Been going through a lot these last few months

[Swagala]

It was a little over a few months ago when I first took LSD. After and during every trip, it felt like I didn't know anything, I didn't know how things actually worked. I felt insane, like there was something wrong with me for not having a clue as to what's true or not true. During the times I was sober, I saw how the LSD may have rewired a few things in my mind. It was as if I couldn't see the relationship between a lot of things, how they were connected. The whole experience was confusing and fascinating at the same time.

One thing that also happened during and after tripping on LSD that's left me feeling unsettled was how gullible I've become to the thoughts and ideas that pop-up. While on LSD, my mind would think up all these fantastic ideas of what's actually going on and I would believe them. Some ideas were unsettling but I still believed in them, some were selfish and gave me pleasure just thinking about them and I also believed. After a month of taking LSD every week and ending it with a 6-tab dose, my supply got cut off. In my mind I was confident that I'd be fine. But after some weeks pass, I fell apart. I became obsessed with the idea that LSD was my only real way of becoming "enlightened" and that if I don't become awake, then what else is there? For months after the withdrawal, my whole personality was full of frustration and anger. I was angry that my supply was cut-off for what seemed like no reason. All the text that I would read would be read in an angry voice, even most of the thoughts in my head were full of frustration. Every insult that I heared felt like a huge attack or threat against me. Every day, I would think about how I didn't have LSD to keep me on the right track which then left me feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. Every single thought that popped up in my mind, I easily believed. And this was months after being off of acid. It felt so difficult to take a step back from the thoughts, it was a tug-of-war between buying into the thoughts or frustratingly trying to stop and suppress them. I just wanted to bang my head against a wall from all the commotion going on in my head.

It wasn't until yesterday that I began to truly heal. A sudden awareness let me see how I've been letting thoughts run my life. It was thought after thought 24/7 throughout most of my life. I saw that there was no thinker. Thoughts began to seem like chatter just to fill up space. That's all they were, chatter. They had no real importance, nothing was accomplished from any of the chatter. It was like I woke up after sleeping for so long only to find that nothing's been done, nothing's been accomplished. I also saw how thoughts worked as if they were only reactions to stimuli. I see a car, thoughts pop-up related to cars. I hear the thought in my head, here's another thought that relates to that thought. Oh, I've become aware of my thoughts? Here's some "spiritual" thoughts about thoughts.

I finally saw how much of an affect leaving this thought producing machine running 24/7 had on my life. As I went through my yesterday, I had way less anxiety compared to the days before. Thoughts of how I looked and how I should look were almost no where to be found. I had no thought of how I should have been acting as I went outside. I was less controlling of situations, I was less alert but more aware, I was less opinionated and less judgemental.

Looking back now, I feel like my supply getting suddenly cut off and all the pain after that was a blessing ? and a needed lesson.

I am filled with so much Appreciation.

[Tarzan]

Do you meditate? If you don't then taking it up a practice can help process these kinds of difficult and confusing times. Even as simple as a Do Nothing technique can work wonders (did for me)