AwakenedSoul444

I see myself as a badass - but I'm a wimp

17 posts in this topic

The book "diary of a wimpy kid" would fit me well, I don't know if I'm being a victim or putting myself down unnecessarily, but this is how I am in my life I think. 

In middle school I let myself get bullied easily, it overwhelmed me, I have extreme shyness and social anxiety and take antidepressants, I'm so depressed I literally almost do nothing during my entire day, just read my journal it's on here, I took karate, but quit when I got my white belt, every time I fought someone, I lost, every fucking time, girls always teased me because I was the beta male in the class

I always go around listening to trap nation and dubstep type of music which makes me feel like I'm the shit , but deep inside I know that I will bend like a blade of grass whenever someone who has actual self esteem comes near me and there's a "situation" 

I wanna become a damn alpha male, I'm thinking of taking up karate and finishing it so I become a damn black belt, it'll be helpful for my spirituality aswell.

I just wanna be a strong person but no matter what I try to do to fix my weakness I end up losing confrontations with people anyways.

This picture I just uploaded to my profile photo is how I want to be , some badass guy with tattoos who can fight and scares people, which is why I make my online character seem like that, I dress in black clothes in my daily life mostly which means discipline and endurance, but on the inside I'm the opposite.

Edited by AwakenedSoul444

 

Every dark night always has a bright end. 

- Author unknown

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Persist.

I have also been working through this. Depression, closed heart, no self love, no habits, adhd mind, toxic environment being raised in, immense fear of other people, their opinions, constant thoughts racing through my head, constant negative visualizations.... 

Each and everyone of these things we can work on.

Small and persistent efforts, leave no stone unturned. The wall will fall.

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You break my heart, every day you break my heart. Read my stuff, follow my journey, Reach out to me. I am the most different person from you that you can imagine. Do me one small favor today. ALL of you, smile big with warmth at a stranger today and say. "Have a nice day".

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@AwakenedSoul444 You can get all of that, and more. Do actual practices. Meditate, yoga, affirmations, diet, etc.

When you awaken, self actualize etc, you will be that which you only imagine for yourself now. You are on the right track man, this is the place to be to accomplish what you seek. It takes time, discipline, practices etc. It won't happen over night. But it will happen if you continue on the path.

Take some time to read my profile history. I was a lot like you prior to awakening. You can learn a lot of from my post history. I have a lot of posts too lol so there's lots to learn.

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That was a beautiful vulnerable share. Thank you. How old are you and how long have you been depressed? Do you listen to the dubstep music out in public with headphones? I do that while shopping to ease my anxiety and disconnect from having to interact with those... People 👾👽😆...  But is the music enhancing the experience, or just a comfort blanket?

If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with any autism or aspergers? 

Edited by seeking_brilliance

My Imagination is a Monastery and I am its Monk- John Keats

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I use to scrap and defend wimps from bullies. I am not a big guy but my father and grandfather taught me to defend myself. To speak and live my truth. I do that.

I found value in martial arts. More accurately, mma and bjj. My friend is wimpy. He's been strangled by girls a few times which is funny. He keeps going. I'm seeing growth in him. The girls are higher than him and more coordinated. He's developing confidence and improving.

my point is that, martial arts can instill confidence and discipline. check out a club. it's usually a trial period.

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@AwakenedSoul444 

13 hours ago, AwakenedSoul444 said:

This picture I just uploaded to my profile photo is how I want to be , some badass guy with tattoos who can fight and scares people, which is why I make my online character seem like that, I dress in black clothes in my daily life mostly which means discipline and endurance, but on the inside I'm the opposite.

A lot is wrong with what you wrote. What you have as an image of an alpha male is the cultural idea or meme you have been conditioned with. It's a grotesque image of what it means to be a man. In fact the character on your current profile is a very unhealthy and broken example of masculinity - Someone who is emotionally injured and raised in a very broken environment. So from the go you are giving away your masculine core to what people "think" is masculine. 

You need to start by distancing yourself from any and all ideas of what you think it is be a man - be honest with yourself - you don't fucking know. If you go on parroting your idea, you ain't fixing anything. This is a matter of consciousness. Realize that no matter how many tatts you put on yourself or how many people you try to scare, it changes shit. You won't even convince the people around you that you are a man. 

Wanting to be otherwise or different stems from deep unacceptance of who you currently are. You ain't gonna grow thinking you are somehow lesser in the first place. Trying to condition yourself or change anything with that perspective will break you. You ain't ready to go through the pain, if you're not doing it for your sake. 

To be masculine means to follow your purpose and vision, yet still have the wisdom to have humility. And you ain't gonna do if you want to be perceived as a man and ain't loving who you are. 

Edited by Ero

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Check Leo's share on Cornel West. His analysis on Trump is worthwhile to watch. It touches on what I replied with. 

 

 

Edited by Ero

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@AwakenedSoul444

37 minutes ago, Ero said:

@AwakenedSoul444 

A lot is wrong with what you wrote. What you have as an image of an alpha male is the cultural idea or meme you have been conditioned with. It's a grotesque image of what it means to be a man. In fact the character on your current profile is a very unhealthy and broken example of masculinity - Someone who is emotionally injured and raised in a very broken environment. So from the go you are giving away your masculine core to what people "think" is masculine. 

You need to start by distancing yourself from any and all ideas of what you think it is be a man - be honest with yourself - you don't fucking know. If you go on parroting your idea, you ain't fixing anything. This is a matter of consciousness. Realize that no matter how many tatts you put on yourself or how many people you try to scare, it changes shit. You won't even convince the people around you that you are a man. 

Wanting to be otherwise or different stems from deep unacceptance of who you currently are. You ain't gonna grow thinking you are somehow lesser in the first place. Trying to condition yourself or change anything with that perspective will break you. You ain't ready to go through the pain, if you're not doing it for your sake. 

To be masculine means to follow your purpose and vision without ever even giving a shit what the outcome will be or whether you are judged. And you ain't gonna do if you want to be perceived as a man and ain't loving who you are. 

@Ero @AwakenedSoul444

Aka: Self love

AwakenedSoul444, 

Do you want to feel confident? Free from suffering? valued? respected?

This is indeed a counter-intuitive move. People respect authenticity, vulnerability, skills, values, how they feel when they are around you.

The great news is: Authentic strength doesn't involve scaring others, conflicts, being better than, etc.

Just being. Self love. 

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The world is rough as hell, if you still really believe you're a badass in the face of it then you probably just haven't experienced enough or subjected yourself to shocking imagery from warzones/third world countries etc.  I think there is some famous quote about fear that goes something along the lines of "being courageous isn't being fearless, being courageous is being scared and pressing on nonetheless."

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14 hours ago, AwakenedSoul444 said:

I always go around listening to trap nation and dubstep type of music which makes me feel like I'm the shit , BUT.....

That “BUT....” is followed by thoughts about you, which are not true & don’t feel good. 

Listen to the feeling, and use the emotional scale...work the thought up the scale. 

You’re be able to see the falsity, after doing this. 

And, you’ll feel great. 

:)

Love you man. No need to be “the shit”. Just, you. You, are great, as you are. 

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You can change the externals as much as you want, even when you look like the rock, youd still be the same. It will never help with your growth.

To get the confidence, to not be bullied, to be strong. Here is the thing you must do: nothing.

There I said it! Its out!

Right now, whenever you get bullied you react. When someone confronts you, you react. When you are in a social situation, you react to it. Stop with that.

Instead focus on what you want to do. Dont waste your energy trying to get out of a situation or thinking about your status or whatever. If you do that, no one else has any power over you. You become invincible.

The power they hold over you right now is the power to make you react in a way that they want.

Stop.

What you will realize is a field of tension. You will have the urge to give in to this tension and react. Stop. Just be with the tension. The tension can not hurt you. Play with it. Eventually you will see how others react to the tension. While you are fully relaxed.

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On 2/9/2020 at 6:22 PM, AwakenedSoul444 said:

I wanna become a damn alpha male, I'm thinking of taking up karate and finishing it so I become a damn black belt, it'll be helpful for my spirituality aswell.

Yes! Take up karate again!

But not so you can "become a damn black belt" focus on the process not on the end of the road (or you will never get there). There is a great short book called Mastery by George Leonard that touches more on that.

Also you have to find out why you think it is so important to be a "tough" guy. Find the flaws in your thinking because they ARE there, and then focus on how to correct them. There are a TON of great books on this also (check out Leo's book list).

Being strong doesn't mean being able to hurt someone if they approach you. If you can end a potentially violent situation without being violent, witout thinking you must "prove you manhood" and without being at a complete loss of control of your emotions you have found REAL strength. Your problems aren't special or unusual, especially for a guy. The information IS out there to help you. But you will have to put forth the effort.

Meditate, read, excercise/martial arts, watch Leo's videos and apply them (watching them and not applying them is no more useful than just watching t.v.)

This is coming from someone who has been fighting and being violent almost their whole life. Shot, stabbed, jumped, prison, jail, boyschool, rehab, halfway house, house arrest, work release, probation and parole all by the age of 23. I understand your depression also. I am covered in scars from self-mutilation, the first time I really wanted to kill myself I was 8 years old, I have had multiple mental hospital stays. I am so thankful I was able to correct myself and leave that horrible way behind. YOU CAN COMPLETELY CHANGE TOO!!!  I have high hopes for you. My last piece of advice is to expect the road to be the hardest thing you have EVER done. But it wil be so worth it. I love ya man, take this advice and you won't regret it. 

The rest is up to you brother. Good luck.

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