ethanb121

I have pure O and tried to kill myself yesterday

39 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, Joshi3 said:

@SgtPepper the otherside?? Do tell. I have had mushroom trips on almost 6gs and reality changed, felt, and looked ways I never thought possible. Like an empire of the sun music video. It's like the emotional range of EVERY emotion was risen. It felt like I had never lived life up until that point. I have this concept of the other side. That it is like if life became a music video. It felt like I was on all the molly in the world while at disneyland, while I can make ANY feeling possible. Like it felt TOO good 

I didn't mean it as ego death. I meant it more as when you break through the intrusive thoughts eventually they lose their grasp as you stop feeding it so much attention and you reach peace. Sit with awareness on your body, attention on the experience of consciousness, getting acquainted with your body via body scan.

Do alternate nostril breathing, which I find helps ground me a lot.

It's achieved with meditation.

but yeah can be achieved through mushrooms.

~6g is potent! The highest I've ever gone is 3.5g!

If you want to breakthrough, I would not pay so much attention to the content of what's going on sensually. It's not really about the visuals, emotions, or thoughts as great as they are. It about what is the space between everything. I am that I am. You have to reach pure awareness to breakthrough ego wise.

Edited by SgtPepper

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13 hours ago, Joshi3 said:

can you run down what it was like for you? @d0ornokey

@Joshi3 sure but it's not too complicated. When I do the do nothing technique, lots of fears come up but then I start becoming aware of them and they start to just release themselves. 

I usually sit down and do the meditation for 10-15 mins and can be very scary initially. I have to be willing to do the technique. All the what ifs come into consciousness and allowed to be witnessed 

It's actually sort of like the artists way technique if you know of that 

 

 

Edited by d0ornokey

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21 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@ethanb121  Sounds like you're in need of serious healing work.

I would look for an energetic / psychic healer in your town who you can talk to. Try out several of them to find one you resonate with and go as often as you can. They usually cost: $70 - $150 / session.

This is something you'll want another person to help you with. The worst thing for you is to be too isolated and not around high-consciousness people. You need someone who can help you shift your energy around and show you new perspectives on life.

I would not rely too much on traditional medical professionals. They rarely understand the root issues of things. Clearly there is mental trauma that you're struggling with. Some drug is not going to magically fix it.

I also recommend you get thorough bloodwork testing. Find out if there's anything missing. Also check for heavy metal toxicity via provoked urine testing. Heave metals in the brain can cause all sorts of problems like this. Get your health and nutrition in order. Do detox protocols. Liver detox, kidney detox, heavy metal detox, etc.

And overall I just recommend you do A LOT of research into your condition. Search the web, buy books on this exact issue, read, take notes, find people who have successfully cured  themselves and copy what they did. Research is crucial. You need to understand this condition in and out. And not just what traditional medicine says. Look into all sorts of alternative medicine approaches.

Sorry, not much advice I can offer besides this as I don't specialize in these kinds of issues.

I would also add:

1) Psychedelics might save your life

2) Start practicing self-love immediately. You need to open your heart, live more from your heart not your head, and forgive yourself and fully accept and love yourself exactly as you are. See a psychic healer who can show you how to get out of your head and reside in your heart. The heart doesn't contain all those thoughts. Find some guided meditations which shift you into your heart and use those religiously.

3) Neurofeedback brain training could also be very effective for such a condition. You can search for neurofeedback centers and specialists in your town. Every major town has them. A dozen of those sessions could cure you or at least reduce your suffering.

4) Hypnosis might also be very effective. Look for hypnotherapists in your town.

Id love to try more psychedelics because at the moment im desperate but Ive recently just went back on a heavy dose of anti depressants / ocd medication which blocks out psychedelics / can kill me as well as a few months ago I was having a suicidal thoughts on mushrooms although ... I did feel healed after with the problems I was dealing with it was scary.. If this keeps going on ... I suppose I will get off the pills again and try a large dose of 5 Meo and hope that my mind shifts somehow

Edited by ethanb121

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You are not alone, suffering from one thought from 2012 that i thought that i am cursed to never be happy and i will become very ugly and never be loved by a girl. Since then the thought become so big that is just part of me. I cant get rid of it, every situation which i am rejected is just reinforcing this thought. I  have suicidal thought very often i cry for myself. I am 26 year old 6`4 height and i am crying like a fucking bitch right now writing this the pain is so big i just cannot bear it. I AM WITH YOU!

Edited by Kiko

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19 hours ago, Joshi3 said:

@ethanb121 bro I would not recommend you doing dmt. Especially 5 Meo that’s so crazy strong shit. Dude it sounds like you need to have an ego death. All these problems are from ego. I would recommend around 200-300ug of acid. Acid for me at least always has a strong chance of ego death. What happens is you’ll still be you, it’s just you’re sense of you or perception of you will go away. And you’re left with just BEING Ethan. No inside to Ethan only outside. And trust me it feels amazing. You will still feel like you because you are you. But what feels like you will fade. And essentially if there is no self, there is no suffering as who is having these thoughts. No one, they’re just thoughts inside your mind. See everyone has this mental image of themselves in their mind. And when it dies and you’re left with what you’re actually are. ALL problems go away, as there is no one to have problems. And as a result you won’t just be happier. You will literally feel new emotions of everything you have never felt because that self image was blocking. Reality Will FEEL and LOOK EXPONENTIALLY better in almost every possible. It’s not all just good, it’s everything. It’s not like a feel good, it’s like a picture that had every color kind of feel good. To say you feel good is a joke because words can’t describe what you feel. 

I just dont care anymore if this keeps on going ... Im going to try it and a large dose at that I already feel like im going crazy and have nothing to loose ... I want something thats going to change the way I think or help somehow with these thoughts POCD and Harm OCD are the most fucked up things I have ever experience in my whole life ... I want something that is going to change how I think completely and im not scared to do it anymore since I feel like I have nothing to loose ... I feel as if my sanity is slipping from my hands

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@ethanb121

Usually when thoughts like yours come up they do with an emotional charge hidden under them, usually from an emotional trauma. So the more you feel there are emotions under, the more I think you'll benefit from these links. However, even though I can't imagine your situation, do not harm yourself. Do you want to fatally harm you, or do you want to end your suffering? There's a big difference. Check these out, it might help.

 


Been on the healing journey for 5 committed years: traumas, deep wounds, negative beliefs, emotional blockages, internal fragmentation, blocked chakras, tight muscles, deep tensions, dysfunctional relationship dynamics. --> Check out my posts for info on how to heal:

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82579-what-causes-anhedonia-how-can-it-be-cured/?page=2#comment-1167003

 

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@ethanb121 Start focusing on the basics. Meditation, even just 5 minutes a day. Diet. Walking Outside. Get out of the house. Write down thoughts, or write anything. 

You're going to want to work up to psychedelics. They are valuable, but if you are not ready then they can destabilize you. You are in the right place. Asking the right questions. No need to rush. It will get better.

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On 1/27/2020 at 5:31 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

@ethanb121 Start focusing on the basics. Meditation, even just 5 minutes a day. Diet. Walking Outside. Get out of the house. Write down thoughts, or write anything. 

You're going to want to work up to psychedelics. They are valuable, but if you are not ready then they can destabilize you. You are in the right place. Asking the right questions. No need to rush. It will get better.

I have been trying but I cant use psychedelics anymore because I went back on antidepressants but they havent been helping only the benzos have helped

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14 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

@ethanb121 Dude. You need to seek professional help. You need to visit a psychiatric hospital.

Just google on "psychiatric emergency" closest to you and then visit them.

Have you done that before?

yes i just dont care anymore

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20 minutes ago, ethanb121 said:

yes i just dont care anymore

"I just don't care anymore" is a thought. Thoughts pass. Observe your thoughts rather than let them lead you. 

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On 25/01/2020 at 7:35 PM, ethanb121 said:

When I accept them it makes me feel like a messed up person because im accepting the fact that I could be a rapist pedophile murderer even though I dont have any desire to do that and it makes my self esteem even lower I kinda tried that route and I stopped doing everything because how bad the thoughts were I try meditating but its really hard and it makes the thoughts more intense for the first little while which is really discomforting because I dont enjoy these thoughts ... Sometimes I wish to myself I did so I could live atleast some what normal not hating myself all the time and thinking im a monster for having these thoughts cuz I know they are wrong and dont wanna ever act on them ... The thoughts about pedophilia  bothers me the most though ... I havent been eating good and exercise is hard for me because I feel like my life is falling apart and am contemplating suicide

I have absolutely no issues with being a pedophile, rapist, murderer or even worse Donald Trump. It's all me anyway. Really, it's not a problem unless you make it into one 

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@ethanb121 I’ve had many bouts of ocd harm anxiety, including the examples you listed. My last episode was over two years ago. 

One thing I learned is that isolation caused further immersion into the ocd and anxiety, yet I was also reluctant to speak with others in fear they would see me as a monster or that they would tell me I’m just making it up. . . .  It was helpful to speak about it with someone that was nonjudgmental and understood what I was going through. Letting it out to another that is nonjudgemental and loving can help reduce the power of the unwelcomed thoughts. If you would like to chat via Skype, feel free to send me a PM. 

 

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@ethanb121 did you try white noise? it sounds weird at first but somehow i think it might be a little similar than a tinnitus and maybe white noise could help - but it’s only an attempt to make it less intense, i have zero expertise in this. i just notice that listening to white noise also relaxes me. of course this is probably if anything just a little reliever, but it‘s worth a try. if it works you could even listen to it on headphones. (and maybe try binaural beats)

Edited by remember

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Get help consultant docs & take meds if required

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Seriously, listen to your therapist and that person alone. Only let off steam on forums, but don't take advice to heart. Only a specialist can help out in your situation. The thoughts you describe seem haunting, your position is not to be judged. But you must stay strong despite of it, overcome it with professional help and medication you are provided. Mental health is a serious matter, for some meditation might work, but this isn't a general rule, and I'm talking from experience here. I could meditate all I want and try out all the tips others say worked for them, but it doesn't mean they'll work for my specific problem. I can live with my issue, however, I have for most of my life lived alone with it and kept it a secret until I figured out that it is a problem I can talk about and stop being so stubborn when it comes to telling others that I need them. Good luck in your journey, friend, I hope you somehow get over this.

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I have suffered from harm based Pure OCD in the past, and somewhat recently as well. It is fucking terrifying, but I have conquered it and learned how to deal with it.

The greatest advice I currently have to help move past it and take the burden off is realize;

You are not your thoughts. They simply arise within you and are not truthfully reflective of your intentions, feelings, and attitudes.

It is your brain misfiring, and projecting/obsessing over absurd possibilities and conclusions.

Detach yourself from any beliefs you may have that you are your brain, because that is not the case.

Edited by Roy

hrhrhtewgfegege

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Ive had pure OCD for like 2 years now. Luckily im finally getting over it. But that shit is hell, i cant think of anything worse. My last bout was these last couple months and im still getting over it. Basically i kept getting thoughts happiness didnt matter and feeling nothing was as good as happiness cause theyre both pointless, but of course happiness is not pointless. I started believing it though. I had a breakthrough though and im still trying to get back to a normal state.

Before this, i had the same thoughts like thinking thoughts about murder, rape, pedophilia , torture, thinking i was going to do these things or somehow find them moral when in fact i wasnt. I also had severe existential ruminations that slowly took time for me to process and get over and all that was left is what im still dealing with now with is emotions. Hopefully its the end to it all.

I know ill still have thoughts that give me anxiety through life but i think ive gotten through the worst and i can tell you itll get better. The fact the thoughts BOTHER you in the first place tells you you wont ever believe them or act on them. Itll be okay!

Edited by Mindfang413
typos

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