How to have Sociopathic levels of detachment with girls and dating

[Ananta]

Just now, Beginner Mind said:

@Preety_India Looks will help you get your foot in the door, but if you start displaying neediness or any other unattractive behavior, your good looks won't mean shit.  She may sleep with the guy a few times, but she will never consider him as a serious long-term partner.

Yup! She might find it cute for, um, a whole 2 weeks, then she would get sick of it quickly. 

Women don't even like their own children hanging all over them constantly, let alone a grown man. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Beginner Mind I'd say looks, character, behavior and maturity play a huge role. 

But most importantly willingness. No matter whatever the flaws,if the partner is ready to work on them,that's the only way a relationship will be fulfilled. 

Things can be taken care of. But no willingness to communicate,sit down or discuss problems or no willingness to solve conflicts is a disaster and in such a case, everything from looks to achievements, talents, personality, character goes to the drain

 

 

 

[Beginner Mind]

51 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Yup! She might find it cute for, um, a whole 2 weeks, then she would get sick of it quickly. 

Women don't even like their own children hanging all over them constantly, let alone a grown man. 

Yep.  Reminds me of one of my past relationships.  I would compliment her too much, text too much, and just generally try to inject myself into her life as much as possible.  She put up with it for a few months, but eventually she gave me the boot.

52 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Beginner Mind I'd say looks, character, behavior and maturity play a huge role. 

But most importantly willingness. No matter whatever the flaws,if the partner is ready to work on them,that's the only way a relationship will be fulfilled. 

Things can be taken care of. But no willingness to communicate,sit down or discuss problems or no willingness to solve conflicts is a disaster and in such a case, everything from looks to achievements, talents, personality, character goes to the drain

Agreed. Maturity and communication are also important.

[Ananta]

41 minutes ago, Beginner Mind said:

I would compliment her too much, text too much, and just generally try to inject myself into her life as much as possible. 

Yeah, there's a balance you need to find with the compliments, texting, etc.

You don't want too much or too little, ...more like a happy medium. 

Pretty much all things that can be desired are like this... (ie, eat too much good food and get fat, smother your GF and she runs). Too much of a good thing, is a bad thing, eventually.

[mandyjw]

Neediness is not just an issue that exists within a certain category of life. It's something deeper than that, a general feeling of not feeling complete. That means that if your relationships/attraction with the opposite sex isn't going well, you can choose to focus on the parts of your life that are going well. The neediness will start to dissolve on its own and then you can revisit the subject (dating/attraction) with less self sabotaging.

That's probably why people with successful relationships often meet each other through work or shared interests. If you're going to a club or a bar, there's a dynamic there that makes the game and the "rules" of attraction very obvious and competitive. 

[Preety_India]

28 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Yes.

Fuck romantic relationships, it's 100% selfish activity anyway. Quite disgusting. You women are needy of the mans un-needyness.

At least you are right about something. 

 

 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

25 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

You women are needy of the mans un-needyness.

Well if you think about it, why do we not like to have needy partners? Because we don't want to be responsible for anyone else's happiness. We want to be seen for who we truly are and not seen through the lens of what someone needs us to be for them. Because we know we will fail to be that. If they have put that expectation on us, on needing us to make them happy, then we might as well end the relationship sooner rather than later because there's no way that person won't continue to be miserable. Only if we stay we will risk being blamed as the cause for their own misery. Basically it feels as if they are seeing us through such a cloudy lens that we aren't even there, we aren't even seen as a soul or a being in ourselves and might as well just be a blow up doll sitting next to them. 

 

[Nickyy]

1 minute ago, Mikael89 said:

@mandyjw Go have a relationship with a stone then. A stone is completely un-needy of you, it's fine without you, totally detached and indifferent. Exactly what you love so much.

This forum is a goldmine for understanding women. I think if you listened, genuinely listen, you would learn so much from the women here. Simultaneously by really listening you would dramatically increase how attractive you are to a woman. They are simple creatures who only want to connect with people. It's not difficult. It's difficult if you programme yourself with all the dating BS out there on the internet. 

[Beginner Mind]

4 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@mandyjw Go have a relationship with a stone then. A stone is completely un-needy of you, it's fine without you, totally detached and indifferent. Exactly what you love so much.

Hahaha.

[Nickyy]

@Mikael89 Let me give you a tip on how it works. If you can learn to give a women what she needs, she will return the favour 5 fold.

She doesnt want someone who's needless, she just doesnt want an emotional vampire. 

To love and be loved. That's all women really want. 

[mandyjw]

@Mikael89 I have relationships with many stones already, but I'm always happy to meet a new one! Leo told me to notice why I don't have a relationship with my vacuum cleaner, but it's hard not to be needy with the vacuum because I get really pissed off when it doesn't work the way I want it to. 

Honestly though, I've been married for 10 years, in a relationship with him for 14 years, close friends with him for 17 years and there's been LOTS of back and forth of neediness on both our parts during that entire time. Everyone is needy sometimes, eventually love is big enough to forgive it. But loving ourselves or love itself also dissolves neediness. 

[Key Elements]

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Or it gets mundane 

I gotta add something to this. Add decades to the relationship/marriage, and it will get "mundane." The question is: will the both of you adjust? There was this newlywed gal in my workplace. She wanted me to describe my marriage. I didn't really want to because I knew she would start saying something that is not really true. It would sound like she's criticizing and judging. I told her that I've been married for years and that's why we're detached. She told me, "my husband and I are not like that. We're attached and having fun." Then, she just walked away. We tried to avoid each other after that.

See, I think if you actually get married to someone, and it doesn't work the way anyone in society wants it to work, the average Joe will start avoiding you once he/she heard you talk. My favourite word: cockamamie (29:06).

Or, better yet, the average Joe's favourite pastime: gossipping, joking, and spreading wrong info.

[Ananta]

4 minutes ago, Nickyy said:

she just doesnt want an emotional vampire. 

Haha. Yeah, the energy suckers. They will suck the life out of you!

[mandyjw]

12 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

I gotta add something to this. Add decades to the relationship/marriage, and it will get "mundane." The question is: will the both of you adjust?

This. Life has enough spark on it's own, or rather the spark is within you, expecting a relationship to be the source of the fiery spark you're looking for in your life is the definition of neediness. 

Sometimes that spark appears within a relationship with another or it seems to come from a relationship and we mistakenly attribute it to another person. 

Hollywood has not helped us to dissolve these needy expectations of each other. 

Edited November 16, 2019 by mandyjw

[Nickyy]

@Mikael89 Honestly you don't sound like a bad guy. You just sound like you're pissed at the constraints put on you by life 

The rules of the game, as it were.

It's part of masculinity to want freedom from boundaries. But you can look for that freedom in the wrong place, by resisting life and trying to hide away. 

As a spiritual practice you can find freedom from constraint not by finding freedom from life, but by releasing identification and identifying as the boundless witness. The observer. The true self, not the mind made self.

That's really the freedom you're looking for.

When you discover that freedom you have no reason to reject male female dynamics in the relative world. You can embrace it all as it is and still be free.

That's how true aloha males are. And the more shit tests you get along the way the more you grow. You want shit tests if you want spiritual freedom. 

[Beginner Mind]

@Mikael89 Women want you to express yourself and tell them how much you adore them.  BUT, they want it to come from a certain place, a non-needy place.

Edited November 16, 2019 by Beginner Mind

[Forestluv]

44 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@mandyjw Go have a relationship with a stone then. A stone is completely un-needy of you, it's fine without you, totally detached and indifferent. Exactly what you love so much.

It doesn’t seem like you’ve had experience with needy/clingy partners. At first it can seem comforting. It can give a person a sense of worth and importance. It can feel good helping another with their issues and meeting their needs.  It can feel good when someone says “I need you. I can’t live without you. Promise me we will always be together”. It can be like a romantic movie. Yet then the movie changes into a horror movie. It becomes suffocating. Everything becomes about their needs and insecurities. You become responsible for meeting their needs and for their feelings. There is intense underlying fear you will leave. “I saw how you looked at her. That means you like her and are want to leave me. I bet you are sleeping with her. You don’t really love me, do you? Show me you love me, I can’t live without you. Something bad might happen if you leave me. . . ..”  . . . It’s awful and all you want relief. Yet there is no escape. If a person gets too immersed, they become trapped and it becomes difficult to get out. If needy/clingy is mixed with the desire to control/possess, it can get twisted and scary - a bunny in a pot of boiling water kinda stuff. I’ve been in a relationship like this and it’s awful. 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Nickyy said:

@Mikael89 Let me give you a tip on how it works. If you can learn to give a women what she needs, she will return the favour 5 fold.

She doesnt want someone who's needless, she just doesnt want an emotional vampire. 

To love and be loved. That's all women really want. 

You said some golden lines. 

That's a short summary of how women really feel. At least I can attest to that 

An emotional vampire is like a scammer. 

And a person without needs is like being with a statue or signing a contract. It gets suffocating. 

The ultimate way of describing a healthy romantic relationship from my point of view would be exactly how you put it 

" To love and be loved." 

[Preety_India]

59 minutes ago, Nickyy said:

@Mikael89 Honestly you don't sound like a bad guy. You just sound like you're pissed at the constraints put on you by life 

The rules of the game, as it were.

It's part of masculinity to want freedom from boundaries. But you can look for that freedom in the wrong place, by resisting life and trying to hide away. 

As a spiritual practice you can find freedom from constraint not by finding freedom from life, but by releasing identification and identifying as the boundless witness. The observer. The true self, not the mind made self.

That's really the freedom you're looking for.

When you discover that freedom you have no reason to reject male female dynamics in the relative world. You can embrace it all as it is and still be free.

That's how true aloha males are. And the more shit tests you get along the way the more you grow. You want shit tests if you want spiritual freedom. 

That was a very good point. Especially the boundless witness. You really have a goldmine there. 

What spiritual practices do you follow ?

Edited November 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Key Elements]