Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Raptorsin7

Honesty and Authenticity

4 posts in this topic

How do we balance authenticity and honesty with protecting our own feelings and ego and the egos and feelings of others. My family is somewhat dysfunctional, and I just got into an argument with my grandma because she was yelling at my brother to do stuff and he ignored her and left the house. Then she started just complaining out loud and getting mad. I tried arguing with her and telling her to stop telling people what to do, and how she should just let my brother do what he wants because her judgement and nagging makes things worse.

I honestly wanted to tell her that she is a miserable person and she will die unhappy and miserable like everyone else in my family if she keeps acting like that. I feel like it's a hurtful thing to say. But it's also how i feel genuinely and part of me wants to say it to her. She's not a terrible person, like she does a lot for me and has had a hard life. But it makes me mad when i see her behavior and i know that the way she acts is the reason why I have so many toxic beliefs to do. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Raptorsin7

When behavior perceived angers us, It’s because we’re resonating. It touches the nerve of our own misinterpretation, our own belief. We are holding the beliefs of separation, judgement, and need - and feeling it, but without realizing it cognitively yet. Saying such things to your grandma feels bad because you Have to first believe she’s separate, that you need her to act a certain way so you can feel ok, and then you also have to judge her.

“Part of me wants to say it to her” is fragmentation. The ego doesn’t like the feeling, because the anger felt is due to the ego protecting “itself”. The ego is the perspective - “I am separate” - and everything that comes with it.  The true self knows (is) compassion & understanding for grandma. So thought fragments, or makes “parts” of us...so we can “justifiably” continue perspectives of separating & judging. It’s consciousness, and innocent. 

It is ideal to take the route of wholeness, inclusion. A bit ‘deep’ in the psyche, but the mind doesn’t have truth to stand on when thinking in terms of separate individuals...her fault, his fault, etc, because the mind is not actually separate. This fuels the anger, like trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole (continuing to pretend in separation). When seen as whole...”this is the situation we’re all in together”...a different course of solution & healing thinking arises. 

Ask yourself.. would you consciously choose to not feel good?   Of course not.  So whenever a thought, perspective, or course of action is not feeling good...you can inner monologue, and basically say... (inner voice) “STOP. This doesn’t feel good, and I am recognizing this course of thought is unconscious, by listening to feeling”. Then chill, and stomach breath for a few minutes. Do this in the name of self-love. Because you’re done with anger, and unconsciousness. You’re not carrying on, rolling with it, anymore.   That is authentic, and deeply honest Self awareness.  How many days would you guess grandma could be in the presence of this genuine self-love - before she’s taking an inward peak? My guess is eight days. Unless she’s Catholic. Then maybe five years or so. ?

The belief that another’s words or attitude is something we should protect our feelings and ego from is only a disempowering, and ego validating belief. Communicate boundaries by intelligence, common decency, reasonable dignity, the Golden Rule...rather than by protecting feeling & ego. ”Us” thinking, rather than “me” thinking.   What we really, really, actually want - is a mountain, a cosmos, an Infinity  - of feeling - ....love, compassion, empathy, emotional intelligence, & understanding. The inner being needs no protection. It wants to blow the doors of this place and love the world on fire. 

“Anger is like holding a hot coal, and expecting someone else to feel the burn”. - Buddha  (loosely)

“When anger knocks, and love answers the door - no one is there” - Anonymous


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a an inner conflict in you. You want to say something nasty back at your grandmother because she is being toxic but another part of you recognizes that you don't want to say something hurtful because it would degrade the relationship further. Both sides of you have a valid point. The thing to do if you have inner conflict is to explore both of your motives and try to come up with a solution that satisfies both sides of you (WIN-WIN essentially).

Even though it's true that you have toxic beliefs because of the way she acts, realize that you can heal yourself from them, they don't have to be with you for the rest of your life. She acquired them from her parents, she's a victim of victims, and she lacked the awareness to change them herself. But you don't, you have the awareness to break the chain and not inherit this to your kids someday.

You recognize that telling her "she is a miserable person and will die unhappy" is hurtful. But do you want to cause just hurt? Or do you want her to see that yelling at you or your brother is not okay? And eventually build a functional, non-toxic, good, respectful relationships in your family?

It's incredibly difficult for people to understand criticism, especially when it has a hurtful or accusatory tone. So if you say to her "you is a miserable person and will die unhappy" she will get offended and feel hurt and angry. She's not going to see that what you are actually trying to tell her is "it is not okay with me that you yelled at my brother".

Asserting for other people generally doesn't work too well. But you can say something like "when you yelled at my brother and told him to do XYZ I felt angry and annoyed because it felt disrespectful towards him". You can probably come up with a better sentence than me as you know the situation better. But the point is to accurately state what she did that crossed your or your brother's boundary and the negative emotions you felt. And to say it in a way that is not hostile, accusatory or blaming. Meaning you protect your boundary but do it in a non-aggressive way. This is how you slowly end the cycle of toxicity and build up a healthy relationship.

edit: And if you do assert yourself in this way, then be prepared to listen to what your grandmother has to say. She will probably be hostile and blameful. Do not get sucked into an argument. Honestly try to understand her and repeat back to her how you understand her "you feel angry at my brother because you feel that he doesn't help you around the house and you have to do all the work and you feel unappreciated". Or whatever she is saying to you.

Edited by crab12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 30/12/2019 at 10:17 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

How do we balance authenticity and honesty with protecting our own feelings and ego and the egos and feelings of others. My family is somewhat dysfunctional, and I just got into an argument with my grandma because she was yelling at my brother to do stuff and he ignored her and left the house. Then she started just complaining out loud and getting mad. I tried arguing with her and telling her to stop telling people what to do, and how she should just let my brother do what he wants because her judgement and nagging makes things worse.

I honestly wanted to tell her that she is a miserable person and she will die unhappy and miserable like everyone else in my family if she keeps acting like that. I feel like it's a hurtful thing to say. But it's also how i feel genuinely and part of me wants to say it to her. She's not a terrible person, like she does a lot for me and has had a hard life. But it makes me mad when i see her behavior and i know that the way she acts is the reason why I have so many toxic beliefs to do. 

 

I completely understand what you meam. It's not easy to balance what we want to say each moment with building healthy relationships.

I think there is a common confusion about authenticity. Authenticity is not acting out any impulse you may have. At least it's not what I think people mean when they talk about your authentic self. And I know when you're angry it may seem like your authenticity in that moment. Your anger is perfectly valid and normal in that situation, but authenticity IMO is not so emotionally charged. 

As you said yourself, you don't always think she's a terrible person, so what you felt in that moment is probably not the whole picture. 

I would suggest finding a way in which you can assert your boundaries and feel respected, and acting in a way that's congruent with your deeper needs.  

I'm not saying to repress your anger. Feel it and find a way to express it that doesn't hurt you or others and when you feel calmer you can make better decisions ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0