#1 priority for 2020: Self-care

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

I’d suggest only ‘working with’ your arising thought, and the resonance of it with feeling...alignment or discord, feels good or not good...one thought at a time. If the thought is about her, notice how thought is ‘sneaky’...and don’t got to that ‘place’ where you’re trying to incorporate her thought / feeling, into your vibrational work

Alright, that's quite difficult for me right now. I guess that I don't accept the lower vibrational states right now and I can't be at peace when she's pissed/walled off, etc. Just looking at her when she's like that is difficult sometimes, but at least I'm eager to crack a smile. 

I noticed that can't even accept my own low vibrations for themselves. I can stomach their existence as means to orient myself in the frequency scale and rise, but I don't enjoy them for their own sake. Maybe if I think of them as signs of healing, perhaps, but even that doesn't work for me.

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

You do you, and let her do her.

And what if we do our "I" in the vicinity of each other and we interfere with each other's stuff? Do I use that as an opportunity to work with my thoughts on the fly, or do I disengage and do "me" somewhere else?

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

Though your heart may be in the right place, when ‘someone else is bringing you down’...it’s actually a subtle judgement of your own which doesn’t feel good to you.  Look for the the direct resonance of your thought & feeling. Allow everyone else to fully feel their resonance of thought & feeling, even if that means they are angry, or sad. We can all help each other in healing, and yet the ultimate lasting healing is within each of us. That, and more and more of that, is what you individually, and her individually, need to discover. Then, ...”togetherness”...will be an entirely new and unbelievably awesome experience.

In short...if she wants to express...just listen. But if ‘where you’re at’, is “she’s bringing me down”...there’s more thought / feeling work for you to do. She isn’t bringing you down, your thought about her doesn’t feel good, in the sense you can’t pretend you are responsible for her resonance. Someone in the “you’re bringing me down” mindset, is not helpful to “the one bringing me down”. Nothing “wrong” with it...but it’s still in the “all about me” mindset. Work through that and you’ll emotionally be like Neo when the hallway turns to code, and the agent doesn’t stand a chance (of holding out from “This Love”).

I like that, a lot. "You can't pretend you are responsible for her resonance" is a very good description. So, maybe I should focus on the fact that she's having her own resonance instead of focusing on her misalignment? That does feel better actually, thank you.

[allislove]

> I can't be at peace when she's pissed/walled off, etc

 

That's judgment on your part, my friend. See it clearly and let it go. I know, easier said than done, wish you ❤️

[Nahm]

56 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I don't accept the lower vibrational states

There’s really no such thing as a “bad” feeling. It one thought, be believed about feeling. But the thought is not true, and that is why it doesn’t feel good. Essentially, the thought does not feel good, because it is judging, feeling (you)....

58 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I can't be at peace when she's pissed

...in recognizing the judgmental nature of the thought, judging your feeling...you can recognize that she is doing the same damn thing.

Just let her. Mind your thought & feeling resonance. 

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

disengage and do "me" somewhere else?

Yes. 

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

So, maybe I should focus on the fact that she's having her own resonance instead of focusing on her misalignment?

YES! ??♥️

[tsuki]

I can't count how many times I cried to this song. Probably well over 50.
I was wondering about the vibrational frequency of crying and how sadness and healing are alike in this respect.
Sadness is very low on the scale and that does not fit with healing, like AT ALL. That is because healing has the frequency of appreciation, freedom and love. This whole association of sadness and crying is so fucking false that I can't even wrap my head around how this could have gotten any more confused. When I cry, I RELEASE MYSELF from the state I'm in!

Anyways, I appreciate @Nahm's help so much.
I am so grateful for having emotions, for the inner compass of truth.
I am also grateful for this Universe, in which what feels right, is true.

I could not have imagined it to be any better. It is truly Heaven on Earth, a place where all wishes are granted.

[Nahm]

@tsuki ?

[tsuki]

I still keep giving authority over what I feel to other people. Why would I ever do that?
Why would I ever look for someone else's approval if I can approve of myself?
I can't understand this, why would it be this way, why would I habitually choose to give my freedom away?
There is absolutely no benefit to it, it's not like even other people can appreciate it when I give them power over me!
All I do when I give myself away is to piss myself off. This is so unbelievably stupid!

This realization is so freeing, so beautiful. I feel like I don't need anything anymore.

 

[tsuki]

All I ever wanted is to feel good, which is identical to being myself AND being truthful?
What the actual fuck?! Who would have thought?! It's JUST that?! 

[mandyjw]

Who would have thought? So very happy for you.

edit, I just thought that I could have italicized "have" instead, and it would have point to the same thing, "Who would have thought?"

Edited February 28, 2020 by mandyjw

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

Who would have thought? So very happy for you.

edit, I just thought that I could have italicized "have" instead, and it would have point to the same thing, "Who would have thought?"

I think like the insight you're trying to convey is a personal one.
No clue what you're talking about, but I'm glad that you're having fun .

[tsuki]

Oh my god, it's so simple. So simple. It's so simple that it's totally outrageous!
All it takes is to follow your heart, listen to what feels right and surrender to it!
It will cost you your self-concept, the way you think you are, but the payoff is worth it.

Good riddance!

[tsuki]

Today I'm the last day at my current work and starting from Monday, I will be at a different company working as a C++ programmer. I had a loyalty agreement here where I would refrain from being employed as a competition for 12 months and in return they would pay me 1/4th of my current salary. After I found a job that pays 1/4th better in a different sector these fuckers gave me a notice that cancels that agreement because they don't want to pay me. Fuck these pricks!

I'm glad because they are not honest people and I would worry that they would try to lie and sue me for disclosing some information about company and extort money from me. I'm so glad to be over with them! Nothing ties me to this place anymore and my life is going to be amazing.

From now on, I will be doing something that I'm more passionate about, has better employment prospects and actually pays better. My new employer seemed genuinely happy to have me on board. I'm excited to see how it will turn out!

Edited February 28, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

First day at the new work, I'm excited and hopeful. The people seem genuinely nice.

[tsuki]

Absolutely love the new workplace environment. People are relaxed and I'm actually interested in what I'm supposed to do for a change. Super excited for tomorrow.

 

 

[tsuki]

I'm so tired when I get back home that I have zero energy left to think.
Not thinking is so awesome. Just sitting in my belly like that. I'm so happy.

As an added bonus, I started to ride a bike to work.
Love it, even the fact that I got wet on my way back home twice!

[silene]

Great that your new job is going well Tsuki, and it's good to have some time outside commuting - I can walk to work, making friends with the trees, plants and birds along the way. I can't imagine what it's like to work as a programmer full time, I just do it for a hobby which is hard enough. 

[tsuki]

9 hours ago, silene said:

I can't imagine what it's like to work as a programmer full time, I just do it for a hobby which is hard enough. 

I thought that as well, but it seems like people here understand how difficult it is and give each other space to explore, learn, etc. At least that's what I'm experiencing right now and for these past two days I haven't heard any of the stuff that would happen at my last work regularly (screaming at employees or downright degrading them).

Yesterday I realized that I was so tired because I was in my headspace for the past two days and my emotions were bottled up.
I started journaling and felt much more at ease. Couldn't contain myself yesterday. Why would I ever behave as if it was necessary to do so in the first place?

Edited March 4, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I've been letting myself down lately. When I'm stressed out, I get into the work mode and I'm not taking proper care of my needs. I've been neglecting myself for the whole week.

Today I'm teaching the kids. I wonder how will that work.

 

[remember]

sounds like genuine progress tsuki - the new workplace sounds awsome!!! it’s normal i guess if the environment changes you also change - interesting how much of these old patterns were system errors more than individual ones. also of course if there is a lot going on on another plain of life, some other parts fall short. it’s not bad, if staying aware you can return to these habits like journaling for example - going down with expectations of how much time bulk you have to spend journaling a little will probably serve you more than feeling bad about it. you do the journaling for yourself and show up on it for yourself. it’s still inspiring though, especially because you made these significant changes. very emancipated ? 

Edited March 7, 2020 by remember

[tsuki]

On 7.03.2020 at 10:54 AM, remember said:

it’s still inspiring though, especially because you made these significant changes. very emancipated ? 

Thanks @remember. How are you doing lately?

I made a commitment today that I will sit down every day during the week and journal privately. I will do that even if I can't think of anything to write, even just a few words to build a habit. I had so many emotions bottled up today. Got pissed at my wife and we even had a fight two days ago. 

I sat down and wrote for half an hour, probably 3-5 pages and I feel soooo much better. Being in the range of contentment instead of rage is a such a big difference! This needs to be my priority, especially because I'm learning at work so much and I used to use the computer to escape myself in my childhood. 

[remember]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

How are you doing lately?

that’s a good question, still a lot of political fear issues coming up i try to identify with minorities to much without sometimes realizing that i‘m not part of all of them and that my perspective sometimes might be seen as a threat rather than a help.

i try to journal, too. sometimes it works better than other times. but i also think it’s better to do that on paper. i don’t always need to communicate about everything what’s going on anymore. 

i learned some italian in january - had to check on corona because i was in italy - thank god the test was negative. but it will take some time until i can take up the course and return to italy probably, which is sad. (for italians more than for me, not because of me of course)

i just planted some seeds. now i‘ll wait to see if they sprout. experienced some seeds of hate, too lately - so i planted som king henry violets and hope the violets will grow instead of fear. can even make salad of them because they are eatable.

and i liked that you go to work by bike, and could identify with the getting soaked in rain but not caring much part - i got a lightweight racing bike recently i can carry up into the flat, and i really love to go anywhere by bike now, i like the cold wind in the face and even if my hands are sometimes almost frozen it feels like being alive. i guess i found my cardiovascular sports - i like it more than running for myself, probably because running is more fun in nature than in cities.

i‘m smoke-free since october. what else... some other stuff is work in progress.

Edited March 8, 2020 by remember