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Crafting the dream

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It's funny how my level of well-being can oscillate frequently.  Now, I feel far more content and fulfilled than two days ago.  I feel more free, more like I'm moving in the right direction, and making progress. 

My relationship is at what I could describe as an all-time high.  Having a brutally honest conversation together helped things a lot.  We talked for three hours on the phone, about our perceived problems, my sexual energy dysfunction, what was bothering us about the relationship, what the other person does that gets under our skin, what each of our career plans are, the vision for our future together, our communication issues.  It was a remarkably true conversation.  It felt like mdma without the mdma.  Hearts were open!

My reading is going great.  "Materialism is Baloney" is a fascinating book.  "The Religion of Tomorrow" is at times a slog, but not as bad as I've heard some describe.

Synchronicities have increased quite substantially.  I was close to engaging with my same-old devilry last night, to which I chose to make a symbolic sacrifice (demonstration of intent against it).  This was a pivotal moment, in terms of me disengaging with my devilish ways.  Hence, it was a psychically powerful moment.  "Out of chance" certain things were occurring, with a certain book, a certain door, a certain iPad.

Concentration practice is going very well.  Nearly felt myself slip into samadhi the other day.  Before, I got excited and slipped out of it as a result, of course.

THOUGH, Kriya Yoga Pranayama is going quite shitty the past two days.  I seem to have lost the ability to do the "shee" sound on the inhalation.  I'm not sure if it's that my throat is dry, or something.

So, I'm gonna keep my head down.  Keep working away.

Over n' out.

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I've attended three psychotherapy sessions now.  We're working on improving the "emotional deprivation" schema that I seem to possess.  I found a YouTube video, which had the advise of the following for emotional deprivation schema.

  • Track your feelings
  • Describe your feelings
  • Notice your needs
  • Practice self-care
  • List what makes you nurtured
  • Accept help and support
  • Set healthy boundaries

So, that's what I'm set to do, beginning here today.

I'm feeling angry and frustrated at my mother for unreasonably attempting to restrict my freedom.  This feels like I'm hemmed in, too old to be living at home anymore, and in a sense deprived socially.  I'm angry at my dad, and realising I have been for a while, at the fact that he wasn't more of a stronger figure for me to aspire to.  It seems I've inherited some people pleasing traits from him.  Why didn't he give me the space and love to become emotionally vulnerable and open up about my feelings, as a child?  I'm sick of living in this god-damn house, and even this god-damn country.  I'm sick of not having friends here who are not brainwashed by the local bullshit culture.  This anger and frustration feels like a lashing out due to prolonged lack.  

I'm sick of not making good money.  I'm sick of not being able to pursue my LP just yet.  I'm sick of repressing my own needs.  I'm sick of not expressing myself.  I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong.  I'm annoyed that there is even all this distraction, not allowing me to do serious spiritual work.  I'm sick of holding myself back.  I'm sick of being a prisoner to my own god-damned mind, full of shitty negative thoughts and shit patterns.  I'm sick of feeling this deep emptiness inside.


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