My boyfriend shames me

[Key Elements]

@Preety_India yeah, cool! Yeah, I'm talking about *you* becoming an NRI and exploring things that other NRIs didn't explore, such as networking and entrepreneurship in other countries. To me, these are stepping stones before non-duality. You know, there's a saying, "you won the battle but didn't win the war."

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India  the guy I'm dating is an American white guy who is also a catholic. But he is not educated and I am much better than him in terms of education at least. 

I think a lot of his machismo comes from his looks. 

But I think an educated Indian guy would be a  far better match. 

I will be looking forward to a more educated man to be connected with because they bring respect and commitment and understanding and maturity in a relationship or marriage. 

So Yea I made a mistake thinking that simply being American makes a person more civilized. That's not the case. 

 

And the idea in my mind that every white man is a good man needs to be cast out. It's a cultural prejudice I held for a long time. 

Any man can be respectful irrespective of his culture/race.

[Forestluv]

@Preety_India There are some people on the forum that can be supportive. Also people in real life. People on the narcissist/bpd spectrum will try to maintain control during a breakup through a various forms of manipulation. When faced with a breakup they might temporarily concede and apologize or say they will change. Or they might get more aggressive. It can be a difficult process, especially when we have some caring feelings for a person. For example, I dated someone on the narcissist/bpd spectrum. She had some childhood abuse that I felt very empathic toward. When I tried to break up with her, she tried playing the victim and expressed how hurt she is, how old trauma is coming up, how she misses me, the good times we shared. This triggered my empathy for her. I really cared about her and really wanted to help her. She used this victim-helper dynamic to keep me close. Then when I kept my distance, she switched to aggressive tactics. 

2 hours ago, CreamCat said:

Hot women with mental issues are common traps for men, too. Or, were you specifically attracted to narcissism or bpd?

Relationships are complex.  There are various dynamics. Several people in my life told me she was unhealthy and I should leave her. Yet it's not so simple. For example, I learned a lot from her. It was my first inter-racial relationship and I learned so much about my own privilege, ethnicity and racism. Stuff I could not have learned through a textbook. As well, there was a type of magic between us that no one seemed to understand. When she was able to let go of her narcissist/bpd programming, our spirits connected and danced like I've never experienced. There was a realm of magnificent beauty we shared. This was most prominent with sexual activity. Her personality would dissolve and we would enter these beautiful realms. There were aspects of deep love and intimacy. Afterwards, we layed and listened to music and entered different realms - like a lucid dream. It was love. . . And then the narcissist/bpd programming would return. This was why I had such a hard time leaving. Below the narcissist, there was a beautiful connection, yet she couldn't go there and it was so hard for me to get her there. And I knew a lot of her narcissism was due to her upbringing and unhealthy relationships. She had inner demons and insecurities. I really wanted to help her with this, yet she would always get very defensive and blame everything on me. Or, she would go to the other extreme and say things like "I guess I'm just an awful gf. You should date someone better than me". . . So everything was either 100% my fault or she was 100% worthless. There was no in-between space. There was no space to say "There is an unhealthy dynamic between us. Let's both look at ourselves and our part in things and grow together.". I often asked that we each take 50% responsibility for an issue. Then I started saying I'll take 70% responsibility and asked her to take 30%. Then I offered to take 90%. Eventually, I said I'd take 99% responsibility and asked her for 1%. I asked her to acknowledge one single thing she has done to contribute to our tension. She couldn't do it. When pressed hard, she would collapse and say "You're right. It's all my fault. I'm a terrible gf. You should leave me". . . This is a really unhealthy way to communicate and prevents any growth as a couple.

In regards to attraction: I tend to be on the more empathetic side. When I see a woman that is vulnerable and has been through abuse/trauma, it activates my empathic energy. There is an attraction. I open up and try to connect with the person and I often over-share. I want to help the person. Those with narcissistic tendencies can sense this and they will prey on it. At first, everything is pretty innocent. And then the manipulation and gas-lighting slowly appears.  Yet it gradual enough that I didn't see the trap forming. The pattern is that I did something wrong, she is upset and it's my fault. As an empath, I feel her discomfort as if it was mine and I want harmony. I can't feel ok when she is distraught. So I accommodate and try to help to restore harmony. Yet the narcissist doesn't want to resolve conflict and harmony. They are oriented toward wanting conflict and dis-harmony. I'm oriented the opposite way. When I was younger, it didn't even cross my mind that someone would actually want conflict and dis-harmony. . . I was in a series of these relationships and eventually went meta. I was able to transcend it and see the dynamics between the two. . . Now, it is super easy for me to spot early on and I don't get involved. 

[Preety_India]

@Serotoninluv he does use aggression tactics when I try to maintain a distance from him. And of course gaslighting like I won't find a better person than him yaada yaada.. 

But I won't fall for it. I will get over it. I just need to use alienation to get away and dissolve the emotional bonding. 

[Forestluv]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Serotoninluv I just need to use alienation to get away and dissolve the emotional bonding. 

I found no contact to be helpful to get distance . . Getting over the emotional bonding is the hardest part. It's not like the relationship and person is 100% bad and unhealthy. A portion of it was beautiful and loving - yet a small portion - maybe 10%. Overall, it was really unhealthy and I kept having to remind myself of that. . . I had a supportive friend I would call whenever I missed that small beautiful part of my ex. My friend was happy to remind me of her toxic side. . . 

The first month can be hard, yet then I found a lot of positives in being single for a while. I started taking care of myself and I grew a lot. I didn't realize how much the unhealthy relationship was holding me back. 

[Preety_India]

@Serotoninluv

5 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I found no contact to be helpful to get distance . . Getting over the emotional bonding is the hardest part. It's not like the relationship and person is 100% bad and unhealthy. A portion of it was beautiful and loving - yet a small portion - maybe 10%. Overall, it was really unhealthy and I kept having to remind myself of that. . . I had a supportive friend I would call whenever I missed that small beautiful part of my ex. My friend was happy to remind me of her toxic side. . . 

The first month can be hard, yet then I found a lot of positives in being single for a while. I started taking care of myself and I grew a lot. I didn't realize how much the unhealthy relationship was holding me back. 

Omg!! what should I say. Everything above is reading out like the script of my current relationship. I can't tell how much similar this is to my situation. Ditto! 

I had been thinking the same thing. That the relationship and the person is not 100% bad or unhealthy. Only a small portion is beautiful. Overall it's very unhealthy. 

The relationship is holding me back too. When I had disappeared for 10 days I did miss his intimacy but I also felt free, liberated and back on my track in my life. 

For the time being I am not able to take care of myself the way I would have liked. And most of it has got to do with all the fuss and antics he does that takes up all the time and space in the day. 

I guess a good way of testing the health of a relationship is to just see how you do with and without that person in your life. If you are doing well without that person then you are better off alone, normally in a wonderful healthy relationship you would do better with that person than without that person. Because a wonderful relationship helps you grow in the maximum possible way with a few hassles here and there. 

But like you said an unhealthy relationship holds you back and you don't realize how much it's holding you back until you are actually free from that person's hold. 

That's what I'll be experiencing too. 

I'm looking forward to a very much single life as long as I can remain single. 

There are so many things worth doing in life than being stuck in endlessly hopeless relationships. 

 

[Annoynymous]

@Serotoninluv i read some of your answers here.

What do you what narcissistic people are looking for in a relation? If they want to create an unhealthy dynamic which may create discomfort for both the person including the narcissist, why create at all?

Or is it the case that they somehow feel fulfilment through this?

What i have observed about narcissist is that they tend to create a win-lose situation in a relationship. Also, they emotionally drains the opposite person.

I mean what narccisit actually wants? How they can even fulfilled being in that sort of unhealthy, destructive dynamics?

[Preety_India]

@Annoynymous Narcissists feed off the low self esteem of the target person  They attack and constantly attack the target in order to upgrade their own self worth. It becomes an addictive cycle for them without them being conscious about it. They drain the target emotionally. 

They manipulate the target initially to make them believe that the Narcissistic individual is the best person for them and they provide a shield of protection and concern for the target. Once they have won favor, they start using covert and then open strategies to constantly gaslight and manipulate the target. 

A narcissist is usually detected by a bunch of pattern behaviors and some common statements they make are similar to 

"you are not good enough" 

"I can do better than you." 

"you are really dumb." 

"you are ugly" 

"I can do better than most" 

"you are on a short leash" 

"if you don't like me, it's your loss" 

"you won't find anyone better than me" 

"I can easily replace you"

"that person does better than you. Maybe I should hire him" 

"don't believe anyone. I have told you the truth. You are dumb. You can't think for yourself. You can't be trusted." 

"you will ruin it. Let me do it. You can't handle this."

"you are not a good role model" 

"if I was on the panel, I would win and I would totally own them " 

They have a God complex. 

Narcissists are also big time hypocrites. They do something bad and defend it but when you make the same mistakes, they attack you for them. But if they make the same mistakes they expect to be understood or forgiven. 

One favorite strategy they use is to constantly project on the target the behaviors they themselves engage in. Like creating hypothetical scenarios. For example a narcissist would say, "I know you are a liar," " why would you do that, are you doing this to make me look bad" when in reality they are the ones who are actually lying. They might say something like "are you trying to scam me or rip me off" when in reality they could be the ones who are siphoning your account. Similarly if they are cheating behind your back, they might say "I don't know, maybe you are talking to that person, who else are you flirting with, this is gross, I never thought you would do this"..... You keep defending yourself but they don't listen. They are not ready for a defense. 

Even if you successfully defended yourself, they are going to downplay instead of being supportive like, "ahh alright, I don't know. I can't trust you still." 

They always make you look small.. 

They get massively triggered when challenged and they may ridicule or mock your achievements and downplay your support or good actions. 

 

But they wil surely highlight your flaws and magnify your little mistakes and extend them to criminalize you. 

You can never be a good person in their eyes and they make sure that you are always looking for their validation and permission by keeping a tab on you and controlling your life.. 

This way they satisfy their need to always have the upper hand in every situation. Plus they pump themselves up and feel good about their inflated personalities. This energy drives them to work towards their goals and they are constantly looking to reward themselves in some way at the expense of the misery of the target. 

Deep down they are abusive control freaks and when they see a vulnerable person this strategy helps to keep the target feel infantilized and controlled and threatened and totally owned by the Narcissistic owner. 

They feel power. It's all about having more power and the thrill out of it.. 

They never let go this power struggle because letting it go is a huge insecurity and fear for them. They don't see security in not having power. So they have to have the final word, the final say, the final decision and the final solution. 

Other important characteristic of a narcissist is use and throw. They use the target as long as they can and when the purpose is fully served they just dump the target and move on like it was a carousel ride. They don't seem to feel affected by a breakup. It's just another turn in their life. 

They are very selfish but they know how to guilt the other person to feel terrible and make themselves look like the anointed or martyr.. 

Targets get attracted to narcissists because of the feeling of short term security and affection and validation they provide. This helps a person who has low self esteem or has previously been abused. Narcissists offer fake support and praise for the target and sympathy for the abuse and make themselves look like the protector or leader there to guide you every step of the way. However this is just a part of their strategy to keep the target in control. 

 

Narcissists suffer from delusional disorder. They believe nothing bad can happen and everything will perfectly as their plan 

 

[remember]

@Preety_India  it sounds like you set your mind and heart straight.

do you also have some kind of plan how you will break it off? because it sounds like it could be the hardest part to really keep him away from you after breakup, he might try to pull you back in. think about going on a vacation, really being outside of town so he can`t get to you. that would be my advice for the first maybe two to three weeks even, if possible. or live with a friend. write down all places where he could wait for you or find you to target you. and try to avoid them or try to find backentrances for example to your work. if that`s not possible at least find a possibility to not be anywhere alone. make sure you are safe. be prepared for his ego fighting with unforseen methods. lots of love

Edited November 11, 2019 by remember

[Preety_India]

@Annoynymous bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle

 Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. 

They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. 

They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. 

They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive 

[Annoynymous]

@Preety_India well, this seems really very gross.

I had been with a narcissist (i doubt she was one but not sure whether she was a narcissist or something else problems). When she finally left, it kinda broke me to half.

What i think is that i don't have enough knowledge about  narcissist, sociopaths, psychopaths, BPD's. I also believe most people have no or little knowledge about them.

But i think it is important to have knowledge and to know how to detect them. Detecting them in an earlier period is essential because the more you go deep with these person, the more you  become their target.

Yeah, it works even if you detect them later stage of a relationship but the damage is already done. This sort of dynamics tend to destory a person's mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. And most of the time they end up feeling shit about themselves. It can take a very long time to fully heal from those wounds. I know it from my heart. I have experienced this. So it is better to be well equipped from the beginning and weed them out from life before they could do damage.

You seem to know a lot of about narcissism. So why are you still with a narcissist? If you think he is like that, you should heave him immediately. 

You can not even imagine how much damage it can potentially do and how much you are missing in life, from life, while you are in it.

You will immediately know once you break free.   

Edited November 11, 2019 by Annoynymous

[Preety_India]

29 minutes ago, Annoynymous said:

Yeah, it works even if you detect them later stage of a relationship but the damage is already done. This sort of dynamics tend to destory a person's mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. And most of the time they end up feeling shit about themselves. It can take a very long time to fully heal from those wounds.

Yes it can be very damaging. Therefore one has to be fully equipped before one makes the decision to enter into a relationship and be very careful right from the start. 

I came to know much later in the relationship what narcissistic abuse really was. I didn't have any clue about it before. 

Now that I know a lot about it from some research that I did, I am fully ready to leave the relationship and throw it out and start the healing process. 

My weight gain was also a side effect of constantly feeling depressed as a result of being targeted in the relationship. 

The good news is that I have realized that it's important for me to finally let go, the initial months will be tough because breakup also has a negative impact on the psyche and therefore I want to break it in a way so I don't end up going back like I did the last time. 

I'm fully mentally prepared to let him go and start the healing. The emotional bonding is hard to break easily so I will have to work on it step by step. 

But I'm glad that it will be over finally and I will be free and happy again. 

[Annoynymous]

@Preety_India break up can be hard.

When you initiate break up, you can expect to feel like high in drugs all the time for minimum 1 to upto 3 months (my own observation, it can be different to different people). But that's not the biggest challenge in my eye.

Biggest challenge is making up the mind to leave and never turn back.

For my case, it took about 6 months just to make up my mind to confront her. 6 fucking months. I was feeling worse.

Now i look back and contemplete sometimes. I feel if i could go back, i wouldn't take that 6 months of mental torture. I would confront her more sooner.

But we are human. And it is easier said than done.

But my big achievement was, when everything was over, i blocked her instantly, and since than, i have never bothered to look back, didn't make any contacts with her. More than a year have passed.

I won't say that i am perfectly fine now. But i would say that i am LOT better now. A lot.

I can now sleep well at night. I can eat well. I don't excessively smoke anymore. I don't obsess compulsively.

So the point is, once you break up, don't go back. It's a very wrong thing to do.

It's like qutting ciggerate for 3 months then suddenly starting it again. All the progress just become a waste of time.

Don't waste time by going back. Most importantly, don't waste your emotions, your love and your heart. Always believe that you deserve to be treated better.  

Edited November 11, 2019 by Annoynymous

[Key Elements]

@Preety_India I just want to let you know that you could start your networking and entrepreneurship journey now. What I mean is, approach this in a therapeutic way. Breathe and enjoy the scenery as you go along. Yes, it can be a fun healing process if you look at it this way. This can help you to take your mind off of him. There's a saying, "There are bigger fishes to fry in this life (than a relationship)." This is it.

This has been one of the most memorable times in my life when I was in Hyderabad. It was opposite of GVK-1 mall there. I was sitting in a cafe. This cafe was actually a donated house from a philanthropist that was converted into a cafe. Oh yes, it's better than the Starbucks in GVK-1. They served homemade dishes, and best of all, their tasty samosas were only 5 rs/samosa. They were the best I've ever tasted. Free entrepreneur networking events took place there in the big backyard. You could sit down and listen to free speeches given by established business owners and founders (VCs & Angels) there. Great guidance. Great learning curve. Great experience. You meet new ppl there. If you live in a major city, they probably have events like this.

If you want to further prepare for an event like this, think of what you want to do in your life. Be ready with business cards. I referred you to a link in this thread which goes into further details.

Or, you could do it lightly at first. It's just like taking a break in life, "don't forget to stop by and smell the roses." Look around and stop by a cafe. Attend a networking event casually to see what they are about. Look at pitches (speeches).

[Ananta]

28 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Sorry. I wont post off topic anymore.

That's good, because you are being rude to the OP and trying to derail her thread.

[Preety_India]

I broke up with him an hour ago. It hurts like hell

 

 

 

[Lubomir]

@Mikael89 Bro, you need serious help. You're so stuck. I remember your posts like 2 months ago and you're still the same victim as u was. Go for a therapy, please.

 

@Preety_India Time to grow again

[Preety_India]

@Lubomir thank you. I'm glad I got the support I needed thank you brother. I will start my healing journey again. Peace again ✌️

[CreamCat]

17 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

I was in a series of these relationships and eventually went meta. I was able to transcend it and see the dynamics between the two. . . Now, it is super easy for me to spot early on and I don't get involved. 

 

[Preety_India]

@CreamCat whats the meaning of going meta ?