modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

787 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

BEFORE AND AFTER: I've always been a sucker for a sort of post-rock, ambient sound, and these music videos capture something of a great deal of my life. All the time I've spent alone, feeling. And feeling out for someone or something.... feeling me, feeling myself. Holding myself. Holding shadows. Seeing things.

The amount of time I've spent alone in a room by myself.

Car rides with my parents across Canada and the states in my teens. A certain kind of security and familiarity in not being seen there, but seeing myself.

Very literal experiences here too, and hardly purely symbolic ones (as if symbolism isn't intrinsically "literal" anyway).

Communion with the nature. The physical compulsion to touch everything, every branch, to feel the ground with my feet. To read the information and feeling in all things directly, oh so directly. To learn, to experience directly, to create. To create from the body, the energy of the body. To remember creating these things.

To fill the natural world with your feelings and memories, your will. To lose the sense of a junction between the natural world, yourself and your perceiving and movement.

 

Edited by modmyth
Movement created the world// Do you ever listen to something at 2 in the morning and just cry for an hour straight by yourself? ... (Mostly music has stopped faciliating me feeling much. Like playacting feeling.)

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Posted (edited)

JUST GURU SHIT (TM):

So I subjected myself to reading all of these anti-testimonials as it was linked on another thread in this forum: https://www.satyoga.exposed/shunyamurti


So here are some thoughts in no particular order, and mostly involve my own roleplaying in the guru's position of direct authority:

1) Do you think it's a free-for-all buffet where you get to receive everything you dreamed of from your guru/ teacher without justifying actual sacrifice? (An... and you give what in return, exactly? And if the payoff isn't good enough, like what you receive vs. what you learn and how you grow? Well, you better balance out the accountability to which you hold another person with what you hold for yourself too in some way or another. I'm not just saying this to moralize in people's directions like: Hah! Should have handled that all better! I'm saying this to protect yourself from “predators” and low-integrity behaviour of all sorts. Truly. Make yourself as predator-proof as possible. This involves some pain and growth. I advocate this for mostly everything as a practical measure, and I practice what I preach too.

2) If you behave like a child, you will likely get treated like a child (in the sense of lacking accountability). For all that it is, for better and worse for. It can be an utter relief to give up accountability/ authority in some ways. Until it doesn't go how you want it to, of course. If you're an adult and you want this kind of relationship with someone, it is hard to survive without a good vetting process/ accountability structure in place for your own safety (say in a modern D/S relationship) relative to the power and direct control you are giving up over yourself psychoemotionally, physically, "spiritually", etc. Projecting too much "give" towards other adults from the outset facilitates Karen-like behaviour most of the time, haha.

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3) I used to work with youth. I give indulgences to them that I don't give to adults, even though the psychoemotional and “spiritual” development of adults is really all over the place, not to mention we all tend to be better with accountability in some areas and less in others. Such is the nature of having personal strengths and relative weaknesses. Anyway, for most of this time, I have held this perspective: children and teenagers grow up, they are more likely to internalize the best of what you teach them deeply, and the chances of them “paying it forward” are much higher when you offer them indulgences and also structure.

If you can't handle a “guru” with “human flaws” (and indeed, this tends not to work great with this model anyway), then that's what you're going to get back, a person who does not present or talk about his human issues... of course he's not going to serve it to you. I remember Teal Swan complaining about this issue herself, and I thought myself back then:  well, just tell people and have them deal with it. But also: oh, there goes a substantial part of your followership (and I guess your meal ticket too), from my observation of them. Most people who follow are mercenary (even and especially in the purely emotional sense) and will drop you quickly unless you can get them addicted to you, however it is that you do it. >insert complaint about all that emotionally manipulative bullshit which may actually be technically true<. She's already talked about her issues a significant amount in the past and has gotten slammed pretty hard for it. (Also: I keep mentioning the same few people because I don't actually observe that many guru/ teacher type figures directly.)

I don't usually have issues with “emotional labour”, but I have become accustomed to both my space and doing things on my terms, and interactions of these sorts do have to be worth my time/ energy. Hypothetically, willingness and proximity would hardly be enough. Nor would money. "Fit" from the outset matters a great deal to me, in the same way that I there are a very limited number of people that I would choose to spend the best of whatever it is that I have to offer on them. That you just might want it? Please. I have to want it too. So it comes down to individual preferences here.

"CHARISMA": FYI, the projecting of energy in the form of high energy and presence, having someone focus on you and making you feel like the centre of attention and making you feel important, it is a continuous energy expenditure. It may or may not be the result of conscious energy expenditure and it may not feel like effort at all. A person may still feel "inspired" or comepelled to share or give energy in a social sense. But people tend to expect something in return for this, whether it's from you directly or some long term goal which doesn't directly relate to you (this includes "higher", collective goals, and so, for example, serving this higher cause).

People who expect other people to do everything out of the goodness of their own hearts otherwise “because ego”. SMDH. Nothing works this way in this world for long periods of time between people. This is not how microsocieties are institutions are formed, not now or ever. There is the quality of the energy overall and in between people and interactions (let's just say overall/ across the board), and there is what is being achieved with this energy? Ask yourself, is it worth it, all things considering?

The best possible outcome is a win-win situation for everyone.
 

“NO FAMILIES”: So say I find myself in this position where I am willing to teach/ mentor people in a very direct way, but this goes for my closer connections at this point in time as well. After the past 2+ years of what I've been resolving and making sense of personally for what I have written about in my own journal sometimes (emotional/romantic issues), do I really want to deal with anyone who prioritizes their family over a tight connection with myself? NO. In no way do I actually want to, if I'm to be perfectly honest. No dual life with dual values and priorities, as is inevitably is the case where you must prioritize your own family, partner, and children especially, and there is competing values and attention as those people do live in society and tend to hold those values by default (especially in the sense that they won't get it and you get pulled away from whatever is at hand).

If I have to compete directly with your partner in some way, that's a no. (Which would mean that your partner would have to be directly involved or approved in some way (as in. I like them enough as a person and/ or I don't find them detrimental... so this very much means that I am judging your choice.), or ... nope. No partner.)

As far as I'm concerned; it's an instant disqualifier from being very close to me at this point, especially from my own side and direct experience. The level of diffusion is not worthwhile and it has left a bad taste in my mouth at this point too. Harsh? Don't care. Find someone else. Take whatever that comes to you through greater distance or nothing at all. I don't need anything back from you anyway, in that particular way, and being alone is no issue. I would rather just deal with people with similar priorities, values, and life decisions.

“FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE”: This shit (conflicting energy/ priorities) actually does diffuse a direct mind-to-mind and heart-to-heart connection, and has all sorts of unintended consequences. Do you realize... that there IS actually another side to this? This is both in one-on-one connections and more of a true group connection. Just because I may have relative responsibility does not magically make me immune to negative cause and effect here as a result of other people's perceptions and actions, even if there is chain of responsibility that starts with me. In addition, my relative sensitivity/ perceptive makes me subject to quite a bit of damage/ distortion myself, which then I have to deal with myself relative to the person who may not be experiencing/ perceiving it directly how they are impacting me at all. There is a sort of mutual accountability going on as well in all connections which are open enough. This is something I could go quite a bit of detail of, which I may or may not latter.

So, if you take away the negative possible outcomes? You're still left with a group that is much more diffused in the unity of its energy and spirit. In the best possible outcome of this all, you have a relatively pure micro society governed tightly by a guru/ teacher's own mind/ ethics. Better hope that they have their shit sorted out across the board (not just relative awakeness; that's just the starting point) and you're fully on board with it. Because you will live with the consequences of it just the same.

“MIND CONTROL”: If you think there isn't an aspect of “mind control” (including the most positive manifestations of such where you acquire from their mind directly in a sense)... well, I'm not sure what you thought was going on, particularly when the arrangement is getting very tight. There are aspects of mind control which might be considered very positive, but it's still “control” as in, someone else is taking direct responsibility for you, and you are open to them psychoemotionally, and you acquire their perspective/ Sight rather directly, and probably more as well. Again with this point: if this perspective/ Sight is something of value, then it is only reasonable that you offer something of value in return. The cleanest way to deal with this, especially in a modern sense, is to just turn away people who aren't fitting from the outset as much as possible. Of course, many people may think you cold and ungenerous. From my perspective: 1) it's entitled 2) maybe even more importantly, it's unsafe and/or too chaotic. ... They have no idea what's really involved anyway; it's probably more ethical that they think that you're just an asshole.

As for this "mind control" issue. Well... don't worry. Ultimately we as humanity are all one mind and we're in this together.... right? (fractured and segmented as we all are in directness, especially.) I have said something like this before: ultimately there is no free will and no choice; the concept renders itself meaningless completely. Until then, play along with this "free will" game if you will, and indeed, you may find yourself needing to play along with while living in society even if it's completely functionally meaningless to you personally, as it is to me.

COSTS: Subverting the leader/ guru's authority in subtle ways has large, very negative payoffs when done repeatedly in direct consciousness in a shared group of people. It's disastrous for everyone involved; you can fuck shit up for everyone. You become the weakest link. And there is a reason why other people will tend to turn directly on you even as mob mentality to get criticized profoundly (as I guess it should). It's like if in your own body, cells were turning against themselves, your immune system goes haywire and on the defensive very aggressively. The outcome tends to be swift, reactive, and it can get violent and out hand especially quickly. It is a dangerous arrangement but also one with very high potential payoff if things go well. So the good things tend to go very well, and the negative/ fragmentary aspects tend to go very badly: everything gets magnified.

ONE MIND: You are essentially... learning to function properly as one mind. Sorry if this bothers you or disturbs you, I guess. But the spirit of modern secularism doesn't work in this type of consensus space. It shields you from the worst of it, but also the best of it too, which is what people tend to seek out when they join these groups in the first place: direct connection to source, the wisdom of the teacher, (and others too actually, is that not the best outcome of doing this in a group scenario?). A guru/ teacher has to be a niggling perfectionist to the point of oppressiveness (to many people, anything that would be considered for “normos”) a reasonable amount of the time to keep things structured and running in a group. That includes towards you, like structured/ habitual behaviour to keep things relatively in line energetically speaking; this structure only works because of and through the guru/teacher. Or else its a looser structure, and now you're working with institutions and systems, even if on a smaller, micro society level. And now: you have a different set of weaknesses and strengths to go with a different system of accountability which relies more greatly on segregation/ separation in a human, psychoemotional, and energetic sense. You cannot do the same type of things in a looser structure to my knowledge. You will not experience that same closeness, for example. It will be very situational and conditional in comparison. The closeness fostered in these type of tight structures social structures is not an accident. Again with this sentiment I express quite a bit: you gain some and you lose some potentially.

(I think this sentiment is redundant:) The closer you get to a model of true direct connection, the more it's like... the tightest ship to run in this world, socially speaking. If a person has the qualifications to be able to give benefits from the guru-devotee role (instead of just causing everything to crash and burn relatively quickly or turning it into a true Orwellian type of cult in spirit), while they do gain energy from this exchange (everyone should, it should actually be a win-win situation ultimately), it might actually be easier for them, especially at first where kinks that are not sorted out and/or things do not function ideally enough to just.... skip this altogether. After all, they are their own supply, right? (This is the more sheerly practical side considering possible obstacles.) Why not just hang out in the woods and skip all of this?

Hopefully standards are applied universally across the board, so this leader/ guru has adequate integrity and less situationally so due to the structure of things (again, the structural safeguards are less). I think you need a certain base level of integrity to actually make this work. The guru/ teacher is like the head/ mind, especially. Even very literally in some ways. Let's hope the head is screwed on well enough.

The potential payoffs: actual direct transmission of mind (or director transmission of mind with less of a buffer/ safety zone), information/ understanding/ psychic impressions/ feelings are created, shared, and travel very very quickly. The overall energy level is much higher; such is the nature of unity vs. segregation. Positive exponential energy, love, illumination, etc. The ability to funnel this energy/ drive towards a true collective dream and shared set of goals that is pretty much unmatched otherwise, even if say: only one or two people in the group are producing the output, they still benefit "individually". Mutual accelerated illumination. A real sense of community and belonging, through thick-and-thin (in the most positive sense). That is the best possible outcome of this all.

What is it that you want to create either through your own hands and words, or more directly through LOA? A new society or world? A new intellectual or art form or field? New things become much much easier and more accessible now via high energy level and shared perspective.

Note: the variations in perspective that exist/ remain are more like properly complementary shades more than anything else, from my understanding. Again, this is the nature of being in direct close contact and true sharing with people in openness period, across the board. Differentiating between borg-shit and non-borg shit.

EXCLUSIVENESS: Isn't the point of an ashram/ exclusive secret society/ w/e is that you don't want outsiders in it? That you know what your values and priorities are, you want to share it with people of like mind and goals, and you don't want to deal with dilution in the form of pointless critique in your own space, in the case that you founded this ashram/ society (so often people fail to distinguish between critique which is just having an attitude and having diffusive energy, and then getting annoyed when someone doesn't behave with the grace you feel entitled to (and they are babying you a bit, from my perspective)), and actually having welcome, appropriate discussion. So, the qualities for this discussion and the amount of “disagreement” vary amongst founders. Some people are more "heavy" (and thus, oppressive feeling by nature and also in their seriousness); while this tends to less so a quality of FLOW; it is not necessarily a disqualifier. Best to take that into account as much as possible and to find a teacher/ guru who is best suited to your preferences/ priorities personality. But like... “be reasonable”. Are you expecting a superhuman God-robot who never shits? You're kind of wasting everyone's time, from my perspective. Maybe enough people would be satisfied enough with your money regardless.

That you consider your way of life and priorities better than other people's in a sense or the best, because you chose this and this is what you're fully committed to? To be more inclusive/ interdependent in spirit; I think this is ideal, but this has a different result. The world is large and its influences relatively diverse at this point. To pull this altogether is another issue... and again, this skews the group towards looseness and openendness. It is possible to be both open, accepting, and in a tightly structured group without riff-raff being pulled toward the centre. Again... not easy. I tend to think this is a higher standard in terms of being able to accomplish it in a society with dissonant values to your microsociety while still actually managing to remain open, but again: the result is different than what I described above. (The bonus is that it will transform the society around you by proximity and openness, and that it should be very powerful.)

Anyway, is this not kind of arrogant by definition? (Y'all prioritize something by default.)

Another thing I'd like to point out: the closer you are with someone, the more you take on their traits and habits by default as if by osmosis/ proximity. This is the nature of openness, acceptance, and taking someone/ something into you more fully. Also, a person with strong enough will tends to overpower by simply being in their present/ vicinity. This is why it's suggested that you pick the people closest to you very carefully. And aren't you there because you want their best traits for yourself, in a way?

ANOTHER SEPARATE ISSUE: Ok. Why is it that people automatically conflate enlightenment/ awakeness with having perfect social grace of a certain persuasion (usually skewing more towards softness? I think I've made a point in this flavour before; what people attribute to the former does not necessarily bring the effortless development of the latter. I would like to add that it is not a particularly easy thing to develop especially if you have no one to model after yourself directly as an “authority figure” but also a human being that is continue to grow and to shift. We're all work in progresses, even if we frame and affirm ourselves intentionally as living, breathing perfection itself (or else we'd have nothing else to do with the rest of our damn lives); deal with it.)

There are things that are inherently and especially superficially narcissistic about a guru-devotee (and all direct authority and accountability) relationships practically by definition. Expecting figureheads to have "no ego" to offset this fully is... it's not going to work out in the long run. WTH is "no ego" here and how does that work out with any kind of practical aspect of authority whatsover?

You put a human up on a pedestal, and they will inevitably fall. It's a matter of time. Duly noted that this process can go both ways, as one of the testimonials on Shunyamurti said where he supposedly had a tendency of building people up, and then tearing them down (often subtly) when they didn't do what he wanted. Yes, that's how it tends to go. It's a consensus type of reality first above everything else. There are benefits and there are losses with this, again. And there are different ways of getting your point across. For example, my natural preference is to just ignore/ cut out people I don't like. In direct connection, this itself can have very severe consequences. But in a modern disjointed, secular world, it's relatively "clean" in comparison.

Just generally, the type of “followers” you attract, and the kinds of connections you curate more generally are inevitably reflections of yourself and your ethics/ priorities. This is a reason why I (hypothetically) am so picky and will not play (or pay for play here, heh).

...

(I left out all the sexual/ romantic/ emotional aspects for a reason though. ...Lots of people like their flavour of mind control spiked in that fun/ chaotic way to the high heavens, as problematic as it can be. Sorry, but it's the truth of it. It's a kind of social glue and an accountability factor. Things that this helps with: see "costs".)

Edited by modmyth
An example of my type of hypothetical qualifier: if you can't tell much at all what's real or true in this from reading any of this. Ain't nobody got time. 2) Most early stage backbiting, but it's entirely context specific.

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Posted (edited)

^I seriously challenge you to find someone who is both capable and willing to give you anything close to the above perspective, particularly this degree of internal exposure.

Edited by modmyth
"inevitable reference to past life shit"... nothing resonant doesn't come from nowhere. Not quite that creative, sorry.

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Posted (edited)

BACK TO THE HEAD METAPHOR:

Say that I manifest moreso as a "mind" rather than a "hand" when it comes to my skill sets/ function in this world (the qualifying factor: I can do the thing that I say that I am doing, and I provide sufficient value. Let's just take the pragmatic perspective here). Say that I can manage to feed myself well enough on my own or at least without this sort of social arrangement, so it's not just about having hands feed me or give me money or lamborghinis or whatever (what would be the stereotypical female version of receiving fancy car gifts in this scenario? ...)

Hey, do you know what I don't need in my life? I don't need to wake up to a hand slapping me in the face everyday out of the goodness of my heart, or something. In the same way that you probably wouldn't want to either. I also like my peace of mind and I need to be able to focus too. In the same way that I wouldn't want to perpetually argue with some voice in my head, or would I really prefer cluttering my home and the space in my psyche.

Also, it only takes one Judas to screw up things for everyone involved. Keep that mind, people. Maybe Jesus should have vetted his disciples better (but then I guess he wouldn't really be Jesus according to many people, people love that he took stragglers, but I'm talking mainly about stragglers of the spirit here especially). 

What is this, a free charity? 

A job where you have to pay your boss for the privilege of working there? (This makes me think of the number of strippers who apparently have to pay for the privilege of using the floor.)

Service still goes both ways, you know. Make it work for everyone's benefit.

Edited by modmyth
It'd like to add: it's still a society of Minds to me even if one person is moreso a centre/ linchpin piece. I also prefer the peer/ being able to relate casually thing. But business is still business and I don't like to fuck around with the serious stuff

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Posted (edited)

"EURASIAN BARBIE"/ representation?: This is a completely gratuitous post, but I freaked out a bit because I saw a doll and thought HOLY SHIT SHE HAS MY FACE (or the closet thing I've ever seen to it on a doll).

As I had written in a post last year, I wasn't even that big on barbies or dolls in general growing up either (what am I supposed to do with them?). Also though, my mom didn't buy me any because she thought the toys were a bad influence for girls (along with Disney and a number of brands/ products aimed towards young girls, and also the whole "be a princess" thing). If my grandma hadn't gave me a few, I never would have had any.

I had never seen an Asian barbie growing up. (Hawaiian barbie was the closest thing.) There was Barbie's brunette friend, but she looked too white to me to be relatable, especially as I looked a bit more East Asian as a child. Still, I'm not sure if Asian barbie would have been "relatable" in retrospect, to be honest.

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A few examples of East Asian barbies (I think, except for the first one which is definitely supposed to be Filipino, some of the others I am not sure about):

I've also seen some other dolls, and some could be "Eurasian passing" only if you skew towards the side which is less "Asian passing" IMO, but I haven't seen a doll that skews towards being either "mixed" (looking more like "half and half) or "white passing". Haha.... that is SO incredibly specific and niche.

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She's one of the Lunar New Year barbies, apparently. The skin and hair colouring are even pretty accurate. Just swap out a different pair of eyebrows... (and a different body shape)

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She kind of gives off Nancy Kwan vibes at least partially because of the outfit:

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For reference mainly:

On 9/19/2020 at 4:41 AM, modmyth said:

ZAPPA: A homage to my 15-16 year old self: quite literally, half a lifetime ago. (Enough pictures of myself already? I'm finding looking at my own face rather repetitive.)

Also a side note: I am wearing the infinity ring in on my neck in this picture, of which I had explained the meaning of in a previous post where there were photos of me from early last summer, plus mjolnir. So I am not a pagan reconstructionist (I consider it a bit tacky personally and it's not to my taste to relive the glory days of past traditions which made much more sense and use in context of the time period). Also at no point in my life would I ever have identified as one, and also we are living in a post-semiotic era IMO, but it does mean something to me and yes it does have an anchoring in a past life (note: usually I don't do the same thing twice, but this life has a special connection with that one.))

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Learning how to overline my lips but with a really conservative hand because in real life especially, generally underdone/ understated always looks better than overdone, makeup-wise. It looks fine enough in pictures, but in real life I think it looks kind of strange. Not used to the look of my own face with too much shit on it. Probably I really need to practice my eyeshadow in order to be decent at it (which is era-relative). I feel like I put it on like a 16-year-old girl still, which perhaps is appropriate for these photos thematically.

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The other wall hanging, the phoenix.

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DUSK CHAPEL: Circa very early last summer, pre-death: my only place of worship, really.

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For more comparisons, this Barbie looks very ethnically ambiguous to me. Her background could be any number of things (aka. "use your imagination"), monoethnic or not:

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But this Barbie really does not. She looks like an old-timey Chinese actress I've seen, but I don't remember her name:

(Great dress and hair on this model. Apparently it's an older version of the Lunar New Year Barbie, 2016, I think.)

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Edited by modmyth
As a doll though, the ethnic interpretation of facial features can be pretty ambigious though, obviously.// I feel like people are gonna read this post and be like.. what am I even looking at here?? Haha.

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Posted (edited)

TRADITIONAL DOLLS// CHINESE OPERA MEMORIES: On the topic of dolls, I actually really loved looking at these types growing up. I would usually see them if I took a joint flight to Hong Kong on Korean Air and we had some spare hours to kill at the aeroport in Seoul.

I always thought the hanbok was really beautiful.

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Some of them got quite elaborate and detailed.

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Likewise, I've also seen some very nice dolls in traditional Chinese clothes:

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Hua-Jian-Meng-Shi-Orange-Costume-Tang-Em

If you like outfits in Chinese period dramas. (Tang Dynasty, you can tell for sure when there's the red lotus painted on a woman's head.)

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Song Dynasty:

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Song Dynasty Bridal:

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Ming Dynasty:

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You know what? Some of these outfits are actually a lot like the outfits that my mom used to buy handmade in China (mostly in Guangzhou) for Chinese Opera, both the clothing and the headdresses, and then she would embellish them from scratch. I helped her as a child pick out the pieces (an area where she would actually ask for my opinion about something), which included different kinds of fabric trim, beads, and faux gems. Basically, anything that would really sparkle and stand out on stage under the stage lights and with movement. I helped her with the beading and assembling some of these pieces occasionally too if she was really pressed for time, because these things take a long time to make especially if you're a hobbyist...

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Some ladies especially got into Chinese opera not because they wanted to act and sing at all (both which require years of training), but because they wanted to bedazzle and then show off the results of their hard work. It was like arts and crafts on steroids! Some ladies really liked doing the makeup for the same reason, which isn't the easiest skill (having done it myself for people as well), and also the hair. (The ones who didn't enjoy this process just got it done by a professional in China along with the rest of their costume.)

The headpieces especially were where you could really go crazy with the bedazzlement.

Cantonese-Chinese-opera_headdress_10_zol

The hair is complicated and confusing to do; I've never done it before though. I've just watched it being done a lot of times. There are most often a lot of different hair pieces for the women especially if they're not wearing a hat (like below). The "bangs" and the "sideburns" are made from real human hair soaked in special tree bark which releases a gelatinous/ sticky substance which you soak the hairpieces in, and then you have to press out the extra water and give it some time to dry to side of your head.

Unsurprisingly, it can a bit of a bitch to get it off.

Also probably unsurprisingly, once you soak it in that sap-like substance, you really can't use it for anything else after. The residue stays even if you soak the hairpieces in water and squeegee out the residue with your hands/ a comb.

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A Memory: a request I often got was "modmyth please thread/ bead this because your hands are tiny" (and you're more agile with tiny objects).

Dolls I didn't like so much: those creepy glass-eyed dolls. I owned at least one or two. I always made sure to make to have their eyes facing away from any light source (including the window) because the light hitting their eyes made them glow in the dark a bit and it really unsettled me out at night while I was trying to sleep. But I couldn't quite bring myself to lock them in my closet or hide them somewhere without feeling bad about it because when I was really young, I was convinced that toys/ dolls had "souls" or were sentient (or could become something like that the more you interact with them, like as if spirits could come into them or you could attract or somehow imbue them with spirit), so it was inhumane/ cruel to separate them from all their "friends".

You would often see these types of dolls sold in catalogues in the 90s, which is based off an antique tradition, I think? I have no idea where I had gotten them; probably my grandma had given them to me.

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So if I put them away, I would just think about them all the time in the back of my head, and then feel bad. (Reading "The Velveteen Rabbit" really didn't help with this issue.)

I was also the kid that flipped out anytime anyone killed an insect because it was too inconvenient to put it out, or if anyone killed anything just to killed something, or if it was fun, or to see what it would do, etc. My parents, especially my dad, actually did accommodate me here. I was a very, very sensitive kid.

Edited by modmyth
Wait, was this like child labour or did I really, really want to be helpful? ;d

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Posted (edited)

LONG HAIR ON DUDES: Maybe all of these posts belong in Aesthetics. Oh well. It does fit the theme of this blog though.

So this is continuing the theme with this much earlier post:

To add to this point, I really, REALLY liked the long hair and rugged look even when I was 13 and younger. So maybe a beard and stubble, or maybe not, and this was including on characters that I wasn't supposed to find attractive, probably because it veered more towards the "rugged" side. Just generally, you wouldn't see the long hair and/or beard combo (even shoulder length long hair) that much in real life or on TV unless you watched Chinese period dramas or movies.

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*cue hair streaming majestically during a sword fight or while the actor was riding away on a horse*

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I was watching a period drama and he was too fem/ "pretty" (like I guess that would be considered to be/ have been a lot of younger, good looking East Asian actors), that was less so my thing. (That was one thing in particular that I remember liking about k-dramas before k-dramas really became popular overseas was the abundance of Asian actors who were a little bit more rugged looking as opposed to "pretty", think most modern kpop.)

I tried to find some examples from K film/drama (though I think most of these are very recent):

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That guy on the left though. (I think that's Jang Hyuk.)

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MV5BY2NiZWViZjItYjQ4NC00YTNlLWJjNjktZGI1

Dunno about these bangs.

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I knew it was weird/ atypical most of that time, because I remember other girls my age being more into "pretty boys", like guys from boy bands, or if they were Asian, it would often be an actor/ singer with a softer look, usually. I never brought it up because I felt too weird about it.

...I was attracted to men looking manly, moreso doing "manly" things.

So I got a bit older (14+), and then were metalhead guys. And I was like.... YES. JACKPOT.

(And also your hair might be nicer than mine, what the hell.)

...

(....what's your haircare routine like?)

When I got a bit older, like mid teens and older, I become more accepting of different types of looks (non-Asian in grown men, for one), also including more androgynous looks, different hair, etc.

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And to mirror the post link above, some Eurasian representation:

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If I look really closely though in a different picture, he has my hair texture and strand thickness (so it kinda feels like a lie).

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...I feel like it's necessary to add that I didn't start listening to the music with the hair in mind. I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE HAIR AT FIRST. :ph34r:

Edited by modmyth
When I think of people telling me about their childhood cartoon crushes, it really wasn't that Odd. ...it's not Spongebob?

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