Mind Thoughts Suicide

[billytblack]

I don't know where to start. I've been watching Leo's video for 4-5 years now and as you all know during the past 2 years or so he went deeper and deeper into the "truth".

During the last two weeks, I've been living a nightmare. I went to the emergency 3x because I had thoughts of "I'm going to die".. as if the personality was going to die. I'm shaking in fear, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've been meditating for 2 years now, but it seems I've watched too many videos where people saying "it's an illusion, nothing is real, you are god, death is an illusion, etc". I'm pretty sure my mind is now creating a fake enlightenment. I feel like nothing is real, I'm not real, why not dying now. Even though, I'm still afraid of many things, I still have desires. I never wanted to know the truth, I just wanted to be happy. I tried contacting a Buddhist school close to where I am, but they told me to see a psychiatrist. But what am I going to say to the guy.. "hey by the way you are not real".

I'm slowly running out of options I feel. Anyone could help me?

[Buba]

Hi, I have experienced same situation roughly 2 years ago. But I doubt it was induced by Leo’s videos. Sooner or later main effects of meditation hit.

In my case I did not feel I exist. I also did not feel outer world was real. My father held my arm and said “see I am real”. But I said that also might be staged. Like Truman Show, everything could be staged. I felt utter meanignlessness and emptiness. I felt impernance in everything. That was pure hell. And also I was in denial. I was trying hard to prove to myself that this enlightenment work is not normal, it is harmful. We exist and enlightenment is psychological disorder.

I was seing around through a tunnel. As no success was achieved by me, I felt tremendous ugly meaninglessness.

So I stopped meditation. After several months everything had returned back. I did not meditate for 5 months. But as I was still suffering (I had been suffering for a long time before starting meditation), I restarted meditation. Now I sometimes get slight depersonalization, fear, anxiety, meaninglessness and etc. I am waiting for that hell to happen again. I hope this time I will not step back.

[Matt8800]

2 hours ago, billytblack said:

I don't know where to start. I've been watching Leo's video for 4-5 years now and as you all know during the past 2 years or so he went deeper and deeper into the "truth".

During the last two weeks, I've been living a nightmare. I went to the emergency 3x because I had thoughts of "I'm going to die".. as if the personality was going to die. I'm shaking in fear, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've been meditating for 2 years now, but it seems I've watched too many videos where people saying "it's an illusion, nothing is real, you are god, death is an illusion, etc". I'm pretty sure my mind is now creating a fake enlightenment. I feel like nothing is real, I'm not real, why not dying now. Even though, I'm still afraid of many things, I still have desires. I never wanted to know the truth, I just wanted to be happy. I tried contacting a Buddhist school close to where I am, but they told me to see a psychiatrist. But what am I going to say to the guy.. "hey by the way you are not real".

I'm slowly running out of options I feel. Anyone could help me?

@billytblack First, yes, "you" are real...just not the ego that you think you are. Something was aware you are typing on the keyboard, right?

You are going through the dark night part of the path. Daniel Ingram outlines Theravada Buddhist techniques for getting through that in his book Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha.

I made it though several years ago. Very difficult letting the ego go but opens up to beauty on the other side. It will feel like death and the worst kind of nihilism but keep going. The key is to let ALL attachments and aversions go and accept ALL reality AS IT IS.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Matt8800

[Buba]

3 minutes ago, Matt8800 said:

@billytblack First, yes, "you" are real...just not the ego that you think you are. Something was aware you are typing on the keyboard, right?

You are going through the dark night part of the path. Daniel Ingram outlines Theravada Buddhist techniques for getting through that in his book Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha.

I made it though several years ago. Very difficult letting the ego go but opens up to beauty on the other side. It will feel like death and the worst kind of nihilism but keep going. The key is to let ALL attachments and aversions go and accept ALL reality AS IT IS.

I have read that book, but I dont remember any practical advice, aside “dont bleedthrough and hurt other people”.

[Nahm]

Relax. Thoughts are just thoughts. You’re totally, perfectly, fine.
Let them pass.

[Forestluv]

6 hours ago, billytblack said:

I've watched too many videos where people saying "it's an illusion, nothing is real, you are god, death is an illusion, etc". I'm pretty sure my mind is now creating a fake enlightenment. I feel like nothing is real, I'm not real, why not dying now. Even though, I'm still afraid of many things, I still have desires. I never wanted to know the truth, I just wanted to be happy. I tried contacting a Buddhist school close to where I am, but they told me to see a psychiatrist. But what am I going to say to the guy.. "hey by the way you are not real".

I'm slowly running out of options I feel. Anyone could help me?

It doesn't need to be this dramatic. The human mind is conditioned with a thought story about "me" and how everything is "real". One way this can be transcended is to realize that "me" and other things are illusions. Yet this is just a halfway point. Don't get trapped in a new thought story about how everything is illusion and nothing is real. That is just a new thought story and it will cause the mind and body a lot of distress.

If you continue on, you will see these are all just thoughts.

Illusion = Real and Real = Illusion. They cancel each other out and all that is left is what IS Here and Now. And that is liberating, beautiful and magical.

[billytblack]

The here and now scares me too. Will I have sex still, will I have a job, will I still want to workout, will I be able to be a dad.. Is the body real then? Is there anyone could tell me how going beyond thoughts changed their life ?

[Forestluv]

32 minutes ago, billytblack said:

The here and now scares me too. Will I have sex still, will I have a job, will I still want to workout, will I be able to be a dad.. 

It seems like thought stories of the future are scaring you. 

32 minutes ago, billytblack said:

Is there anyone could tell me how going beyond thoughts changed their life ?

Freedom to be Here and Now

[billytblack]

Yeah I think worries of the future are the worst. I guess I need to move a bit and do other things. I'm fine now, but this morning was hell for me.. even though I know thoughts come and go, when I'm trapped I feel hopeless. Good news though, 2 min ago the Buddhist school sent me a phone number of a Buddhist therapist that I can call.

 

thanks for all the support, this really helped me calm down a bit

 

[Nak Khid]

@billytblack  check out this new thread, full article at link there

Also:

How we Evolve & Integrate (including the "Dark Night") ~ Shinzen Young

"dark night of the soul" is similar in psychology to Depersonalization and he also talks about what he calls emotional "flat-lining"  which can be related to states of tranquility

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Psychology Today

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

Depersonalization/derealization disorder is an altered state of self-awareness and identity that results in a feeling of dissociation, or separation, from oneself, one’s surroundings, or both. Because it is normal to feel this way briefly and occasionally—due to side effects of medication, recreational drugs, or some physical and mental health conditions—depersonalization/derealization disorder is usually diagnosed only if such feelings of detachment frequently recur, cause anguish, and interfere with an individual's quality of life.

Symptoms

Depersonalization is a sense of experiencing one's own behavior, thoughts, and feelings from a dreamlike distance. According to DSM-5, symptoms include:

Feeling emotionally numb, or as if the person is not controlling his or her words and actions

Feeling detached from ordinary sensations, such as touch, thirst, hunger, and libido

Derealization is a sense of distance from activities going on in the world, or feeling that one's surroundings are distorted or somewhat unrecognizable. This may include:

Feeling as if objects are the wrong size or color

Feeling as though time is speeding up or slowing down

Experiencing sounds as louder or softer than expected

Feeling as though one is watching events and activities unfold in a movie or on a computer screen, rather than actually participating

In order to qualify for a diagnosis of depersonalization/derealization disorder, these episodes must cause clinically significant distress and/or make it difficult for the person to function normally at work, in school, or in a social setting. They must also not be attributable to another psychological condition such as schizophrenia. Individuals with depersonalization/derealization disorder will generally start showing signs in early childhood; symptoms rarely occur for the first time in adults over the age of 40, and only 5 percent occur in adults over the age of 25.

Episodes of depersonalization and/or derealization may last for hours or days at a time and recur for weeks, months, or even years. At all times, the individual is typically aware of both their inner thoughts and what is going on around them; as a result, they are conscious of the fact that they feel detached from their body and/or their surroundings. It’s common for people with depersonalization/derealization disorder to fear that they don’t really exist, or that their symptoms are the result of irreversible brain damage.

Causes

A history of severe stress, neglect, or physical or emotional abuse can lead to depersonalization/derealization disorder. Acute moments of stress, anxiety, or trauma may also trigger symptoms in individuals without a history of such factors. Studies have shown that poor sleep quality is associated with more severe symptoms of dissociation. Depersonalization/derealization disorder occurs with equal frequency in both men and women.

Treatment

Since depersonalization/derealization disorder often occurs with (and can be triggered by) other mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression, treatment can be difficult. For treatment to be successful, the therapist must develop an individual plan and ultimately address all symptoms and conditions. A close eye should be kept on whether the patient experiences any suicidal thoughts or impulses. Various psychotherapies can be helpful to those who suffer from the disorder, including cognitive and behavioral techniques, grounding exercises, and psychodynamic therapy. In addition to psychotherapy, antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications are often used to treat depersonalization/derealization disorder.

 

 

 

Edited December 13, 2019 by Nak Khid

[The Don]

When you walk the path of spirituality, don't forget the fact that you are intrinsically valuable as a human being.

Any advanced spiritual teacher who abandons his humanity is a pure pseudo-demiurge. A devil.

You, as a human being, are not worthless. You have a spirit worth preserving and the things you do in life are important.

Every human life is sacred.