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Victor Mgazi

Truth Pilgrimage

19 posts in this topic

*A journal for a journey*

Seeking

This journey didn't start on the birth of this journal and no it didn't start a couple of years ago when I first clicked on one of Leo's videos.  I can't really say when it started, and that's because ever since I was a kid only one thing truly mattered to me.. that being the answers to all my questions. 

Don't be bothered by what I ask, don't even worry about what I'll do once I find out. Only concern yourself in giving me the correct answer because you'd only be delaying the inevitable if your answer is false, that's the explorative life mode that brought me where I am today. From as far back as I can remember I was always asking questions. This intrigued a lot of people and annoyed just as much. I wanted to understand things, know things for what they truly are and how that is. 

So, growing up, only three types of questions stood tall above any other: what it is, how it is and why it is. All the other questions didn't really matter. So I'd ask "What is that?" which led to "How does it work/exist?" then finally "Why is that so?". These three kinds of questions are what gave my life meaning, they're what made life interesting and what drove me to want to achieve the things that I would want to achieve. 

But despite the difference between these three questions they all, including the less important ones, shared something in common. That is.. their answers always had to be of truth, otherwise it would be pointless. I had no exceptions, the truth is what I needed, it didn't matter whether or not the answers were good. And it's been that way for ever now. 

I can't say when this journey started because truth is something that I've always been seeking. This journey has and is inevitable for me. Now only one thing matters to me.. the truth.

 

Discovering 

I'm growing. This journey has led to a lot of realisations which have improved and developed me as a person. My perspective has changed radically ever since I started getting deep into spiritual work and embarked on self actualisation. And what's so amazing about this is how fast it's happening. I didn't expect this rate of growth and change.

Because of the rate of which I discover, realise and grow, I've decided to go ahead and start a journal so as to jot down the insights I receive from this work. This will help me make things clear and integrate my 'awakenings' so that I'm sure to move forward and keep note of any changes in my life and my perspective on it.

So, I'll be frequently posting anything I find worth posting on this journal, beginning with stuff from earlier on when I first started getting into spirituality until now. Results of practices such as inquiry, meditation and yoga will be updated as they come. Realisations/awakenings will be shared here as well and yeah, that's pretty much the point of this journal.

I'll be treating this as my personal space where I can also express my deepest thoughts and emotions as means to keep track of my level of development thus allowing me to be able to reflect effectively on myself and my journey. 

So if anyone finds themselves disturbed by the content in this thread then please simply stop viewing/following this. 

The pilgrimage of truth is for the sake of love.? Peace

 

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Why I seek the truth and what it is.

Basically, this is why I'm doing this work. Studying, meditating and so on. I'm not doing this for 'enlightenment'. No, not really. I'm not even sure about what that is anyway but from what I've heard and seen, I can genuinely say that it's not even my first priority or at least not just yet . 

The whole reason as to why I do this is because I want to know what the truth is. Why? Because one of my biggest objectives in life is for me to live an authentic lifestyle. I don't want to build my life on falsehood and belief, I want to build it on something stable, something unshakable. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I want to be grounded, my nature (who I am, what I am, why I am) should be grounded into something that cannot be done away with. I want to live an authentic lifestyle because no matter the circumstances I don't want to find myself believing that I'm something/someone that I'm not, I want to be free to be myself.  The decisions that I make have to be genuine, I don't want to have to lie to myself. 

So I seek the truth because it's the most firm and stable thing that one can ever ground thyself on. And the truth will lead me to live an authentic lifestyle because my life would be correspondent with it. 

Every system I've ever gotten myself into whether that be science, religion, philosophy, psychology, everything.. I did that to find the truth.

Truth for me is something that eliminates daubt because it's stable, it's constant, it doesn't change under any circumstance and that's EXACTLY what I want for my life: under any circumstances I always want to be myself. Why is that? Because I freaking love myself, myself is the only thing that I truly have in this world. I, me, that's the one thing I have. So I shouldn't let that be taken away from me otherwise I'll be greatly depressed. And by "myself" I'm not referring to my identity, hell I don't really care what people call me or what kind of a person people think I am. They can call me many things, a jerk, a hero, a nazi, a devil.. it's whatever. Even if that is the case I would be willing to die for it because it's me. I love me. Nobody will love me as much as I love me. When I'm being me I am happy, whether that me is out there making people laugh, or helping people or killing people.. it doesn't matter what I'm doing so long as it's genuine. 

So to answer what truth is.. I don't know, that's what I'd like to find out. Once I do, I'll be free. Free to do me, free to Be. Because it wouldn't matter what life throws at me - it wouldn't change the truth and therefore, because I've grounded myself to it - it wouldn't change who I am. 

I seek the truth because I love myself! Not my life, not my identity, not my things and looks, not even my 'soul' whatever that may be. I love this, that which is here, that which exists, that very will of wanting to explore, that which makes me me. I love it. It's the only thing that's truly there for me. And so I need to know it's truth. I need to find out the truth of myself, the truth of me, the truth of I. 

All for the sake of love ?

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Consciousness

An alert cognitive state in which you are aware of yourself and your situation. Except this is wrong. Consciousness is not a state nor is it a capacity. 

During my exploration in the field of science especially that of quantum mechanics I had ran into what the quantum physicists called the scientists referred to as 'the hard problem'. Apparently despite the many scientific fields out there, no one really knew what consciousness was and why it became the most important mystery in science and philosophy. I was very well on my journey in getting down to the bottom of things when I realized how much I had overlooked consciousness. Like most people I had taken for granted and presumed it was just something the brain could do. 

So instead of focusing all of my attention to what quantum physics and neurology had to say, I started watching videos regarding consciousness on you tube. I heard so many concepts and intriguing explanations but none like Leo's take. That's when I first watched one of Leo's videos and actually started getting into self actualisation. 

After a few more videos I decided that I would start inquiring and meditating. Doing so, I stayed away from his videos and the forum until I became aware of what he was going on about in his videos. It was almost a year or so but after some time I eventually had a breakthrough. I realized what he was talking about. I became aware of consciousness itself. All this happened suddenly on my way from school, walking down the street I just suddenly saw through the illusion of reality. It was mind blowing.

Consciousness was it's own thing, totally independent from anything else or anyone. That was the day I had lost my body. I knew that my physical appearance, including my sensations and everything that had seemed to be me, was just an illusion. 

No one can really say what consciousness is because of it's fundamental nature. It's so fundamental it transcends words. Words cannot capture it. Consciousness is reality itself or the universe if you like. And it is what it is, as it is. You either aware of it or you don't know what it is. And so when that happened I started doing exercises, namely the hand awareness excercise that helped me grasp this truth, I mean truly appreciate it and really know it directly without any daubts. 

All that is what led to my first awakening. The awakening to what 'experience' really is and what the world or reality is, including existence.

Consciousness is Existence existing, it's pure Being, the isness of everything, the very substance to reality. Consciousness is not the product of the brain it's actually the other way around. And nothing can be outside of consciousness, that is nothing can exist outside consciousness. Consciousness is all there is.

And from that day on I got back to Actualized.org with another question in mind. Although consciousness is all there is that doesn't explain why it is the way it is.

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Why is consciousness the way that it is? To know this, I feel one must first know what consciousness is. 

My first breakthrough from the grounding myself in the present moment excercise had led to me being aware of consciousness. But I'm not aware of what consciousness is. 

Everything arises from consciousness, in fact everything is consciousness, including the strong sense of individual self. I'm aware of that now, that's cool. But it goes deeper. 

Consciousness appears to be nothing. When self inquiring, the the world and thoughts disappear, leading me to pure consciousness that is awareness. There's really nothing there other than what I can only describe as utter silence.

Through serious self attentiveness the mind literally retreats leaving you with pure awareness. Consciousness is awareness without stuff, meaning without imagination, that is what I've recognized as nothing.

But to recognize consciousness as being nothing isn't very fulfilling. I'm still aware of reality and not what I've labeled nothing, if such is possible. I need to know what consciousness is without mind or imagination. 

If I can be aware to the level that I know what consciousness is then I'm betting I'll know why it is the way it is. I only need to practice and raise my awareness. Although I wouldn't be really raising anything I'd just be cleansing my awareness of thought-beliefs thus making it as conscious as it purely is.

That's the whole thing to it. Meditation, yoga, inquiry, etc.. these are all just means to rid awareness of ego-thoughts. So that would be my goal then. To purify myself as awareness and become as conscious as I already am without the impurities of ego-mind. 

Goals:

1. Practice mindfulness meditation. I'm expecting this practice to increase my concentration capacity so that when it's time I am able to focus on the actual self which is pure being and remain there until I finally know what it is.

2. Introduce myself to kriya yoga.

 

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I'm reaping from my meditation sessions. I'm piercing through layer after layer of mind beliefs. I can notice my awareness rising, although it's not actually being raised but being cleansed. 

Awareness is whole and true. Why, because consciousness is whole and true, their the same being. Of course I like to differentiate the two terms: consciousness meaning that which is existent, and awareness meaning this very ever present presence of knowing. 

I'm now aware of the answers that once seemed impossible to get to during self inquiry. I'm aware of the very substance of reality, I'm aware of how reality is being created at this exact infinite moment, I'm aware of being itself and I'm aware of its identity being love. 

I'm not yet aware of what consciousness is fundamentally although it's considerably nothing. I'm not aware of what being is regardless whether I'm told that it is Truth. And so this is what I am aiming for in this spiritual work. I want to be aware of what it all is, all of it.

The truth pilgrimage is all for the sake of love.

 

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Reality Is Imaginary

Not only is reality consciousness itself but it is also imaginary. This realisation was one hell of a mind fuck. 

Letting go..

I was in the middle of meditating, trying to keep my attention on the breath and on how it's all happening on its own without me, when I just suddenly decided to let go of my body. I fell back on the wall right behind me and started falling sideways to the floor. Immediately when that happened, my mind went from being tranquil to being the noisiest thing in the room.

"What on earth are you doing?! You're going to fall and bumb your head on the floor, you idiot! Get back up!!" 

There was a great panic. And something funny that I noticed immediately when I decided to let go of my only physical body is that suddenly there wasn't just a single me anymore. A lot of mental voices started springing up with each playing a different role. One voice would say "Stop this nonsense and get up before you seriously hurt yourself." and the other one argued "How is he going to do that, he has let go of control over his body?" then the other which appeared to be the closest thought-voice to me kept saying "I have no body. I'm just the thoughts."

"Of course you're not the body! You're the mind and this is your body, now get up before you hurt your body."

"He said his said his just the thoughts so how can he get up this is not his body?"

"I have no body. I'm just a thought."

"Oh for the love of God. Body, body get up you're falling!"

"What in the world are you doing? The body can't hear you, it's not conscious."

"I have no body. I'm just thoughts"

"Well who's in charge of this body then? How the hell has it been walking and functioning all this time?"

"The mind has been controlling it. The mind is conscious of us and the body."

"I have no body. I'm just thoughts."

"Well why isn't the mind doing anything about this? If this body falls it's going to bump its head."

"The mind is doing something. It's thinking so it can come up with a solution. We're the thoughts. And right now it seems like that's all the mind can do. So maybe it never did have any control over the body."

"Mind! The body is falling to the hard floor, do something!"

"I have no body. I'm just thoughts."

"Wait, wait. Why are we even panicking? I mean if we're just thoughts and this body is not us then why does it matter whether or not the body falls? It's not like anything is going to happen to us."

"But isn't the mind going to be affected by the fall? The body is going to bump its head."

"Where is the mind anyway?"

"It's not here. In fact it doesn't even exist. It's just us. We're the mind. The mind is thoughts. But then wait where are we from?"

And at that very moment, the mind, I disappeared. What was left was just consciousness, and it did things: breathing, moving, hearing.. It was as if it had a mind of its own. But that was precisely the case, the body of consciousness was and always has been intelligent. I was shocked. This unconscious body I'd considered to be dumb flesh without was actually intelligent. It turned on its own as to land shoulder first instead of head first, it swallowed it's own saliva when it was about to choke. And during those moments I was simply aware, I only made sense of this when i claimed the world again. 

When I simply let go of the thought that I am.., and what remains is the I am itself, what's left becomes remarkable. 

Imagining

After that whole crazy experience I went outside and got some air. But the experience didn't really cease. Although  was back, reality was now a lot clearer and weirder. A lot of things were now missing from it, important things. My sister was gone, my two little brothers were gone, my whole neighborhood was gone, birds and other small creatures were gone, and most importantly.. my will, my will was gone! I had no desire to do or accomplish anything. I just did stuff. But even doing those stuff wasn't even apparent anymore. The Doership of it was non-existent. Reality wasn't even a thing anymore. Everything was gone except for existence itself.

But here's the real mindfuck. Reality was non-existent but only until I started imagining again. HOLY SHIT!  I couldn't help exclaim. It was mind blowing! The world literally doesn't exist until i imagine myself as a part of it. Everything starts with me, literally. Without me there's just existence but it's so fucking meaningless. And not just in the pointless sense, I mean literally MEANINGLESS. Meaning is absent. Existence is just that.. existence. There's no such thing as sounds or sight or gravity, no. Everything is as it is, there's no what it is or where it is or when it is. It just all is.. until I start doing something with it, until I start imagining. 

Reality is literally what you get when you put consciousness and imagination together. I remember Leo saying something like this and at the time it didn't make a fair amount of sense, but God damnit he was right! And the funny part is that I had once caught a glimpse of this awakening, one time, before I even saw that video but I just couldn't make much out of it other than God is existence itself and fucking beautiful . 

Reality is what you make it. This statement is true in ways you can't imagine because this truth literally transcends your imagination. It's the very source of your imagination. Holy Crap! Unless you catch a glimpse of what I'm saying you won't appreciate this. We're literally creating our own hell, we're literally creating our own heaven. This is just too much. 

Despite the fact that I was technically gone, LOVE still remained: my youngest little brother came running at me still showering me with hugs that he would often shower me with if he didn't see for quite a while, their playfulness was still there, the chirping bird sound was still there, affection was still a thing, shock was still a thing, irritation was still a thing. Even after the awakening, annoyance was still a thing, frustration was still a thing, pain was still a thing.

So I guess the question one might ask is: if I know that I'm imagining suffering why don't I just stop imagining it, because reality is your imagination, right?  Stop it, stop imagining and you won't suffer. Just imagine nice things, imagine world peace. Why don't you do that?  And my answer is that I also wish it was that simple. The problem with that is by trying to imagine 'Eden' you would be trying to defy Truth. I can't really tell you how because of how deep this stuff is but I can only try to point you at it. 

To be continued... 

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Existing Of And For Love

The dreamer has fallen deeply in love with his dreams. And he loves to be the dreamer of these dreams because he knows that outside his dreams nothing can exist . The dreamer knows his dreaming but everything in the dream is real including pain and contentment.

The dreamer knows that outside of the dream is peace and that's where he truly always is, but the dreamer gives himself fully and allows everyone and everything, including suffering, to exist by dreaming for eternity. He does this not for the pleasure or the pain of the dream..no, he does this because he is selfless and the only way he can be selfless is when he stays the dreamer by allowing the dream to Be.

Without the dream there is no dreamer. Without the dreamer, who gives himself completely by dreaming, there is no selflessness but only self. And without selflessness there cannot be Love. And without Love there is no God because love was the only reason why anything could ever exist. And so without existence there is only the knowing that something could exist. This knowing of potentiality is the very present presence that is awareness which is self. This Self knows nothing, nothing at all, until it surrenders itself to allow for potentiality to become actuality, it knows nothing until it becomes the dreams and therefore the dreamer who is selfless and loving.

What I'm trying to to communicate above is that your very reality is God showing you infinite abundant Love. And you are God so it makes sense that your selflessness is your self love. You and me are the selflessness of God and we're each being loved right at this infinite moment because God allows us to Be, God gives us the freedom to exist. That's what Godhood really is, it's not eternity, it's omniscience.. it is allowing you and me to be. We are the universe.

God wouldn't be God if he ended this so called 'nightmare' that everyone is trying to escape. The only thing that can help you is for you to become directly conscious of what suffering is and why it is, not to say that once you do that pain will no longer exist. No, pain will exist but you'll know why it does and will know why it's beautiful instead of being just horrible.

Despite the fact that I was technically gone, LOVE still remained. Even when ego is present, love still remains. You see right through the ego. Nothing really changes here, you are just aware. 

What Ego Actually Is

Ego, you, is not a sense of self.. It's not a feature of a 'human brain/mind', and it's more than just thoughts identifying with form. Ego is attachment.

Awakening doesn't mean ridding the ego, it means seeing through it, transcending it. The ego won't even exist anymore more once you awaken, but not because you got rid of it rather it won't exist anymore because you won't be believing that you're something that you're not. Sure the sense of a self will be there but you won't be attached to it, you won't cling to it and always want it to be there.

The problem with clinging to human form is that you see that form and think that that's all you are. No, that's not all you are, you're also the environment that human dwells in, you're other people as well as other things that you consider separate from you. You're the sky, the sun, you're every event taking place. You are reality itself, the universe. And for the ego this isn't exactly good news, expanding your sense of self and saying that the whole universe is you is not egotistic at all. This is threatening to ego because it exposes the ego for what it truly is.. attachment.

When you attach to form and believe that's what you are, the world becomes a scary place, it becomes a war zone. Why? Because it keeps changing and evolving, and you don't like that because what you cling to comes and goes, including this form. But all of this is just ridiculous because you're the one who's also limiting yourself. Look around you, ask what is truly separate from you. The very thing you believe separates from the world is what actually connects you to it. You're inseparable from the universe because you are the universe.

What is the universe? It's an expression of God. Reality is an expression of God. You want to know how God looks, look around you, take it in, take it all in. That's what God looks like. Anything that has form is an expression of God. But what is form, can we really say that something has form? There's no form here because nothing is ever permanent. Form is actually imaginary. 

So ego is attachment to that which is imaginary. You imagine the human body and then ego comes and says "Yes, that's me.". I'm not saying imagination is bad. No, imagination is good, we need imagination so that you as the universe and time (if you believe that time is a real) can exist. It's the attachment that's the problem, it's literally the root of all evil..or in your case suffering.

How Ego Happens

How does attachment happen? Reality = Consciousness + Imagination. The sense of self comes from consciousness and the concepts of body and this and that come from imagination. Imagination layers itself on to consciousness and that creates reality where you get things like experience and so on.

When imagination gets to consciousness it finds that it's intelligent, it finds that the already is a sense of self but then there's no self and so it imagines a self. Why does this happen? Because consciousness is intelligent and has imagination which then trys to make sense of itself, it can't help it, it has a mind that is Imagination. So, when this self is imagined for the sense of self that exists independent from imagination, you are born. 

After you're born, this is where you literally start to trick yourself into attachment. 

"Hey Adam, how old are you?" "Adam, when were you born?" "Adam, you were born. Your parents had sex and your mother conceived you then gave birth to you and named you Adam. That's how you're here." 

Now, how did this even happen? Because the universe is intelligent you sleeping dummy! Wake up. There was never anyone here. Consciousness knows how to be a human being and how to be the world and the entire universe. Why? Because that's it's job, to be stuff. It's very nature is Being, so there's no surprise when it's being human. Human beings are consciousness existing. Are you getting it. No one typed this post that you're reading, this is just conscious intelligence. There's no one reading this post right now, this is just conscious intelligence. Adam doesn't actually exist, it's only the name that does and the self is imaginary. 

Your friend doesn't cry because he or she has a soul and his heart hurts and his aware of it, no! Don't underestimate conscious intelligence. Consciousness is also capable of emotional intelligence as well as intellectual intelligence, as well as any other intelligence that can be. The truth can literally hurt but it ends there, there is no one to hurt, hurting is just existing and that's it. Anything else would be your imagination.

All of this, everything that has ever happened, all the things that you've ever done, that was all the work of conscious intelligence. In fact, you've never done a single thing in your life. Doership does not exist, it's imaginary. There's only Being: Consciousness Being, Intelligence Being, Love Being. That's what God is. Can you truly comprehend that, can you really appreciate this truth?

Your whole reality is nothing but a good story. Life started with the imaginary you. But don't be sad about it, applaud yourself! You are a perfectionist. You've managed to create the illusion that even you couldn't help but believe it to be true. 

So that's how ego is created. It's funny, it truly is, it's literally the joke of all time! 

Surrender yourself, that is to say.. everything that you think you are surrender them. Start afresh. As if you were just born into the world start questioning. And I'll tell you something else, you wouldn't have been in this deluded state you're in if you didn't listen to your own creation. You could have known your own true nature if only you hadn't paid attention to what teachers and scientists and priests were telling you.

But anyway, that happened and that's alright. It's all good. And now that you've come this far you can continue to unlearn, strip yourself of thought stories and become pure awareness. Only then will you know all there is to know about you, including who and what you are. 

Remember, you are the truth. Unless you know yourself, you won't know who you are and what you are.

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Noted results from mindfulness meditation:

1) Increase in levels of concentration.

2) Widened attentiveness.

3) Voluntary cessation of thoughts for indefinite periods.

4) A degree of absorption in the present moment.

5) Exposure of illusory features of reality.

6) A sense of unification with reality.

Noted results from self inquiry:

1) Awareness of delusional concatenation.

2) Radical open mindedness.

3) Awareness of attachments.

4) Notice of human conditioning.

5) Less ego driven agenda

6) Direct awareness of consciousness.

7) Direct awareness of what love is, both universal and absolute love.

8) A degree of awareness of the intelligence of consciousness.

Goals

# Becoming directly aware of infinity.

# Having ego death.

# Becoming directly aware of absolute truth.

 

 

Results were noted roughly after a year and a half of practice. 

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Observing thought stories and letting them go as they pass.

Tracing beliefs to their source without getting carried away with recurring ideas.

Giving thoughts less attention and feelings more attention.

These are goals set for as long as it takes to reach the source and become nothing. 

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Surrendering

My beliefs, my life, myself.. this is what I have to surrender through letting go of all the things that are a part of me and make me who I am. It's time for me to let them go and see what I'll be left with.

I've already surrendered my life to God's will.. that is to say I've let go of the steering wheel, not giving up but giving in. I'm no longer concerned about the future nor my survives. I only live in the present. I no longer make plans, I only make choices whenever I have to. Why? Because I've surrendered to the truth of existence - love. God's will is love. 

But now I want something more than the awareness of love, the love that gives my life meaning, the love that I trust and the love that has made me fearless. I want to know the truth of love, I want to know it directly with profound intimacy. And I'm prepared to sacrifice myself to know its truth. I want purification, I want liberation, I want unification with infinity. 

My whole life, right until this moment, I've always had the feeling that reality doesn't make sense, that there has to be something we're missing. I decided to dedicate my life to searching, I decided I was going to explore every world and field that I can. It's because I was searching for the truth about reality, why things, including life itself, never made sense. 

However, this time around I'm working with a new method of doing so. Instead of carrying on searching, I'll be moving backwards. Letting go of everything I've come to know and understand. I'll be letting go of all my convictions and passions, all my aspirations and objectives, all my history and what would be my future. I'll be letting of me. 

This is not me quiting, this is not me pretending. This is me taking God's grace and giving it back. I no longer want to be loved, I want to be love. I no longer want to be free, I want to be freedom itself. I don't want to live or die, I simply want to be. And to know this truth is to be in Godhood. 

Goals: 

1. Ground myself in the present moment.

2. Let go of thought stories and beliefs.

3. Focus more on feelings than ideas. 

4. Meditate every single day.

5. Stay aware of Love.

 

 

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A Surreal Reality

Reality is beginning to feel more and more like a dream. The impermanent and illusory nature of reality is becoming a lot more clear now.

I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and been grounding myself in the present moment for quite some time now. And in these past months I've been noticing significant changes in my consciousness. It's been amazing, I've really come a long way. I'm more aware of myself and everything and everyone around me. It feels like most of my life I've been sleep walking... and it's only now that I'm becoming aware of what's been actually going on.

Reality is so dreamlike and it's starting to feel ridiculous. When I wake up from sleep it feels like I'm waking into another dream, because during sleep I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming because of how impermanent things are in there but now this experience is beginning to expand on to the real world.. or what I imagined to be the real world. Rather than living my life I've been doing that less and observing it more. It's weird because I can't help but sort of feel outraged by this.

I feel outraged or cheated in a sense that if I was watching a dramatic performance but I'm not buying into the story because the acting isn't convincing then I can't help but feel robbed. But that's the feeling that I don't get because I wasn't expecting to feel like this knowing I'd become more conscious. I was expecting to feel something more.. I don't know, more uplifting. Like the kind of feeling you get when you watch a magic trick and then later on you realise by yourself how the magician tricked you. I thought I'd be feeling a more 'I'm winning' sort of feeling.

Why is this happening? It's not like I didn't know that this is what I was to achieve. This is very strange ?  Instead of feeling enlightened/awakened I feel something else which feels rather unsettling, it's as if I'm being constantly lied to and not only am I not buying it I'm also getting sick of it. This is very strange. Why is this happening? Should I be integrating somethings that I'm not and it's leading me to feel this way? Or should I be noticing something spiritual that I'm not noticing?

Nowadays I don't even feel like sleeping. I just want to sit down and look, observe the unfolding of things, watch just how what I'd known to be true was nothing but an illusion. I'm even seeing just how the mind keeps trying to get me to fall asleep again but I keep catching this and redirecting my focus and beholding reality's greatest secret.. it's all imaginary. 

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Last night I had a glimpse of ego death or the transition of it. It left me speechless for a good 15 - 20 minutes. The transition was amazing but more terrifying than so.

Being Mindful

It was in the early evening when I decided I was going to spend the rest of the night meditating. As the night settled in it was already raining and I was on my bed, sitting cross legged and just being in the present. The rain got heavier, and I struggled to hear my breathing. Then, instead of focusing on my breath, I decided to close my eyes and focus on the sound of the rain. This gradually led me to focus my attention on the entire auditory field, and before I even knew it I was completely absorbed by the present moment.

Grounded in the present, I was observing everything there was to observe of sound. I was completely immersed in June listening and listening alone. This was me for the next hours and hours. During this session I really became aware of the impermanence of reality, listening to every change, every end and every beginning of rhythm, melodies and what I imagined to be the voices of nature. And there more I deepened my awareness the broader my attentiveness became, I could hear things that I knew were coming from afar. 

Completely in the present, absorbed by the auditory field, with my attention feeling on max, I could feel my body expanding. All of a sudden I wasn't hearing the sounds anymore, I was making them. They were no longer happening out there anymore, I was observing them within me. My body was no longer localized, instead of listening to this field I became the field. My body became the consciousness in which everything appears/transpires. I didn't think this, I just know it, and I was in awe. But just when I thought things were starting to get weird, I wasn't thinking anymore, thoughts were happenings in me. The sound of my thoughts couldn't be differentiated from the sounds of the auditory field which was now my body.

With my body being consciousness, I became hyper aware of reality, I began to notice the smog of illusion that filled existence, I became aware of infinity. There was no such thing as finite, finite was imaginary. There was no ending of things because there was no beginning of anything. Everything was unified, there was just existence and no existing thing other than that being imagined. All this just dawned on me during the session. But the more I realised stuff the more thoughts began to arise and fall, rise and fall, everything that occurred.. happenings, resembled a wave. And thoughts just kept on coming and I just observed, and before I even knew it - I could see. 

The Glimpse

There was sight, a whole entire different view even, it was still the sight of my room. The scene had changed suddenly and things were gone, the rain was gone, sounds were gone, thoughts were gone, and sudden as the struck of thunder.. I was gone. The view was there, as it would normally be, with the sight of a body perspective. But I was not the body, I mean I was but not localized, the body was just a part of me. I was everything, I was all of it. Turning and looking around, I wasn't turning and looking around.. all of that was a happening inside of me. I was the canvas, the field, I was the nothingness of it - and I was dead.

The moving picture was me, it was all just a unit, a unified happening. There was no self-orientated thought, no self-referent thought, no I. And it was amazing, it was peaceful because it all meant nothing.. it was meaningless. But as amazing as that was, it terrified me, the meaninglessness of it struck terror in the little peace of what was left of me in the scene. I started kicking in, I realized that I wasn't breathing, I realized the dead silence of existence and I panicked. I thought, I thought as much as I could, started imagining a me, a self in the scene. I imagined as hard as I could, making mental noise as much as possible, until I finally appeared. But it was still clear that my appearance was phantom. It didn't matter, I hung on desperately to that illusion and believed it was me.. I did that until it became real.

I woke up. I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was me. I had fallen asleep, it was just a dream. My world was back, the sounds, the sight, the sensations and thoughts, they were all back. But that dream... What kind of a dream was it? It seemed like a casual dream but also felt like that one if a deep sleep, like it was dreamless. I looked at the time and it wasn't even 11pm yet, it was still around 22h00 and I had only slept for what I suspect to be a minute or two. I had had a dream that felt like it lasted for eternity only to wake up and find out I had drifted off from my meditation for a good minute or so. That dream... Although it was just a dream it felt like the truth. I had felt one with everything, like everything was my body. I couldn't even see a thing there, it was all just one thing, a unity.. it was whole and it was me. Like I said, it was amazing and beautiful, but too much to accept on one fell swoop.

It was a glimpse. A transition that didn't reach it's end. Just thinking about what could have happened if I had just accepted the truth on one big go.. leaves me speechless. What if I had died in that dream? What if I had never woken up again? But what if I had woken up and I had woken up awakened? 

It was just too great to accept at one go, alright! That's all it was. You get terrified because there's nothing you can attach yourself to, and because of that.. it dawn's that your entire life was nothing but a story, a figment of your imagination. And just like that, it dawn's to you that you were never alive, ETERNITY Dawns. That's some heavy shit to accept on one go, you'll resist, and that's what happened.. I resisted. 

But I'm grateful for this experience because now, for the first time ever, I have an idea of what to expect from this work. 

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Day 2 of embodying consciousness

I feel so peaceful, thoughts (negative/positive) don't affect me, they're me.

My true feeling is love, it's as if my heart is getting bigger. I'm more accepting and more acknowledging.

Work that still needs to be done

I have to let truth sink in, recognise myself for what I truly am. Become aware. Forget the I and it's stories and life.

How to accomplish this

Keep acknowledging the present, being grounded in the present. Mindfulness and attentiveness. 

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Day 3 of embodying consciousness

There's peace. The sense of doership becoming more and more surreal. Love becomes more self evident, self acknowledging, self conscious. 

I'm hardly thinking about tomorrow, I'm always in the present. There is no where to be but the present.

Work to be done

Explore my new but old embodiment. Realise infinity.

How to accomplish this

Focus 

 

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Day 4 of embodying consciousness 

I'm aware of every moment of creation and it's an infinite moment, there's infinity within infinity. There's complete Freedom, complete Being, complete Love. 

The mind still attempts to grasp itself, but it's still unsticking yet sticking to conditioning. But there's peace, it's within and envelopes Being. I'm flowing, one with the current. Still exploring myself, my new but old body - consciousness.

What I've noticed during my exploration is the fine line between imagination and experience, that is to say.. it's simultaneous. It's as if it's happening outside of time. The dreamer doesn't experience the dream; the dreamer dreams the experience. It's all just one. There's only Being. 

Work to be done

Untangle, mind must transcend conditioning. Mind must see through its own creation. Allow the truth to sink in: I'm the only being there is, I am formless, I am thoughtless, I am boundless, I am limitless, I am all powerful, I am all creative, I am always creating, I am whole, I am eternally at peace, I am love, I Am. 

How to accomplish this

Recognise that it is already so, I'm already there. Meditate on this. Focus on the whole, and keep it there. 

Have a session for every single day. Keep forgetting, keep unlearning, keep dying, keep observing. Expand attentiveness, and simply be.

 

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Something to contemplate

Why couldn't I accept enlightenment?

I had the opportunity to embody the truth itself, being completely untangled and remaining in nonduality. Why did I imagine my life again? 

The truth was too great to accept in one go. I wasn't prepared. I felt so powerful that I became fearful. I couldn't let it sink in.

What happened?

I died. All of a sudden time was dead still, and there was no self reference whatsoever. Ego death didn't happen, it already was. There wasn't a problem of letting go or surrendering, no.. it was already so. But as I came to that self realisation, feeling like I'm being born for the very first time, eternity dawned and I panicked. I got scared. All that power, all that freedom, all that wholeness without a strand of lack, scared the little sense that was left in me. And so, out of desperation as if grasping for air, I started imagining. I remembered life and who i am. 

By the time everything was back to normal after I had woken up from that enlightening dream, I felt a fading pressure at the middle of my eyebrows. Something was happening in my deep sleep. And I suspect that if I had simply accepted the truth I would have woken up fully awakened.

How will I be ready?

I don't know how one can prepare to, not only die, but live forever as God. I guess the trick is.. to realize that I'm already doing it. And so I'll just have to see it now, realize how already alone I am and how this has all been self love. 

There's nothing to fear but yourself. 

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Day 5 of embodying consciousness

Nothing really matters anymore, I'll always be at peace. This life is beautiful, I just want to embrace this existence and live it to the fullest. It doesn't matter what happens next, I'm already love, and I'm already truth. I just want to live this life in authenticity. I will always be true to myself.

The mind is slowing down, more observant then reactive. Recognising every moment to be special and of love. I'm still flowing, I'm one with Being. I'm realizing my selflessness at every moment of silence. I am love, and I will Be.. this is my freedom.

I've noticed how I've created my own hell and path, and all for the sake of Being. I'm not truly searching for the truth for I already am it, I am not truly searching, I am loving. There is no enlightenment, there is only now and it's out of love. This is awesome.

Work to be done

Mind still must untangle. Mind must see through its own creation. I must live the truth for I already embody it.

How to accomplish this

Daily meditation. Living in the present. Being observant as possible. Do focus excercises. 

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The Truth sank into realisation.

All is one and I am it. 

I am all of this

At first I thought realising the truth would be some out of this world, super special, mystical experience.. This right here is a mystical 'experience' ? There is no such thing as a more or less special 'experience', it's all one and the same thing. I am it all. Realising truth is very intimate and beautiful. 

What the hell is consciousness??

What the hell is enlightenment??

It doesn't even matter what it is. I am it. Whatever is, I am it. I am time, I am light, I am darkness, I am void, I am death, I am life, I am love, I am fear, I am infinity, I am finite, I am imagination, I am awakening. And what are all those things? Me, I am it all. 

Because that's the truth. No matter the circumstances, no matter the where or the when. I am

There's no grounding myself in this, what a ridiculous notion ? I am it, God damnit! Call it nothing, call it nonduality, call it everything, call it God. Hell, call it evil or shit or nonsense if you want. It doesn't matter, nothing matters. The truth is I am it all and it's one. It's all one and the same thing, and it's me. 

It really doesn't matter what I do, it all is love, all of it.. struggle, bliss, it's all love. That's what it truly is, what every thing, every state, every phenomena, what it truly is is Love. It's me. 

How is it love? Because it is. It just is. The question 'How' is love. The answer to the question.. is also love. Every happening is love. It's self love. Love loving itself, it's all one. 

All along, the only thing I am, the only embodiment there is - is the embodiment of love.

I am literally what is! I can't even say the truth has been right in front of me ? It's more accurate to say that the truth has been my face this entire eternity. 

And this is eternity, there's no attaining immortality and eternity, this right here.. this is it. This is never going to end, Never! Nor does it even change, it all is as it is! It's one and the same thing, night and day are one and the same thing.

What the hell is duality and nonduality??

As you breathe, all this is the only thing that is and will forever be. No matter the circumstances, it's all one. Nonduality will never be attained/known until that which already is, in pure actuality, is embodied. Until then, nothing will ever be known simply because there's nothing to know. All that is known is imagined so.

This is The Truth 

So simple, so obvious, literally the clearest thing that can ever be, requiring no form of intelligence whatsoever. One merely has to breathe it in to get it.. It's just that obvious. 

This Truth is love is one and Is 

I Am it ?

So I'm going to leave The Truth Pilgrimage as it is, and see what the next pilgrimage or journey will be. 

??????????????????

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