My boyfriend shames me

[Ananta]

14 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

This is an immature male perspective that avoids looking at the impact asymmetric gender/sex dynamics have on women. 

Well said, @Serotoninluv ?

[Key Elements]

Yup, I agree, only because guys choose to be "under the influence" of PUA groups without thinking twice about it. It's a quick-fix solution. I have not seen any PUA for gals that does the same things. (DUI, lol)

However, there's more to it, a lot more. It's not non-duality , but it goes down the rabbit hole quite a bit.

[Key Elements]

@Preety_India

 

[Preety_India]

3 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Um, women do the same thing (fuck around etc.). And it's also culturally acceptable.

You miss the point. Not that it matters to me personally but just trying to put it out there as a woman. The whole pickup culture might be easy for men or whatever you call it desirable, but it's harmful for women. Women exactly do not look at relationships the way men do. Conduct a survey with women and you will find that most women want a stable home, a sense of security, a man they want as a husband and not like a male escort. They want that stability and a powerful relationship where they feel safe and secure and they want sex in the context of all this. Any woman who approaches you for sex is just experimenting for her temporary need but deep down even she wants family, kids, husband etc. If she doesn't want kids at least she wants a stable partner for life, women get tired quick, they can't hang on to something that doesn't have a future unless they are only looking for attention.. Most women wouldn't risk their bodies just for a night of sex because not only is unwanted pregnancy a huge fear in a woman's head so is sexually transmitted diseases. Men are a bit lousy when it comes to calculating everything. Anyway the point was that the women who are into casual dating are few and most women look for stable long term relationships. So Yea a woman's perspective doesn't fall in line with the whole pickup culture. And sometimes this is important because men approach with utter disregard to what a woman wants. That's bad for her mental health. If she wants you as a long term partner or if that's what she is looking for, she should be respected for her needs, she shouldn't have to be manipulated because the guy needs his experience, that's downright wrong and unjustified. When that happens and men lose interest or abandon her, she comes out hurt and her perception of men becomes hateful and skewed. Because after all her needs weren't met, but his were. 

Men aren't doing any favor to themselves in the long run. A growing resentment in women isn't exactly favorable to the entire male female dynamic. 

The whole problem with pickup culture is that it completely leaves out the needs of most women. That's selfish. 

. 

[Preety_India]

@Mikael89   lol a man who thinks a woman should not have needs or her needs should be tailored to fit his game.  ...actually a real feminine woman has a lot of needs. Men just despise them and call them needy and stuff. Because they don't want the hassle. But women who learn to suppress their needs actually turn more masculine in an evolutionary context which is again something that men resent. Funny. A man who wants a woman to have fewer needs is only trying to make it convenient for himself , I mean it makes his job easy right, he doesn't have to do much to keep her happy , but guilting her into thinking that she is unbearable if she expresses her needs. That's exactly what narcissists do, suppress their partner's needs and call them unhealthy and expect them to swallow their inner needs of intimacy thus leading to feelings of deprivation and frustration in the partner. That will never work. It's a great recipe for resentment. In fact the opposite is true. When her needs are expressed and the man respects it and encourages her to feel free and not restricted in the relationship, that's where she is happy and content and doesn't have to feel guilty for asking for something, this works for both the man and the woman and they are not frustrated,the only thing being that the man has to work a bit harder but that's okay because the rewards are equally great for them both in the long run. I wish they taught this in pickup groups  

 

[ajasatya]

24 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Don't read pickup: you are fucked. No success with attracting women.

This is simply not true. Virtuous women are attracted to virtuous men. Foolish women are attracted to foolish men.

Also, stop the attempt to hijack this thread.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

@Preety_India Women are impossible to attract, and now men shouldn't even study how to attract women, see how impossible women are. A man should just hang himself because it's rigged in such a way that a man can never attract a woman no matter what he does or doesn't do.

Don't read pickup: you are fucked. No success with attracting women.

Read pickup: you are hurting women, you're not allowed to read any pickup.

Solution: a piece of rope with which you make a snare.

You have to be a woman, a virtuous woman. I don't know how to explain it to you. 

I woke up from a nightmare. You know what it was. Well it goes like this.... I am with a man. He says he loves me and only me and that im the woman of his life. I dream being with him, and having a family with him, marrying him, having kids with him because I am not a hoe... I want my relationship with him to grow. 

We are going great together. Everything is great, the romance sex, and we find no trouble. Then there are fights over silly things, him doing silly things, humiliating me in public, calling me names because he had a bad day. 

One day he makes my communication with him extremely difficult by constantly acting distant and he is acting weird but asking it with comedy and fake laughs but taking jabs at me and mocking me.. Shaming my dress sense, calling me a joker, poking fun at me. I have no idea what's wrong with him but I try to play along thinking this is just his way to act funny with me. But I can sense this is weird. 

He is still avoiding me meanwhile I'm planning a date night with him for the weekend. He draws a pink colored cartoon and pink colored horse and sends me texts with all pink colored graffiti pics. Pink is the name of the girl he is friends with on his Facebook. 

I am feeling uncomfortable. I ask him what's going on. He gives a sharp reply, " I like pink. She is my girl. She is my type.". 

I am left furious. I feel traumatized. I can't believe what I'm reading. What am I seeing. What's going on. I thought me and him were a couple. Is this a joke. Now I know why he was acting funny with me. I dump him. I am feeling disgusted and used. 

As I was waking from this pathetic nightmarish dream, my heart was racing and pounding. This is while I am semi conscious. 

Now you realize that our psychology is complex. Manipulating with someone's psychology is not a child's play. It has biological consequences similar to that observed in trauma like palpitations, anxiety, chest pounding, a gnawing sensation of discomfort and depression. 

In the beginning of the thread you were saying that I will put up with a man even if he beats me up. Since he is alpha and can attracts females. You're so wrong. A woman stays in an abusive relationship not because the man is alpha but because she is in love with him and the thought of leaving a relationship is too traumatizing for her, she experiences fear and trauma realizing her relationship, a careful caricature of security she built is tearing away rapidly, she can't cope with the loss so she stays put expecting a positive outcome and a change in her man, it's only after loads of coaxing and therapy and pressure from people that she realizes that she has to take urgent step of leaving the man no matter how difficult and emotionally uncomfortable such a step is, she ups her self confidence and breaks the cycle of fear and leaves. Exactly what I did. People here assured me that it's good to leave and supported me and bit of cajoling from everyone finally me break the cycle of confusion and fear and take the step to walk off. 

Emotional trauma is not an easy thing to deal with. I hope you don't have to deal with it. Because it messes with a person's internal growth. And in turn it affects physically like weight gain, weight loss, insomnia and Ptsd. 

 

I hope you realize that everything is not about attraction and fun. There is more to relationships than that. 

All I can say is this - respects the other person's emotional state and value structure. 

If someone is virtuous they deserve a virtuous partner. 

No area for manipulation. Rest everything is okay. Be authentic with intentions. Helps both parties. 

Edited November 15, 2019 by Preety_India

[Shaun]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

@Preety_India Women are impossible to attract, and now men shouldn't even study how to attract women, see how impossible women are. A man should just hang himself because it's rigged in such a way that a man can never attract a woman no matter what he does or doesn't do.

Don't read pickup: you are fucked. No success with attracting women.

Read pickup: you are hurting women, you're not allowed to read any pickup.

Solution: a piece of rope with which you make a snare.

I love the way you think. 

[Forestluv]

8 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Um, women do the same thing (fuck around etc.). And it's also culturally acceptable.

You are only seeing things from your perspective. People are trying to show you other perspectives. If you want to stay locked in one view, that’s your choice.

[tsuki]

@Preety_India I just read through your thread and I have zero advice for you.
I admire your strength and wish you a hasty recovery.

 

[Preety_India]

@tsuki @Mikael89 thank you for understanding 

 

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

Women are impossible to attract, and now men shouldn't even study how to attract women, see how impossible women are. A man should just hang himself because it's rigged in such a way that a man can never attract a woman no matter what he does or doesn't do.

Don’t hijack this thread. It’s not a thread to vent personal frustrations. The below thread is appropriate for this.

 

[Preety_India]

 

9 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Don’t hijack the thread.

 

Kudos to Leo. I didn't know that thread even existed. Leo has made some outstanding points and some tragic truths about some young males idiosyncrasies about dating and getting women. 

He is 100% right on almost every point at least in my perspective. 

I see a terrible failure in a lot of these men on the thread in understanding a woman's perspective.. Yet they want a woman!! 

Thanks for bringing it up. It will help dissipate some of their insecurities which they hijack every dating thread with. 

Edited November 15, 2019 by Preety_India

[NoSelfSelf]

@Preety_India isnt this narcissist you are dealing with it just sound like it...is he controling and criticize all the small things? 

[Preety_India]

@NoSelfSelf  yep. Narcissistic. I dumped him for good. 

It was unhealthy and toxic. I didn't deserve it and no man or woman should have to go through it. It's emotionally traumatizing. But the forum helped me recognize that I was doing damage to myself and I'm grateful. 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Preety_India Good for you! Im impressed you did it so quickly...otherwise they are good at making things so it seems really good then its horrible and then they make it good(idk but they are master at that)...so you get stuck in that cycle..

Edited November 15, 2019 by NoSelfSelf

[NoSelfSelf]

@Preety_India Omg so there are degrees to narcissism hes the worst in the category...what you just described is classic example what people with that personality disorder do...when you get emotionally attached you are done for long time...im glad you escaped because what is missing is that they make you depande on them for survival...whatch out next time for signs of guys being too good to be true then all of a sudden everything shifts they start blaming criticizing you for everything,angry all the time,controling every step you take then ignore you for punishment as if you did something wrong but they got hurt in some way...they are really insecure and cant live wothout extarnal validation,and feeding of your energy... im telling you all this because there is a big chance you get attracted to same guy again....

Also look into codependency you probably have something like that just assuming...

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Also look into codependency you probably have something like that just assuming...

Thanks for bringing that up. I looked up on the internet. And I saw that I show all characteristics of a codependent. 

I was heavily abused by someone in my childhood that lead to low self confidence and a lot of trauma. I could never feel okay or secure about myself. I also had a sense of fear and anxiety as a result of a narcissist abuser in my childhood. 

I did not receive therapy for it. But I have outgrown that phase of self pity. However I got attracted to men who offered me emotional support and my attraction was instant. I felt loved and comforted by such men. It compensated for the lack of love and deprivation I felt growing up. 

So i went through a string of abusive relationships. But these were men who were very warm and welcoming and loving in the beginning but later became abusive and hateful and tyrant.. I continued relying on them for my emotional needs as I lacked the strength to walk away and say no.. Deep down I craved the intimacy and felt really painful if I left. 

This always gave a sense of power to the men over me.. 

This was the probably the last relationship I had where I noticed an abusive pattern. 

This was intense. Because I wanted to give one last shot. So I kept hoping that things would get better. But the cycle was always like better than worse than better than worse than better..... It messes up the mind. 

It seems like such people know how to attract weak people and keep them in check.. 

I wasn't able to place healthy boundaries in the relationship out of fear of losing him. But then again I think, what's the point of placing a healthy boundary If the person is anyways abusive. He is not going to respect those boundaries. He is going to do his own thing. And If he doesn't he is following those boundaries only out of fear of losing me not out of genuine respect or concern for me. I don't want a man who behaves in a way only out of fear that I will catch him, I want him to genuinely avoid behaviors which are hurtful.. I don't want to cage him or instill fear in him. 

The point is simple. I was with a narcissist. It took me time to look up the symptoms of the relationship on the internet and then come to that conclusion. Wish I had known early on. 

Not everyone falls in love after doing cursory research on the internet. I thought love was natural. 

And a huge population suffers from psychiatric disorder. It doesn't always mean that they can't find love or have kids. If they are willing to work on their personalities they can change it. 

I brought up this concern with my partner last month where I mentioned to him that he was a narcissist. But he flatly refused. 

So i guess a relationship cannot work if the person is not willing to try to work on themselves. 

Anyway my future course of action is to either be single or never be in a relationship where I'm not happy. Just walk away if I'm not happy instead of trying to work it out and getting hurt. 

If I have to be in a relationship or find a person who is admirable then I will spend some time and check how the chemistry works out in a few months.. I will keep an eye on the red flags. And drop it at the sight of the first red flag. I don't need it.. 

I'm also working in a therapy program with my psychologist and therapy group and so far the support is awesome. 

 

Hopefully I will be able to improve my low self esteem and work on my codependency behavior. 

 

 

[Annoynymous]

@Preety_India i have read some of your recent replies in this thread.

My goodness. From your description, what i have comprehended that you were in a living hell with your boyfriend.

He was a nightmare. You should have dumped him earlier.

I do not know why girls keep falling for assholes. Do you really value yourself? Seems not, because if you valued yourself enough, you would not give your time, effort, love, emotions to this guy.

But again, finally you broke it off and  did a very brave thing.

I think you should focus now only on yourself. You should practice self love. I see it missing.

You might also wanna do some research on people who have mental disablities like narcissism and sociopathy and build an experienced eye to recognize them and not to let them enter in your life in the first place.

You should also work on yourself. You have to think about what you will and won't allow in your life in order to create a healthy boundary.

Once you set that, you will enforce it in your life. Whenever you catch someone breaching your boundary, let them know about it. If they do that nevertheles, do yourself a favor and throw them out of your life. They don't deserve you.

Understand that you matter. Your emotions matter. Your soul matter. Your heart matter. Your self respect matter.

Love yourself in a way that when anyone misbehaves with you or insults you or breach your boundary, you will be strong enough to excuse yourself from them without any delay.

Best wishes to you

Edited November 15, 2019 by Annoynymous

[Preety_India]

@Annoynymous thank you