Knock

Anger towards roommates egotism

8 posts in this topic

Lately I have been feeling inner tension towards 2 of my housemates that I need help reconciling as I am unaware of how to resolve this problem. I think it might help to give a bit of background of who they are:

The 2 guys are a gay Asian couple that have been living here longer than me (I’ve been in this house for a bit over a year). They are a bit socially awkward, 1 has mental health issues and doesn’t work, the other works part time, but they are kind and keep the house clean. They occupy the house a lot and have converted one of the lounge rooms into a home gym (I don’t mind, I never go into the lounge rooms anyway). One was quite overweight, the other very skinny, until about 6 months ago when they decided to start working out with their new home gym.

What is irking me is the narcissism they are exhibiting at home walking around in sleeveless shirts, flexing in the mirror and taking selfies in the bathroom. Having to hear one of them on the walker every night and then walking around with their chests puffed out wearing shirts 2 sizes too small to show off their tiny muscles. For some reason, this is making me angry/irritated, but I can’t quite put my finger on it as to why.

I have always been taught modesty when growing up, that being vain is being self-absorbed and such actions are immature. Perhaps this is the reason?

I don’t believe its jealously or envy either. I work out 4x/week and am considerably stronger and leaner than both of them. I wouldn’t want their body, even if you gave me a million bucks, so I don’t see this the case.

I know that they are just proud of their body transformations, and that the high conscious thing to do is to feel happy for them and compliment them on their efforts and results.

I am not sure why I am feeling anger to them. And I am not usually an angry person at all! Can you help me actualized.org?

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3 minutes ago, Knock said:

Lately I have been feeling inner tension towards 2 of my housemates that I need help reconciling as I am unaware of how to resolve this problem. I think it might help to give a bit of background of who they are:

The 2 guys are a gay Asian couple that have been living here longer than me (I’ve been in this house for a bit over a year). They are a bit socially awkward, 1 has mental health issues and doesn’t work, the other works part time, but they are kind and keep the house clean. They occupy the house a lot and have converted one of the lounge rooms into a home gym (I don’t mind, I never go into the lounge rooms anyway). One was quite overweight, the other very skinny, until about 6 months ago when they decided to start working out with their new home gym.

What is irking me is the narcissism they are exhibiting at home walking around in sleeveless shirts, flexing in the mirror and taking selfies in the bathroom. Having to hear one of them on the walker every night and then walking around with their chests puffed out wearing shirts 2 sizes too small to show off their tiny muscles. For some reason, this is making me angry/irritated, but I can’t quite put my finger on it as to why.

I have always been taught modesty when growing up, that being vain is being self-absorbed and such actions are immature. Perhaps this is the reason?

I don’t believe its jealously or envy either. I work out 4x/week and am considerably stronger and leaner than both of them. I wouldn’t want their body, even if you gave me a million bucks, so I don’t see this the case.

I know that they are just proud of their body transformations, and that the high conscious thing to do is to feel happy for them and compliment them on their efforts and results.

I am not sure why I am feeling anger to them. And I am not usually an angry person at all! Can you help me actualized.org?

 

Let me figure out but I'm not the best at this so take whatever suits your opinion

  • Maybe you have the tension because you think that they are not modest. That's creating cognitive dissonance. You want them to conform and you feel uncomfortable when they don't. The easiest reason. 
  • Maybe you crave a sense of control but can't put a finger on it
  • If they are being loud in the night, the frustration is natural
  • Maybe they walk around the house too much and you are not used to it
  • The problem could be that you're focusing too much on them causing anxiety leading to tension
  • Maybe they are not friendly with you and you can sense that and this could be at the bottom of the issue
  • You are unable to feel happy for them out of egotism. Complimenting them makes you uncomfortable. 
  • Maybe you feel tensed because you haven't got to know them better 
  • Is this related to culture or sexual orientation that is creating inner discomfort. 
  • You don't like someone whose body you perceive as inferior to yours to be flexing and showing off because you think it's unwanted. 

You're the only one who can really tell what's going on in your mind. 

But the easiest solution is to just let go. You're not require to specifically admire them or compliment them just to compensate for your inner tension. If you find them weird you can just let it go. 

It's completely okay if someone is not matching your standards of behavior. Because you can't control or decide how someone should behave.

Also it's not a huge problem if they don't pose a real threat to you. 

Practice letting go.

 

 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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4 hours ago, Knock said:

 

I have always been taught modesty when growing up, that being vain is being self-absorbed and such actions are immature. Perhaps this is the reason?

 

Yeah, this is an identification that you formed when growing up. You were taught a value, a skill and naturally you made it part of your identity.

Next time you feel irritated just observe the identity without judgement or doing anything about it. 

Observe the feeling you get when this self emerges. Don't judge, don't try to change it , don't make it into a problem.

Soon you will get a sense that this identity and the thoughts and feelings and behaviour that is keeping it in place is an object arising in you, not as you anymore.

Once you disidentify you will then feel the emotion and thoughts evaporate and you will see the guys in a new light. 

You will have made space to integrate your own narcissism and it will no longer bother you.

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I think this is a pretty minor roomate issue, out of the many other potential roomate issues that could exist. 

Just ignore it, this basically has nothing to do with you. Maybe this is your shadow, since you work out, that you want to show off your muscles secretly or something and get some recognition for it but suppress that, and you are angry that they are doing the same thing with their smaller muscles lol.

Keep in mind they are gay, perhaps much more feminine. Would you be angry if a feminine woman you roomed with was taking beauty selfies and looking at herself in the mirror?


"Started from the bottom and I just realized I'm still there since the money and the fame is an illusion" -Drake doing self-inquiry

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9 hours ago, Preety_India said:
  • Maybe you have the tension because you think that they are not modest. That's creating cognitive dissonance. You want them to conform and you feel uncomfortable when they don't. The easiest reason.

 

6 hours ago, Nickyy said:

Yeah, this is an identification that you formed when growing up. You were taught a value, a skill and naturally you made it part of your identity.

I think you are both right here. I identify myself as a modest person who never shows off, as I see boasting as a "sin". I may be inhibiting my own sense of pride (e.g. I am bashful when going to the beach shirtless, despite my impressive physique). Hence, I am projecting my shadow unto the 2 roommates. 

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:
  • If they are being loud in the night, the frustration is natural
  • Maybe they walk around the house too much and you are not used to it

I believe this is the original source of negative perception towards the 2 housemates. They are LOUD, they talk loudly in their foreign language, blast the TV because they are on the walker, sing when they are in the kitchen, and play their crappy 'free' spotify music on portable speakers. They are also loud in their actions, taking up too much space. The unemployed one is always in the house, spending hours in the kitchen (he loves to cook), spending too long in the bathroom (because he is on his iPad at the same time), and basically never in his own room. 
I'm not sure if its the introvert within me, but I find always having them 'there', is getting overwhelming, which is why I may be building resentment towards them.

My follow up questions is this:

  • How can I overcome my identity as a modest person, and overcome my shadow surrounding narcissism and pride? 
  • How can I learn to be okay with loudness of my roommates, even though what they are doing is completely reasonable? (I would look like a real dick-knob if I told them they can't sing in the kitchen or turn the TV up when on the treadmill). 

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2 minutes ago, Knock said:

 

 

My follow up questions is this:

  • How can I overcome my identity as a modest person, and overcome my shadow surrounding narcissism and pride? 
  • How can I learn to be okay with loudness of my roommates, even though what they are doing is completely reasonable? (I would look like a real dick-knob if I told them they can't sing in the kitchen or turn the TV up when on the treadmill). 

The first question 

You can practice letting go the need to feel that others should be like you. Simply think that it's completely okay for them to be different than you and that you can easily be tolerant of their different attitudes as long as their attitudes fit under a moral paradigm. It's okay for them to have value structures and preferences different from yours. Maybe they don't see themselves as immodest the way you do. Maybe they think they are being casual or flippant or just having easy fun. 

You don't necessarily need to change your value structure to accommodate them. You can still have your identity as a modest person meanwhile still having the openness to accommodate their behaviors and value structures as well. This is called cultivating openness. 

 

 

 

 

The second question 

I'm sorry to let you know but this is your body is designed and there is nothing wrong with it. If they are loud to the point of annoying, you aren't wrong, they are not respectful of your needs and choices. You might want to remind them to tone it down and lower the volume and especially tell them to be silent at night. It's natural for you to be annoyed. I'm an Asian myself yet I respect others and I don't play loud music in the night so of course that's not a naturally acceptable cultural behavior. People around me who are Indians/Asians do not play loud music and are extremely respectful and modest. I'd be annoyed and tensed big time if I were woken up in the night by loud noise by roommates. It's not decent behavior. 

One thing would be to tell them to use earphones so others don't have to uncomfortable around them. If they sing in the kitchen that would be okay but certain behaviors are not okay even if you tried defending it using cultural context. 

So immature or indecent behavior is indecent behavior no matter whatever culture the person belongs to. 

They're not supposed to play music on portable speakers. Even if they did they should make sure you're not disturbed by that. 

If they don't change their behavior even after a polite request, they are being impolite, you might need to speak to your landlord regarding the messiness they are creating. And serve them landlord notice to stop annoying behavior. 

I won't put up with that sort even in my own apartment. 

Take care 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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@Knock

Quick question to get to the root of this. 

Sounds like you have some issues asserting yourself with these guys? 

Maybe not? But you are making a post cos of frustration. So I'm only guessing here, but your anger is seeping out on here because it's not integrated. Red has anger, and when you identify with it and then repress it with blue you lose contact with the tool that red has for you: aggression. 

So if you can let go of blue for a moment you will probably excite an energy called rage.

When you do then disidentify with rage and you will have the tool of assertiveness at your disposal and you can let the guys know how they are impacting you. That's only if they still do impact you. Currently you don't know what the cause is until you do some shadow work. Maybe you don't like their red energy because you are resisting your own red energy? 

This is all theory at this point. So...

Do some work first, disidentify, and then see how these guys behaviour affects you.

Then take action from that place of non identification.

Another question I have for you is do you suffer from fatigue or tiredness at all? That's a sign red is being repressed because of a blue value trying to override it. 

You should in theory be able to ask your housemates to observe their responsibility in the house with no guilt if you have managed to integrate your narcissism energy and then disidentify from it so that it becomes the healthy tool of assertiveness. 

Try to spot any judgements about yourself or others who are assertive as being labelled arseholes. Observe and don't make it into an issue. It will go away. 

 

 

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