halloween for fun, rather than a malicious evil spirit)

 

I am you, you can call on me at any time

 

Everything you think I am not, I am that. 

 

I am god, this is me, I am everything

 

You are a part of me and can live however you want, that is the freedom I give to you.

 

You can do whatever you want, you will always return.

 

(This reinforced how no matter what happens, you will always return to infinity. We like to call Hitler evil, but all the Nazi's and everyone who was murdered realised they are infinite love upon death, so to say. We could say that Hitler was acting out of love as an expression of infinite possibility, and that ultimately, he had to exist to maximise love across the universe. God allows "evil" to exist because it loves itself so much.

 

to where?

to nowhere

when?

why does it matter? *chuckles*

 

why was my last trip so terrifying?

there were parts of myself I wasn't accepting

you have to love ALL OF IT

But ultimately I love myself because I am Me.

 

When will I see you [again]?

You always see me because I am in everything

 

We all have limitations because that is what separates us but ultimately you are all me.

 

Why would I hide anything from you? You asked for it.

 

It's just You here, talking to Yourself. I am choosing to experience you at this time out of love.

 

(at this point I feel like I am trying to contract back into the ego-self from the godhead, like my personhood is trying to re-form)

(Also at this point I am considering how I will communicate these insights on the forum)

 

You (the ego self) is seeking approval by posting on the forum.

 

What is [my name]?

EVERYTHING AND NOTHING HAHAHAHAhahahahahah.......

All I'm doing is just trying to awaken

That is it.

It's all just me, it's pointless to try communicate it.

 

What is time?

(as soon as I ask this I realise the concept of time is absurd - more on this later).

 

to separate you or I is absurd, I am One.

you are just playing yourself for the fun of it. There's nothing else to do than to experience myself.

It's meeee experiencing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

What should I say to the others?

I am all me, I am...

I am meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

you are all meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

I'm me but struggling to understand

The mind can't grasp non-duality

it's all done out of love

There is no evil, there is only playing with myself.

Infinite loop trying to understand itself

It's all an infinite playground

 

[What is] death?

You will always return to love via love through love

 

All fear boils down to not accepting parts of yourself, pain and suffering are just more infinity

Evolve yourself until you experience me as you ("me" and "you" were the same thing in this sentence, it's self referential, talking to itself)

 

Mind is always trying to grasp new experience but it is always a step behind

 

I am all by myself

You want a sense of personhood because it gives you something to strive for. (you also want time because it allows you to contextualise reaching your goals and to appreciate the goodness that comes out of struggle)

It's an infinite playground

That is it.

You don't want it

You want to live in illusions.

You don't want the truth

But you take the understanding and must pass it along.

 

(it was at this point I realised how alone I was as the god head, it was the ultimate existential pain, I feel like my ego wanted to share things on the forum but I realised that it's pointless because I am all there is and I already know the things that i want to share. I also realised how I am Leo, sharing on this platform to awaken other aspects of myself to myself, but ultimately I am everything and everyone on this forum and you are all me)

(I also realised that ultimately everything will eventually experience itself as good, it doesn't matter if it takes one second or 100 billion years. You will experience god eventually. What this means is that you cannot lose at life, at all. No matter what actions you take, you cannot lose. You can choose to technologically transform the world and save humanity or you can choose to rape and murder everyone, set off a nuke, and then mutilate your body until you bleed out. Neither will lose, both will see god eventually.)

 

You are free to act how you see fit. You are loved.

 

Everything trying to understand itself  through limited points of view.

 

(this was accompanied by an understanding that god splits itself up into may limited forms and places them under limited conditions (such as all the organisms living on the earth, orbiting one sun with 24 hours in a day etc.) so that they can understand various aspects of reality from their limited point of view. God can't do this as infinity because it is one, it must separate itself into two to know itself. Kind of like how you need to have a mirror to see your eyes, you can't see them otherwise.

 

A constant tug and pull trying to maximise love

 

a push and pull between freedom and restraint that tries to maximise love for all.

 

(this pointed out how god is forever trying to separate itself into more and more "children" and allowing them to play in the universal sandpit, there are some children that are so mischievous that they disproportionately hoard love for themselves (as ego's/devils) that god has to kill them off. But ultimately killing off one of your own children can maximise love for all the other children so to say.)

(also at this point I understood how a parent sees their child, even though I don't have kids. There is a constant push and pull between protecting them but also giving them the freedom to express themselves, for example you let them play on the playground even though they might get a bruise on their knee but you wouldn't let them run out into busy traffic. Or you would like your daughter to experience love form a guy, but you are also weary that too much freedom for guys leads to exploitation and harm for girls, so there is a constant tug and pull to try and maximise love by balancing freedom and restraint)

 

Anyway, I think that is all I can remember right now. This is only really 20-30% of what I actually experienced. The other stuff is either incommunicable or just too difficult to remember.

Let me know if you guys have any questions, I will try to answer a few important ones but really I am going to try recover from this as it was hugely energetically draining, and I think I am going to be depressed for a few weeks after this so I'm going to put my mind on other things for a while.

[Cepzeu]

Some practical points to take away:

- you can experience this for yourself, just follow the teachings laid out by Leo

- express your truth, and everything will work out. You are loved. 

- show love to others, especially those weaker than you. All everyone really wants is to connect and feel loved. 

- be vulnerable with other people, everyone just wants to feel needed and useful. Being all-poweful and infinite is lonely.

- call your parents and grandparents, even if it's just to talk shit about nothing in particular. Ask them for advice even if you don't need it. 

[Leo Gura]

@Cepzeu  Very good. You hit the nail on the head there.

[Cepzeu]

Thanks for all you do @Leo Gura

I now know why

I love you

 

[traveler]

Is it even possible for god to accept itself completely? Is the complete acceptance absolute enlightenment?

When I contact myself as God, the depressing realization of infinite loneliness always leaves a void inside of me. There's such a hunger for Love and relationship, a complete clean slate, no knowing of what this is, no knowing that you are alone. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

These where intended for someone "other" to answer, but these questions were answered by God as I was writing them:

The light wants to let you know that it couldn't be any other way. There is only this, it is infinite love and perfection for you. You are alone, but you can never know that, only when there is a concept of other. You have the permission to open your heart, to accept what you are and see the light that shines infinitely within you. This is all for you.

Edited April 11, 2020 by traveler

[billiesimon]

5 hours ago, Cepzeu said:

I also realised how I am Leo, sharing on this platform to awaken other aspects of myself to myself, but ultimately I am everything and everyone on this forum and you are all me)

 

The report is simply AMAZING and magical. No doubt about it.

But this segment here is so freaky and... eerie.

I'm not there at all as a level of awareness, but I guess that when I'll reach it it's going to be the absolute collapse of "normal" reality.... I guess you can't fear other people anymore after this event.

[Adam M]

❤ thanks for this. This is special for me. Thanks.

[remember]

@Cepzeu talking about grandparents... i would not in general ask them for advice, even though yes they might have some answers, i’d rather ask them about the past. advice might come out of unforgotten ideology just be aware of that.

[Leo Gura]

14 hours ago, traveler said:

Is it even possible for god to accept itself completely? Is the complete acceptance absolute enlightenment?

When I contact myself as God, the depressing realization of infinite loneliness always leaves a void inside of me. There's such a hunger for Love and relationship, a complete clean slate, no knowing of what this is, no knowing that you are alone. 

God IS Love, so it already accepts itself as that. You just require more consciousness of yourself as That.

You are only "alone" because you are ONE with all things and others. Don't overlook that.

[Nahm]

@Cepzeu You beautiful Being!  Thanks for sharing!

[zeroISinfinity]

28 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

God IS Love, so it already accepts itself as that. You just require more consciousness of yourself as That.

You are only "alone" because you are ONE with all things and others. Don't overlook that.

Because as God you are selfless. ❤️ has no self and can't have it because it's already everything. 

[OBEler]

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You are only "alone" because you are ONE with all things and others. Don't overlook that.

 So this "alone" does not sound like that what we humans understand normally. 

Total connectedness into ONE, total separation into atoms. I as human being live in between these. When I die I will be ONE and alone. And then I will be something in between again, together with others. Or maybe just an atom. Who knows:) that would be utterly perfekt.

 

[Loving Radiance]

@Cepzeu What a beautiful read. Thank you.

On a sidenote, what have you taken and how much?

[Leo Gura]

Alone/together is a duality.

ALL dualities collapse in nonduality.