flume

Confusion, Judgment, Falling Apart

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When I first started meditating it felt like a nice, somewhat steady upward progression. I built good habits and slowly felt more content and present. I always trusted the process. But now it feels like there’s no ground at all to stand on. I’m just hit out of nowhere by this confusion that totally robs me of energy and makes me doubt every decision I make. It feels like standing in front of a wall and there’s no way around it.

Have I been doing meditation all wrong? What’s the next step? I just don’t know anymore. Everything suddenly feels so paradox and uncertain.

In these times of contraction it feels like I’ve been taking 100 steps back. And suddenly I’m crazy identified with my thoughts again.

I sometimes wish I would have never known what God is, so I wouldn’t know what’s possible. I know how much good I could do in the world if only I wasn’t so focused on my own bubble all the time… Yet that’s all I’m doing… 

I’m feeling further away from God than ever. And I’m so disappointed in myself for it. This makes me slip into some bad habits that are just so painful to go through… And I’m judging myself even more harshly for it. My life is a guilt trip from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed. Which is kind of the opposite of what all of this should be about.

I’m in a maze.

I wish I could stop hurting myself. 

And I wish I wouldn’t have to be myself anymore.

My life is all rainbows on the outside but on the inside I’m falling apart.

This has been going on for weeks and it’s becoming very exhausting. And the thought that I’m doing this all to myself and that I don’t see the (probably obvious) way out just makes me even more frustrated.

I’m stuck in a downwards spiral.

Help.


"Give me a wildness whose glance no civilisation can endure." (Henry David Thoreau)

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The problem is not very clear to me. A bit more elaboration might help. 

Sometimes meditation can make you feel robotic. Is that what is happening to you? 

What are you Guilting yourself for? 

 

Can you go into the details.. 

 


J̸͟͞u̸͟͞m̸͟͞p̸͟͞ s͞t̸͟͞r̸͟͞e̸͟͞e̸͟͞t̸͟͞ j̸͟͞u̸͟͞m̸͟͞p̸͟͞ s̸͟͞t̸͟͞r̸͟͞e̸͟͞e̸͟͞t͞ 

🅗🅔🅐🅣🅗 - 🅜🅨 🅞🅦🅝 🅒🅞🅒🅞🅞🅝 🅞🅕 🅛🅞🅥🅔 🅐🅝🅓 🅟🅔🅐🅒🅔

My twin Flame guardian is a Dragon. 

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@flumeFirstly, acknowledge that all these judgments are created in your head.

Creating judgmental "should and shouldn't" situations are a trap. There is no guilt needed for you to whip yourself back into shape. You simply need to feel and acknowledge the hurt your actions are causing you with a mindful and non-judgmental mind. Acknowledging with an open mind will show you the affects of your action and motivate you to fix them, without creating any guilt.

This feeling of confusion and feeling groundless is entirely normal, because you are confused and don't understand things. Everyone is. I think it just took you by surprise and threw you into a spiral of self-doubt.

I highly recommend watching these videos from Leo if you happen to have the time: 

 


 "If you showed a caveman our technology, he would think it was magic. And if you showed a modern man magic, he would think it was technology." - Outlast (video game)

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It’s going to be fine. :) You’ve got thought & feeling backwards in understanding. Takes time to realize this. Love yourself and be patient. 

On 3/26/2020 at 7:59 PM, flume said:

When I first started meditating it felt (feeling👍🏻)  like a nice, somewhat steady upward progression (thought hijacked the feeling👎🏻) .

I built good habits and slowly felt (feeling👍🏻) more content and present. I always trusted the process. But now it feels like there’s no ground at all to stand on (thought hijacked the feeling👎🏻).

I’m just hit out of nowhere by this confusion (thought) that totally robs me of energy (energy is feeling. It’s being lost in the confusing of thought & feeling) and makes me doubt (thought) every decision I make. It feels like standing in front of a wall and there’s no way around it (that’s not feeling, it’s a thought - the thought does not feel good. It is not that the thought is true. It doesn’t feel good, precisely because it is not true about you).

Have I been doing meditation all wrong? (nope. It felt good. What’s missed is recognizing / inspecting, the ‘feels good - doesn’t feel good’, of each thought) What’s the next step? (Inspect) I just don’t know anymore. Everything suddenly feels so paradox and uncertain (Those are thought. Feeling says nope, not true about you. Listen to feeling).

In these times of contraction it feels like I’ve been taking 100 steps back (that’s a thought, not feeling). And suddenly I’m crazy identified with my thoughts again. (let feeling lead. It says ‘feels good, or not good’ & feeling is perfectly decisive, no need for thinking about it).

I sometimes wish I would have never known what God is, so I wouldn’t know what’s possible. I know how much good I could do in the world if only I wasn’t so focused on my own bubble all the time… Yet that’s all I’m doing… (focus on your own bubble all ya want, it’s all that is. :)  It’s the misunderstanding of thought & feeling giving you trouble, not selfishness. When you align thought & feeling, and the doors are naturally blown off in regard to selflessness - bubble popped♥️)

I’m feeling further away from God than ever(thought, which doesn’t feel good). And I’m so disappointed in myself for it (that emotion is created by missing that the thought, is not true). This makes me slip into some bad habits that are just so painful to go through (without the misunderstanding of thought & feeling, there’s nothing to cope from :) )… And I’m judging myself even more harshly for it (Not possible to judge yourself. You are One. There is not-two...’nonduality’). My life is a guilt trip (that’s a thought, not a life) from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed (That’s a thought which also, feeling tells you is not true). Which is kind of the opposite of what all of this should be about.

I’m in a maze.

I wish I could stop hurting myself. Align thought, feeling & source. 

And I wish I wouldn’t have to be myself anymore.Yourself is the Greatest. The Absolute Greatest. 

My life is all rainbows on the outside but on the inside I’m falling apart.Just some alignment in order. You’ll be fine. ♥️

This has been going on for weeks and it’s becoming very exhausting. And the thought that I’m doing this all to myself and that I don’t see the (probably obvious) way out just makes me even more frustrated.The way, is In. ♥️

I’m stuck in a downwards spiral. No you’re not. The greatest part is next, you will see. There is infinite love here for you, infinite understanding. 

Help.

 

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18 hours ago, Nahm said:

It’s going to be fine. :) You’ve got thought & feeling backwards in understanding. Takes time to realize this. Love yourself and be patient. 

 

 

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

@Nahm Wonderfully articulated.

 

@flume I would say read what @Nahm wrote calmly and carefully, it's right on the money :) hey, I struggle with these things too sometimes, until I realize what's going on. You're fine, really.

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Thanks @Osaid for commenting. I didn't know the confusion video yet. That's perfect!

@Nahm I really appreciate your response. I've read it many times already and I'll come back to it more. It shifted something different every time. I especially had to laugh at "That's a thought, not a life" :D Almost a week later, everything's different of course. When I let 'reality' in (or some of the things you've said for example) I immediately feel like I'm on the other side of 'it'. Feeling terrible and feeling reality's love are not opposites, all of a sudden they're just next to each other and I can step in and out of them from one moment to the next. My life is becoming a paradox. 

My mind just isn't very comfortable with this big sea of not-knowing. So it keeps turning in circles and I get really exhausted sometimes.

@Preety_India I think that's no longer necessary, thanks for your concern though^_^


"Give me a wildness whose glance no civilisation can endure." (Henry David Thoreau)

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@flume

Really glad to hear it was useful. 😅 It’s a bit obnoxious the way I replied but it can be helpful imo to take communication to that bold one-thought-at-a-time level like that. 

There are mentions of uncertainty here, and paradox, (confusion) in the sense of a struggle with them. They seem to be regarded as foreign.  Make it your dance partner instead. I’d suggest reinterpreting paradox and uncertainty...re-approaching it freshly, in an appreciative, “what can I learn from it” manor. 

When both sides of a paradox are looked at for truth, the outcome is the transcendence of both sides, of the paradox. Think of the yin & yang symbol. Generally speaking, with any specific thought / perspective, we are seeing the truth in one side, the yin. Writing down the opposite thought / perspective, the yang, and casually asking “what is the truth in the yang perspective?’...the truth, the goodness, does arise in the mind, and release transpires in the body, and both feel wonderful. Like taking off a five pound vest, as if something unseen was holding us back just a bit. Then something new is noticed in that symbol which perhaps wasn’t before, and that is the circle, which the yin and yang appear to be transpiring, flowing, dancing together, within. 

This helps clear up confusion & judgement, in the joy that the “answer”, the goodness “derived” - realized - is you. Life “opens up” in a big & unique way. Vision, as in mental vantage point, expands. 

A mind transcendent of paradox flows, serving well in any of life’s endeavors, and even more so in relationships. Insights start to arise freely. More subtle and highly pleasurable ‘bodies’ become known ‘within the physical body’, in feeling, for having shed the vests. I am often finding situations where someone has a pretty solid idea of their desired trajectory in terms of life purpose, but feels “stuck”...and this resolving in realizing one or two key yins being held, “in opposition to” perceived yangs. Another way to say that, is what is realized is there never was the opposition, just a little somethin from our experiencing that led us to believe as such. 

If any of that is ‘out there’, unclear, please let me know. Thanks. 🙏🏻

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@flume No problem.


 "If you showed a caveman our technology, he would think it was magic. And if you showed a modern man magic, he would think it was technology." - Outlast (video game)

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You might need another exercise put in place that can help ground you, try this five times a day for 30 days.  I have been doing it for the past five days and have noticed a huge difference in self interested action and emotional regulation.  Just from 5 days.  It is basically a shortened energetic cord cutting technique.

This is the long version.

Here is the short one.

This person says it takes about 30 days doing it five times a day - more when you are going through an emotional upset - for it to take effect.  Meditation can be ungrounding for sure, especially because it brings up old garbage from the bottom of the unconscious ocean.  This can really help recenter.  GL! <3

Keep going, you got this girl, you're strong!!!

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