deso

Help me please

12 posts in this topic

Hey,

 

sorry for the long text and thank you in advance of reading. If you don‘t want to read all the way through, just skip to the end. Thank you.

I don‘t know how to cope anymore. My life became a burden. I‘m in a mess that I never thought would be possible and I don’t understand myself anymore.

Since I was a child I questioned everything. I always had the feeling of people lying to their faces, I felt like they were just playing a role. I felt like ‚this is not it‘. This led to an overuse of my thinking mind. I became really rational and tried to understand how things truly are.

While still living quite happily, I always had a bad taste in my mouth. Then when I was 13 people began to bully me in school, at the bus stop, and literally wherever else I went. People told me straight to my face that I’m ugly. On several occasions people pointed fingers at me and laughed. I once entered a waiting room at the doctor and three girls looked at me and began to laugh. I avoided looking at people because I couldn’t take this anymore. I never had the biggest confidence in myself, but this completely erased it. I have built a shell around me, I couldn‘t take being hurt over and over again. The only thing that kept me going was that I was still quite popular in my class. The bullying certainly continued until I was 16, but in the following years I still had massiv anxiety in public places and felt like everybody that looked at me did so because I was ugly. My social life began to cripple more and more. And more so when I developed an over compulsive disorder. My life literally became hell. I always had to touch stuff, look at stuff or do things in a certain numerical order to get myself to a point of safety. I somehow was able to finish high school, but I wasn‘t able to be me again. After high school then I had a great downfall. I got massively depressed, because I wasn‘t able to have the fun time everybody else around me had. Everybody actually loved me in the beginning, but since I wasn‘t that fun to be around anymore people went somewhere else. After high school I wanted to take my time to get my life together. Several months I read a lot about the human psych and spirituality. It did a lot for me, but eventually I couldn‘t do it all alone. I wasn’t able to make decisions anymore and couldn’t leave the house at times because I had severe anxiety of something bad happening. I couldn’t leave the house unless I got some kind of safety through compulsively following those numeric patterns. Eventually my mother delivered me to a psychosomatic clinic. I felt save and happy for the first time in months. Then I met my therapist and he instantly killed any kind of safety in me again by thinking the cause of my problems is my sexual orientation. He believed I was gay and didn’t let go of it. I told him that this was not the problem. I feared a lot of things, yes. I feared being ill, and I fought against it. I feared dying, and I fought against it. I feared becoming like someone else, and I fought it. I feared becoming gay, and I fought against it. I always fought against my thoughts, because I had a great deal of anxiety of loosing what was true to me. But he didn‘t let go of it, while me being already not confident in who I was. This made my compulsion even more severe. (Fun fact, he was five years older than me and gay himself). I didn’t realise back then how traumatic this was for me, but ever since then I was really defensive of going to a clinic again. My mother told me that I wasn‘t healed yet and to go to a clinic again, but I told her I was fine and would get my shit together alone. I started to pursue the search for enlightenment again. And while I realised how to “get there”, I wasn’t ready. I had a great amount of fear when I saw what it would cost me, I feared of completely loosing myself. I tried to get my other shit together at first. Time flew by and while being the second year at home not getting anything done my will for liberation became bigger and bigger. I felt like I had to become enlightened by the age of 21. I wanted to be “better” than anyone else enlightened at a very young age. I knew the way, but was too arrogant and lost in my ways. At some point I felt like becoming enlightened was everything that I wanted, nothing else would make me happy. But this was just due to the fact that I didn’t get anything else done in my life at this point. I felt like nothing motivated me. My life was a mess. I had no discipline to do nothing. More time flew by and I wanted liberation even more. I just ran on the same spot all the time. I didn‘t transform my old patterns. I just felt like I was loosing time, because I pressured myself to get to some utopistic goal that I had no need to accomplish anyway. I didn‘t care for nothing else anymore. And then I fucked up my body. I had phimosis and thought that I needed surgery on this. The doctor didn‘t tell me that there were other chances of dealing with this issue and I was just so exhausted and had no interest in reading about the other possibilities. Eventually I agreed to getting circumcised. He left too little skin, the healing process left bad scarring, and my penis is now just fucked up by a procedure that wasn‘t even necessary.

I‘m 22 years old now. Nowadays I‘m actually pretty handsome, and girls literally fall to my knees. I’m intelligent, charismatic, good looking, romantic, and now I fucked everything up myself. Not only did I loose my youth due to severe bullying, depression, over compulsive disorder, and having no self confidence at all. I now fucked my adulthood with fucking up my dick. In the end I had everything and I just threw it away by being an undisciplined brick and not caring for myself the way I should have.

In my wishful thinking I really hoped to being somehow able to regenerate my body, but this simply isn‘t going to happen.

I can not accept what I have done to myself. There is no loving anymore. My life is over. I don‘t want to live anymore.

Edited by deso

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Reconize the thought stories, take a deep breath, connect back with the present. 

I felt the same way about my childhood for a long time, thought that I had wasted it. Know that the lower the place you are now the greater the peak you can slingshot back up to, life comes in waves, macro wave, micro waves, a lot of wobbly waves. 

Say if you were to kill yourself, who would you want to reincarnate as? What would you want to be doing? Where would you want to be?

I would also really suggest looking for a new therapist/ counsellor that you resoinate with. Good therapy needs this. 


The how is what you build, the why is in your heart. 

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Thank you for replying.

The badest thing is not that I wasted my youth. It’s my adult life that is destroyed now. I had everything now. I suffered a great amount of my life already. I just can’t deal with this. Not only I suffer, everybody around me also suffers big time because of my situation. I have a good therapist now, but I can‘t live like this anymore.

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@deso The core of everyone of us is a resonance that feels a bit like “you are an immeasurably worthy, deserving & loved creator”. Every single thought which is in contrast to this, or to the contrary of this inner being / inner truth, is what we commonly call ‘negative feelings’. It is because we are all unconditional at our core, at the very source of us, that such conditional thoughts about ourselves feel so ‘out of place’, to put it lightly. I’ve been there, and I’d love to talk with you from the place of having understood & transcended it, leaving a genuine desire to help you to do the same. I think you’d be pleasantly shocked at how a little inspection and understanding of what’s going on in terms of thought, feeling, and who you really are can change the entirety of life experience in a profound, virtually effortless, and very joyful, manor. It’s amazing, the difference perspective makes. If you want to consider a new one, happy to help.

Be careful with buying into any thinking that things won’t change btw. That ‘this is as good as it gets’. Sometimes we ‘size up’ the rest of our life, from a rough patch or place when we’re young, because we just can’t seem to process things clearly, but it is the nature of suffering which tells us that we can do precisely this. It is the nature of compassion that you are not alone, and we are all in this together. It’s a lot to carry one’s burdens for so long. Simply in energetic resonance, let alone in talking, everything can change in the most surprising and wonderful ways. Your post is entitled ‘please help me’. Let’s do that. There’s no ask, nothing expected ‘in return’. NASCAR drivers drive cars. This is my favorite thing to do. Love you, and I hope you feel “This Peace” asap.


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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You will feel you have wasted your life when you haven't realized the role each of these situations have placed in getting you where you are. Sure some people get there faster than you, some slower, but is there a deadline to self-realization? 

Your life wherever it is, is this because of every single moment you have lived right now. It's not wasted moments, just tasted moments. Once you understand this, you will no longer waste any more moments reliving this story in your head. It might look unkindly of me to say this, but I'm 33 now. And I felt I wasted my life until I was 30-31. I have spent a lot of time procrastinating and blaming people and blaming myself. But here's the truth: I had to waste (or spend) that time to know that that means nothing.

You cannot love yourself by hating the moments that made you you.  And unless you love yourself, you cannot value your time. You cannot hate yourself into doing something valuable with your time, because you wouldn't value anything you do, because you hate abhor yourself. So even if good things come your way now, you will not value them. 

Instead, try this: you already are self aware enough to be aware of your shadows. Befriend them. They aren't separate from you. The past you, is still you. Just wanting yourself for the good things you give yourself is not love. Love encompasses all. Think of yourself as someone you have decided to stick to with all your life. And start there. 

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Thank you for your support.

It‘s just that I made that decision, while already knowing that this will end badly. I didn‘t trust my gut feeling, and I knew if I didn‘t I will suffer severely.

This whole situation back then was already fucked up, and there were a lot of components playing part in this. I was lost in my mind and lost to self destructive behaviour.

I have seen all the things that would happen, if I didn’t trust myself, for months. And I still kept holding on my old patterns. I knew if I did this for long enough life will fuck me in the arse to get me back on track again. I knew I had to move, but I couldn’t. I ended in this self destructive behaviour, only because of those feelings that I knew I had to surpass by moving, by acting. But again, I didn’t.

It just bothers me that I threw away my sex life like that. No matter how much I love and forgive, it won’t bring back my sex life. I could be at peace with it, but still it is gone. In a field of total completeness it still would be preferable if things would work.

Edited by deso

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Hey Deso

From a woman perspective on sex I will tell you that the dick function is overrated, most of women don't even come via penetration and sex is so much more then that, so don't feel like you lost your sex life, I can tell you one thing, if you know how suck it , know how to touch a person and get your self creative it will all work out, with whoever you what to be, it can even become  more full filing,  I haven't try tantra yet but from what I know is a more energetic experience , I will also do some research about it, and at the end of the day people don't love you because of your sex organ, they love the person, the soul, the experience and the time and maybe is an opportunity to go to those places and feel complete, there's so much there. Comunication and honesty is key so always talk to your partner, talk about what is happening to you and find ways, a person that loves you and respects you it will understand and bought find a way to enjoy it, is more important the inside then the outside,  I was dating a guy and we didn't have  penetrative sex for 2 months we just flirt and foreplay and have lot of mental sex, oral sex and it was so much fun, that when we had penetrative sex I was really not that great at all and in a way that ruin all. I hope this can give you a better perspective on sex and if you have questions fell free to ask.

:)

Edited by belen
gramática

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Thank you for your kind words @belen

It‘s true what you say. But I just feel like there is a good amount of pleasure and options lost that I really enjoyed and played a part in my expression.

And it‘s not only that. The whole physique of my penis changed while it‘s flaccid aswell. It‘s just like there is not enough skin for it really to be able to relax. Instead of hanging down, it‘s always either standing in a weird way or filled with blood to get me half an erection. Which while walking gives me not the best experience and makes some trousers unwearable.

I just hate my life. I can‘t do nothing without my dick interfering in an uncomfortable way.

I also feel like my whole search for enlightenment was a haux. I had all the answers to help myself and I didn‘t. Every time I didn‘t free myself from my old patterns and not being honest with what I truly needed right now, my will for liberation became bigger. I was emotionally unstable and at some point was so lost in my mind that I didn‘t want to see anymore where work had to be done. I lied straight to myself and knew it the moment I did, but I continued like that, while also knowing that this way to act will form a new pattern and not more than a runaway from how things are. I knew it didn‘t make sense, because eventually I had to go through there anyway, but I continued like that.

I could write a book about self realization, but I don’t even know if enlightenment is what I truly wanted at this time. I escaped life through it, and now have seen too much.

I feel like my life would have taken a completely different direction if I followed my gut. Eventually maybe I would have come back to search for this, but not at this time in my life.

I lost almost three years by just not listening to myself. I lost time to explore, to make amends with what had happened in my youth, to live life and to be the loving and funny guy that I was a long time ago.

My dick is fucked up, even my eyes are f’d up to a degree because my protective mechanisms don‘t work anymore due to completely having lost trusting in my bodily functions. My body became a mess and my life is not aligned with what my heart cried for.

I feel like I now have to be someone that I don‘t even want to be. And if coming back to myself, there is a great amount of shit in my way that wasn‘t supposed to be there, that is only there because I resisted trusting what I already knew.

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Be kind to yourself what's done is done,  we can change the past, we can only accept it, am sure this is really hard for you, I try to put myself in you shoes and I also think about all the women who's clitoris was removed or had organ mutilation and live in terrible conditions with his own sexuality and his own environment they don't even have the possibility to ask for help,  is really hard core, also the negligence of medical procedures are not acceptable. And if you where pursuing something that didn't happened is also alright, I spend 8 years in a relationship and thought I was having this person for the rest of my live, but life happens and we had to separate, I also felt I lost 8 years of my life but at the same time, I was so grateful that I learned so much and probably if i stay there I wouldn't  grow up either, lotus flowers can only grow in the dept of the mud and darkness and then reach the light and blossom.

 I answer to your comment since you said I need help and unless you also are ready and open to recibe it , there's hope but it also has to come from you ...let it go forget about your dick, stop obsessing about it is pointless, life is so much more then an organ in our body. You know now, that is important to follow your inner voice and thats what's important, rediscover your own sexuality,  I can give you a thousand tips on how to enjoy sex with out your dicK but you have to try it right, so you can go in this new journey, try stuff learn and relearn, know yourself and see how it goes. 

Baby steps, chill no one is putting a gun in your head to have an erection or become God right, so calm, relax first breathe :)

Edited by belen

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Thank you @deso for sharing that with us, that took some courage. ??

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, my heart goes out to you. Your life must feel like hell right now. 

I really think @Nahm can help you with this. He's the real deal, he will know where you're at and how to help you out of it, like he's helped so many here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

Everything is as it should be. Nothing you have done is wrong. Nothing has been lost. You are mourning something that is no longer as it was. 

The time now for you is spiritual healing.

I've read your whole story, you have nothing to reproach yourself for. It is "natural" you are wanting to blame yourself because you are in so much pain and torment. In despair, you are projecting all that agony onto yourself right now by criticizing yourself. I know where you're coming from. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and quite intuitive myself, and I literally kick myself, mad as hell, when I don't listen to my gut feeling and things go catastrophically bad. Man I give myself such a rough time. I also have so many regrets and the feeling I've wasted so much precious time in my life and should be way more ahead than I am. It's one of my biggest lessons I have to learn in life, overcoming these perfectionist tendancies. 

You did the best you could at the time. Many of us don't always trust our gut instinct, we're only human after all, yes we get fed up and tired and we often implicitly trust the men in white coats, the experts. None of that is our fault.  

Some doctors probably don't even bother discussing other options (like steroid creams, stretching techniques, etc) perhaps because they really believe that circumcision is the best one. Unfortunately as with any operation, they are not always without complications, even with the best surgeons. You are not alone, as you can see from the articles below.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-48057183

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-47292307

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/botched-circumcision-complications-statistics-stories

https://15square.org.uk/circumcised-men/

This guy researched "restorative kits" and reverse surgery, but alas to no avail.

 

We're all doing the best we can with what we've got (and from reading your story, you have always been doing your best). It's always easier in hindsight to say we could have done things better, and talk as though we're supposed to have all the answers. Ha only God knows everything. Why should we automatically expect that level of perfection for ourselves?

If I opened a thread on this site asking people what things they regretted in their lives, there would be a ton of things way worse than anything here you've ever done. I know people who seriously regret 30 years of their lives, your 3 years kinda fade in comparison. Man, you've got your whole life ahead of you, it could be such an awesome life, you're only a spring chicken, you've hardly begun and you've already learned so many valuable things compared to your peers, loosen the grip a bit and learn to let go of all this huge pressure you're putting on yourself. Look at this brave dude above, he's in the same boat as you and he's just going to get on with things.

Imagine this problem happening to a son of yours that you love very much. You would not want him to give up, you would want him to go beyond it and grow from it. You would not say all this was his fault, you wouldn't abandon him the way you're whipping and torturing yourself right now. Stop beating yourself up. You deserve more tender love and care towards yourself. You wouldn't treat someone you love like that. Leo has some awesome videos here on how to really love yourself more, self-love is the essence of it all.

We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, that's how we get past the pain of them. For example, one lesson you can learn from this is say never again have surgery without perhaps doing some research first, looking on Internet to see what other viable options there might be. That lesson could save your life in the future, who knows? Maybe you were meant to learn that lesson now? I feel someone like you could never lose or waste much time in life anyway, because you're competitive and a bit of a control freak and way too damn hard on yourself already, you wouldn't let yourself get away with wasting much time. I keep reminding myself you're only 22, you're talking like some old dude who's wasted like 50 or 60 years!!

You CAN heal. You're lucky you seem to have some good intuitive skills, but you're also a perfectionist and very hard on yourself, you really need to let go of all that and learn to love yourself more and have more self-compassion and self-acceptance. This is the secret to having everything in your life work.

You have asked for help here, and I sincerely hope you get the help you need. Talk to Nahm, he's the best. ?

There is also some information, advice and guidance on this website that you might find useful:

https://15square.org.uk/

Has this been a year now you've been dealing with this @deso ?

 

Edited by Amandine

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence". Erich Fromm

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@Amandine 

Wow, thank you for all the time you were putting into research and your post. I‘m amazed ❤️ 

It have been 8 months now, roughly. And yes, I have talked to Nahm. He‘s great :)

 

On 23.2.2020 at 4:53 PM, belen said:

chill no one is putting a gun in your head to have an erection or become God right

you just made my day @belen 

 

I love you guys. ❤️

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