Removing Should-statements And Eventually Reaching Enlightenment

[JKG]

A School Day - 12

Today was the first day of the motto week - theme childhood heroes - and I went as Bob the Builder. I just took a yellow helmet with me.

The classes were not particularly interesting. In physical education and physics we just got ice creme (I didn't eat it), in German we simulated a oral examination, in English  in maths we did nothing special, in history we finished the topic of the German reunification, and in social science we watched a movie. I also got some grades: English 11, physics 14 and social science 15!

Now I will never ever again have German, physical education, physics and social science. Strange. And I will never again have a normal school day. Tomorrow begins the intensive preparation week.

What was more interesting were my feelings and reactions during the breaks. In the longer breaks in the motto week the 12 graders all stay at a place of the schoolyard (stairs), have loud music, party around, and the rest of the school is looking at them.

I hated the breaks today. I felt so stupid with this helmet. There were also 4 other students as Bob the Builder. I stood apart from my normal friends because they stood in the middle of the crowd on the stairs and jumped around to the stupid party music. The lyrics was all the time something like: "schalalalala give me more alcohol." And then they jump and scream around (drunk) "ABI ABI ABI ABITUR, ABITUR, ABITUUUUR" (Abitur is the name of the German high school degree). And at one point they made a polonaise in those stupid costumes, running around on the schoolyard. I just stayed at the stairs. I felt observed by all those younger students and teachers because I didn't participate with those party games.

The good thing about today is, that I will never again have school until 5:30pm. Never!

As I came home my mother had a very bad mood because of several events that stressed her out. Then my father game home also with a bad mood. Then my mother told him about the bad events and he got a even worse mood. Then the farmers came with liquid manure and started praying it over the fields which are on the other side of the rode. So they got a even worse mood. I just went outside to get away from this negative energy.

I have noticed that I have to many anti role models in my life. And I know exactly what to do to not end up in such situations as they are. My parents, stupid lazy people in school, friends... I should be more grateful.

I just estimated my final Abitur grade with an online calculator. It will depend on the final exams. If they will be very good (something like 15,14,13,12), I will get 1.3. If they will be good (14,13,12,11), I will get 1.4. If I will not be so good and something terrible happens (11,11,9,9), I will still get 1.7. I am astonished about my good grades until now.

Tomorrow the motto will be sluts and procurers. So stupid. But happily I only have two lessons of history. So I don't have to be at school in the breaks and don't have to experience this madness.

I am too attached to my experience, well-being and emotions. Just detach...

Now I will just calm my mind down with some meditation. Maybe just do nothing and strong determination sitting for an hour. And then it will already be time for bed. The days fly by. 

[JKG]

In the last years of my teens and then in my whole twenties I want to work on mastering computer science, building a business, gaining financial independence and a good amount of passive income. I work on personal development and spirituality in my free time. Then when I reach my thirties I can focus much more on spirituality, like Leo at the moment does. 

If I want to master computer science I need to invest 10.000 hours into it. If I want to get this done in 10 years, I need to invest each day about 3 hours into it. It will probably be much more, because of university stuff. But then I also need to get good at economics and running a business. This is totally doable.

I am excited to be able to start mastering computer science in 8 weeks!

[JKG]

A School Day - 13

I woke up at 5:30am and started studying history at 6:30am. I was surprisingly awake and capable of studying.

I went to school at 8 to study with my friend history in our schools library. I firstly studied an hour of peace treaties and she the German reunification. Then we presented it to each other. It was nice to study with someone and at a different place than in my room at my desk. 

In the break we watched the students of our year, dancing drunk as sluts and procurers. With another fried we gossiped a bit about them. But that was perfectly justified. Some of them looked so slut-like. Really!

Then I went with my friend to her history class. Her teacher is pretty different than mine. They/We worked on tasks about the cold war. Going there was useful.

After the next break I had my history class. My teacher gave us a lot of advice on how to study with our books, what do study, how to choose the best exam... It was very useful.
He even told us interesting stuff. He is most alert between 5 and 6am. He asked my if I can imagine that. I said yes and he was surprised. At one point he talked about his favorite ice creme flavor and asked my what my favorite flavor was. I said that I don't eat ice creme and again he was surprised...
I noticed that while he was talking he often made eye contact with me. That was strange. I tried to maintain this eye contact because normally I then look away because of embarrassment.

After school I ate too much lunch, read, went mountain biking, meditated and read again. The weather was just gorgeous - 23 degrees. So my father had the brilliant idea to grill. I hate that. After wards I read again and practiced some mindfulness and techniques from Taming Your Gremlin. Now I am tired and go to sleep in a minute. 

5 days left. Today in a week I will never have school again. So weird.

[Dragallur]

9 hours ago, JKG said:

So my father had the brilliant idea to grill.

we were grilling too yesterday! I ate quite lot of bread there so I am bit ashamed of myself...

[Gabriel Antonio]

I love how motivated you are to live well and practice meditation, healthy eating, exercising, studying, and so on. Keep on keeping on! =]

 

[JKG]

I decided to write less here. I have started a private journal. There I can write down my thoughts more directly. Although I tried to be pretty honest here, I still wasn't able to write everything. Therefore I think a private journal will be more effective for this process.

But still I think I will write here once in a while. Maybe I will make little summaries about my time and what I have noticed. Or I'll post stuff that I think could be helpful for others, or that I just want to document. I'll basically do whatever I want here. No rules - no expectations.

[JKG]

Here I applied the process called "The Work" by Brian Katie.

 

1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
I am angry with P because he limits my freedom.

2. In this situation, how do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want P to let me do what I want, understand me, question and let go of his stupid beliefs.

3. In this situation, what advice would you offer to them?
P should let me explain my thinking, listen clearly to my worlds, be open to new possibilities, be open-minded, understand me, and trust me. And meanwhile he should calm down and let go of his ego.

4. In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need them to think, say, feel, or do?
I need P to calm down, to understand his delusion/self-deception/believes, to communicate his thinking to me, and to accept my wants without resistance or irrelevant fears.

5. What do you think of them in this situation? Make a list. (Remember, be petty and judgmental.)
P is an asshole, ignorant, stupid, deluded, egoistic, an idiot, limiting me.

6. What is it about this situation that you don‘t ever want to experience again?
I don‘t ever want to feel this helpless, dependency on him, limited, un-free, trapped, without other options than listening to him.

 

1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If your answer is no, move to question 3.)
Yes.

2. Can you absolutely know that it‘s true? (Yes or no.)
He limits my possibilities. I feel controlled by him. As long as I live here, yes. But that is victim thinking. I could just move out and do whatever I want, earn my own money…
I could also do what I want here. I can just do it. It will cause anger in my family but I did it. Or I could communicate my knowledge to them somehow, so they support myself.
No. He doesn‘t limit me, just my victim thinking.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I feel shitty. I want to get out of this situation and just be free, do whatever I(!) want. I want to be my own boss. I want to rule my life on my own. I feel frustrated because I know that it will still take many years until I am able to move out. I just want my freedom now. I feel angry. I feel pissed off.
I try to get out of the situation because I cannot communicate properly with him in this state of mind. My mind just thinks all these negative thoughts. I want to scream at him. I want to let out my aggression. I want to say to him my negative thoughts about him, which I imagine, but feel like I cannot. I am afraid of the possible consequences. I just go into my room and let my mind run amok.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would understand him and his perspective. I would accept his opinion and look how I can escape the victim-mindset and do what I can do. I would take the whole responsibility over my life. I would feel loving. I would see the growth-potential in the situation. I can use the situation. I have the opportunity for growth. The situation is like an obstacle, and overcoming it makes me stronger. I would be grateful for that.

Turn the thought around. Then find at least three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true for you in this situation.
I limit my own freedom. (victim thinking)
I think about all the things I cannot do here at home.
I think that I cannot argue with him and just escape the situation.
I try to get this obstacle out of my mind.

I limit P freedom.
He has to work to earn money for the living of my family.
I sometimes ask him to do some stuff for me.
I expect things from him.

[JKG]

The End of School

Its finally over. Yesterday was my last day at school. I will never have classes again. I never again will be graded for oral participation.

My feelings are mixed. On the one hand I am glad that I don't have to sit for a pig part of my day in these class rooms around negative people and come home exhausted. Or I don't have stupid classes like German or physical education. Or stupid classes with where teachers try out stupid ways of teaching like group works.

I now have much more free time to do what I want. I can study mostly what I want, I can meditate more, work more effectively, use my time the way I want it to...

But I also feel sad. I had there some great social contacts and I enjoyed being social sometimes. I will miss some people, I will miss some teachers. And eventually I will start missing classes and even the negative stupid people.
I will miss my group of school friends, I will miss my chemistry, maths, history and physics teachers. I like them although sometimes they are negative and stupid. After all these years around these people I got used to it and it became normal to be around them. Somehow they grow dear to my heart.

I have this sense of freedom, but this freedom is not always nice. Jonathan Haidt said that people need some obligations and that absolute freedom does not lead to happiness. People need to be in social networks to function well and to be happy.

I fear feeling this loneliness from not having enough social contacts or conversations. I fear this feeling. I want to feel happy from good conversations. I want to have conversations, friends, and laugh with them.

I almost start to cry now. No, not almost. I do cry. And I feel that my ego doesn't want to admit this. My parents could come into my room and see my crying. My ego doesn't want that. It wants to suppress my emotions. But I let the emotion come up. I feel the emotion.

Only at the end one recognizes how nice all the time was.

Its over and I cannot do anything about it. Thats the way it is. Thats the way it should be - because it is.

I accept the way it is. It will never be like it was before. I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to be a victim to my introversion, my shyness, my bad social skills, to my tendency to stay at home in the comfort zone and do nothing. I have opportunities. I am 18 and have all the opportunities in the world. I can change my life. I can change and grow out of my comfort zone.

Just because I am not obligated to be around people in school, it doesn't mean that I will become lonely. I can improve my social skills. I can find new friends. I can laugh with them, have deep conversations with them... I just need the courage to get out there and do something.

My crying ended now.

I know that I have some opportunities to meet some of my school friends. Now in the holidays we can meet at school and study together for the final exams. I will take those opportunities.

And my history teacher said that he will meet me and another student in two weeks to talk more about the exam. I am already looking forward to that because I know that it will be fun in a way. His stories are great all the time. (And my ego of course wants some appreciation.)

I can also try to have more social contacts with my family. I could have an actual conversations with them. Or I finally could be radically honest with them. And of course I can play more with my sister. That always makes me more happy.

I already have made myself a list of comfort zone challenges and activities that could make my days a bit different. I could go to church, or to the cinema alone, or going swimming.

This time will not be easy. But did anybody claim that it will be easy?

I have the responsibility for my life.

[JKG]

The advice that I need right now: socialize!

Socializing should be my priority right now. Being disciplined, studying, meditating, and working out is so easy to me compared to socializing.

I always tended to avoid socializing but now I should search for the opportunities.

[JKG]

I study like 6 hours each day for my exams, meditate for 2 to 3 hours, work out, eat, sleep, and repeat. I am pretty productive and the habits are also working fine - most of the days. And I am social - I go to school and study there with people.

My mind at the moment has big ambitious goals in mind. With this attitude I can study a lot. I know that I will have to work much harder to achieve my future goals. These minor exams are nothing in comparison to building an AI business or reaching full enlightenment.

I wanted to meditate more but at the moment studying 200 years of German history takes in too much time. Now I concentrate more on studying. In three weeks I will meditate more. Its all a balancing act

[JKG]

I just finished listening to the audiobook of "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It is so good and packed full with wisdom. It inspired me. I have the responsibility for my life. I can become a shepherd instead of a backer. I can travel and go on search for my treasure. I can listen to my heard.

The worst one can do with ones life is not changing, and not going in search of ones dreams - just dreaming and taking no action.

[JKG]

I think I will never have a problem with work ethic. I have no problem with studying for 8 hours a day. The history exam is in 16 days, but I would be ready to write it in two days. I just don't like it do not be perfectly prepared and have a few lacks of knowledge. Then I think "what if this will the the topic of one exam, and just because you haven't studied this topic a little bit more you don't get 15 points..." It seems like am a little perfectionist in some areas of life.

But I also feel as if I have a little bit of pressure from my teacher. And I make this pressure myself too. My history teacher just send us 9 more old exams. He just wants us to get at least 13 points or even 15. And he will meet us on Friday in school, although it are the easter holidays.

It seems like I am horrible at applying the 80/20-principle some times. I just want to get the 100 percent. Although I don't need this at all. I don't need a good certificate to get into university. I could just write 5 points (Ds) in all the exams and still get an average of B because of my good grades from the last two years.

My goal of the exams should rather be just not getting into the oral reexaminations. And therefore I just need to get 10 points in maths and chemistry, and 9 points in history.

This is all ego stuff. I want appreciation from my teacher. I want appreciation from my family. I want to be better than the other students.

I study so much that I even dream of history. This night I dreamed of a picture, in blue and red. On one side was Merkel and on the other Stalin. He one side presented socialism, communism, the east, and the other side capitalism, democracy, the US and the rest of the west... And the night before that I dreamed of my history teacher how he is the father of my former German teacher. And he showed his religion class fishing... My subconscious mind is coming up with weird ideas.

[West]

You're my new productivity hero! Once I get going I don't mind spending the whole day studying if I rid myself of distractions. Not so good at that part yet tho. 

Also, 2-3 hours of meditation every day? That's nasty! What gains have you experienced so far from that practice?

[JKG]

Summary 17/04/01-17/04/18

I feel like its time to make a little summary. Right now I have time. And almost one third of 2017 is ready over... The time flies by.
I just read through my private journal and made some notes.

After the end of school I got into this state of loneliness and a bad mood for some days. This is a big problem for me. But with the help of my best friend I got out of it. We meet in the first week of the holidays 4 times and studied together. That was good, although at the fourth day of meeting in a row I felt like it was too much.
Since then I feel better and am not too concerned with my social stuff. And I don't miss school anymore. But this problem is not solved yet. This problem is just so terrifying for me I guess, so that I put it to the side as soon as it is temporarily solved. I have not fixed it at the roots. I should keep that in mind.
-> improve your social skills

The biggest part of my life in these weeks was studying. Since the end of school I have studied everyday for 3 to 7 hours. Mostly it was history. At the beginning I was concerned about not being able to get all this knowledge into my mind. But now I am more relaxed. I am already very well prepared.
I have used the pomodoro-technique and it works very well for me.

I have established a good routine for getting as much done in the morning as possible. I get up at 5:30, study from 6-7, meditate from 7-8, study from 8-9:30, have a break and eat breakfast from 9:30-10:15, continue studying from 10:15-11:45. It does work well, but these numbers are ideals. Its just the average.
From then on I look when I am able to concentrate the best. So I look where I can study and meditate, and work out.

But I need to relax too. I (with the help of my friend) noticed that I have the tendency to challenge myself too much. Just study and study and study, and don't take too much time off. Over the easter days I really noticed this tension. I relaxed and studied less.
I need to remember to relax. I want to do productive stuff all the time and remember to have some fun.
-> you don't need to be productive all the time, relax, have fun

I normally meditate for 2 hours, sometimes more up to three hours. I do a bit of mindfulness, a bit of do nothing to relax, and then self inquiry stuff. I like the question "what is true independent from my experience" the most.
I once set the goal to meditate for 4 hours each day from the day school ends on. I could with a lot of determination. But I was lazy and I hate such rules. I want to slowly work my way up to 4 hours in the next time, at least in 5 weeks after the exams.
-> build up your meditation time to 4 hours

My eating habit was also alright. I have successfully established the habit of eating a raw breakfast. Most of the times this is a smoothie, mostly green with stinging nettles and other edible wild herbs. I also have tried adding blue berries. That tastes just amazing.
And I was able to push the time of the breakfast more into the noon. Now I eat between 9 and 10am. This feels good. Then my body has more time to cleanse itself before I give him more work.
I also have started to eat less nuts which is good. And I want to eat a raw lunch. So basically am mostly raw until dinner. This feels very good.
But there are also days where I hate my eating habit. Yesterday for example I just ate an entire bar of chocolate that I got for easter. I have the mindset of eating every sweet of mine so that its away and in the future can eat clean.

I have mostly stopped my reading habit. I already have a lot of mentally challenging stuff to do, so that I don't want to challenge my mind even more in my free time. I just read a bit. I finished our inner ape (the ending is so great) and I started summarizing it. The same goes for taming your gremlin. I will pick the reading habit up again after the exams.

I noticed how I became more grateful throughout the day. I spontaneously remember it and become grateful. And a few days ago I started contemplating my death. I didn't really intended making a habit out of it now, but I sticked to it because its very powerful. It makes me even more grateful. I appreciate some sensations more when I remember it.
-> contemplate your death - you will be dead soon

I ego is going wild in the last weeks. It wants appreciation from my history teacher... I checked my emails several times a day to look if he has sent us an email. And yesterday he finally did, and my ego was satisfied for a bit. I even dream of him and of history.
But its good that I am able to detach from my ego and simply notice all these stupid thoughts. Its funny some times to be the observer.
-> simply notice

I started informing myself about psychedelics, more specifically psilocybin mushrooms and weed. It is very interesting and I really want to try it out. But then when I look how to get them my ego gets in again. "Don't do illegal things, what would your parents think, what if the police catches you..." And I think about the setting, which would also be problematic. I still live with my family, so when should I have time for several hours to have the trip and not be noticed by them how I behave weirdly?
Then my ego has the tendency to want me to quit this whole thing. "Stay save and don't go psychedelics."
-> make psychedelic trips happen

At the beginning of the month I have made this list of stuff that I want to do in the next months, like comfort zone challenges, exploring the environment, going to places I have never been... And some goals. Simply getting at least a bit our of my comfort zone.
And now I look back and have done almost nothing of it. And only the very easy stuff. I have ordered a futon, informed myself about psychedlics a bit, informed myself about getting an amazon and audible account, looked around for new biking routes, cleaned my room a little bit, and practiced reading loud a bit. Not very much for 18 days. I know how to solve this problem but until now I choose to be lazy and not do it. Now I choose to take action and to get out of this fucking comfort zone.
I need to take one of the goals, work on it, and get it done. And do it within 72 hours, otherwise it will never get done. Alright.
So what should I choose now? Tomorrow I will go into the city and buy a amazon 50€ card to get my accounts handled. Then I will be finally able to listen to audio books from the book list!
-> take one goal and get it done within 72 hours

 

Wow, this became longer and took longer than I thought . But it cleared up my thoughts about the last weeks.

To sum this up - ordered by priority. The stuff that I am most resistant against first:

• take one goal and get it done within 72 hours
• improve your social skills
• make psychedelic trips happen
• build up your meditation time to 4 hours
• contemplate your death
• simply notice
• you don't need to be productive all the time, relax, and have fun

[JKG]

15 hours ago, Rider said:

You're my new productivity hero!

Thanks for the compliment. I know that I am awesome

But there are much more productive people than me. I still can improve a lot - as well as you. But it takes time.

15 hours ago, Rider said:

Also, 2-3 hours of meditation every day? That's nasty! What gains have you experienced so far from that practice?

Its not nasty, its beautiful. What is emotionally most challenging will probably let you grow the most.

I get angry and annoyed very seldom, I don't take life too seriously anymore, I am more happy, more calm, I can observe my thoughts, I understand most of the stuff Leo talks about, I have less tics, I have more will power, I grow... The ego gets a lot from meditation

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 4/10/2017 at 7:50 AM, JKG said:

The advice that I need right now: socialize!

Socializing should be my priority right now. Being disciplined, studying, meditating, and working out is so easy to me compared to socializing.

I always tended to avoid socializing but now I should search for the opportunities.

<3

[Dragallur]

3 hours ago, JKG said:

you will be dead soon

I totally fell in love with this sentence as there were some older people in the house for a meal..

[West]

@Dragallur Lol, you told them that? So brutal!

[Dragallur]

@Rider No but they are going to die soon.

[JKG]

Getting out of the comfort zone

Today was the day that I got out of my comfort zone very often, several times. And it feels so good. Today was one of the most happy and different days of the last weeks. Making something different really releases energy, its so refreshing.

I accomplished my little goal of getting this amazon card. Then tomorrow I will just have to figure out the rest of the stuff with the account.

The next thing tomorrow will be participating actively in conversations and active listening. Not being stuck inside my mind all the time, but experiencing what is happening in the conversations. My feelings, the feelings and wants of others, the surroundings...

And a great thing I learned today for conversations: talk about the present moment!

Thanks to @Gabriel Antonio!