modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

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Posted (edited)

3 AM OBSESSIVENESS: This may or may not be the most coherent//

Well, it's 3 am and I should probably be sleeping. Except I'm not. I have unleashed a certain obsessive part of my personality. I admit, that the last little bit (like a week or so), I have been a terrible girlfriend due to inattentiveness (and it's when I'm like this I wonder if I should be dating anyone at all). I can be not the most pleasant person to deal with when someone or something gets between me and my work, with the tendency to make myself conspicuously absent.

And I just want to work, work, work at this. There is a part of me that does not understand what work-life balance when I get so involved in something it consumes me.

All I'm doing at the moment is eating, exercising, meditating, writing, drawing (/doing art shit), and counting the time in between, at times. The pendulum has swung again towards a sort of extreme asceticism for the purpose of getting certain things done. Just this demanding peak performance of my psyche and consciousness over and over for extended periods of time. I am hammering my mind and psyche into something which will make me process, synthesize and create exponentially with this information processing/ synthesizing thing. It's the biggest energy sink at the moment.

METAPROCESSES: I practice both scripting and glyphing daily to shape and command the so-called subconscious/preconscious mind (a fiction too, of sorts). There are things that are not yet quite recalled or created, but you need an in-the-field approach to provide feedback, like just get the process moving, plus probably at least one more extra perspective in order to observe this while it's happening, and also retrospectively.

Yesterday I read Sapiens (400-450 pages I think), reread part of Dhalgren (150 pages, testing the way my mind processes different types of texts + noting different approaches/ “lens” which do or don't work), two architectural books (to be fair, there are almost no words so processing it visually at a rapid pace works. I'm not going to lie, it's difficult and frustrating. The sporadic approach I used as a child and in my earlier teens isn't going to cut it; following my own sense of interest and curiosity which can be really fickle. I need thoroughness and a sort of informational omniscience. Structurally speaking, it does not work by design. It will never work for what I need to do. Some aspects of processing are being recreated from scratch as I take note of everything which appears flawed intuitively (so there is a sort of examining of metaprocess going on simultaneously as I'm processing/ reading which I am relying on here).

Everything is chaotic and breakneck at this speed. It's frustrating and painful. It tests my patience and ability to hold peak consciousness without a sort of narrowing of my lens of focus plus distractability. I have to find a way to stay calm and open despite this. My consciousness keeps shifting shape in response to stimuli, as if like water or air. If I become rigid or too fix, it no longer works as it should, as it once did when I was a child. Become information. Be the lens, the process, the writer, the soul of it all.

It's completely ridiculous. I make myself nauseous (literally) with my demands, but such is life. (Once I stop, I'm completely calm. No accumulated stress or psychic residue; so at least that is changed.)

Today, I did it again, but with different books. It didn't get any easier, but I did notice more issues. That's good. So the metaprocess part gets adjusted again with the scripting. So soon enough, I predict it will get exponentially easier. We'll see.

So tomorrow, note to self, organize my time a bit better and be less self-indulgent with my scheduling, the better I get at this, the less freedom there is in a way. In a comparable way, I must bind myself and push (at times, straight-up force myself without being so violent) to focus perfectly in specific ways for at least 1-2 hour intervals minimum. Also, be more emotionally present. It will get easier (and then, it will get harder. Such is life. I rescind my 'freedom' to choose otherwise).

***I guess I should meditate and get some sleep.
***I may be wired for this sort of intensity but I still find it very difficult.

Edited by modmyth
pushing myself towards the periphery of "actual peak capacity" + then some.

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Posted (edited)

CONFESSIONALS: PAST LIFE WEIRDNESS// “EGO” + On Practicing Openness as Principle

There is the most peculiar feeling of recursion of holding a text in my hands which is the product of thinking in a past life; and I am immediately struck by how similar my way of thinking and processing is, regardless of the time period, at the root of it. It's not that hard for me to identify myself, particularly the way I react relative to a certain time period and culture. It's inescapable, and at times crushing, for when I aggressively have no desire to hold onto the past. It's not like I'm running around trying to squeeze pegs into holes over here, although sometimes occasionally, I feel inclined to test it out a bit like that. Mostly no. It's that crushing sense or like being hit over the head with said book.

I know myself quite well.  (Do you know yourself that well? And do you want to?)

I could write books about it (but I would prefer not to).

The farther you go back in time, the more certain things I've done have had a massive scope far beyond the scope of that particular lifetime (as in, it sets the course for a whole cycle culturally of thousands of years), especially in the sense of creating knowledge, a future field of inquiry, or discipline directly. There is a reason for this. There is the most space for expansion and inquiry (what will we do next?) near the beginning of an era usually. The further we have gone in time towards the present over the course of the past thousands of years, the more we have been trapped in our own atomistic thinking within an everexpanding labyrinth of culture, information, and the individual variations of collective experience.

It's the weirdest feeling. Sometimes I feel very proud of what I have done, if you define pride as a sense of I have made good use of that time on Earth and it resulted in a sort of germination of knowledge and culture that has created the sort of space and questions necessary for other people to do worthwhile work. Sometimes I have felt pain or concern in the last 10 years, as in a sense of responsibility for the outcome of certain disciplines and fields of knowledge have gone over said time, even if I had ceased to be directly involved with that field at all for many lives. I still feel responsible for it in a way, as if it was a child, or something to that effect. (Again, I will draw attention to the fact that I do not really have any normal sense of time on any scale. Past lives = this life// there's no intrinsic sense of separation. I am a continuum). What I dislike most of all is this cramped feeling; what story am I supposed to tell other people about this? Maybe I can just say nothing at all?

I find myself wanting to talk about it in a public way, and challenge this other deep-rooted tendency; it's gauche to talk about what I've done in a past lives, “achievements” and whatnot. It's always: what does this have to with the present. How does this relate to the work you need to do right now? You have to deal with people thinking you're full of shit. But at the same time, openness is the way of the future, isn't it? Also, you have to deal with people thinking you're full of shit regardless, so really don't let that get in the way of doing anything that matters. If I am obliged to reflect on my own past and other people's experiences and to make sense of it openly, it's the same with past life experience, especially on a larger or total scale. It's not a point of obsession; I don't think about it constantly, it's just that when it comes up naturally in the way that happens when I am just living, reflecting, and perpetually generating understanding. Then I have this complex reaction. Where do I draw the line with what I share? And this decision is not based on my own preference, exactly; it's based on other people and where we are collectively as a culture and in our psychospiritual evolution. How much openness are we prepared for right now? (Openness is "unity consciousness" by definition.)

Ok. Reorient myself. Try again.

Maybe I should just say whatever I want unless there's a really good reason not to. Maybe I shouldn't waste time creating conflict with myself in this way (as this conflict will inevitably influence other people if I at all have influence). I should probably just stand with myself on my own side and ignore everything else at this point. After all, I am “destined” (so the soul writes) in this lifetime to do something at least as big or influential as anything that I've done in the very early years of human history, and will inevitably be able to match that exercising of scope and skill which is completely relative to where everyone else is collectively. There is no choice or option about that aspect. And there is no mystery about it either for me.

It's the same game, really.

How much am I obliged to talk or show about myself though? And why, for what reason? What higher purpose does it serve? There is always this same question that I had been asking myself in the past, although actually, I have not asked myself so much lately, because I don't feel like I have really been holding back in my writing at all here.

Maybe I should just talk about the past lives. Do I really have to keep this in the closet? It's always easier to talk about the nonfamous ones (aka. nonrecorded or nonmythic) because I don't have to deal with the pretense about pretense. (Aka. "ego" or accusations about ego or just generally being nutters). Although, if you're gonna call me nutters, can it be at least be about something I find funny? Can we make a game of it or something? Like if you find me very odd and that makes you uncomfortable, well, probably on some level I'm going to want to poke some fun at that and probably at you too.

Seriously though, why do I still have to play this game with myself? (Why am I internalizing projections of other people's opinions still, even though it doesn't quite stick like it used to?) Will I endanger my work being taken seriously now or in the future (this is the only thing that really matters in the long run). Why can't I just say who I am and what I've known myself to have done? And anyway, to what degree will my ability to do work that is of enough significant value of others (in both the present time period and in the future) offset the amount of outlandish shit I've said and inevitably will continue to say if I'm truly and totally committed to this premise of openness? These are questions that I still ask myself all the time.

Just keep walking.

I always have to keep testing people's boundaries, watching and waiting for people's feedback, and then adjust. The same damn game.

A TENDENCY: There is always this tendency and desire to be the first person to do this or that, which means that I look for untapped potential. I am a proto this-or-that. And when there is nothing to do, it's not a great feeling. There are few things I dislike more than being in civilization with nothing worth doing. I absorb the spirit of an era.

 

Edited by modmyth
'Modmyth, why do you think you're such hot shit?' A: Go be your best self and do your thing, for real. I don't have to much more time and energy to allocate towards this. Sigh.

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Posted (edited)

Wittgenstein and the "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus"// This is just a rant about philosophy:

So I was once told that I didn't really understand this philosopher by someone I respected intellectually. Like, I just didn't get it. Once in a while, I will read it and re-read it to see if I missed anything, particularly with this text. Every time, I approach it with an (honestly) open mind hoping that I missed something and to "see the light", but it never happens. Like seriously, prove me wrong, I'd be happy to be wrong. Or at least help me see it from your perspective and not from mine. Because this is about hyperlogical clarity, isn't it? 

I am in this practice; if there is something I really dislike or think lacks redeeming value, I will try very very hard to see the value in it from pretty much any possible perspective. I will keep trying over and over again.

OBCURANTISM: In academia, it's like some kind of goddamned cult. And with some people, if you're not on board, you're some kind of pleb who just doesn't get it.

Well, every supposedly profound insight I have ever read from people about how they interpreted about him... I think to myself well yea, that's obvious. These insights into nature of language and the interpretation of reality, and stuff apparently people take for granted, is expressed in the most obscure and convoluted way possible (I mean, at the level of concept and ideas here, which yes is a "real" thing, which is real in the sense that you can work with it functionally completely outside of language, ok? Also, stop blaming Platonism and comparable thought systems for your lack of ability to either process "aconceptually" or communicate the "aconceptual". Stuff that is outside of language is not an invention of Platonism, haha. Also, it's an entirely feasible goal, not some kind of unicorn fantasy.) Reading this text is like reading "water is wet", "water is wet", over and over and over again, but in a conceptual sense he can barely write or express himself. Yes, language can suck. It is inherently creative and metaphorical in away. And you know what? The more you embrace those features, curiously, the more you can express yourself as clearly and directly as language allows concisely. Also, as a piece of absurdist writing (something which is intended to be self-collapsing at a conceptual level), this seriously sucks. It's hard to express yourself coherently with language when you keep trying to collapse it on itself conceptually in that way that he is.

Metaphors and stories work incredibly well for communicating and impressing meaning, which we have been doing time immemorial since there was spoken language. Spoken language = stories. All communication = narratives = stories. Symbols, signifiers, postmodernism. Blah blah blah... it's all be said before and much earlier, in a different cultural context with different languages, but coming to the same conclusion. Jesus just express things in the vernacular unless there is a very very good reason not too. Is this fun? Why do people take this shit so seriously?

Anyway, there is this well-known anecdote attributed to Huineng, as recorded in the Platform Sutra. This sentiment repeats itself in Chinese thought over and over again. I think collectively, we might have a much looser grip on language and more expansive and flexible view of it, like we have a very different experience of language period, probably at least partially due to the amount of time Buddhism has been circulating in Chinese thought. I read this stuff when I was a child. The point of it isn't that hard to understand, is it?

"The story goes as one of his colleague monks had read the scripture of Mahāparinirvāṇa Sūtra for years and still didn't get it.

Huìnéng askes her to read it to him and see if he can help explain. She laughs, you don't even read and how can you understand? Huìnéng replies, "Truth has nothing to do with language. Truth is like Moon in the sky and language is like the finger that points to the moon. A finger can point out where the moon is, but the finger is not the truth. You can see the moon without help of any fingers, can't you?"

Great, that's technically all you need to say.

giphy.gif

What is the best way to put this? Every time, I reread the "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus", I have this thought. This is the most textbook autistic thing I have ever read. In my whole life. Like, it is by definition, with everything I have ever read about it. Legitimately I am wondering, was he on the spectrum? This is not meant to insult him as a person or the condition, but I do think this sort of work is super pointless intellectually and aesthetically. Yes, I understand that he's historically relevant and that he marks the split between the continental and analytical philosophy. That doesn't mean he's great to read now. But if reading him is what it takes to come to those sorts of conclusions. Well, have at it, I guess? I tried to relate, apparently, I cannot.

Wittgenstein's later works on language games, fine. I have no issues with them. At least he learned how to write and express himself better. I still don't think it's brilliant, but at least you can do something useful with it. If it was novel at the time, as in, it appeared first in that cultural vacuum. I get that. 

GENERAL ISSUE: Also, expressing yourself well actually comes from a level that is actually outside of language completely. Processing quickly or instantly (aka. "gnostically") comes from a level outside of language completely, like inspiration. It's not an invention of platonism. This isn't me being mystical. I am describing a process. FFS.

It is possible to observe this directly with full consciousness of it.

On Universal Judgment: Hey, I'll hit myself with this the hardest of all because I'm not afraid of being wrong, and also ideas are just ideas. A perspective is just a perspective. So I'm not bothered by asking myself, tongue-in-cheek:

431icn.jpg

Edited by modmyth
resurrected meme

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Posted (edited)

THE LIMITS AND LIMITLESSNESS OF UNDERSTANDING:

Also, I explain myself in a complex and convoluted way via language at times. I am aware of the irony of complaining about someone else doing it, haha. I have done this the most in my journal METACOG, trying to map aconceptual space (aka. non-symbolic communication). I have been wondering before, during, and afterward if I have been wasting my time completely.

My current mode of thinking about it at the moment is this: understanding is given or transmitted first, or the space is cleared out and created for it, the seeds of understanding are sown through collective desire and the desire of specific individuals, and then it is germinated. All intentions follow their designated trajectory as it is projected in the moment of conceiving that intention (just because you're not aware of it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist and can't be read). 'God' is the original intention. This world, everything we see, society, nature, is created from intentions running their course in a causal way. (Not really a revolutionary thought here.)

After that, then you are capable of having the experience of understanding consciously, but not before. The fabric or matrix of understanding (as a sort of groundwork) has to be created, willed for, or envisioned first. This is how it tends to work here on planet Earth, historically on the micro and macro level (as in, cultural movements, e.g. the European Enlightenment). I see no reason it will work any differently.

I made the shift towards this line of thinking: All understanding is direct transmission. (In every sense of this. And so now, communicating everything clearly and fully now is possible. I have to believe it is possible and make reality conform now, in a sense.)

Anyway, this is not a "mystical" perspective, in the sense that universal cause and effect applies. Being mystical in this way, as in obscuring things for its own sake, is stupid. So by mystical, I don't mean "transcendental appreciation" here. Just generally, don't make things harder than they have to be wherever you happen to be perceptually and work at your actual natural limits, wherever they also happen to be. There is more than enough to do that's worth doing without wasting your time with that shit.

Hilariously, someone messaged me on Fetlife saying that intellectually (also including perspectives about spirituality and sexuality) I am harder to grasp than anything he's ever read in university, in philosophy. I... that's not really compliment. I'm not proud of being difficult to understand at times. It's a barrier or obstacle to communication. (This is my populist side showing, I guess. I really would like everyone to get what I'm saying, even if it's not of personal value.)

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

MY CHINESE NAME + A CHILDHOOD MEMENTO:

So, being biracial, I have two last names. Which is pretty cool. When I was very young, I didn't think it was strange at all that I used one name in Hong Kong and in mainland China (as well as around people who primarily only spoke Chinese and in Chinese school) and another name most of the time otherwise. My Chinese friends also used their Chinese name when they went to traditional Chinese school on Saturdays, but they just had one last name. Also, my dad's last name is very German-sounding.

My Chinese name is 張 依 韻 (zhāng yī yùn, in Mandarin) (In Cantonese, it's zoeng1 ji1 wan5, which sounds roughly like "jerng e-won". Based on this, you might be able to guess what my English first name is, as my parents deliberately picked an English name that would sound about the same as my Chinese name). I have mentioned earlier in this blog that my mom is from the Hong Kong area, so her native tongue is Cantonese.

So in Chinese, your last name goes first. For emphasis. Because your family, as a collective, is more important than you are. .... "Zhāng" is a pretty common last name. Also, it is the same surname as a very famous warring states period general, Zhāng Fēi (張飛).

If you are around in China or anywhere where there is a significant Chinese population, especially if there are older people (e.g. in a Chinatown), you might see a guy with an epicly long beard in an ancestral shrine. It's probably Guan Yu, also a very famous warring states period general, who with Zhang Fei, served under a military warlord named Liu Bei. Out of all the three of them, Guan Yu gets enshrined the most. I have no idea why he was deified more than the other two. Occasionally, I have seen Zhang Fei as a statue or enshrined, but I have never seen Liu Bei ever just by himself, the subject of a shrine. I also have no idea why.

Guan Yu, Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, in that order:

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Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei: the physical characterizations are usually pretty consistent.

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Here is Guan Yu in a personal shrine (it could either be in a public place like a shop, restaurant, or studio. Or in someone's home). He often sports a red face, a long beard, and the Chinese version of halberd (I think). So back when I used to take martial arts as a teenager, my sifu told me that those weapons were for foot soldiers to chop off the legs of horses of mounted soldiers. I must have looked really upset or like I was going to cry, because he said something really unsentimental like: well, that's war.

guan-di.jpg?w=584

When I went to China when I was 7, my parents bought me a replica of the Flying Horse of Gansu, which which is an artifact from the Han Dynasty. I'm not sure why I was so obsessed with it, other than I liked horses, and this horse was like Chinese pegasus. I must have read the description for it or had been told about it by my parents, as occasionally they explained things here to me; I probably saw this in a museum and bought it in the gift shop there. So, I probably learned this horse sculpture was found in a tomb, and about how in that era, they were still burying small replicas of lifelike objects to bring with them to the afterlife, mostly in the form of servants, horses and animals, furniture, as well as jewelry and other personal belongings.

Dude must have wanted a flying horse in his afterlife. I can't blame him.

Anyway, I may have mentioned that as a child, I was very obsessed with history and I read a ton of books about it, and when my parents carted me and my brother to museums, I was the one who mostly read every single caption for the descriptions for all of the artifacts while my brother was bored to tears for spending 2-3 hours in a museum. Sometimes we would spend all day if there was a lot to see. I would get tired mentally after these excursions.

1200px-Gansu_Museum_2007_257.jpg

I did actually play with it occasionally. But it was a bit awkward playing with a metal sculpture.

Also, I had a seal made with my Chinese name on it as a souvenir, which also had the flying horse on it. I got to pick the design and I was so very obsessed with the flying horse.  Sometimes I have looked at it as an adult thinking, what am I gonna do with this? I have actually considered using it on my own artworks.

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My parents owned a lot of interesting historical replicas like this, sculptures and art that they brought back from their travels, especially Asian art. Sometimes I would spend hours as a child just looking at all of these things and observing them very carefully and in meticulous detail because they were so interesting to study, and I actually did respect my parents' insistence on not playing with them and was very careful with whatever I touched.

 

Edited by modmyth
For reference, I did have normal toys!

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So awesome!
 

It’s funny, i feel I have a natural alien 👽 lingo I speak in that sounds Chinese. It just comes right out if I try to speak jibberish. For all I know it is, but would be interesting to hear someone’s thoughts on it xD

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@DrewNows  There is an official name for that, it's called "glossolalia". Some singers sing just using that, their own made-up language, and often it does sound like bits and pieces of other languages. As for whether your language actually sounds like Chinese, I would have to hear it in order to tell you. :D

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, modmyth said:

@DrewNows  There is an official name for that, it's called "glossolalia". Some singers sing just using that, their own made-up language, and often it does sound like bits and pieces of other languages. As for whether your language actually sounds like Chinese, I would have to hear it in order to tell you. :D

"glossolalia!" How bout that xD

brb going to tell a little birdie to pass on my glossolalia, be on the look out! 
here’s the spunky little guy

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I’ve never been berated so much in my life, I kid you not (has a real ‘suck it’ attitude) 

Edited by DrewNows

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Posted (edited)

7 hours ago, modmyth said:

@DrewNows  Cute! What kind of bird is that?  Any guesses?

No idea. It just so happened to be a bird very moved by my presence. Continuously chirping and flying around me, and all I was doing was checking out these cool flowers next to the tree (maybe there was a nest) The funny thing was the bird would only come about 6 ft away and fly around as if there was an invisible ball-like force field surrounding me 

52BC4F91-CF03-4A11-A749-F2CD4EAB011B.jpeg

Edited by DrewNows

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@DrewNows Were those pictures taken close to where you live? It looks very green. Wild birds and animals are usually hyper spatially conscious like that, unless they're crows (DGAF) or ones that are used to getting something from humans. I live near a park where we have very chubby squirrels which will practically run right up to your feet because they're used to getting fed constantly.

It's usually noisy with birds here in the spring, starting at 4 am in the morning. I think this is main reason I'm sleeping with earplugs at this point, haha. Are they everywhere or are they just directly outside my window all of time?

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6 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Are they everywhere or are they just directly outside my window all of time?

xD
I do live in a green city with parks and plenty of life. I can really hear it in the moment, also I tend to really appreciate it at night if I’m walking around. The city park is where I encountered this pair of birds, the one in the pic gave me trouble. Wanted to capture him/her in mid flight, just too fast  

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Posted (edited)

@DrewNows Me too, Metro Vancouver is very green. I used to live in a city where the tagline was, "The City of Parks".

It seems like they never take a break, haha. Also, it wasn't until I was an adult that I discovered some of those bird sounds were actually angry/ territorial squirrels, mainly the Douglas squirrel, for reference here in a couple of these videos:

Mostly I just think everything is a bird. They are sooo cute. Once, I was taking a walk with my bf in a park, and one bounced off his leg. Maybe it's because we had no food for him; I honestly don't know! Super sassy though.

Edited by modmyth

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SORRY WITTGENSTEIN: Maybe I have gone through at least 3 academic books in the past week that have mentioned you, and I asked myself, was it really necessary to mention you here in this particular analysis of the Achaemenid empire or the interpretation of the Buddhist Pali canon? Or is just more trendy academic namedropping?

You know with anything, what is the actual point of in this particular work and in the widest sense?

You do make some important observations, even if I think they should be obvious to everyone; clearly it isn't. It's cool if you're odd and hard to understand and apparently people think you're intimidating and mysterious, haha. (I read that he intimidated Bertrand Russell and some other notables.) So people decided to start a cult of you. You didn't ask to start the cult of yourself, as far as I know. I don't actually dislike you. (I just don't get the big deal and you lack writing flair, but it seems like you were aware of that, that communication was difficult for you in the normal sense of the word.)

INFINITE SOUND PERCEPTION// THE FUTURE SOUND OF MUSIC: Last summer, while I locked myself inside the proverbial infinity chamber, I heard music in a completely different way that I still really have no idea how to explain at all. Only to say that I heard a degree of distinction and structure that I wasn't even aware that was possible. Suddenly I became aware of a level of patterning, or multiple levels of patterning simultaneously all at once that I am pretty sure extends significantly beyond the normal ability to perceive order and meaning in sound...

Intuition dictates that the future of sound is here.

Here, I experienced sound and music as an entire world. I find myself stuck with wordiness: I want to call this sort of multilayered, multihierarchial sound perception: “recursive nomenclature”, which is what simply comes to mind. Where I might normally notice a few, or maybe 5-10 distinctions at most, suddenly I can perceive what might be hundreds or thousands of distinctions simultaneously. It is a rawer, more absolute perception. I have the intuition that there are no names for some of this stuff yet, no language that exists to explain it. Some of it is already perceived by those that work with sound professional and have a sharp ear, and I suspect some of it is off the range because it is atomistic in its detail and level of distinction. It is higher sound perception relating and overlapping highly with the psychic senses.

It is like being able to walk into a crowded space, say a food court in the mall (using this because I have actually had this distinction) and giving relatively EQUAL valuation to each individual voice, so you get the sense of hearing each individual voice simultaneously, but also as a collective (instant headaches at the time). It's not that you can exactly understand what each individual voice is saying, but you can hear the character and sound of their voice and also get intuitive impressions about singular voices (as if you had never heard human language or speaking before, so it doesn't intrinsically mean anything) as a distinct phenomenon. In a state of openness, this has happened to me occasionally, but not the degree described above.

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It is in a way, it is also comparable to my way of processing reality visually which happens normally all the time (“particle vision”, where visually, reality is experienced in a visually unified way, intensely vivid, unsolid, as an uncountable number of light particles, and with other layers of (what's considered nonphysical reality) is overlayed ontop. (you could just as easier say that it's the other way round though, visible reality is constantly and totally projecting out of an infintessmally tiny singularity)).

I could massively refine or reattune my hearing by reorientating back towards this point, I suppose it's inevitable that I will. Then this gets implanted into the collective consciousness. At this point, it's a free for all, if it comes to you and you can make sense of it, you are free to do something amazing and mindboggling with it. Even a small fraction of this will take you places relative to your current experience and knowledge base. I thought originally I was supposed to share it with particular people (or a particular person), but I'm not feeling very precious about it anymore. There may be a need to do a bit more than simply embedding or channeling that consciousness, but we'll see a guess. Put that one on the list.

I have thought at times that I would probably make a much more skilled writer of music than a visual artist, but here I am with the visual arts, and also a million other things to do. I lack experience in writing music, although I have had some moments in childhood which I have written about here. I have sometimes thought of starting again, for fun. But you know, time. Priorities at the moment.

Edited by modmyth

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1 hour ago, modmyth said:

Mostly I just think everything is bird

reminds me of "ball (bird) is life" catch phrase xD

nature is like the mother that never gets off our back, always means well but sometimes creates discomfort 

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Posted (edited)

'NEGATIVE THOUGHTS'// Things that I am not sure are worth reading:

So I am certain that I have the focus of what I should work on now. Again, without bothering to dip recursively back into talking about past life awareness and experience directly (although it's very much a relevant frame of reference)... it is in a sense building the world's largest parenthesis (         ) Perceptually speaking, that is. I have done something similar to this goal, but the output, narratively speaking, was very different. What this will look like exactly, I don't know yet, but the most important thing is to work out more what it within the scope (other than just very generally everything that I think's worth including). I don't know. I don't feel excited. I feel clarity, like oh, this is it. This is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now, and probably is the thing (or alternatively, one of a series of things that puts me on the map, as apparently that's what I'm supposed to do. Share perspective.

I had a breakdown the last couple days (or more accurately to say, I have initiated or goaded the process of breakdown because I have anticipated the need for it). I feel so goddamned tired. Sometimes I still honestly can't believe that I have managed to survive this long. If I'm being honest, part of me still wants to reroll. A different life, a different body. I feel so worn out in this one. I've done everything I thought I could to clear the slate.

There was no payout. It was stupid for me to expect one. You could say that holding a narrative like that; that's an inherently self-fulfilling prophecy. It is what it is. One of the points of this particular blog is to not hold a false positivity, particularly as a method of avoidance and distraction, whenever humanly possible. I am ready to break out of my own myopia yet again and to do whatever it is that it takes. I am ready to return.

I have J. I feel like I suck badly at this whole being in a relationship thing. He's all I have in the sense of, the person I can count on in my physical life. A person who is most likely to be there whenever I need him, who dedicated his life to helping me do whatever it is that I need to do, above else. Perhaps it's a selfish thing, and perhaps I need it. I didn't realize how much this was actually worth until within the last year. I have cut away at everyone and everything in my life as I've known it before, to see who would stay and who wouldn't, who would understand me and who wouldn't, and on what terms. The end result is predictable. I asked pretty much everyone to go away.

J isn't very good at going away.

He says that I'm pushing myself too hard; I know I am. I tell him, I am aware I could stop at any point; it's a choice I've made. But when I'm working hard on something or another, I am in flow, and I am not asking myself some version of... What's this all for? Why am I even still here? Why do I have to be here? I have this tendency to get comatose when I'm like this. I've seen so much, too much, too goddamned much. So now what? What's the point of it?

I know I'm not that enjoyable to be around lately. There's something about perpetually maintaining distance from people so that they don't have to see or deal with certain aspects of you, and then being completely absent when you're in certain states. If I'm going to be a certain way, might as well not bring another person down. In my life, as I have known myself, I have relied so heavily on disconnection and absence in this way.

I don't feel positive at all right now. Surely that will change. Surely I can make more adjustments to the lens of perception yet again. I feel reminded of the way I felt shorted after I graduated about 10 years ago, or so. Right now though; thinking this way has been too much of a hamster wheel.

I don't know what I want personally, in my own life, at all. As in personally,  just for myself, and not for anyone else. I don't know that I think it matters at all. I have felt the pressure to make it matter, over and over again, and also I have been pressuring myself too hard to release that perspective entirely; I have been getting an internal backlash related to that. I have also experienced the completely freeing perception of realizing, maybe it doesn't matter at all, what I want in a personal way. And then I think about, everything that leads me to think that way in the first place, and it fucking hurts. Then there's more of this: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't indulge in too much of this anymore, but it seems like I've blotted it out in a way that is possible when you're constantly making yourself busy. I could have stretched this one out longer, but no. I asked to be freed again and to return to a post last September state, with some adjustments. Without my preoccupation with love in a personal sense that dragged me back into... whatever that happened after. (And I tell myself, I think I've seen everything that I've needed to see here.) Why did I return? Not for love, surely.

I don't think very highly of my ability to love at all in the romantic sense, even if I am told otherwise. I still don't know what it means, but to give, and it feels so... insubstantial? What do I actually have to offer that matters anymore? If this is cynicism, then I feel like it's toxic, but also that I am compulsively making an issue of something I probably don't need to make an issue about.

So I went and got my heart broken; this end result was pretty predictable. The extend of all of these consequences, maybe not. So there is no one to make responsible for the way I feel.

….

I think I've naturally reached the end of this line of processing, so I'm going to start again. (Is this even worth posting? This used to be the sort of thing I would write about privately, and then forget about after.)

***What I wished is to give up my freedom to process in this way indefinitely and to go on and on with it. I have experienced first hand where, if there is the inclination to go back into old habits, how insanely restricting this can feel, which is not the point.

***The pain of asking myself 'what am I good for even really still?', even if it's only in passing.

***PRAXIS: Don't be allergic to your own negativity. It's feedback.

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

PROGRESS REPORT (for the last week to week and a half): So, I am actually feeling better after barfing out of all of those thoughts in public in ARS AMORATA. That's why I do it. I know it doesn't work for a lot of people; I get that. It's helpful to me in relation to my life path and where I've been since last November or so. Before that, not really. I did my journaling work in private.

BOOKS READ: So probably the major reason why I've been stressing this week, I've mostly covered academic literature (as in, people usually only read this stuff if they're writing academic books in this field, and not for fun, unless they're some kind of massive nerd. *dramatic cough*). A lot of this stuff is within my former field of study though. So I am going to get this information processing/ synthesizing dynamic right or as close to perfect as I can possibly manage. So I should be in more of a flow, and I should be able to retain an extremely high level of focus perfectly for the whole duration of time. 

So after 30 minutes, 1 hour, sometimes 2 hours, sometimes this is difficult especially if the text gets really fucking boring, and some of the stuff was definitely borrowing. My ability to move at an accelerated pace, process, and synthesize in close succession relies heavily on my sense of focus, interest, and maintaining a certain kind of high. I have been pushing myself even though it causes me pain.

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Imperial Matter: Ancient Persia and the Archaeology of Empires (330 pages)
Philosophy of Desire in the Buddhist Pali Canon (284 pages)
Wittgenstein Logio-Philosophius (88 pages)
The Biosocial Model of Health and Desire (224)
Celtic Mythology (this one is really short) (44)
Ancient Terracotta from Siciliy (250)
Words for Writers (450 pages, this one I combed through very meticulously.)
Tech Giants, Artificial Intelligence, and the Future of Journalism (200)
Magic Vocab Guilder for Mandarin Chinese (186)
The language between God and Poets: Ma‘na in the Eleventh Century (296)
Dhalgren (about 800 pages, but I only got through 145 pages)
The Machine Age (260 pages)
Sapiens (414)
Ray Kurzweil - The Singularity is Near (434, about 100 pages in)

So, that's going to be about 3605 pages once I finish "Words for Writers" and "The Singularity is Near". Mainly adding this up for my own curiosity; I made a conservative estimate and noted it was probably about 2000-3000 pages, probably in the upper range. It's worth noting, the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus I've read before; so I don't have to concern myself with digesting it freshly. As I have also read Dhalgren, so I read a little bit, and then decided that I didn't want to ruin fiction by giving it this treatment, even though I also wanted to test out my approach. Also worth noting, I took those book page numbers from Amazon, and I did not comb through the references; which I would definitely be doing if I was doing a research paper. Some of these reference lists can be very long; it's proper for an academic book.

Stupid fucking postmodern academic prose writing style. I was so excited by the number of free books you can get through amazon kindle (unlimited or not) that would otherwise cost a lot. I can appreciate that the stuff touching on tech is much easier to access, at least language-wise. This may or may not have fuelled my irritation towards Wittgenstein. (I may also have some kind of unresolved trauma here, haha. xD)

Well, that explains at least partially why I've been stressing the hell out. Even now the act of sitting down to read has started to stress me out due to anticipation because I push myself to read according to a certain pace and set of standards. And right now, my brain is like, modmyth no. And I'm like, brain, do better, and at the same time, relax, because if I get too stressed I can't focus properly. Agitated and high strung and moderately annoyed, I can work with. Anything more, no. That's usually why I stop, because my brain physically hurts. Anyway, what I am doing is trying to get this procedurally perfect,  as much as possible. And it's pissing me off. 70% of the time, if the book was a physical book, I'd want to throw it across the room. Getting there, I guess. I've taken a break the past day or two and slowed down greatly.

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ART: On the side: a little nonblog writing, as in jotting down ideas, sketching everyday (I try to do at least one page no matter what I'm doing otherwise, but once in a while, my brain does get really dry, and I both keep recycling the same ideas very explicitly over and over again, I've also managed to do 3 paintings in the past week, on my brand new 8 by 5 Moleskine watercolour album; none of them are quite finished. For me, this is relaxing. Put on some music or a podcast, and stop thinking so much.

*LANGUAGE: Also, I have done a little bit of ANKI mainly focusing on Mandarin still (I usually do this in 1-hour intervals, give or take half an hour, again at a rapid-fire pace). Maybe half of those days, I have been managing to do it.

*EXERCISE: I've managed to keep up my calisthenics + pilates routine, although I skipped a day or two because of female monthly cycle things, hormones, more stress than normal. (But that didn't stop me from reading and shit).

MEDITATION: I do it to relax mainly at this moment and to stay psychoemotionally very open and connected, on top of whatever else comes naturally. I'm not structuring it too heavily right now.

*Also scripting still, which requires being in a sort of emotionally high and focused state, or else I won't bother doing it.

OBSESSION: For reference, when I was in academia, I've cleared a whole shelf or half a shelf on an incredibly specific subject within... maybe 2 weeks? But I would go to classes in either the morning or the afternoon, and the stay until 11 or 12 am or until I could get the last bus out of campus. No, I did not read every passage equally, but I went through every book to make sure I got relevant passages. How much did I actually read? I have no idea, but a lot more than I listed above. It's kind of a blur TBH. I'm mainly bringing this up to say that I'm not a stranger to this sort of obsessive information combing; I was very good at it (also, formerly considered a sort of big deal in something I didn't end up wanting to keep on doing at all.)

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Edited by modmyth
Thanks mom for that solid Asian American work ethic.

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Posted (edited)

PALETTE CLEANSER: Mainly for the other journals which I've been posting in, mostly ARS AMORATA.

For everyone who was seriously considering becoming a lawyer, or whose parents gave them shit for not even considering it. xD

For those who have become fatigued or cynical in love, at some point or another:

I laughed but also was sad inside, knowing someone with legitimate OCD.

This is like, most of my female relatives over a certain age?

Well, my stress levels are rising watching that.

*mildly triggered*

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT: Erase this all, start again, create this story from scratch.

So tell me now, am I done rebelling against the past? Against my childhood? Against the utter collapse of romance, sentimentality, and this idea of 'home'? Against sexuality and the modes of being as they been presented to me, as they are (in such a public way too)? All these concepts and identities that I've tried to tinker with that have only brought me so far, and have exhausted me sooner rather than later?

There's a certain sense of internal conflict within me, with those issues, that very well may just be collapsed now entirely. (Those lingering issues with love though. How viscious it's all been, the whole experience.)

Ultimately, there can be no more concept of negotiation or compromise.

*May all lies and illusions be seen through now, may they be dissolved, instantly and painlessly, and without attachment to cause.
*May everything be in a state of absolute clarity and understanding and resolution.
*May all these games of consciousness be totally resolved and converged into unity. There is one universal language. MAy it seen, felt, heard, spoken. There is this and only this now which recognizes itself as such.

No more games. Call the world into being as it truly is. Call yourself into one piece, into clarity, into consciousness.

Edited by modmyth
It hasn't been that long since I stopped feeling like I was doing practice rounds.

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Posted (edited)

CONFESSIONALS// Random Song Edition: A while back, I posted some very poorly recorded vocal covers on my cellphone as part of my coming out/ overcoming my public inhibitions project. There was SO MUCH BACKGROUND NOISE. Newsflash, I am an absolute nightmare to harmonize with! I have managed to do a pretty decent recording of Roy Orbison's "Love Hurts" despite this. I tried doing "Scarborough Fair" with the harmonies, and I have beeen failing miserably, haha. Seriously though, harmonizing with myself makes me aware of how subjective my sense of time is. Also, I sing much better when I don't have to worry about noodling around with my fingers and I can focus on my voice a little more.

So I have an ok cheapo microphone now, so at least I don't sound like I'm in a garbage can underwater (recycled metaphor). :D

This is a hymn for myself, for last summer.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wfx485ty3rdix6u/Antony and the Johnsons - Hope There's Someone (final).wav?dl=0

The original song for reference:

For me, since about 19 or 20, this has been like free therapy. I find it's a healthy way to channel my sadness and grief especially. So it's bringing your consciousness into flow, so that those emotions can work themselves out and disintegrate. A purge. Like throwing dust to the wind.

It's been a while since I've either picked up my guitar or sang because I've been so busy with other stuff. I go through phases where I barely touch it.

Edited by modmyth
He's a much better singer than I am, haha.

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