Balance vs. Imbalance

[Lento]

This journal is going to be dedicated for tracking my progress towards achieving the ultimate way of living life, which is balance in all aspects of life; God and the devil, conciousness and unconsciousness, the heart and the mind, selfishness and selflessness, freedom and discipline, thinking and doing, wants and needs, success and happiness, Enlightenment and Life Purpose, socialising and solitude, working and resting, waking and sleeping, and basically everything.

The thing is that I've spent many years in the past practising selfishness and its accessories (unconsciously), until I've got to a certain point where I'd completely burnt myself out and gradually started gravitating towards the opposite side of the pendulum. And then out of a sudden, I've become completely selfless and known how life looks like from that point of view.

Recently, I started gravitating again towards the opposite side of selflessness, and so I wanted to make sure that I apply more awareness on that dynamic this time.

I think I have had enough experiences with the extremes, and that time has come to live in harmony with everyone and everything, including myself.

The main goals of this journal:

• Maintaining health.
• Creating and maintaining a high-quality (the highest) lifestyle.
• Becoming more systematic/nuanced with the way I deal with life in general.
• Balancing what I want to do with what needs to be done.
• Quitting internet and phone addictions.
• Finding the balance in being unbalanced, which is the ultimate goal of this journal. I imagine that as living a fully balanced life without having to consciously balancing it all the time. I think it'd occur when I reach levels of awareness where almost no more awareness is required to manage going through life. I'm not sure this is realistic, but it's an inspiring goal to look up to.

So...

Here I go...

Edited December 6, 2019 by Lento

[Lento]

I'm having a crisis over here..

I have been contemplating so hard to get a clear definition of what balance is, and I still am failing.. On the one hand, I have a clear idea of what balance is on the existential level, while on the other hand, I can't seem to know what it is on the practical level.. This is totally wrecking my mind. I don't usually get stuck on answering any questions, but this one is breaking me down. I'm crippled.

Here are the highlights of my speculations so far:

• Balance is getting the most out of the least.
• Balance is a directed and sustainable flow of energy.
• Balance is the stillness throughout the worst of storms.

I have many YouTube videos on my watch later list about this topic, so maybe I'll find the answer there. Or maybe I would have to read something from religion, a scripture or something, maybe just a few pages on the internet, or maybe my mum had the answer all along. I shouldn't underestimate the wisdom low-consciousness people may have.

..

Anyway, so as for the purposes of this journal, I have applied for a gym yesterday and today I am going to start working out, you guessed it, by myself ?

My plan is to start small and build my way up gradually, as I understand how forcing things always backfire. I am well aware of how homeiostasis/ego backlash works and I'm not going to let it win again this time. I gotta be sneakier than it is. Plus I don't want to experience a lot of sore muscles ?

Oh great Awareness! Please be with me, on my side ?

As for the addictions, I started experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, but there's nothing serious yet.

Balance now seems to be much more difficult than I thought. And it is indeed a serious business. I should look for balanced people, as I know none yet.

Edited December 9, 2019 by Lento

[Lento]

Yep.. My mum did have the answer..

So, I was still stuck contemplating the question: "What is balance?", and I started wandering left and right trying to get an answer or at least some idea. I have failed. The insights I got were nothing compared to the insight my mum gave to me. She's my angel, I love her so much ♥️

The way I start asking her any metaphysical questions has become a certain way, I can't ask her directly as that would come as shocking (lacking a better word), and it also wouldn't be appropriate since normally nobody really talks about the deep stuff. So, I preface my actual questions with fake funny questions until she asks me to tell her directly.

- Hey, mum!

+ What, son?

- Can I ask you a question?

+ Sure, boy.

- How are you? (while making a stupid face).

+ *Laughs* I'm fine.

- Hey, mum!

+ What, son?

... *Repeat twice with some twists*...

+ Okay, what do you want?

- Okay, I wanted to ask you: "What is balance?"

She starts thinking, and then she starts giving me some examples, and I tell her that I need a definition, I need to get to the essence of balance. She thinks, and then starts giving me more examples. I say, I understand the value of the examples you're giving, but I need to have a definition that I can use in general. She thinks, and says: "I can't give you a definition, I can't point to it, all I have is examples". I say: "fine, let me have them". She mentioned nature as an example, and how any imbalance would create an opposite force that reinforces the overall balance. And then she moves on to tell me to observe the universe in general, that it is all (and here's the key insight) in motion. At first, I was like, duh! I know that mum, tell me something I don't know. But I didn't realise the depth of what she was saying until now. BALANCE IS A DYNAMIC. Of course! How else could it be?! It's not static. It is moving all the time. The problem with my existential understanding is that it is single-dimensioned, it is 1-D and cannot be otherwise. Existential insights dismiss time, and they replace it all with the present moment. Existentially, everything is one. But that's very limiting in practice. It's not wrong, just limiting. Balance, in the absolute sense, is everything. Whatever happens is already balanced. But on the practical level (it assumes time), we need to use time in that understanding. We need to add another dimension to that single dimension. We need to start thinking at least in 2-Ds.

Now, I have a proper ground for building my definition(s) upon. I will keep contemplating while keeping that insight in mind, and then I'll see where it's going to get me.

..

It was a really awesome day at the gym! I didn't feel lonely like I thought I would. I felt like time started expanding and that my energy levels have, at least, doubled. I should start consuming more food.

..

Not sure if it's related to the gym, but for the first time in months, I had a nightmare tonight. I can't remember the details, but basically it was about feeling lost/locked up, something to do with an old friend that I haven't seen in two to three years.

..

I keep forgetting that I should observe my addictions. I should be more aware throughout the day.

[Lento]

I've skipped the gym yesterday, and I think I'm going to skip it today as well. I tried not to exhaust myself but it seems like ego-backlashes come in the form of physical illness as well. I'm having a flu, headache and pain in the bones. I'm in bed, resting and trying to remain conscious. Today I am feeling much better though.

During such times, I usually get disgusted with everything. I can't bare the thought of going to the gym, reading, going out, talking, or really doing anything at all. I'm not sure why I'm even journaling. I'm trying to not give in to my desire for starting marathons of Prison Break, How I Met Your Mother, or Game Of Thrones. I'm quite confident that I won't give in.

I don't care about balance right now. I just want to get back to normal.

..

I've had one other nightmare, but not anymore. It was about the most recent friend I've met (two weeks ago). He's a foreigner to my country, and I was introducing him to the old city and stuff where I lost him and lived through hell until I've eventually found him.

..

I was trying to learn about The Enneagram model but I'm so not in the mood for reading anything. At first, I thought it was something naive like zodiac signs (it might be), but I now think it can be helpful. I will read more when I get better.

[Lento]

Priorities at the moment:

1. Graduation project. ETA: 20-25 hours.
2. Enneagram model. ETA: 3-5 hours.
3. V-8. ETA: 4-5.

- I've been procrastinating the graduation project for a long time. I've already done 30% of the work, but I've delayed the 70% remaining mainly due to weather changes.

- The Enneagram model is complex. I may read some book if I like it. But for now, I am more interested in reading the basics.

- V-8 seems like a unique source of information. My estimation is that he's a healthy stage Green, doing a lot of reading and researching, growing towards Yellow. I like his unbiased way of presenting information, but I think it lacks the flavour of his personal opinions. By the time I finish the first two tasks, he would probably reach a 100 posts.

Edited December 16, 2019 by Lento

[Lento]

I'm having another awakening. Last winter I've had my first. The difference is that last year it was an ego-death awakening, while now it's zoomed out big picture awakening with the ego integrated.

"I am the father. I am the teacher. I am the protector and provider. I will reclaim my authority and make everything right."

These are the words I wrote in my notes during the awakening the other day. I don't feel that way anymore, but I know that every decision I make from now on should be in service of that command.

..

A lot of insights started coming through;

• For the first time, I've been able to find the key to life. It's beliefs. Beliefs are what carries you through the hardest times. If you want to change anything in your life, you can shortcut your way to the end with beliefs.
• Life is imagination. I create everything, literally. I create pain. I create happiness. I create everything.
• Suffering is a catalyst for creation.
• Nothing is real. People talk a lot, and that creates the illusion of reality.
• The most shocking insight that I've ever had is that the authentic self is not already defined. It can change. Beliefs can change it. The saying: fake it 'till you make it.

My current goal is to collapse my agendas with my authentic self, so that I can live life free of resistance. It is possible with the help of beliefs. The goal is to make my ego and authentic self, one, as they should have always been.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Lento

[Lento]

I'm having a lot of insights about the nature of "the devil". It's almost impossible and rather pointless to try to list them all here. The point is that I don't know how to be a devil. Not that I'm not one, but that I am poor at being one. And as insane as it sounds, the insights were telling me that I should be more selfish. Even though I realised in the past that I need to stop being selfless, which is the easiest state for me to be in, but this time it was a thousand times deeper. I started noticing how everyone else is a devil, which should have been obvious to me all along. Although, I'm not saying that I wasn't aware of the devilry of others, but it was more of a general idea. I always treated my own self as a devil and ignored any external devilry. That certainly has boosted my spiritual growth. I was able to deconstruct and see through myself very easily. However, my ability to survive was hindered. Not because I wasn't selfish enough, but because I wasn't selfish where I needed to be. I started noticing how almost every move or thought everyone else makes is directed one way or another towards surviving their identity. My identity has been (over the last four years or so) to be totally selfless, to serve others, and to advance their agendas on the expense of my own. So, I ended up being happy as a natural result of not having agendas. The recent awakening revealed (still is revealing) to me that I should stop giving away power and authority to other people. I am frankly more conscious than most of the people I interact with. It's wrong to give them power when I can have it. I can lead better than others. I am a stoic, calm, confident, honest, and I live by little. Who else could lead better than a stoic?! My current goal is to observe more how those selfish dynamics work in order to learn from them. I need to meditate A LOT on this matter. I could talk much more, but that would only help the devils corrupt this world. Bottom line is that I have been a deluded fool for a long time. It’s time for me to change my focus towards improving my situation so that I can change the world better than other stupid people do. It's kind of like I've awakened to some political aspect of my existence. I recall Leo in his politics video saying something along the lines of 'if you leave the unconscious rule, you get poor results'. And now I see that he was absolutely right. I should start learning and involving myself more into politics.

..

Good progress regarding the graduation project. I still have ton of work to be done.

..

Phone and internet addictions are getting cured slowly. Nothing to worry about.

..

And about the gym, I love it! I wish I had nothing else to do so that I could workout for hours and hours. I imagine my ideal lifestyle to be all about working out, eating, having sex, and sleeping. Just like an animal. I want nothing else. The problem is that it isn't realistic, at least it doesn't seem so.

[Lento]

Trying to be open-minded about my recent realisations, I stumbled across this hippy video:

I intuited from the beginning that he has nothing of significance to share, but nevertheless, I listened to the whole video with an open mind. He's just so wrong, locked up in his paradigm. From the first few paragraphs it was loud and clear. It's so nauseating for me to listen to a dogmatic person preaching spirituality. God! I'm so disgusted with stage Blue/Green people right now. I'm either Orange or Yellow. Perhaps it would resonate with others, or with me two years ago, but not right now. I'm currently so beyond his delusions.

Edited December 27, 2019 by Lento

[Raptorsin7]

@Lento I also watched his video. Why is he wrong? Isn't the ultimate goal for full transcendence of the ego, and to live in a constant state of non-dual awareness motivated by love and intuition and not thinking and doership?

What part of the ego can we befriend?

[Lento]

2 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Why is he wrong?

Well, for a variety of reasons. But first, we need to make sure we're on the same page when we use the word "ego". For me, the ego refers to the mind which is basically a complex of thoughts. Essentially, the ego is how we relate to our selves, to others, and to reality. It's our identity as human beings with the entirety of its details. Or, if we think of awareness as the non-changing presence, the ego would be the changing appearances that occur inside that awareness. That's how I understand the word ego.

That being said, here are some of the reasons I think he's wrong:

1. He created a whole video trying to disprove the existence of something that doesn't even exist? I mean, seriously?! If it didn't exist, then why would we even talk about it? Hell! Why should I even listen to him?
2. His main argument was that "loving" the ego goes against the teachings of all the "enlightened" masters, which simply indicates how dogmatic he is. Besides, whatever anyone says has nothing to do with the truth. A true insight does not have to be approved by anyone else besides oneself.
3. Back to point #1, if the ego is a bunch of thoughts, how does that make it any less real? What determines what's real and what's not?
4. Transcending something means including it, not denying it. How are we supposed to live in a state of non-dual awareness if we're still living in separation with our thoughts, demonising them and rejecting their value and validity?
5. The lack of nuance he shows indicates that he does not understand what he is talking about. He takes his ideas seriously to the point where thinks he's already gotten to the ultimate conclusions about the ego, believing that he somehow owns some absolute truths (stage Blue indicator).
6. An ego (him) telling other egos (us) that the ego is an illusion. How convenient to his ego?! (this is a poor point actually, but I like to keep it in mind).
7. This kind of conclusions comes from someone who is still identifying with his ego without being aware of it. He hasn't gone full-circle yet.
8. If I have an ego and I don't suffer, where's the problem? (I'm not there yet, but I don't suffer that much).
9. He clearly confuses the pointers for reality. Spiritual teachings aren't meant to be used as absolute truths, but rather as poiters at specific situations. Use once and throw away. Integrate without clinging.

I could go on and list many other reasons, but I don't need that. Maybe I am just a narcissist who is using these rationalisations to reinforce my ego (notice that I'm still open to being wrong). But that's not how I feel right now. My intuition tells me that I'm on the right track.

Anyway, there's one special case in which I could think of dropping my ego. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's related to there being a good government and a highly moral society (at least stage Green morality, alongside a stage Yellow uncorrupted government). This way, I wouldn't need to have an identity because survival would be relatively easy. That is unless I wanted to become a part of the government, which means I would need to have an ego. Leadership requires having an ego. Without the ego, good luck being a good leader, even of one's own life.

3 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Isn't the ultimate goal for full transcendence of the ego, and to live in a constant state of non-dual awareness motivated by love and intuition and not thinking and doership?

Notice the subtle duality here. Assuming that thinking and doership somehow cause us to suffer comes from not living in a state of non-dual awareness. This assumption itself is a sneaky thought creating resistance against thinking and doership, while at the same time putting love and intuition on a pedestal. Can you see how that is, by definition, a duality?

3 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

What part of the ego can we befriend?

For me, all of it. There's no problem whatsoever with having an ego as long as you know its place, and as long as you are its master, not the other way around.

[Raptorsin7]

@Lento That all makes sense to me. I am also not speaking from experience. I can be present, and I can recognize the space within but I haven't had any major awakenings yet.

I wonder if full acceptance and integration of the ego will ultimately lead one to transcend it. If this guy is talking about actively denying your ego, i agree with your def by the way, then i agree he's wrong. But if he means that through full acceptance of each moment, that will ultimately lead to the end of the thoughts arising, and you just live in the state of non-dual awareness until your body dies then that kinda makes sense.

Have you gone full circle? 

12 minutes ago, Lento said:

and as long as you are its master

Who is this "you" that is the master of the ego?

[Lento]

Watching Leo's video while studying Gynaecology is kind of weird, but I still have to do it. Or, do I?!

It's been a long time since I watched anything from Actualized.org, I missed Leo. This episode is really interesting, and it came as a synchronicity.

I love how he integrates these four powerful concepts together; Self-bias, Survival, Relativity, and Non-Duality. It's such a great way to deconstruct the mind.

[Lento]

Sooo..

2019 is about to end, and it's time for a review. I've never done this before, and I'm excited about it.

2019 has been a very, very long year for me, probably the longest I've ever lived. Of course, I mean the events that occurred and the depth of experience I had.

This SOB year had everything. It started with an ego-death, and ended with an "ego-life", even though credit goes to 2018 for the ego-death. I've finally learned the true law of attraction and how it actually works. Now, I only attract positives, and I can turn every loss into a win. It's just amazing how perspective changes everything. There's a lot to say about 2019, I'll put it in a list.

The highlights of 2019;

• I've finally got a clear and full understanding of reality. There's nothing more to be understood. Yet, learning is a never-ending process. One of my favourite paradoxes. Consciousness is not everything, that's a lie, or rather a pointer. God is the absolute truth, and it includes consciousness and unconsciousness. Consciousness and unconsciousness are the same thing, God. The difference is that consciousness is a slower form of unconsciousness. It's just that simple. When you're conscious, you're an angel. When you're unconscious, you're a devil. When you're conscious, you're growing according to God's will. When you're unconscious, you're spreading like a cancer, causing harm to yourself and others. There's a fine balance there, and I'm aiming for it.
• The best money I've spent this year was the money I spent for saving my life from going down to hell. It happened earlier this year, and I don't want to talk about it in public. Still, there's also the money I spent on the gym signing-up. I could never describe how grateful I am for it. It was the point I've finally proved to myself that I can take action when it's necessary, which brings to mind another point.
• I've learned when it's time to take action, and when it's time to step aside and observe. Observing, researching, studying, etc... all is great when properly managed along with taking action. There's a balance here, and I kind of have mastered it. This also reminds me of one other point.
• I've learned to act in certain situations without thinking. Thinking can become a really tough obstacle a lot of times, and it's often supplied by fear. I've learned to face my fears with a simple technique. Just do it.
• I've worked on unravelling my scarcity mindset, and I am still working on it. I've found some benefits, but I still have my doubts about it because I also have found some negative results, such as clinging and a feeling of emptiness.
• My favourite word of the year is BULLSHIT ? it was nominated alongside some other words, but it deserves the title. You know, because this is bullshit as well ? 2019 was the year I started seeing the bullshit within everything, and so naturally, I used this word quite much.
• My favourite quote of the year is: "The one you feed the most" as a response to the question: "I am torn between two wolves fighting inside of me. One of them is fighting to stay here, and the other is fighting to get there. Which one is going to win?". This quote sums up everything I needed to learn about balance. It basically talks about the balance between happiness and survival.
• 2019 started with a nihilistic attitude towards life, and ended with deep meaning and passion. I have a purpose now and it doesn't feel empty anymore.
• I've had a heart-chakra-opening. I don't know the exact date, maybe it was in 2018 I'm not sure. But I'm sure that I never felt the depth of my emotions the way I do now, both positive and negative are now multiplied by 10 or so. When I'm in low mood, it's hell. When I'm in a good mood, it's paradise. I'm learning to cope with hell and integrate it. I need to install proper beliefs.
• I've understood what infinity means. It's not what I thought it should be. It just means "not finite".
• I've realised God in multiple aspects; firstly, it was the realisation of God as absolute truth/the present moment/everything. Then God as absolute love. Then God as absolute beauty, I've seen the wow in everything, and I wasn't even alive.
• I've learned experientially the difference between thinking and being. It cannot be communicated or understood conceptually. Still, being occurs even while thinking, you just need to be present for it.
• I'm not sure about this, but I think I've had a Kundalini awakening. It doesn't matter though. I don't care about these accomplishments. They'll happen when they happen.
• I've learned a life lesson, and it's that the counter-intuitive approach, often times, is the most profound. Which leads to another huge realisation which is that the simpler the technique is, usually the better.
• My favourite song of the year is Everlasting Nothing by Beck; 
• My favourite video from Actualized.org was understanding relativism part 1. I'm really excited about part 2.
• My favourite movie was the Joker. I've cried through 90% of it. It touched deep parts of my soul.

I'm sure I've left a lot unsaid, I don't have a lot in mind right now. Overall, 2019 has been great, and a good example of a Limbo phase. And even though they're just numbers, I'm excited about the next decade. Now, what are my plans? Actually, nothing. I'll leave it for surprise, I've learned that no plan is the ultimate plan. It's the craziness of life that gives it its beauty, and it's the flow that makes you happy.

So..

Flow.

[Lento]

I started doing spirituality backwards, or in other words, I started creating my own version of spirituality.

For example; in the past, and in order to cure my neuroses, I used to apply Leo's principle; "Awareness is curative". Now, I seem to have become free from neurosis. And so, I decided to apply the principle in reverse. I am now applying neurosis to consciousness. I'm trying to experiment with what it's like to be neurotic in a conscious way. So far, it's working very well. It's like a muscle training. It gets better with time.

..

My dreams have become somewhat lucid. Last night, I dreamed of meeting the president in person. Not only that, he was asking for me and I preferred talking to the former president. Since I've actively started working on constructing my ego, I started having dreams again. It'd been a long while since I recall having a dream. The difference now is that my dreams feel real, like really real. I even sometimes mistake them for reality when I'm awake. I've mistaken some events so far, and it feels awkward and weird. But I know that I'm on the right track. Because as I was deconstructing my ego, reality started feeling like a dream. Now, it's the other way around. It's amazing how things are being! Reality is a miracle! Sometimes I wish I could sit in nature for hours without being interrupted by any humane issues. Last Friday, my mind was completely still. I could look at anything and see the beauty of creation. I was walking with my brother in the park, and he was trying to discuss serious matters. I told him that I'm not in the mood for anything serious. I was so at peace, and I just wanted to appreciate the beauty of life.

[Lento]

17 hours ago, Alissa said:

Hhhh no way. Why would u prefer to talk to the former president (who's dead) ?

I don't know. The president invited me for lunch and I didn't want to stay. I mean he was cool and everything (believe it or not ?) but the atmosphere felt kind of tense. I didn't feel comfortable with him being cool. Besides, I thought the former, dead, president was wiser.

..

Internet addiction: eliminated.

[Lento]

Just started a committed approach for finishing the graduation project. I will strive to finish it all in the next two days. It needs about 15 hours, I plan on getting it done and there will be no mercy. I need to move on and do more important stuff. The Enneagram model has been sitting on my to-read list for quite some time, and so have been V-8's posts. He's still at 80 posts, so it's as was planned. At least, that's relieving.

I will stop going to the gym from tomorrow until Saturday, it's been a month and I need to take some rest.

I recently realised that authenticity will only get me so far, but not all the way. It's one tool out of many in my pocket. Gotta learn how to use it wisely. Sometimes showing off is good. I won't demonise the ego, it's my friend. Sometimes people can have wrong impressions about who you truly are because you don't care about what they think. That's fine, but if you want to become a successful leader, you gotta learn how to be detached and yet still take feedback from others. Most people, especially stage Orange, will judge you according to your success and achievements, regardless of who you actually are. They're not completely wrong, though. I mean who wants to be with a loser? Even I, the least judgemental person on earth, don't like the company of losers. I was very successful throughout my entire life, it's just the last few years that things went out of control. I will reclaim my powers and get back to where I deserve to be, a true leader and a very successful person. I will use the judgement of others to my benefit. Don't believe me, just watch.

It's quite rare to meet people that you just know they are the right ones for you. These people are worth sacrificing the entirety of yourself just to be with them. Everything else pales in comparison. Without a second thought, you just know they're the right ones for you.

Edited January 7, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

So, it's been a while since I have written anything here. I'm procrastinating again, falling into my unconscious mode..

The good thing is that I've worked good over the past few weeks so I am accepting the negatives better. Although, I think that leaving the gym wasn't a wise decision because working out made me really aware and disciplined. It's been ten days since I've stopped going, and I can tell; I'm having an ego-backlash, even though I'm still exercising at home and doing some push-ups and pull-ups.

I have a theory, I think that the people you interact with always affect you, one way or another. Like they really affect you. If they're having an ego-backlash, it'll be transmitted to you. If they're unconscious, then your consciousness levels will lower down as well. However, this seems to be like a dynamic. So, when their ego-backlash is transferred to you, they become cured. When your consciousness level decreases, theirs increases. It's like a dynamic for balancing things out. But the problem is that if someone has a generator source for egoic/low-consciousness life, that is their mindsets. The mindsets/beliefs you currently hold are the generator source for your current level of consciousness. Really, it seems like all the levels of consciousness are equal after all. From nothing to something, from formlessness to form, all creations come into life, and the levels of consciousness are merely one form of this life. The only difference seems to be in the frequency that they are summoned in. It now appears to me that it's completely ridiculous to claim to not have a point of view/paradigm/ideology. This just seems to be impossible, although this itself is something of a point of view/paradigm/ideology. Back in strange-loopery! In my culture, there is a saying about the effects of other people on a foreign individual. They say: "whoever stays for 40 days among our tribe, they're us". So, I'm kind of thinking they're right. I think 40 days is enough time for losing oneself for the "tribe". Anyway, and on a more practical level, if my theory is correct, how can I utilise it for my own benefit? How can I attract positives into my life from the people I interact with? What kind of people should I be befriending? How can I become an infinite generator for positive energy? How can I stop others from dragging me down, and actually rather start dragging them up along with me? The questions are many, but they share the same core; what is the most harmonious/flourishing way to be? Maybe it's balance, maybe it's something else. I think it's presence, but that alone does not seem to be enough. Perhaps it's the balance between presence and illusion, and that balance comes in the form of consciousness. So, the more you learn about the external world (reality and others) and the more you learn about the internal world (yourself), the more conscious you will become. And the more conscious you become, the more balanced you will become. And the more balanced you become, the more in alignment with God you will become. And that will probably be the epitome of life! You will become God itself!

The ego creates false divinity. For example; there seems to be a halo of divinity towards celebrities, for some reason. I don't think this is just me. I think everyone falls for this trap, and actually I think a lot of people fall so hard and fail to see that. I've realised the mundane-ness of everyone! It was an insight about Trump. I don't know why I thought he's (or anyone famous for that matter) somehow special or divine. Not that he's a good person, not at all. Just that he didn't seem earthly, so to speak. I realised that politics is all just a game, a lot bigger than any other game, that's for sure. Trump is affecting my country the same way my boss affects my decisions/powers in the workplace. It's much more complicated than that, but the essence is still the same. That's the main insight.

Falling in love is not easy, but the right person makes it so. I never thought that I would meet someone I would like this much, I never thought that I would meet the perfect girl, but I did! She's smart, humorous, positive, passionate, compassionate, caring, supportive, open-minded, strong, strategic, mature, independent, committed, fun, disciplined, and so on... And she happens to share a lot of my interests and opinions. We've had great discussions so far, and I'm looking forward for more. She's definitely the one!

Oh, yes. I've finished working on the graduation project. It needs some tweaks, still. I will dedicate one hour a day starting from tomorrow for reading whatever I can from V-8. I don't want to read his posts on a surface level. I want to understand everything he says, even if it'll become a lifelong project (it sure won't). And I still haven't read anything about the Enneagram model. I should dedicate 30 minutes a day for that.

Just thought the journal wanted to hear my thoughts today, my monkey-mind seems to have calmed down, and I feel more relaxed right now, I think I should do this more often. I should get back to studying now.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

Time to wrap up the first page of this journal;

• Balance is a dynamic; you can't force it, it will happen on its own when you have proper levels of awareness.
• Working out is a must, whether at the gym or not.
• Phone and internet addictions are entangled with each other. Both seem to have gotten eliminated for the most part.
• I am happy, but I am not successful. Or at least, not to the same level of my current happiness. There is a gap, and I should be working on it.
• Raw egg is great for health. It's become a habit for me to have two raw eggs every morning. I mix them with chocolate for a better taste.
• Stay strong during the most difficult times. The rewards will be amazing.
• You can only truly appreciate things when you truly know what their absence can bring. Be grateful for everything you have.
• Discipline isn't hard to create or maintain. Take the pain, embrace the dark, and then rise like a phoenix.
• Infrastructure for creating habits; time, willingness, and attention.
• Look for the value that anything you're doing is generating in your life. Have no agenda and learn to judge things with a pragmatic lens from a self-biased position. The more selfish you are, the better impact you will be able to make on everything around you. Learn to be selflessly selfish.

..

I decided to leave work on February 1st. I need to focus more on college.

I feel much better today, I was more productive in general, and more focused. I still am far from my best state.

Psychological disorders are far worse/malignant than physical ones. At least with the physical disorders you detect most of them early because of the pain. With the psychological disorders, you don't know whether the suffering is bad or not. You don't even know whether you are ill or not. Besides, most physical illnesses behave in similar ways and unfold in certain directions. They're well understood and covered by doctors and researchers. It's completely the opposite with the psychological disorders. I've been depressed for about 8 years and I didn't even know it. It's crippled almost all of my abilities down. And now after healing it, I have started working on building my life again. I'd struggled so hard with everything. Now, everything seems clear to me. I'm flowing with life almost seamlessly. And I'm back on track with everything. I need some more time to catch up, though. The best part is that I don't regret going through the darkness. I cry sometimes when I remember those days (actually dark, dark nights) where I used to wake up every night and cry fearing death. I used to experience sleep paralysis on a regular basis. I can say with confidence that it's been healed now completely. I'm very grateful for where I am now. Perhaps this gratitude is the ultimate prize for my suffering.

[Lento]

I don't want to journal today, but I will. It's not about discipline, not even about extracting some value. It's just about journaling.

I feel so much energetic, I could go for a run right now, but I won't because of the cold and rain. Instead, I've done about 100 push-ups and about 30 pull-ups, and I'm looking forward to doing more until the end of the day. There's a lot of energy in my body right now. It makes my mood go straight for this: 

 

I'm experiencing the epitome of awareness right now. I am aware and of control of every single move/choice I'm making. It's such an amazing experience! Flow at its peak! I've spent most of the last two days meditating, perhaps that's why. I wonder how I should direct this to get the best outcomes possible.

I certainly should leave work. It's been an obstacle for my growth, although I've grown a lot through it, particularly in the social domain. I've, somehow, overcome many of the blockages I used to have. I used to not be comfortable talking about my sexuality in front of the opposite sex. I'm now completely comfortable. That's amazing, because I've never planned on solving this issue. It just worked itself out. Sometimes, you don't need to do anything except being patient and ready to learn. You never know what God is doing behind the scenes for you.

Awareness is the most important principle in life. Without awareness, you're lost. Of course, you can't be without awareness, but you can have low quality and/or low quantity of it. This will make your life extremely superficial and highly driven by others. It'll make you a slave, and never a leader. Leadership requires the highest levels of awareness. The more aware you are, the better leader you will become. It's all about awareness, so don't be "aware-less".

Edited January 19, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

Observing the dynamics of other members here on the forum, it's an interesting thing! Everyone is locked in their own little perspective trying to make it universal. I've been there, and I can empathise. So much stage Blue goes on all around here. Ironically, most of them claiming to be Yellow or above, whether frankly, somehow frankly, or not at all. I fall for this trap from time to time, and that's why I almost completely refrained from wasting my time and energy on discussions that I know won't bare fruit for none of the participants. Right now, I like to think of myself as someone who's above such childish behaviours. I have more important things to worry about. I have my own life to take care of.

It's beautiful to have someone whom you can trust. It's beautiful to know that someone is not scheming in silence to stab you behind your back. It's beautiful to know that you actually have a friend!

I'm digging into the Enneagram model. It's very interesting so far! I don't think it's enough to read a model once. I need to let it sink into my subconscious mind for it to become of value. It's not a lens until you've stopped thinking of it as a lens. You have to put it on.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Lento