The HEALING ROAD

[Preety_India]

 

Jump baby jump 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

Skeeter Davis.. End of the world 

 

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love

I wake-up in the morning, and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said, "Good-bye"

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
(Why do these eyes of mine cry?)
Mmm, mmm, mmm
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said, "Good-bye"

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Your inability to accept your mistakes turns them into shadows.. 

 

Your shadows haunt you.... 

 

Your shadows turn into mistakes 

 

Your karma finds you..... 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2020 by Preety_India
Lmao, talking to myself, just shut up

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

 

Most posts in my Healing Road journal are about emotional healing from both relationship abuse and childhood trauma that I suffered for many years. 

Currently I'm in the healing phase where I'm actively seeking freedom from my traumatic past. 

I'm not an expert but whatever strategies I've gathered are working for me. I could not afford therapy and now the coronavirus situation made it impossible to go to a therapist. So I decided to figure out my own ways of dealing with my emotional issues. 

 

Some posts in my journal are still in their finishing stages but they may be of some help to you.. 

 

I had a huge problem with shaming and its prevalent everywhere, even on this forum, it's inescapable as long as you live among people, so I decided to turn inward and not rely on people for affection and understanding. 

Also my past romantic relationships turned out to be a dud because most of them ended in me getting betrayed towards the end. 

 

This is an ongoing post. So you might want to refer to posts before and after it to connect all the dots. 

 

 

 

This is a post I made on April 16 and these mini exercises might seem absurd at first but they really helped me Kickstart my journey to emotional healing. Since doing these exercises, I've been feeling much better. 

 

 

This is the "questioning relevance" technique that I've been using past few days and this helps me with keeping my life together and having a proper focus on what I should be wanting and keeping the toxic stuff out. 

This is another technique that helps with self love and is very similar to what Leo uses in his latest videos. Helps with love and forgiveness. 

You might want to try it if you are dealing with thoughts of either self harm or harming others.. 

ho'oponopono  is the name 

 

I hope you're able to get over the past and I hope you recover soon and lead a good life and not let these bad experiences from your past defeat your journey. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

As I take myself back

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I know that you will continue to do more damage to me. But I'll see what happens. 

But don't pull that shit on me again. Don't play with my emotions. 

Don't get sneaky. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

There will always be some kind of a subculture wherever you go. It's just how it is. But remember not to get too impacted by it. You be you. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm healing from the wounds of constantly being treated like a ragdoll and thrown around. It's so toxic. Wish I could do undo a lot of things that happened both in my childhood and in my relationships and never had to suffer this way. 

 

 

Sometimes I don't know, I come across these people on gossip sites and they seem weird, like cultists sort of, they have their own little groups and they shut everyone out of it and you never understand what they are talking about and they talk in metaphors and code language and it looks like they are all cool with each other until some drama breaks up between them and everything becomes open secret. There's always like a ringleader who is adored by everyone and everyone acts a bit weird and sometimes you get the feeling that this group of people will attack you if you even slightly triggered one person in the group. They seem to be living in their own world closed off from the rest of the world. 

The tell-tale signs are usually the weird behavior and weird fetishes and lot of pretentious behavior in most of the people in the group 

These groups are ubiquitous and I find them on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, chat rooms, forums, Instagram and mostly online 

I will give a few examples of such groups. 

 

 

 

 

Notice that similar people attract each other. 

And these people usually like chat a lot. They always have a chat room. Like a VIP members area always. 

Notice how they always go overboard in their appearance and identity. Almost like narcissism disguised as style. 

Jeffree star has been one of my favorite makeup brands but can't help notice the cultist edge to his products, opinions, members and the same Insecurity, the same aloofness and arrogance. 

 

They also seem to have unusual names or names they invented to have an identity. 

Such groups are also found on 4chan, reddit, discord and periscope, twitch 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of the people are just gamers, but some of the people almost make the website their identity and life.. They turn into those online characters and personalities they want to be in their respective groups 

Usually you come across a lot of code language and cryptic messages that only the board users members and fans (more like stans) will understand. If you are an outsider you will feel confused and clueless, even left out. 

 

 

 

 

enever I was a part of these groups, it was very difficult to communicate because everything followed a hierarchical system of obedience. You have a specific position in the hierarchy. And people are always vying for attention. The leader makes all the decisions. And people are dropped from the group for no apparent reason, just because the leader or sub-leaders didn't like the person, when you get outed, you feel really bad, like abandoned or bullied or ostracized, victimized. Over time you learn how to deal with the bullshit and you don't let it affect you, but for a newbie, being removed from the group can lead to short term trauma or anxiety. This is usually bad for teens who are dealing with PTSD and anxiety or social isolation issues. Bullies are rampant and widespread in such groups and so are victims. You could also have members asking you for donations and such. Girls are encouraged to give pics, you know those pics. I have been to such groups as a teen and they use to give me a lot of anxiety. They can make you feel accepted and at home but only if you abide by their group principles and if you don't, you're bullied and singled out. I just never knew how to label or spot such people because I don't want to be in their traps. Right now I oy prefer to call them the "chathood people."

In its lowest form, it's just low grade C Manson. 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

The other thing that I wanted to discuss is self honesty. 

Pure raw and uncut self honesty leads to greater self awareness. 

Being sneaky about the self is like bypassing the most important milestone on a spiritual journey.. 

A lot of spiritual masters want to be ahead of the game and master different techniques but when it comes to pure raw self honesty, they get lame and back off. 

This is a huge hurdle in spiritual growth and I see it as a thing that evades most spiritual scholars and practitioners and practically handicaps them in the direction of spiritual growth 

So you kind of get the feeling that they are really great and well rounded and brilliant in their spiritual work but lack at the most basic feature of spiritual Mastery. 

I see a lot of journal writers on here being exceptionally self honest and raw about it. 

That's a good beginning something that I need to cultivate as well. 

I'm honest but not fully. My self awareness is still lacking. 

When you are fully and substantially honest with yourself and in your writing, ( which is a skill on its own), it really Kickstarts your self awareness and takes it many notches higher.. 

(sorry for my bad English, duh!!) 

This self awareness is crucial in fixing the self and an important component of emotional and spiritual growth.. 

Like I said, a lot of people just bypass it. 

Just mastering techniques is not spirituality. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My ex boyfriend used to always call me a bit odd and weird. 

Well, honestly, I can attest to that. I'm weird for sure. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

A quality that I hugely lack is self introspection. 

So along with self honesty (raw and uncut), self introspection also contributes hugely to spiritual growth. 

The following are key points. 

• Self honesty 
• Self awareness 
• Self introspection (shadow work and self enquiry) 
• Self love 
• Self growth

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

This is almost like a cascade model for spirituality 

 

 

 

 

• Self honesty 
• Self awareness 
• Self introspection (shadow work and self enquiry) 
• Self love 
• Self growth

 

[Preety_India]

 

It's raining here. 

I'm feeling so upset right now watching the rains. I wish I never had that relationship. 

I wish I never trusted someone so much. 

I feel like a complete fool. 

I feel such enormous betrayal. 

 

I wish I never met that person. 

I feel so used. 

I broke up with him but the scars are really like deep wounds. 

He used me. I allowed it because of my low self esteem. 

Now it comes back to haunt me every day. 

How could I be this stupid 

 

How could I be this vulnerable... There are tears in my eyes just thinking how I let myself get hunted and manipulated by this fucking evil man. 

I feel so depressed. 

I just wish so bad I never had that relationship. 

It hurts so much.

You are evil. You can keep denying that. But what you did to me was evil. 

Goodbye

Edited April 29, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

You will never be a part of me and I'll never be a part of you. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

When you feel like you are losing your self

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A radial gaussian blur beautifully captures the moment when you feel like you are losing your sense of self.. 

When you feel like that, life can take you anywhere. 

Try not to get lost into the darkness of life. Be a winner. Be a survivor. 

Nothing stops you.. Build your bridge and build your home with your own hands. Celebrate your strength. 

So when things fall apart you still have you. 

Life is never promised 

 You might feel bad now. But there is always light at the end of every tunnel. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I can hardly wait to be myself. 

 

He was always trying to commodify me but I learned how to control the narrative. 

 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I've finally discovered my alter-ego after a lot of soul searching. 

I have decided to name her Mujer Guardiana. 

And this is how she looks. 

I have selected 3 avatars for her. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here she is ready with her sword to take on the battles of everyday. 

 

 

I'm mostly going to use the first avatar for her. 

She is my guardian angel. My alter ego that calms me when I need her. 

Of course these are all imaginary things but I like having a virtual reality self image that mimics me but also has other attributes that I would pick and select. 

I'm not that masculine so I would want Mujer Guardiana to be more fierce and masculine than me. She is a protector. 

 

[Preety_India]

I can finally be at peace with myself again after the storm. 

My alter ego Mujer Guardiana is happy seeing me happy. 

 

 

She is probably saying to me.. 

 

Good job girl, good job. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

On 5/5/2020 at 3:20 PM, Preety_India said:

 

My imagination has no bounds. I am creative with my mind. It sometimes helps because it's an escape from reality. 

I'm still trying to improve my writing skills.. 

The last week I was toying with the idea of elves. I had looked up some channels on YouTube and read a bit about them and all I know now, that I wish I was an elf.. 

I would want things to be a certain way in my world of virtual reality. 

I want to be dressed a particular way when I am an elf.. 

I have come up with some ideas for my dress while searching around for it.

Shopping for dress ideas. Lol

So here are a quick exhibits, how I would want to be dressed in my Elf incarnation/avatar.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I'm being a war nymph, trying to defend my territory from enemies I want to be dressed like this. 

 

 

When I'm walking deep into the woods and all the greenery and heavy bushes and trees, I just want to keep it simple with twigs and leaves all over my dress. 

 

 

When it's forest fires and blazing hot I want to wear something that offers protection from burns and injuries more like an Armour. 

 

 

 

When I'm in the mountains calling out all the goats and sheep, I want to carry a beautiful Indian flute with me, it's magical to play a flute in the mountains and also I want to wear those boots. 

 

 

 

When I'm in my forest enclosure, I would prefer some fancy pink. I would want to entertain my friends with some hip shaking and Indian jewelry. 

 

 

 

When I'm walking around lakes and ponds and streams and rivers, I want to feel like an aqua queen in this dress. 

 

 

 

 

This will be my winter dress. Nice and comfy. Warm. 

 

 

This one is beautiful. When I'm having a casual evening walk through the woods using my magical athame on collective beings and sprinkling my magic on them, I would dress up this way. 

 

 

 

8 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

I've finally discovered my alter-ego after a lot of soul searching. 

I have decided to name her Mujer Guardiana. 

And this is how she looks. 

I have selected 3 avatars for her. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here she is ready with her sword to take on the battles of everyday. 

 

 

I'm mostly going to use the first avatar for her. 

She is my guardian angel. My alter ego that calms me when I need her. 

Of course these are all imaginary things but I like having a virtual reality self image that mimics me but also has other attributes that I would pick and select. 

I'm not that masculine so I would want Mujer Guardiana to be more fierce and masculine than me. She is a protector. 

 

 

On 5/3/2020 at 5:00 AM, Preety_India said:

In another journal I wrote about koyosta. 

I define it as a way of living in which you take full responsibility for yourself. 

You fight for things. You develop your own survival and protection skills instead of blaming and lamenting your situations and conditions. 

Instead of seeing something as a source of depression and frustration and fear and stress see it as a source of fight to gain survival and breakthrough. 

Every minor or major obstacle or depressing or stressing thing can be considered as breakthrough. You just have to either jump through it and tolerate without getting impacted or bypass it 

I'll call this the koyosta method. 

 

It also means positivity and empowerment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 5/6/2020 at 2:11 AM, Preety_India said:

 

Visualization should also be a part of koyosta. 

 

 

The Koyosta character set. 

The Koyosta forest 

Elves and nymphs

Guardian Angel

Queen

Battleships 

Fortress 

Ponds and Rivers 

Festival Halls or Banquet Halls

Witchy Manor

Keyosha village 

Uranus is a pirate Empire that the battleships constantly have to deal with. 

 

 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Finally doing better...... Gahh 

 

I started this journal on March 27

Now after a month long struggle I'm beginning to get better. 

 

Whooooooooooooooooooooooosh... 

 

Feels like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.