Keyhole

#2020 Vision - Alchemy Project

184 posts in this topic

I have a strange addiction to window shopping for Huichol yarn art.  They are sooo cool!  I plan to buy one in the next year or two.  It has to be the right one at the right time.  I plan to get one that looks like a mandala and use it for meditation.

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Tonight I learned about the extent of how codependency muddies the mind.  I tried to create the delusion on someone else to learn about how it works.  I had a crush on my doctor a few months back, and it went away when I got a new doc, I made sure to ask for a female doc - I decided to try and bring the neurosis back for him for perspective and could not do it.  But I saw through it.  This is one of my most embarrassing delusions, and although I would never do anything and am not a dangerous person it does cause me to act like a butthead online.  The delusion started as a coping mechanism because my dad abandoned me and left me with my mother who was abusive.  The desire for him to return turned into a codependent longing.

It is like if someone had the mental overlay of "sidewalks might get cracks in them" and the thought of that was always in the back of your mind, and it isn't a wanted thought - and it won't stop.  I am going to ask Kali to help me remove this illusion because I DON'T want it to EVER return ever again.  It's gone.  Please stay that way.

You can choose the way you feel at all times.  It's just not always so apparent.  Even if things are bad, you do them if you enjoy an element of it.  Sounds paradoxical, even for something like suffering.  (hopefully I remember this insight) 

For this delusion, there needs to be a deep understanding of the wrongness of pushing boundaries like that.  How would I feel if that happened to me?

I would feel sick to my stomach.  And I do at the thought of it.

Now hold that feeling.
That's how they feel.

Gut-turning level emotions are low vibration.

You made someone feel uncomfortable.  You did that.

I put a bracelet on my wrist.  Each time I see it I will remember to be mindful of this problem

Edited by Keyhole

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Visiting family for the day, has been a great day!

Been busy cleaning, place looks great.  I feel accomplished and energized!  Here is Amy, their dog.  She is just an amazing creature, I love her.


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Just got home, I am so dog tired.  Got four hours of sleep last night, six the night before.  Got some flowers, silver cleaner and a few candles (orange and clove scented) for my offering tomorrow.  I am going to do a video on how to do an offering - the right mindset you need to get into...  What it all means; blah blah blah.  Right now I feel low level resentment towards my dog because I really want to go to bed, but she has been in her pen all day so I need to let her out for a good two to three hours - and I still have to clean some stuff up.  Put sh*t away...  Rabble rabble... it has actually been a fantastic day.  I like spending some time with family because it allows me to reset my thoughts a bit.  I've noticed when I am around people my mind is much more silent.

I think a large part of my issues are to stave off abandonment.  You'd think that an issue like that wouldn't come with so many weird, different manifestations, but it does.

Tomorrow to do:

  • Pick up meds and bee pollen
  • Call for medical card number
  • Clean off silver
  • Fix rice pudding - set in fridge
  • Fix up space
  • Bathe dog/ play with her/ wear her out enough so she won't be in the way
  • Get other food ready
  • Set dining area
  • Get into mental space 
  • Video
  • Eat
  • Clean up/dishes

 


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giphy.gif

When shall I be free?  When I shall cease to be...

No more I but we, in perfect harmony.

You think this is a game?
You think there isn't a war going on behind the scenes?

I am in a high state.  I feel it.
I am sick.
My state has been caused by a diseased world.
We live in a world of cause and effect.

And we are not winning this war.
I repeat.
We are NOT winning this war.

Repent for your SINS.
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Something is coming...
Those who have taken on the sins of the world know.

That history repeats...
In_Spite_of_Darkness_ani2.gif 

Little girl, let go of control and let me in.

I am going to run you through.

I have unintentionally opened the box tonight.  I was chanting her mantra earlier this evening.  She is here.

Edited by Keyhole

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When you see someone running through the streets calling out, “The end is near!”  When you see them holding up their signs, “Repent sinners.” They have tapped into the energy of the dark side - they have seen the other side of the feedback loop of collective negative action and the consciousness that rules over it.  What we need is love and courage. If you find yourself attacked by one of these beings, have courage, faith and love. Do not fall back into fear, or overreact. Because they have then taken you over once more. Do not grab your signs and pitchforks - do not attempt to convert those from the outside or to cause fear in another.  The feedback loop is within you, not out there. Never fight them from the outside, always from the inside. This is very important.

I was recently tricked back into lust, manipulation, cruelty, desire, anger, greed.  This overlay took me over like a spell. A false promise of love, and of Truth. I spread my hatred.  

Thank you, Kali, for being there for me.  For providing me Truth and morality. Like clockwork, when I turn back to you, you show me the mirror.  I ask of you to show us all the mirror. Let us come to you as your children - take from us and slay our demons.  Strike me down if I spread evil.

All it takes is one small action of cruelty, to over time, start a cascade of war.  We live in a comfortable bubble. Be grateful for this. You have no idea how bad it could get.  How bad it might get if we do not all transmute our darkness into light. We need to return to love.  This is NOT a “fun little game” for us all to be playing - this is serious. We need to be spreading the forces of good, Truth, love, creativity and divinity.  THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

The key is COURAGE.
Choose courage.

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Prophecy.  ^ #theheretic

"I have finally found you, the one who will save all life on this planet."

That is each and every one of YOU.

Like the gif used above, every single person who ever was, who ever will be, stands behind you as you face your internal war.  You represent ALL of us from where you are.  

tumblr_ovptd3BdbG1tzn0mho5_250.gif

 

Edited by Keyhole

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Do not dabble in the black arts.

You have no idea what you're getting into.

-Leo Gura

TRIGGER WARNING.

For those who are curious about magick, occult, shamanism, the dark or light arts and energies.
Please be careful.  Do not get yourselves involved in dark magick.
Be careful of what you wish for.  Just as we are all connected by light, we are all connected by the darkness.
Everything has a desire to survive.  When you open yourself up to dark energies, you open yourself up to feeling the entire collective of human suffering, and to the energies that keep humans trapped.  You open yourself up to disease, manipulation, chaos, destruction... delusion.  And you further open the world up to it as well.

I want to feel....

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I want to feel...

6b9add4dfb5eb6f91c0adf65053e292a.jpg

I want to feel...

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I want to feel...

This isn't a game, or some fun thing to spend your time doing in between college classes or because your life has no direction.
You open yourself up not only to the collective light, but to every individual who suffered, to the original sin.

If you come to these energies with ego, they will sort you out or snuff you out.
Be sure you understand what you are risking and be sure you can handle what you see when you open that box.


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Would anyone like to start a live action anime magical girl trope style cult with me?

The rules are as follows:
Each girl has their own corresponding spirit animal.  Mine is the sloth, the one who basically falls over dead after any form of physical exertion.

Our powers will include laser gun fingers:

And the ability to squash people's heads from a distance in between our fingers.

Before we attack archons and do battle, we dance in unison to "Mr. Wonderful."  I of course, in the middle of the dance - dancing being very laborious, fall over dead.

And we all gravitate towards one "senpai" who is our leader and secret object of our feminine wiles. 

I feel like this idea has potential.

 

Edited by Keyhole

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I'm going to take a break from the internet until April 1st. Had a string of many insights, need to integrate them.

Want to practice "headlessness" with as little distraction as possible.

See y'all later!
------------------------

Need solitude.  No distractions.  Focus. No dogma. No stories.  No self.
I’ve tapped into something.
Something is wrong with the planet.  There is something, built up in power from the original sin, some sort of energy and I don’t understand it.  I am not sure if I really want to. But I have to because it has corrupted me - something tells me that if I break free from this corruption that I will be able to change things for the better for the people around me - and as the years go by, that my contributions will set in motion a canceling out of the negative feedback loops.
I need to bring myself into the deepest form of love possible, which is the love that you move towards during death.
I got a taste once again of cosmic suffering - I’ve had this in the past.  When it happens, I can see how my suffering is on a plane of its own, and that it doesn’t discriminate, it simply spreads - seemingly mindlessly through humanity.  I am disturbed that people do not sense this and I think that it is because the Devil is so well hidden, and so terrifying - when a person witnesses these powers - there is no control.
It rests within this static entropy, beyond time - within the loops of negative action and draws power from this.  Every horrible action that a human has ever done, it has its claws, it’s tentacles, dug in firmly.
I can’t have anything that influences me as I work through this.  The fact that people are so unaware of these influences goes to show that it’s winning.

From now on I will offer no advice, no opinion or criticism.  Beyond the contents of this journal - silence. I will set up monthly offerings to Kali in the hopes that I can be of service to the light, and to help change things for the better.  I am afraid, because I don’t want to die. I can’t turn away from what I have seen.

I know that no matter what happens, if I accept the light, everything will be ok.  This is my responsibility.

I need to set in motion; to practice the right intention.

When I get back, hopefully I will have a greater understanding of how evil works.

Edited by Keyhole

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It went over alright, however this will take some practice.  I plan to try again tomorrow - and to make an altar where my TV is that I never watch. 
Will return in a month when I do my next offering.


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End of the Road

A playlist that goes in depth into the fear and acceptance of death.
It starts off as hateful and bitter in emotion, a gentle soul crushed by the weight of their curse before succumbing to the Truth of the finality of their life and it leaves you with bittersweet notes reminiscent of a cowboy riding off into the sunset.


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Black magic/curses in a nutshell.

Edited by Keyhole

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2/23 -
Today was pretty good.  I woke up this morning and felt so... myself.  I was cheerful, in subspace as well as in petspace, and it happened naturally of its own accord.  I visited my family and got a bunch of things cleaned for them, and have been going out of my way to do more than what is asked for each time.  On the way home I had a panic attack and felt kind of blue. Host Eric drew some tarot cards for me: Knight of cups and the empress. Not sure what either is for, but that’s nice of him.  I’ll look it up later. I’m home now. Relief…

2/24 - 

Order and chaos - how to make the most out of it.

 

I’ve been playing this song for a week - it is a really dorky song, but it works - especially during panic attacks - and a few days ago, I opened something in my heart through the present moment and it felt like a “shock” in my heart area.  Really intense, but it felt nice. I feel afraid something will happen to my heart if I mess with the energy there, but also feel that where I am placing all of it - mind centered - is just as destructive.

Host Eric drew the Empress card for me again.

https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/major-arcana/empress/

My brother is having stomach troubles… I hope it isn’t a bug because I already have long lasting gut issues and do not want to deal with it.
Me: Stop eating so poorly all the time!  Clean up your room! Don’t make your problems my problems!  Rawr!
Also me: Have some acidophilus; I’ll get some things you can eat tomorrow and make some chicken soup for you for the next few days.

2/25 -
Pulled an all nighter.
Finished a playlist…
Feet turned very blue.  I feel nervous. I have to accept it.  I felt so woozy but also comforted. And then I cried some.  No one believes me, for years this has been going on and because it does not happen in the office, they say it is imaginary.  I am being gaslighted by the American healthcare system because they are ableist. Because I am frightened and unsure of myself, they view my concerns as not worth their time or untrue.
At least with heart issues, the likelihood of an NDE increases. 

I need to get over it and realize how alone I am.

Instead of creating false scenarios where everything works out in order to feel safe.

Humble myself before God.  Humble. Be humble.
Eric pulled for me today the ten of wands, the hermit and hierophant in that order.

Feels like tomorrow will be my time of the month - came late this month.

Tonight is a night of surrender - no searching.  Look for the Truth in fear. Offer love.

I am nobody.  Give, give, give.
When I die, I want to stay in the afterlife for a while - this was a hard life, and I want to enjoy unrestricted freedom and love.

I am the witness.  Can’t feel love, but in time… if I stay mindful.
Sickness makes this much easier… desire really is one big kahuna trap.

If Now is all that remains after death, better get acquainted with it…
I can’t feel God’s love, and I feel bad because that is my mission.  And I am failing at it.

 

You never know the consequences of misfortune, so try gratitude.

Searching has diminished.

Return to this place as often as possible…

In this state I can see judgement for what it is.  And can move back and forth between it and presence.

It happens to us all some day.  I hope that I can be brave and can remember to be kind.

2/26 - 

My heart test results came back and the beat was normal, so why do my feet turn so blue?  Why does my tongue turn blue? I got a picture of it. There is NO denying that something is happening.  They are going to have to take it seriously.

Once I get this health stuff figured out, I can move onto my mental health - doing a little bit of it anyways…

Host Eric… you are awesome.  I find this video to be so validating…  I especially like the oh so accurate nicknames such as, “Little Miss Butthurt”, “The Feeling Police”, “Let’s Bond Deeper” and “Tender Moments”.
I should draw this guy a picture of something as a thankyew.  

If I ever get the chance to find someone that I like, this would be a great thing to show. 

Edited by Keyhole

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16bff155263ac173e4e9f9fe87ea3e8e--kali-m

Taken from a response to something somewhere else - someone had said that they don't believe that the masculine is repressing the feminine and that they think that this is a lie brought on by another power and I disagree - a lot of female simps and male warriors - virtue signalers of every variation can out of the woodworks with their own viewpoints - with some women who have experienced the masculine's repression of feminine energy first hand disagreeing.  Me being one of them - was promptly banned after I turned it around and wrote a fake story about how I was going to turn the tables on an innocent man and do the same thing to him.  Just wanted to buy into the viewpoint for a bit of fun.  Just a little bit of trolling...  I can't help myself sometimes.  I seriously would never do something like that to another person consciously and with the intent of damaging them to get back at people who have harmed me - that is hubris.  And assumptive that such a thing could even pan out in my favour.  So many uncontrollable variables.
I made a new account and got into a debate with a woman and didn't intend to, and don't want to back down, but also I don't think that this person will be able to understand where I am coming from - so I feel conflicted - but the response I gave I feel was somewhat decent and I want to keep it here as well.  We live in a world where women will put other women down to signal to men that they are "on their side" in the gender wars and I - as a woman who was silenced and repressed by men - am NOT going to do that.  I will ALWAYS stick up for women because I KNOW how that feels.

The comment:

You have sexist and generalized views of both genders as well, but most likely can’t see that.  I know exactly where my views come from, and why they are there. And men do talk about women in this way, but from a much less informed point of view.  Go look at the channels, the comments made by the general population of male viewers for interviews like this one posted here. An alarmingly large portion of men do not want women to be free or to think for themselves.  If you don’t see this then you’re privileged or are coping somehow. Men are unnecessary. The traditional roles that they used to take on they collectively ruined - and we found a way around it. Society has built for us the structure that men on an individual level would normally provide for their female.  The thing that makes a man “male” - masculine in his rawest form is not necessary anymore.

And the men that you describe are not common.  That is spiral dynamics stage yellow behaviour, and the vast majority of the human population is not able to act in this way because we have not evolved as a society to see viewpoints as intangible ideas that can be plucked from the shelf, inspected and then integrated or put back again.  I am sorry to hear that men disrespected you and I am angry for your experience with them. Respectful men are not the norm, and they never have been. It is one of the reasons why good leaders are so rare and so revered in history. They are so rare that even history takes a pause and we try to set them as examples for humanity to follow.

It reads to me like you are coping with the disrespect you were given by them, by in return by believing that things will be different by respecting them and thinking that if you treat a man like a human being who has needs and desires love just like you do, that it will be different and the truth is there is a high chance that it won’t be simply based on the principle that most human beings cannot see one another clearly.
But from what I can see - there is on a massive scale - humanity collectively moving from desire and all of the lesser emotions on downward (fear, shame, guilt, ect) into anger, pride, and hopefully someday... courage.  Anger and pride is the emotional turning point that we need if humans can do it right. It is an action creator. An instigator of change.
Anger is also the archetype of Kali Ma - (it is here that what I am typing down below should be taken as purely metaphor, not full on religious dogma) and she is a goddess of seeing clearly, by removing the veil of illusion and of devouring “demons”.

Her energy is the natural feedback loop of destructive, but necessary action brought on by humanity's contracted emotional and mental states.  She is quite literally, the repressed animus possessed woman. We are in that state collectively because of suppression of the divine feminine energy in women “and” in men.  Human beings possess “both” genders inside of them energetically, so it isn’t as simple as a man being a man or a woman being a woman.
It isn’t until every demon is devoured from the Earth, and Kali still wrought with rage, does Shiva lay himself under her dancing feet.  She then sees that she is dancing on him and in embarrassment stops and sticks out her tongue in shame/humility. Shiva, the great hunter.  The destroyer. Purveyor of the void. Laid out passively at Kali’s feet, as a container for feminine energy - she dances on him eternally.
That is true, actualized male energy.  The great power of The Destroyer resting calmly at the feet of dancing, creative feminine energy - and there is a long way to go before humanity gets to that point.  There is a difference between a man who submits due to his own repression and passivity, and that of a man who knows his own strength, his inherent destructive power, and lays himself down for the good of greater, creative forces.  There are ancient “demons” i.e. destructive loops that are feeding on the hearts of mankind. Now is the time for Kali Ma. Aggressive female energy is here for a very important reason.
Don’t take my word for it.  I’m p.o.’d and people that are, are usually dogmatic.  Anger is low vibration. I don’t want some random person on the internet to take up my views; I want people to introspect about these things and to become more sensitive to whatever energies are around them.  I want people to stop blaming the feminine for what the masculine has done to repress it - when it is in fact the other way around. I want people to make a connection with the Earth again and feel this for themselves.

I watched this entire interview.  The guy that is being interviewed says he is interested in magic, rituals, spirituality and things like that - and yet simply from viewing the intro on his channel - I can see that he has embraced his masculinity far more than his femininity.  

“I am MALE ENERGY.”

There are certain “tells” within people that can give you a clue as to where they are at.  If that guy actually understood anything deeply about the spiritual, it would have sorted him out pretty quickly.

For someone who is interested in energies, he should theoretically be able to feel both of those energies within himself and within the planet.  Because energy works in a collective fashion, it is not individualistic - it doesn’t abide by the ego’s agenda - despite my dogmatic demeanor, my viewpoints on this subject could be experientially recreated within most any moderately intellectual repressed person through absolute self honesty, introspection and some sort of spiritual practice - I find it hard to believe that people who claim to sense these things cannot sense the repression of the feminine.  Unless they themselves are repressed. And so these viewpoints work against them because if you are repressed, of course you’re not going to see it.
Someone fully integrated is going to be more androgynous, with leaning a little bit more one way or the other, but generally pretty close to the middle.

If you are a woman who was mistreated by men and can't stick up for your own gender then you are abandoning yourself, you're letting your abusers win and silencing women.

I will stick up for a man who is mistreated by women as well.  I don't tolerate abuse or manipulation - because it is infectious.  I know because I have fleas from those environments.

 

Edited by Keyhole

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Awww, puppy, do you have wooorms?

N-no... maybe...

If you take your wormer I'll make it all better.  Close your eyes and open your mouth and I'll give you a big surprise...

Nyyaaaaah'n!

*spit* bleh.

Oh my goodness, this tastes terrible!  What was that?

Oh no puppy, you spit some of it out, it's not gunna work.  Now we have to start all over again.

*opens mouth*

Onedroprulesayswhat?

...What?

What?

#dirtybirdy #obviouslyitshypoxia #onedroprule


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More coming soon - going to spend the day working on this - 

Denial - poison - lethal
Cure - microdose of another poison - hurts like hell, but sets you free - fever break - accept your failure

You failed.


Write a list:

  • How do I know I failed?
  • In what ways did I fail?
  • How do I feel about the fact that I failed? 
  • Accept that you failed.

Trauma bond - virus thrives in an environment of denial - it cannot survive in an environment of radical acceptance and extreme ownership.

“Whatever happens it is mine.”
“Whatever happens within my field is mine.  I own it. I take ownership.”

Doesn’t permit victimhood, passivity, or coping.  Internalizes the locus of control.

This is the antidote.

I am responsible for everything.

Denial cannot survive in an environment where the locus of control is internalized.
Accept whatever has happened.

“I choose to accept it for now.”

It helps to transcend blame and story. Move beyond pettiness.
Abuse victims are power blind.
If you continue to deny that you failed and continue to deny what has occurred then you remain power blind and you rot your life away in victimhood and passivity, having externalized the locus of control - you build a perfect breeding ground for the virus to get deeper and stronger - not only will the trauma bond not be broken but the abuser will achieve a God/Goddess like status by being an organizing principle for your life - but you will start to develop very pronounced narcissistic traits.

Every victim of huge scale trauma who can’t deal with the reality of what happened develops narcissistic traits.  They will turn you into them over time - why? - because narcissism is a response to trauma, it is a coping mechanism based on denial.

They are trauma bonded and try to pass it on - like the movie The Ring - you watch the movie and you are cursed - the only way to survive the curse is to pass it on - and that is how narcissism/wetiko spreads - it is like a virus.

If you don’t break the trauma bond you will become highly narcissistic. 
Because of denial, doubling down and looping and refusal to accept reality.

“I failed.  I failed in this.”

 


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How do I know that I failed?

  • Because my life sucks and nothing is working out right.
  • Because I'm bitter and cold and full of p*ss 'n vinegar and that isn't my natural state of being.
  • Because I have a hard time living in the present moment.
  • Because I'm fearful avoidant.
  • Because I don't have good boundaries, I don't stick up for myself.
  • Because I have health issues from living in long term stressful/abusive situations.
  • Because... awwoooooo!... 56709!
  • Because my spiritual goal is to give love and to be love and I'm in a fear/anger/hate-vibration instead.
  • Because I attract demons.

In What Ways Did I Fail?

  • I didn't stand up for myself.
  • I got too lazy/complacent.
  • I allowed people to break my boundaries.
  • I allowed people to tell me who I am.
  • I abused myself emotionally and mentally and abandoned myself.
  • I forgot how to love myself and others.
  • I treated others poorly in retaliation.

How do I feel about the fact that I failed?

  • Nothing.
  • A searching for some form of deeper emotion.
  • Terror/abandonment anxiety.
  • Sadness.
  • A wish to die, and a wish to live that crisscross.
Edited by Keyhole

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I would hold you and rock you until you changed your mind.  30 years ago I learned that the secrect is to CHANGE ONE'S MIND. 

FINE, FINE, FINE. NOW TELL ME HOW TO DO THAT!

I found out this year. I'll be encompassing that learning one way or another in everything that I write. I have a lot of keys Keyhole. Will you be tolerant? Will you be patient? We are extremely different. That is of great value. It is one thing to appreciate and even ALLOW other people to have their opinions. It is another thing to wear their opinions. I wear my opinions. I wear the same clothes day and night too sometimes. (I'll put on a bra to go to the store because I am civilized). Sometimes it's nice to wear something else though even though my harem pants and t-shirts are so roomy and comfy. Sometimes my clothes like my opinions need washing. And sometimes just because, I pull something from the closet that I bought long ago at a Thrift Shop and I wear that other persons clothes that they wore long ago. Oh! What happened to Becky? She is being someone else today. My opinions have the value of my clothes. And now that I am "Home" again, part of why I am here is to get rid of all those old clothes. And those old opinions. Maybe I will write more in my journal.

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Self love: level unlocked.


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No matter what, all that’s left is the present moment.

No judgement.

Split.

Nobody.

Just give up looking.

Everything is ok.

No matter what.

Surprise surprise surprise little girl it’s all been a bunch of lies.
But don’t feel so bad, we’ll play again soon…

That’s it?!!?!?!

Dear self: you really suck at this.

The present moment is the cure to most ailments.

Screenshot 2020-03-02 at 11.31.40 PM.pngScreenshot 2020-03-02 at 11.21.25 PM.png

I made this out of an invisible coloured pet.
http://wardrobe.jellyneo.net/app/?outfit=3MUM5J9xZt

Cosmic clown


    ^  ^
=(´`)=

 ( )💖( )   stay warm✨

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Posted (edited)

Teaching the dog not to be food aggressive; she did very well - normally snarls a bit or scrunches her nose.
Used this video - it works.

https://time.com/5342964/human-bond-dog-thoughts/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dog-psychology_n_8398778
https://www.cuteness.com/13713964/why-do-dogs-love-their-owners

Edited by Keyhole

    ^  ^
=(´`)=

 ( )💖( )   stay warm✨

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