Keyhole

#2020 Vision - Alchemy Project

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I'm going to do a massive art project over the next year.  My personal philosopher's stone.  This will be my information scrapbook journaling the process.  I'll post what I learn and my progress so you can learn about it too if you'd like.


No comments please, I'm all business (lol) thanks! :D If you have a question, send me a note.


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@2:15 - 2:50 // @3:00 - 3:10 // @5:12 - 5:33 // @8:06 - 8:20 // @8:50 - 9:20 // @9:39 - 10:39 // @11:59 - 12:15 // @12:44 - 13:46 // @14:18 - 14:51

Important, relevant observations from Starpilot33's trip report have been timestamped.

"He said to me, 'There is a very fine line between art and engineering, and that line is the tip of my paintbrush.  I am both an artist and an engineer and everything you see around you is part of the most precious project that I have ever poured my heart into."

Edited by Keyhole

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Above are two quick videos talking about the individual's personal genius, and how we must go out into the world to find it, and the second talks about the fundamentals of alchemy.  Essentially, finishing this project - and putting a lot of time and love and consciousness into it, should do something positive for my feedback loops - transmute something personal - be it a resolution or a continuation.

Supplies bought:

  • rocking chair - to get in the zone when working on a project
  • art sponges
  • glow in the dark paint
    (will be here on the 9th - 11th)

Needed:

  • computer with Wacom access
  • high quality glow powder
  • new glasses - eye exam on the 18th
    (will purchase comp in Jan and powder in Feb or Mar as the powder is the last application, I can hold off on getting it)

How feedback loops work in nature

Edited by Keyhole

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20191204_182125 (1).jpg

Perhaps by the time this is completed I will have a better quality camera.

Edited by Keyhole

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This first video talks about the ways in which Einstein utilized the creative process through divergent thinking and combinatory play.  Tomorrow, I will give an example through the lyrics on the playlist I have posted above and the alchemical process of creating art/individuation.

The second video is a technique mastered by psychologist Carl Jung, called active imagination, where you allow an aspect of your imagination to come to life, while you sit still and meditate, and allow it to guide you into the deep cave of your mind.  When you are done, you can translate these journeys from the unincorporated aspects of your person that need to be integrated and expressed.  Below, I have included a music video that shows how this translation will often look:

 


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I found the first video to be very interesting.  He went into depth what I have been trying to articulate within myself.  This evening feels quite nice.  I'm so close to letting go.  It's almost here...
The second video discusses the differences between convergent and divergent thinking.  A breaking away, and then coming together again.  Both are just as valuable as the other, both are needed to move forward.  I find myself to be more of a divergent thinker, and so following any teachers or religions is very hard for me - because I already have all of the tools I need to grow on my own - and my soul is guiding me along on my own path.

I feel very close to something.  Something very good.  I need to accept that I just don't feel good.  And to stop running from it, all these weird ways that I try to create some sort of longevity for myself, stemming from a problem that I don't really fully understand.

"Undecided in a divided space."

That's why I need to make a decision to finish this project.  For the practice of making a decision.  Follow through.
I spent the whole day getting my art space set up.  Next weekend I bring my chair home.
I had a conversation about cowardice with someone earlier today - followed by finding this video on alchemy, and another one he recently did that talks about how we must be strong and forge our own paths like wolves, and then a video that explained my personal ego issues so well that I feel quite shocked.  It was something I needed to hear, because I often get so blind.  I'm worried that I might cloud over again, instead of moving forward and am wondering if my progress is because of the coffee pot of black tea that I made.  I wonder if my issues with ego are related to a chemical deficiency.  Or maybe not, maybe it is that I have a chemical imbalance, and that the stimulant is simply helping in this instance.  Hard to say.  I will have to rewatch it again and take notes and listen more closely.

I was staring deeply into the face of this collage that I am working on - I perceived it to be calmly smiling - I had an epiphany, but have already lost it.  It was at the very outer edge of what I know.  Something to do with my environment usually looking hostile, and yet I could see the support from the reality that I create all around me.

The face is in the likeness of an alien I saw twice back in late 2012 when I woke up from sleep.  It had skin blacker than the blackest night with eyes that had a grey gradient, a calm expression, high cheek bones, female, a white glow from that deepest black that shone like latex.  The first time it appeared, it was laying next to me - mirrored - on its own pillow.  I awoke, and blinked three times.  Scared, but fell right back asleep.  I assumed it was just a nightmare.  But a few days later, it happened again.  This time, it was standing by my dresser, about 6 feet tall and looking out the window towards the moon.  It was not hiding in the shadows.  It had a very long slender neck, and a robe with a collar that was as black as it was, and blended into it's skin.  I don't know if I thought it or cried it out, but I sat up in my bed and called out, "Go away!"  The alien turned from looking at the moon to look at me, and I heard in my own mind, "You can see me??"  I blinked three times, each time it gradually faded.  I have never seen it again or experienced anything like it.

And so I started this collage back in early 2016 out of the blue, and imagined a story to go with it.  There is so much that has come from working on this that it will take me at least a month to get it all out.  That's why I think I am meant to finish it for a reason I am not quite sure of.  I will start working on it after the New Years.  By then I will have my new glasses.

I remember, this was the song I was playing when I had my first shamanic awakening, when I was chosen for it.

Edit:  I am deep into my body, into my breath.  And I can see how I create my own reality.  For the time being, I have my power back.  There are so many new revelations, but for now the best thing to do is stay present...

I was right, though!  It totally was alchemy!  And reality is a simulation held together by the lie that is fear.

Edited by Keyhole

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Is awareness curative?  I hope so.  This video explains the horns on my devil so succinctly

InnocentFirsthandHomalocephale-max-1mb.g

"That's a bad dog, no cupcakes for you!"

Last night, I spent a decent amount of time looking at my reflection illuminated by my computer screen in the microwave sitting across from the rocking chair downstairs.  When you look at your face in minimal lighting, it will often morph around.  I took notice of this, and watched as my face changed from scary to beautiful depending on my feelings.  I could see the underlying "blank" awareness of myself.  The part that has no preference for what is good and bad.  The "isness".  I felt very centered within myself last night, and that strong resolve has carried over into this evening.

To anyone that I have treated poorly, in any way, I am sorry.  I have been waiting to say that I am sorry until I became realigned, otherwise it is an empty proclamation.

 

Something is coming, but I don't know what it is.


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This is an outline of how I do my playlists.  I am bringing it over from another post in another thread before dissecting the one that I have put together for myself. 

How to create an emotional musical that can be used to - 
Uncover emotional blockages, life purposes, to express an aspect of your soul or as a way to create a soundtrack for a story character or movie.  Creating playlists like this can help you to "open up" to things that you might be suppressing.  This is structured in a way to pull something up out of you and to leave a lasting impression - the impression is to be filled in by questioning and being curious about what arises emotionally.  Look into it.  Go deep.

First Song - Should set the mood for the idea or emotion you are trying to convey.

Second Song - Should ride on the idea, emotion or intent of the first song.  You can tie in such things as lyrics, emotions, the image or music video, the beat, and or natural sounds that help to create imagery and atmosphere.  Make sure that the music remains as authentically true to how you feel and less of what you desire - and more so an aspect of who you are now.

Third Song - For the third track you want it to have commonality with the idea that you are trying to convey, and it should be paired with another song from the first or second half of the musical.  There should be an aspect of "filler".  You do not want too much energy.  Keep it gradual.  Build up the scene.  What, up until now have you been trying to convey?  Ego death?  Loneliness?  Feeling lost?  Despondent?  What are you unable to express or face within yourself?

Fourth Song - This track should tie in somehow with the mood from the previous ones, still building up emotional momentum.  By now your scene should be set and there should be a clear gradual trajectory upwards.

Fifth Song - This song should tie in with all the previous songs, as well as offer the sense that the struggle has either been let go of, the character has "given up", or that they are going to fight for a better outcome.  There should be the flavour of finality; of resolution.  The problem, the scene, the character, and or the underlying emotion needs to be fully fleshed out.  This sense of "mini-finality" will allow the following "emotional peak" to flow through.  A withering before rising up from the ashes.

Sixth Song aka "emotional message" "peak of the play" - You are going to want to pick a good track for the middle-end of your musical.  Something that encompasses all of what you are trying to uncover in yourself!  This can be the entire song, however it packs more of a punch to find a song that hits its highest peak near the end so that the feelings behind your intent can express themselves fully in the next track.  The peak should be short, with a tapering off in the next track that has the flavour of "Oh my gosh, that's what it was all for!"

Seventh Song - This song should dovetail from the track above and act as an emotional booster, a recognition from an unexpressed aspect of Self, "The Messenger".  This dovetailing is important because the energy being built up from the previous tracks is going to want to be expressed.  The brain needs this "this is IT" moment.  In here, there should be a second sense of resolution before moving onto the last tracks, of which those should incorporate aspects of the rest of the playlist.  You want a flavour that keeps the emotional peak going, but at a slow taper that ends quicker than the progression that it took to arrive to the emotional peak.  It is important not to have the last half of the playlist as long, or longer than the first half.  The first song, last song, the emotional peak song, and the song following it should be the first four that you choose in your playlist before adding on the rest.

Eighth Song - Tie in an aspect from one of the songs in the first half.  If you are creating a dialogue between yourself, the listener or two characters, you can "go meta", and have the songs communicate by tying them together through the lyrics.  You would still use the following instructions, but will also have additional connections as the songs that are side by side will communicate together in a weaving in and out sort of pattern.  Like sewing, but with music.

Ninth Song - Try to begin to finalize your expression by tying it in with the last song.

Last Song - For the last song you want it to tie into the first - and finalize what you were trying to convey.  There can be an abrupt ending if you want your emotion to have a strong impact, or a tapering off if you want the feelings to linger for a while.

Extra notes:  

  • This structure can be used to create musicals, to document the flow of emotion, as a way of remembering dreams and to create a basic story-line plot. 
  • Try to keep the playlist at a minimum of ten, maximum of 15 tracks,
  • Pair the first song, the last song, the emotional peak and the song following the emotional peak together first and then fill in the rest of the tracks.
  • If you wish to create dialogue between yourself, an audience or characters, then you will need the songs to have an additional tie where the dialogue weaves in between one and the other.
  • This can be used to remember dreams and keep them in the proper format.  Simply writing them down does not do this as well.  Add what happened, and then jot down any additional details you remember in between.

I suppose I should start with the first video... here goes

They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, "Search for Paradise."

Edited by Keyhole

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I will edit this entry later to analyse in depth the lyrics to my playlist and the connections and insights that I have made to alchemy, but for now there is an insight that is more pressing.  As I sit here in the midst of a panic attack brought on by drinking too much caffeine from the day before - it was intentional.  I needed to bring myself to the edge of my fears.  My phobia of death.

The day before was filled with a string of understanding; I was aligned.  Yesterday, I reached out for more information and could not find it - and I am of the understanding that my spiritual journey is so "out there", that there simply will not be any information that can be found outside of myself.  There is dread in knowing this and a great annoyance at a world that pretends like it has any sort of answers.  We are all stumbling in the dark to a great degree.

What brought about the slew of positive synchronicity, however, was action.  All I simply need to do is get up, and do things.  The lower chakras need to be balanced.  I am going to do a 15/30 habit.  15 minutes of action, 30 minutes of free time/study.  No plans with it, just go.  This should help with the resistance towards action of any sort.  Hopefully.

I am finding that because there are no answers at this time, that it is affecting my faith.  My experiences are just too crazy.  I feel that I have to question the legitimacy of them.  I don't want to be delusional.  When this fear of death kicks in, so too does the default mode network.  I think a lot of my behavioural mistakes stem from this fear.  The over thinking is a baby bottle; a pacifier.  I just can't sit with the fear without thought or needing to move around and focus on something else.  The only way to feel safe is to reinstate my faith, to nurture and grow it - and the only way for this to happen is to uncover more signs from God - and the only way for this to happen is to change my feedback loops, and the only way for this to happen is to do something different.  What can I do?  Move.

I'm questioning how well I understand other people and their intentions and this is causing a lot of anxiety.  I want to find a "pack", my wolves - but everywhere I go, people are too intense, too negatively focused and it brings me right to that.  I can't be there anymore, I'm just done with it.  And so I find myself meandering around people that I barely know online knowing that if I appease to it, that there is at least someone there - but it's going backwards.  The internet is full of this sort of energy.  But it is also full of a good energy, too, and I have connected to God through the utilization of honesty and algorithms.  Technology when used truthfully is a great asset.

The way I think is very strange and I am finding that I can't adapt it to a more neurotypical way of thinking.  So I try to explain myself as best as I can and when the results aren't positive I question myself.  And then I let go, I give up, and I am brought back to spirituality by synchronicity once again - only to have the same thing happen.  The only conclusion that I can come to is that most people who are on the path are not serious.  And it is because they have the choice not to be.  And I think that is where some underlying agitation stems from is that it really muddies the pool in a way that these people don't understand.  And they don't have to.  They can come to it, and leave it whenever they choose  They aren't bound to it.  I couldn't leave even if I tried, it would follow me and work through me no matter what direction I take.

Sitting here, the resolve to survive is very strong.  Despite the overwhelming terror, I enjoy being brought back into my body.  There is a split between losing a great resistance to basic action, however the urge to survive is strong - and so resistance rests there.

I should take the opportunity to congratulate myself in areas that have improved.  I have reduced my abusive behaviour by about 50 percent over this past year.  I have put a lot of work into it.  A large part of it stems from getting my chihuahua puppy, Merry Puppins, last March.  Having her has been a great teacher in learning not to react.  I have been treating my brother better.  There was a slight upset a few days ago, but we smoothed it out quickly.  I have avoided binge drinking for over two months now, and only accept a drink when it is offered.  I have quit drinking coffee - but will brew tea - I have started to eat much healthier, and have cut out sugars, bad carbs, lowered dairy intake by 75 percent, and am buying only grass fed meat not raised w/ antibiotics.  No eggs unless they are cruelty free and free range.  Let's see...

I went off of my prescription medication and have not needed it.  It is much harder being off of it but the side effects would have damaged my health.  I had gone from 120 to 180 in six months.  I am down to 150, and with my new eating habit in place, have actually lost about 10 pounds in 6 weeks.  I am trying to lose the weight gradually.

I have accepted and come to terms with my sexuality, an area of my life that still causes a lot of shame.  It isn't that how I am causes shame, but how others egos have corrupted "wolf-dom" into something sexualized in a perverse way.  I am simply, when completely comfortable in my own skin a very "cute" human being - I am very innocent, full of feelings and instincts; that youthful side comes so naturally.  Fetishists have tried to take it and turn it into something predatory and age inappropriate.  They have turned the cute, vulnerable aspect of being a woman, of being primal - into something "wrong".  And yet I am a woman, in my early 30's, fully my age - with an adorable aspect that is connected underlying to something pure.  Sexually.  And also pure.  Primal.  But not desecrated.  And just like with my spiritual awakenings - because most egos do not have the need to go as deep as I have, they have taken what they don't have and fetishized it.
"Here is what I think I should be, I will now play this role."
But you are not inherently that, and by pretending to be so, you have no heart.

I think that is why when that person made the grave assumption that I was a predator, it bothered me, and still bothers me.  I think about it a few times a day.  Because it is so symbolic to what egos have done to the inner innocence and image of what a primal is.  I want no part in dealing with anyone who is underage and have always been very good with kids - although I find being around them to be draining and so I am generally not.  But I have babysat in the past and worked at a daycare center and did very well but got burnt out quickly.

I look around my living room, and within how I decorate, see someone who has not lost their whimsy and mysticism.  There is a strong presence of me-ness.  This space is imprinted with my personhood.  The more I learn to love myself, the clearer I can see that I am an adorable person.  I don't want to lose that just because the world can be a disgusting place.

Hmmmn... what else?  What else is there to purge right now?  I feel much calmer.  Perhaps in the future when I am struck with a panic attack, I will sit here and write it out, as that also seems to be a good place to come from pertaining to being "clear".

I need to stop thinking that there is something wrong with me, simply because the world has reduced what I am into childish behaviour, predatory actions, lollipops, brutal and angry sex, and objectification.  

I am simply a young, innocent and vulnerable soul.  And that is beautiful.  Not shameful.

Play...
That is God.

 

Edited by Keyhole

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I'll have to do my Jungian analysis later - there are other things that are prompting me to address first.  I am finding that I will often listen to or read a lecture/article and the information will not pierce what it should until the right steps have been put in place first.

Top Down Awakening.  (in progress)

What is a top down awakening?

So what is a Top-Down Awakening?
A Top-Down awakening in simple terms means that your crown and third eye chakras are open and that you have quite a bit of energy surrounding your head and shoulders. Basically, you are receiving input from the heaven/sky but not the earth. Due to genetics, spiritual pursuits, or other reasons you have opened yourself to the divine, to spirit, and to the different and hidden layers of realty. It is fairly easy actually to open to spirit and to begin to be more connected to spiritual matters.

Many people end up with this type of awakening because they became interested in spiritual pursuits, started attending classes, doing drugs, reading literature, and finding gurus and other teachers who show them how to seek outside of themselves. Others begin life with a top-down awakening due to family history of psychic abilities or previous life abilities carried forward into this life.

The issue with this type of awakening is that it is not grounded in anything. It is not required to do much personal work or to open your first three chakras to have this type of awakening. The person experiencing this type of awakening begins to separate from this earth, this reality. They often will claim to not want to be here, or to originate from elsewhere. This very much may be true, but a recognition of the human body, the body that you are carrying this lifetime, and a desire to be grounded and do personal work, which is often quite difficult, is necessary for a full awakening or to come to a state of balance if you are experiencing this type of awakening.

What are other symptoms or experiences of the Top-Down awakened?
The person undergoing a top-down awakening will have immense energy circulating into their crown, third eye, and around their head and shoulders. Unfortunately for the experiencer of this, the energy is not able to move much further down because the throat chakra and heart chakra require the lower chakras to be open to open themselves. So the energy is stuck in the upper body- leading to a bottleneck of energy, headaches, neck pain, disassociation, ego issues (these are some of the people who tell others how awakened they are or that they are enlightened but still are quite judgemental and lack focus on their own issues), and significant mental health issues including mania and depression can develop.

It is also quite common for the Top-Down awakened to be in a great deal of physical pain. Hip, back, foot, and leg pain are prevalent, but the all-over pain that comes with issues such as Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, and other Autoimmune and Connective Tissue disorders are common in this category. It is also common for the experiencer to carry weight around the mid-section but have thin legs, and a constant raising of the shoulders towards the ears.

Other symptoms include: being open to spiritual guidance, psychic abilities, mediumship and channeling capabilities, understanding of patterns and concepts from a different vantage point (which is due to many of these individuals being halfway out of their body so they really do have a different perspective), headaches, sinus pain, closed off feelings in the throat, thyroid issues, cravings for meat, chocolate, carbohydrates, or other grounding foods, delusions, paranoia, and feelings of heaviness or stuckness in the shoulders, upper back, heart, neck, and head.

What is happening energetically to the Top-Down awakened?
This is a significant energetic imbalance, and the energetic field of the experiencer often appears to look like an inverted cone. Often the experiencer is partially or fully out of their bodies/disassociated, and they prefer to remain this way. They feel different and separate from everyone else, and some remain in elaborately set up illusions of their own creation. This is because they Top-Down awakened has awakened enough to be able to manifest, but for this group it is rarely on a conscious level- so the creation of significant blocks, illusions, and other issues of a spiritual and physical nature is quite common due a relay of unprocessed personal and emotional material creating reality for them.

A Top-Down awakening can be extremely beneficial to open psychic abilities. It gives you the ability to connect with spirit, and the ultimate ability to connect to true divinity.

What are the difficulties of this type of Awakening?
This type of awakening is BY FAR the most common awakening to get stuck in. It also can be the most dangerous because it creates an environment energetically where you are not quite a part of any reality. With the ability to easily shift through dimensions, times, perspectives, and being fully or partially out of your body, it creates opportunity for other energies to attach, and for you to lose a sense of identity or purpose. Without the support that earth and grounding offers, it is difficult to filter the intense energies that are coming through. The more the lower chakras are blocked the worse the imbalance is.

With this type of awakening it is common to see people keep their spiritual lives and their physical lives quite separate. By this, I mean that they may be all about love, light, angels, and awakening in workshops or online, but in their daily lives they are often quite miserable and do not want to participate in life. Often I work with people struggling with depression and anxiety who put on an outward appearance, a mask of being spiritual and enlightened but in their daily lives they are struggling to function, to engage with others, or to want to be on Earth.

The other difficulty with the top-down awakening is that it is difficult for people to want to do their personal work. It can be fun to go to workshops, to visit gurus, to spiritually seek. For the experiencer to be healed, to come to a state of balance,  or to progress further in their spiritual path, they must begin to do the personal work that they have been avoiding. To let go of the ego, the Facebook memes that tell you what awakening is supposed to be like, and go internally to find out is a scary proposition. By working through personal baggage and reestablishing a personal connection with the Earth, with ancestry, and by dropping the mask that comes with being spiritual comes a state of balance, strength, power, and full realization.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

I need to reestablish myself back into my body.

 

Therein lies the threshold demon.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

I feel agitated for some reason.  I want my authenticity to embrace itself and don't want anyone to take that from me - people try, and they have succeeded.  Being unique has its downfalls, as people often don't have that aspect of themselves fully cultivated.  Most people can't really tell the difference, nor do they care, and so when it is stolen from me - watered down - folks don't understand what a serious problem that is for someone who has already been silenced.  They want the archetype of the orphan who rises above it all; they want that pain that creates a certain signature of depth, but without having to actually wade through the trenches.

Women who want to feel special do this.  They wear crowns of paper. 
What was stripped from you?  A little of this?  A little of that?
Was it everything?
Was it quite literally everything?

You can't have my soul.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Well, well, you better run from me
You better hit the road
You better up and leave
Don't get too close
'Cause I'm a rolling stone
And I keep rolling on
You better run from me
Before I take your soul

If I go, let me go
Don't you follow me, let me go
I will let you down, let me go
Even if your heart can't take it
Light me up in flames
Light me up, ayy

You better run from me
You better say goodbye
And even if I plead
Don't waste your time
'Cause I'm a broken home
You're better off alone
You better run from me
Before I take your soul

Dear little me,
Don't forget.  The moment you think there is meaning, you might very well find that there is none.  Keep growing, but don't think that guarantees that you will escape anything.  There is a thin line to walk across.  Death is a friend.  Become more acquainted.

Fuck.  Ok.... you're the boss...  I am your humble servant.  

Edited by Keyhole

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I am still recovering from yesterday and am quite tired from the amount of information I have gotten over the past few days.  It takes a lot of work for me to get it all out, as I am not a strong person in mind nor in body.  I had my first synchronicity due to taking action - it wasn't what I wanted.  Kind of inconvenient, but, God has a sense of humour.

So I was watching this short little interview on toxic shame and healthy shame - the people discussing it used the dark feminine archetype and Instagram as an example of how this archetype, in their experience, plays out.  I don't really use social media and so I am not really privy to how these influencers use this technology.  So, someone had made this comment:

"Satan is all powerful and social media is of him, a wise man once said many years ago, long before the internet, he said that they will advertise it in such a way that the masses will flock to it and desire to own it."

And I responded with:

"Not always, it is how you use social media. If you use it as a vehicle for strengthening ego, then you will suffer, if you use it as a method of finding Truth, then that is what you will get. I've found God peering at me through the algorithms many times due to following the trail of absolute honesty. Satan 'is' God - it is a purposeful glitch in the system that allows imperfection and free will. If everything was perfect, then God would already know itself and the feedback loops that it works through would fizzle out; entropy. Everyone who ever lived, from your vantage point - stands behind you - and so all that is needed is for you, the individual, to remove the "Devil/Wetiko" - and in turn you will benefit the rest of society. That's what people who look outside of themselves at social media/narcissists/ect don't quite understand. Don't worry about the Satan in anyone/anything else - worry about it from within you."

 

I had added the link to this song to give an example of what I am talking about.  I felt guilty afterwards, because although I understand this - I am still not refined and have issues with it as well.  Worrying about, and becoming emotionally disturbed by the Devil in other people.  I decided that I should listen to the words and really try and take it what was being said.  The egg timer went off, and I set it for 15 minutes - my "action" time.  I decided to make a pot of tea (I don't own a diffuser).  It was labeled "Passion".  I undid the tea bags and added five servings of it to the coffee filter.  For some reason, despite the tea being ground very finely, the water did not go through, and it began to overflow.  Due to how concentrated the tea was, it was as bright and thick as blood.  I didn't put the two and two together - as I had started thinking about various ideas in how the lyrics of this song tied into Jesus's sacrifice.  Then it clicked.  The tea running over, bright blood red - we sacrifice ourselves for the sins of everyone around us - because as individual vantage points, for our short time on Earth - everyone else stands behind us.  I am behind all of you, just as you are behind me.

And that, in essence, is Jesus's sacrifice.

(I threw the coffee pot away, it was just too dirty with that red tea, and I noticed that the inside of it was starting to look kind of crummy.  It was a five year old, 30 dollar machine.  Rest in peace Coffee Maker Jesus.  You died for my sins.  The Bubbling.  It's happening.)

Edited by Keyhole

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This is a rehash from an old awakening.  I feel I should keep it here as a reminder to myself.  I need to follow this instruction when coming from a manifesting place:

You Are b e h i n d all of it, the good and the bad.  The whole screen.  Behind it.
Question your beliefs
When I dance at the edge of singularity she sweetly reminds me that I have forgotten something essential to who I truly am.  
I am ridden through the tunnel where madness and imagination are loosely defined. 
I have been invited in.
I now know how to move the energy so that it rests in my heart and how to move towards Truth. 
I am the Underside.  Slit your eyes in the darkness and then You Will See all that I Am.  Come This Way to Heal. I Will string You Up by your chest.
I’m afraid of being swallowed up.  I don’t think that I can let go of control, to step aside and allow my Heart to lead me into Nothingness.  But I can’t turn away either.

It’s all me.  Surprise. 

I can't feel anything at all without you...

It’s all a story.  So intricately designed.  It goes on forever. It isn’t real and yet it will continue to go on forever.  It feels as if all of life itself were attempting to burst out from the present moment.  I do want it. ...I think. Just a very taste of who I really am. It’s like stepping off of a train… the story isn’t real.
A chorus of wolves singing through the opposite side of a patchwork quilt.

                    👑
                  💀✨
              🌈💗🌐
         🌇🌄🗻🌌🌆
                   🌱         
          I am my own authority

 

d8140uh-79ad638f-71e5-4eab-883f-4c4f77181790.jpg
God is the purity of a child's spirit, singing reality into existence - trapped in eternity forever, the voice is soft as it moves through, and binds the material world together.
66046393_124361702148649_3119520560531374080_o.jpg
A cluster of souls.  My family.  My ancestors.  WE SING.  All of us together.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Calypso of the Dearest INFP's has offered up some great advice.  Don't neglect extroverted intuition.  Be careful not to get too complacent in doing the same things every day.  I had been watching TWFP, and he mentions that INFP's seek Te, however, it seems to me as though I seek the joy of combining many different ideas, like a collage.  Extroverted thinking can bring it all together, but Fi/Ne is the orchestrator.  Te is the dance.
I am still having trouble getting started with my 15/30 rule.  I think that part of it stems from perfectionism, as well as... I kind of don't want whatever God is moving me towards.  I do.  But I don't.  It's going to be hard.  Not being in my head anymore?  That's my safe place.  I am totally on board with what this girl has to say, though.  This video is brilliant.  Perfect.  Just what I needed to hear.  Maybe this is something I need to spend the next few days researching, is how to move forward.

There is a hunger that is stirring up inside of your mind
It keeps on twisting and a turning to the sound of desire
You wanna taste and see and drink from the cup
You cannot rest, there is no giving this up I'll spin a silver string and hang up all the stars that you find
I will move Give you rhythm
Speak in tongues
Til you listen, listen, listen
You feel my words, they hit like thunder coming down from the sky
You wanna give in to the song that keeps repeating inside
it goes 'Oh can you save me from the sickness of love'
Tussle with angels but you're not strong enough
Rest on my shoulder til it's over and the battle is won
I will move Give you rhythm
Speak in tongues
Til you listen, listen, listen
I will move Give you rhythm
Speak in tongues Til you listen, listen, listen

(This is a good note to end on, I think...)

giphy.gifRespectfulMeagerEasternnewt-max-1mb.gifallison.gif

Edited by Keyhole

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@3:54 @4:44 @7:00 @9:22 @11:00 @11:30
It’s all about remembrance.
Remember to be aligned when you do your work!
@14:00 @14:35 @16:16 @18:13 @19:00
Blame is the most subtle form of imagination.
@20:45 @21:40 @22:35 @24:54 @25:24
What is forgiveness from the highest level?
“I forgive them for forgetting or forsaking their own divinity.”
They didn’t see my divine light because they have forgotten or forsaken theirs.
I forgive you for forsaking the light in my presence.
And thank you for giving me the opportunity for remembrance of my divine nature by allowing me to forgive you.
@27:11 @27:49 @28:10 @30:30 @31:20
Real forgiveness is a rebellion against blame.
@32:00 @32:22 @32:41 @33:29 @33:50 @34:22 @34:44
Blame is when we point our finger at another person for forsaking our light.
Processing is when we talk about how we feel.
@35:13 @36:05 @36:50
“I wanna hear about feelings, because feelings are objective, but what you conclude about your feelings is a projection.”
@39:30 @40:10 @41:26
You can’t love it away, you have to love yourself through it.  It will go when it goes.
@42:30 @43:55 @44:10 
You’ll know the feelings you have not spent enough time with because these are the feelings that you blame instead of embrace.
Accept your feelings, no matter what arises.
@47:40 @48:53 @51:29 @51:40 @52:28
When we don’t know how to feel, that is when we use our imagination against ourselves.
And if we boil down spiritual cultivation it comes down to a lifelong practice where in order to be aligned in spiritual practice you cannot focus on the outcome of what the practice supposedly guarantees.
True spiritual practice is not trying to get you into outcome oriented awareness, true spiritual practice is trying to seduce you into falling in love with being aligned with the practice.
@54:08 @55:05 @57:40 @59:05 @1:00:42
When you help people feel good, you help awaken them to their own divinity.
When you master a practice, you don’t stop, you make it something that you enjoy doing.
Don’t speak when angry, use your words to bless.  Words are a living practice of cultivating the Light of the Universe for all.
@1:03:04 @1:03:33 @1:04:33 @1:05:50 @1:06:00 @1:08:22
Be bigger than the hurt that prevents others from surrendering to the light that dwells within them.  There isn’t a single soul that the divine hasn’t loved. Truly.
@1:10:00 @1:14:33
Fear of death is the suppression of the feminine beauty by the fear of the unconscious masculine that is afraid to die in surrendering to it’s feminine counterpart.
@1:15:51 @1:16:25 @1:17:58 @1:18:28
When we learn to take care of ourselves we remind other people to take care of themselves.
We then don't need anything from one another and can just enjoy the beauty of sharing space with one another, this is true intimacy.
You need to have a loving relationship with all of your feelings.
Alignment is what makes what you used to call work into the joy of self care.

@1:20:00 @1:20:35 @1:21:29 @1:21:50 @1:23:15
The soul desires nourishment to feed you with the things you need to have balance in your life.

The more time you spend in your heart the more you crave the things that are actually good for you.
Cravings are a reminder that you spend too much time in your mind, so thank it for the reminder.
What does it feel like to crave something and not give it what it wants?
@1:24:50
What if the only reason why my feelings are scary is because I am perceiving them from my imagination, and my imagination tells me that I can't leave my imagination because those feelings are scary, but that just keeps me in my imagination!  Not because my imagination is holding me hostage... purposely, but because it is just a pattern who's only job is to maintain the pattern.  So my imagination will tell me anything other than being imagination is scary.  Which could only be the play of imagination.  When I overlook the play of imagination, my imagination plays me.  And if I spend more time feeling openly, I'll find not so many scary things.  And instead of craving things that I am allergic to, that is just showing me how much more time that I spend in my imagination, I can be more rooted in my feelings, and when I am more rooted in my feelings, I feed myself with the things that nourish my heart instead of making my imagination more aggressive and monstrous.  And so I am free.
@1:27:45 @1:30:31 @1:31:47 @1:37:38 @1:37:50
When your imagination starts craving, like "Oh my God I am going to die without this", that is your imagination freaking out because of getting close to waking up.

If you say, "no thank you" with enough sweetness, your mind will collapse.
Most people are so separate from their consciousness that they only perceive divinity to be wrathful when it is actually all loving.
You remember your divinity not with your imagination, but with your heart.
"I am"

A good song that describes the process of moving past the fear of death into the arms of the divine feminine's love.

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Adi Parashakti - A few years ago I had a hard time breathing while sleeping, and I dreamed the image of this woman, who was waiting at the other side.  My soul wasn't ready, and so I woke up.  Months later, I came across this image - this was the spirit.  If she could speak, I imagine her words would be similar to the song above.

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Top Down Awakening

What are my intentions:

  • To heal my body from sickness
  • To heal my mind from sickness
  • To remain present within my body
  • To manage sensory overload/remain grounded
  • To be a good person and a godly woman
  • To be an artist that is able to transmute understandable cosmic ideas
  • To love myself fully
  • To feel safe
  • To know that God has my back and that I am not alone

Amen.

Beautiful photo by Julie Hudson.jpeg

The very crux of the problem.  No boundariesNo distinctions.  This should have been created for me by a healthy family unit, and now I find myself bleeding out into the world around me.  I need to be careful about binging on too many videos on personality disorders.  I've been watching Sam Vaknin for the past few days and I'm like, okay, now I think I am a blood sucking little beast, ready to eat your finances and steal all your energy...
Took a few narc tests.  Came back lower than normal NPD levels.  BPD doesn't seem right, either.  I am honest, and I spend most of my time alone.  But I still have problems with boundaries, and emotional regulation, and I am afraid that I might be too self centered, and I am also wondering if maybe I am being too hard on myself for having held it all in for so long.  It's being expressed in my body.  I need to get all these old emotions out, so that I can move properly within reality.  I am using the journal section of Actualized, but have taken a step back from the forum for the past few days and will probably go through a delete most of my posts, and just use this section of the website, as I am finding that no matter where I go, I have no way of staying within myself.  I really want that.  I feel as though, if I get all of this out quickly, then hopefully I can start moving forward in a way that will manifest a life where I am not sick and scared.  There is a sense of urgency.  

Is this urgency the ego, or a desire for Truth?
Sometimes it is so hard to tell.

https://ddlgguide.wordpress.com/2019/01/31/psychology-of-little-space-with-a-theory-of-anxiety-in-little-space-and-tools-for-managing-anxieties/

The psychology of little space.
I am just going to have to bite the bullet and research it.  I'm not a creeper about it, it's just that I am really really cute.  I think part of what is preventing me from wanting to understand this side of me is that it attracts some really fucked up people with some really fucked up paraphilias.

I don't have any paraphilias at all.  And I am not interested in the weird side of it, but the psychological aspect of integration (eventually), what else can I do?  The shame is real, yo.  But why?  Traditional Asian girls just act like themselves and there isn't this weird thing about it.  Why is it that my femininity is wrong, and considered borderline paraphilia?  

source.gif

Ba-woo extermination project.  Killing off the True Hearts.  Nice job, you sobs. 9_9

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To do list for today/tomorrow:
- finish matt kahn notes
- pick up ulcer meds
- 15/30 rule - maintain manifestation mindset
- more research on little space - how to either move into it or out of it gracefully, depending on which is most appropriate for personal growth/health

- thursday - pick up pet food
- thursday - write up health issues to give to doc on 30th - ask for heart monitor.  be as specific as possible - get this fucking solved, already

Edited by Keyhole

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My 20 pack of art sponges and uv glow paint came in the mail today!  Very excited.

Will pick up ulcer meds tomorrow morning, the packages didn't come until later in the evening and I have reoccurent thieves that like to steal packages from my front door.  I think that for tonight, I am going to look into sexuality, and little space.  And personal space.  And outer space, too, for that matter.  I have been thinking about it... and have come to the ready made conclusion that they need to change the name of this dynamic to something else because it is confusing littles for age players.

I set my timer for 15 minutes, and found that I couldn't be mindful while doing housework.  My mind started thinking about previous scenarios where I was treated wrongly.  My mind still goes to this place, because there was no resolution.  I had let a lot of toxic people into my life, and how they left my life, no resolution.  On top of that, it is hard to look at my behaviour for what it is as well, and so the overthinking seems to sort of be an unhealthy ruminating mechanism to protect my ego from seeing it for what it really is.  It has a very Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of quality to it, where I feel completely immersed in my pain and the outside world no longer exists.  I want to forgive them for what they did, and to see myself clearly so that I can be a good and consistent person.  I don't like having qualities that I would rather drive myself insane than open up to, it makes me feel confused about my identity.  I am concerned that the idea of simply getting up to do things without resistance, with the idea of it being a spiritual practice to manifest a healthier life for myself might be a delusion, but I know that it isn't.  I just hope that I don't randomly die from heart failure or this ulcer or something like that.  The instructions are, and have always been very simple:

1.  We are all one.
2.  Grow these feedback loops by projecting love and gratitude outwards.
3.  You are not alone.
4.  Practice this daily.

What is on my mind that is annoying me?  I'm concerned that people will drag me down as I try to grow myself.  Scenarios of previous BPD women that I used to know, who would see this, and emulate my identity.  And somehow it would work.  Seeing be grow prompted other women to push me down and take that from me.  The situations themselves, the fact that it happened, is a good thing, because they aren't in my life, but it still bothers me and I worry.  I would offer examples, but does it really even matter?  They were such childish instances in my life that I should be able to laugh it off.  Why can't I?

A good example of this is Rachel from Senza Tempo.  This woman worked her ass off to start her own breeding program and she does a damned good job.  Other breeders pick on her and try to tear her business down because she is authentic and good and what she does.  She's a True Heart.  And it is all because she was too good at what she does.  Women and sometimes gay men are like this.  

I'm about ready to grow too.  And I don't want any monkeys on my back.  Emotional boundaries.  I need to remain in a clear and calm state of mind during this process.  Creating this barrier is on me.  If I become affected by outside circumstances, then this is my fault for not making these boundaries.  It is as simple as being mindful within my own body.  These things are so simple, that my little hamster mind loves nothing more than complicating it, just to avoid doing it.  Why?  Because I suck at adapting. 

'Bout sums it up. 

I posted this song here, because the eye reminds me of the cover of one of Sri Aurobindo's books on the soul aka psychic being, and it reminds me of what was used in the psychology of little space link that I will post in a little while.  I am going to follow Matt Kahn's advice and go into the feelings as they come, so here are some concerns:
Music seems to do something to me.  About four and a half years ago, I had worked on an exercise that is supposed to increase empathy.  It is where you look at a character you relate to.  I related to Danny from Freaks and Geeks.  I spent that day watching the show and really looking at the character and feeling into their plight.  Feeling like a stupid person.  Changing myself to fit it.  I went downstairs and put on Frozen's "Let it Go".  I actually really don't like that song, but thought that the lyrics would provide resolution.

When the song came on, I started to feel emotions that I felt when I was really little, living back in Phoenix, AZ - I don't remember that time of my life very clearly.  These lyrics came up:

Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go

And boom.  It was like I was back there emotionally, as a child.  I had been molested.  And to this day I don't know who did it.  My family won't have an honest discussion.  It wasn't my brother.  I thought it was my dad, but I know him really well and he doesn't act guilty.  He seemed very confused when I initially accused him of it.  I mean, who else would I think it could be?  I think that my mother might have an idea of who, but the whole case was shut down by them before it ever even got started.

And so I have another dissociative side to myself, that has come out when very stressed.  It isn't integrated and rarely ever shows itself and so I don't know how to integrate it, but the times that it has - I was drunk or on drugs.  I don't do either anymore.  It is like, I would be taken over by other person and would find myself in ditches or walking down the highway - this happened when I was 18, walking down the highway, after a Cold Stone interview.  I did such a good job that they wanted to hire me as a manager later down the road, despite it being my first job.  Either I am really good at covering for myself or people are just really bad at judging character.  I had at one time almost gone home with someone sketchy because I froze back into myself - it was like a puppet was controlling me.  I don't put myself in situations like that anymore.

There are a lot of very weird puzzle pieces.  I don't have them altogether yet.  I think that this is a key element within this little space.

20190408_053840.jpg410tnfH4o9L._SX328_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

I had a lot of odd thinking growing up - I wasn't raised around religion and yet would often act out the abuse by pretending to be a dog named Apple that went through an immense amount of pain due to experimentation - where I offered up my body to the world to save it.  That is abuse for sure, that isn't normal for a four/five year old to have masochistic play like that.

maxresdefault.jpg 

To this day, I will at times have vivid dreams of being stuck as a human being given automaton reactions by other entities.  I will try to escape, but I am always brought back to the illusion of reality.  The way out is overcoming the fear of death.  Wetiko.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Psychology of Little space : with a theory of anxiety in little space and tools for managing anxieties

I'm not going to focus or mention the "daddy dom" aspects of this, because quite frankly - I just don't care *lies*.  I doubt that anyone I could ever meet would qualify nor understand at the level that I need, nor do I really *think* I deserve it.  Contemplating more on deserving of much of anything - the archetypes of Kali and Shiva work well with this.  Just a connection, I'll think more on it later.  It might explain why I sense this archetype in other people playing out.

1. General overview of Little space :

Little space is the state of the individual where she becomes a ‘human being that is in stages of development but with full grown body of an adult.’
“The stages of the development” is divided into ages. Based on the age of the development, the little becomes middle and big. In little space, when she is in the early stages of development, she is called a little. When she is at the middle stage of development, she is called middle. When she is the last stages of development, she is called a big.
A “Little age” is the age or age range, a Little uses to identity the age of herself when she is in her little space or when she is her little self fully.
A “Little age” is not fixed. A little can have a age range for her little age that may change with time. For example, her little age maybe 2 or 4 to 5. When she says that her little age is 2, when she is in little space and being her little self, she behaves in a manner of an individual who is in their early development age of 2 years. When she says that her little age range is 4 – 5, it means that her little space and little self behavior circles between ages 4 to 5 years. One time she can be that of age of 4 and another time she can be that of age 5.
Her little age and its age range may change with time, thus, if her little age is 4 this week, it maybe 3 next week or again it maybe 2 the week after that. Her little age stays in a state of flow, changing its range according to the time of the day and events around her and her relationship, how comfortable she feels with herself, how happy she is.

I don't know what "age" I am.  All I know is that I have an unincorporated aspect of personality that regresses when comfortable or under extreme stress.

There are also Littles who don’t have a specific little age or age range. For them being a little is who they are 24/7, so there is not any fixed little age for them. If you ask them what their little age are, most of them will mention that they don’t have a fixed age and they don’t about their little age range. It would be really hard to put an age for their little self. Because it becomes their identity.

That sounds almost about right.

TBC for tomorrow, I'm tired.

Edited by Keyhole

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The energetic difference between what egos have co-opted "little-dom" to be:

What it really is:

76283.gif

There is a difference, between those who have a True Hearted spirit that should be set free, and those who are using a kink as a way to denigrate that spirit.  

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I found my shaman's drum.  I will buy it in Feb.  It is just like the song in which I learned that all of reality is an illusion.  The image chosen for it:

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 7.16.49 PM.png

I made... this sound... for y o u...

Edited by Keyhole

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434 always on time with a message at just the right time.  I was having a panic attack because my illness is flaring up, and it causes a lot of fear around the concept of death - and this pops up in my feed.

I also found this a few days ago, and agree 95 percent with both of their views on art psychology and the philosophy of art.  

I like that both of these people have had strange alien experiences, overcame traumas, and harsh spiritual initiations and are both healthy, happy and competent people with a low to nonexistent level of insanity.  It gives me hope that by the time I finish my journey - if I do not pass away first - that I will have the same levels of wisdom and can carry myself in a way that is polite, authentic and gentle while also being "different". 

I have been following 434, Matt Kahn, Richard Grannon, Teal Swan, The Diamond Net, Actualized, Naked Reality, This Jungian Life and Sifting to the Truth - and everyone has been so helpful, thank you.  I highly suggest adding their channels.  They are all around stage green/yellow/turquoise in content.

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Don't think about all those things you fear... just be glad to be here.

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A close up of a portion of my collage.  I am pretty happy with how this part is turning out, the lines are very smooth.

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Colour details.

There will be a hummingbird drinking from the flower when it is done.  I have a journey that I went on a few years ago with this hummingbird, and so I will post the story of it when I am finished.
It all ties into alchemy - and that playlist that I posted above called the Ballad of Shiva and Kali Ma.  More puzzle pieces will unfold over this next year if all goes according to plan.

 

Edited by Keyhole

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Same places that I would like to create when I die, when I remember more of who I am - laid out, eternal.  
The story, as I create it, is beginning to fall away as I accept mortality.

last_goodbye_by_sigfodr_dcsgfj8-fullview.jpgd2zltjb-dd4e17a2-36a4-4c48-83e8-7d56020c5d32.jpgone_world_by_sigfodr_db410vr-fullview.jpgdd8mkhl-0291ce94-0b54-4590-a716-d46beafc23a5.jpgSunset_at_Long_Beach_(South_Africa).jpgbrightly_by_justinderosa_dczfqny-fullview.jpgblue_by_inthepoole_dc1q31h-fullview.jpg62154452_392463908026891_8736673833295020032_o (1).jpgdcxu3e8-910fea72-3c8f-40ad-885b-ee4c507304f2.jpg______by_fatalv-d8jojgk.jpg

 


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This is a really good NDE.  It showed up in my feed when I woke up this evening.  It talks about that unified field that I am trying to get back to.  This song here also ties in well with the trees plugging into the light of the moon, or God's energy.  It has a really positive vibe to it.  The best thing about facing the fear of death when confronting the possibility of it is that the story stops, and you are left in your body, in presence.  I have been running around with this for a few years now - I'm not going to back down from it this time.  It's the last barrier between me and God.

Maybe God knows?  When I wake up from my dreams and become lucid, my first instinct is to look for God.  In the mountains, or the moon, or the forest.  It's so pristine and free.  I wonder if that's how we all came to be?  We started out in this garden, and became lonely.  And so God split us in two, and so on and so on.  And now we are here, all of us.  I feel so unbelievably changed since starting this journal - the absolute honesty is refreshing.

I was trying to escape into outerspace on a bottle rocket
Looking for a happy place, little piece of grace
Put it in my pocket
Yeah, I jumped and I flew till I fell where I am
Tried to get away, but I slipped on my hands
You should have seen my face standing at the gates
No one to unlock it

Sunshine is gonna come now
Rain down, all over you
Good times are gonna come now, look 'round
Baby it's true
Sunshine is gonna come now
Rain down, all over you
Good times are gonna come now, look 'round
Baby it's true

Sunshine
Sunshine

Throwing wishes at the street
Following my feet
Looking for a moment
I was blowing with the breeze
Swinging on trapeze
Going through the motions, yeah
Oh but time, ain't got time to be waiting around
She too busy paying money and she ain't slowing down
I'm still cutting all my teeth on a faded dream
Watching it unfolding, yeah

Sunshine is gonna come now
Rain down, all over you
Good times are gonna come now, look 'round
Baby it's true

Sunshine

Woah, my my
Sun is gonna shine, gonna shine on through
Woah, my my
Woah, it's gonna shine, gonna shine on you

Woah, my my
Sun is gonna shine, gonna shine on through
Woah, my my
Woah, it's gonna shine, gonna shine on you

Sunshine

Sunshine is gonna come now
Rain down, all over you
Good times are gonna come now, look 'round
Baby its true

Sunshine is gonna come now
Rain now, all over you
Good times are gonna come now, all around
Baby its true

Woah, my my
Sun is gonna shine, gonna shine on through
Woah, my my
Woah it's gonna shine, gonna shine on you

Woah, my my
Sun is gonna shine, gonna shine on through
Woah, my my
Woah it's gonna shine, gonna shine on you

 

The person who had their particular NDE mentioned that gravity was like water, and so it got me thinking about this song, especially because it also relates to finding harmony within one's self.  This has then got me thinking about the moon and the connection between the two.  Which is another theme that seems to come up.  Moons.

The moon is the divine feminine, death, the light, flow.  These patterns are what happens when you put water on a speaker.

I happen to have the same visual phenomenon, when I am about to fall asleep, if a loud sound happens sometimes the actual image of that sound will flash before my eyes.  Synesthesia.

It looks just like the music video above when it happens.  

Edited by Keyhole

    ^  ^
=(´`)=

 ( )💖( )   stay warm✨

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I'm going to start a little YouTube channel for my art projects.
I feel really insecure about starting it, but who knows, maybe I'll grow to enjoy it?
I'm about to have an ego backlash.  A few days of inspiration... I acted childish.  It is resolved.  I could have stopped it and should have, and will try to do better.
I feel overwhelmingly insecure about my worth for some reason.  Am I worthy of love?  Can I grow?  What can I do about this childish aspect of myself?  There is a good side to it, and a bad side.  It sits in my gut, this nauseous and ticklish sort of feeling.  Am I doing something wrong?  Am I being wrong in some way?  Am I focusing on what is important?  Is this the right direction to move towards?  Who could possibly love someone like me?  Does that even matter?  There are more important things to me moving towards, and yet this is nagging me.  Do I focus too much on myself, or is that a good thing at a time like this?  Am I safe?  Am I good?  Am I a good person?  Is the act of asking the question of, am I a good person, indicative of being good or is it a cop out to avoid the fact that I might not be?  Or have I been all along, but I'm hiding who I am underneath a layer of old constructs?

And then there is the absolute - and none of this matters.  Am I smart?  Am I stupid?  I can't see myself clearly.  I don't know what I want - if my health doesn't improve, then there is nothing to strive for.  Stuck in limbo.  I should let go of these insecurities.  Stupidly smart.  Smartly stupid.  I took some action last night.  It wasn't conscious enough, but at least it got done.  A part of me hopes that if I can run this program all the way through that it will eventually just stop.  But I haven't quite gotten the key in the door yet.  It's jammed and I am fidgeting with the lock, trying to find a way back to presence whist simultaneously working through the insecurity.

The only solution is going to be more action.  Self care might be the best action to take.  Headlocked.  Drat.  -.-

If I make it out of this mess, what do I want?  What do I need to do to get there?
That's the question.

I want to combine my journal with my YouTube channel, but I am worried that it might bring over creepers.  If I only use my journal, without the two, then half of the meaning behind my project will be misunderstood.  I am going to try it, and if it ends up being a bad idea then I will figure out something else.

I feel ridiculous, and I don't know why.
I want to cry.

I know that if I keep moving forward, something will happen.  I don't want to mess up, or to give up.  I don't want to be a devil anymore... :( 

Edited by Keyhole

    ^  ^
=(´`)=

 ( )💖( )   stay warm✨

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Trigger warning.

 

Mother.  Father.

Ex boyfriend.

The result.

Making a decision to act on something is bringing up old trauma pain because I have never been allowed to make decisions, and was made to believe that when I did, they were not the right ones to make.  And so now, as I know that I need to make some sort of resolution, I can't.  But at the same time, the trauma feels less tightly wrapped around my neck than it used to.  I tend to move on this inwards path, and I keep finding myself stuck, because the trauma is so repressed I don't know how to handle it properly.  My mind will grasp onto anything else to avoid looking at this or fully feeling it.

I know deep down in my heart that daily action is the only way things will improve, and yet the decision to do so comes with another can of worms.

I've decided to keep my journal private.  If there is a resolution, then maybe, if I have something to show for myself.  Something that could help another person, or a competed project, but until then I don't want to disturb anyone with my bullshit problems.  I do need to reach out about this, but not right now.  For right now, just focusing on the present moment.

Note to self:  Feel through it.  The moment you start to ideate, you are doing it to avoid feeling.  Keep going, don't stop.  You are making good progress.  It might feel like you are reopening old wounds, but the end result is a healed soul.

Presence.  No stories.  Presence.

Edited by Keyhole

    ^  ^
=(´`)=

 ( )💖( )   stay warm✨

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