Just a little bit of love

[SilentTears]

You know, last year I had a dark night of the soul that lasted about 5 or 6 months. I’m not to sure when it started and when it ended. 

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of growth through this year. I got stared with self actualization because a friend recommended one of Leo’s videos. Right, it was spiral dynamics and one other one. I don’t remember. 

I’m listening to songs right now that are triggering emotions in me that I haven’t experienced in quite a while. I get a glimpse of how I felt at the time I listened to these songs. That’s how I am able to recall memories of the past, through music. 

Different times of the year give me different emotions. I really noticed how when it was hot for a few months I had different experiences then when it was raining a lot. I can see this judgment of liking the cold more then the hot. 

Throughout this past year I felt things which I can not explain to you. I’m trying to cultivate more awareness, however there seems to be distractions. 

Feelings = memories 

Edited March 10, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

Hello my dear, let us share a journey together.

journal, 

mood: currently I just feel naturally neutral. 

Meditation: nada. 

Notes:

1) I woke up late again, was late to class. Everything worked out perfectly. I have this extreme self confidence and someone pointed out to me that the way I present myself is too perfect. An example would be the way I walk and talk to people. I sometimes, okay, most of the time embody this masculine state where I'm Here. This extreme self confidence and passion. It's something I would recommend people to experiment with. Their masculine and feminine natures. 

Anyway, they stated that ^^ and wanted to get to know me as no one is that perfect. Honestly, it felt good to hear that, but I often shut myself off from feeling like I'm better then others. If I ever notice that a comment by another will make me feel cocky then I'll start doing self inquiry. I can feel it physically. I want to shy away from using words as labels for my emotions, as they often don't fully represent my inner self. I have observed that the masculine fire in my chest gets fed when someone gives value to me. 

Mood: I feel at peace.

2) I notice how different I am from others(my age or anyone I meet In general) . I wanna write about my journey and what I have experienced thus far.

3) oh, earlier today I came upon the realization that my life purpose was to change the western culture/ values. It felt odd as I see everything as perfect. This moment. Their values. Everything is perfect. Yet there is this drive to set the west on fire. A good fire.  I wish to set ablaze that passion and love within us all. I wish for people to live within a society of love. Where people create out of love and passion. Don't you think that would be so beautiful? Where you could create and there would be no money. Money no longer has value. Peace, love, happiness. Helping people. (I contemplated for a good while, how a society that embodied love would look like) <--- that's what I wish to create. 

I'm confused, aren't these just my values and ideals. Wouldn't this be forcing my own understandings onto another. A perfect individual. They need not change. If they wish to realize love then I will always be here. Anyone, is welcome. 

Trying to integrate the non dual is a little tricky. I notice I automatically take a dualistic approach to life. I mean, I have my auto judgements and all that delivery. God, isn't that beautiful? 

4) oh, yesterday I guided my friend into self inquiry and I saw them realize something, their whole face went like "oh shit" then it quickly went back to normal. I saw how their mind quickly created a distraction. They stated labeling and were like "oh fuck, Demons are real" hahaha(cause where do our thought even come from?). They were joking, but they said today "you mind fucked me". I did it to them again today, but they seem to get so confused. They want to quickly logically rationalize their understandings and experiences, however thoughts cannot explain thoughts. "We" thoughts are trying to think our way to an understanding. Hahah the fools! (I just really wanted to say that. I mean no judgements). It was so beautiful when he saw it. He got a glimpse. 

Writing this journal put me into a more positive state of being. 

[SilentTears]

Life is odd. I try to grasp my understandings in a logical way, however my mind seems to be not able to express myself. 

I am currently experiencing what I believe to be my heart and now my head opening to energy as of late. For the past few days and really this past year, I have had experiences with my third eye and heart chakra opening. Now, these past few days have been a little intense in nature. I’m experiencing the love and experiencing more of my heart chakra then ever before. You can feel your way to things. You know that? You can feel your way to anything you desire. Sometimes I wonder if I’m feeling my way or just intuitively knowing before it comes that it is coming. 

I’m very full of emotions right now. I love experiencing emotions. 

Meditation: 14 min, followed my intuition on this. 

What is intuition? A deep sense of knowing, before something has manifested into your reality. 

I am experiencing very deep emotions about love and soul connections. What is this? I can feel it go so deep into my heart chakra and when I focused on it my whole head got tingly and warm. My head will often overheat when I get into curtain stages of consciousness. 

Take care, love seems to everything when I experience it. 

There is a lot of self identifying thoughts going on. I’m just automatically writing. Words. What are words? What are experiences? Who is experiencing this? Who is questioning? All things I like to contemplate about as it feelings good to do so. 

Edited March 13, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

Flow with the thoughts. 

Jounral: 

meditation : opps... fine, I'll do it if I feel like it 

notes: 

1) isn't this moment beautiful? Why is it that sometimes I almost cry from the beauty of this everlasting moment and other times I'm seeking a more positive state of being. 

Who is seeking? 

2) my sleep schedule just went out eh.. well, the window, and then grew some wings to fly to New York or India. Idk, however, I have been sleeping from 4-11 am lately and then taking a nap in the middle of the day like around 5 pm. 

Hahha who has a sleep schedule like this?!?!

(edit) mood: really enjoying this moment. Appreciation, Gratitude, love, happiness, joy, deep care, contentment and um a bit notagic now... (a song just came on  )... changed songs. Oh yes, the sheer beauty that blinds our souls! 

Edit after 17 min: something I haven't mentioned is that I don't go to a regular school. My school is basically come in at anytime and do the work and leave at anytime. It's very independent. This has helped enormously with growing myself as a whole. I'm grateful that I have had this opportunity in life to expand as I have. 

Edited March 13, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

I was looking at the forum and I’ve been seeing a lot of resistance towards Leo lately. I can see the delivery and  unconsciousness they are projecting towards people. They have become so distracted with what others are doing and they are fighting for what they believe is right. I’m not saying that’s “bad” it’s just a distraction. Why are they fighting for a thought they have no idea where it comes from? I understand that’s what they identify with and maybe that feels good. Hmmm.. 

I could see quite a few people getting triggered over Leo locking a few threads. They seem so stuck in their point of view. This is all from my relative point of view. I’m not judging, but trying to understand how people don’t realize this. 

There are many people that are advanced on this spiritual path on this forum from what I can see, however non seem to be telling others their delivery and explaining it to them. 

Hahaha maybe I’m just a weird one that enjoys when others expose my unconscious actions...

Mood: happy, joyful. 

 

[SilentTears]

I haven't journaled in a little while.

notes: 

1) I woke up today with so much love in my heart. I still feel the beauty of the now. I love life so much. I love how I'm able to wake up in so much love. I've figured out that if I just sit there for a few minutes I can tap into so much love. 

2) I'm noticing addictions to distractions. T.V, talking to people, video games. When I started actualized.org I let go of my addictions to T.V and video games. I would only ever watch anything if I went to someone's house because that's what most people do or visit my brother. Last week for the first time in a while, I started playing video games for fun. The first time was really joyful, but the fullfillment soon left me. Now I feel strong disires to play. 

Im seeing how when I drop one addiction that distracts me from the now another one pops up. When I went through my awakening I dropped all addictions for a few weeks. Man, I was the most aware I have ever been. I would often go from extreme bliss to extreme suffering. awareness doesn't = happiness.

meditation: 20 min

I have changed my meditation to do nothing and I've had great success. Really getting great results. 

 

Edited March 17, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

I am the beauty. Haha . 

What is absolute? Huh, maybe my undying love *wink* 

hahah I'm in a great mood. I was doing some visualization practices a while ago and then it dawned on me. Like every other day I once again am blown away by this love. 

Anyway, some things I wanna say:

1) you are unconditionally loved. 

2) I am noticing how I seek value, worthiness and how I care about how others judge me. Of course all on an unconscious level. Once I become aware I see I am worthy, valuable and I don't mind if others judge me. It's just shifting to a perspective that better suits my emotional needs 

[SilentTears]

This is the first time I’m frustrated in a while. 

Observing myself and seeing where it comes from. I’m upset because another did not do something the way I wanted it to be done. Of course it’s more nuanced then that. 

...

Something came up irl so it’s been 30 min. After understanding and contemplating for a few min I started to feel really great again. This is my base level of consciousness. I apologized because I did say some not so nice things in the moment and everything is great. Life’s great. That showed me how if I would have still played in the energy dynamics instead of taking a second to realize all this then I can see how people keep cycles going. 

...

about an hour later I now realize that my base level of happiness and contentment is very high. I didn’t realize I was this happy all the time. I’m really seeing how everything in my life works out. This was a great way to show me how much I have improved. 

[SilentTears]

Journal, 

meditation: 9 min in the morning. Had to go and family came in my room. 

Mood: joyful 

notes: 

1) had some negative emotions, but some awareness made me see the good and joyful side of things. 

2) this pandemic is really making people react from their deepest fears. We self actualizes most likely know how to solve this simple thing(I mean questioning where this fear comes from). I call it simple because it’s beginners work. Not to take away from the value of it all. It’s a process. I see value in doing this and that’s why I stay with this path 

[SilentTears]

Journal 

meditation: 20 min. Yesterday 20 + another session of 30 min

mood: Im really enjoy my time here. Grateful.

notes: 

1) go do the work  

[SilentTears]

Today has been a real awakener. 

Journal,

meditation: 20 min

mood: currently it’s peaceful and calm

notes: 

1) I’ve gotten quite a few ah-ha moments today. I’ve always known about my addiction to distractions, and I’ve had instances where I’ve realized it like now, however it’s still nice to have mindfulness. 

2) I was watching Leo’s video “one simple rule for acing life” I realized how I run away from emotionally challenging situations. An example of this is not want to sit down for meditation even though I know how wonderful the benefits are or seeking distraction through video games, books, talking, thinking/ contemplating.. etc

3) I’m listening to a song and truly enjoying it in this present moment. 

Today, I’ve had a shift in consciousness. I re-reached a state that used to be my baseline quite a while ago(like a year ago) . 

My whole life seems to change, the way I see the world, literally, from this increase in mindfulness. 

Im experiencing different emotions, sensations, and thoughts. My mind is much calmer. Awareness notices when a thought comes up. 

4) once I stop the cycle of addiction I am noticing how all these new and old addictions/distractions are appearing from no where. What am I being distracted from? This thought seems to send me into a state of “now” and my mind seems to quite itself while I stay present while trying to observe the answer. 

Addictions: thoughts, ideas(which are thoughts), cravings( porn, music, video games, YouTube,)... basically anything that distracts one from this present moment. By not indulging or at least staying mindful when I do these thing I am increasing my awareness by many folds. 

Hahaha omg yes, the emotionally challenging things make me so fulfilled. I’m so content and happy with just everything. This is from taking the self actualized path. Leo’s video really opened my eyes. I’m grateful for being guided to that video as well as to have Leo in my life to share such high conscious solutions. 

Take the emotionally challenging path and omg you won’t even know how much you will grow. You will see improvement like no other. I’m really just ranting here, however it feels really good to indulge in these thought stories. 

Do you understand how much you can grow? You can just grow infinitely. Truly. You can grow so much that you will be holy. 

Min gunna cry. I can’t believe it. Whose believing now? Haha . THE BEAUTIFUL REALITY WE LIVE IN!  Omg just see it how I see it. Please. You will shed so many tears. I love you. Who loves who? I just love the part of you who is believing that you are a you! 

I speak as if I know. I know nothing. There is no one to know anything. Seriously, do you know anything? Who knows it? 

I got so scared and fearful earlier. It’s funny. Truly, I was like “oh shit” my memories of my Awakening came back to be and I experienced it again. The fear of dying. My heart was beating and I was so alone. Hahaha it’s like the final boss. Except to pass the level you gotta die. 

So, what is awareness? 

[SilentTears]

MUSIC! Oh the godly music. Music just sends me into such a state. I’ve talked to others when I get all “hyper and loving” and they have thought I was “high”... I am feeling the love in my chest. 

How can you not love your life when you experience this? Impossible. 

...

I went on a love rampage(had to channel that energy to I started shadow boxing).

mood: I feel like a man. 

^^Lately I’ve been channeling this divine masculinity?. I understand why people fist fight or seek the thrill of fighting. Anyway, it feels really good to embody that energy. I tap into this masterpiece called divine masculine love. 

[SilentTears]

Intellectually I re-realized how everything is just an illusion of thought. This. Then. 

Journal,

meditation: 20 min. 

5-15 = love/joy

20 = calm mind

30 equals tranquility 

the more awareness I have going into the meditation the more I seem to benefit. 

 

 

[SilentTears]

Anything that can ever be said is the devil. <--- this itself is the devil! Even this! 

It was such a profound insight. Yet the one who wants to speak and even share is the devil! This is the devil. The ultimate devil. It even tricks itself. Since if knows it's the devil it thinks it's a better devil then the other devils. All in the realm of the mind.

 

no thought- pure being = angel 

once I came to that realization my mind just shut off and I started feeling bliss rise up from my back/stomach. 

I shared this so I wouldn't forget, but the only one who wants to know is the devil. Fak, this loop. 

Goodbye, 

love the devil. 

P.s I sware I'm not crazy! Don't judge me! 

 

[Gili Trawangan]

1 hour ago, SilentTears said:

Anything that can ever be said is the devil. <--- this itself is the devil! Even this! 

It was such a profound insight. Yet the one who wants to speak and even share is the devil! This is the devil. The ultimate devil. It even tricks itself. Since if knows it's the devil it thinks it's a better devil then the other devils. All in the realm of the mind.

 

no thought- pure being = angel 

once I came to that realization my mind just shut off and I started feeling bliss rise up from my back/stomach. 

I shared this so I wouldn't forget, but the only one who wants to know is the devil. Fak, this loop. 

Goodbye, 

love the devil. 

P.s I sware I'm not crazy! Don't judge me! 

 

Yeah, your signature there is crucial! You gotta love the devil as well, it makes this so much more fun, doesn't it? 

[SilentTears]

Journal,

meditation: 25 min

mood: confused and tired (1am)

thoughts:

1) 

There is this knowing when having an experience. It doesn't take thoughts, yet you comprehend to a degree. Then we try to label those knowings with words and fluff. All of this is just a distraction from the experience. Now. 

I have a question for you. I am seeing how everything is a distraction from this beauty, now, undying moment. Then when I notice this I can't bring myself to do anything. I want things, yet I realize it's all a distraction. I can just be pure love. 

How do you see this? 

An example of what I'm trying to say is, I in the past would be talking to my friends then I realize it's all a pointless distraction from "now" this beauty. This is a distraction. Anything and everything is a distraction. Only "now" is.

its like there are two sides of me. The devil and angel. Devil = trying to explain, speak, understand, label, prove... etc. 

I just want to be! 

[SilentTears]

I haven't journaled as I keep getting insights that make me realize that all this has no value. We create value. 

Another insight was that all this is a distraction from the now. All thoughts, actions... it's all a distraction. 

Where does all this come from? Who is acting? Who is understanding this? 

It's also all unconscious. So who says it's unconsisness? I have no idea... just another thought. 

I think I'm in the trap of thinking. Just be seems to be the solution.

oh god! The distractions. I'm addicted to thinking

save me! How do you know "this" even exists? Who is believing in it? 

Some insights cannot be spoken as then you go against everything you just understood. 

Im stuck in my head trying to understand it. Yet knowing this and not doing anything is another trap. Still speaking is just distracting myself from doing the work. Why do we distract ourselves so much? What am I distracting myself from? 

mood: I feel realllly good

 

 

[SilentTears]

Thoughts: 

1) I really see the connection between me and nighttime. Every night from 11pm-6am or 12am-7am around this time I connect very deeply to something or someone. 

I get an insane  amount of synchronies and my emotions feel so much more! 

An example of this would be me thinking a thought and the song I’m listening to will answer my question. Like holy. I’ll ask a question and I say “if I see 17 it’s a yes and 14 a no” or I’ll ask a question and I’ll see 17 or 14 and know their meaning intuitively. 

Im much more vulnerable too. I am open and experience much more emotions in my interactions with people and myself. I love life

2) I love someone very deeply. Romantic love is truly an experience. 

I love you all. I just hope that everyone is  feeling well. I want you all to feel well. I care deeply for all beings. I love you guys so much. Everyone. 

Edited March 29, 2020 by SilentTears
Grammar and love

[SilentTears]

Journal, 

mood: at peace

meditation: none

thoughts and feelings: 

1) I awoke from my nap with my brain vibrating. I felt so holy. I then did a practice of appreciation and people started coming into my room. I focused on this and literal reality started to morph. It chapped before my eyes. I have never seen reality so perfect and still, yet not still. 

I knew at that moment this was what I was seeking my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I've been so at peace my mind stops and "this" is so so... so unexplainable. However, this was just on a whole new level. I've gone deeper down the rabbit hole. 

Edit: I remember watching everything perfectly fall into place. Anything someone said was so alive. A song came on "The house of the rising sun" from my moms phone and I just saw absolute perfection and alinement. 

This is what the seekers seek in their journey to nothingness. (I just felt like writing these words. I have no belief or attatment however the word just flowed out of me. It felt so "right" to type them. So perfect. So wonderful.)

second edit: I realized why I had this knee jerk negative reaction to "this is what the seekers seek in their journey to nothingness" it felt like a pure arrogant statement even though I didn't have that intention. Dillusion, etc. I know nothing. I keep realizing that it goes deeeper and deeper.

Edited March 30, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

I Love her YouTube channel! 

I noticed that I don’t really share what I do on my daily life. I was watching a video of 434 about food. I’m really interested in being healthy now. Haha