Kelley White

One Step Forward Two Steps Back....

7 posts in this topic

Its not a linear process; eye observes this is what is but "I" forget. :/

So I tried, in hindsight, to run from pain.

I wanted to believe and thus saw only what I wanted to see. 

I tried to be brave and confront childhood sexual abuse while still having a victim mentality and became a victim. 

I almost lost everything I owned, I lost my vehicle, was homeless briefly.  I put myself in harms way by being naive and confusing morality with common sense. 

I thought I wanted to be a life coach and help people; then I began moderating in the forum and realized all the skills I lacked despite the best of intentions.  

I learned I am a people pleaser which makes me inauthentic.  My yes does not always mean yes and my no does not always mean no. 

I learned I have a victim mentality which opens me to abuse and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I learned the difference between judgement and common sense.  I learned I have an over abundance of judgement and a lack of common sense.  Martin Lucas defined common sense for me as, "you don't have to stick your head in the oven to know its hot."  Wholly different from ovens are bad.  I tend to say are you a good oven or a bad oven?  Let me stick my head in, hang out for awhile and find out.  Good or bad an oven is still an oven.  Then I wonder  why my head is on fire?  I know, thank you Captain Obvious, but some what "is's" allude us. 

I began doing the work in earnest and observed the majority of my suffering came from beliefs which are in conflict with what is. 

I learned I am angry, resentful, fearful because I don't like what is very much.  I like the way I want to believe it is in my mind's eye until reality hits me over the head with a brick.    Then I believe all of life is just being hit with bricks reinforcing the erroneous belief and those bricks are yellow, not made of gold, and only lead us down of path of suffering on a guided tour by fear. 

For a week I have just questioned and observed my emotions, allowed them and the thoughts and not judged them, but questioned them.   

I turned 54 the 5th of June.  So many of my birthdays have been ruined by others in my mind.  This year I did the work.  It looked like this.

"I wish my husband was the man I wished he was.  I wish he was here to love me on my birthday."  "I wish my kids were here and loved me on my birthday."

Is  this true?

Yes.

Can I know this is true?  No.

What is?  My husband is the man he is.  Would I want that man here with me on my birthday?  No.

What is?  My children have full happy lives and are good people.  Do I need them with me on my birthday to be happy and feel loved?  No.

The Turnaround:  I want me to love me and be there to love me on my birthday.  I want me to give me a special day.

Interestingly enough?  I had a great birthday. 

My youngest son texted me first thing int he morning, "Happy Birthday Mommy."  Its the first time in years I can remember him calling me "mommy" versus mom and a msg on a special day awaiting int he morning versus coming at the end of the day.   It made my day.  

I had well wishes, surprises, and guests.  Had my husband been with me I would NEVER have had guests. 

Today?  The Work continues.

I received a call from a dear friend who knows both my husband and I.  My husband let it be known he was melancholy because it was my birthday.

Hearing this I want to believe he really cares; that he is the person I want to believe he is.  Confusion sets in. Emotions flood in, the suffering and the moral judgments begin.   My mind wants to push this pain away; find anyone to make it better, to tell me I am right so I can just put the pain and the guilt and the shame back in a box and ignore them to move on with my day.  I know this won't "work."

I turned to @Leo Gura's new video about morality...again.  

I stop about ten minutes in and start wracking my brain.  What is the hold here?  What is the core belief driving this confusion?  There has to be a moral judgement hiding somewhere getting in the way. 

I thought back to the day I was convincing him to go to detox.  He looked at me and said, "You want what you are unwilling to give.  You are abandoning me."  It hit me, he struck at my core FEAR. Abandonment.   I have felt abandoned all  my  life. 

The Work

"When you love someone you shouldn't abandon them."

What is?  People do abandon people they love. 

The Turn Around

"When you love someone you should abandon them."  

"I want me to love and not abandon me."

This may seem very simple and obvious to someone else...but me for?  This right here is a lifetime of suffering and huge. 

He is not the source of my suffering.  He is no longer in my physical reality.  He is in the matrix and the matrix is my thinking.   My daughters are not the source of my suffering for abandoning me.  

I am the source of my suffering for abandoning me.

I am the source of my suffering for ignoring me. 

I am the source of my suffering by saying, "yes" when I mean "no", and "no" when I mean "yes."  The people in my life are treating me the way I have taught them to treat me. 

I cannot say this revelation is not painful, it is.  I have been unfaithful.  I have been unfaithful to me. 

That is my work for the day.

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

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On 6/7/2016 at 10:57 AM, Kelley White said:

The people in my life are treating me the way I have taught them to treat me. 

i've shared this same revelation.

 

everyone around me treats me the way they perceive the way i want to be treated, when in-fact thats not what i REALLY want, im projecting an image to get what i think is "love" when its just an image being projected and has nothing to do with love in reality and im miserable because of that. no matter what i tell myself and convince myself otherwise :) 

when you do it your whole life its easy to get lost and not have a clue who you are. 

because "who i am" was an image, a show to "get" something. love, acceptance, validity, you name it . 

and its a different show for different people but with the same theme. :$

But its ok, realizing its a show and game (hurts like fucking hell, but its ok :)

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It might hurt, but will take temporary pains from revelation for long term healing over long term suffering of my own creation. :)

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I watched this video this morning and then did the work from the perspective of I gave up on him, my fear.  

 

I then benefited from doing the work from both perspectives. :) 

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