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Crafting the dream

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Welcome!  In the same vein with other journals, this is to be a documented record of my life.  As I know it, and as I come to know it.  In effect, recording my self-actualization.  I am sure to covers topics of consciousness, spirituality, life purpose, my intimate relationship, emotional healing, cognitive development etc.  Though I wish to illustrate learning and developments, I also want to keep it authentic, personal and vulnerable.  So, I want to share my life and development with you!  Join in and comment as you see fit.

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Looking for positives in the Covid-19 lockdown, I am using this time to contemplate priorities and the trajectory of my own life, address inner emotional dysfunction, and strategise in taking action where I see fit.  The results of this have been humbling, but refreshing.

For the past several months I have pursued consciousness work and awakening as the highest priority in my spare time.  This has mostly consisted of a daily Kriya yoga practice, meditation, reading relevant books, watching related videos, and psychedelics, when possible.  In the midst of severe ego backlash after having an amazing Ayahausca-assisted awakening, I proceeded to have the most nightmarish trip of my life on 5-MEO-DMT.  This experience gave me advanced insight into my, then current, karmic status resulting from my actions and then depths of my own devilry and ignorance.  My issue here was, and still is, porn addiction.  Since then, the further reaches of my soul have felt to be corrupted, the feeling being that I indebted myself with bad karma and poisoned my mind.  Three months have passed since this painful realization, and I have finally sought help to combat this addiction.  A psychotherapist directed me to a support group who deal with this issue.  After becoming part of this support group, I informed my girlfriend of this.  The result was, I had to face the issue of which I have been lying to her about since the very start of our relationship.  Though, I had been lying to myself long before.  Now, the future of our relationship is uncertain, due to my years of continual defacing of our shared integrity.  The curious result of this coming clean was experiencing a wave of singeing truth come over me.  In my mind, I let go of so much burden built up from my corruption.  It feels as if I have been released from a pain body of the mind due to my surrender to Truth.  The Truth burns.

Furthermore, I suspect I have been utilising this addiction to medicate myself from my emotions since my early teens.  In addition, I recently found out I fit several criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD).  Hence, let's go back to basics and not get ahead of ourselves!  Rather than focusing so much on advanced enlightenment work, I have a good deal of standard personal development to address beforehand.  A tentative plan is that I will be devoting highest priority to the continued abstinence from my addiction, acquiring skills and experience to improve my APD, and full steam ahead on creating my Life Purpose.

Soon, I will complete the Life Purpose course and really get things going.  I feel like a supercharged battery with all this sexual energy not being wasted.  I'll be sure to use the magic of @Nahm's dreamboard in my pursuit.

It some respects it feels like a regression, but I am utterly grateful to the Universe for allowing me the chance to re-align myself with my true Self.  

My message to all folks: You cannot procede without a firm hold on the basics. That likely means life purpose, emotional health, social skills, having your finances in order, relationships, family etc.

@Emerald Thank you for your Tarot reading yesterday.  I'm sure it's obvious how it fits in with my newfound direction.

Thanks to all readers.


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Today, during meditation, I received an outpouring from my subconscious mind.  The notes I transcribed are as follows:

"Tell (my girlfriend) everything.  I am a new man.  I want to face the entire consequences of everything I've done.  I am cleansing myself out.  I'm not looking over my shoulder ever again.  I'm not lying and never lying to you again.  I now know better how to deal with my feelings and process emotions.  I am living and being Truth now.  I am thankful to rid myself of rottenness.  I feel cleansed and baptised by light.  I listen to the feelings of my soul, not the thoughts of my mind.  I know what my path is.  I am going to carve it out and not going to let others, fear or doubt stop me.

In regards to finding a Life Purpose that allows me the flow, and to give the value, I want, becoming a psychedelic-assisted psychotherapist, fits nicely.  Specialising in the transformative effect of cosmic wonder.  I'll also make explanatory videos and post them on my website, illustrating others how I do the work I do with others, and concepts of healing I utilise."

The above first paragraph is in reference to my current situation.  Sure, I have confessed to my girlfriend I have been addicted to porn for our entire relationship, and that I lied to her about this the entire time.  The fate of our relationship currently hangs in the balance, and will be decided based on whether or not she seems it fit that I be given a second chance.  Like I said before, this is an uncertain situation, but the authenticity of it nourishes my soul.  However, when I search my soul deeper, I realise there is a further lie that I've not confessed to.  My higher self urges me, despite it being difficult, persevere.  Confess to this further lie and your conscience will be clean.  There will be nothing left to conceal.  My further lie being, that, due to my porn addiction I developed porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  Putting a plaster on the issue without fixing anything, I proceeded to obtain a prescription for viagra and use this for around 80% of sex we had for the last three years.  This was all behind her back.  I rationalised and rationalised about it's continuation to avoid facing the fear and lies I had created.  Now, I am paying for all these lies.  I feel nervous and apprehensive in mustering the courage to confess this further lie to my girlfriend.  I know it will be akin to bludgeoning open any stitches she may have sewed in her healing from my original lie, and making the wound gape further open.  It's tough to go through with something when you know it'll hurt someone you love so dearly.  Worse, when you are the cause of their hurt.  In the end, to be the person I want to be, this is something I must do.  The above transmission from my subconscious is the person I will be if I can live up to the truth of this.

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Checking in again.  I'm really starting to enjoy this journaling.  This journal is to be my holy ground, where I contact my soul.  The writing process feels therapeutic.  Already, the writing process feels therapeutic, and has assisted me in connecting to my feelings and in grounding myself in my plans.  Maybe I'll spice it up with colours/fonts or images and videos in the future.  I'll be covering three main topics today.  


I, thank God, mustered up the courage to tell my girlfriend the remaining lie that was festering.  Honouring my feelings was difficult.  Though, I am anew.  Going forward I am to drastically improve my connectivity to, and the honouring of, my feelings.  This current perspective makes it seem I've been an emotional absentee my entire life.

The fantastic news is that my girlfriend is willing to give our relationship a second chance.  I was, and still am, overwhelmed with a certain emotion.  It feels like a mix of relief and appreciation.   I wish I could accurately qualify this specific emotion.  Meaning I would love to be able to finely discriminate my emotions and to be aware which of them I am feeling.  Clearly assuming there are more finely described emotions beyond the regular twenty or so, rage, grief, relief, sadness, anger etc.  I am sure there are.  This is something I'll look into to develop my emotional intelligence.  Anyway, enough on that.  I am thrilled to still be in a relationship with her.  Though we have had our issues before the emergence of my lie, I know that with work, in five years for example, after having overcome our personal shadows more and gained some emotional and communication skills, this relationship will be utterly fantastic.  This is because of its incredible depth, which is already present.  As an aside, I do observe significant anxiety, depression, and shadow in her, which I have tried to assist her with, with some, but little, improvement.  This is something to explore in future also.  She is open-minded but quite terrified at the prospects of facing her shadow in a psychedelic trip.  Again, enough on that.  She is a woman who lives to pure principles, something I really find inspiring and Divine.  She was ready to end our relationship as I had clearly broken the agreed trust.  It was her observation of sincere regret and acknowledgement of wrongdoing on my part from me, that I made her give me another chance.  Thank you for this Universe.  Thank you dearly.  Who knows, if I had have not honoured my higher self yesterday by going through with telling her the extent of my lies, I may not have been in this fortunate position.  Of course, I am referring to the alchemical reality creation mechanism.  Thought into matter.  This is something I'd certainly like to grasp deeper.  I'll read Jung's alchemical works et al when the time is right.  Back to the relationship, we are going to spend some time apart before we get back together properly.  It'll do us some good to introspect properly and have some time alone.  We will enter a new phase in our relationship following that.


I am about a fifth of the way into the life purpose course right now.  It's really awe-inspiring.  Witnessing the power of Leo's vision is breathtaking.  Him combing through all these concepts himself, and coming to explicate them in his own material, is beyond helpful.  I don't think I ever would have sought out, and found, all the sources he did.  I await to see what's on the other end, when I finish the course.  For now, I'm going to just keep dreaming.  More on my current idea for Life Purpose in the next post.



Time for more practical matters.  I wish to lay out plans for myself over the next while.

Over the next six weeks: Likely that I'll be in quarantine for that duration.  My current responsibilities consist of doing 12 hours of online training work to continue in obtaining my part-time job as a carer.  Also, to study career material for upcoming internships.  For this there are two sections.  The first being 6 hours of work.  The second being about 30 hours of work.  I really had better get working on these to ensure I complete them.  However, I do have a lot of free time right now.  I could benefit from some structure and earning some extra money during this period.  I will look to my local supermarket tomorrow to try and obtain some part-time work during this crisis.  Other activties I wish to stay engaged with over this next period are, most of all, to complete and put significant work into my life purpose.  Let's aim for the 100 mins of content per day.  Meditation/Kriya yoga daily.  House chores.  Exercising - weight lifting and jogging.  Reading.  To stay consistent with this journal.  

As a method of improving my APD symptoms, I am being observant of any thoughts which rationalise avoiding social interaction for whatever reason.  Abstinence from my addiction is getting easier.  

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It's feeling slightly restless here with the disrupted routine.  I have officially set Life Purpose as my number one goal (ahead of spirituality now) for the next 5 years.  I have only somewhat of an idea for LP but am still about 3/10 of the way through the course.  

Plans for next 3 years (roughly, may change as I complete LP course):

  • 2020 - 2021: finish my degree, obtain work in this field to earn money while I wait for the next academic year.  Working in this field will be quite the drag, now that I am certain it is not my absolute passion.  I'll be devoting my spare time to working on finding my LP and spirituality and PD.  Goals here: earn money, build LP skills.  LP skills so far include: computer / video-editing skills, marketing skills, business skills, speaking skills.  PD aspects I'll be working on: emotional processing, my relationship, social skills.  I'll need to purchase a better laptop.
  • 2021 - 2022: commence Psychology degree (that is unless I've made significant progress with LP and am going to pursue it fulltime).

Things I want to spend time doing during this quarantine:

  • Doing obligatory work
  • Finish LP course
  • Add LP desires to DreamBoard
  • Kriya yoga daily
  • Meditation / self-inquiry daily
  • Reading: The book of not knowing and others from list
  • Get back to learning Dutch
  • Learn how to source 5MEO
  • Explication of beliefs as far as I can take it

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Greetings Folks,

I'm going to quickly rant on my current ideas for LP.

My deepest passion is a feeling.  A feeling of awe and cosmic wonder at observing infinite creativity, God.  Indescribable freedom comes with the experience of God's infinite creativity.  This is ever-expanding dimensions.  It's the biggest mindfuck you could ever receive.  Once it amazes you by showing you it isn't what you thought, it goes another level deeper.  And this never ends.  This is my deepest passion.  I want to give it the world.  It's the greatest gift I can give.  It is radical freedom packaged in a bottle.  How the hell I could make this into a LP I'm not yet sure.  

When you realize this absolute freedom, you can create and be whatever you desire to bring into existence.  You are God.  You are reality.  It is held only by the restrictions of your imagination.  

Bringing this, with technological, futuristic innovation, with complex but fully cohesive intactness just tickles my fancy in all the right ways.

If you need a depiction of what I am referring to, this will give you some sort of idea (the linked video).


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Following from my last post, I found something which is a significant lead.  Holy crap.  Check out the last two minutes of this video.  This is in the realm of the feeling I want to give to people.  Not exactly like this, but up this alley.  And it was created by a user on this site.  Wow @Focus Shift.


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An entry today on my new understanding of the contemplation process and how I've been dealing with emotions the past few days,


I have paid close attention to the contents of my awareness this past week.  Most of all, the thoughts that have surfaced for me.  Likely, I am quite out of my "normal" routines due to the Covid-19 lockdown, and this has contributed to some form of uncertainty and anxiety regarding not having my usual structured days.  Certainly, since taking the LP course, thoughts of many new possibilities have surfaced.  I have deeply realised the power of the passion inside me, and how disappointed I would be to get stuck in a wageslave job, doing something I hate for fifty years of my life.  My Being would shrivel up in very many ways.  Accordingly, the thought of leaving stability is terrifying.  Especially as I have no real conception of what I would practically make my LP yet and don't think I have any particularly developed skills yet.  I keep comparing myself to the skill level of someone who has been conducting deliberate practice for years.  I don't know why.  It is just the way the self-survival terrified mind works.  And so, in this way, I have "let go" of so many worries.  I feel them for what they are, point out to myself they're not going to get my any further by entertaining them, and I can only compare myself to myself.  As a result, I feel my emotional intelligence has increased.  I don't want to pursue my passion out of fear of being a wageslave.  I want to pursue it from the fire that burns inside of me, fueled by the infinite creativity I alluded to two posts ago.


In addition, I have been reading "The Book of Not Knowing".  I read the described chapters on the contemplation technique today, and wow.  I had an intimation for how to contemplate, and have even had direct experiences on psychs, but this really makes it clear.  The possibility for becoming conscious of existential and personal truths with this method seems immense.  With work, one could seriously transform their every day experience bu understanding so much.  I want to place here some of the explications on how to conduct the contemplation process (as taken from the book).

Pre-contemplation components:

  • Presence (be present, not lost in thoughts)
  • Clarity (be clear in what you wish to contemplate, form a specific question)
  • Possibility (consider that becoming directly conscious of your subject of contemplation is immediately possible, for you

Contemplation components:

  • Intention (you must really want to know, to become conscious)
  • Openness (you don't know the truth about your subject of contemplation, your current understanding is just a self-agenda created by you for survival)
  • Focus (don't let the mind wander)
  • Question (really wonder about it, allow something new to flood your experience)


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Greetings Folks (and future me),

This entry will cover two items.  Firstly, how I've dealt with varying emotions over the past few days.  Secondly, how the LP course is progressing. 

Regarding my progress with the LP course, it is going well.  Accepting the idea that I genuinely would hate to fall short of being able to give my gift to the world and get stuck in wage slavery, this has seriously made me attempt a scurry to devise a LP.  Putting this pressure on myself was not a smart move.  It made me feel depressed due to feel so malaligned with my LP, and as to where I "should" be right now.  To deal with this burden I placed upon myself, I brought awareness to my new thoughts and conceptions about what should be, and tried to let them go.  I released the burden upon myself with the thought that, even if I don't achieve the wild LP, my life would still be great.  And I do believe this to be true.  But I am going to require a more sophisticated process of desiring to create my LP without putting so much pressure on myself.  I think the answer will be in better understanding LOA mechanics.  Though, as of right now, desiring and attachment (attachment being that which brings suffering) are seeming quite synonymous.  In any case, I am grateful for the fact that I have new levels of awareness into the mechanisms by which my mind creates its own suffering.  Certainly, even a few months ago, I would've just waned in arising depressions, succumbing due to a lack of awareness into my mind.

*As an aside, I would like to investigate some more specific journaling techniques.  Right now, I am just emptying my thoughts in a structured way.

Now, in regards to my LP development.  I certainly don't really have a concrete LP and method right now.  I know that starting to develop skills towards obtaining mastery in my chosen field is essential, ASAP.  Because I don't think I've had an art or discipline which I've been purposefully developing skills in, I know I am behind.  So, the pressure is on to start development in this area.  Though, I can't really start yet until I finish the LP course.  Some areas I have identified already are IT skills, marketing skills, and public speaking skills.  In addition, today I completed the explication of values section in the LP course.  I found it difficult to discern the overlapping facets of each label (factor analysis).  So, I think this will require further contemplation and explication.  Maybe I'll need to further break these down by reformulating them.  Anyway, the values I identified, in order of priority, are as follows:

1. Truth / Existential Understanding

2. Infinite Creativity (what I referred to three posts above)

3. Freedom

4. Knowing Myself / Self-Mastery

5. Contribution / Impact

6. Intimate Love

7. Community

8. Childlike fun / Joy

9. Understanding the mind

10. Understanding (and experiencing) the world


I want to mention two further items as part of this post.  Both being remarkable concepts to live by, pulled from the Conversations with God book series.  

Being - Doing - Having:  Rather than try to have something to "Be" happy, as we normally would, try Being that way first.  Sort of like faking it until you make it.  The way I understand it functions is that, when you are operating at the correct frequency, you resonate with your desire and attract it towards yourself.  Meaning, just give yourself over to Love.  Again, I see this, intent and desire are so telling of the result one obtains with spirituality.  Reference to Manly P Hall and his assertion of sincerity being the essential element in spiritual practice.

The five levels of Truth (how to interact with God's Will, what IS): 1. Knowing it 2. Accepting it 3. Praising it 4. Loving it 5. Calling it your own

These are simply concepts, which I deem extremely useful and powerful, that I wish to store in the bank and utilise in every day life much more.  Clearly some of the highest teachings.

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Hello People,

Still ticking away.  I hope you are.  I am thankful to the Universe and to myself for this experience of life that I'm having.  May I increasingly pervade the world with consciousness and love.  Again, I have increased awareness of my awareness the past three days.  It goes something like this:

  • Thoughts constantly arise.
  • If I see the thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, I can choose in which thoughts I imbue meaning.
  • I decide this based on whether or not the thought resonates with Who I Decide To Be.
  • I look to awareness and authentic feelings for the answer to if the thought resonates

So, this has proven quite effective to keep me operating at an authentic and elevated state, not falling prey to my lower self (addictions, victimhood, negative thinking etc.).  


Yesterday I experienced my deepest ever meditation / contemplation session.  It lasted about 2 hours total.  I felt utter serenity.  Tingling sensations were originating from my heart chakra like never before from meditation.  I felt the prana running up and down my spine and anticipated the heart chakra might explode energetically, if a little more, correctly applied, stimulation was applied.  This did not happen during the session, but I felt far closer to living from the heart chakra than before.  This gives me genuine hope and relief, as I intuit that I've been stuck predominantly living in the lower two chakras since my hell trip three months ago.  Of course, it appears that this shift is something that occurs gradually.

Today, I attempted the same meditation/contemplation session.  I felt far more stuck in the survival-self mind.  Again, my goal was to contemplate the question "What is my true nature?"  I was unsure whether to ignore the contents of my awareness, strictly concentrating on perceiving an intimation as answer to my inquiry, or to contemplate the question while keeping the contents of my awareness in mind, searching for the answer there.  I think the answer is clearly, to look for direct truth within my awareness.  Looks like I'm gonna need to give The Book of Not Knowing again pretty soon after I'm finished.  At least the contemplation chapter.

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A prayer / message to my soul.  I imbue this with my highest sincerity.

Having relapsed badly with my addiction yesterday, I would like to get back on the bandwagon.  I slipped yesterday because I didn't have the proper internet blocks in place.  In addition, I certainly have misfiring instincts as a result of the Covid-19 lockdown.  I hadn't left the house the entire day.  

Henceforth, I commit to participating three times weekly in the group meetings, reading the steps in the literature, and commit to doing daily check-ins of my emotional state, and a surrender of my lust.  I commit to this for 8 weeks.  That's 24 meetings in total.  Even when I'm feeling good, and everything is going my way, I commit to this.  I know I have the power to stay in contact with my higher self, and this leads me to not engaging with my lust.  I'll surrender all thoughts, impulses as they arrive.  I may be powerless over lust, but I am not powerless over arriving to the situation.

My daily routine now consists of emotional inventory check and surrender upon waking, followed by Kriya Yoga practice.  Later is meditation followed by contemplation.  These are my priorities.  I am also including daily exercise (weightlifting or jogging), reading (re-reading TBONK), and making progress with the life purpose course.

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One of the highest priority domains I will be working on during the next while will be improving my relationship with my emotions.  I mean this to pertain to my own emotional processing, which I believe is highly dysfunctional.  My self has always had an almost dissociative relationship to emotions.  I've never embraced feeling my emotions and totally neglected them, as if I was a soulless stoic.  I've always cared incredibly much about what others thought of me, being extremely hypervigilant in my actions, as not to offend them, or say something inappropriate or stupid.  I've been shy and naturally inclining towards comfort my entire life.  Due to a past year of often being in new working environments, I've been constantly stressed about social interaction.  I've felt out of place and inferior.  It's only been recently, after commencing the ceasing of my addiction, which I've realised, I always felt this way, constantly feeling inferior socially, and I constantly used my addiction to sooth the pain I felt.  I've done this for ten years.  Now it's time to really shed my old skin of my self and align with Truth.  

I've not yet fully dove into unravelling the history of this circumstance, in terms of analysing my history etc.  I don't want to make it a huge story to attach myself to, further cementing the issue in my mind.  Though, I think it is best if I dive fully in and resolve the possible roots of the issue.  I think if I constantly remember that I am always in a process of recreating myself, and am not tied by the strings of the past, I'll be able to attempt the healing without letting it become a reinforced element of my identity.  

Currently, I do have a hypothesis as to how this came about in myself.  Of course, I don't know if this is the precise cause of my self-formation to be the way it is.  When I was a few months old, my mother had to leave me for a period of six weeks.  She was medically advised not to be in my presence for this period of time, as she had just underwent radiation therapy for cancer.  I've not yet fully obtained an exact history about this event from her.  Possibly, this event acted as an abandonment trauma.  Possibly, from this, I developed a subconscious fear of being abandoned.  As a result, I learned to never express my own emotions, never wanting to offend another, risking the possibility of making them leave.  Again, I don't know if this is the truth, but it does line up.  I'll be discussing this further in the psychotherapy sessions I'll be attending, and will also obtain a more accurate historical record of the event in question.

Going forwards, healthy processing of my emotions is vital for me.  I will sit with my emotions.  NO MEDICATING.  Today I medicated myself by consuming an energy drink.  It made dealing with the pain that is inside easier.  In addition, this caffeine intake ruined my contemplation for the day, as it meant I was far more attached to the mind.  Hence, NO CAFFEINE.  

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Character strengths I deemed to be my top five from the relevant LP course section are as follows:

  1. Curiosity & interest in the world
  2. Judgement, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
  3. Perspective wisdom
  4. Spirituality, sense of purpose, faith
  5. Love of learning

Pretty based in wisdom huh?  

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Today I read much of the SA whitebook.  It's an illuminating and hopeful read for me.  Now, I feel it really will be possible.  I am saying here now, I'm committing sincerely to these steps.  It's going to be a rough ride, but I know this is what my heart truly wants.  Having the framework is so helpful.  To go up, we must first go down.  So, here we go.


I learned today, the contributions of escape and resentment in the flourishing of this addiction.  Examining my life, I see I've really had this sense of pride and self-importance, though, keeping it all to myself.  Countless times I've repressed expressing how I truly feel about something.  Meanwhile my gut screams at me to express it.  This sense of self-importance was clearly visible when I was younger.  I was frequently enraged, flying off the handle at small transgressions of others, often taking my anger out on my little sister.  Additionally, I felt out of place in the world.  I drummed-up stories about this, further creating depressed temperaments about myself.  

Somewhere along the line, I discovered an outlet.  One that allowed an escape into my own fantasy world, soothing that little boy's pain.  Now, it's time to heal that little boy's pain.  To younger me, I would give the message that everything is going to be okay.  I would tell him, that, he might not realise it yet, but this world loves him.  Now, no more bandages over these wounds.  No more altering my state to get away from this pain.  I must feel and express my emotions exactly as they are.  It's OKAY to reveal yourself to others.  

The relationship with this addiction remained unconscious for a long time, being compartmentalised into something I do while on my own.  Never discussing my actions with another.  Over time, I turned to it more and more to heal my pain.  Then, it reached the stage it has now.  I am beyond conscious enough to realise that it's not what my heart truly desires for me.  My heart wishes it to stop, but a certain part of me does not.  This particular part of me, I wish to surrender.  I wish to free my heart from it's grasp.  This will be an ongoing process.

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Life is going well.  The LP course is a gold mine.  I deemed the following to be my top 10 most fascinating questions:

1.    What is reality/God?
2.    What is consciousness?
3.    How best can I live my life purpose in a manner giving the largest contribution possible, making a living, conducting myself in a high consciousness manner?
4.    How can I be most authentic to who I truly am in my life?
5.    How can I best purify myself, dealing with my lower nature?
6.    What is my grandest vision to give to the world?
7.    How can I obtain as much wisdom possible?
8.    What is Karma and what are its implications?
9.    What is the best balance of judgement and compassion / masculinity and femininity (in dealing with others)?
10.  What are the wildest and most beautiful states of consciousness possible (spectrum of possibilities)?


Regarding the Self-realization process more generally, I am understanding more and more how much surrender contributes to this path.  For example, in my current process of distancing myself from my addiction, I am learning to surrender to the higher self that is inside of me.  I hand my power over to my higher self and let it direct things.  It truly works.  It's as if, when I do this, I stay operating at a higher frequency.  I retain a far better ability to manifest the actions and emotions that I deeply desire.  In addition, I'm currently reading The Religion of Tomorrow by Ken Wilber.  Here, great reference is made to the process of ascending through the chakras.  Growth is depicted as the subject becoming the object of the subject of the next stage higher.  In this way, when I relinquish my lower desires to my higher self, I am surrendering seeing the world through the lens of these desires, and they are then subsumed by my higher self.  The higher self transcends and includes the lower desires (self).  This means the lower desires, for example, lust, are seen as mere bodily energy.  A tool to expend in more useful areas.  Not something to become a slave to.

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I've done a fair bit of dreaming the past few days and want to share this plan for the future here:

My ideal / long-term objective is to devise a comprehensive system for the facilitation of ultra-advanced non-dual states of consciousness.  This would be theoretically- and empirically-backed structural model, adhered to by facilitators to guide participants to experience and understand these non-dual states.  It would integrate modern psychotherapy and psychology, spirituality, psychedelic science, Integral Theory, the work of Stan Grof etc.  It would likely be a facilitated retreat setting, utilising 5-MeO-DMT.  

I aim to be on the legal cutting edge of what is possible.  However, this is a long term vision.  I envision this in about 15 years time or so.  Before that, I aim to become a psychedelic-assisted psychotherapist.  Ideally, working for MAPS with MDMA or psilocybin.  I take it that becoming well-versed in psychotherapy and psychedelic-assisted therapy will lend greatly to the founding of a psychedelic consciousness retreat centre.

I am planning to achieve mastery in this field and believe I have the passion for it to become world class.  My plans to achieve this are to have a psychology Bachelor's degree in two years time.  Following that, I'll move to the Netherlands and complete a one year Master's degree in clinical psychology or a similar specialisation (The Netherlands seems to be a very promising avenue with psychedelic-assisted therpy.  Some psychotherapists already legally conduct psilocybin psychedelic retreats there).  From here, I hope to attain some clinical experience and then apply to be trained as a psychedelic-assisted therapist by MAPS.  I'll work as a psychedelic-assisted therapist for an unknown period before looking to establish a consciousness retreat centre mentioned above.

This is certainly a longer-term vision, but it's something that wakes me up motivated each morning.

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Contemplation on radical honesty to self:

What can I best more honest to myself about in my life?

I am not content in my self-expression to those around me - mainly my family.  I contain my true feelings about things due to fear of upsetting them.  I have a strong fear of being negatively criticised.  I am not content with my social interactions, with those people who are new to me.  I feel far too stifled.  

I am not satisfied with my current life circumstances.  I need to move out from living with my family.  I need to have a more thriving social life, based on the sharing of mutual interests.  I want to attain the best career circumstances that I possibly can.  I want to pursue Truth and Freedom fully in my life, living a thrilling and engaging life.  I don't want to feel contained.

In my relationship, I can conform to my girlfriend's desires.  She has a vision of how she wishes her life to be, and I have my own.  I need to stay true to my own vision for my life.  

I am depending on my relationship for stability.  I am resisting free self-expression in my interactions with people.  I know that my current situation is not all there is to life.  

How am I not being honest with myself about my potential in life?

I am not sure.  I feel like I have some basic, more essential issues to sort out before I can begin to enjoy the real fruits of life.  When I get my avoidant issues improved, move out of home, am earning some money in a career that I see a genuine future for myself in, have a community to express myself genuinely in, life will be better.  Clearly, my avoidant issues contribute to each of these areas.  I am really looking forward to sorting this out.

Not too much has been said here.  Some immediate actions I am taking to remedy my avoidant issues are; I am going to buy some of the emotional health books on Leo's booklist, commence the 3-2-1 shadow work process, and I'm set to start psychotherapy sessions in two weeks.

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Contemplating, researching, brainstorming more and more on my LP.

My LP at a fundamental level pertains to understanding Truth, a synthesis of spirituality, reality, and psychology.  I want to understand reality at higher and higher levels, ultimately in the eyes of God.  Sculpting my understanding of Form and existing as the Witness.  Mediums for this, I see, are a:

  1. MAPS / Compass Pathways psychedelic-assisted therapist
  2. A solo writer/investigator of Truth (author / blogger / vlogger etc.)
  3. A psychedelic retreat facilitator (e.g. Synthesis retreat / InwardBound, both using psilocybin in the Netherlands)
  4. Create my own consciousness retreat (psychedelic-assisted).  I'd need to attain higher levels of mastery before commencing this.
  5. Academic physiological / psychological psychedelic research
  6. Psychotherapist - Transpersonal / Spiritual.  Possibly specialising in individuals going through "spiritual emergencies".

Clearly, many of these are oriented in the same direction.  By becoming a psychotherapist, I will have basis for pursuing all options, bar possibly #5.  And that sounds the most boring anyway!  So, I'm continuing to research which psychology / psychotherapy qualification I will pursue.  

I reckon I'd make a nifty psychotherapist if I specialised in the areas of psychedelics and spiritual emergencies.  Or assisting individuals through their "Cleaning Up" process, while moving towards "Waking Up".  Clearly, my passion is for understanding, something I'd need to pursue in my own time.  Assisting clients would merely be a vehicle for using my understanding to make a living.  But hey, it sounds damn good to me.  I'd get a real joy out of helping people (cough, cough, let me delay the "Other is imaginary" awakening for a long time lol).  I love to speak passionately about my understandings.  Let's do it!

Now back to careful planning, strategising, researching, contacting people in the field, dreaming.


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