modmyth

ARS AMORATA: A Descent into Vulnerability

188 posts in this topic

Yet another journal! I'm specifically covering this topic of love in a more focused way, and tying together these different strings in a relevant manner, for our current timespace, and wanting to bridge together the following topics into something more cohesive.

Honestly, this is probably the area where I'm the most fragmented at the moment, and just... hurt.

So it will cover everything related to self love, universal love (or what I've been calling love proper), romantic love (even though I have been putting it down really aggressively, but still I feel like I cannot leave it all where it is, no matter what the outcome of my life is. It's just not right.) Also, the spiritual heart, its messages, and powers associated with it (attunement, consecration, core essences....). I guess... even elemental consecration, as a personal sacred ritual of the highest significance to me personally.

What's going to be the exact outcome of this? I don't know, exactly. (Everything I've done at least somewhat overlaps with everything else.) Suppose this idea and tendency to centre love around what it is NOT must go, and had to go eventually. I continue this articulation.... this search (for what I am already perfectly aware of), compilation, and integration of the positive expression of values here (in the Nietzschean sense, which is probably not where anyone was expecting to hear his name, haha). I feel this is the next step.

I didn't learn anything of love when I was very young... even though I was conscious absolute love and aware of this. I haven't been so open. First there were few opportunities to give and receive authentically, and as more time passes, more and more, you become surrounded in layers and layers of armor. By the time I was in teenagehood, I went from being very afraid to very angry. So... maybe this is the most radical thing I've done so far, in a way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great topic. Having troubles with that. 

Well I had. Vulnerability as a man. Somehow society doesn't allow you that. Had father who didn't allowed me to cry. 

"Don't cry, man don't cry". Well I do agree to some extent. 

Anyway great journal will follow. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@zeroISinfinity Yea, it seems like we both had that issues. Sometimes in the past I've been told, you're female, you're allowed to cry in public and feel more comfortable doing so, because society is ok with that. Not really. I think the family and the immediate surroundings you grow up in supersedes everything else.

I also learned when I was young, don't cry in public. Don't cry in front of your family (it's pretty much always a weakness and a lack of self control). Just don't cry, ideally. And if you do, do it where no one will see you.

Also in some cultures more than others, really strong expressions of emotion of any sort are frowned upon. Even if it's just inappropriate enthusiasm or excitability.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

PLANETARY COMMUNION// A TRANSIENT POETIC MOMENT: I was staring at Venus tonight, while sitting on top of a concrete barrier, and feeling the spirit of it entering me fully. Enveloping me on the inside. There is no sense of distance between all this, the night sky, and myself. So striking, to be a container for these energies. In a spirit of absolute peace and focus. I am transparent; I am a porous container for this. A divining rod pointed toward the sky.

My neighbour who is grey haired and very beardly, who I rarely see (he seems reclusive?) has apparently been watching me very intently trancing out, staring at the morning star for who knows how long. It too, somehow feels like a moment of communion that he shared with me; like a second hand communion. I can't explain it otherwise. I make eye contact and smile at him (a rare thing lately), for no other reason than simply because he is, and because he was watching me, as I was there, while watching like that.

He takes a few steps back so that he's hidden behind his foliage fence and his car, and then he's gone.

Edited by modmyth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

"BLISS": I've decided to make a conscious effort to post in this journal, for the intentional and extremely focused purpose of developing my own practice of self love (whatever you want to call it). My heart very much needs this. I mean... it always has, but it's the primary issue which makes everything else work properly, at this point.

*Well, I feel very positive and excited for reasons I can't fully explain, as if ideas in their raw symbolic form are moving far faster than my ability to put anything into words, and so, this particular entry might come out a bit slower than usual. (in retrospect, very much dampened by my post in Confessionals today. There's a phenomenally strong reason to leave the past as the past, if you can finally afford to do it...)

*EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT: Theoretically, it's a snap of the fingers, or one breath. It can be that effortless. To refocus myself and fall within this strange but intensely familiar portal where there is no difference between stability and rapidly moving thought and energy. What is chaos? What is oblivion at this point? I am losing the perception of it entirely. There is everything that is, in raw and glorious reality. I fill my cup to this, and drink to it.

*WE ARE ALL OPEN PORTALS: It would be a privilege and a blessing to inhabit and witness the consciousness of others directly now at this point, or just give me a little more time, so I can live completely as you, as your life has been. As I am now or as I am approaching this, consciously.

*THE HEART IS A SUN (energetically speaking).

Cultivating self love: Basic stuff. The sitting and lying down work tends to be very focused on discipline and developing specific skills. 1) Energetic, ritualistic dancing in my room. Music, and the intense attention and appreciation to the qualities and soul of music itself (this seems to have fallen by the way side since I was a teenager, although it's not like I stopped listening.) Singing and playing music as a way of embodying the divine spirit (in voice) and consecrating myself in this way. Conscious attunement to music in general.

2) Sexual energy should ideally take on this conscious attunement as well. Although I... honestly lack the vocabulary to explain what's going on here, exactly. Is it an energetic conversion process, or is it simply noticing more deeply and expansively what is intrinsic in sexual energy, which is intrinsic in all energy? No difference one way or another ultimately. LOVE.

LOVE IS... orgasmic energy manifest, as it flows from the lower energy centres and into the heart (here the higher heart can transmute it, apparently. More on this later?). And then, as it fills the mind too, in this state.

LOVE IS … we cultivate the drinking and sipping of it, the consumption, and the appreciation of it, in and from our own hearts, and from others. The ebbs and flows. The joy and pleasure of having someone drink from you, in this way. Energetically speaking, as it is there available in every moment. (What ever blocks your way?)

Edited by modmyth
1 + 2 specifically. Focus is on creating a lot of energy// highs. etc.// take a shot of reishi, raise the energy ceiling high enough to at least dent it a bit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

BLESSINGS:// A little less trickster/ subversive spirit here, a little more directness: 1 AM I HAVE TOO MUCH ENERGY TO SLEEP, EVERYONE IS AWESOME AND GREAT OK??

*May the spirit, the heart and soul, of this planet be elevated and brought into conscious focus and awareness. May we come to apprehend direct the true soul and spirit of this planet. This universe. Of everything that lies “above”/ beyond.

*Animal consciousness: may we come to understand and see animal consciousness directly through our own eyes, and so, we will be able to make decisions about animal stewardship properly as a result.

*TRUE EMPATHY: May we understand truly what it means to walk in someone else's, anyone else's shoes, truly.

*May all traumas and unconsciousnesses on this planet be resolved, at every level, hidden and visible. In the many dimensions. All pasts, and all projected and imaginary futures. THERE IS ONLY ONE FUTURE (and it's now).

*May the governments and all institutions in this world come into a state of absolute consciousness, transparency, and resolution. May all that's obsolete and corrupt be dissolved now.

*May all unconsciousness and suffering everywhere be resolved and dissolved.

*May we all stop playing psychoemotional, personal, cultural games of all sorts (except when me must really want and need to, for whatever reason). May this all stop suddenly and painlessly, and dead in its tracks.

*May consciousness and awareness in its most pure form wake up in the heart-minds of everyone everywhere. May the spirit of absolute love and illumination be absolute present and mature in everyone now. (SO IT IS.)

*Here's to everyone having a hell of a time here on Earth, even if it's been served with a heady dose of tears and suffering, confusion and pain. Here's to joy and to laughter at the craziness of it all.

Edited by modmyth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

On transformation through embracing conflict directly:

as the great poet/ rapper Eyedea said:

Quote

But time taught me how to see every second as Heaven
Even though they're perfectly disguised as Hell
And I refuse to let past bruises cover the light
It ain't all good, but it's all good enough, so I know I'm alright
Agony is truth, it's our connection to the living
I accept it as perfection and keep on existing in the now

I can only build if I tear the walls down
Even if it breaks me, I won't let it make me frown
I'm falling, but no matter how hard I hit the ground
…I'll still smile
I can only build if I tear the walls down
Even if it breaks me, I won't let it make me frown
I'm falling, but no matter how hard I hit the ground
…I'll still smile

(I would say RIP again, but I can definitely picture him having reincarnated as a wide-eyed child somewhere, in a completely different upbringing and life circumstance. I truly hope he's far less tortured on this reroll.)

Not that I'm exactly steeped in this mindset myself at this moment, but as a sort of memorium for my past self and way of living-thinking-feeling.

Edited by modmyth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

QUESTIONS/ stream-of-consciousness:

SHAPESHIFTER: My heart, at times, seems to be changing form inside my chest. I want to express more off-the-cuff thoughts, and at times, it feels like the opposite of self-loving to not be doing so. All of these journals feel so structured, at times. So I can't really say what I want to say at that moment unless it's on theme/ on brand. (If I was a brand, what the hell would I be at this point?)

My heart feels like a knotted mass of questions that I haven't yet bothered to ask, but I already know the answer to. All answers end in silence, in the moment after.

All of these questions end in one answer, one outcome. The outcome of this world has been set in motion millennia ago. The seeds of an intention ALWAYS have the outcome in it. Say, I have seen the shape of these things tracking through time? You lose the concept of time, and then there's everything that ever happened, will happen simultaneously. 2000 years ago, the outcome was set. 5000 years ago, it was. 10000 years ago. And on and on. Diverging from the dreamtime of possibilities. Like air molding itself into clay in the shape of "humanness" as we understand now. Draw lines. Draw boundaries. Draw maps (of the ground, of the psyche). SAY WHAT PSYCHE IS, CALL IT INTO BEING. Say I have thrown my questions across lifetimes. My body is thrown at an oak tree, in runic form. In my last life, it shatters, I die physically. In this life, I have destined myself to die over and over, while still in body. Civilization is a question, a stream of possibilities diverging from a unified source.

Once, these tethers came out from my heart, and you all along with it, say I am you and you are me, and we are one will. A crown tens of thousands of years old sits on my head, has been taken off, and has been thrown in shattered fragments across the world. I have been talking to these pieces and recalling them as if they were sentient (in the way that all things are). Nothing is quite like where I came from. The atmosphere and all embodiments burn with solar energy, and I am burning out of my eyes and my pores just recalling it.

I have been talking to the wind and the ground since I was a little girl. Private languages. Private universes. No one to share it with except the shadows, and then, these questions and presences thrown across time, manifesting as shapes in the Everpresent.

There is a love in the beginning that doesn't know what its name is, so it doesn't call itself anything at all.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

LOVE: I never feel lonely in nature. The trees and the air are always speaking. The water is speaking. The ground wells up from me. And I am listening, drinking. Speaking back.

The presence is a constant caress. My natural porousness is filled with 'like', so there is no need to cover up with one thing or another. One day, it's a halfconscious but deliberate block to the head and to the heart, another day thoughts like layers of excuses. Covering me up in paper mache layers. You close your eyes and breathe shallowly to draw attention away from this fact: you can't really even breathe or feel properly anymore. Thoughts expel themselves like dead ends.

I don't know why. There is a deadness in this house I grew up in, and in this zone, I can't help but turn away and look back at myself, over and over and over again. There used to be something like an infinity mirror setup there, and I would sit between it and use it to torment myself. Like with those images of my physical body, also my thoughts bounce back and forth ad infinitum until I myself can no longer identify them on sight: instant existential crisis. Loneliness. Thoughts bouncing back and forth within confined dead space.

The wind always seemed to be asking me questions. I feel where you've been, rather literally. Your consciousness; as I am. And you are blowing inside me so I am filled with you, your element, and blowing me back into life and vitality. This stagnation is blown out of me, and its spirit follows me back into the deadzone, it protects me. There's no love in here. I feel a sense of shame and embarrassment recognizing inside myself, in my own physical self as a child, as if I had somehow seen and partaken in the most impossibly pornographic thing, because it is that inappropriate for this space. This intimacy with myself that I keep walled off and contained. There is something deeply erotic about it that I can't explain because I don't even have the language for it at this point in my childhood.

There is no room for that feeling here, is there? Instinct and fear says no, according to everything that I have known here. I am unable to recognize that feeling with my environment here. I am embarrassed to look at it too directly, as if I have committed some crime by stumbling upon it.

I go deeper into it, and I wall myself off even more from the Outside.

 

Edited by modmyth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ACID LEAVES OF GRASS/ PLANETARY HYMN:

Once, I fell in love with an entire planet, so I married it. There is joy in seeing yourself burnt across the skyline, the joy of being as is, in all the small and vast places. To forget this distinction and then the other. Lose yourself, then come back into the human word of judgment and distinction, of segregation. In all the small dead zones. Like stagnant pools that eventually lose themselves in the rising waterline or what will evaporate on a hot day.

My heart is the molten core of this planet, the atmosphere here is to be blanketed in aural layers. (I feel my heart in there, resonating with my heart in my body.) Gravity is a love that binds me up in electromagnetic seams. I feel this beating through the threads, wherever I walk, and in my sleep. (I never lose awareness or feeling of this.. being in a body, no matter what I do.)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AWAKENING IN TRANSIT// CONTAINERISM (also circa mid 2016, but written a couple months earlier.)

You come to sit down beside me, and I take the occasional, halfhearted, sidelong glances at you. Black patchy beard, long legs awkwardly crammed into the limited leg space. I have never seen you on this bus before, I don't think. At some point, I become aware of the jauntiness between the interactions of our physical bodies. There is an impertinence to the way your elbows juts into mine, ever so slightly, and the way your leg presses against mine. I sense that you want to be acknowledged, that you want to be seen, and that you may have this desire in the forefront of your awareness. And so, for people in the modern world on transit, so keen on getting from one axis in space and time to another, you are hooked into your phone, with fingers that touch receive sensation and ears that receive sound, but an emptiness in your soul remains, as if you are in a dark space, walking parallel to the movement of your body and thoughts, imagining yourself (literally having images in your head) as "you", the story of you. A most auspicious superstition which gives flavour and depth and resonance to the quality of our lives, even when our stories trap us in an infertile void, with no end in sight.

I sense on the periphery of my awareness, a rapid flash of intuition easily missed, that I have the opportunity to be with you, to accept you for what you do, the baggage you hold within you, your fears, and your dreams.... even though I know almost nothing about you. I don't know what you love most. I don't know how much I will admire or respect you based on the desires you will choose to follow, or fears you will run away from, as if those infinite worlds of possibilities are folding out into reality before you, inescapably playing out before you in intricate detail the worst possible scenarios.

This is an adventure I choose to embark on, simply to see what happens. After all, I know what happens when I am sitting beside a complete stranger, and I define the walls in my psyche as the walls between your body and mine – perfectly self-contained skin, encasing the contents of my mind and emotions, a moving obelisk. And even if I become conscious of my porousness, the way I am inhaling the air you are exhaling, the way my body tingles with the warmth and vitality of energy that is mine but not mine, well, I can just shut that down. I can focus on the line. I can focus on the negative space that is my body, the not-you, the not-that, and that is the "me". Then I can do my best to forget that I made this choice in the first place, because I never really wanted to be confronted with this choice, to have reality thrust itself into my awareness again and again. No. I'm sensitive. And I want to know what control feels like, the certainty of it, because the bloody iron taste of powerlessness has never left my mouth. But it's been on my mouth all my life, that I am no longer conscious of tasting it. The tint and smell of it remains, colouring my every experience and thought. It is negative space, the unincluded, unconsciousness.

But this time, I choose to focus on all the things I ignore. When I become aware of the air between my body and yours, I focus on how I am breathing in the air you are breathing out, and likewise, you are also breathing in my air. I focus on the idea of the boundary-line between your body and mine, and I soften into that boundary. My muscles relax. My breathing slows down and deepens. Who are you? I ask myself? What you do want?

See me.

Ok, I see you there, in that dark mental space. Alone but surrounded by people.

Accept me.

Ok. I accept you for whatever it is that you have done, are doing, will do. And I forgive you.

But I have done terrible things. And you don't even know what I will do, because you don't know what I'm going to chose. I haven't even decided yet what I'm going to do.

That's true. I don't know what you're going to do. That's not my domain. But it's within my power and ability to say, whatever you've done, it's ok. You're ok. You're worth accepting, and I am going to sit here and observe you, conscious and unconscious, without looking for flaws or qualities that I find particularly gratifying, and I will hold you in my gaze for as long as I can before I get off this bus.

Here is my soul is speaking to your soul, as I look out the window, admiring the profound beauty and visual brilliance of the sunlight touching the sights that are easily seen each time I go to work. At times, I feel tired, and nearly out of my body. I feel the energy of you consciousness and your self in psychological dark space, spilling into a me that has little to do with the ideas of the boundaries of my physical body, or other mental pictures and concepts of myself. I am out of my body because I am an overflowing container. I am spilling into you too?

I have given too much of myself freely, without condition and attachment to the outcome of my actions, to think about what will happen next, about failure or success. I have given everything I can. I have not held back.

Look, I have finally arrived at my destination. My body moves, and you move so quickly, as if you have foreseen my intention, as if we are now sharing the same intentional space. I look at you. I need to get off here. You look at me, green eyes, tan skin, something in you is been shaken. You hadn't planned to be moved. I look at you. I don't try to do anything. But I can't hide what I know, and you can't either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

SPONTANEOUSNESS AND OPENNESS// Life is for the "Just Because":

If you want to be free, truly give up the desire to be understood and empathized with. By those who care about you, by those you want to care about you. Even from yourself, in the process of self-reflection and self-justification.

Truly and honestly, surrender in that fully.

Don't do one thing or the other. Speak or not speak. Or focus on one outcome or another, or think or feel one way or another. Just make the decision to stop. Lay everything down and open up.

And not like, forever, necessarily. Take a little vacation from it for a while. In the case that you've probably forgotten what it feels like.

(Do you remember what it feels like?)

(When was the last time you felt shocked and awe and wonder? At insignificance things? At nothing at all, in particular? Not because you did anything in specific that caused it directly that was intended to cause it? But just... because?)

Edited by modmyth
1pm thought

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I scanned this one through and felt a momentary shame and a desire to conceal, as I have tended to. All these small and huge sentimental things. But... I also feel as, in a way, I don't own these thoughts and sentiments anymore. They don't belong to me. Released into the ether they are. I open myself up.

I Want You (marked October 4/ 2016):

Whether I turn away from this desire or not, this desire consumes me. It's you, it's always been you. I'm hopeless. I have no choice in this wanting; the only positive outcome is to surrender to this love. I'm sometimes ashamed and embarrassed to admit to myself that thinking of you is the only reason I have get up in the morning, on an impulse gut level. No amount of shoulds can make feel this way. The power of "should", in all its crushing glory, will not ferry me to the other side. And it will not ferry me to a future where I can be with you.

Sometimes at night, I feel your eyes resting on me, even though I know in your conscious waking mind, your awareness of this, will only come back in fragments; this is the best possible outcome right now. And when you are alone, I am always with you, watching you. In spirit, we are never apart. In flesh, I can't stop this craving for you. If I hold the weight and mass of such a desire in, I find myself wondering if it will force itself out, or if it will give me ulcers. In every possible world, you are beautiful. And in every possible world, I want you, and (as cliche as this sounds), loving you is like breathing. Who am I to deny myself breath? Who am I to deny myself love either?

Edited by modmyth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Afterglow: (October 5/ 2016)

To close my eyes and sit in your shade,
Sometimes I forget how easy it is...
to be happy.
I can taste you on my tongue again,
Instantly, these 4 walls and little roof,
holding space against the expansive sky
Hold more space than I could ever fully grasp
And you, in it.
You tell me,
I know you,
Since we were two little specks of dust.
And I tell him,
You were always my favourite speck of dust,
The one I knew the best,
Whose orbit I was drawn into.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ON RESOLVING CHILDHOOD TRAUMA, AND LOVING YOURSELF: I thought this was worth reposting and preserving here, since apparently I wrote a whole damn essay about the topic.

I feel like pity is a barrier to healing, or a distraction at best. I think this might pretty a pretty common reaction amongst survivors, but I'm not sure. To be perfectly honest, I haven't even wanted to identify as a "survivor", because putting energy into that identity and solidifying it... yea, you can gain strength and meaning from that, but it also locks you into that identity, in a way. And I have never had any intention of staying in trauma ever for longer than necessary. My intention has always been to wipe the slate completely clean.

That itself can call for extremely drastic measures, but living with this kind of trauma is extreme in and of itself, so... for whatever it's worth, I've pretty much went at it alone, with the exception of the help of my partner, as in I've never gotten any professional psychiatric help. I grew up in a family where talking about these sort of things was extremely stigmatized, but to be perfectly honest, it's a personal choice as well. I don't want other people reaching in and scrambling my brain, probably by accident, in the case that they don't have a complete awareness of what they're dealing with. Then I will have to deal with the results of that, and I would rather take the risk with myself in that way. At least I have a much better chance of knowing what I'm doing, what I'm dealing with for myself, and why I'm doing it without involving other people's unconsciounesses in my most vulnerable and delicate areas of my psyche. I fully admit that I'm kind of a control freak here.  

So I get what you're saying when you say that you have issues with trauma recovery experts, even though I haven't tried any of it. It's instinctive. I have also heard that from others with direct experience as well, that notion that people get into that business because of their own issues, and in effect are looking to resolve through others what they have not yet resolved in themselves. And I am.... not a 'fix it' project.

I have actually regained some aspects of my lost memory, although to be honest, there is a very strange and hazy dreamlike quality which makes me wonder about the reality of anything from that time period. This might be the case anyway, as what happened to me happened when I was so young (as in 5 and younger) that even if I hadn't experienced trauma, it still might be hazy and dreamlike anyway. I wouldn't be sure of who it was either, except for the formal apology, and direct admission from multiple sources. To be honest, upon learning about what happening and getting the direct admission and apology, I both thought: Wow, finally I know exactly what it is wrong with me! So, a sense of relief, and now certain parties can stop pretending like this is my very vivid imagination. But also, is this is a complete joke, are you all making this up?

Developmentally, the younger you are, the more you are completely open emotionally and psychologically, and you haven't yet developed emotional and psychological rationalization skills (or, it's the barest bones stuff), so the more it is impossible to access using any kind of direct psychoemotional approach. To be honest, I rely more on muscle memory and working directly with the nervous system for this reason, but with all aspects of severe trauma and PTSD, there is pretty much always this component. 

For this reason, I've also found that wiping out negative self-image in this way (mental and emotional pictures of yourself) is absolutely not enough for this reason. You have to open up your nervous system entirely, for better and worse. And I mean entirely. Honestly, it can be absolutely the worst thing, no joke. IMO the body/ nervous system itself has a sort of intelligence when it comes to opening itself up to release trauma, but also dissociating from as well. The latter being so that you're at least semifunctional most of the time. Sometimes, it's best to go along with it, or at least not forcibly rush the process through psychologically goading yourself, or by avoiding it. (Honestly much easier said than done with the latter.)

It's important to do whatever it is to regain your own trust and sense of the sanctity of body and being, despite what anyone else tells you should or shouldn't do, feel or shouldn't feel (even if this is more an implicit rather than an explicit thing). Including developing a sense of trust in your own body and going along with it, working with and understanding dissociation. Learning not to see all these aspects of yourself as the enemy on an instinctive, gut-level, which seems to come naturally with trauma. Be on your own side, no matter what. Even when you don't want to be on your own side. Even when you feel like you're really not worth it. Really, through thick and thin.

In my case, my partner also went through significant childhood trauma, (although a different sort) so he understands the issue with safety and I understand his as well, even though our circumstances were very different. So say I have issues, he has always been very empathetic, and not just standing around cluelessly and wondering what the big deal is about, but also not feeling sorry for me and looking at me like I was some kind of trainwreck. Let's just say that our strengths complement each other, and our weaknesses also complement each other as well.

For whatever it's worth, I feel like I am mostly done with this all, if you were to look on it an absolute scale across my whole life. Although I do still have a few fears and tics leftover. It is absolutely nothing comparable to what it used to be like.

The way I see it: we're wiping out at least thousands of years worth of intergenerational trauma, the trauma of civilization, in what's going to be a comparatively very short period of time.... it's breakneck speed. Conscious communication, putting all this stuff that people haven't wanted or been willing to look directly right out in the open? That's a saving grace for all of us. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

TRAUMA RESOLUTION: I am also of the mind that everyone has some degree of psychoemotional trauma, the trauma of being human, and it's a matter of scale and degree, and functionality (how well we are adapted to our current lifestyle and surroundings). Mostly, this relates to severe trauma though.

*A LITMUS TEST: I would often open up about my trauma very quickly when I was younger, if there was a natural opening in the conversation while talking about ourselves, and then watch people very careful to see how they reacted. It's a way that I would quickly filter out people when I was a teenager (and very occasionally afterward). This seemed to make more sense when I was younger, and I would form intense bonds with people very quickly, but I wasn't sure how deeply I could or should trust them. Obviously, if a person who seems otherwise trustworthy suddenly starts turning against you (Like, are you sure you're not making this up for attention? Are you sure you weren't dressed too much like a ho or it wasn't something else that you did to provoke him?) Well then, you lost yourself a friend, but at least you're not wasting any more energy and trust on that person.

*SELF CARE RITUALS: Seriously prioritize making yourself feel safe on in an active way, as a daily ritual, as opposed to simply chronically avoiding everything that makes you unsafe. In general, seek out these positive and affirmative rituals. Like, if you have certain habits that make you feel better, do those frequently or semi-frequently even if you're not feeling terrible at that moment. Don't approach things in very a symptomatic way, as if how certain aspects of you feel only matter when they're being a problem and forcing themselves into plain conscious sight; so, approach this in a more holistic, constructive way. For example, one of my PTSD physical reactions was that sometimes I would get deathly cold no matter how warm it was, no matter how clothes I was wearing or many blankets there were.  (This was often accompanied by being unable to sleep in the middle of the night, and sometimes there was vomiting, flashbacks, just a general deathly fear. And then when I got older as a teenager, there was the usual hallucinations and psychic phenomenon, but that is just part of my normal reality.) An example of a positive habit: Since I was a very young child, often the only thing that would make me feel better emotionally and then to actually warm up within a short period of time was to have a scalding hot bath. And I do mean scalding hot. So I would keep doing this even if I wasn't feeling terrible. I also used to have a literal 'safe place', which was the woods, and even now, going there always makes me feel better than I would feel otherwise. Even if I already feel very good.

*CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (but it doesn't always come naturally): If you still feel like you have a lot of recovery to do, if you are not sure, always err on the side of a bit more rest and space than necessary. Prioritize rest and taking care of yourself in an active way over everything else: good nutrition, restorative exercise and movement, bodywork (e.g. myofascial release therapies, trigger point therapies, IMO these do help deal with the physical and nervous system aspect of trauma release). Then, there is TRE (tension and trauma release), which can and does help a lot with releasing from the sort of physical-nervous system interface (e.g. muscle memory) which is absolutely essential if you've been through any early life, severe trauma. IMO this only works properly if you are not resisting the release too much, and so, are consciously opening yourself to release in this way, and forcing and pushing the release too much doesn't really work much at all.  In my experience, this is often the slowest aspect to work itself out, both naturally and with a lot of conscious effort put into it. (after the "mind" and normal conscious emotions, after the "higher energies of spirit.) There is space to push yourself a bit, just don't burn out or fatigue yourself unnecessarily if possible overall. That means to take it easy with the working out, and all that other stuff.

*INOCULATION: In general, give yourself the space to actively and consciously experience certain latent, unpleasant emotions, or at least expose yourself to the prospect of such (e.g. fear and self-disgust) in a conscious, direct way (as much as possible, in measured and controlled increments). Like if sexual trauma is your issue, actively working through these issues with someone you can trust has been one of the most helpful things for me, say through, actually having sex. IMO it is the most direct way to decondition negative autonomic nervous reactions out of you. (examples: a fearful reaction to penetration, physical exposure (nudity), or even simple touches (not necessarily sexual)). This is obviously serious shit though, you basically have to trust this person enough with your life, your body, your well being (especially in the physical sense).

*INTEGRATION/ WHOLENESS/ HEALING: You are effectively learning how to become everything and everyone that your family never was, the people you trusted (or should have been able to trust) never were. You are learning to protect yourself in ways that were probably impossible for you when you were younger, to feel like you have constant integrity of body and spirit no matter what happens to you, and also, this includes the ways in which other people maybe should have seen/heard/felt you, but would or could not. You are clearing out all the sort of unresolved traumas that are causing certain types of people to be attracted to you in the first place, particularly when in a state of true openness, vulnerability, and exposure.

*Without necessarily being paranoid (if you can manage) it, if people are looking to help you, look at their motives and at least be conscious of them, and be a bit wary of people who are looking to "fix" you. (What unconscious/semiconscious trauma are they are trying to resolve through you; if they are conscious of what they're doing, or at least are willing to look at why they do things, then this is a very good sign. This is a highly trustworthy attribute and goes far with this sort of work.)

*NEGATIVITY: Give yourself the space to hate and feel negativity freely towards those who have hurt you, including being absolutely vitriolic in a conscious and contained way. (E.g. writing letters towards people who have hurt you, and then just never sending it.... unless for some reason, you feel like it's absolutely necessary.... Generally though, feel and experience the negativity fully, but try not to spread it if possible, yea?) In general, though, I advocate this approach. (Any version of....release it, don't hold it in, is good. Who gives a shit about how it looks.)

*AVOIDING RETRAUMATIZATION: Ideally, don't let others dictate to you how you should feel about any of this (e.g. you're overreacting about anything, or not reacting correctly to something or other), or even how you should be dealing with it (particularly if they don't get it, and if they care more about being right than they do about being truly empathetic and understanding. Tell them to back the fuck off if you can handle it or keep those people (and the possibility of this happening) far away from you. Sometimes insularity really is the best option, during certain phases in your recovery.

*CHOOSE YOURSELF/ ANTAGONISM: Also, never feel bad for being harsh when telling someone to back the fuck off. Yea, it's not ideal, obviously. But if you find yourself in the position where if you look at it directly: I must pick between prioritizing myself and this other person, pick yourself every time. If being confrontational about it is the best you can manage at that moment, so be it. Send the message to yourself that you are worth it even if it situations where you would normally just be quiet and take it as a sort of un/semiconscious ingrained habit. If you've spent a whole lifetime prioritizing others in this way, it's important to feel like you can and will stand up for yourself no matter the cost. You fucking matter. If that sometimes also goes, long with the thought process: "fuck everyone else", then fuck everyone else.

DEALING WITH REALITY// “FORGIVENESS”: Probably at some point in time, anger or a certain adversarial attitude might be necessary. If someone tells you to you should forgive your perp, like you OWE them forgiveness, tell them to go fuck themselves. Seriously. For some of us, this is actual self-love at a certain point in time.

If you find yourself in this position, probably you've tried to forgive someone and it didn't work. You don't try to forgive and then *poof*. Guess what, if this actually works, you have a sort of emotional equity (your emotional bank account is full, so you can actually afford to do this and it works). You don't need to try to be “better” than you are as if the way you feel right now needs fixing. Sometimes, when it comes to forgiving, you don't always get to let go when you want to, even if it's for its own sake. You simply give you self the space for it to happen naturally by taking care of yourself. Also, it helps to be of the mindset, forgiveness is something that you do for yourself too (letting go of all this shit). Who wants to live the rest of your life with emotional burdens like this?

Sometimes it feels impossible to think and feel otherwise, but whenever you have the choice, don't think of yourself as fundamentally broken, ok? Life has been hard enough. Be kind to yourself, and also stick up for yourself, whenever possible.

Edited by modmyth
There are two seperate sets of incidents.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

*translatingtoactiveprayer* 

🌸

 

 

Edited by Benjamin x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

ARS AMORATA/EROTICA// A SHORT CHINESE LESSON:

My mom always told me growing up that Chinese is a very poetic and dense language when it comes to words having multiple meanings, associations, both individually and separately. So you can say a lot with context and connotation, in a relatively few number of characters, in ways that is not comparable to English at all. That there are massive amounts of subtext that are often missed out on by people learning Chinese for this reason.

Anyway, I was looking at this phrase just now:

"性交" xìngjiāo ---> which means sex, as in the act of having sex. 

One of the first things I noticed was that the first word "xìng" has the radical for "heart" on the left side of the word, which in this case, is almost definitely tied to the meaning of the word alone. (Sometimes, the radical or core part of a word is only used for the sound, but not the meaning.) Alone, the word "xìng" can mean approximately: human nature, instinct, character, sex, essence, etc.

The second word is"jiāo", which means, depending on the context: mix, intersect, exchange, communicate, deliver, etc.

In Chinese, "heart" or "xīn" has a wide web of associations: heart / mind / intention / core / soul. The meaning depends very heavily on the context of how it's used, but in general, from experience and growing up around native speakers, connotation and denotation potentially casts a much wider net. Somehow a word manages to hold all these connotations while still having a specific intended meaning (denotation)...

It struck me suddenly; I found the combination of these two words rather poetic. (an "intersection of natures")

Edited by modmyth
I seem to be looking from both the inside and the outside at the same time. *My mom also told me that most wordplay in Chinese inevitably involves playing on 1) the number of associations 2) the openendness of the meanings + pushing its natural ambiguity

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So does every words hold different energy, spoken by different people. 

Yesterday I didn't even read it but have felt the darkness of a paragraph. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now