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PlayOnWords

My Biggest Fear

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This evening, I had a conversation with my dad. My relationship with both parents has been strenuous at the best of times. Anyway, we were texting and the conversation went something like this:

D: Hey how are you? Haven't heard from you since you picked up your stuff. What do you want for your birthday? It's not far away... 

Me: I'm okay you? All I want is love

D: All good here. Love is a two way street ;)

Me: xD indeed it is. Love you x

D: Love you too. So what you been up to? Any news to report? 

My dad does not say things like this. He is hard-nosed, straight-laced and a total drill sergeant. 

When I got that message I couldnt help but cry. I was so overwhelmed. I haven't been able to properly cry for a few years now, but tonight, after that message, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for 45 minutes straight. 

I realised during this that my biggest fear is being unloved/unlovable. It's fair to say I was not shown the love I needed as a small child, from either parent. I also realised that this is why I act the way I do, why I'm so negative, why I'm always desperate for validation and love from other people. There is a deep belief in my ego that says I am unlovable and not good enough. 

I am relieved to have this experience and subsequently, the insight. 

As always, I would like to hear your advice on what to do about this, how to heal etc. 

Thank you. 

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Congrats!


 "Unburdened and Becoming" - Bon Iver

                            ◭"89"

                  

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Cool, now you know what love feels like. Apply that onto yourself :P


I am myself, heaven and hell.

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@PlayOnWords Congrats! ? Have you experienced any body oriented healing modalities yet? Short of that, watch the trap of thinking there is resolution created by thinking. It’s a slippery slope that leads back to healing the body every time, wether by modalities or purification, as they are the same.


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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Thanks @Nahm. I can't say I have, but that crying session felt like a real breakthrough. As you know, in my recent trip, I was expecting a lot of stuff to come up but it was totally the opposite. A wonderful experience. Thanks for the advice regarding thinking, everyday I see a little bit more how it's basically impossible to escape rock bottom through just thinking. But it has its place, right? Like I can work on my inner dialogue, how I talk to myself and make that more positive but it's not enough on its own. Is that what you mean? 

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@Nahm is it just a case of waiting for my body to do this naturally? I'd like to induce these releases somehow but seems as though I'm not in control of when it will happen. 

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