Coming Out: Confessionals

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ENGRISHY: So I found this self-loathing notebook on amazon last week while I was looking for dot grid notebooks, and also again while I was looking to replace my pocketsized watercolour moleskins. I'm going to start doing plein air again while I'm out on my walks; with quarantine that's gonna be the landscape edition. It made me laugh, like isn't this relatable to everyone on some level? I wish it would feel better about itself though. xD



We should all aspire to have this level of confidence. That smile at the end: nailed it!

Also a fun reminder, mainly for myself: No one replaces me. Except me (another version of myself). Seriously, I dare you to find someone who is capable of replacing what I can do. (fun fact: when I'm actually legimtimately not feeling confident, I keep it to myself. Stuff sometimes get sorted out out of time).

"AUTHENTICITY"/ REMORSELESS: Also, I find that I'm feeling really petty and mean today, like Mean Girls mean. So what happens when that's your honest-to-god authentic state, in full consciousness? Like you've thought about it carefully, felt it through, are aware of the possible consequences. Nope, still want to be mean in a completely gratuitous and petty way for my own entertainment, and I feel good about it too. Like... on some level, I'm just not a nice person. Like that's news...

Like for example: What does it feel like being with someone much dumber and less interesting than me?

Not doing that to compensate for anything or for being in a bad mood, and if I was, I would be hashing it out more directly. That's how you show yourself you care about yourself.

Edited by modmyth

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I am not an easy person to take care of, at all. Nor am I a particularly easy person to understand, so I have been told before (including by my own parents). I have come perilously close to knocking myself out for good, and not through a serious of bad decisions, particularly. It's this life I was born into.

Well, thank you for never forgetting that my life and my body and mind is fragile in certain ways even when I seem perfectly fine and perfectly strong. When I tell you that I am fine. Thank you for being concerned and watching out for my wellbeing even when I have brushed it off. You know that being or seeming strong is just what I do. I could be “strong” right until my dying moment, or as I'm dying and getting eviscerated. You have... asked me not to do that. To think and act like that, to treat myself like this (even as you do some of the same). I kept fighting you about it. Why? Because this has been my reality. For many phases in my life, vulnerability is simply an invitation to be preyed upon (what I used to refer to as being a "shit magnet"). And my job... has been to stay alive, keep my eyes open, and take care of myself as best as humanly possible.

Thank you for... not leaving me, and not replacing me, even when I have told you to just do it repeatedly. Like, I am not worth the time and the effort. Even for when I have made your life difficult and miserable. Thank you for doing your best to be there even when I have fought with you about it. Thank you for seeking me out even when I have tried to be as absent as possible. Thank you for getting it, as much as humanly possible.

You've told me many times that when you met me how much it upsets you that I was just... never protected growing up at all. And that there's people like me who were never protected. And that our planet is full of these vulnerable beings that we just don't protect. That sometimes you think about it and it guts you. That one of your roles in life was to protect me.

And every time I said that I was going to change this world, you said, you know. That your purpose was to be at my side, to support me in whatever it was that I needed to do. You said that it was the only thing that ever seemed like it was worth doing, truly. I didn't always take you seriously. I don't take too much of what people say seriously at all, unless there's good reason or evidence for it. You know, actions. People say a lot of shit.

You told me you looked for someone else when I told you to... just move on from me. To forget me. You tried to go through with it, but you couldn't. You said, that your destiny wasn't there; there was just nothing there to do. And if you had to be alone for the rest of your life, you would. I didn't believe you. How dramatic, I thought. I certainly didn't feel entitled to or deserving of this. To be perfectly honest, at many times I thought of your idea of loyalty as super suffocating. I didn't ask for it.

You asked me if I thought it was pathetic that you were that hung up on me; I didn't. I just didn't get it. I would have said, ah, that's a risk in love, also I said that I was going to leave you eventually. Like, I was always honest about it since the beginning, so I felt morally in the clear that I never misled you. I thought this bit about promising to be with someone forever at the time we started dating was garbage. No one is actually there for you unconditionally. People love you because they want something from you, they're in love with the idea of you, they get something from you; they're in love with the way you make them feel, basically. That's just how it works. And I didn't live in a state of blame or preoccupation with this, I just didn't bother people letting people get too close to me (but sometimes I will let people think that they are). Why bother? You'll find someone else to fill that role, to make you feel good about yourself or to give your life some kind of meaning or purpose.

Deep down, I had never completely believed or trusted anyone, while I was still with you. After I left you originally, I did realize that I had to open myself up. I didn't want to be cynical and closed off the way that I was for the rest of my life. I felt that I couldn't do whatever it was that I was supposed to do with my life as I was. I thought I had found what I was waiting for; I believed. So I opened myself up more, as best as I could. Well, apparently you were the one I should have trusted; you didn't bail. Was it a foolish risk; am I foolish risk? Probably. But thank you for betting on me. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you in trying to figure myself out the last 5 years or so. Just muddling through some of this stuff here, figuring out the details of what role I should play in this life, you know, the reason why I am alive at all. It's why I do anything.

Thank you for loving me like a human and for taking care of me in my vulnerability, in a positive sense. For the ways in which I truly needed it. I guess I came around. I have so much more to offer now, more than I ever did. If anyone deserves it, it's you.

You're all that's left from my life before that still feels... real. True.

Edited by modmyth

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*PICK ME UP: So I got my mini skirt and mini dress via the internet finally, plus some black thigh high socks, like this.


i have been trying to think about what should go with the plaid mini skirt, which is a bit like this, not in this exact pattern though.


I immediately thought, CROP TOP; it's the obvious choice, even though I'm not that comfortable wearing them generally. I saw a grey cold shoulder sweater I thought, this would go well with it, and then I realized oh, this is essentially Liv Tyler's look circa Empire Records especially with my tactical boots that I wear all the time, because once I love a pair of shoes/ boots I wear them until they fall apart. (I managed to find a pair of unisex tactical boots in HOBBIT SIZE (like 3W, which is like women's size 5 extra-wide), and apparently something I have gotten from my mom is that I am very proud of myself when I find an especially good deal. So finding a $250 item for $30 on Amazon? KILLING IT. The bonus part of them being actual tactical boots (as opposed to decorative ones) means that they should actually hold up, since I do walk a lot, and everything I touch and use seems to end up well worn, haha. Some lady on Amazon wrote a review and said that they held up on service while she walked across NORTH AFRICA, so I think these boots will definitely survive my urban walking plus some hiking. Anyway, this look is peak mid 90s, if there ever was one:.






(Is that a velvet mini on Renee Zellwegger?)

Yea, I barely remembered what this movie was about (Same thing with Clueless), but apparently I remembered everyone's outfits. I just think fashion was generally better in the 90s, until the last nineties and then mainstream music and fashion turned to shit.

*CONFESSION: I have also thought about shaving my head semi-recently within the last month. My hair has already been really short before, as in very short pixie cut short before once. What happened was that women tended to compliment my hair a lot, and certain guys as well (saying I could "pull it off"). On the other hand, I don't want to stand out in person that much more than I already do by making a statement, thanks. And I also remember seeing this cover when I was very young, and being fascinated by Sinead's lack of hair and overall look here:


Would I be able to pull it off? I don't know. My face is both a bit angular/ structured and oval, so it might work. I'd find out very quickly if I have a weird shaped skull. :D But ...that's not why I wanted to do it though. It's more like, I wouldn't mind getting rid of this literal history attached to my head, fuck it, I don't need it. COVID stopped me because I figured that if I was going to cut off that much hair, someone should get to make a wig out of it (like locks for cancer), and they only take fresh hair that's been cut within a month or two at most. Now, the overwhelmingly impulsive urge has passed, but I'm still thinking about it sometimes.

For reference, my hair is very long, but a bit longer at this point now. (Grainy ass webcam pic for reference:):


There's been another thing that I have had my eye on for a while, 90s style. A velvet dress. Maybe not this style below. A few months ago, I realized that velvet no longer reminded me of either drapes or being 6 and forced to wear a dress with leotards.


Maybe not this style, exactly. Something like that might look ridiculous with my chest, but I'm pretty conservative when it comes to cleavage. Maybe it's an Asian thing (via the mainland, there is that influence there), I don't know. You can show your legs all the way up to your ass in a mini, but showing a lot of boobs and cleavage? Kind of trashy.

When you have small boobs, things might look kind of cute and flirty on you might look like porn city on someone with a larger chest. Also, I used to work with kids, and people get weird about you wearing normal clothes, so I have mastered the art of minimizing my chest without physically binding myself or wearing sports bras, because that's bad for your body. (That cuts off circulation to your chest, and good breast health depends on lymph flow, plus in general, always wearing a bra isn't great for your connective tissues.) It hasn't been an easy thing to figure out. No one helps you out with this stuff, and I finished growing in my late teens/ early twenties. One thing that you learn very quickly is that most baggy clothes really do not help, especially sweaters. So you want to find something that is not too tight and not too loose, and not in a style that emphasizes it (for example, turtlenecks really don't help).


Edited by modmyth
I hope all of those calisthenics have been paying off. I wouldn't be surprised if you added up all of the squats, lunges, and hip thrust type exercises that I do with the industrial strength band and it's in the high hundreds. I better look better, dammit

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THANK YOU, TO J again// INCOMPATIBLE THINGS: This is just an assortment of thoughts that I am having instead of sleeping.

*A PRAYER: To reset this world. To reset all these connections I have, past in present, if not to destroy them completely and properly to start over. Now, there is no difference between personal scripting and universal scripting (on a personal scripting). It's all one and the same thing.

*J: Even an angel needs an angel. You ended up being mine. Again, I haven't always been appreciative. So thank you again.

*Exaltation and Idealization: when I've asked you why you haven't idealized me in the past, you have said that it's because if I wanted that, probably I would have found that it someone else, and that your instinct told me that I didn't want to be loved like that. I wasn't sure about that at the time you said that, years ago. I felt like I needed someone to recognize in me what I was capable of doing with myself, my true potential, and believe in me in that way. That has never been our relationship. You told me that you believed in me, and I didn't believe in you. What does that mean? I didn't believe in me in a lot ways, but I was always absolutely certain that I was going to “do something”.

*Cutting Energetic Cords: it's hard not to feel a deep sort of existential loneliness, and this is what I need to face directly. That belief that there is someone who just gets you internally, who can and will be there for you matter what. The thing is that I want a person (or theoretically, people), not “god”. In some way, I end up feeling much more lonely when I feel communion with 'god', nature, and my physical surroundings, and spirit, but not with people, especially while living among people. It's the worst. But that desire... just no. This is such a dangerous predicament to have fallen into. What makes this possible anyway? There is a certain sort of clarity of mind (like literally, psyche has cleared house) and expectations that makes this possible in waking consciousness, otherwise this type of communication tends to be confined to dreams mostly, I think. Even a delusional belief in it makes me feel less lonely. But it's also a disaster.

*without this prerequisite openness, you need to be willing to give up EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything. Not what you think of everything is from where you're probably standing, but actually everything, and there always tends to be at least a little bit more. Your life and identity as you know it, truly. What's it worth?

*Cynicism: If you idealize me and you're not there for me when I need you, why bother? == I exist to fulfill a certain role in your psyche in your life = got it. Lots of people want that and need that, someone or something to fill that role. This tends to require a certain distance and actual estrangement for a reason.

*Estrangement: I am thinking of the times, in general, that it's been best for people to deal with my spirit and the idea of me... and not the reality of me, my actual life and pain. Yea, you're thinking about what I can do for you. Fine. Not that this necessarily has worked out for people's direct benefit either at times, exactly either. I'm not an idiot and I don't have my blinders on anymore, there's a lot I figured out. Just deal with my spirit if you're so inclined. You think you want to know me; you probably actually don't. And what's more, I don't necessarily want to know you either.

*REMOTE WORK: Likewise, mostly I've been prepared to deal with my best to help people and let them cash out and live their lives thing. I exist to serve my purpose. Except when I haven't been ready at all. Some things should have been left alone entirely, probably. I move on ASAP or I just haven't shown up for a reason.

*REALITI: The burden of being idealized is not something you can live with for a long time, at close quarters, and anyways, it doesn't usually reconcile well with reality. It's unsustainable, mostly. People have trouble reconcile what's ideal with the reality of anything.

*I have had this notion for a long time, worship is actually primarily for the person who is doing the worship's benefit, not whoever is being worshipped. People worship or idealize so they can become or incorporate what's ideal, ideal traits and desired states of being, into themselves, so they can experience what that's like, whether they're conscious of it or not. Yea, you can cash out on being worshipped hardcore in terms of getting material things, getting attention and appreciation. What is this actually worth though if you need to be seen and empathized with properly? You can quite literally die in plain sight.

In this lifetime, I have died in plain sight. Last summer, I died in plain sight. It's better to die in absolute solitude. To J: You had to watch this happen. I am sorry. There is a bit of this sentiment in me still, inevitably, everyone else connected to me or aware of me during this time period can go to hell.

*A PET PEEVE: anyone who complimented me for my weight loss during this time period. Yea, it's called the I'M LOSING MY SHIT diet, where I'm not eating because I can't keep food down so I'm living off liquids, can't sleep properly, and I'm having full blown visions 24/7, you know the kind that would properly knock you the fuck out and leave you incapable of functioning normally. Except for some reason I myself can manage to go to work, shower, and do a couple other nonessential things. What the fuck people? Well-intentioned or not, keep those kind of comments to yourself. Yea, that's all I felt good for during this time period. Also, during that time period, it was actually kind of reassuring to me, well even if I feel like I have absolutely no other value right now, at least I still look pretty good. Like I look surprisingly unhaggard. At least I am good at not being an eyesore. (And that means clearly I'm ok! Looks good = I'm ok inside, just reinforcing a lifetime worth of this kind of thing.) For fuck's sake. Don't reinforce that kind of thinking in me.

*This feels so frustratingly incomplete somehow.

Edited by modmyth

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REMINDERS TO MYSELF, RIGHT NOW: because I do need to keep reminding myself to do these things, and to not get distracted by perpetuating certain habits.

*PACT: to continue to open myself up universally, and to stay open in intention, for when my thinking gets very closed off and seemingly pointlessly self-indulgent. Resentful? Open up. Feeling sorry for myself? Open up. Submerge my mind in air and ether. Add something back to the collective consciousness still, as I had started this practice in the last month or so (it seems the landscape of the collective consciousness is shifting once again).

*In any shape or form, when I get lonely being in my head, to get out of it, as in to stop boxing myself in. To interact with my physical surroundings, to let psychic and psychoemotional reality to collapse on itself. To interact with nature, with people, with animals wholly and presently. Anyway, people are as people do.

*Don't get overly obsessed with productivity and this whole business of WHAT DO I NEED TO DO WITH MY LIFE (that sorts itself out in the everpresent, with the right intention and focus), particularly as a means to distract myself from feeling and processing, as a habitual way to disconnect from myself and my surroundings. To remain in a state of openness as I'm going about doing things; sometimes this requires conscious effort. But not to be too forceful about it.

*To still give myself the space to vent as intensely as I need to in a completely unrestrained way, which I mostly choose to do once in a while in private now. Also, to pay attention to how I'm feeling so that venting doesn't become chronic or habitual, and so I don't do damage to myself by expressing it. To still give myself the space to hate, to feel rage, to feel sad, if I need it, but to only write about it publically if it serves a specific purpose, which is not to hide, but to ask myself... does this now serve in the higher purpose of things? Is adding this here making things better somehow for myself and also for others? Is it actually allowing people to understand or know me better, and how much does this matter anymore anyway, to be known and felt in this way now?

*reminder: cutting cords can hurt. Or at the least, prepare for this. More deeply you internalize someone and allow them into you, the more you reap what you sow here. To give myself the space and time to deal with this, and to not waste time and energy trying to forcefully negotiate with emotional reality in this way. To be mindful of the way desire and expectation is making me want to perpetually rush through this to the point that I (not that I can manage this properly anymore). To be more compassionate to myself in my sense of loss here.

*To take care of myself and to let myself be taken care of. And to take care of J, and also to remind him to take care of himself. To see him as he is and to be fully present with him. To put energy into him, to be as wholly present with him as possible from moment to moment, to treat him like he matters in small everyday details and gestures. To not live in a house of expectations, projections, fantasies, and delusions, and resentments. To not be... here but not here, and here but somewhere else.

*To be psychically and psychoemotionally connected, but in a way that is connected with being psychoemotionally present in reality as is.

Edited by modmyth

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Just now, modmyth said:

I am thinking of the times, in general, that it's been best for people to deal with my spirit and the idea of me... and not the reality of me, my actual life and pain. Yea, you're thinking about what I can do for you. Fine. Not that this necessarily has worked out for people's direct benefit either at times, exactly either. I'm not an idiot and I don't have my blinders on anymore, there's a lot I figured out. Just deal with my spirit if you're so inclined. You think you want to know me; you probably actually don't. And what's more, I don't necessarily want to know you either.

Just now, modmyth said:

I am thinking of the times, in general, that it's been best for people to deal with my spirit and the idea of me

Sorry this is so random, but somehow this got my attention so i want to add a few cents. Its so ironic and funny how we don't acctually feel free to express how we really feel in relationships and just about anything will trigger me for example and leave me thinking that other person is conspired aginst me. I am acctually trying to accept that conflict is soo inevitable and i am wasting time and energy avoiding it and worrying about it aterwards. One thing can be controlled is the subconscious response but that takes some time to do. Things like haters, bullies and criticism are kinda inescapable, so i feel that acceptance is the only option. I know some really damaged people in terms of emotional response and they make so much drama if you express what you really think and are blunt about things, the just can't take it. If somebody said to me "I am only doing this for you or with you because this on this, or because i want this from you, i would be so much satisfied rather than not knowing it and still experiencing the same action from that person". I am acctually grateful is somebody says that they don't like me or hate me from this reason, rather than ignoring, talking around corners with different people, these things i don't respond to, even if they are happening where i can hear them. 

Being blunt is so liberating for yourself and you will notice how much conflict it will create, not because you are wrong, and ofc you will have more bullies. But the freedom i feel when i start expressing me is soo immense. I feel like i can make my own decisions. And i am teaching the people around me that you are foolish if you seek my validation, because i may not deliver it, even if i don't feel like it. Still somewhere i am still trying to deeply accept that people are free to do what the hell they want and therefore they can do all kinds of things to you, so you shouldn't bother, if you care for your life and keep attemptiong to actualize your life.

The whole phenomenon of bullies for example is that they are so intimidated by you that they have to take action, They are taking action only because of powerlessness. It takes strength to be integrated, respond maturely and not because of one's biases. Still that doesn't mean you have to respond and i guess there is nothing wrong in ignoring people, altho its a bit triggering, but i am accepting that. I feel maybe ignoring in a sense that you have to attend your life or some intense activity and you have no wish to engange in something, or for some other reason like fear, rather than ignoring for some messed up pleasure.

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@Applegarden  Yea, conflict definitely is inevitable. Do you feel like expressing yourself in that way comes naturally to you, or do you find it really challenging? Myself, I don't feel like I'm naturally conflicted averse, but actually, I don't feel like I necessarily seek conflict just for its own sake either; I can go either way. Conflict often means growth though.

I have this thing where if I cause people pain due to entanglement, I feel responsible for it in some way. So IMO it's better to be hurtful and upfront, or just to ignore people and cut them out (in the case that they just don't get the message), then to cause pain due to entanglement. Yea, it's pushing people away, but I have felt like I have been doing people a favour by not having to deal with my shit, and in most cases 1) it's either not actually desired anyway 2) I feel people are out of their element, and yea, I am making that decision for people, and also I could have been wrong, but just going on instinct here. Is it a great strategy to try to circumvent suffering by avoiding it, no. But it really is senseless sometimes. Conflict shouldn't be avoided, but it should also be worth it. Like, a "pick your battles" mindset. If you have avoidant tendencies because you're concerned about how you're going to appear, because you're afraid of something or other, then it can be a great practice to run against that tendency directly and aggressively. Push back consciously.

But yea, it's always good to know where you actually truly stand with people, and there is something to be said about someone being blunt or even an asshole out in the open right where you and everyone else can see it.  Being closed off and having ulterior motives, and being dishonest with yourself is the basis of a lot of illness in this world. Also, I have found that the more you cultivate honesty with yourself, the more you can handle it with other people directly, even if it's relatively reactive and unconscious, and also the more you can be blunt without it coming out in an assholish way (at least unintentionally, haha). It's a great thing.

Prioritizing politeness and image over honesty is a disease, but I think this is especially the case if you naturally tend to be empathetic and mindful of other people.

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12 hours ago, modmyth said:

@Applegarden  Yea, conflict definitely is inevitable. Do you feel like expressing yourself in that way comes naturally to you, or do you find it really challenging?

Its not easy to explain, however i tend to be more assertive and ferocious in the workplace or when dealing with financial aspects or saying something what i really mean when i feel like i need to say somethinf and they are ready to hear. For the most part i just listen to whatever they have to say and just respond but do bot participate too much. I usually cheese away from relationahips that do not serve me. Acctually on social media and in my friend cycle i was almost always the one who initiated the conversation or chat. So i can't say i have friends at all. Its trough my effort i go reaching toward them. The whole relationship is based on this dynamic. It really shook me when i realized that but now, since i spend alooot of time by myself, i just don't care, i accept people as they are and usually respond passively or if they are something like a bully, i ignore.

I am really passive outwardly, if you met me in person, you would not know much about me? For example, many people in my university used to make comments that i avoided social gatherings and events and they couldn't figure why, because i tried to change the topic when some of them asked about it. And when they asked how am i, i said good, as always and thats prettt much it. One thing i like to do with people i feel is good for them, if i see small talk i try to find oppurtunities to sielence and disengage the from conversation, and have that ankward sielence, but its not ankward at all, for me i am happy that i can see you here, there is no reason to speak.

How i acctually respond to people and what do i think when i respond. This is a huge and very interesting topic tho i may share later.

At the end of the day, the behaviour is always learned and complicated to a case by case basis. Is it natural? I don't know, it feels very comfortable for me usually in how i respond. Well because of the self helf work i have done, life feels natural by itself in various aspects. Still i have too much to hide i feel, this is why i spend so much time alone i guess.

Edited by Applegarden

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*MIXED RACE/ HAPA POLITICS: So this has been on my mind lately: now that we have hapa guys playing the role of the hot-but-likely-douchey-jock, like Charles Melton (Riverdale) and Darren Barnett (Never Have I Ever), can we start to agree that the role of Asian men (including hapas, since we tend to get grouped together) is starting to change significantly in the media here in North America? IMO Darren Barnett is absolutely white-passing (although I could tell immediately that he was Eurasian), but Charles Melton looks obviously mixed to me. Darren Barnett recently played a mixed-race character with an obviously mixed-race name, (Paxton Hall-Yoshida), and apparently, they adjusted the script to fit his actual ethnicity and specifically the fact that he passes as being white. IMO it did a good job at touching on a certain spectrum of the 'Eurasian experience' here in North America. Usually, as white-passing Eurasians, we just pass and then no one comments about it both in film and in real life, then people act surprised when we have a very strong Asian-American upbringing (this is especially the case if one of our parents are immigrants or if we have extended family from the mainland nearby), speak that Asian language, or conform to both certain stereotypes and specific standards usually attributed to Asian Americans. Originally Barnet's character was just written as a white guy, but they heard him speaking Japanese on set. Anyway, this may have been the first time ever that such an adjustment was made. Duly noted.

For reference, Charles Melton:


Darren Barnett:


Also, continuing the time-honoured tv/ film tradition of a late twenties actor playing a highschooler. I dunno. He looks his age to me, not that this is a bad thing. Also admittedly, I am really terrible at pegging people's ages to a number. Please don't ask me to do it.

Example: Kristin Kreuk (Chinese-Dutch) was in a show called Smallville; growing up I was aware of the show but did not watch it, however, it was obvious to me that she is Eurasian. IMO she was definitely white-passing, and no deal was made about her ethnicity or her being Asian-Canadian whatsoever.


Note: when I'm talking about white-passing or not, I'm specifically referring to those of us who are 50/50 Asian/ Caucasian mixes.

BRUCE LEE: Chinese American actor and Asian American icon Bruce Lee had German ancestry, I think it was his maternal grandfather who was German. I have had arguments with my mom about this. Like... just look it up on the internet, or read a biography about him. Sigh.

FUN FACT: A forgotten or unknown detail is that one of the first sex symbols of America was a Japanese actor named Sessue Hayakawa (pre-1920s "Yellow Peril"). So apparently he was REALLY popular with white women, haha.


(Also known as Colonel Saito in “The Bridge on the River Kwai" years later.) For general info:

Years later, there was "The World of Suzie Wong" (1960) with Nancy Kwan a Eurasian actress playing the role of a full-blooded Chinese woman.


EURASIAN: As in, from the mainland. So I have heard that Dilraba Dilmura is currently one of the most popular actresses in China at the moment, probably in the top 3. She's Uighur, which is a bit complicated geopolitically; on one hand, many Uighurs are being contained aggressively via the Chinese government, the government has specific questionable ways of treating their minorities and any other fringe groups, the more they diverge from homogeneity. The Uighurs are 1) Muslim 2) very not ethnically or culturally Han (many of China's 50ish official minorities are ethically Han, which is what most Chinese people are, but are not necessarily culturally Han. This is where it gets a bit weird: Han is defined as both an ethnicity and a cultural group. For example, the Hakka are ethnically Han, but culturally their own group. A Chinese anthropologist or historian would be able to explain this a lot better... I hope.  More on my rather limited knowledge on this subject which fascinates me later? ). 3) On top of the other two features, they have been living in places in certain areas, like the province of Xinjiang (which is a huge province in Northwestern China), for possibly longer than the Han have been there, and many still have a desire to be their own nation-state. This isn't like Quebec here in Canada; the Chinese government clamps down aggressively on dissenters, as foreigners tend to be aware (is anyone old enough to remember "Free Tibet"?). On top of that, the Chinese government is also extremely aggressive about cultural assimilation; I have read that there are over one million people in Xinjiang province alone who are in detainment or "reeducation camps" .......... There are only about 11 million Uighurs in Xinjiang.  4) Apparently, the Uighurs export many  models and actors, as being oppressed as a cultural group doesn't mean that you can't work in entertainment if you're considered good looking, not that they are probably in much a position to say or do anything about it.


In general, I'm really fascinated with whatever's going on there with that sort of cultural dynamic.

***Cultural "Reeducation" and Human Rights: Canada has had its own issues with the aboriginal peoples, with the last residential schools closing down sometime in the 80s; it's a mess really. We learning about it in history in school here, but not very much. Generally speaking, they started out in the 1800s, with the explicit intent of "killing the Indian in the child", isolating children so that they would lose their cultural habits and language, for the purpose of assimilating into mainstream Canadian society. These were not nice places. Apparently many aboriginal people here have at least a handful of relatives who were educated in these residential schools, and the effects of this reeducation have been disastrous personally and within their communities. Source: my brother married a Cree woman.

Edited by modmyth
Childhood Crush: Toshiro Mifune doing anything.

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@Applegarden Do you identify as an introvert?

I myself feel like I could go either way; I am perfectly capable of spending a lot of time alone but also I'm naturally very sociable and talk a lot (apparently the technical term for that is "ambivert"). It's just that life has pushed me heavily in the direction of the former rather than the latter. I'm capable of going long periods of time without talking to very few people a minimal amount, and now the habit has set in at this point. (Isolation is usually when things get very interesting in my brain.) I've broken the habit somewhat, but I also find myself asking, "why?" if there's no reason to talk. Just talking for its own sake? Mostly, no.



Edited by modmyth

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I used to have a hate relationship with this word. Mostly, I refused to have anything to do with the idea of it at all, and would have vehemently rejected that I was a childhood prodigy especially. IMO I am too well-rounded (aka. all over the place), and prodigies are generally only considered as such in certain fields of specific focus (e.g. music, mathematics) and a lot of their conscious focus and feverish effort goes into building this one inherent aptitude or skill.  Also, I dissociated from a lot of my childhood experiences related to this almost completely until I was in my early 20s, where I started this process of recalling and reclaiming, as I sensed intuitively that I would NEVER be able to do my life's work without my mind working properly. Whatever exactly was my life's work, everything that it would entail.

I have written about my experiences a bit about it in here, and when I started,  I was still carrying a lot of self-consciousness about it (You were too good at too many things with very little difficulty? Cry me a fucking river. Or when talking about my childhood experiences, sometimes I have gotten the "everyone is good at something in their own way". Your type of classical intelligence or creativity is not inherently better than having emotional intelligence or some other form of intelligence. Ok. first of all: 1) I was always hyperempathetic and everything that is listed as a sort of intelligence, I have never lacked for any of it. 2) I... if there is a space for that debate, it's not while I'm telling you about the traumatic downsides of having this sort of experience, ok?)

Something like this:



IMO, at present (circa about 10+ years, I consider the idea of genius as we understood it to be a very modernist invention, or at the very least, it died at the end of the modernist era. As in, we don't have space for the "ego" of the “genius” to run around fully and take up space in mainstream culture anymore. It just doesn't exist. We are not living in a culture of intellectual and creative excellence and of pioneering spirit, and haven't been for quite a while. Those who conform and adjust themselves well enough to the factory farming approach to developing intelligence and skill are often not it.... and the ability to adjust well to this has very little to do with the reality of what would be characterized as extreme childhood giftedness. (Yes there is a gradient of "giftedness", and it gives me a headache.) Often it doesn't work out this way; there is the tendency for those at the extreme end to be too rebellious and independent to stay on the rails for very long for a handful of different reasons, but this is what makes us such good natural autodidactics. And for the record, both J (who had been formally IQ tested when he was about 7 or 8) and myself, both agree that a lot of these metrics are mostly useless (e.g. IQ), and functions as a sort of hazy guidepost. I simply mentioned it in a previous post because it was the reality of his experience. (IMO the most useful use of it was identifying the native skill of someone who has a sort of raw native intelligence which mostly transcends upbring and culture. Like J came from a working-class background that did not value education at all particularly, so he didn't run through that system of early childhood enrichment, tutors, educational training, etc. at all.)

Like when I was very young, this idea of mentorship or support was alien to me. I thought prodigies or child geniuses shot out of the womb capable of doing things perfectly, haha. So naturally, I was exempt from this because I definitely did a lot of things less than perfectly and was hyperaware of this, but otherwise, I went around exploring doing the stuff that interested me without considering what it meant in an absolute sense. However, I was very much hyperaware since the age of 7 about how weird I was in relation to people my age, that I was having thought processes, curiosities, and obsessions that other most other adults weren't having either. And I grew up in a family with intellectual leanings too. Like, it was pretty obvious.

When I was by myself, I lived in my own world, I got frustrated very easily or at times thought I was being stupid every I made a serious mistake or something eluded me (as opposed to a careless mistake). I developed painting and art skills as an adult specifically not only because I wanted to, but because my brother was much more skilled than I was at this growing up and I was jealous. I am very entitled when it comes to "skills" of these sorts, and someone telling me that I can't do something or they doubt my ability to do it is a greater invitation to go do that thing. At the same time, I have felt profound guilt or fear at this idea that I am taking away someone's "thing", encroaching on their domain, and just generally making someone feel useless by being too good at this or that, my whole goddamned life. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) as an adult, it's almost impossible these days to be a true master in multiple fields; in order for that to change, there needs to be a profound change in the way that we process, including the most natively adept of us. (Part of my own work in METACOG: is related directly to breaking that barrier.)

The energy of a prodigy is pure obsession and immersion in whatever you do. You have knowledge for knowledge sake, or creation for creation's sake, questions for questions' sake, and you just let it devour you completely like a flame and let it possess you. Or like a sponge, you absorb all information on contact. (Maybe a hurricane is a better metaphor?)

Also, most prodigies have a massive amount of mentorship or support, either from a parent or guardian figure, as well as an older person who has mastered a certain skillset. I... never had that, other than my father. And everything I learned from him at a young age, I learned simply from listening to him talk but I almost never asked questions. They didn't feel welcome. Mostly, I generated my own questions, my own fields of inquiry, and just walked and walked and walked on my own.

If I had been left alone and perhaps had a little guidance and mentorship, and wasn't stunted by the massive amount of energy it took pretending to be learning what I was already learning, I should have been able to master a lot of intellectual domains at a college level before I went through puberty, probably around the age of 12 or 13. There is no good reason for me not to have. Instead, I spent elementary school slamming on the brakes and putting in a lot of effort into showing the right amount of smarts (which itself was nothing to me), but this involved essentially convincing myself perpetually that things were more difficult than they were, trying to slow my brain and processing down, learning how to process material a completely different way based on how I observed people around me processing. That's spending 6-7 hours a day during my formative years mastering appearing not too precocious and then spending my free time doing what came to me naturally. This issue alone did a massive amount of psychoemotional damage and splitting at the level of self-image and also to my ability to do some of the things I do best. It was exhausting; deep down I felt like there was something wrong with me or defective with me constantly for simply existing and being as I was, and absolutely everything was a performance, except when I was by myself.

In retrospect, as an adult, both of my parents have said something to this effect: we didn't know what do with you, and we were afraid. My parents sat down with me at the age of 10 or so and said, something to the effect like, we thought about having you skip grades, but we don't want you to be socially stunted by doing appropriately advanced material during school hours. So we're just going to leave it alone and leave you to it, and also find some things to challenge you. Was it enough, no, absolutely not. Would skipping a few grades been enough, no, I don't think so.

A couple years ago, my dad was unusually vulnerable and open with me because he had gotten in a car crash that shattered both his knee and fractured his shoulder, and so he suddenly became forcibly aware of his mortality. He said a lot of things to me that he would not otherwise have said, I imagine. He told me something to this effect: there is something about the way that my mind works that is terrifying in how capable it is. (I believe I was talking about my prodigiousness in "spiritual" skills.) On another occasion around this time period, he said that I was perfect, or at least that is close to perfect as humanly possible (he meant both in the character sense as well as the intellectual sense). And I was like... oh really? What does one even say in response to that? Never had I heard anything like that before. I said that there was a lot he missed, both him and my mom, because I was deliberately hiding a lot of what I was thinking not just because I knew from a very young age on a deep and intuitive level that I was a burden, that they really had no idea what to do with me, so I worked very very hard at not being inconvenient for existing aside from a few annoying tics. They hid their fear well though; they didn't want me to see it. They must have seen how many books I went through though, and some of what I had written.

My mom said a few years ago when I brought up this issue, I wish you were more normal so you didn't have to deal with... this burden of being you, and having your mind.

Yes, my own parents were frightened of me. Not a great feeling.

I am... the designated family genius. Literally. As an adult, they said, that I can do anything and make anything, but I definitely did not feel like I had their support growing up. They had almost very few to no words of praise for me and were very critical (likewise, I was very very sensitive to criticism and failing in general at anything), and I was a pleaser, and so I consistently thought there was something wrong with what I was doing and my person. (And this is not the worst of my problems with them, at all).

Anyway, writing this all may be a sort of clearing house for what I need to do next with my life. No one can help me with it directly, which is no issue..

Edited by modmyth
Too old too be prodigious = thank god. Glad to be free of that, not that I ever made the most of what I was capable of.

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Just now, modmyth said:

@Applegarden Do you identify as an introvert?

Generally speaking yes, but because of alot of repression and emotional abuse. I used to be very attention defficient, but thanks to the depth of music and spirituality i really became modest and kinda self-centered (that i don't even want to go and participate in social activity, i rather go and explore or create something). I would also see how i am an ambivert because i really enjoy talking, but usually with me its about sharing life problems and having heart to heart talks, this usually happens with me, people come and talk about their problems just to feel better. Sometimes it's people i barely know. Or if its about my interests like music, i can really talk endlessly about it. but i haven't met such a person and some musicians have too big egos so i don't want to interfere with their own stuff, however there are some musicians i usually talk to and do consider friends and future collaborators, however our relationships stems from me constantly reaching out to them. Its just how it is. Despite that, i got one really meaningful connection. And when people start talking about spirituality and meditation i just disengage, because it just breaks my heart talking about it, its too intimate to share and these non-dual arguing and judging starts... yikes. But speaking about spirituality. I genuinely enjoyed answering your questions, you know usually when i see somebody doing something where they are really focused, or really explain me stuff that they are passionate or thinking about your questions i really feel positive vibes in a sense that there is an energy coming towards me at the back of my head. Feels like i am recieving something good or almost like learning from downloading what people are intensly doing and how they are solving something or their ideas without even saying or smth. I remember this from far back in my childhood. Now its just gotten more intense. So at least i can guess you are genuinely interested in my answer, or keeping my attention, but i could be wrong, it's just a guess, that being said i genuinely enjoy this interaction, as i don't get many of these. I would like to give you a compliment of having so much more toughts out on paper, you might be pretty organized in your strategies of approaching life!

Just now, modmyth said:

if there's no reason to talk. Just talking for its own sake? Mostly, no.

I would like to approch from stage yellow perspective. Maybe you can try this as experiment, as this has benefited me. Now i approach relationships differently, like a study of what patterns people have and how do they think and how they act and what their mindset is e.c.t. what are they really trying to say when they are speaking e.c.t.

1. Intensly listening to what they have to say - even if they are shouting at you or projecting their corrouption - like it leaves no space for unconscious reaction and leaves so much less of that, if that happens. And you underestand, what their criticism is, if it is genuine, why do they do say what they say and what is the reason for their behaviour - like loneliness, laziness, projecting of guilt to other people e.c.t.

2. You really get to know yourself also, your agitations and responses, and yu get to explore if and how you can be in completion to speaking with people that seemed to be agitating or boring and get to test your limits and the complexity of your cognition.

3. You figure how to respond eventually and even know how to respond internally after a conflict or an impression, that you don't seek for more attention if you are decided to or don't choose to think about a particular person after the engagement.

4. You become more sielent because you are intently listening to you and others.

5. Maybe you can say what makes the difference so people around you become more happy and want to be around you when you are there. Suppose an old person comes and starts telling stories and ask about what they youth is doing, suppose your boss comes and struggles to speak with you because of the job relationship, for example your admirer comes and starts expressing himself, and you figure how to say no the right way or your critic comes and you know exactly how to respond to make minimum tension and maybe make him underestand his stupidity or a child comes and constantly demands your attention for certain amount of time or doesn't listen to you and you figure how to approach it, or a suicidal person comes and you know exactly what to do to make them not do it e.c.t. I think its a great journey to become more established in yourself.

I am currently working on relationships with the opposite sex. I don't remember i have complimented females on their looks or their efforts to look good around me or somebody, or telling them that i like their voice or whatever. Even flirting i have never done. That doesn't mean i want something, but i felt to represed and distracted, so i never was playful with them, even if they attack - like you are weird comments and so on, or you should wash your hair or smth xD, there is always a way to disengage from that and take a joke, you know i just don't give a fk, i can wash it, if you plan to touch me, otherwise why would i bother (maybe that was not the best example, but i clearly don't see a reason why i would be ashamed to say that since it doesn't really mean anything, and i would keep going foward in life after a good laugh). So i am trying to rewire that and have that natural charisma where i can deflect criticism and not take it serious and say what i mean. 

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@Applegarden Hey, there's something to be said about focusing on quality over quantity when it comes to connections. It's good to have someone like that to discuss your interests endlessly with too. I also mostly avoid these discussions about meditation and spirituality and such for the most part, and prefer to talk about "worldly stuff" with other people. Even here in my own journals (like METACOG:) I talk about stuff there that I would mostly only write about to myself, if I bothered to write it down at all, and so I feel like I'm having a conversation with myself there especially. If someone else can make sense or get value from it, great.

I see the value in what you describe and making it a practice of sorts. Or an experiment. Other people are our mirrors. Generally speaking, I think it's best to approach communicating with other people as vibing with them in a way, that's the sort of energy or intention you project, and opening up your energy field (which is what happens automatically when you open up psychoemoetionally) and then anything you say (in the intellectual sense or at the level of the ideas or the mind) is felt much more deeply and directly.

You take listening seriously; that's a great quality. I hope you don't lose that quality even if people often don't return the favour. :) Listening is an act of opening up too, but it's always best when you're both open. Otherwise, there's not much real communication.

Just speaking here as a person who is a natural communicator and also an empath; even though I've spent good portions of my life in isolation. I find myself lacking the intrinsic motivation or desire at a base level to truly connect with people because when I do, I invest a lot of energy in it and people, or else I am perpetually keeping them at distance in one way or another... It's just the way I am, but I've just started giving myself the push anyway.

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ASIA CARRERA// EURASIAN ISSUES: So, she was one of the most famous pornstars in North America in the mid-90s. This all ends up being more of a tribute to her grief than anything else. I've always been more interested in her in a person and her story than in watching any of her material.

Her shelf of books here is legit (around the 3:45 minute mark).

1:58: Holy shit woman, you own a lot of white t-shirts that look exactly the same.

We have some things in common:
*Eurasian cultural background (I had a made a note somewhere much earlier in this journal that a disproportionate number of Asian porn stars here in NA are actually Eurasian/ mixed race, but they tend to be more Asian looking mixes.)
*prodigiousness ( see a couple of posts before for one of my posts about myself in that way). Asia Carerra played piano at Carnegie Hall when she was 13 or 14, and just generally has an interest in gaming and nerdy shit (I didn't know that she played unreal Tournament and did modding though).
*a strict, emotionally neglectful and cold upbringing (hers was probably stricter). I think I read that her upbringing was physically abusive, as in both of her parents would sometimes beat her if she didn't get perfect grades and scores, and also for just generally existing. My upbringing was not physically abusive, which might be one of the few things I had going for me TBH; there were... a host of other problems.
*We both ran away from an extremely unhappy and oppressive home situation (she ran away from home when she was 17), I ran away at home 14, and I basically lived under house arrest for the next 3 years straight.
*the propensity for issues with impulse control in conjunction to being miserable... not a great combo when it comes to self-preservation (however, I have spent my whole lifetime reining in both my natural tendencies and reactions towards trauma in an equally extreme way.. apparently still leading to a host of questionable behaviour anyway.  However, I have come down extremely hard on both 1) promiscuous tendencies 2) addictive tendencies in general when it comes to substance. I just never let myself start with both things, despite the way that I write and I think.)
*the unwillingness to date or be a partner with anyone who reminds her of her dad, plus a general estrangement from our parents. (For myself, I would also add anyone who reminds me too much of my brother, which automatically rules of a bunch of hapa guys, haha.)
*wanting a new name that represents something else, something that you actually picked for yourself, so you can not be the person you were molded into being against your will by your parents and your environment.

And some differences:
*for example: I wouldn't describe myself as codependent or leaning towards codependency particularly, despite my history. In my teens especially, I have had this tendency to bond and be totally open for really short periods of time, a couple months, maybe 1-2 years at most, and then to lose interest completely and detach. This is perhaps just a more extreme version of what's typically described as a normal relationship cycle. I have this tendency to ghost and not feel bad about it all either (nobody owes you anything, especially if you tell them about what you are like and that you have no intention on staying), but my habits have changed significantly in the past 10 years... because I've wanted to change.
Although honestly, there is probably a great deal of truth to this notion though that this kind of expression of love is neither sustainable nor is it ultimately wanted... as in, in person, over a longer duration of time, when dealing with the reality of everyday living. This is just what I've tended to both observe and be predisposed to believe about people. There is a kind of inherent, deep cynicism in it, yea.
She seems to have this tendency to completely latch on to her marriage partners and bought into the happy family dream...  I never have been able to fully, for a few reasons. (1) I have ridiculously high standards, as one of my deepest fears has been bringing people into this world and being responsible for completely fucking up their lives. 2) I went through the motions of exploring this desire for children, suppressed as it was, a few years ago though in a very realistic way in psychic space. Think of going through an extremely realistic simulation. I wanted to put my issues to rest if possible, even if I never ended up having a family (although I thought at the time it might have been possible still), because I don't want to carry around that kind of baggage. I anticipate it's never going to happen. Life priorities.)
*I gave up on getting my parents, especially my dad, to give me anything which resembled love and approval in my early teens. But I did not seek disapproval though as a form of attention as a cry for help particularly. I was always very careful to disguise my self harming and self-loathing tendencies, and you would have had no way of knowing unless you were close to me. My thing has always been if I ever wanted to knock myself out, I don't want anyone to bear the burden of it, and I don't want them to miss or remember me either (this has been the driving motivation behind a lot of behaviour, as in leave this place cleanly, don't be a burden because I hate being a burden, etc.)
*"SELF CONTROL": I have been pretty good at suppressing self-loathing thoughts and tendencies despite how my life has gone overall, which is why I have to work against my own grain. There is the tendency to walk in the opposite direction, until I inevitably might crash in a much more devasting way compared to just facing the tendency to feel badly in the present moment.

DETACHMENT: Deep down, probably I'm just as incapable of handling the loss of support coming from someone who evidence and words suggest that person will be there for you totally and unconditionally or at least intends to be, and then they leave or are simply absent when you really need them. I'm not sure I can say that it's better or worse when you have such a hard time believing in people, so to get to the point of opening up to that degree is an extreme act. I'm not sure it's any worse or better than codependent dependencies from the outset, or if it's even possible to qualify either way. Maybe we're all the same in that way, I don't know.

I typed up a few of Asia's diary entries, as it was written in a biographical excerpt written by Gerrie Lim (a writer/ journalist and Singaporean Native) who did some writing about Asian American pornstars that were famous around the mid-90s and early 00s. So I guess the first entry would have been written in her late teens when she was 18-19 before she had gotten into porn, and the second one was written a couple of months before she did a few of her most famous porn videos. (Generally miserable stuff incoming:)

February 21, 1991:

Man, what a fucked up childhood. Fucked me up. The household did it. Pressure, stress, how much could I be expected to take? I was an alcoholic, I remembered today, and a druggie. I smoked. I was suicidal an awful fucking lot. Without my friends I would have been dead long ago. Remember how my parents hated me? Told me I was worthless, a disgrace, a whore, lazy, good for nothing? My mother said please leave and my father said please kill yourself. Oh, it's all coming back. I remember many nights in desperate loneliness, lying on hard ground with slashed wrists, crying with a tearstained face asking for God to please, please kill me, put me out of my misery. I was alone so much, my parents grounded me always and took my phone and answering machine. My dad would send my friends away. I never talked to my brothers or sisters. I was so alone. I was glad for my parents' hatred because I needed attention so desperately. I just wanted someone to care about me a little. I didn't even know what love was. I thought it didn't really exist, because no one loved me and I loved no one. I couldn't. My parents were supposed to love me but they didn't, so how could I believe in trust and love? I left so worthless.... I was starved for attention.

September 15, 1995

Hi, it's me, except it's not really me, because I'm not Jessica now. I'm Asia. As I have been for two years now. I miss my diaries, so I'm gonna write again. I'm married, as of February 27. 1995, and still working as a porn star. I was a Vivid Girl for a year, but I left now, and Steve Hirsch is trying to keep me from working. He has gotten me a knocked off an R-movie and a non-sex role, but I just shot a commercial for Playboy and I'm doing a video vignette for Playboy next week. I also appeared in their “Book of Lingerie” this month. I auditioned to be VJ for the Spice Channel, but I didn't get it. That made me sad. At least I made it to the finals. I won the “Performer of the Year” at the AVN Awards in from of 2000 people and that makes me very proud and happy. I'll be sad when my year is up. Money is right, because Bud has borrowed $5,000 from me. I hate having no money. I hate not having enough work. I feel like a has-been and I fear getting older. Time is so limited. My death draws nearer and near. My name must get bigger before I die. I hope someone will collect my diaries and tell my story when I am gone. That's why I've kept them! I have a great story and I'll tell the young and beautiful and hopefully famous. 3-5 more years. Sleeping pills. I hate my fucking life and I'm extremely depressed. Not much has changed in 8 years!

(Apparently, Bud, her first husband's issue was that he was an alcoholic; so both of their money went down the drain.

I found this archive of her blog from her old website, and it's morbidly depressing. That transition between "this is the happiest and least stressed I've ever been in my life" to "the love of my life died and I'm 8 months pregnant with another young child" is one of the more depressing things I've read lately. I cried reading some of this stuff.

(If you're inclined to read it in order, read it from the bottom up.)

"FAILED MODEL MINORITY"/ ASIANS: Anyway, Asia Carerra's story reminds of another story back in the early 2010s; there was Amy Chua, an Asian American woman who graduated from Law in Harvard at teaches at Yale and published a parenting memoir called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother", describing how strict and driving she was with her own daughters because she didn't want them to grow up and be losers by not going to an Ivy League school and not playing any instruments, etc. Also, Amy Chua's daughters are Eurasian. Asia Carerra's story is like... the failed tiger mom parenting style, probably the worst possible outcome.

Edited by modmyth
Thanks, autocorrect.

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On 2020.05.12. at 10:32 AM, modmyth said:

You take listening seriously; that's a great quality. I hope you don't lose that quality even if people often don't return the favour. :) Listening is an act of opening up too, but it's always best when you're both open. Otherwise, there's not much real communication.

I would like to elaborate more, since i suspect you might be more interested in the topic.

The listening aspect of is for me and me only for few reasons:

Mental clarity of what is being projected verbaly and non-verbaly, like emotions and untold characteristics about people you can subtly notice when they are speaking. So you kinda get a good idea what to expect from them and how seriously you should take what they have to say and so on. For exapme if somebody shouts at you, is it coming from legitimate criticism of failed responsibility, how inflated is it by the shouters projection of guilt and hatred towards everything around him, or infuelnced by escapism and not caring about anybody but themselves seeing how consciously they can behave, how happy they can be, how much suffering they can take and how do they internalize. These things and many more will help you see life as it is in my opinion.

Secondly, your identity consists of bundle of toughts; the learned and non-learned stuff you are telling yourself which manifests as emotions, desires and so on. So when you are listening to others, you start listening to yourself also. So when i am beating myself up verbally internally, i know that i should stop, because that is what is manifesting as a wasted potential and more suffering. So another technique i use, when i get criticized for what i didn't do i firstly apply responsibility for my own sake and then after i do what i do, still get criticized, i can reflect and see i tired for my self and did my best, and if still criticism comes, i cannot take it seriously because clearly i am underappreciated and i look for things i am acctually doing compared to what i didn't do. (As you know human beings are quick to take things for granted) Acctually my life is based more and more feeling of completeness with others. Either that i did what was expected of me in the workplace or the amount of unecessary drama or even potential physocal conflict i deflected in my personal life by attempts of being provoked and so on.

Communications when both people are open - those happen very rare, its usually almost lile a chore to relating with other peole so theu get the benefit while i listen to them. But i practice listening for my own sake because i also do it because of one hindu principle - shive became many enjoy himself and if you are feeling incomplete in any relationships, firstly delusion has remaimed into you. But the whole dynamic is complicated because where then the self-respect aspect goes into when you have no time or wish to attend communication for other peoples enjoyment.

But i strongly stand by that life is for feeling of completion. If there is minimum restless consciousness left in you and nothing can really pull you out of feeling complete, listening is a great technique to apply this principle to organize what you speak and what you think about you and others.

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When I was younger, I didn't get distracted very easily (circa turning 15). Maybe it was the notion of no choice (as in, our modern notion of choice that resets as a responsibility and capacity of the conscious mind, of being responsible for ones destiny in a larger sense). There is a profound sense of freedom that comes with the loss conscious choice, as you cease to split in the present moment. For all the ways in which conscious CHOICE has become split from WILL.

LARGER LENS: Here I shift my lens again: I am not often consciously focusing on this fact: in my heart I would prefer to suffer than to be free of this all. This will to walk out and truly go through with it is for first timers, and the rest of us say we want to walk out, and deep down, we really don't. Much cursing and suffering caused by questioning this split ensues. I walked right out last September, and thought, “this is not right”, and then walked back in. There's something back there as I was. How can I stay here, resolved, when the world is like this? I don't want to be resolved. And anyway, I feel it all via my psychophysical environment.

SMALLER LENS: Oh, I guess I have to look out for myself now. Huh. I was alone in that space I was in. Now I have to do the small things, in order to accomplish the big things, which is why I'm even alive still. I... have so much resentment in me still. No one waits for me, not properly, with little understanding. Why? Why do I feel compelled to go back to this? This is it?  So this is all we are, this is all we've done and accomplished so far here on Earth? I am essentially creating my own pain here. Now what, modmyth? Just start. Start over. Start walking.

11-12: I had a lot of tears and concern for the way the world was. I couldn't stop thinking about the suffering in this world and just feel it shake my heart to the core. Again and again, I had asked, what is the ideal world? What would a real utopia look like? …


Last spring: I have shrouded myself in a magick// a perception that is much too powerful for my conscious mind to break. It isn't going anywhere in particular; I think I am just inhabiting an aspect of Myself that no one has seen yet, and I am out of time. I have to be careful not to look at people too directly, this is an intention I'm holding. Obscure my vision// hamstring myself. While I am transiting to work, in a moment of connection, I look at a woman directly: I see/ feel it all suddenly. The shape of this person magnified in exquisite detail. I have wrapped myself around this person; this body; this experience, the inside and the outside.

I SEE YOU IN YOUR CONTAINER, THE UNSEEN. I have been you, I have been you; but have you been me? (Why am I alone in seeing this way, still?)

I have seen and felt the harsh words and gestures you have absorbed, the abuse, your family (and who appears to be your father? I see his physical face), the perception of walking through time as you, your self-loathing, what you are hiding from yourself. I am the back end of your sub/unconscious (and all of the weight and splinters of what's there), I am feeling consciously what it is like to be you in this present moment, the shape and movement of your thoughts, the feeling of being in your body, self-image. I feel your spark outside of time. I am experiencing you as a continuum, like a drop in a moving river, but you aren't aware of me and what I'm experiencing at all.

Like looking into infinity mirror, there is absolutely no doubt when the mirror is also looking back at you proper, you only need to look into it and see. What do you see? There is your answer.

Later, a magnified voice asks me, SOPHIA... what are you going to do now? (First time being referred to by this name in this life,, and I have no previous associations or attachment to this, or being anyone in particular TBH). It's my own voice. I'm talking to myself outside of time again.

HEAVEN AND HELL: I walk through that whole day as if I had just reincarnated to Earth. It's devastating. I feel all of the force and unity of HOMEWORLD flowing through me simultaneously and the memory of being in my natural element. We, beings in body, this sun, this ground, this air. (We might be considered solar beings in energy orientation.) Us, our “language” is stretched across eons in rhythmic twists, like helixes (this is what you might call "culture" in a way, human language and writing as we understand it, is magnificently and uniquely human. Sometimes I marvel at its uniqueness for its own sake). There has never been this degree of interconnectedness like here on Earth. We may never get there. As a species, we have not evolved “naturally” and without direct interference and help, where embodied beings have all evolved together collectively at a similar level of awareness and consciousness. (Simply put, on such a short time scale, it's pretty much impossible. And this is at the root of why we have so many problems as a species. We have changed so much so quickly at every level and hardly in the best way that is conducive to our health as beings and souls, holy understatement much?) Anyway, that reality actually has not been written yet; I have not written it either.

***NOTE 1: I'd like to add that almost universally, as a species at a given point in time, there tends to be a cap on how much an embodied being can manifest as in terms of "absolute consciousness", especially in an unveiled/ unsegregated state with that energy inevitably flowing outward and impacting others (again, this is an issue with some intricacies that could be explained in more detail.) It's a matter of scale. From the "lower" end to the "higher" end, there is a lot of variability in scale compared to other species, both alien and not. In an absolute sense, we are still a collective consciousness with a sort of "average" that we are all a part of, which is necessary in order to communicate and be and do things. (IDK I feel this is poorly explained.)

REALITY: While on transit again, on a bus, I feel this isolation being experienced by multiple beings, as containers, not yet come into awareness of what is, the collective and conscious weight of all of that isolation and of “sin” and regret, of pain and suffering caused and caused to others. I feel everything that you're hiding, that you think can be hidden, and I feel the ugliness and disharmony of it intensely. I feel you as you and as not you, at any scale or angle or degree. All the unity and the lack of unity. I feel this all consciously, at an absolute scale. I feel it in your physical bodies and outside, at pretty much every conceivable level, up to the point of origin. (Where does the spark of life come from, the soul? What is that “void”? That is the point of origin).

I feel the thoughts and intentions that built this surrounding, these circumstances, that is this urban labyrinth that we live in now, this whole world. All at once. As a phenomenon, all at once. 5,000-10,000+ years of history, also stretched through time as sort of quasi-visual formation... for a lack of better terms... I see and feel it all, in the most excruciating pornographic detail and scope, the small and the large, the multiple perspectives, and the POSSIBLE perspectives (or, the raw material for such). The singular perspective. How the air and negative space around us is charged and imbued with our intentions, our thoughts, our dreams, our brokenness, dissociation, and disconnectedness.

(possible perspectives = all our alternate, actually existing universes.)

Is this the loneliest place on Earth; am I the loneliest person on Earth right now? I have never felt more unseen or unfelt in my whole life. I am still feeling myself as a singular human (although, magnified in a sense..), or as a human collective, or as the core of the human collective (D. Basically all of the above). I can't stay here like this. It's ripping me apart, as in, I sense that my physical body can't handle this kind of strain, and fundamental pulling and disunity, not for too long.

HEAVEN IS: I see it from the perspective of the place/unity I have left behind (HOMEWORLD), which is an actual physical place. There is a porousness and power there that does not exist here, not with all the transmissions of direct consciousness, all the drugs taken, all of the techniques used. I don't think human body or brain is capable of handling it all properly, but there is something that I am accessing out of time, like to embody it properly without a profound physiological change that might take something like multiple generations, at the very minimum, of inherited changes at a cellular level (how do I actually explain this one properly? I struggle with translation here profoundly.) If done on an exponential curve, that is. This is itself, a sort of miracle of achievement.

AGE 15 (UNTRANSLATABLE): I hear a voice from the sky that calls me by my “true name” which is spoken in what I term aconceptual language. It is a thing when “spoken” or communicated, properly carries the imprint of my soul essence or soul signature in its entirety, in all its unity, its scope, and its complexity. The presence gives me goosebumps and a strong chill; they have nothing of the spirit of planet Earth in them (and they actually do identify as one collective proper) and there is a sort of incompatibility with the human body at physical level which I can feel, which makes me feel... (I'll try to explain this one later, but in any case, I feel almost violently ill at a physical level, it doesn't alarm or concern me at all energetic; it's very familiar.) They (as in, a proper collective), don't recognize humans as proper sentient beings (aka. What "people" are you referring to?). No one talks to me like this; I don't think anyone here understands how to actually talk to me properly, like this.

INHUMANITY: Not proper sentient beings = in the way that we don't think of ants as sentient particularly. Or in the way that if there is a notable feature or phenomenon (say a mountain or a hill), all of the stuff around it, like grass, each blade of grass doesn't necessarily warrant a proper name as its own feature. There's no malice there, just complete impartiality or lack of consideration, comparable in the ways that some people attribute nature, as a sort of god, being an impartial giver or taker of life. (Where is the discussion of human emotion and interpretation relevant in this at all? It's not.) What do you do with grass? You step on it if you happen to be going places, and if not, then you don't. No actual proper communication is possible, not as it is right now, anyway.

I said (and understand that I am not communicating in spoken language), but it splits into what we would call a sort of unified multiperspective, at the level of language: Do you think there's nothing here worth saving/ preserving?/ Please don't refer to people like that/ I guess we're not on the same page./ It's happening//--> it's already happened.

Also how to explain this: “Speech” is out of time, a recursion.

AGE 13-14: awakening to the acute consciousness that I can read the soul signature or essence of all things, in absolute scope. The soul of all things, all people, all aspects, qualities, nature. This seems to be in the palm of my hands. It's just the way it is, and it's the way it's been. Why would it not be? (I have had my ways of figuring out what this means to not know, by inhabiting other experiences directly. But on top of that, I have to sort of "tape down" or block out certain aspects of my perceiving very aggressively, sometimes with an almost violent force.)

***ON BEING CALLED NAMES/ BEING A SOMEBODY (OR NOT): A lot of my normal human questioning functions were too taped down at this point in my life (last year) to ask myself this question I have been periodically asking myself my whole life: am I imbuing myself with some significance, some myth, or some name, for the ways in which I have lacked significance in my own life? What am I compensating for, if anything? It can't hurt to ask it at least once or twice. I walked through the ritual and artifice of self-doubt; but, truth burns away the functions of mind as we currently know it pretty much entirely.

Always, I want to be speaking in the language that other people are speaking in, to be inhabiting your reality (/ realities).

FORGET ME: My motto as a teenager and for my life in general, has been this. It wouldn't have been something I articulated but is something deep in my marrow, a sort of unspoken praxis and binding agreement I made with myself; I don't need to know who I am, I just need to serve my purpose. I don't want to know who I am, or what I've done, just to serve my purpose. I don't care who I have been. I don't care what I've done. It doesn't matter. You don't need to know me. You don't need to see me. I just need to survive. And when you see me, that's also to serve a purpose.

FORGET ME NOT: Back then, I didn't know how to feel sorry for myself, anyway. It made everything significantly easier, despite the harshness of certain aspects of my experience. Now that I have gotten a bit older, I feel the pull: please, feed my very human need; which you can call a need of the soul, of sentience itself. Please see all of me and walk through me in my entirety, as I must walk through you, to the best of your ability. As I will always be doing the same, however it appears, however I make it appear. Give me a slice of something that reminds me of home, again.

(Human need isn't a great thing when mixed with this kind of work, but here it is anyway.)


Edited by modmyth
It has been written already: my tears stop when there is nothing left to cry about.

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MISO SOUP: This is something I used to make a lot, which is healthy and also can be finished in about 5-10 minutes depending on what you put in it, and have just started wanting to make again. I usually have it as a very light breakfast or snack, and occasionally with other food. (I don't do that heavy breakfast thing.) Simple and traditional versions of this recipe just call for miso paste (made from fermented soybeans) dissolved in water, wakame (seaweed), cubed tofu, and sometimes a little bit of finely chopped green onions as a garnish.


Organic Miso Paste:  I usually add about 1 heaping tablespoon for about a cup of water (250 ml). This might not be as much of an issue in Japan and other East Asian countries, but here, non-organic miso usually has a ton of questionable additives, and organic miso does not. If you care about this stuff, just check the ingredient label to make sure that there are not many in. Generic east Asian sauces and condiments tend to not be the best when it comes to having a ton of additives.


Usually, you can buy both red miso and white miso. It's basically a matter of flavour preference. Red miso is more robust, and white miso is milder.



*green onions/ scallions, chopped finely

*wakame: Here, you can usually get this at most grocers (but then, this is Metro Vancouver


*soft tofu cubed (silken tofu works too)


(It seems like more traditional versions of this recipe often call for bonito flakes (made from fish) dashi (made from kelp and bonito), which I don't add.)

Other ingredients you can add:
*sliced vegetables (e.g. daikon radish, potatoes, carrots, bean sprouts, napa cabagge, dark leafy greens, etc.)
*mushrooms (Asian mushrooms, e.g. enoki works especially well, also they are thin, require minimal prep such as chopping, and cook very quickly)


*other stuff like eggs, noodles, etc. Basically you can customize it however you want.
Sliced ginger: I like to add for flavour and as a digestive, although it's not traditional. Also don't eat it, haha.

*Cooking it: Add the miso base after the water has heated up or boiled, otherwise it doesn't really dissolve properly. If you're adding ingredients which take a bit longer to cook (e.g. carrots or potatoes, boil those for a bit first before adding other ingredients. The basic ingredients (the seaweed, silken tofu, scallions) take almost no time to cook, like less than 5 minutes, about 2-3. If you boil soft/silken tofu for too long it disintegrates, and also the miso paste loses a lot of flavour (and basically does not need to be cooked at all).


TAMAGO GOHAN: Miso soup is usually served as part of a traditional Japanese breakfast.  Another food item that I never tried but I have been meaning to try and is also super simple is tamago gohan (featured above), which is a raw egg over rice, with a dash of soy sauce. Then you whip it up until the egg/ rice mixture looks creamy and frothy, like this image below:


(Duly noted: this is one of the few times that the Japanese add soy sauce directly to cooked rice and then just eat it... like most other East Asians. Chinese people also don't. Maybe it's my upbringing speaking,  but I find the idea of doing it weird and kind of disgusting, haha, but apparently this is a thing people do.)

Furikake: On the topic of Japanese food and condiments, if you can find this stuff, this is amazing and really delicious even with just plain rice, but you can also sprinkle it over pretty much anything. It provides a very umami or savory flavour. Check the ingredients for this seasoning too, as it can also have a lot of questionable additives. I find that normally the more expensive brands actually do have fewer additives. If it doesn't, then usually it's quite healthy, as it's just toasted sesame seeds, seaweed flakes, bonito flakes (made from some kind of fish), and a bit of salt and sugar. Some versions have no bonito flakes, if you're vegetarian or vegan, so look for that too (however it's traditional to include it).



^This is my money going down the drain as I finish a jar in a couple of days.


Edited by modmyth

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IMO they all go in order and they were written in the same flow of consciousness, but I separated them because they didn't fit the theme for the respective journals to post it all together. As pieces of thinking, I am proud enough of them, so it deserves a repost.

INTELLECTUAL ATOMIZATION: Have you ever noticed that the more intensely self-referential an idea gets, the larger or more complex the word you have to use to describe a thing that is supposed to a thing-in-and-of-itself? (as in a very specific detail or idea, that is very small or specialized or specific).

PRODUCTIVITY REPORT incoming, and then off to other tasks for the rest of the day. But my days in general can be summed up as:


Edited by modmyth

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PROGRESS/ PRODUCTIVITY REPORT/// Somehow this manages to be mostly cultural observations while learning Chinese:

PROGRESS/ PRODUCTIVITY REPORT: I also might as well do this here too, why not.  My main issue at the moment is this: I have been having an issue with spreading myself too thin, which is where I write a huge list of things to do in a planner for both the day (I also do this weekly). So the issue is with trying to complete as many things as possible. So I've been stressing myself out and not completing as much as I think I could, at the desired quality, and also generally not enjoying it as much except when I happen to enter into some kind of hyperflow state, then I usually end up having to stop in order to finish something else. It's kind of stupid, but I have always had this sort of conflict between writing things down and scheduling it and going with the flow. I mean, some days I would get comparatively little done otherwise if I did not schedule it.

*I have too many messages and I can never keep up with any of them. Sorry, not trying to be an asshole. It's not personal. :/

*WRITTEN MEDITATIONS/ VISUALIZATIONS: General goals for the near future: to add more meditations/ visualizations to what I started a couple weeks ago. I'm at about 60-70 or so, but my interested has really petered off, even though I can always find more to write about.

*SPECULATIVE FICTION: I'd like to move more into speculative fiction writing, as it has been my plan for a while. But I'm always writing here instead, and there is that sense of momentary hesitation which often turns in to procrastination and then I just end up doing something else entirely. I haven't wanted to force it, but I also need a push. In general, I have this sense that there are ideas I could and should explore (say for example, what I have been writing about in METACOG) which may just be better communicated through fiction as a vehicle. The problem is that I keep making a big deal about it when I should just start writing, as I already have ideas (or stubs that can be turned into stories, in the form of free word association lists).

*ART/ PAINTING: I have been wanting to paint more digitally, specifically, I still have this copy of Corel Painter 2019 that I have not learned how to use yet which I had gotten xmas, and I have wanted to update my art journal even though I've been doing well with keeping up with sketching everyday (it's like a journal of visual ideas/ FREEDRAW), or at least once every two days. I have been going through the process perpetually with it: does this deserve to be posted// is this good enough to be posted (and occasionally, what is the point of this?). It's is not the point of that journal. At all. Just have to give myself the boot, really.

REPRIORITIZATION: So I was thinking that it might make sense to give a day 1 single major priority, where the greatest amount of my energy and focus will go. I need enough time to create a sort of immersiveness without worrying about other shit and stressing myself out, hopping from one task to the next. And then on top of that primary focus, a handful of secondary focuses to choose from. I like to give myself that choice or option and some flexibility there.

FITNESS: I've been doing well with keeping up the calisthenics thing since I started a couple weeks ago. I have also added suspension trainer workouts into my routine. Since I'm doing the bodyweight thing, I figured that I might as well do the pullup thing as well. Like many other women, it's really not my forte. Man vs. Nature: when choosing between the tree branch or a metal bar on the playground for suspending my suspension trainer on, I definitely trust steel more! Also, I've finally overcome the fear of planting directly on my face while doing the pike or any planking type activity.

Like this, but entirely by accident.


*LANGUAGE: I have still been keeping up with the language/ Anki thing while focusing on Chinese/ Mandarin primarily. (However, I keep adding vocab words to Spanish, Swedish, etc. with a sort of 80-20 principle in mind, a marginal amount of effort for some good results.) On top of that, I have started reading a lot of basic books in Chinese, basically whatever I can find on Kindle Unlimited. I have been reading kids' books and readers which are aimed towards adults; the latter are mainly are traditional Chinese poems, proverbs and stories, etc.. I might as well take full advantage of whatever's there. There are lots of self-published books on Kindle Unlimited, many of which are questionable quality, but also, there's some unexpectedly good stuff.

LANGUAGE/ METEOR GARDEN (2018): I also had a few days where I've taken a break from doing a lot of other tasks, and watched a lot of Meteor Garden. So there have been a bunch of different incarnations of this show, including the pretty well-known K-drama “Boys Over Flowers”; originally there was a drama in mid-90s, which based on a manga. Yea, I don't know how much of this I can watch, but I've been keeping myself pretty entertained both observing cultural idiosyncrasies and keeping up with this focus: imprinting the native way of speaking into my mind, especially with the conversational grammar. I am native (relatively?) in Cantonese, not in Mandarin; I find it to be very different rhythmically and in colloquial phrase usage. Traditional Chinese school and the rote method of learning did not do me good with those aspects at all; having anything explained grammatical would have been super helpful, particularly as sentences get longer and more complicated!

At first, I thought, oh god.. .they talk so quickly all the time. I got used to it more rapidly than I expected. It would be nice if they put up the Chinese words along with the English subtitles, but this is Netflix. It would be nice to have the option for Chinese subtitles period, as they often had with shows in both Hong Kong and mainland China.

Anyway, the premise of Meteor Garden is that a cute but relatively average girl (in every sense of the word) has 2 super hot, smart, popular, guys fighting over her perpetually in some kind of comically twisted love triangle. For some reason which is not really made clear at first at all. (Then later, it's suggested: maybe it's her sparkling character and the fact that she doesn't take any shit? Ok. Sure. Why not.) So, chick tv stuff.

Also: Oh look, it's Mr. Darcy. If Mr. Darcy were to get a flying kung-fu kick to the face.

Other things I learned how to do in Chinese: how to compliment hot guys, PG rated insults (bo luo tou = pineapple head, noodles for brains). A variety of words to describe Chinese cooking and dishes, especially if it's delicious (aka. how to thank the cook). How to ask someone on a date, or to accept a date, or how to avoid going on a date? Definitely gonna need that in the future, haha.

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS// "Tongue in Cheek" (maybe):

1) ASSHOLE WITH A HEART OF GOLD: Lots of what would be considered perpetual verbal abuse, just flying everywhere. If you have a crush on someone, be sure to call them stupid and also ugly, and also hit them, and then blame your family on producing a whole dynasty of people who can't help but act that way because your personalities are too powerful. Also somehow your background will manage to turn you into some kind of stock investing genius even if you have the attention span of a 5-year-old with everything else (at least you get to be a talented, goodlooking dickface). Somehow you can have excellent grades and is just generally knowledgeable even though you can't concentrate on anything for 5 minutes straight. Got it.


2) If someone insults your family's cooking, that is seriously offensive. Also, at least one person is gonna get slapped in the face with noodles, kimchi, etc. That is seriously offensive, especially if someone you know and love made that food. 


3) AUTISM/ COLLECTIVISM (?): There is something else I found confusing, which I think is also a cultural thing in a way that I can't fully articulate. So they made one of the characters in the love triangle mildly autistic, quite literally. And through the power of the love of his childhood friend, he overcame his autism (?????) and now longer has autism, and is now just a popular dude that doesn't talk very much ("mysterious image"). Somehow it's like this has been negated because he's good looking and smart, and now does some quirky stuff that people otherwise ignore because he's part of the popular clique. Does this fit into that cultural narrative of mental illness? Because I definitely can't see the above narrative running here for multiple reasons... it's kind of fascinating and confusing.  Normally in East Asian cultures, we push that stuff completely under the rug as long as it is possible to do so, otherwise, quite literally you are your family's problem, and your problems are considered to be a reflection of your family. By default, this is less of an institutionalized approach to mental "abnormalities" and illness in general. However, when it does come up, it's generally approached in a more blunt and direct way.


4) An apparently white-passing hapa guy playing a French guy, who just looks mixed to me (Blake Abbie).


Edited by modmyth
I never normally watch stuff that would be considered soaps or Asian dramas.// when I watch, read, or observe stuff that would just be generally considered sort of "basic", I tend to observe everything around it in order to entertain myself.

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