zeroISinfinity

My final Journal

378 posts in this topic

Monastic life. For my soul to finally find peace. 

Woken 7:00

Done mourning hygiene routine

Deleted vision board(had that in phone totally forgot) 

Drinking coffee 7:30 and listening some music 

             Need to remove that habit. ✔️

13:24 got news on phone. "Supernova responded to United Media" 

Haven't spoken today. Promissed won't comment on stuff. But this is just hilarious and motivates me even more. I am done with this dream. 

Done this short one to calm myself from "provocation". 

Stop having fun. Ok 🤐

15:16 Had lunch, washed dishes, Done some cleaning work I left. 

Lied down on bed. Got this sense of eternal peace. I don't have to do anything. I am ok with me being self reliant monk. Really deep peace. Beleive I got cured from it all. 

Took small nap. Feeling refreshed. 

Brother called me with fearful voice to solve him again some financial issue. 

I just don't care I really don't. Tired of it all. 

Have to cook dinner later. At around 19:00 meanwhile just meditate and after dinner will do the same. 

When I really think about it. This is my dream come true. 

Aldo I get constantly bashed for it people just have no idea how my life was and that I really don't have any desires at all. 

Taken hour long walk next to Danube. 

Returned home will make dinner. 

After it seclude in my room and meditate for the rest of evening. 

Really have to take a break. 

Surrendered everything. Only way I can really accept this is by this way. 

Don't want to go anywhere. 

Do anything. 

Etc. 

You will go poof you know. Most likely if it happens it's ok Thank Goodness! and if it doesn't it's ok too. 

21:10 Second coffe for today and last one. 

Hey I cutted it down. 

Raise from within is huge you know but I need complete loneliness, don't want perceived others. Don't want perceived change in life too. 

I am ok. 

If I have to be all alone and deal with it for the rest of life this is only way I can really do it. 

I was just in it for pure Truth. Nothing else. Want my only desire to be respected. 

Calm down this won't let us alone. 

 

Relax it's ok. 

Why all of this always point back at us kiddo. Problem is everything else will make me much more motivated to live. But this is doing Absolutelly oposite of that. Makes me run from everything and forcing me to reject life. 

Doesn't matter if it's True, it's demotivating. 

So much pressure. Atleast if I was a ⬛ guy. This ⬜ guy for sure will have problems with all of this. Payed price for that and that's ok. Now I just want peace and nothing else. 

Won't interfere won't talk won't harm or hurt or interact with anyone. Gaved everything don't need or want anything period. 

Just listen to affirmations OMG I said no to all of that. It's hilarious. How many times I have to repeat that to MYSELF NO! Clear NO! 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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This cou ts as day 2.

True Self Pours all over the place. Ok ok I am unlimited Being. That's not some story that's Reality lol. 

Why you want me so much Good? 

Just c'mon. 

Why you want me so much to be That thing which I want to never use word again. 

Why is that so important + my sleeping pattern is so interupted. 

Can't be at peace can't be dettached and I can't be a monk. That's very sad thing you know and I can' t be poor isolated unloved etc. Fuck my life, really. 

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Problem is that I've already achieved what I wanted. Except familly thing. 

But that's much more conditioning thing then something that I really want. 

All those things  are me sleeping. But I never knew. 

@Nahm is right clearing space for new dream. 

Resisting call for something really authentic. 

What I really want, wants me. Non duality hate philosophy but it's true. 

Main problem is I don't know what I really want. 

How the hell I got lost in complete mindfuck. 

Love of God is terrifying and scares me of. No it just can't be. Forces me into all kind of shrinking crap. 

Veil is so fucking broken and I can't put VR set on anymore and beleive in it. 

Again you are drinking coffee. 

Oh God damn it. 

This ❤️ thing is destroying me from inside.

Should never know that. I am unable to give God his dream because of it. I am unable to do so anymore. 

Maybe I betreyed God, should be deluded as fuck. 

No other way then probation. 

Kid lost in unverse. 

Lets try to survive in this unfriendly place. Once again same shit. There is no other way. 

It literally wants me to be G... No no no no it's not right pls.

Thank Goodness I do have a way to avoid it. I do not want anything for myself pisses me off and I know how to continue. Thanks bro for being awesome 😈

 

 

❤️ Destroying me from inside. Happier then ever but I shouldn't be. That's a big problem. Just fuck. Like why me? 

7 billion people you know. 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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@zeroISinfinity Have you tried long distance running? Like 10 miles plus? Could be good to clear your head. Highly recommend you watch David Goggins he might be able to help you. He's a navy seal who found truth through sheer pain and suffering lol. He runs like 100 mile races.

You are loved my friend. Keep going.

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Just having fun man. Love you. 

 

Can suppress everything but I can't suppress ❤️ trying my best. 

It wants to reward 😈. I just want to scream no Noooooooooooooo pls God no. 

Really don't know what to do at all. 

❤️ Will ooen up fully and it's impossible for me to stop that. 

Then this Conciousness thing wants to play and awaits me aaaaaaaaaaaaa fuck I can't sit and type anymore I can't WTF is all of this. Like WTF I've done this is not want I wanted. It's not. 

Wiah I was like most folks looking for God in books. 

Don't laugh kid. Just don't laugh. 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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People are so good towards me and I can't beleive it. Everything changed. Makes me highly excited. 

Ufff it just destroyed me. 

Never in my life I ever fucking complained bitched whined or anything. Could withstand it all. 

But this crushed me so hard and had difficult time understandi g how Infinite Love can come in Such utterly brutal form made no sense at all. 

Maybe one day I will open my ❤️ to Jed and tell him everything so he can tell me why. Well he really does know my True Self so well. 

Problem is that I am a man and I will cry a lot. As every man I suppress everything inside and cope with it. 

Can cope with shitty stuff but not with good. Makes me to freak out because it is just not something expected. But I do honestly speak (most of it is still me playing games I know but some things are not). 

 

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Ok kiddo put VR set on. Return Alex in Universe. 

Lets play it once again. 

Bored with it but can't do anything else. 

2 bare hands and work to survive.

So you want to delude yourself. Well I really have to and I do not like cheating either. 

Runaway from Runaway. 

 

 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Maybe one day I will open my ❤️ to Jed and tell him everything so he can tell me why. Well he really does know my True Self so well. 

Problem is that I am a man and I will cry a lot. As every man I suppress everything inside and cope with it. 

Can cope with shitty stuff but not with good. Makes me to freak out because it is just not something expected. But I do honestly speak (most of it is still me playing games I know but some things are not).  

^_^ This is great insight.

Also, Jed might start charging for convos in the future. No excuses, please eventually talk to him. At least 1 convo. I will pay for whole thing. So money is no excuse.

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Yeah eventually I will. 

@Raptorsin7Lova ya man. I really do.

Just having problems adjusting. Constantly bombarded with stuff in a million years I can't accept and I never will. 

Had similar idea just to focus on making money. Because in Truth I don't really need life and that's an understatement. 

When I really wanted it didn't happened. Now I do not want it, not like this. 

But could play it out. It's not really a problem. 

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@zeroISinfinity I understand. There's no rush to progress. But the more we progress the better life gets.

I am also not focused on making money, not sure if this was directed at me but i'll respond anyway. When we live to our highest potential we will naturally make money and be financially free. Money is a good thing. Financial freedom is a good thing. It becomes a trap when we chase money for money's sake and forget the purpose of money.

I am blessed because my family has money so i was able to skip a lot of steps in the path tbh. But it doesn't change the underlying truth of what's going on here. 

I know you are struggling to accept this and move forward with life. But you are creating your own suffering right now by resisting what's occurring. Like resisting your call with Jed. I don't want to you suffer that's why I always post here. It makes me sad. But honestly i will be fine no matter. I just want you to get better man that's it.

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This came out lets listen. 

You are in such denial kid. Yes I am and that's only way. No matter how much this bombards me. 

Problem is when I really wanted this to be on my side and I really needed it, it just wasn't. 

Thing is God wanted to see how it is to be Alex. Yeah horror movie from get go. So immersive but on my skin. 

Ofcourse Alex stop and show middle fucking finger to that.

You really can't expect Alex to return ever again. 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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51 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You really can't expect Alex to return ever again. 

I expect Alex to return to life. I expect Alex to use these insights to live life for the sole purpose of loving the experience. Love. Joy. Bliss. Kindness. Friendship. Mastery.

This is what I expect Alex to return to.

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Check this out. @Raptorsin7

Went to store. I love hot yoginis. 

Just met one. Black hair hot as fuck. 

That's why no no no cheating cheating. That's why I have to escape and close doors to life. Cheating I hate cheating. 

All of this pisses me off.Like wtf. 

That's not the reason. No no no. 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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1 minute ago, zeroISinfinity said:

That's why no no no cheating cheating. That's why I have to escape and close doors to life. Cheating I hate cheating.

How is this cheating? Cheating who or what?

What's wrong with like attractive girls and wanting to date them?

I need more context.

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Nothing wrong @Raptorsin7.

Nothing wrong at all. 

Wanted Truth just for Truth not for myself. I wanted it for others. I wanted it for others. 

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@zeroISinfinity Keep going. You are loved. 

Your thoughts need to be addressed. There needs to be an overhaul of your psychology. You can beat this. But you must be strategic.

It's okay to want it for yourself too man. What's good for you will be good for others too. 

"The Shame That Binds You" John Bradshaw. Read this.

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@Raptorsin7 Want to know where real problen lies. 

Earlier in life if I was happy or joyful I was brutally punished for that. Later in life I noticed that with it I hurt people. I always cared about everyone II always did. 

But things changed and got inverted. 

Dunno. I am just not allowing myself that. Maybe that's a mistake. 

Yes my psychology got pushed to limits hahahaha like a God damn Lab rat. 

Want personal example here it is. 

Girlfriend before blondine and awakening(after it really went through worst possible shit there is, my life collapsed with it+Sainthood). I remember I looked at her with really loving eyes(because I really loved her so much, she went through very difficult life same as me like really really difficult). 

She said why are you looking me in this way. We both did not got use to getting loved. It was strange for her. 

I overcame my shit but she is a woman and it's a difficult for them to face and overcome serious traumas. 

See that's just one example. 

But it doesn't make sense now. 

No it doesn't. 

 

 

God damn MYSELF. Why is that so important. You know how I am. I am goodie. Real goodie. 

Just need time to recover. Will not go anywhere. 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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You talk with people like @Raptorsin7and you go yeah I will be hapy and show it. Then brother calls in complaining about his problems and he says it's all funny for you. I mean WTF. HAHAHAHA all of this is so funny.

Wake up finally for God sake.

greedisgood 999999

Yeah WarCraft 3 Frozen Throne good days as Night Elf player. 

You are not guilty kiddo for being who you really are. You gaved your life for it. Don't be so ashamed. 

How much proof do you need that will make sure you really are amazing even as person. 

 

Edited by zeroISinfinity

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@zeroISinfinity I understand. There's a reason only a small percent of the population awakens. World's a crazy place. Not sure why it's made this why but it's not my problem right now. Purpose is to heal. Yours is same. 

What you see is your world/universe. We can't change people unless they want to be changed. That's the rules. Girlfriend, brother, friends etc. We can't do anything. We try and try but they need to it on their own. You told me that when i first asked you for help. Said i can't do it for you. I actually was mad haha i was like this selfish guy won't help. But it's true. I am my own master. Same as you.

You need to detach from the past. I think it means detaching from family. At least for now. It will be hard for sure. But there's too much negativity and past trauma. They will re-trigger you. 

Heal and find people who are either already healed, or never had to heal because they never suffered trauma like you and me. You are the product of the 5 people you spend the most time with. This is true. When your brother calls and is fucked, you take on part of him. You let him into your universe. It's like letting in hell through the window. Let it go.

There is greatness in you. You know how I know. Because there is greatness in me and i feel drawn to you. I'm fucking done associating with people who don't see their own greatness. Because they won't see yours either. So they will drag you down to their level. We are both fucked, but that's okay kinda attitude fucking makes me sick. I had friends like this I fucking hate it so much. 

Purify means purify. Everything. People. Place. Food. Thoughts. 

Everything has to go, and be born a new.

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