Meeting myself (??)

[wesyasz]

Hello,

By the end of 2019 I have met a girl similar age to me and suddenly we have crushed on each other badly. I mean... I was going to India in a 10 days time from the day we met and we have been seeing each other every single of these 10 days and couldn't stop looking in each other eyes, talk and touch and basically disappeared for each other. We have had mad sex and there were times when I honestly couldn't tell where me was ending and where her was beginning.

We have also tripped together on small dose of mushrooms which accidently I appeared to be in possession of (long, strange story full of synchronicities too) and during the trip I have had a realization that I have seen her before and that was during my previous and only one before mushroom trip and she woke me up there (intense, including death, 5g of dry psilocybe hawaii). And after trip I have had such a strong feeling we have met before long time ago (previous life time, whatever?). 

Also what I have realized (or imagine to realize?) was that her purpose was to wake me up and the moment it happened she was winking to me and then she let me have impression that was her purpose to wake me up and she have even said she suppose to wear pirates eye patch... It was like she took me to different dimension or woke me up to one. And in that moment I truly believed that all that is is the game where we just play in entire universe who is going to trick and wake up the other... Strange. I also have felt like she's hypnotizing me by being repetitive.

I have also felt like I have seen devil in her, yet I do not know if that was her or her as a mirror of me.

There was many, many weird synchronicities going on between us when I was still home, like texting each other in the same time or talking topics that I have had in my head and suddenly she was bringing it up and she still does that. And many more I do not remember now.

Also she seems a bit dependant and clingy, bit it isn't so much of a big deal to me as I know how to remain my space (from what she says she has had difficult past being abused) and also has been diagnosed with bpd, yet I do not believe in labeling anyone but I am aware of what it is.

The reason I am writing about this is the fact that even though she seems like she need attention and is a little bit needy, then all of sudden she text me something which leaves me utterly mind fucked and makes me feel like she is playing with me all this time. Like she knows more, sees more and only play that little lost girl when she actually is something else.

 

For example she keeps sending me these spirals all the time, which she says she have been seeing a lot during her life. Yesterday I was sitting in cafe and I have realized there is a spiral shape on a napkin holder and for a few seconds I thought to send it to her. But it was too far to make a picture and later I forgot. And today before she left when we were chatting she have sent me a picture of napkin holder with spiral shape on it... And said bye! 

Other times I realized wind outside my window, thought about that and a few seconds later she have texted me... "I Can hear the wind...".

And many, many more like this. Anything I think of about two of us she brings up in next conversation. Also few days ago she suddenly started conversation about my trust towards her when I was thinking about all this and who the hell she is.

It mostly happen when she gives me these mindfucks when she smoke weed (she does a lot). Seems to be different when she doesn't.

 So my point is, any clue how should I get on with this? I am actually a bit afraid of her yet I feel drown to her as mad.

I do see some characteristics within her which I have or I actually did have and may be that that this is something trying to hold me in my previous schemes, some attachment or "old me" that is trying to hold me to not let go of it, ego trying to survive?

She also send me things like the word "Przenikam" which consist of our both online nicknames, her Nika inside mine Przem. And the meaning of the word is basically fading and overlapping in each other to become one. Sort of "absorbing" "overlapping" and "penetrating". Can't find exact other English word with similar meaning. The point of this is, is it just reality giving me a clue that we are one and it is just me, aspect of me maybe? Or what?

I heard life is giving you a signs and clues all the time yet we do not pay attention and/or are not conscious enough.

Or is it just my story I build up? 

I am really lost and confused with this.

Any insights? 

Sorry if this is a little chaotic but hope it make some sense.

Edited January 26, 2020 by wesyasz

[Meetjoeblack]

Pattern recognition is huge. Pay close attention. 

[wesyasz]

I'm not sure if I understand your comment, but I do pay attention, that's for sure. Thank you.