I have pure O and tried to kill myself yesterday

[ethanb121]

Please watch this video before you respond but recently after a event happened I devolved Pure OCD which I wasnt sure at the time what it was and was having suicidal thoughts everyday and tried to kill myself after 1 month of suffering with this ... The intrusive thoughts I have disgust me and I have no desire to act on them but having these thoughts day in and day out make me feel like a monster and killing myself  ... Ive been put on benzos to stop the thoughts from bothering me too much and getting rid of some of the suicidal thoughts because the benzos relax me ... I find I get angry that Im going through this and feel so so alone like a monster and it makes me want to kill myself because I ask god why me ... Ive watched about 70 percent of leos videos and they have helped me alot but this is truely hell on earth in my own mind . Nothing i have ever experienced in my life can relate to the amount of torment I am going through and if this keeps on going im going to keep trying to kill myself .... I feel so trapped  ... Basically pure o is when you have unwanted intrusive thoughts about pedophilia rape and murder that you cant shut off .... I feel like im going insane and im soo alone

[Average Investor]

Try to just accept that the thoughts could be yours. Don't resist all of the thoughts. The more you resist them, the more you are going to strengthen them and hurt yourself with them. You know that they are not a real reflection of what you would really do. 

Stop telling people that you have OCD. If you are talking to a therapist, then sure let it out if needed. But really try to keep it brief. The more you say this, then the more you mind will actually feed into it and give you more of the OCD symptoms. 

What do your habits look like? Any exercise, good eating, mediation, etc? 

[SgtPepper]

You are feeding these thoughts tremendous energy with fear, which is why they are not going away. Try accepting them with self-love and grace.

Then do some acts of kindness! go volunteer in a homeless shelter.

[ethanb121]

When I accept them it makes me feel like a messed up person because im accepting the fact that I could be a rapist pedophile murderer even though I dont have any desire to do that and it makes my self esteem even lower I kinda tried that route and I stopped doing everything because how bad the thoughts were I try meditating but its really hard and it makes the thoughts more intense for the first little while which is really discomforting because I dont enjoy these thoughts ... Sometimes I wish to myself I did so I could live atleast some what normal not hating myself all the time and thinking im a monster for having these thoughts cuz I know they are wrong and dont wanna ever act on them ... The thoughts about pedophilia  bothers me the most though ... I havent been eating good and exercise is hard for me because I feel like my life is falling apart and am contemplating suicide

[Eph75]

Careful with the advice you all give here, the usual half nonsense advice that gets scattered around on this forum don't feel like a good idea here - likewise - @ethanb121 careful with the advice you take in here. You should probably keep up with professional councelling, I assume that you are already getting that? 

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Eph75

[ethanb121]

19 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Careful with the advice you all give here, the usual half nonsense advice that gets scattered around on this forum don't feel like a good idea here - likewise - @ethanb121 careful with the advice you take in here. You should probably keep up with professional councelling, I assume that you are already getting that? 

 

32 minutes ago, ethanb121 said:

When I accept them it makes me feel like a messed up person because im accepting the fact that I could be a rapist pedophile murderer even though I dont have any desire to do that and it makes my self esteem even lower I kinda tried that route and I stopped doing everything because how bad the thoughts were I try meditating but its really hard and it makes the thoughts more intense for the first little while which is really discomforting because I dont enjoy these thoughts ... Sometimes I wish to myself I did so I could live atleast some what normal not hating myself all the time and thinking im a monster for having these thoughts cuz I know they are wrong and dont wanna ever act on them ... The thoughts about pedophilia  bothers me the most though ... I havent been eating good and exercise is hard for me because I feel like my life is falling apart and am contemplating suicide

Yes I am but its very expensive and i only get it once every couple weeks ... tbh i need it every couple days

[ethanb121]

51 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Careful with the advice you all give here, the usual half nonsense advice that gets scattered around on this forum don't feel like a good idea here - likewise - @ethanb121 careful with the advice you take in here. You should probably keep up with professional councelling, I assume that you are already getting that? 

 

30 minutes ago, ethanb121 said:

Yes I am but its very expensive and i only get it once every couple weeks ... tbh i need it every couple days

 

50 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Careful with the advice you all give here, the usual half nonsense advice that gets scattered around on this forum don't feel like a good idea here - likewise - @ethanb121 careful with the advice you take in here. You should probably keep up with professional councelling, I assume that you are already getting that? 

 

I just dont know how much longer I can live like this for ... Every day I wake up wanting to die

[Average Investor]

@ethanb121 It sounds ruff, but you will be okay. You know that those thoughts are just thoughts though. Not actions. It's not going to be something that is going to happen over night at all. But it really is a counter intuitive solution to the problem. You are going to have to work through various ways of healing. 

Try to do the mediation for 10 minutes a day. Even if it does not go well, just keep doing it. Know that in those 10 minutes you are working on freeing yourself of the pain that you are enduring. If you can try to go on a walk today for a little bit. Even if you want to do the 10 minutes that is fine. Maybe a bike ride? 

Of course if you are feeling suicidal at all I would recommend you to call a hotline, or to seek psychiatric help. 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Average Investor

[Eph75]

This stuff appeared out of the blue a month ago, or have you had it for a oong time and it has escalated during this last month?

Possibility to stretch towards more sessions even though it is expensive?

I don't have any advice for you other than things might look bad but this too shall pass. Do whatever you can to stay strong and stay true to what you evidently still know is right and what is wrong.

[Nahm]

@ethanb121 Been doing these skype calls for a couple years now. Never know what will arise. At this point, I have talked with murderers, molesters,  pedophiles, people ‘clinically’ lost in psychosis, as well as many people who were victims of those phenomena. I’ve also been doing what you might call long distance Reiki, or Shaktipat (you also might know of this by the “brand name“ “RASA”.)  The feedback has been that it is good, and it is helpful. Here for ya, if you’re interested. No magic wand, just love, willingness, and helpfulness. I wish you well and feel for you. Believe it or not, ‘this too shall pass’. I don’t charge btw. People donate if they are inclined. 

[Nivsch]

Everytime you have a tough thought - prepare yourself tea/chocolate drink/something simple to eat,  and drink it slowly, feel the taste, enjoy the taste, the warmth of it ☕?

Tell yourself "Everything I think is OK. The thoughts just come. Everyone have crazy toughts! It just that the OCD make them FEEL more emotionally intense".

And Treat yourself with love. 

And keep drink slowly. Walk slowly inside the house/outside and look outside on the trees, flowers, birds as you keep drinking (slowly!!)??

I struggle with OCD too for years and also pure O (almost only in my head) I know what I say.

Also: therapist, friends, family. Tell someone you trust what you have. Dont lock it all in your stomach.

Edited January 25, 2020 by Nivsch

[Pilgrimage of Self]

@ethanb121 Dude.... I had developed Pure O as well, I struggled with many kinds of ocd my whole life but basically few years ago I developed HOCD. Which was some of the worst kind of shit I have ever gone through...Struggled with it a lot and I FEEL YOU SO MUCH. It felt like I was trapped in my own personal hell and mental prison and I basically dealt with this shit for almost 2 years... It completely dominated my entire life and everyday was terrible. Never ever contemplated about suicide but I get why somebody might.

Anyway, today I can honestly say with incredible pride that I am free of that shit for basically 1.5 years or so. Never went to any kind of doctor or therapist and I worked it out on my own. Through awareness and meditation. Im telling you dude. START MEDITATING. Everyday. For 20mins at least. When this Pure O shit started I had already developed a religious meditation routine but after the HOCD happened the meditation I did helped me immensely.

Start meditating and watch Leo's video of "Awareness is Curative. How to Autocorrect unwanted behaviours" Over and over if you must. And also the How to Let Go video. 

That is exactly how I overcame this Pure O hell and my other OCD's as well. When, the intrusive thoughts hit you, JUST OBSERVE THEM. Don't judge yourself for having these thoughts. This is KEY. Just OBSERVE THEM and LET THEM GO. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. 

You are stuck in a vicious loop right now. The only way to get out of it is awareness and letting them go. You CANNOT get out of this by more rationalizations or justifications or trying to prove to yourself "that" or to prove to yourself "this". The PROVING NEVER ENDS. And its  a TRAP. This OCD shit is so fucking powerful that the intrusive thoughts you have even affect your body and make you actually feel "sensations" and "vibrations" in your body and even if there isnt ACTUALLY anything like that, you PERCEIVE that there is something like that going on.

This Pure O hell I went through made me appreciate actually how powerful thoughts are. That was one of the key golden nuggets I got from this experience.

This video really helped me a lot. Check this womans other videos as well.

I feel you bro, hopefully I helped you out.

Lemme know if I you need more advice

 

[ethanb121]

27 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

This stuff appeared out of the blue a month ago, or have you had it for a oong time and it has escalated during this last month?

Possibility to stretch towards more sessions even though it is expensive?

I don't have any advice for you other than things might look bad but this too shall pass. Do whatever you can to stay strong and stay true to what you evidently still know is right and what is wrong.

Yes I had something happen while I was drunk and high and every since then ive been traumatized and having  POCD and HARM OCD sub types of Pure OCD ... More so POCD which disturbs me way more than the harm

[Ananta]

I thought maybe "thought stopping" techniques would help, so looked on the internet and this is just one website of many. 

https://www.verywellmind.com/stop-technique-2671653

I don't know if it will help, but I also thought maybe antipsychotics would help. Just an idea, since your desperate. You would have to talk to a psychiatrist about it.

This too shall pass

 hang in there!❤

[Leo Gura]

@ethanb121  Sounds like you're in need of serious healing work.

I would look for an energetic / psychic healer in your town who you can talk to. Try out several of them to find one you resonate with and go as often as you can. They usually cost: $70 - $150 / session.

This is something you'll want another person to help you with. The worst thing for you is to be too isolated and not around high-consciousness people. You need someone who can help you shift your energy around and show you new perspectives on life.

I would not rely too much on traditional medical professionals. They rarely understand the root issues of things. Clearly there is mental trauma that you're struggling with. Some drug is not going to magically fix it.

I also recommend you get thorough bloodwork testing. Find out if there's anything missing. Also check for heavy metal toxicity via provoked urine testing. Heave metals in the brain can cause all sorts of problems like this. Get your health and nutrition in order. Do detox protocols. Liver detox, kidney detox, heavy metal detox, etc.

And overall I just recommend you do A LOT of research into your condition. Search the web, buy books on this exact issue, read, take notes, find people who have successfully cured  themselves and copy what they did. Research is crucial. You need to understand this condition in and out. And not just what traditional medicine says. Look into all sorts of alternative medicine approaches.

Sorry, not much advice I can offer besides this as I don't specialize in these kinds of issues.

I would also add:

1) Psychedelics might save your life

2) Start practicing self-love immediately. You need to open your heart, live more from your heart not your head, and forgive yourself and fully accept and love yourself exactly as you are. See a psychic healer who can show you how to get out of your head and reside in your heart. The heart doesn't contain all those thoughts. Find some guided meditations which shift you into your heart and use those religiously.

3) Neurofeedback brain training could also be very effective for such a condition. You can search for neurofeedback centers and specialists in your town. Every major town has them. A dozen of those sessions could cure you or at least reduce your suffering.

4) Hypnosis might also be very effective. Look for hypnotherapists in your town.

[Average Investor]

@Pilgrimage of Self Excellent share. That channel looks really high quality. I subscribed to it. Have you read her book by chance? 

One of the big turning points for me was with mediation and healthy habits. That and just accepting thoughts was really a big click for me, but I know how difficult that might sound for someone really struggling. I still have a slight issue with hand washing, but I have been working on being conscious while hand washing and it has heavily reduced it. Nearly all of my symptoms have significantly decreased and some have disappeared all together.  Although, I am not sure about Pure OCD or anything like that specifically. But I had issues with OCD as early as 3rd grade I had a teacher notice I had an obsession with washing my hands. 

I found good success with NLP so far too and that might be worth a shot for OP to work through trauma. 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Average Investor

[Neph]

@ethanb121 Bro I don't know when these thoughts are gonna go away...All I am saying is don't try to kill yourself... You're the winner not those thoughts

[SgtPepper]

9 hours ago, ethanb121 said:

When I accept them it makes me feel like a messed up person because im accepting the fact that I could be a rapist pedophile murderer even though I dont have any desire to do that and it makes my self esteem even lower I kinda tried that route and I stopped doing everything because how bad the thoughts were I try meditating but its really hard and it makes the thoughts more intense for the first little while which is really discomforting because I dont enjoy these thoughts ... Sometimes I wish to myself I did so I could live atleast some what normal not hating myself all the time and thinking im a monster for having these thoughts cuz I know they are wrong and dont wanna ever act on them ... The thoughts about pedophilia  bothers me the most though ... I havent been eating good and exercise is hard for me because I feel like my life is falling apart and am contemplating suicide

Careful how you speak! It is not a fact that you could be those things because you just said that you have never acted in such a manner nor do you want to.

There is difference between accepting the thoughts that come into you and identifying with them. It's really as simple as being with those thoughts and just not dramatizing or overreacting to it, just be with it and feel all the emotions that come up. Pure O wants you to freak out and react in fear.

The more you run away, the stronger of a hold it has. You need to sit with those thoughts in complete silence and wait till you break through to the other side.

 

[SgtPepper]

1 hour ago, Joshi3 said:

@SgtPepper the otherside?? Do tell. I have had mushroom trips on almost 6gs and reality changed, felt, and looked ways I never thought possible. Like an empire of the sun music video. It's like the emotional range of EVERY emotion was risen. It felt like I had never lived life up until that point. I have this concept of the other side. That it is like if life became a music video. It felt like I was on all the molly in the world while at disneyland, while I can make ANY feeling possible. Like it felt TOO good 

I didn't mean it as ego death. I meant it more as when you break through the intrusive thoughts eventually they lose their grasp as you stop feeding it so much attention and you reach peace. Sit with awareness on your body, attention on the experience of consciousness, getting acquainted with your body via body scan.

Do alternate nostril breathing, which I find helps ground me a lot.

It's achieved with meditation.

but yeah can be achieved through mushrooms.

~6g is potent! The highest I've ever gone is 3.5g!

If you want to breakthrough, I would not pay so much attention to the content of what's going on sensually. It's not really about the visuals, emotions, or thoughts as great as they are. It about what is the space between everything. I am that I am. You have to reach pure awareness to breakthrough ego wise.

Edited January 26, 2020 by SgtPepper

[ethanb121]

21 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@ethanb121  Sounds like you're in need of serious healing work.

I would look for an energetic / psychic healer in your town who you can talk to. Try out several of them to find one you resonate with and go as often as you can. They usually cost: $70 - $150 / session.

This is something you'll want another person to help you with. The worst thing for you is to be too isolated and not around high-consciousness people. You need someone who can help you shift your energy around and show you new perspectives on life.

I would not rely too much on traditional medical professionals. They rarely understand the root issues of things. Clearly there is mental trauma that you're struggling with. Some drug is not going to magically fix it.

I also recommend you get thorough bloodwork testing. Find out if there's anything missing. Also check for heavy metal toxicity via provoked urine testing. Heave metals in the brain can cause all sorts of problems like this. Get your health and nutrition in order. Do detox protocols. Liver detox, kidney detox, heavy metal detox, etc.

And overall I just recommend you do A LOT of research into your condition. Search the web, buy books on this exact issue, read, take notes, find people who have successfully cured  themselves and copy what they did. Research is crucial. You need to understand this condition in and out. And not just what traditional medicine says. Look into all sorts of alternative medicine approaches.

Sorry, not much advice I can offer besides this as I don't specialize in these kinds of issues.

I would also add:

1) Psychedelics might save your life

2) Start practicing self-love immediately. You need to open your heart, live more from your heart not your head, and forgive yourself and fully accept and love yourself exactly as you are. See a psychic healer who can show you how to get out of your head and reside in your heart. The heart doesn't contain all those thoughts. Find some guided meditations which shift you into your heart and use those religiously.

3) Neurofeedback brain training could also be very effective for such a condition. You can search for neurofeedback centers and specialists in your town. Every major town has them. A dozen of those sessions could cure you or at least reduce your suffering.

4) Hypnosis might also be very effective. Look for hypnotherapists in your town.

Id love to try more psychedelics because at the moment im desperate but Ive recently just went back on a heavy dose of anti depressants / ocd medication which blocks out psychedelics / can kill me as well as a few months ago I was having a suicidal thoughts on mushrooms although ... I did feel healed after with the problems I was dealing with it was scary.. If this keeps going on ... I suppose I will get off the pills again and try a large dose of 5 Meo and hope that my mind shifts somehow

Edited January 26, 2020 by ethanb121