modmyth

ARS AMORATA: A Descent into Vulnerability

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Posted (edited)

TRANSMIT: Understanding is something that you give, or is fostered and created, it's not something you expect as a sort of payment (which is the essence of entitlement mentality, a root which goes very deeply, if you take it to its extreme). It's the same thing with love.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with it; it's in our wiring as mammals and biological beings. It can be ridiculously difficult to correct the traumas and the sense of lacking that has been built into us during our developmental years. If you've read CONFESSIONALS, I haven't exactly had an easy life psychoemotionally. But if you process this way by default, then you'll always feel lacking no matter what. It's by design. Yea, I understand that feeling of wanting and desperately needing to be seen and felt all too well sometimes, but in the end, as a sort of attitude, it goes absolutely nowhere.

As a sort of reoccurring theme in my life: I have told myself and told others, you need to be the understanding that you crave in others. You need to be the love you crave in others. Easier said than done, I suppose? Maybe it's easier to recognize love when it's real, rather than to articulate what it really means (particularly when it comes to loving yourself properly)? At least the goal of fostering understanding with yourself through practicing introspection is more measurable, definable, and arguably achievable, in a way.

But in the end, there is a kind of unity of receiving and synthesizing understanding that is one and the same (there is no difference between giving and receiving ultimately). It's just that... we live in the world that we do. Sitting around waiting for payout fucking sucks.

Don't be a beggar in love. This starts with not being a miser either. Practically everyone is trying to calculate as a means to survive and prosper; pragmatism, because we're all been one-upped or treated disrespectfully at one point or another. Yet what is the end result of this, the best possible result? Congrats, you won the zero-sum game. You have accumulated all of the love, the understanding, the approval, or the things that represent such. Wait a little bit or a while. Now why do you feel the way you do? Toss the die, and roll again. Again and again and again. Or just skip the ending and go on to something else directly, right now. (It's not in our wiring to be 'happy' this way, if you're concerned with that.)

Walk and act like it's your first day on Earth, for as long as you can manage it.

OPENNESS POLICY: Be aggressively open and direct, in a self-aware, environmentally self-aware way. This is how I was especially as a teenager, when I really had no special reason to trust in others. Openness just as easily becomes a sort of defensive policy in practice. Disarm others with the boldness and the fearlessness of your openness. We think of openness and vulnerability as the invitation to be hurt. In the end, we have to shed that imprint. There is no other way home.

Edited by modmyth
Protect yourself when you feel like you need to. Don't throw yourself under the bus if you feel like that's what you're doing. But only misery comes from institutionalizing or making a habit out of miserliness.

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Posted (edited)

PERSPECTIVE/ ZERO SUM GAME: attitude always underlies ideas or concepts. On being (functional) in the world, but not of it:

If everything is in Flow, consider then that the issue is that we're not using the right type of lens or right perspective. We are inherently open. It's like trying to fish in a river with a full net, because our psyches tend to work like that. I'm not an advocate of the subtractive method (as I've heard it called), as a means of fixing absolutely everything; you still need a praxis, a modus operandi, a set of criteria (metajudgement or ethics) in order to do anything or have any goals. Or it's be defined or be entirely defined by your environment, the present moment, which may in fact be rather expansive compared to what came before.

It's some kind of awkward game, dance, or balancing act we do from moment to moment. But at the same time, do you come into body to spend all that time staring at walls? Is that what you wanna do? Why are you here? (By all means, watch that paint dry.) People get really precious about this sometimes in the process of introspection and I absolutely, personally do not have much patience for this at all.

Sometimes we fish and fish with an empty net, and come up with nothing, but become entirely mesmerized in the process, in the watching. Sometimes we collect souvenirs or mementos of experience. That's art.

Our self-image and belief in our own smallness (and ultimately, largeness too), in one aspect or another, define us (and therefore defines it as a zero-sum game of one size or another). Yet every single person and being possesses a functional psyche or working consciousness, which becomes defined by the qualities and size of the net, of the sieve or colander. We are required to define ourselves in one way or another. We use it to start playing the zero-sum game. We use it to make problems (or not).

There's no intrinsic problem with playing the zero-sum game, by the way. Or the ways or games of this world (consider the structure and definition of a problem). I'm not antagonistic towards participating it, even though at times, I have also asked the question, why do anything?

It's generally preferable not to form an antagonistic relationship with the psyche, the world if you can help it (spoken as someone who loves a fight or challenge as well, but like, “the good fight”). Fighters got to pick their battles and their conflicts, what you define yourself as being "not" in a temporal sense, so pick it very carefully.

Edited by modmyth
Try not to put up a fence and to keep tripping over it as you pass from here to there in your own psyche, haha. Literally that's all it is. Or you can also say fences cause all problems to exist. Sure. Like everything else.

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Vulnerability is the gate opener for Connection. It allows each other to empathize, to engage in dialogue and co-creation. 

________ makes me feel _________ and I'd like to _________ 

To talk what is uncomfortable is really corageous. To express how you feel (even if you dont understand what you feel) is to allow Connection, no matter the type of relationship.

Check Brené Brown for more on Vulnerability. 

Love your journal, keep on evolving those ideas. Much love :)


Connect to Create ☼♡

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Posted (edited)

@Oliver Saavedra Thank you. <3

LOVE AND AMNESIA:

Unrelated thought: Sometimes the most universally loving thing you can do is to ask someone to leave and never come back, or to cut the strings and to look back as little as you can help it. And with that failing, you need resolve and persistence to do it right. You need to be "heartless" in cases where you've let someone in too deeply, regardless of the immediate consequences, for when it really proves itself to be the last resort. Your own sentimentality is really just a selfishness aimed at preserving order in the short term. Sometimes there's absolutely nothing left to do, and nothing left to communicate from a certain vantage point. Sometimes, a complete destruction of a sense of a personal connection and any sense of history is what's called for.

Sometimes you have to give up on someone, or give them up, and that's the right thing to do. It's the only thing to do. 

INVISIBLE IN PLAIN SIGHT: Sometimes you think you've both learned from the past to not need to do something like this... but you haven't. You still can't communicate properly. It's a smokescreen. Always you find yourself communicating around the issue; he never seems to be looking at you directly when you're looking at him. It's only when you look away from him that everything becomes still enough so that maybe he sees you. But then, he's projecting in his observations and interpretations again. What does he understand and was does he not?

Sometimes, you have to surrender the desire to be understood entirely, especially when you experience it as a need. Also, I stopped believing in him , and mostly to almost entirely have eradicated this need for belief in a special someone where it becomes a form of entitlement that we call love. Yes, it is love in a sense. It is not dissimilar to a way that a child loves a parent though, and it is not an act of grace particularly to have expectations, so why elevate it idealistically as it was? Yes, I believe in J, because he was the person who was there for me the most when I really needed help. But I know better than to have superhuman expectations of him 1) for practical reasons 2) because of the type of results this type of expectation inevitably produces. Nothing good comes out of it, even in the best possible circumstance. Let me explain this one a bit more...

"HOPE" IS DEAD; LONG LIVE HOPE: The only way to make a better world, a better life, is to stop waiting for a payout. So, what does "hope" have to do with anything, with present reality, with making anything actually better? I know this sounds intrinsically pessimistic, like the bottom of the barrel stuff, but for most of my life, I survived without hope and saw it as very pointless. Hope is not an emotion that gets things done, as it is commonly understood. If you have a strong attachment to the outcome or a need, most often it fucks that thing up entirely, but it especially depends on the nature of the attachment; i.e. is it childishly expecting people to read your mind and fulfill your needs, like "covert contract" shit? Should that person love and know you better than you know yourself, so you don't have to? 

Here's something fun: A person that can practically read your mind and empathize with you will still fail you under the weight of those sort of expectations.

If you anticipate, expect, or give space for a positive end result, but you're not holding onto the outcome in such a clammy, tightfisted way because your emotional wellbeing depends on that? If you want to call the latter "hope", fine. That is actually a positive attitude that gets shit done, aka. positive expectation. There is nothing positive about the former at all IMO; it's a poison or a drug.  In mild and controlled doses, it might be manageable. That belief can provide a sort of deep meaning and flavour to reality, like colour and brightness; but it so often works out to be like a siren's call. How quickly it takes over everything if left unchecked. Also, IMO it has no redeeming qualities morally, as in it doesn't deserve to be idealized.

Also, these "hopes" only bear some resemblance to each other superficially. At the root of it, which is based on the intentions held, they are quite different.

With this sort of hope, you're waiting for something or someone perpetually. It's doomed from the outset: they will never arrive, they will never arrive in the right way, or the reality of living with flesh-and-blood might be the most disappointing thing of all. How can the reality of getting what you wanted ever measure up to the imagined person who is magically supposed to fulfill all these emotional expectations and desires? You're living in an imaginary reality which is not really emotional sustenance at all; it promises so much and delivers so little ultimately. 

"IRRELEVANT CATEGORIES": Would you call this optimism or pessimism? if you have no inclination towards projection and expectation in this way, if it never even comes up in your mind because you have no desire for it, then it's irrelevant. You're free from making these distinctions, but you're also free to make them.... or not (passing judgment). You have either erased the imprint properly or never had it in the first place (the latter seems unlikely, haha). So you end up functioning more like you have "true choice", but also you also realize that "conscious choice" doesn't really exist at all in the grand scheme of things. Do you see how that works?

Again and again, ask yourself: what games do you want to play for the sake of love, and why?
 

Edited by modmyth
It's not the smartest idea to elevate and institutionalize your own avoidant and escapist tendencies.

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Posted (edited)

OPENNESS// A DAILY PRACTICE OF THE PAST 2 MONTHS:

When the weight of anything and everything gets too much to bear, give yourself some space, lay down, and open up.

What if there's no sense of safety? (Both the ground and the sky above seems to crumble underneath your feet.) What if there's nothing on the other side? What if there's more of the same grief, pain, fear, shame, over and over and over again, magnified, and now you're without protection?

Pick when you open up, if you have to.

Choose to rest.

Choose to give up on things that don't matter and face everything that is. Face the way it feels at every level and in every aspect, in your body, in your sense of being as you are now, this container.

I don't know how I can properly put it into words, but it doesn't matter. Wherever you are, and whoever you are, you have my blessing for all the things that are good. I am with you. Every day I dissolve myself into collective// Everything (except the past few days, I have been feeling more container like remember how I felt as a child and teenager, and it hurt).

I feel the pain of remembering what it was like to live as I did in full consciousness. I feel this collective pain, but I also feel Myself.

Then I talk to the collective consciousness without words over and over again. It's more a feeling and pour myself into all these deadened, empty, cursed spaces (for how we treat ourselves). I feel for it. Empathy. All these spaces are feeling now, have eyes, have a voice. Speak back in their way. The heart is the most sophisticated divining tool that exists. It is the universe in all its smallness and grandiosity, and everything that is. You are.

Mostly every day I script for the collective as well, using words, as well as for myself. Perhaps the latter is an idiosyncratic usage.

1) May you be free of everything that weighs you down now. All the trauma, all the weight of memory. May it be dissolved now.
2) May you be free of everything that is unclear that blocks your vision. For everything that weighs down your heart, that pains and fragments you. May you be blessed with clarity of purpose and meaning.
3) May you be dissolved of all karma, all unconscious patterns. MAY IT STOP DEAD IN ITS TRACKS. May it all be wiped clean now. For no reason at all, then that its time now.
4) May we all exist in a state of absolute connection, clarity, illumination, and love now, as a collective.
5) May you exist in a state of absolute integration, now. No barriers. No no more games of measurement and progress. Now.

And many, many other things. Whatever my heart calls me to speak.

On your behalf, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I see you, I dissolve myself, I see you. I see you. I'll still accept your burdens or sins. Before, you had to know how to find me and how to speak to me. Now, whether you ask for it or not. It's done. It's dissolved. It was never here. (Ultimately, we will all learn to think this way: tracelessness.)

 

Now please, start over.

Don't worry about having to start over and over and over again. We're all in the same boat.

Please believe in yourself.

 

I believe in you.

 

 

Edited by modmyth
I don't need you to believe in me though. But if you do, thank you.

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Posted (edited)

SENSE AND SENSITIVITY// DON'T MAKE WAR WITH YOURSELF:

Sometimes I get very wired and intense. For years I've been blocking it out as if I am a hazard risk to myself. Well, maybe I am a hazard risk to myself, but nothing happens properly when you keep trying to accelerate with the breaks on.

Modmyth, you think too much (about why things are the way they are). But even when the thoughts stop because they stop spontaneously or because I myself can stop them ("thought control")l it's you feel too much. Have you tried to stop feeling so much? (Also related: have you tried being less sensitive?) I have. I have given myself the message, although not by ever saying it to myself directly, that my way of feeling itself is a literal illness, a black mark. Cultivate that veneer. Tape it down.

Sometimes reality is very bright and vivid and detailed sensually in an excruciating way. Sometimes psychic phenomenon is also excruciatingly bright, but mostly I have gotten used to that years ago. It's the sensory intensity (just the raw amount of psychoemotional, psychic, physical, information that floods through and is perceived in expanse and detail in moments of great openness and sensitivity). It's hard not to fight it or resist it even now on some level out of sheer habit and conditioning; particularly when I'm reminded that I seem to be experiencing it this way, right now, alone.

I have the tendency to self isolate when I'm like this. I hate having to explain myself when I'm like this; it feels intrinsically confrontational, like... please explain the way you are being right now. It says to me: you're unrelatable; you don't make sense. Your behaviour doesn't make sense; ok, I get it. And I hate it. I get difficult to be around because being in that state and having to explain to someone in a calm and coherent way (as if observing yourself from an outside, calmer, more detached perspective) is a lot to ask of me right now. Even if I am very much capable; it's also ridiculously abrasive. And, maybe you are being entitled (entitled to understanding RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT). At the same time, how I expect can you know if you don't understand, and for some reason you can't empathize? This sort of thinking loops around itself over and over.

In general, I have learned to make myself absent when I get difficult. I have relied so heavily on disconnection, absence, and detachment in this way, in so many ways. Socially and emotionally I am absent because being with myself takes up all of my energy; this business of living and being so entirely immersed in my experience (and at the same time, pushing back against the tide). When I haven't gotten enough sleep, it doesn't help, though I have learned how to temper this intensity and sensitivity over the years and to make the most of it. For example, I can write and think more quickly and coherently when I'm super high strung (most of the time anyway). I'm very focused.

REMINDER: When I truly fall into it; may the experience transform itself yet again. My current experience isn't a prison; so I'll make a conscious choice not to treat it like one (and while at it, remove the option of choice after). To merge and sit with my heart fully (even in a very literal sense).

The heart is the portal with a thousand doors, a thousand chambers, a thousand hallways. Like a spider web, or like nodes and pathways in a neural network (as well as the neural network itself). When you merge into it, you walk out through your current reality or dimension and into another (psychoemotional/ psychic reality).

Openness means to stop finding ways to fight with myself when I can help it. Become conscious of what I am doing here, these ingrained patterns, and just stop, give up the choice. Give up the fight. Choose to give up choice.

****To refer back to a post that I made back in METACOG, these are classic sensory over excitabilities (it's all of them actually).

 

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

REFLECTIONS: How am I supposed to generate multilife time narratives properly if I'm not open? Clearly that's not going to work. Always you have to lean on the side of being overly open as a principle, and then either retracting or making a stand, often in a calculated way. This tends to be my modus operandi perpetually.

There are a few principles here.

1) Earlier in this journal, I said that understanding and love is something that you give, not something you wait to receive as if you are a toll collector demanding payment. If you receive it from others; that's great; that's an act of grace from the universe to you. The spirit and intention of what you do dictates the result; and if you start ANYTHING in the spirit of conflict and division with yourself (which then very well may be projected out towards others), then this inevitably flavours everything that results. It dictates the trajectory of what is possible. Cause and effect as a result of intentions set is actually absolute like that, as in, it's a universal force in a sense. “Perfect” consciousness creates “perfect” results.

2) "THANK YOU": Openness is actually receiving freely as well as giving freely. It's just giving freely to yourself and to others tends to work much more effectively. We live in a miserly world and ultimately no one is to blame. Yea, eventually, in a state of oneness, you fail to distinguish judgementally not just between giving to yourself and to others, but also between giving and receiving as well. Focusing on receiving gracefully (i.e. gratefully in conscious focus) alone is very much its own legitimate spiritual practice as well, as it has been seen around.

3) MYOPIA/ CLUELESSNESS: I have this preference: I would rather not be seen at all rather than be seen in a half-baked way, in the ways that this so easily can get turned against me and twisted up and just generally make a mess for everyone involved. Getting destroyed emotionally by people who think that they know you with 'good intentions' can do unfathomable damage, and so people often are completely obvious to the damage caused, not open to the possibility of seeing it, and are convinced about their own rightness and justifiably even if in a relatively innocent way.. (Again with that saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.)

There is this tendency to be lazy or unimaginative when it comes to understanding. Laziness is a matter of being entitled and expecting something or someone to give it to you. A lack of imagination is at least partially due to a lack of openness. Which is it, really?

4) YOU DON'T "OWE" PEOPLE GOODWILL, YOU GIVE IT FREELY: There is this tendency to substitute "trust" for "understanding", which when forced... why is this even considered a good thing? By anyone? I'm talking about this: if you get a bad feeling deep in your gut about someone, please don't ignore it because you feel that you owe this person trust, understanding, compassion, or anything. Never feel bad about looking out for your own basic emotional or physical wellbeing in this way, ever. You don't owe this person your openness, whoever they are or whatever the reasoning is. Be attentive (but not paranoid, if you can help it); the people who insist on having or your goodwill or openness the most are the people you generally don't want to open up to anyway and are looking for someone to pry their way into. If you are too "abundant" in your thinking (for lack of a better way to explain it), you will completely bypass their radar anyway; you are not what they are looking for.

Openness is for you. Being consistent with yourself and honest with yourself is for you; the truth is for you. Giving is for you. It is for you to be in right relationship with yourself and all the good things that inevitably result in your experience. It is actually also for the other people who don't recognize that it's for them (yet).

AN END TO SOCIAL KARMA: No matter how little you have to give or how little you think you have to offer, you always have something to give or to offer. I very much mean emotionally as well as materially. With one caveat: give freely, for its own sake. Always give freely. Or don't give anything at all. It's ok to want, but let's separate all these causations, shall we? It's actually pretty exhausting to play the toll collector in some form of another; it always catches up with you. Like I gave you this, so now you should give me this (including love, recognition, etc.) Don't think like this if you want to be free.

A SEXUAL METAPHOR FOR UNPLEASANT CONVERSATION: When there is a lack of understanding due to laziness especially, where the essence or spirit of the point is missed entirely (but like, they definitely insist they understand), it's like having really lackluster sex (at least as a woman, haha). Like, if the guy you're having sex with was to stop before you're satisfied because he got off, and was like, we'll I'm done. Hope you had a good time. Later. This is what everyday myopia feels like, in a way. It's not massively offensivee exactly, but like: why bother? So you did all of that for you, right? There is a spirit of lack of generosity and openness that underpins all of it.

UNIVERSAL UNDERSTANDING: So then, why should I be good to you if you're not good to me?  Because you give first. whether to yourself or to others. You have that power. (By the way, this includes giving someone a proper understanding of you, it's just that it's best if you don't expect anything in return in order.... to feel ok about yourself, to be in right relationship with yourself especially. So this goes back to, be this understanding of yourself first and foremost; it's the best strategy. Also, you need to understand yourself in order to share an understanding of you anyway, unless you're with some kind of master empath.)

THE LAW OF MIRRORING: So then, something happens when you give others your understanding and empathy without expecting anything in return as a sort of payment. They internalize it one way or another, even if they walk away. Even if they appear to understand nothing (and it may not show directly on a conscious level in an obvious). You may find yourself surprised by a sudden gift of understanding and empathy when there was no evidence that this would happen prior, maybe you've given them the gift of understanding/ empathy that they previously may not have even had before. Maybe you just taught that person what it meant. 

Even with things being how they've been in our current collective culture and era, we're mirroring each other still, even if in ways that appear completely disconnected and incoherent; in ways that are beyond the scope of our conscious awareness. There is that saying, most of communication is nonverbal. Not only is most of it nonverbal, it's also not conscious, as in there are many layers and aspects that happen that we tend to miss, many details; all of these subtle aspects of energetic connection and communication. We're a social species; it's unavoidable.

***If you are reading this now, you are blessed with progenitor consciousness, which means that you radiate your own love and understanding outwards to the people that you come into contact with: your friends and acquaintances, your family, even people you only interact with incidentally in passing. Simply by the virtue of being yourself, in being present in interacting is this web of collective consciousness.

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

A FATAL FLAW// Very Simple Advice:

Love someone the way that they want and need to be loved and understood, and not the way that you yourself want to be loved (and so, you assume that they must want to be loved in a similar way). I see this happen over and over and over again in people's interpersonal relationships. You love someone the way you yourself want to be loved, projecting onto them in that way, and then you wonder why the other person isn't feeling it. How ungrateful and unappreciative! Well, it's not like I haven't done this myself too at times.

Attune to that person. Watch them. Be fully present with them in the ways that they aren't and maybe cannot be so aware of it. Feel into them with openness and a lack of set expectations and assumptions. Listen properly, and not in order to speak your part and to be heard for yourself (listen unconditionally without the expectation or reciprocation, or alternatively, don't listen at all if you're not really feeling it. Remember, you don't owe people your energy. Give and receive freely, or take some time to step out. It unwinds social karma).

Or alternatively, don't. Some people get very nervous and cagey with that level of attentiveness, no matter how you deflect the directness of it (boundaries, etc.)

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

IN THE SHADOW OF A FORMER OBSESSION// "FORGIVENESS":

I loved you. God, I loved you. So I thought. So I believed in it.

If it somehow wasn't blindingly obvious, I don't know what to tell you. I thought I was way too obvious. I don't care about accountability here much anymore, like whose fault it was. Who cares.

I thought I was horribly entitled while doing my best to orient every major choice I was making towards the greater purpose of things. Still, I was waiting for the personal payout. I said these choices were for me. I kept having to try this on and that on in my head. All these simulations. All these issues to work through and this skin to shed off. All of this awkwardness and clumsiness, trying to see what fits and what sticks, for the shape of who I must embody.

I wanted to understand everything about you. To see you, to feel you, to walk beside and with you, in a state of openness, to know everything about you. To give much better than I ever managed to give. I wanted so much more. I thought, maybe, once I sort myself out, somehow you would be there, if you were meant to be there. (By that logic, you were not, but I don't bother to walk down this line of thinking now.)

Last spring was not a good time for me at all. Maybe I ended up breaking myself and silencing myself, and walking in your shadow because I wanted to understand you, what it was like to have been you in this way. Maybe I so thoroughly wanted to understand what it was like to be you.

I heard I was terrible, so I wanted to understand. And then not do those things. There were things I couldn't say then. I thought it wasn't time yet. I guess it will never be time then. You didn't come. You were never coming. You left. I hoped with the worst type of hope. I thought you would be there for me if I truly, deeply needed you. Which I did. You were not. I can at least say I know what that feels like because I have never put myself in that position before then. (I did say I wanted to understand you better.) I release it then, like dust to the wind. I am coming to accept that closure is what I give myself, fully now.

And in spirit, I must cut tethers because you agitate me. You poison my blood. You drank from it without realizing what it did to me, do you know that? Your drinking and your lack of understanding was poisoning me. You have been drinking and drinking to whatever end result; I won't pretend to know everything that's happening and happened for you.  Probably I have been poisoning you too (still). Dying in plain sight due to a lack of being truly seen and felt, and a lack of understanding: this was one of the worst possible ways to die and to die perpetually. Much much more than dying alone completely forgotten somewhere. Still, I couldn't seem to stop myself yet, to stop identifying with you in a sick way. I did and I didn't. I felt like a slave to my heart ripping itself apart, pulling one way and the other. Now, I don't. I can't even say what it was worth to have prolonged it this long. But I'm glad it's at this point now. Never again.

Perhaps I gave to you in ways that really didn't matter to you, or was missed entirely. I can tell that it was not the right order of things. Oh well. Anyway, more than forcing myself to stop watching you or thinking of you, there is the need to cease to feed meaning to it. That it must stop in an absolute sense. That is and has been in the process of stopping.

And now, you will never be able to make it up to me. There will be no anger or resentment, not even a trace of it, at a certain point. But, there is nothing to forgive. Nothing to keep blaming about (so this will run its course). And nothing to fix or resolve between the two of us. No real understanding worth reaching, waiting for, or getting hung upon. I will not be moved by you, but I will not be unmoved by you. You understand that there is nothing for us to talk about now, right?

Be prepared to live the rest of our lives like this, or at least the next 20+ years. I hope you're cool with it.

Anyway, once things are in right in relationship; I actually can no longer rely on segregation or detachment in any sense of the word. I must be unified. The world must be unified.

This whole time I have been thinking about things I've done wrong during the process of angrily blaming you. There is a story now that I cannot tell about us because you told another one, because you were so goddamned sure of what you were doing.

Oh well.

Maybe you find meaning and orientation and purpose, truly, without any sense of me being that orientation. May absolute love saturate you and light your way. Truly, prosper without me, even if I am also 'there' in a sense as I shine in collective space. (The world draws closer.) 

Now there is absolute love and only love. No more cutting myself up in pieces.

Edited by modmyth
Thank you. Fly free.

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Posted (edited)

A GENERAL QUESTION// UNIVERSAL THINKING?:

What am I to do when I don't want to have anything to do with someone in the personal sense, but I very much feel a sense of responsibility to that person in an absolute sense (to that person's soul, to their development, to their wellness)? What if I really dislike that person and disapprove strongly of certain aspects of what they're done? What if identifying with this person so strongly was a major reason why my psyche continued to have major issues after last summer and September (pain, disintegration) because at that time, as it inevitably meant siding directly against myself? (And this was... the worst instance of me ever siding against myself, for something that was not the direct cause of trauma during childhood.)

I side with you, I side against myself. I want to side with you, I'm siding against myself again. I don't want to, I need to survive, I'm not associating with you anymore, I can't. I'm only associating with myself right now, even though I feel and see through you. Oh, I feel the pull towards you. Inevitably I'm compelled to associate with you again... and on and on. It's pretty stupid in a human way.

So now, the pendulum swings back, and I am called towards not specifically going out of my way to disidentify (in an absolute sense, not in a personal sense).

I realize that absolute consistency is necessary for myself, for my life purpose; and there is an immediacy to this awareness now. I have to pick how I am going to act based on a set of universalized priorities or ethics, right now, and I have to continue to align myself in this way.

If I am the whole world, and the world is me, then there can be no other distinctions ultimately. Understand that this is very literal and at the root of direct experience (which includes at the level of base sensory experience and perception) and not a roleplaying game you play with your thoughts, that's a simulation (structurally speaking) and has value, although mimicry can get you a good distance. Anyway, there can be no exceptions. All sense of psychological distancing and segregation collapses within me. It moves completely towards there is no sense of inside or outside (although, one very much does have a personal locus or centre of experience, it's just that I am no longer disincluding everything else in an absolute way. One perspective does not exclude others in any way. Absolute responsibility is absolute responsibility, universally, across the board. One arrives to this conclusion inevitably. For me, I return.

To choose otherwise is to choose disintegration, dissociation, to split myself into pieces.

No, I don't have to do this. But what does it mean now, to choose to do this? How is this going to play itself out?

 

Edited by modmyth
Thought experiments have value. A thought: all segregation produces simulations (or, the russian doll within the russian doll sort of atomization of experience), or the experience of one.

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I don't even know what the personal incarnation of universal love is supposed to look like, at this point. At this moment. In a precise way. In a romantic way. For most of my life, I saw that as a good friend you happened to be ravenously attracted to, ideally in mind, body, and spirit. That there are always varying degrees of that: like a whole package sort of attraction. You take in everything about that person and savour and observe and feel it meticulously, in the ways that come to you automatically and instinctively, and then, perhaps in the ways that require some conscious effort and attention. There is what's there in the present moment, everything that there is to take in. To take in and to be taken in.

For a little bit, I had the hope of something more, being understood and felt and seen more than I ever had before, more than I ever thought possible. Maybe I could get a little bit more of what I gave out, that I wanted to give out more of. Now, I don't even know what this all means anymore, except I give and give to the best of my ability. Sometimes, it's not much at all. I want to give freely or not at all.

I don't spend that much energy thinking about what I could get back, but anyway, in my case, I would probably have to foster it from scratch ("you get what you give"). Either I'm not there yet, or perhaps that's not going to end up on the itinerary.

On some level, I still avoid people because I have this tendency to attune to people and to make it not just about myself and my experience in a very total way. It's instinctive and has been with me since childhood, and although I had grown more disconnected emotionally from people over time, that instinct to attune is always there. I have this desire to pay attention in a very intense and total way (although not too intense, you want to attune to people's energy overall, like a sort of mirroring that you do consciously and instinctively to whatever degree), to the sort of feelings and thoughts people are projecting, what they are hiding or holding back, their body language, overall vibe and mood, etc. And then I respond directly based on this; I will try to take care of people or make them feel happier or more energetic. So I look back at my life and find many cases that I am doing a lot of the heavy lifting socially. Running around watching people, looking out for their needs, except in the cases that I have made an effort to go against it. Mirroring also means people's closed-off-ness too. I don't mean that I feel like a doormat exactly, but I am just generally responsible for my own energy levels and also time.

Say you believe in and can manifest indefinite amounts of high energy. Well, there is still the issue of time in the practical, daily sense of the word.

It doesn't help that much with this work of thinking, processing, and reframing, as it is seen here... almost by definition, I have to withdraw to do it, in cycles. Mostly, I need to be at a different wavelength which is being completely attuned to my own processes (mirroring myself in a way), and I can't do this if I'm constantly (as a sort of tendency that is preconscious) attuning myself to other people, and people are also subconsciously demanding my attention (and then on some level I am responding to this because I am wired towards this deeply). So I am attuning to them in the ways that I have been very good at it, starting from when I was very young, but I am not necessarily receiving the same or similar thing back at all. It can feel like it's my energy going someone else's way unidirectionally. If you have no expectations, then I suppose there is no conflict.

Instinctively though, I really like being around people. (Despite whatever issues I have in my life. Despite that people can really act like suck sometimes. :D) Intrinsically, I am a very social person; I like being hyperconnected. Life didn't work out that way though.

I don't mind giving more than I get, but... priorities.

 

Edited by modmyth
I need a screen break.

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GLYPHING// 1 WEEK: The further I open up my heart and dissolve, the more there is residual personal pain (in a hammer in the face, all at once kind of way, which means it's 'out of time'), the more there is collective pain, the more there is no pain at all. I give myself 1 WEEK (an arbitrarily short time period of glyphing to open myself up much much more and to work with all, more directly, as is).

I place glyphs over my heart (and sometimes my head) and hold an intention there for an indefinite period of time, until it feels right to stop. I face it in direct consciousness again, to whatever the limit is of what's possible (this time in a much less violent way). Let's see what I can do.

Mostly, grandiose, open pain doesn't intimidate me, at least there is comfort in honesty if you surrender deeply to it enough. (This is probably why I'm inclined to turn things into fights, to force conflict into the open, and then to deal with it from there.)

 

Edited by modmyth
"pain body" or w/e

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IN THE SHADOW OF A FORMER OBSESSION 2: Let's just hash this out as directly as possible.

I keep overlaying negative perspectives on purpose onto you, which essentially amounts to blame, for what amounts to strategic self-preservation. Maybe it's just become another habit at this point; but I am very cautious for good reason. Earlier this year, over and over again, I didn't want to blame, even as I was aware that this was exactly what I doing. Like it was utterly impossible to avoid. I know this isn't the right response ultimately (obviously), and yet when I find myself turning toward you again (why are you always there? Oh right, in psychic space, there is no concept of escaping or avoiding anyone, the surest way to do it is to simply disconnect altogether and to stop feeling in that way.)

When I turned towards you, was feeling or sensing you in some way, or there was something that reminded me of you, associating with you disconnects me from myself, almost by force. I find myself splitting up into pieces again, as if falling apart at the seams in a very literal way. I mean, I was turning against my own heart and experiencing myself as distinctly different beings or perspectives that do not meet, and I was fighting a literal war with myself. I was turning against my own core. I let myself identify with you too strongly. I wanted to give myself up in a way that I did not dare to before. I wanted to know what it would feel like. I thought you were the one that it made sense to do that for. You knew what that was like, right? You did the same thing, didn't you? Couldn't I have some kind of faith for once that our perspectives would meet in some kind of sensical way?

If I had to break myself and be broken, you would be there afterward, wouldn't you? Where were you? …

We ceased speaking the same language entirely, but then we had stopped for quite some time. (Sometimes, I have wondered if we only make sense at a distance to each other, or when everything is completely in order; so, totally unified perspective.)

As time went on, to side, identify, or associate with you, was to by definition, side against myself. I kept trying to because I felt the desire to. It drew me back into a state where I felt like I didn't exist, I didn't matter, I wasn't seen or heard or felt, I couldn't communicate properly. In general, just dying in plain sight. I kept negating my own self-preservation instinct. Desire.

You said you felt that way. That I made you feel that way. I wanted to understand what that felt like on some level, not that I was any stranger to that 'dying in plain sight' experience. Alienation. This was something different; because you were; I let you be. I let you in. You didn't realize how much I let you in, did you?

At the end of last September, I left the echo infinity chamber (mostly of hell). You seemed to have moved on in a celebratory way just fine. I thought that would be the end of things there; what else could there possibly be between us ever again? What do you even need me for? What could we possibly have to talk about now? Didn't you just go do whatever it was that you wanted? What do you need my opinion or perspective for about anything? Clearly how I actually feel makes no difference. I spent most of that time before trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing. It took me quite a while to wrap my brain around the disbelief: so this is what you chose in free consciousness? Or you thought this is what I really wanted you to do; as if that actually mattered at all? Who knows why you do anything? What makes it so that you choose to focus on some aspect of what I was saying as opposed to another (like some things get passed cleanly through the filter of perception, and other things, it seems like you never received or realized at all)?

To what degree did you take me very literally or just completely ignore what I was saying (or trying to say) altogether? Why are you so tone-deaf?

And why am I so shitty at expressing my feelings directly, the more intense they get?

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IN THE SHADOW OF A FORMER OBSESSION 3:

Maybe this is completely meaningless now, but I took a look at what had gone wrong in the past between us, and to the best of my very meticulous but human ability, and I thought: we can definitely sort this through. It will be different this time. There is no reason that it couldn't be. I have spent pretty much whole life, especially since about 15, consciously trying to reevaluate my own tendencies or to address my own weaknesses in a sense. I have aggressively avoided many of my natural excesses. This and trying to survive was very much a fulltime project. A job.

Anyway. I still didn't know exactly what to do. What do I do? I am so used to being absolutely certain about what exactly to do next. For most of my life, that's been to simply deal with what life has presented to me to the best of human ability. To sort out of all my baggage, mainly, as best as I can. To figure out what exactly I'm to do with the rest of my life: my life's work. For whatever reason I instinctively knew that I would not be able to start until after 30; like I wouldn't be ready; it just wasn't possible.

Spring 2017: I still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but I feel so amazingly optimistic. A lot of past life memories are coming back to me from different time periods. Before, that I just had a handful of them. (I always have had this approach towards past life memories: let them come to you, usually, if they do, they are meant to serve a purpose. Otherwise, don't force the shoe to fit the foot, probably you are projecting needlessly at this point; being motivated in this way is how you're most likely to start bending and distorting the truth). I have trouble sleeping because you're here. You're here... I can't believe you would remember me still.

If it was me, I probably would forget me. ... (I mean seriously, what did I actually do that was worth remembering from then?)

But you didn't. It means the world to me. (I don't think I deserve this though.)

I am confused and overwhelmed by the raw intensity of what I'm feeling. Desire. I barely can keep up with the processing of it. I actually wake up feeling excited, like I have a reason to wake up. Because you're here. Because you believe in me, somehow. So I have seen these ways that you've seen and felt what is in me... could be said to be less than ideal, which causes problems. Somehow, that makes me feel more trusting. Like my faith in you is well placed; so this isn't blind idealism then. It's just allowing myself to be optimistic, for once. It's not fair.  I can't believe that I get to wake up feeling this way. This must be some kind of trick?

I wanted you so badly that I could barely think. Barely breathe. I can't explain it, but this time was different. So I believed. I managed to keep it together mostly my whole life in this way, although I've always been intense. This was different. I believed. If I didn't, I would have at least theoretically been able to walk away without completely fucking myself up.

I feel seen. I felt heard. For once in my life. (And it's true, this is the first time I really feel like maybe it's all been worth it?) And then inevitably, this tends to come with the weight of ridiculously grandiose and covert expectations, doesn't it?

I let it be special. I let you be my world; even if I failed to show it properly at all. I let myself believe in the possibility of something more in the future, even if somehow it didn't work out right then. I let myself stop thinking of myself as just one person; I decentered myself. I opened myself up to the best of my ability. I was never able to separate from that properly, apparently. I put it all out of my mind as best as possible to focus on my essential purpose, which I have actually prioritized above everything else: what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?

Anyway, I hated you for making me believe in you. For making me feel like that in retrospect. How was I not supposed to believe in you? And, what kind of memories did you leave me with exactly? I blamed you for that also. Why would I want to remember anything at all? Or to have to deal with you in the present in any way? 

Edited by modmyth
So if I unravel this publicly, will I finally be entirely free of this?// I guess this can keep getting passed back and forth.

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IN THE SHADOW OF A FORMER OBSESSION 4:

Actually, I valued you more than I ever managed to show. Clearly it wouldn't be not obvious from the amount of complaining I've done about this. Which I, at least initially, keep wishing that I didn't feel inclined to do at all. When is this going to be over? When it is it going to end?

giphy.gif

No, it's true. I don't know how to show you what you meant.

I just keep talking about the way you made me feel, which was mostly 'negativity' in retrospect. Mostly, this is all I have been able to get out of it in retrospect, up to now. It seems strange and inappropriate to speak positively about you now, but I suppose it is actually feasible now, considering you so very formally moved on. I can at least speak in past tense when it comes to love. Enough has either been cut or burnt away.

Say there exists something which isn't capable of being destroyed by either time, separation, or negative emotions, or even my best attempts to destroy what's left. My expectations and desires and hope clearly was not it. Because I have been trying to do that. No, I haven't always been fully on board. Whatever remains now, is truly what's indestructible, isn't it?

Why on earth do we have to do this?

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IN THE SHADOW OF A FORMER OBSESSION 5:

I thought you were incredibly beautiful, that time had made you more beautiful. And more interesting. Whatever you thought was an issue with yourself, I didn't see you in that way. I didn't want to see you that way. I wanted to see everything about you, and love you idealistically anyway. I did. I thought you could tell that this was very much in my mind constantly.

I spent more time looking for things about myself that needed 'fixing' and healing that projecting that outwards towards you. I deliberately avoided focusing on my trauma too directly. I thought I would have been poisonous to you if I was too open, and then I would force you to deal with it for me. Do you realize that a good amount of my distance and standoffishness is directly a result of that? It was some combination of it being 'ugly' and thinking you couldn't handle what my life had been like, feeling directly how I felt. Maybe that's not a fair assumption, but even if you could have handled it, I hate being a burden. At the time, I didn't want to be looked at with a certain kind of concern that would have felt too much like pity.

You were beautiful to look at. Beautiful to feel. I got addicted. You brought me pleasure and pain in that way. I don't think you realized. That when I felt like I had you, that you wanted to be had, it was difficult. But so so good. Maybe I had to stop looking at you directly for that reason alone. It hurt.

Nothing in my life had really prepared me for feeling quite like that. (It didn't help that I spent the last almost 10 years being walled off and disconnected.)

I valued you. I thought you were it. I thought you were a big fucking deal and I couldn't face it too directly. I valued your work. It mattered to me; it's just that I can't look at it directly at all anymore, ok? It causes me pain. It made me feel like I mattered so much, and then after a certain point, I felt like I didn't matter at all. You became a hazard risk. I also don't think you interpreted most of my negative reactions correctly at all. I don't think, for example, that you were being creepy and obsessive. That implies you weren't wanted. You very much were. I thought about you all the time. I deflected from it.

Why on Earth did you think I didn't want you?

I thought it was so obvious how I felt about you. I started wondering if you found a lot of shit about me that you really just didn't end up liking, and again, if we only make sense from a distance. You know, interesting from a distance, but not so good to look at up close? I had that thought, here and there. I kept putting it out of my mind. 

You know, say you feel fine, relatively speaking, in one area of life. Not that insecure. And then, someone draws all these sort of insecurities out of you that I didn't even know you had. That you feel like you've never developed the coping skills to deal with. It feels like it's too much, too suddenly; it's far too close and too present. You might feel claustrophobic if it wasn't all hitting you so quickly you don't have time to react in a deliberated way. You don't want it to stop, you want to keep feeling... the heart wants to keep seeing the world in colour... So I was trying to figure out how to process it while processing everything else? At a certain point, my brain kind of shut down and I had to figure out what to focus on, what to prioritize on. Whatever rational part of my brain that was still working.

Anyway, But someone has to look out for me. Apparently that's me, even if during that time period, I sucked at it. I stopped being so careful. If there's one thing I won't allow, it's to leave this Earth without doing what I came here to do.

 

Edited by modmyth
We're kind of both idiots. The end.

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IN THE SHADOW OF A FORMER OBSESSION 6// BLAME: (ISFO? shitty acronym!)

So we're stuck then resolving this absolutely in a karmic sense. Let's have it. Absolute resolution.

Say on an absolute level, we're all connected. Say on some level, you won't leave me alone, or I can't leave you alone because there are unresolved feelings. You know the drill. The more you clear out psychic space in an absolute way, the more that whatever remains as an unresolved issue, tends to bring itself starkly into focus. It's like the elephant in the ever-emptying room.  The elephant that refuses to escort itself out of the room.

Say I have to be able to say what I've previously been unwilling to say. Say that I have done this over and over which is one of the reasons why I started Confessionals, that I have been doing my best to commit to it even though it makes me look like >insert unflattering description<. If you want to know the truth, the truth will be here, to the best of my ability to write it down. I have said there near the beginning of that journal that I lie; because I am used to adapting socially and social artifice, hiding certain things from myself in way that I mostly have been for most of my life (as in, deeply ingrained and unconscious habits), and smoothing things over in a way that comes naturally to me. You know, it takes a lot of effort and unwrapping through many layers to get as close as possible to the core of the spirit of truth, with whatever I share in words; surely the spirit comes through.

Yes, everything not done in absolute consciousness, with some degree of disintegration? I have classified this as a lie; not the absolute truth. Maybe it is a truth, but it does not communicate properly.

If you want the truth, you'll find it one way or another now.

I have felt so much hate and dislike for you at times, specifically blame, that I have found myself distasteful at many times, in a way that I did not find myself before. Do you know what's strange? In some ways, you were the hardest one at all. Not my parents or family, and yea, that's been a mess. Not some of my shittiest friends in the past (this here is linked to sexual trauma). You. (I did say I wanted to understand you as deeply as I could; so I anticipate that I am very much reaping what I sowed here; without having. To know the weight of what you're risking but to do it anyway, even if you can't articulate what exactly is at risk? That's faith. I had faith in you.  You didn't even ask for it, did you? Did you even want that? Probably not like that.)

I also hate the woman you're with just by default, and I dislike that I feel that way; at times, I have hated myself. I find it ugly. And yet, apparently, it took a few times for me to get this right, side with myself or fall into pieces (see above). I choose survival in the most literal, rawest, psychoemotional sense. Yes, I let myself be pushed that far before I indulged in my reactiveness. Anyway, it could be any other woman, and I would hate her just as much. I didn't know that I was going to be like this or that it was going to turn out this way. Again I have never been like this before.  Anyway, I find it ugly because as far as I know, she didn't do anything in particular to deserve hate; it could be someone else and I would probably hate her too. I find myself wanting to pick her apart and I restrain myself strongly. If I compare myself directly with another woman in such a petty spirit; I've already lost. It's not in my lexicon and It's not even worth going there; it is beneath me for the most part; except for survival. Even then, I have to think about it; sometimes I have picked 'being virtuous' in my own mind over 'hate'. My life or my pride, my image, and the chance of being unnecessarily hurtful? It has gotten ridiculous at times. My own heart schooled me rather aggressively.

You understand this is all very highly restrained, right?

Like, I might push the boundaries of taste in my writing at times, I cuss a lot and am extremely blunt. But you know what I don't compromise much at all on when it comes to? Ethics and integrity. I value being completely consistent across the board as much humanly as possible. Like, I value being the best I can be, and I want other people to be the best that they can be. That kind of petty spirit above makes me feel gross. And apparently, this issue with you has given me a lot more to deal with that previously wasn't on my radar at all.

I do not like to blame. It doesn't come easily or naturally to me. I have had a hard time blaming those that perhaps deserve the most blame in my life (not that I play this game of 'deserving blame' too much if I can help it; it's a game where no one wins ultimately. Congratulations, you deserve blame! So I win the award of being spiteful. Great.) Yet with you, I feel the desire to blame compulsively which crops up in intervals, which I then want to keep suppressing. I have to keep running consciously against my own grain in order to release the impulse that I find myself wanting to react against in a different way: walk away from it, try to interpret things in a more positive way with reality as it presents itself, or just call it stupid and move on.  So I blame you and make a show of it. Sort it out in the open. Practice that principle of openness.

By the way, I thought you were the complete package deal. I was impressed with you. I never would have been that attracted to you otherwise, you idiot. I had barely stopped or been interested in that much too deeply this lifetime before then, very little moved me, and I didn't let very much move me either (fatigue, survival). But you moved me, and you moved me so very deeply. Which brings me to this: so I watched you evolve a lot and address a lot of issues... but how is it that you've managed to be that dense here?

It's been so hard for me to wrap my mind around this, that I perpetually come to the conclusion that you just don't give a shit and somehow you never have. It just makes no goddamned sense to me.

Anyway, normally this comes up for an hour or two and I purge it out of my system, and then. *POOF* things are back to normal. It's on to something else.

***The more directly you deal with something, the less you deflect and spread it out over time. Which I do not have time for. Who gives a shit about how it looks. I care about effectiveness.

***There's something almost like an Oedipal tragedy in what happened to me with you: if I was the fortune teller that anticipated my own death, and then I killed myself instead of killing someone else through a serious of really unfortunate setups. "Fate". 

 

Edited by modmyth

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AIMLESS REFLECTIVE THOUGHTS// LONELINESS// THOUGHTS OF THE HEART:

Is there anything more alienating than being alone but with someone? (Or alone while with a large group of people?)

Sure, maybe it's drawing out a latent sense of loneliness and isolation. Right now, I feel like I can't relate to people. (How much of this is socialization and the isolation that I've both chosen and has been forced upon in this life? How much of this is something deeper within the marrow of my soul, beyond the circumstance and provocations of this life?)

You were almost within reach. So I believed. So it probably was a perpetual delaying of the inevitable. Did I make this (via shitty LOA) or was it destined to turn out this way? Who can tell the difference at a certain point between the projected and the projector, when you ascend the chain of hyperawareness? (They call this oneness.) ….

You left me nothing to hold onto. Physically, I feel empty. My fingers felt deprived of the physical touch. That lack of connection. Suppose I could just fill in all the gaps with my imagination. I can't live that way; how do people manage like this for years and years? What people spend years, decades holding onto, I seem to burn through in such a short period of time. How do people manage this? How do people's physical bodies sustain this weight without crumbling entirely? (Sometimes I think about the delicacy of this entire operation we call life.)  What do we do other than survive this?

Anyway, it seems like I had been holding onto myself mostly this whole time. The propensity towards self-indulgence turns into delusion at the slightest turn of awareness. Like the quietest click, where in a moment of self-absorption, you don't notice it. You were too busy staring at the mirage, and absorption into it for even a split second. That's the hamartia.

Here I am, looking at every human and personal tendency and calling it a hubris, while also magnifying and celebrating it. This humanness. The sentimentality. This blindness.

They call it blindness and it really is just an immersion. An unselfconscious, glorious immersion and total commitment to one's experience, to the point of amnesia. A profound communion, as profound as anything.

I'm wondering if I'm speaking obtusely again, as if in riddles. I wonder if I should just stop this, stop this simultaneous writing and thinking. Maybe I should just go down lie down and let myself go comatose for a while and bathe in the waters of oblivion. There's a certain kind of abject self-negation I find refreshing.

I wake up, and I find myself in another place. As if I've destroyed myself painlessly and instantly, and woke up to find myself in another place and in another body, psychoemotionally. As if I destroyed and then replicated myself. Like I keep doing this all the time, over and over again, constantly.

Edited by modmyth

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