Coming Out: Confessionals

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@kag101  Thanks, appreciate it!

MUSICAL ASSOCIATIONS: revisiting childhood with this one.

PROTECTION/ NO PROTECTION/ antinostalgia: Here is something that's being ruined for me. J is fond of Massive Attack too, in fact, I possibly hear it get played a bit too much around him. This was never one of my favourite songs, but I did enjoy it. But now I could do with never hearing this song ever again, and so he removed it from his normal playlist because I temporarily lose motivation to do anything after I hear it. I guess the association hasn't been fully broken yet.

It's the subject of this song and the lyrics, really.

Strange to think that I might have the power to make it just another song, yet again.

There's other music I've listened to where the association has pretty much been thoroughly broken, so I can listen to it and enjoy it again for what it is, without associating it much to anyone or any time period of my life. Of course I'm capable of remembering where it came from, but the emotional imprint or groove. .... (Where did it go?)

Edited by modmyth
Glassworks: VI Closing reminds me so much of the recurring theme that laces itself throughout Interstellar/ Hans Zimmer.

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5am CLARITY: So there is a man passed out in my bed. He's adorable. I think I have painted him in this pose at least a few times. He has no idea that I'm typing about him right now, but also, I have no particular reason to be up this early, writing. A number of thoughts, in no particular order:

*FATIGUE: I've been pretty fatigued of writing the past few days (fatigued in general). At any point in time, there seems to be too many things to do on my to-do list, and too many messages to respond to. I just... have gotten used to living in a relatively minimalistic, isolated way. It's been a hard habit to break. So, I am perfectly capable of getting along with people, but I still lack the desire for many close relationships, for the most part. Why? Mostly, it used to come naturally. Now it's like if there's no reason for that relationship existing, no essential purpose, why bother? Why just have relationships for a relationship's sake? I seem to have gotten on fine without it mostly, these past 8ish years or so. We need a similar mission, a fundamental reason for that relationship existing, a dedication to that cause. (Even if in the end, all things only really exist for their own sake, or just because.)

*LET GO: How do you let go of this need to make sense of why things happened a certain way, other than time? And then accepting that there IS no sense to make about it? You don't. How to stop asking questions about that pointlessly? Sometimes, you don't. What was the point of the last handful of years? Probably nothing. I know myself better. My health suffered. I have a much better sense of my own priorities. That's all. That's it, mainly. Idealism is always practical and meant to serve a purpose; it's no raison-d'etre.

*WHY?": There's this tendency to ask myself very thoroughly, at least once, why am I doing anything, while I'm doing it, unless I'm in a particularly strong state of flow or inspiration. Which doesn't necessarily stop me from doing the thing these days. But still, I will ask why. Currently, I am writing out these meditations and visualizations right now. At least once, I have to ask myself, who cares? I obviously know how to do this, but why bother sharing? Who is going to be the person who gets benefit from this, because I'm not really enjoying writing out what seems obvious to me for my own sake.

*"GURUS": I don't think of myself as a moral compass particularly (arising from the question, what do people want, search for, and expect in a moral compass, aka. can I sell this shit? What purpose does that serve in the grand scheme of things? Am I obliged to? etc....) But then, what does that have to do with meditation, visualization, and a number of other skills (yes, skills)? What does that have to do with absolute consciousness at all? You get consistency and transparency from me to the best of my ability. I promise very little else in that way, in an absolute sense. But technically speaking, I am (/was) prodigious in these skills, and a number of other skills. So it simply boils down to this: you want this thing, I have it. Or have this thing which can make you do other things that you want. What do other expectations have to do with it? People shit out good money to do what I do naturally with very little effort. But this doesn't necessarily make me any good at communicating what I know and am aware of at all.

*"CYNICISM": I have a lot of cynicism still, if not mainly for practical reasons, when it comes to dealing with people. And who wants to model that, honest or not? However, I never anticipated how much “reliable” and “loyal” would end up meaning at the end of this last cycle. So in a way, I have ended up doing a complete 180 on that issue. My family for example, are dishonest fundamental level, and not opening up to them and having “no trust” seems just practical even if it's not rooted in grudges and paranoia. Honestly is survival for me; I in general, seem very illy equipped to live with inconsistency and lies in general, like the fabric of their lying really has just ripped me apart. But anyway... what if this is the best possible outcome? There is one person at this point that I would trust with my wellbeing in an emotional sense, as in I would trust that person with my life. That's just practical. That's just taking inventory of what is. That's just reality. That's just all that's left. Some people get no one. Maybe this could change in the future, with being less reclusive and all.

*"CYNICISM 2": In general, my rule has been, don't give people what they so obviously can't handle on an intuitive level, but then the question is, to what degree are your assumptions just creating or dictating that reality, or in some sub/semiconscious way, chaining that person to a cynical outcome? But yet, when it comes to your own safety and preservation, you don't fuck around unless you're prepared to deal with the consequences.

My whole life, I've been told that I'm prone to extremism when it comes to dealing with people (while personally, I thought I made compromises all the time), specifically when it comes to determining whether people are trustworthy.  So what if I don't take people seriously in this way, but I also say, it's not worth the price of living in fear and paranoia for whenever you have the choice? That I have always thought this way?

*Offtopic Confession: Sapiens irritates me because it's neither dense enough to be a "proper" piece of academic literature, but not casual enough to be a piece of reading I can finish and digest in less than an hour. Apparently I'm not feeling that middle ground. I don't get it.

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COUPLES SHIT// Quarantine Edition:

*TECHY STUFF: J asked me if I wanted to help him make something with the Raspberry Pi I got him some Christmases ago. I thought he simply forgot about the thing. I taught myself some Python a handful of years ago, but it doesn't mean much. He builds stuff for fun and doesn't think much of it, but he's always been like that... good at building stuff from scratch. He wants to build a game emulator; probably I'll just be tagging along and learning some stuff! Anyway, it's good to at least periodically be taken out of your element completely, and to learn and do something you're clueless about or really inexperienced with.


Linux: This guy has an asteroid named after him, ok?

*THOSE BORING ASS COUPLES: I told him that I don't want to be one of those couples whose primary way of bonding is just vegetating and consuming media, like coming home after a day of working, shutting off your brain, and watching Netflix or something (not that I have anything against Netflix). Or like... traveling, drinking wine, eating recreationally (again nothing against any of those things, although eating as a hobby, really? 1) Since when is eating a hobby except in the most technical sense of the word? 2) That's kind of a basic ass bitch hobby, for the most part.) Or like, having dinner with our 1.5 kids that we don't have and never will have. Both of us signed off with that issue. I worked through my issues for that most part in these last few years; I have no intention of opening that issue ever again unless there's a very good reason to. Arguably he has not, but I feel like I have had the highest bar to clear in the world anyway. Not worth it. He makes it his central life's purpose to support me; I am worth it for him, and for who else am I both worth it and is also worth it, for me? Suppose things haven't changed that much from when I was 16 and we started talking and he said: if either of us is gonna change the world, it's you. It's the second time around; I take him seriously. I take everyone more seriously the second time around.

*SKILLS EXCHANGE: So I'm trying to figure out what to teach him once he's a little less busy with work. 1) Maybe Mandarin, as I've picked up quite a bit at this point with all the Anki (flashcard drills) that I've been doing. I'm surprised, I thought he wanted to learn Japanese still. He said, Mandarin's practical. No shit. 2) Drawing? He's wanted to try, but I don't know how serious he is about it. Once he drew me a little picture to go with that time that he donated to a local charity, as he often has been doing these Christmases for me. It was for "Bandaids for Bunnies"; it was a little cartoon bunny. I told him, oh cute... the bunny is wearing a dress? Because its body was so triangular. He said, no... it just came out like that. He was super embarrassed about not being able to draw in the technical sense, but I thought it was really cute though. ^_^

*ENERGY WORK: Just generally, meditation and energy work together, even if I do and will continue to mostly do it myself. He's doing a daily thing too now, also he has been occasionally watching me write these meditations/ visualizations for the project I've described above and has gotten really curious about all the pictures/ diagrams I've been doing. He is the guinea pig too. He has energy affinity/ attunement, but not quite as I do. Which is perfect for this testing out thing. And I'm casually exacting.

*A GOOD OLDFASHIONED HOBBY: Sometimes we read my Fetlife messages together (sorry dudes, but some of them are pretty funny/ I get some interesting propositions.)


(For reals, no judgment. Like I'm one to judge haha.)


*I've convinced him to start harmonizing with me as I sing and do that guitar thing. Couples harmonization. ***barf***


(Ew gross. Get a room.)


(// That's kind of the default state of everyone right now except those of us who have no rooms to get.)

Edited by modmyth
Wow, I actually managed to keep this PG, for the most part.

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CONFESSIONS, Monday edition// this is mostly me just venting in an introspective way//:

POSTING IT ANYWAY, MOSTLY: I started barfing my feelings into a private journal, because of the pact I made with myself... not to repeat myself here with certain feelings and sentiments. Mostly it's all been said already. What's the point? Duly noting though: I feel less of that self-censorship thing than ever before, along with that barrier between public and private. I have always been of this mind: it's best to be everything that you can afford to be openly in public, and to be the same person across the board, honestly and openly in all situations. For YOU, for the sake of integration and unity first and foremost. Not for others. The cost of living without absolute truth and honesty ends up being the highest price, the price of "your soul". We just think that this isn't the case. Here in society and civilization, this is mostly all we know. Our myopia blinds us, and then we wonder why we're suffering from this and that (aka. "everything") in an equally myopic way. We become obsessed and distracted with the symptoms and the inconvenience of suffering. Obsessed with preventing and detaching from pain. You've heard of this notion, pain is just a symptom, yes?

REGRET// THAT ONE PERSON: I'm not sure that I'll ever be grateful that he showed up. In a similar way that I am not grateful towards my parents overall for the way they influenced the arc of my life, but I do have some things I am grateful for. I should have kept it as impersonal as humanly possible with him, just like everyone else, up to that point. Practically speaking, it was a mistake in terms of my wellbeing and self-preservation. In the grand scheme of things, they say there are no mistakes though. It's not hard to see the higher purpose and evolution of things.

FORGIVENESS: I feel though... that the more I have forgiven my parents completely for what they have done, the more they feel like complete strangers that I happen to correspond with semiregularly. I am not trying to push it to be that way, but legitimately, I don't feel any intimacy or sense of obligation or owing after I have processed everything that I have processed. They are... the strangers who happened to raise me, as I raised myself. It took me  17+ years of continual and conscious processing to get myself to that point, life never gave me a break from it. I took this in stride. Despite however it might have appeared, I have very little breathing room to fuck up or meander off course for the most part, because I have been acutely aware that my actual life depends on it. Do you know, the tighter and more demanding a situation generally is, the less option you have to actually feel sorry for yourself or your situation? That shit comes later. Any "feeling sorry for myself' is just catching up for what I have been unable to do for my whole fucking life. My whole life, I have not been able to feel sorry for myself, not as a child or a teenager, to feel bad about my own situation directly, because there is only the space to react to trauma. So, I catch up as if paying a debt to myself. For most of my life here, "pragmatic optimism" isn't just an ideal, it's a survival strategy. But everyone gets fatigued sometimes, in this world, in this era. 

My parents... they knew what was wrong with me for my whole life and what happened to me (before I was 5), and they lied about it (see ARS AMORATA if you want to read about me addressing it in an indirect way), and were going to continue lying about it presumably for the rest of my life, until one of us ended up dead. There is a base level of trust there I will never have with them. And yet, I am "open'. I have forgiven them entirely or almost entirely. That might not be obvious from how I write about it, but forgiveness simply means the slate is wiped clean karmically, psychoemotionally. Not that I'm going to throw them a parade. 

"EGO": I do this for myself, and whatever shame and judgment there is toward myself,  I feel less and less. Pretty much nothing either in public or in private, except what's left of the habitual pause: should I be doing this? Is it practical and in my best interest? (Or collective best interest?) I don't care if it's considered ideal when it comes to siding with myself properly now, less and less. You want to talk about "EGO"? This is "ego". Thinking you have the right and capability of bailing out of difficult emotional situations by so that you have a more acceptable front to yourself or to others. Yea, you might, for a price. Fuck this way of thinking. I care about reality. Your reality. My reality. Everything that is hidden and dissociated from. There is a reason why I so often to choose to face in people what they cannot face directly in themselves, what they find ugly and unfacable, both in the greater scheme of my life and in my work with the collective (un)consciousness directly. I am not afraid of this stuff at all, with few exceptions. I don't choose image and myself and others over truth and consistency (except in the most bare bones, socially pragmatic way), as much as humanly possible. Fuck moralizing this thought process. Fuck a great deal about morality, as it's commonly understood. It's shallow and rotten at a deep structural level.

"Being ideal"? This is how you reorient yourself perpetually with positive intention; this is what ideals are used for, when used properly. IDEALS are not a tool to dissociate from yourself, or abuse others and yourself with, in a moralistic sense. Fuck that way of thinking. I would say, if you want to be abusive and do some damage, be abusive in the open without pretense, right where everyone can see it. Except it's not so easy to do then, is it?

I AM ALLERGIC TO LIES: I hate people who lie (and then justify it or justify playing games around it), if it isn't obvious. It's really hard though when you lie systematically to yourself in ways that you're not fully conscious of, and your whole lifetime is a series of lies that you are unraveling.  Perhaps all of us find ourselves in this situation, some of us more than others. When even if you're committed to not lying to yourself, if you have a commitment to keeping shit secret and prefer to avoid facing things directly, how does it actually work out? Pick one thing or the other. Maybe the term ego should go in the garbage. Until you can identify exactly what it means and you are capable of imbuing it with a different meaning.

Back on topic: (Do you know, I was 25 before I was able to be sure, without a doubt, about events that had shaped the course and set the tone for my entire life... before I was regularly conscious (so before 5.) So I never had a fighting chance up to that point?) I feel similarly about him. Perhaps he was a necessary mistake. And yes, I think of him as being in a similar category to my parents in a way. I let him in too much (or the idea of him in, what is the difference, honestly). Yes, I learned a lot about myself during that time period, that I needed to learn. Yes, I had to duke it out with myself. Was the worst possible outcome necessary? Maybe not. But it was. I still hold space for reality and the majesty of it, and I do that by being HONEST and saying FUCK this if this is the most direct way to express how I feel.

CLASSICAL BOUNDARIES (OR NOT): He convinced me... he was worth trusting, to that degree of trust. Not an easy thing at all. (And yes, that means I convinced myself that he was worth trusting; I am still an advocate for personal responsibility even while in the midst of blaming, and that means ABSOLUTE responsibility, technically beyond the capacity of your ability to know or be aware of something consciously at a given moment, as sort of ideal. ALSO: responsibility is not blame. Let's repeat that again: RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT BLAME; IT IS NOT INTERCHANGEABLE WITH THE IDEA OF BLAME.) At the beginning of this all or what I would call a proper start (early 2017), I thought to myself, this will either kill me or work out some way or another. It killed me. There is a reason why I don't and haven't let people in too deeply. I had thought to myself, I am due to die one way or another, whether physically or emotionally. And if there are no accidents. So, on one level, not trusting is a practical thing, in the same way if your heart was a ceramic vase, you don't just go around handing it off to people, sticking it on people's heads to see if it balances as a test of faith. Particularly when you strongly get the intuition, hey this is a pretty stupid idea and you know it's not just your paranoia speaking. It really is just a stupid idea. You just know, beyond just considering it from the calculating perspective of your own past.

Also, you don't need to trust (as in, imbue that trust with special significance as I did) in order to be OPEN completely. That there, is the key distinction. You make someone else responsible for your happiness, for the business of knowing you completely. That is not the same thing as true psychoemotional openness at all, which is truly unconditional. (In the same way, not everyone deserves respect in the practical sense of the word, though you might choose to give it anyway.)

So you're stuck in this stupid fucking existential predicament: you need to be open in order to be free. And you have to go through this ritual of imbuing someone with special trust, whether consciously intending to do it this way or not. Say you have a million covert contracts with yourself and others that you cannot even begin to be aware of, not yet. And you can't disentangle it, not yet. You have to just get it all out in the open as it is, and risk that breakage.  Probably, you will get broken. That's "karma" in a nutshell; universal cause and effect. (What makes it feel even more stupid is being completely aware of what will probably happen beforehand, the impact, if not the exact outcome.)

Well after all this, and now, he can be a necessary stranger. Again. We will never be friends. I will never identify with him in an especially personal way. (...Unless you become me. The price of it isn't worth it. Don't bother. Just leave. Don't identify with me either.) I seriously doubt he had any idea how much or the degree to actually hurt me. Or how much I have actually lost. And he already had reasons to know that my external, obvious reactions aren't necessarily a great gauge of how I'm actually feeling about certain things. I had faith in his ability to put 2 and 2 together. He didn't take my anger that seriously, did he? My pain? Well, "forgiveness" means to let go of all of this... for me. "Forgiveness" also means respecting myself and cutting the cord properly, for the ways in which residual aspects of this connection psychically now, Like, actually cut it and go to the full extent, no matter what the consequences are, and don't look back. Don't feel bad about it either. There is nothing to solve or do here this way. I... honestly haven't been able to do this fully and completely. Something sentimental in me holds back from making it total. And at this point, I believe it must be total. Just cut it clean.

This is what I naturally do anyway, in almost all cases. Apparently, this shouldn't haven't been an exception. It feels so cold to say that, but I don't think there's any other option, really. And this time, "karma" has to be destroyed and wiped clean properly, at all costs. This karma, the karma of this world, the karma of humanity. All these threads that are interlinked.

This whole time I have been trying to keep in mind, let's do as little damage as humanly possible, ok?

MISSED MESSAGES?: What I kept saying over and over again, is that I hope his choices are worth it in the grand scheme of things. We are all working with factors that are beyond our conscious control and awareness, in the grand scheme of things. Are at the mercy of life. Truly, I hope his life is worth it and he continues to find a way to make it worth it. Without me. I tried to wish this before, and yet I keep behaving and thinking, feeling and processing in petty ways. I myself want to face away from it, but I can't let myself either; I know it's not right. This is what I mean when I say, sometimes you want to behave in the best possible way and to be "the better person", but you don't have the emotional equity for it, so you can't. So don't play games with yourself about it, if you do your best and ultimately you just can't. Ultimately, none of it matters, if he missed the full extent of what I actually felt, and also missed a great deal of what I actually told him. Let's just finish up with this up ASAP, ok? All bitterness sucks. I have a severe allergy to this. 

***I'll be honest, there does seem to be an element of period rage in all of this, haha. Everything seems to be irritating me today. *Person exists, breathes. My internal mood in response:*



Edited by modmyth
I'm responsible enough to try to let others know when I think I am not worth the effort IMO, or to keep others away from me in case they have risked direct contact with my "issues" in the past.

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ON THE BENEFITS OF ANGER AND RAGE// RESPECT ANGER: So I'm not that angry lately for the most part. Moreso I have been sad sometimes, because of what I described above, yes. Angry for the purpose of focusing on resolution, and maintaining certain boundaries, psychically and psychoemotionally, yes. Chronically angry about the same stuff and the same issues without making significant progress, no. Wishing that it would hurry up, yes sometimes. But I have become more at peace with its natural pace. You do everything you can to facilitate progress, and then you develop the sense of when to just let it be, which follows a certain philosophy of mine: don't negotiate with reality as it exists in the present moment. And if you feel the urge to, acknowledge that you feel that way. Then do something else. 

Generally speaking, all the time that I could spend on focusing on something more productive and where I have the option to be happy with practicing self suppression and disregard, I am. But I know myself very well, at this point; there aren't very many suprises of the mind. I push hard against my own tendency to be hyperproductive and just focus on the positive or alternatively what is pragmatic, believe it or not. I make the harder of the choices, but I also make the choice which allows me to resolve things more quickly, due to its directness. This may be... particular to me. For another person, it may be a different choice. Maybe that hasn't always been clear with what I am doing here.

ABUSE AND NEGATION: If you have had no voice in certain contexts, if what you felt, said, and thought felt like it didn't matter at all; like you were invisible or your existence was constantly negated, especially in home life, you probably need anger in order to feel like you have a sense of self. You know, for the purpose of doing anything here on Earth and functioning in the most basic sense. Absolutely, please, do not use asceticism as a sort of glorified self-abuse, or if you do, it is fitting to see it for what it is. As the ancients would say, this is what is called... polishing a turd. :D

***If you have issues with expressing or being honest about acknowledging the existence of certain thoughts and emotionally completely (and I mean ANYTHING), even if only to yourself, to what extent is this just society talking through you (even if you have picked and chosen it, to a degree)? Society and society's values? It is good to ask yourself at least once, do you honestly and truly believe in your own reasons for self-censorship (or alternatively, the censorship of others, for the ways in which we measure others tends to be a direct extension of how we measure and value ourselves)?

ASCETICISM: IMO asceticism works best with the headstrong, the stubborn, and the proud (none of which are negative characteristics, really) who have a solid functional identity and a base to work from, who may need to restrain themselves through imposing lifestyle conditions or choices to take it down a notch in order to accomplish a certain purpose or task. This allows people to bend themselves into a certain shape psychoemotionally, or to forcibly open themselves up (just to give a few examples), but also you have a certain working sense of “self” which can withstand this kind of force. You know, so you can still function afterward and do anything legibly afterward. It should not be the means for which to people to abuse themselves by compounding on abuse that already happened, and then to feel moral about destroying themselves. I'm sorry, no. I don't think that's a praiseworthy goal. Normally I would say to each your own, but this is accomplishing what exactly? Not whatever it says it is, usually (“wisdom”).

MORALISM: If you lash out at people unconsciously and you can't control it, you may need conscious anger rather than moralism or whatever it is that's preventing you from expressing it. (The other option is that you may actually need more conscious control in the classical sense, and creating some psychological distance. Did you have a very lax and undisciplined upbringing, for example? Feasibly then, more of the same may not bring you into balance.) With anger in general though, you cannot skip it either way; you simply don't have the luxury to do so. You need it self determine, or you will be stunted otherwise, although in just in a very moralistic and “spiritual way”. Some of us maybe need it more than others. Some of us, in our truest expressions and natural disposition, maybe more angry and hotheaded that others. (In the case that you are getting chronically angry though, ask why... and what purpose is it serving? What is aggravating you?)

UNCONSCIOUS ANGER: Anger is also part of your psychoemotional or psychic immune system, in the case that you are reacting … well, reactively (as in, violently and more unconsciously). (Consider also: the possibility that there is a link between your psychoemotional immune system, and your physical immune system and health in general.)

ANGER AND DEPRESSION: Sometimes you can't take the fire out of the anger without destroying your energy or motivation in general. And then... in the process of ruthless self-censorship and perpetually stepping on yourself, you wonder why you have no willpower or desire to do anything. This is an example of not being able to pick and choose very effectively. Often our emotions are a package deal: you don't just get to choose to experience things ideally or feel or address certain emotions or to address it in the most IDEAL or calm way either. Sometimes consciousness comes to a head very quickly: two or more conflicting aspects entering consciousness very suddenly tend to do that. Then guess what: it comes out in an ugly way. An unacceptable way. An assholish or unpleasant way, or a way that makes it very unpleasant for other people to be around, for obvious reactions. That triggers unconsciousness and powerlessness within other people, but also is the testing and proving grounds for some of us (for those of us who are especially conflict prone). Notably, none of these judgments help you in self-actualizing or resolving or releasing your anger. It is other people who have effectively convinced you that anger is intrinsically wrong, bad, or dangerous.

If you are taking the fire out of your own anger in this way... then honestly, you are probably disrespecting yourself.

TAKE YOUR OWN SIDE: Take this well-known poem by Rumi, for example. A lot of people would agree with it, at least in theory, yea? It both sounds nice to the ears (it is palatable), and it's true. But in practice, what does it really mean?

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


EQ OF THE SELF: How do you respect an emotion anyway; how do you treat it honorably? Well, that depends on the situation, doesn't it?  (You should probably ask yourself, what is the emotion or experience that would balance it out? How do you treat yourself? How do you emotions... want to be treated, if you open yourself up and ask them?)

It can mean something of the following, but this is hardly exhaustive. Just how I tend to approach it:

*Simply giving it the space to be, by expressing it out fully and honestly. Ideally, this is not directly in the offending person's face in a state of unconsciousness, for the ways in which this does accrue you more karma (And perhaps also, taking conscious attention to not feed into it as a habit, which can be a fine balance to tread out). Sometimes that's observing it more from a distance. Sometimes that's going to be FUCK THAT FUCKING PERSON AND HIS STUPID FUCKING FACE while you're journaling, because that's way more direct and authentic if it comes naturally. Why, because you're getting fully on board with that emotion, but in a conscious way. That is one way to honour it fully. And to greatly lessen the chances that you will unconsciously barf in someone else's face later. (If you have an issue with detachment and dissociation (e.g. anger is not acceptable emotion), IMO the second option is a hell of a lot better, and is a more intelligent strategy.)

*In your own head or in semi-private, exploring the full extent of it, especially if you feel some kind of inhibition against doing so, or if you feel like it is wrong to do so. (And if you don't explore it directly, at least ask WHY it's unacceptable to do so, and explore these motives in the most honest way possible).

*Ultimately, giving yourself the space to be emotionally open and vulnerable, even if only with yourself, to the fullest and rawest extent possible. Being emotionally open often predicates being mentally open, for the ways in which those two elements... are not intrinsically separate. Ultimately at the end of all it, you will be absolutely open. Like an open book, with nothing to hide, particularly.

In a state of openness, the light can't help but pour in everywhere. It's just what the light does. I have said earlier in this journal, the light is everywhere. The commonness of it makes it unremarkable in a sense. It is intrinsic reality.

Edited by modmyth
How about the superpower that makes it so that I stop making typos?

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THE NINETIES: So the X-files was filmed in Vancouver mainly (we are known colloquially as Hollywood North since a surprising number of movies and TV shows are/ have been filmed here). There is also an area in North Burnaby which is filled with film studios. Anyway, one of J's uncles used to work in SFX on the set of the X-files for a number of years, so he got to visit the SFX warehouse and look at all the creepy props and shit, and also he gave J autographed posters with the costars signatures.

Somewhere in there is the classic, "Mulder... suck my dick" which cracks me up every time.

This is mostly just Gillian Anderson swearing and laughing.

Edited by modmyth

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CANTONESE CUISINE, Non-westernized Edition (via my mom, and older Chinese relatives and acquaintances):

*IMO traditional Canto cuisine might be not be well known as the Mediterranean diet or the Nordic diet, but it's at least just as healthy, though probably not as sexy. Mostly though, traditional Cantonese homecooking is very different than restaurant food. We don't use that much meat traditionally due to it being expensive (it features more as a garnish or flavouring agent rather than the primary ingredient in many dishes) and there isn't that a lot of sauce or seasoning; food isn't very spicy or spicy at all. Maybe it's a hard draw to sell if you're not used to the food; I'm not sure. Also, maybe only elderly Chinese people insist on eating this way now, in that case, traditional Canto cuisine proper might be going extinct. I wouldn't be surprised.

***Probably our most famous contribution to world cuisine is Dim Sum, aka. Asian Brunch.


Anyways, meals might look something like this: steamed rice, 1-2 protein dishes (e.g. one dish where the protein is the major ingredient (e.g. fish, other meat, tofu), and another where meat is a garnish, and vegetables/fungi or mushrooms are the main ingredients), and a couple vegetable-based dishes. It's not uncommon to have a soup before a meal (see below). Almost all food is either stirfried or steamed. It tasting good though... is really dependent on the freshness of the food though, and the quality of the ingredients. IMO Canto food never quite tastes right here, especially the vegetable dishes are lacking a lot of flavour.


*steamed rice (traditionally, other foods like cooked buckwheat and sweet potatoes were used as well, but my grandfather absolutely refuses to eat a sweet potato or brown rice instead of white rice even if it is healthier, because it reminds him of being super poor. I don't mean our idea of poor here, I mean third world poor.)

*rice congee (aka. rice porridge) for breakfast, with additions (shredded or finely chopped meat, scallions or chives, chopped ginger, sesame oil, eggs (the century egg is a traditional addition which I never cared for)) There are a ton of ingredients you can add, which are often yesterday's leftovers or ingredients which you haven't used up, end up in here.


*steamed egg (plus additions sometimes), a quintessentially Cantonese dish. (Below It is served with chopped chives, soy sauce, and possibly sesame oil.)


*steamed freshwater fish or other local, freshly caught ocean fish and seafood, fresh with ginger, garlic, etc. (fresh to Cantonese people means literally caught and was alive earlier that day...). (The strips of ginger are pretty ubiquitous.)


*stirfried vegetables (watercress, bok choi, gai lan, choi sum, Chinese cabbage, bean sprouts, and any huge number and variety of vegetables.)


*stir-fried or steamed tofu (often with meat or fish for flavour, but not necessarily).

This dish below is mapo tofu; I'm pretty sure Cantonese style is with all the spiciness taken out.


Tofu stuffed with fish paste; my mom used to make this one a lot. The thing with tofu-based dishes is that they are always cooked with other ingredients so that they absorb their flavours. This is why tofu based dishes (such as mapo tofu, often feature at least a little meat or fish, such as "mapo tofu".)


With the bean curd "skin":


*Hainanese style Chicken (with the most delicious ginger and scallion dipping sauce)


*dishes created from a mixture of stirfried vegetables, noodles (yam or tuber based noodles are pretty popular, depending on the dish), meat, tofu, mushrooms and fungi.

*a meat-based broth with any of the following ingredients: meat, multiple types of mushroom/ fungi, fresh leafy vegetables, sweet fruit (e.g. goji berries or Chinese dates), roots (e.g. lotus root, ginger, ginseng, a bunch of tubers which apparently have no English name other than the Latin classifier), various herbs and TCM related ingredients (again with the no English names, but also sometimes ingredients like “bird's nest” which is believed to be antiaging). Many of these ingredients are definitely not used for flavouring reasons primarily, but for medicinal reasons. Mostly though, broth-based soups can be very simple (just meat and a vegetable or two) or very complicated like an alchemic brew.

All of our traditional soups tend to look like this, with roughly chopped ingredients.


J once asked if I could brown the meat before you boiled it to make broth; and suggested that it would be a good idea for flavour. The answer was a resounding "NO!" It is no longer authentic anymore or following TCM principles, but hey, go for flavour if you want. (I can be weirdly dogmatic about certain small and possibly frivolous things, and this is an example of one of them; it just seemed like a terrible idea to me. I tried it anyway though; I didn't like it. When I ate this, I wanted to eat something that tastes Asian.)


*lots of hot tea, obviously. All varieties are consumed, pu'erh, red (what we call black tea, they call red), oolong, green, etc. (The Chinese traditionally have a thing where they believe that drinking too much cold or iced water is not good for your body, because it takes too much QI or biological energy to be heating it up constantly, so if you are older, sick, pregnant, or a menstruating woman, you will be expected to keep warming and only consume warm or hot things all of the time. J thinks this is dumb as hell, but I think there might be a logical basis to it. Particularly in the case that this arose in a time without modern heating and conveniences, and many places in Chinese are rural places, so they still don't have what we would consider modern heating or amenities. Life is harsher there; winter is fucking cold compared to what we are used to; lifestyle choices matter.)

Tea is serious fucking business to Chinese people, in the way that wine is very serious to some people, and some varieties are exorbitantly expensive. People also do tea tastings and take it very seriously, etc. A lot of homes with older Chinese people have this, for serving tea.  The grate surface below is for draining your cup between tastings, but yea, it's not usually served like this. This is for when you invite people over and you have fancy teas.


***Most of what you actually eat is actually cooked green leafy vegetables, like 50%+ of what you're eating is just that. And if you're not, a Chinese relative will appear and either start lecturing you or actively put food into your bowl, or start shoving in it your face with chopsticks (if you're very young).

***”FOLK MEDICINE”/SOUP: It's worth noting that traditional Chinese soups are particularly inseparable with the use of TCM concepts. Most ingredients are chosen for their medicinal qualities and fit into that yin/yang or hot/cold theory of the properties of foods and medicinals. It's all treated as one and the same thing, much like in Ayurveda. Tastes comes second, although many of them are also tasty too.

**If you are sick (or even if you're not, if you are stressed or if someone thinks you're going to get sick, or if you're getting older, and just for general health building purposes), an older Chinese woman is going to show you that she cares about you by shoving soup in your face and then pestering you to eat it (or alternatively, that she is obliged to care about you, haha. Sometimes this is very much seen as one and the same thing).


WOKS: Also, some tips about woks from my mom, also via my grandpa:

*MATERIAL: A wok should be thin and made of wrought iron or carbon steel (I suppose the wrought iron is the traditional material for woks). I have read that thicker woks are more sturdy and that a thin cast iron wok is likely to crack, but a good wok should be thin AND it should be able to last for years. A good wok should be able to last for a lifetime, and maybe you can even hand it down to a younger generation. Also, stainless steel woks don't work properly for traditional Canto cuisine. It doesn't heat up or distribute heat properly.

*TECHNIQUE: You want to let the wok heat up with oil for a while and blast the flame to max. (it's worth noting that most of our stoves, we can't really blast the heat high enough; all parts of the wok should be HOT.) By the time you drop any food in the wok, it should make an extremely loud aggressively sizzling sound. If you have sensitive hearing and it doesn't give you a headache, or if you have animals with sensitive hearing that don't run away from the sound of the hissing: congrats, you probably already fucked up your stirfry! (Now throw it out and start over, or finish your sad little stirfry and eat it in shame.) Anyway, make sure you pick an oil with a high smoke point otherwise it's bad for you, and also will ruin the flavour of whatever you're cooking (this is just generally the case with frying anything though).

*Stir your food constantly and thoroughly; don't leave it unattended. You have to babysit it, basically, until it's off the heat.

*Never, never overcook anything. Mostly nothing takes more than 5-10 minutes of actual cooking once the wok is properly heated up, even if cooking for a family, and if it is, you're probably overcooking it. You want to stop right before it's cooked in the wok, because the heat will cook it a little bit more once it's off the flame. So by the time you eat it, it will be cooked a perfect amount. Vegetables especially should be cooked thoroughly, but still be crisp and firm. If you overcook a stirfry, you will make older Asian people angry. If you are Chinese, you're going to bring shame to your ancestors. If not, you will be judged silently and aggressively, but you'll probably get a pass, I guess. :D

When I was younger, every serious wok that I have ever met was probably 3x my age, and looked battered and well used like it was too.


*CHINESE BUDDHIST CUISINE: Restaurants that are attached to Buddhist temples usually have amazing food. I have never been to a Buddhist temple that did not have good food. Why? I don't know, but maybe because there's been hundreds or possibly thousands of years to figure it out? When I used to go, I would usually get “Buddha's Delight” plus also some kind of deep-fried tofu with the “skin”, plus a seitan based dish (made from wheat gluten, which is the protein part) and a dish with stir-fried vegetables, etc. (usually this is too greasy though for my taste).


Buddha's Delight: usually there are at least 3-5 different kinds of mushrooms/fungi, glass vermicelli, lotus root (that root with the holes that you see below),  baby corn, a stirfried vegetable of some kind, multiple types of tofu, etc. It looks like the mix below has Ginko nuts (the yellow looking nut). The distinguishing feature of this dish is that it's always made with a lot of ingredients. Also, that black mushroom below on the far left? Delicious. I don't think it even has an English name, a number of mushrooms/fungi used in Chinese cuisine don't have English names, and most of them are extremely tasty and more flavourful than than what we use here typically. Also: extremely healthy with medicinal qualities.


In general though, East Asian and South East Asian Buddhist food is extremely delicious. “Vegetarian” there means vegan though exclusively because eggs are considered a meat and dairy is not a traditional food. (Likewise, I am pretty sure everywhere in India, milk products are a universal part of vegetarianism there, since animals don't need to be harmed in the making of those products, but eggs are also considered a nonvegetarian food).

Edited by modmyth
***puts on Anthony Bourdain chef hat***

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FAVOURITE RECIPES FROM MY MOM, HEALTHY EDITION: Both of my parents used to teach in Saudi Arabia, and my mom picked up a lot of good recipes directly from her expat friends, which I then learned from her. These are some of my favourite ones.

*TABBOULLEH, (Lebanese style): 2+ bunches of chopped parsley, bulgur/ cracked wheat (I usually do half a cup or a cup depending on how much I'm making), fresh lemon juice (1-2 lemons worth), extra virgin olive oil, salt.
Other editions: finely chopped mint, diced fresh tomatoes, diced cucumbers, scallions, diced raw onions. Sometimes I just do the basic ingredients, sometimes I add all of these.
1) You want to soak the bulgur/ cracked wheat for at least 20-30 minutes before you squeeze out all the water (which you can do by hand). Really though, you want to squeeze out as much water as you possibly can. Otherwise your salad will have too much liquid in it, and will just generally be too soupy in texture plus it will keep very poorly in the fridge.
2) Another important detail is that you want to chop the parsley as fine as humanly possible for Lebanese style. I think it tastes a lot better that way, but with other Middle Eastern variations of this dish, you chop it a lot more coarsely (e.g. Syrian style).
***From personal experience, use a very good EVOO and not a shitty one, because you can really ruin the flavour of the whole salad with a crappy olive oil... that is bitter and possibly cut with other oils.
WHEAT SUBSTITUTE/ not authentic: So if you're not eating wheat, I've been able to do these subs successfully, as in, it still tastes good and provides a good texture: cooked quinoa, as long as it's firm. Hemp hearts actually work really well here too, believe it or not, if you want to add extra protein and micronutrients, and you are also watching your carbs (it makes it keto, etc.) (I'm pretty picky too, for whatever it's worth.)

*ARAB STYLE COFFEE (Saudi Edition?): So you take about equal amounts of coffee beans (light roast, if you can find it?) and green cardamom pods. Grind it together in a coffee grinder, simmer it for a couple minutes, take it off the heat. Drink it as it.
I don't drink coffee black as I am caffeine sensitive and generally don't like the taste anyway (light roast and we'll talk), but if I do, this is the way to drink it. Cardamom is a known digestive, and it offsets both the bitterness of the coffee and the acidity of it very well.
From my understanding, coffee is serious business as a hospitality ritual for Saudis. So you might get invited over to someone's home for coffee and casual friendly conversation (or perhaps, a buisness deal). Traditionally this is served with dates and also sometimes with a spread of other snacks.

*CARROT SALAD (middle eastern style, not sure if this belongs to any specific country really): Grated carrots, fresh lemon juice, extra virgin olive oil, salt, a pinch of sugar or sweetener. (The pinch of sugar makes a much bigger difference than you might expect.) Very simple, but also super delicious.


Also, this recipe for Masala Chai, which I posted in another thread:

Homemade Masala Chai, from Scratch:

1) cardamom pods (10 to 12)
2) whole cloves (4-6)
3) fresh ginger (a couple thin slices, chopped roughly)
3) cinnamon sticks (2)
4) black peppercorns (4-8)
Loose leaf black tea (I usually used to 2-3 tablespoons)

(other possible additives which I don't use: star anise, fennel)

I got this recipe from my mom who apparently got this from an Indian friend, and it calls for whole spices. For whatever reason, there was no grinding in the original recipe, and it was just boiling the spices for about 20 minutes, and then steeping the tea while boiling it, then adding milk. But you can also take the whole spices and then grinding them very coarsely (just enough to break open the cardamom seeds and pulverize everything a bit) with a coffee grinder or with a mortar and pestle, if you happen to have the latter. It tastes much better than using preground spices (and perhaps the medicinal effects are more potent as well), and tastes a million times better than anything that's made with a syrup, or like... Starbucks or something, so it's totally worth the extra effort.

If you crush the spices, you only need to boil it for about 5 minutes top, add the tea leaves and turn down the heat and boil it for another minute, then add the milk and the sweetener. Strain it into a teapot or cup.

Any kind of milk or milk substitute works pretty well, as well as sweetener (or sweetener substitute).

NOTE: This is for a very cardamom heavy blend since I like it, and goes light on the cloves because the flavour of cloves tends to dominate everything else. Most blends I've tried have way too many cloves for my taste, but definitely you should customize it to your taste! IMO cardamom and cinnamon sticks benefit the most from being crushed, and if you don't break open the cardamom pods, you need to add a lot more of it to get any flavour. 

BONUS: all of these spices have medicinal effects and are extremely good for digestion.

Edited by modmyth

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CANTONESE CUISINE, Non-westernized Edition 2: Commonly Used Mushrooms and Fungi + A Note about Herbal Soups

Dried shiitake mushrooms: So.... I literally just learned that this is a shitake. (Thanks mom, haha.) We just call these brown/ black mushrooms when translating it from Chinese to English.


You can also get the fresh ones here locally. I've used both, and texturally speaking and even flavourwise, rehydrated shitakes and fresh shitakes are quite different. No wonder I thought they were completely different mushrooms. Anyway, the dried version is used for a lot of dishes here. I honestly have no idea why, since we can get the fresh ones. (It's cheaper, maybe?)


Enoki mushrooms, which I've only ever seen fresh here. I'm actually not sure what we use this for in Chinese cooking. Hot pot, probably? If you cook them with noodles, their texture blends in quite well.


Straw mushrooms: I have never seen outside of a can locally. We often put this in "Buddha's Delight" and at least a few other Chinese vegetarian dishes.


Oyster mushrooms: They work well for stirfries. You can get these fresh here.


King Oyster Mushrooms: The King Oyster mushroom looks like this, and is pretty much all stalk. IT has a really meaty texture and works really well as a meat substitute. You also can get these fresh here.


Snow/ white fungus: It has the most satisfying texture: it's both very chewy and slightly crisp. It's very neutral tasting, so whatever you cook it in, it will take on that flavour. Probably for that reason, it is used it both sweet and savory soups, as well as in other savory dishes. My mom used to tell me, eat this, it's good for your skin. Honestly, I don't know what the rationale behind that was, haha. Anyway, cooked, it becomes translucent like in the image below. I've only ever seen in sold dry in packages.

Packet-of-Snow-fungus.jpg  807d6c3d816a379a5e7e0a2716469ebf.jpg

Wood Ear Fungus: It's really, really, satisfyingly chewy, with a slightly savory flavor. Cloud Ear fungus is a different one, but it is used for similar purposes. I'm pretty sure I've had both, and the texture and thickness are noticeably different. 


Cooked, it looks like this:


**** How to rehydrate dried fungus/ mushrooms: You want to soak it for multiple hours, possibly overnight if soaking it in cold water (which is the way my mom usually did it). Snow fungus rehydrates pretty quickly (maybe an hour), wood ear takes longer. The shitakes probably take overnight. Anyway, no harm is done by soaking it a little bit longer. You can also rehydrate them in warm water in about 30mins to 1 hour depending on what you're using, but it might affect the flavour and texture, so generally, cold water rehydration is better. If you stirfry anything, dry it off well first.

HERBAL SOUP// LUK MEI TONG: A traditional herbal soup recipe, also very nostalgic for me. Some aren't very tasty. This one is. All of the ingredients are either neutral or slightly sweet. All of the ingredients you buy dried and imported.


ALSO: Here are some descriptions and pictures of ingredients most commonly used in Chinese Herbal Soups, if you happened to be interested. Out of the ingredients listed, goji berries, astragalus root would be considered adaptogens.


Edited by modmyth

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Occasionally I have had this conversation with J; he grew up eating mainly Westernized food almost entirely, but also was just generally familiar with different sort of cuisines, which is inevitable when you grow up in Metro Vancouver. He does not get the concept of Chinese dessert soups at all. I had explained to him before, that traditionally, Chinese people don't do desserts, not really. Our idea of dessert is basically dessert soup, and a few other things like Chinese mochi (sticky rice balls), tofu pudding, etc. There are versions of dessert soup all over East Asia and South East Asia though.

GRASS JELLY: Oh, and there is grass jelly. My mom would buy it in cans and just eat it with a spoon, saying that it was very "cooling" and therefore good to eat during the summer. I thought this looked gross as a kid, and therefore I was convinced it was also going to taste gross. As an adult, I've developed a healthy appreciation for it. It has a slightly herbal taste. With a hint of ash.


Tofu Pudding:



*almond dessert soup (this is a Hong Kong thing, I think.)

*black sesame soup (This is possibly the most old school Chinese dessert ever. I would also get a "drink this, it's good for your skin and hair", which is probably true.)

*red bean soup (to make this recipe more "authentic", what you want to do is cook it with dried mandarin peel. This is used in a lot of Chinese recipes, including herbal soups that are otherwise savory with added salt, and yes, it is used for both TCM medicinal reasons but also to add flavour as well.)

*mung bean soup


*sago soup, taro soup, etc., often with tapioca pearls, made with coconut milk

*black sticky rice soup:

dfedc9b15ecdf41724873fe342129bf0.blackgl (NOTE: the use of evaporated milk in this particular recipe marks it as a Hong Kong variation. Say, if you ever go into a Hong Kong diner, which is a fusion of Cantonese style cuisine and Western food, Hong Kong-style milk tea and coffee is always made with evaporated milk which comes in a can; it gives in a particular flavour. For many years in Hong Kong, like in the 60s and 70s while mom was growing up, fresh milk was simply not available; it had to be imported in the form of canned milk products like evaporated milk and condensed milk (two very different products, one is highly liquid and unsweetened, even though it's concentrated, and the other one is highly sugared and gives it the thick texture, and is also probably more boiled down, not sure.)

"CHINESE MOCHI": boiled sticky rice dumplings (it's basically just made of sticky rice flour mixed with water), often filled with sesame, red bean paste, or crushed peanuts with sugar. Nontraditional versions might have something like chocolate inside, or some other flavouring. Then you boil it in a brown sugar syrup which is made from brown sugar stacks like this, maybe add some ginger while boiling the syrup or just leave it plain.    


You want to use sugar like this though, if you can find it.



The taste of Chinese brown sugar is extremely nostalgic to me. We always had this around the house growing up. I think this might be similar to Indian jaggery, but I'm not sure. This sugar does have its place in TCM, but it's worth noting that Chinese desserts are only slightly sweetened compared to Western palates (maybe with the exception of the syrup for the sticky rice balls). As a culture, traditionally we don't have big sweet tooths, although exposure to other cuisines and modern foods has changed that, probably.

The darker one is called "black sugar". This is an unrefined sugar product made from sugarcane juice, so none of the minerals are refined out of the final product.



Edited by modmyth
Sticky rice is the worst carb bomb ever. Sigh.

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*RESIDUAL FEELINGS/ Confirmation Bias?/ ON BEING A USER: For the last few years, at this point, I feel like I'm just a prop or tool to help people process their feelings... so you can have a new life, with a new partner, a fresh start. And probably that's for the best, anyway, or I have tended to think this way. Process of elimination. Only be here with me if you really, really, really want to be with me. Because I'm sure what you actually want is someone with fewer issues, who is easier to deal with. Really, I'm doing you a favour and you don't realize it yet, probably.

(And also, you don't actually like me, do you? You like me when I'm a boon, which is the way of the world. Or maybe you're here because 'karma' forces you to be. So here I am, making it more difficult than ever for you to love me by showing you all this shit, here and everywhere. I even drew you a map and created an itinerary. Let's see if you get distracted or if you leave. Makes sense, clearly.)

I didn't want anything from my "past" life that didn't belong, but I also I wasn't anticipating the amount of hate and resentment I would continue to feel. I actually thought, after the circumstances of my early life, mostly I was done with it all. During and after last summer, I learned that apparently I was not. Like a tether that keeps dragging me back into a past that I thought I had managed to incinerate properly; it didn't work out how I thought it would have.

STUPID TESTS GIVE STUPID RESULTS: So I've wanted to see who will willingly walk away from me. And if you do, well, good (for the most part). That means you wanted to leave. And in the case, you were just itching for the opportunity to cash out (not that I can blame you), so go give yourself a gold star and never talk to me ever again. This sort of emotional logic. Even if this happened on a level that was not entirely conscious, even if it's at that point where it's still some inseparable aspect of your identity; you reap what you sow anyway. So if I don't get overly attached, that's fine, whatever. Business as usual. But I had.  So I am settling into this reality: the last handful of years was the worst mistake of my life I had to make.

So I've wanted to purge all these past life associations too. There is a reason why I originally avoided or wanted to avoid all people that I instinctively had some kind of karmic attachment or bond with, in the case that it happens to be a very intense bond. I know that finding something reliable in there is a lie, whatever it was that I needed. It's just more baggage and shit. My first instinct was correct, as it pretty much always is. Disasters happen when you ignore your gut intuition. But at the very least, this tendency to walk away has been resolved.

*NOTE TO SELF: Destroy everything that I can here at the level of the collective (un)consciousness.

I suppose.... this is not how I pictured my life after 30, how I pictured it working out. If this is a relatively clean slate psychoemotionally, this is not what I pictured as being my physical circumstances. There was never much I actually wanted from life, strictly for myself, and so I never bothered to ask for much. In the grand scheme of things, beyond your conscious awareness, you reap what you sow here as well. 10Ish years ago, when I was thinking about whether I wanted to go or to stay (alive); I only asked for what is the bare minimum for accomplishing anything properly in my life, but this is an extremely high bar. You know, just a certain level of karmic resolution of everything, complete psychoemotional resolution and clarity. And also, to be freed of the worry of constantly thinking, is my life like this, is it in the right place, is the best I can do with it, blah blah blah blah; that is always a relief. Then I am freed to make the best of it without excessive attachment or worry; this is actually the best possible outcome.

MISANTHROPY?: I guess that I was hoping that I would be more open, more trusting, and more optimistic. In theory, optimism is obtainable in the sense that you can cultivate it as an attitude (“build that emotional equity/ bank account); but that's not the issue. I thought I would want to be around people more than I do, that I would feel less separate from people ultimately, and less... different? I also thought I would be less distrusting in the pragmatic sense (as opposed to the paranoid sense, which is rooted in one personal trauma or another). But the truth is I still don't want to be around people very much; mostly I just want to work on something all the time, mostly by myself (and at this point, be around J). Is all this just a case of confirmation bias, on an extremely deep level? Probably.


Edited by modmyth

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SOMETHIN' STUPID// this is a ridiculous post in every way.

*RARE DRUNK: Yesterday I have a whole list of things I didn't do, if not mostly because of the evening. J made me a milkshake with bourbon in it. At some point, I may have posted that 1) I don't drink except for once in a blue moon 2) I'm alcohol intolerant/ allergic, so if I drink anything more than enough to get lightly drunk, I get really red in the face 3) I am the cheapest drunk. So I got buzzed for a while and decided that folding origami and watching Bojack Horseman was the best idea ever, even if it took extra concentration to make the folds properly, haha. I woke up this morning and looked at all the shit I made, lying on my desk: a rose, a crane, 5 lotus flowers, seal. Also, a rabbit which failed, because I could not make sense of the instructions, which happens sometimes. I spent at least 15 minutes trying to figure out that one stupid fold. I was going to give J all of the lotus flowers in a little bowl with little blue rocks and shit so he could put it on his desk and use it as decor, because apparently drinking means I turn into some kind of arts and crafts Martha Stewart?


ORIGAMI: As a kid, it used to upset me that I was never able to make my folds as nice as my mom's folds. Like, are my hands broken?

*Just generally, I have the urge to write him poems, write letters, and give all sorts of sentimental small stuff. Thus the origami. It's very circa 12-13 years ago.

*“UNCONDITIONAL LOVE”/LOYALTY: I also spent a while telling him everyone else kind of sucks (or sucks a lot) and he was the best. Like you're the only person who I truly trust (which is true) (even as I also say, the outcome of my life is my doing or responsibility, whether I had conscious control of it or not).

Also scrolling over my messages to him last night...: apparently I was feeling very sentimental towards him and just sexually, in general:
Your cock is an inspiration
To young cocks everywhere.
I'll write an acceptance speech for it
To present at the academy of c*cks.


(Sent as four different messages. What is this, a poem? Also, why did I decide to censor out the last word?)

For Emotional Reference:


Edited by modmyth
Those messages were a lot funnier last night// vibe seemed way more on point, haha.

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SPEAK WITH THE VOICE// THINGS I RELEASE, IN A STATE OF HIGH CONSCIOUSNESS: so this is probably a matter of persistence and belief more than anything, at this point.

THE LANGUAGE OF GOD: When scripting or doing affirmations, all of the power comes from the state or quality of your consciousness, how "high" or how "positive" ("whole" might be a better term) it is (you speak as it for, how energetic you are, and what you deliberately imbue into that intention. It gives words all the power in the world, or else words and thoughts have comparatively little power at all. Intention (words/ actions/ thought) done in perfect consciousness have the power to create anything, to resolve anything. This is... actually, quite literal.

*FULL FACTORY RESET: all pain, memory, karma. Collective and personal. All attachments, all energetic cords. The karma of this life and past lives. All consciousness, and the unconsciousness. Expectations, desires, history. Images of the past. My visions, to which I attached emotional significance. Beliefs. Large chunks of psyche and thinking in certain ways. I do keep a little, just not very much. Just toss it all out, and do it cleanly. (J, you are my link to my past life in this body, and I have your momento; I called it back. So thank you.)

*ANCHOR POINTS: I am reshaping my psyche so that I am unable to consciously reanchor myself in the past, on objects, situations, and people that cause me pain and discontent. It's really important that you don't use this capacity to simple avoid the past, and in the case that you are unable to deal with the past properly and remove all traces of it in your psyche, inevitably you will pay for it. See 2 posts ago. I have to break the habit of thinking like that and writing these retrospectives. But it's somewhat challenging to not run with impulse and do in a forceful or violent way still, and using psychoemotional suppression isn't an option (with what subconscious?); I just have to do it properly.

Why do I still have this urge to explain myself, to be understood? (This includes explaining myself to myself.) Or to make a certain part of my past make sense in a certain way? Why do I want to keep looking at my own personal Sodom and Gorromah? That is what's getting in the way. Complete waste of time.

*PSYCHIC PURGING AND REWRITING: combing back over my last few posts carefully, and see what to rewrite/ release. Probably I should go back and check everything for the last page or two, at least.

Edited by modmyth

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SEX AND DISCIPLINE AND PUNISH//"DEAR GOD": At some point, probably around puberty, I made an implicit agreement with myself to stop using sex/ my sexuality as means to try to fix this or that, a means of distracting myself from circumstances and the past with pleasure. As a means to turn away. For all the ways in which it doesn't work, I can be an extreme hot mess. It can easily and unconsciously become a tether that drags me down. Instinctively, I had been avoiding this.

It really is hard for me to articulate how difficult it has been to avoid putting myself in um... situations that cause temptation? And then extracting myself from said situations. Where I am not just offered what I want constantly in a sexual sense? (Or at least, a shot at it, for when promises don't necessarily deliver, haha.) My whole life since puberty is putting the brakes on. (I'd like to add that it's definitely a natural part of my personality, and not just a response to a traumatic past, as I do know myself well enough.)

But goddamn, if it doesn't work specularly when it does. It is probably the quickest way to not stop fixating on this and that, the past, things that I can't fix, solve, or make sense of.. because it's unfixable stuff. And that's why it's so addictive, and that's also why I'm so cautious as well, and why I try to take the harder route when possible. This tendency to be high energy and curious/ novelty-seeking so easily turns on itself and incapacitates.

I have been wondering when I could stop pushing against my own grain, but the habit is woven so deeply into me now. It's another one of things where breaking the habit has taken more time and energy than expected to undo a lifetime's worth of conditioning in this area and many other areas. Lately, I've been writing, writing, writing mostly. Keeping schedule. Thinking of the future and what must be done in this world. Being regimented, and releasing the gas valves because I have this tendency to be very extreme in everything that I dedicate myself to, and I want to be working as close as possible to my own personal set of limits. I do actually forget about sex completely sometimes if I am very obsessed and preoccupied with something else. But everyone needs a break from the tyranny that is routine.

J: You reach inside me and pull all these feelings right outside of me. I can't help myself for the ways in which it's written all of my face, my body; I love you. Also, you are a legit wizard. In the sack.

Currently dancing naked to Duran Duran.

SEXUAL MANIA: It's a feature, not a bug, ok?

Can we separate the extremity of experiencing a phenomenon (like experiencing something very richly and sensitivity), at full intensity and force, from the lack of ability to control oneself completely? Yea, probably it makes it a lot harder, well everything is easier to control and have in perfect order when you're having a lukewarm and perfectly even experience toward everything. Everything is under control and you are perfectly sane according to whatever cultural rubrix which passes as the final say in what is, got it.

OPENNESS vs. SEGMENTATION: We also have to stop framing sanity as the ability to compartmentalize in extreme ways that can only end up making you seriously ill in some way or another. A lot of our psychoemotional issues come from this directly, You want self-control and conscious awareness (except when you don't, haha), but you don't want to be extremely emotionally retentive with a stick up your ass. Unfortunately it can be pretty hard to get the former without also getting a heaping dose of the latter. How this usually ends up working is that some environments are the right space to be more retentive and controlled, and often there are a great number of rules to follow and you must really restrain your energy; and then other spaces, you can let it loose more. And if you don't let it out, you create a lot of problems; inevitably you are clamping down on the expression of creative energy directly. It is especially the case when we are conditioned into this mode of living as opposed to choosing to live in this way directly, this causes a lot of psychoemotional problems and suffering directly.

THE COST OF CIVILIZATION: If you split yourself up like this, or find yourself split up like this, then you need to find a way to make all of these aspects of yourself be in communion, to communicate with each other, and to stay connected, even if a certain kind of segregation is needed in your life (most of us need this in order to live in society; it's what it is). All of these aspects of yourself need to be on the same page. How this usually works is you have a universal set of working ethics or praxis; an approach to life. An understanding of what you value the most in a clear and concise way, and a general understanding of how everything else in your life fits into this. For your own sake, it's best that you're absolutely consistent and open with yourself in this way, because the price of not doing so is... yourself.

FULLY IMMERSED EXPERIENCES: That there is even an issue with framing it as extreme, internally in relation to oneself and to other people, is part of the issue in the first place. A sort of stigmatization. Making it acceptable often seems to be a matter of creating the right social context for it, depending on the preexisting culture (e.g. religion, even drugs).

So there is at the core of this: an issue of openness, receptivity and sensitivity (the former two relate more explicitly towards the orientation of your perception, in an ethical sense (as in, what do you personally value), vs. the ordering aspects of one's consciousness. It doesn't have to be made into an issue, but it is.

LET GO: At some point, hopefully you let go of the cultural tyranny which has defined and shaped your experience up to this point, complete. At some point, you've been using a million brakes and holding yourself back in a million different ways, and you just have to kick off all of those brakes and just trust. To take that risk with yourself in a way that other people might just question your sanity. And then, to get to the point where it is no issue even, to trust or not to trust. To toss mostly all of it out, and then to just start taking steps towards the unknown.

Life is exploration.

Edited by modmyth
Duran Duran: Weird way to relieve my past, minus all of the former imprints.

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FUTURE (IMPOSSIBLE) GOALS// REBIRTH: the rules and guideposts keeping shifting in psychic space rather rapidly now, for me. This is the big fish: for about 10+ years I have been anticipating that this may be THE most important thing that I do with my life, and yet I'm not overly concerned about not achieving any of this one way or another. What comes from this, I guess I will see. But I am in a good place to start.

*RUNNING THROUGH THE INFORMATION LABRINYTH: So I need to find a way to get all information, human knowledge, into the palm of my hand. Because this is where it belongs. I already have the intuition/ knowledge that I have pretty much everything I need, along all the prerequisite experience of being alive and embedding myself in culture, understanding enough about how people learn, process, and perceive currently, what issues are being faced collectively, etc. I have deprogrammed my mind enough so that I have enough “emptiness” or flexibility to be able to alter my functioning. Let's just say there is a reason why I am doing this now and not when I was younger, because many aspects of my upbringing were not ideal with this too; I had to unlearn how I was taught to learn, and unperceive how I was taught to perceive. How is this going to work in detail, I am not totally sure, but all of the most important aspects of the future have already been written. There is a reason why in one of my other journals (METACOG:) I have dictated the future of information as it is going to be. Because I have a linchpin role in bringing it into existence. Everyone is certainly welcome to have at it though. But for the most part, I have been reacting to issues that no one has explicitly asked to be solved, yea?

TOO MUCH INFO: Say, since my late teens/ early 20s, I have been concerned with the state of all information, and by extension, all culture, all art, all knowledge academic and otherwise, and concerned about the sprawling atomization and suburbanization of information itself. In academia, as an example: one field has no idea what another field is doing for the most part, even though there has been a progressive trend towards interdisciplinary practices. But still, even that? Not enough. Not quite right. And for the most part, one hand doesn't know what the other hand is doing, what the foot is going to do. The head might as well just have floated away...

Apparently the solution to this is to become all information. All art. All knowledge. I mean, it already all exists anyway. Obviously. …...

THE SOUL OF THE MATTER: I think the basis of it is something like this, put simply: I need to tap into the soul or the essence of information, in whatever source it comes from. This is the intent of the writer, the 'soul' of the writer, the soul of the book/ information source, the collective consciousness of information itself, the collective consciousnesses... all mixed together, technically unseperate in the way all things are, as a sort of conscious soup, for a lack of a better way to explain it. From this point, you work downwards, ALWAYS a top-down approach and this allows you to rapidly read/ process whatever's already existing in written form. You are in a sense, reading it multiple times from multiple angles and perspectives... in a totally unified way. And I am, also in another sense then, aware of reading what's already been read, because it's already been written (This is the link to the collective consciousness, I think).

A SIDDHI OF KNOWLEDGE: I think... this is at the heart of a certain childhood superpower. I could walk through a library, and touching books by the spine or cover, get a strong sense of what's inside of them. (the soul of the book.) It was not uncommon at all for me to get a feeling about whether I would like a book even before I had a chance to really process what the title was about, etc., and also impressions about the author, the integrity of a book ideologically speaking. So if I focus a little bit more because I feel a certain desire that comes from my heart, then more starts to come to me. In retrospect now, I am remembering the ways in which my conscious awareness was molding itself around specific texts, so the exact approach. Desire itself played a massive role in being able to latch on to the soul of a book or information and absorb it rapidly, in a sense.

So then I was able to read it very rapidly, not in a strictly linear way, but with better information retention and accessibility than I could if I read word by word. Which is horrible, by the way. And also, for whatever reason, I have always been able to both access and interpret in complex ways while reading (as in I have multiple lines of interpretation often happening simultaneously) and this also has been the case since I was a child. This is my natural mode of processing, as I had inherited it. I think that this ability or the ability to adapt this correctly will be essential for the future.

So I think on some level, I have always come from this BASE perspective. ALL THINGS ARE KNOWN.

“THE CONCEPTUAL WORLD”: There is another level here where my mind seems to be moving around a lot of information at a speed that I am aware of as being “extremely rapid” but is actually only made possible because it's already done out of time. (Fun fact: everything starts as being outside of time, and ultimately everything is anyway.) But is completely outside of language or any kind of symbolic system.

“GNOSIS”: Without a better way to describe it, it is like a bare-bones “stub” of what information is before it's translated into any kind of symbolic communication, whether images, words, language, etc. I guess you could describe it as being in a sort of compressed state that allows me to apprehend instantaneously? And from that point, you can unpack it as it is, and/or reshape it into something else. This usually takes more time and energy, working with these “bits” in a relatively unpacked mode, as I have learned how to process more as other people do, which from my perspective has... really been muddling through everything in terms of efficiency and actual result. Like, why do people work with ideas in that way? It's so... unclean and inefficient. (Obviously, I know it's not a choice.)

Anyway, so say you have a moment of inspiration and you know what you're dealing with before you actually have yet to process it in a conscious way any sort of detail, like you just KNOW it's going to work out and it does. And you also just somehow KNOW what it's about. If you've ever had that sort of inspiration, what I'm describing has much in common with this. Except what I described here is like comparable to like... one letter in an alphabet. One complete and cohesive idea; a letter. And what I must do with all of this is form words, sentences, language somehow. To make meaning of it and to make something cohesive of it all.

GOD CONSCIOUSNESS: But if there is another secret to all of it, it is this: At any level, whether the infinitesimally small, or the large. In the complex and the simple; “God” does not distinguish between one and the other ultimately, scale is of no object and significance. The quantity of information and stimuli is not significant. Time is of no significance. What I mean, is that there is no difference at a base/ core level in terms of accessibility and understanding, and inhabiting it fully: 1 second, a 0.00001 milliseconds, or 10,000 years. There is no difference between apprehending an atom and a universe, or running 1 process and focusing on it fully, or running an "impossible" amount of processes simultaneously, and then perceiving it all in absolute clarity (because there is no intrinsic conflict or division there). And from here, a lot of things that are otherwise completely impossible, now are possible to you. So many things are only possible with the right perspective.

So what is the end result of all of this? I have to synthesize a new mind with new abilities. The shape of my psyche must be readapted to fit the purpose and the times somehow. (Note: in METACOG somewhere semi-recently, I have compared people's minds to the shape of needles, with the point of needle being people's conscious capacity to absorb, and the needle being the subconscious backlog of shit that is created in the process + the subconscious in general. I have said that my mind is naturally more like a sieve in its ability to contain and absorb.)

1) The massively souped-up ability to process information, interpret it, and make order of it at a level which would just generally be considered completely impossible. In terms of scale or amounts of information the ability to retain and work with details or ideas on any scale, and to run and keep track of multiple processes... as rapidly or instantaneously as possible. (This is... the sort of intention you set. How it works out as you work it out, probably a different matter.)

2) The ability to work flawlessly with aconceptual/non-symbollic information (these “packets” or “stubs”) in conjunction with conceptual and symbolic information, so that I can communicate this one way or another properly. At a sufficient speed.

3) Everything needs to be reorganized or reprioritized, or made much much more clear or directly accessible in some way or another, unified or made to speak with each other in some way or another.  I had anticipated for many years that there was going to be a deeper change at the level of information processing and understanding collectively, which even transcends the medium through which it tends to be taken in (which means, this is fundamentally an issue of conscious awareness and processing first).

To achieve what ends exactly, other than to bring it all as one, or in one place? There is something or some things to be solved here clearly. I don't exactly know what yet. But it has to be done. (As it already has been done, as all things have.)

Edited by modmyth
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH: We are processing amongst multiple lines or trains of focus most of the time, even when we think we're just focusing on one thing.

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