Pilgrimage of Self

Life Long Demon / Confrontation Fear / Taken Over my ENTIRE LIFE! Help please...

9 posts in this topic

Hello,

I am  27 and writing to you from Turkey.  First of all, Im a huge fan Leo  and been watching and following you for a years. Thanks for all the great ideas,concepts,habits  and just overall value I have acquired from you. I admire you and respect you deeply. You are an exceptional human being and I can't thank you how much I am grateful I have you in my life.

The reason I am writing this message to you and on this forum is that I want some advice and help with an issue that is without a doubt THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE of my entire life. It has always been. It is my biggest demon,fear,worst nightmare or whatever you wanna call it. This may seem absolutely laughable or ridiculous to you but I assure you, it is incredibly real to me and I want NOTHING MORE in this life to DEAL WITH THIS once and for all. PLEASE NOTE: I have been meditating religiously for 30 mins for 2+ years now and have the awareness to know that I am NOT a VICTIM. I know I am %100 responsible for my life and this issue is pathetic in comparison to the stuff other people deal with but bottom line is, this is my demon and I want to slay it once and for all

My demon is my inability to stand up for myself and my crippling fear of physical and verbal confrontation. I am terribly afraid of getting into a physical confrontation. Not only that but I have no idea how to establish any kind of boundary and protect them. I just dont know what to say or do  if somebody wants to “test me” or tease me or bully me. You know that “line” that everybody has that you know to not ever cross, because if you do there will be consequences,even physical ones? Yeah that line was destroyed when I was little and it never got drawn again.

I have had this problem since as early as I can remember, but in highschool shit got really bad. I was picked on and bullied relentlessly every.single.day without fail for 2 years. Constantly got harassed and teased. One of my nicknames was “little dick esat”. Even though nobody ever even saw my dick, they called it to me and it stuck. They called me this in front of girls, in front of a lot of people. Everyday was torture. I basically spent every second of everyday wondering when were they gonna call me what.

The worst part is of course I knew that I should have stood up for myself. Fought them multiple times if needed. Do whatever it takes…But I didnt…. And I could never come up with the “right comeback” or thing to say when they teased me and so felt like an absolute idiot,worthless,coward, scum of the scum…and it broke me. My self loathing and self hatred was immense. Eventually I got numb to it and developed a pathetic defeatist,loser attitude towards life in general.

Fast forward to now and im a lawyer (aint that a cruel irony. A lawyer who cant even defend himself). Havent yet worked as a lawyer though or at any kind of job and my life is incredibly neurotic and disfunctional. I have been staying at home for the last 4 years. Buried in my comfort zone but I am uncomfortable as fuck, living the same day over and over. And have no friends, no dating life, no idea what I really want to do (dont want to be a lawyer for life) and I have this massive problem. And not only that but my problem spread over to each and every aspect of my life. I avoid people alltogether basically and have this fake nice guy persona which is completely one dimensional. I have trouble getting close to people because I have this fear that whenever I spend some amount of time with somebody, they are gonna "find out the real me" and that "I have no boundaries" and lose all respect for me and pick on me etc.... And it does... the same pattern keeps on repeating...Now whenever somebody says something that could be interpreted as "being picked on" even if that wasnt their intention.... this massive weight is dropped on me and I feel it in my stomach, this wave of panic/terror washes over me and I freeze up and then feel defeatist as hell. When it happens, all I want to do is just drop all the positive habits,awareness work everything,stop trying and give up. OF COURSE Im not gonna actually DO THAT. Fuck that. But I wanted to demonstrate what I feel in those situations.

I am sorry that the tone of this letter is really negative and really long, you are a really successful,busy person who doesnt need any more negativity in their life but I HAD TO BE REAL with you. I cannot pretend that this problem doesnt exist and ignore it anymore or numb myself with mindless entertainment. Running away from shit doesnt work. It never did and never will. All I know is that, I do not want to be average and I want to live an extraordinary life and be an extraordinary human being and not waste this one life that I was given. So, I dont care if you just say to me “stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fight somebody” just please tell me your opinion on how to fix this problem once and for all.

Thank you and thanks to anybody else who bothers to read/respond and help me.  I appreciate it a lot.

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Well I don't know the answer, I might not be centered on this theme as much as you as there are a variety of personal problems causing me great suffering right now, but spinelessness similar to what you've described is one of them.

Getting some experience in a martial arts gym can be an asset, you're going to be forced to just spar with people for training, and after hopefully a year, maybe a few... you'll realize that the average asshole in the street isn't really likely to be good at fighting so you might have a bit more confidence to speak your mind, stick up for yourself, etc. Preferably BJJ  as the sparring can get quite real as far as grappling goes, you really get to try your hardest until you are forced to submit... once you start submitting people your own size and realizing you've acquired some skills you might be more confident.

The problem might still be a lifelong thing that everyone has to deal with on some level, though. There still might be guys in the martial arts gym that are cocky and so far ahead of you that you'll *never* best them (unless they're 10+ years older than you and the only reason you eventually get them is because they become an old fat fart), and they might rub it in..  there's always going to be something in life that keeps you in line and makes you feel powerless, I guess. We all can't keep one-upping eachother because eventually one will be dead and another in prison. Even just fighting can be dangerous, even the training I'm suggesting has a high injury rate... I'm out for a month at least myself r/n and it's depressing.

I also struggle with the insult thing. I play counter-strike:global offensive a lot and the people can be quite rude and insulting.... and I feel like I always come out in the bottom whenever I try to argue with people and people always have my number. Sometimes I think it's a consciousness-level type thing, you will never beat anybody more conscious than you at being a smart-ass.  I can be insulted with the wittiest insult ever, and copy it down to maybe use against the next shitbag I come across, only for them to still come up with a comeback that leaves me taking too long to think of my own comeback, and I'm wrecked...

What can be even worse is Facebook if I'm in a group with an unpopular opinion... I can get in an argument with someone where if we were alone I'd feel "right", but because I'm going against a popular belief everyone will outlike the comments of the person arguing with me... that's the WORST, I can self-harm over that shit for sure... definitely some good blows to my own face have been had over that, heh heh!

Maybe if I keep writing down what I got insulted with and the chain of how the comebacks go I'll eventually know how just about every common bickering argument in the english language can eventually go down... That seems neurotic, doesn't it? but maybe it would actually slowly start making me more successful... but people that aren't so shitty probably have better things to do with their time, which is maybe why some suggest to just walk away from dumb arguments like that in the first place.


I'd reckon many here would preach acceptance. Best wishes to you... maybe I'll write more some other time. Sorry if I did about as much or more personal venting over actually offering you much advice..

Edited by CMacD
I dunno, I read over things and feel I should write more. I'm a mess.

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Hi

 

Who ever said that you should of stuck up for yourself and had a good come back, or fought back?  You, society?  Did you just feel like a loser because you thought you should of and because you didn't you then thought you were weak, scum, loser, the worst.  Honestly perhaps doing so would of made things worse, perhaps it could of lead your life in a whole different direction that you or I couldn't possibly predict, right?  I hope you can follow me with what I'm pointing to, you were young and had ideas of yourself.  People did shitty things to you and it effected you and your self worth.  Perhaps you can find it in yourself to forgive them and forgive yourself for the shit and shame you put on yourself.  I don't know of any way to change the past, but you can let it go and forgive that time, them, yourself and stop telling yourself now you have a boundary problem, that your weak now because thats who you were and must still be.

Does any of that make sense?

Edited by Mu_

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@Pilgrimage of Self

Take a few minutes, and though you might not believe any of it...make a little game out of writing that again, but just write every sentence from the opposite perspective. It can be helpful in uncovering that what is at play here is perspectives, beliefs, like you said, you are not a victim. Couldn’t agree more. Often, when I see beauty, I think of you. 


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People are like dogs. They can smell fear and lack of confidence and exploit it like pack animals. They tend to prey on the weak and unsure. 

Well, I wish there was some book or TV show I could recommend to help you deal with your fears (Buffy, the Vampire Slayer is actually a pretty good one in that respect. I used to love that show),  but in the end, confidence comes from a "fuck it!" attitude. If you genuinely don't care about the consequences of your actions, you can do anything. It is like a superpower. The beautiful thing is that it works in any situation in life and works with animals just as well as with humans. You can learn a lot from the Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan BTW, they even did a South Park episode on how his lessons on handling dogs can apply just as well to humans. 

My sister is a dog trainer and I help her out quite a lot, having to handle, big, dangerous dogs that could tear me to pieces in a matter of seconds. You have to learn to exude, confident, calm energy in every type of situation. This is a skill, that you can practice and learn. Even animals in the wild won't attack you, if you stay calm and focused. They always go after the ones that are scared and start running from them. In fact, if you can get yourself a dog, it is probably a good way to start learning about how to handle yourself in interpersonal relationships. They can also become like an extension of your own self, helping you out in tough situations. You would be amazed at how much they can tune into your own emotional and mental state. 

What you also learn from pack animals, like dogs, is that confrontation is mostly a mind game. 90 percent of the time, it is just pretend aggression, to see who blinks first. You have to gradually train yourself to not care. This takes time and patience. Although I live in a very safe country, where violence is extremely rare, I approach every potentially dangerous situation with a devil-may-care attitude. I genuinely don't care if I die or not and I have no fear of killing. If the situation warranted it, I would snap any motherfucker's neck without a shadow of doubt, pity or remorse. 

Now, chances are that it would never come to it, because the other party would back down well before the confrontation came to this, but the point is that people (and animals) can feel that lack of fear in you. If you don't care about the consequences of your actions, chances are, you won't have to suffer them. On the other hand, if you are paralysed by fear of what those consequences might be, there is a good chance that they will happen to you anyway, because of your lack of action and courage. I'm not saying that you should be foolhardy, but try and practice going into situations with a "fuck it, I'm doing it anyway, consequences be damned!" attitude. The thing is, once you start doing it, others will start treating you completely differently and your problems will pretty much melt away.

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17 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Perhaps you can find it in yourself to forgive them and forgive yourself for the shit and shame you put on yourself.  I don't know of any way to change the past, but you can let it go and forgive that time, them, yourself and stop telling yourself now you have a boundary problem, that your weak now because thats who you were and must still be.

Does any of that make sense?

Yes, it does actually. I think is what Leo meant when he said "We actively create our problems in our head. Reality is perfect. A problem must be created and sustained. It takes calories to do that" Of course this doesnt mean Im gonna magically learn how to behave in high pressure confrontational situations but I can at least,  let go of the negative story I am constantly telling myself and let go of the negative self talk and limiting beliefs and take action from there. (easier said than done)

Thanks for your helpful insight.

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@Dumuzzi %100 agree that people and animals can sense fear. How can you not? When I go into that panic/terror mode, I can only assume how terrified I must look from the outside. Its so obvious. The rigid tense body and shoulders, defensive-small body language, frozen stance,lack of voice control, shrinking, look in my eyes... fuck man. 

I get what you mean about that "fuck it attitude". Its really valuable. I use it to approach women on the street/metro/subway etc. Obviously I need to develop it much much much more. Gotta be in confrontational situations more often and just "put the sword in the fire..over and over again" as David Goggins would say and learn from them analyzing them. 

Never thought about what I could learn from dogs and animals in general. Interesting point of view thanks.

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17 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

Often, when I see beauty, I think of you. 

Dont understand what this means. Do you mean self-deception by beauty? And that I am "saying" that I am not a victim but the post that I wrote "indicates" that I am a victim? Which is entirely possible because I know that there are wayyyy wayyy more victimhood and victim thinking in me than I realize but on the other hand I have the awareness to awareness to also acknowledge when I am blaming somebody or something and to stop myself and search for the answer within me. (not all the time of course,this work never stops)

 

 

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38 minutes ago, Pilgrimage of Self said:

Yes, it does actually. I think is what Leo meant when he said "We actively create our problems in our head. Reality is perfect. A problem must be created and sustained. It takes calories to do that" Of course this doesnt mean Im gonna magically learn how to behave in high pressure confrontational situations but I can at least,  let go of the negative story I am constantly telling myself and let go of the negative self talk and limiting beliefs and take action from there. (easier said than done)

Thanks for your helpful insight.

Another one to watch and learn from is Ricky Gervais. Just watch his golden globe performances and even his emmy's speeches. His confidence comes from the fact that he genuinely doesn't give a fuck and he actually enjoys the power that comes from that. He's even fond of saying: "I can say anything. This is live. " Just witness some of the most powerful people in the world getting genuinely nervous as he teases them and plays with them. They are his captives, because he has a live TV audience of 200 million and at that moment, nobody can stop him from saying whatever he wants. 

The thing is, you don't have to force yourself into confrontational situations. Just learn to let go of the consequences of your actions when they do happen. It is about learning detachment, which meditation helps with. This btw, is also one of the central teachings of the Bhagavad Gita. Acting in accordance with one's duty without any consideration or care given for the consequences is a central pillar of self-realisation. Or in other words and to quote Ricky, it isn't about you. 

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