modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

792 posts in this topic

COLLECTIVE ENLIGHTENMENT// Some Notes about the Previous Post:

***My experience probably isn't going to be your experience; my 'higher' self took on this experience for a number of specific reasons. When I was 16 and reading a book of Coleman Bark's translations of Rumi, this poem, "Quietness", was my favourite, and kind of emblematic of my life philosophy this whole time, which is really don't make things more difficult for yourself than it has to be on a conscious level or the level of choice. Shit's hard enough as it is already. Please do the "Quietness" version of reintegration and Embodiment if you are given the option unless your soul calls you to this... and you have a love affair with truly testing your strength, no serious aversions to risking your life and your sanity, and really examining certain aspects and manifestations of Absolute Love.

***There was a price that I wanted to pay, and many things I wanted to face for humanity directly (so people don't have to in full force) so we collectively could all get as close as possible to the "Quietness" version of the resolution, which is the instantaneous and relatively painless version. But reality is rarely that simple, huh? We're all still getting a bit of the adventure-through-crazy-town version. TIME and mass synchronization is actually the main issue though. Alternatively, take the condensed version, and view it from the outside (while still being on the inside). Experience it in a bad drug trip or a dream as opposed to doing it for a whole lifetime. (This is a serious invitation actually, most likely to those in future lifetimes, to walk through my shoes properly and understand what I have done.)

***There is nothing left to do for the collective consciousness in waking up in this way anymore, IMO. So if you have something in you that is drawn to this something... just make sure what you're doing is worth it, and take care of yourself. I have the love of a fight or conflict in me, so it's easy enough for me to find value in this. Your expectations and intentions can really play a role in perpetuating dynamics like this into the future even if there's nothing left to do. I'm done with this, anyhow. For this life and all future lives.

***How do you react when faced with fear or fight-or-flight? With atrocity? With unconsciousness and pain? "Ugliness"? In the heart of it all? Why walk away from it when you can push the margins of this further and further, and walk deeper in? What does it mean to have an experience of all of this in full consciousness (relatively speaking), before it is inevitably dissolved by looking directly at it? To look at it in meticulous and excruciating and loving detail? This is a certain type of path. RIP.

Quietness:

Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You're covered with thick cloud.
Slide out the side.  Die,
and be quiet.  
Quietness is the surest sign
that you've died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence

The speechless full moon
comes out now.

Edited by modmyth
My agenda isn't so different than Matt Kahn in this way. 2) It kind of doesn't work out properly if you're not both insular and self absorbed on purpose. Literally, incubating.

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PURGE POST INC.// LOOK AT CUTE SHIT, OK??:

5:10, for adorable, slippery bread loaf. 5:15 for maximum loaf status. :D

It's basically a puppy without legs, but covered in few extra squishy layers.

So these squirrels are native to the Pacific Northwest. For the longest time, the boy (I'm just going to start calling him "J") thought these were babies. We had never seen a larger version of these cute little pippins, because they are grown up! Mostly, they're shier around people than the regular grey/ black/ brown squirrels you see (which are usually at least twice the size), which are actually an invasive species from Europe, along with other plants/ organisms such as English Ivy and blackberry. They can also get really aggressive and sassy though, and will start fights with much larger squirrels. Mostly, the angry territorial squirrel noises are coming from them; you hear the "chatter" a lot in the park near my house coming from high up in the trees. SO CUTE.

Maybe one day I'll have my very own pocket ninja. :D

Edited by modmyth
I have a soft spot for creatures that are tiny, adorable, and rage-filled. And squishy. Also, furry.

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SENTIMENTALISM/ "DEALIENIZATION"/ UNIVERSAL EMPATHY: A few posts ago, I referenced Alien as a sort of allegory for spiritual eminence/ emergence. But actually, after rewatching Alien multiple times some years back, the more I started feeling sympathetic for the Alien and wondering about its perspective. Can you imagine what an alien environment feels like... for an alien? What if it was actually highly sentient and terrified and fighting for its survival, and it just killed all the humans reflexively? What if it was having an existential crisis about growing up on a ship all alone and having to make sense of shit by itself? I totally want to see this from the alien's perspective.

I had a similar reaction when I watched Jurassic World and the giant hybrid T-rex looking creature died, like when I had that vision about the trex (also written about above); I wanted to cry. RIP that dino. Legitimately, I thought it was ugly-cute. Which just makes it cute, really.

(This is usually where I get the: modmyth, you are very strange comments or looks. Note to self: I think my human disguise is cracking.)

Also, let's be honest. Cats are adorable, but the real villain of this movie is:

This cat and a number of other cats I have met will probably make this expression if they watch you die, and also, will probably eat your dead body if there's no other food. Pretty sure we're all being mind-controlled by toxoplasmosis (a parasite) to like them anyway. :D (BTW, I used to have a pet cat and he was awesome. I love cats, but they're kind of like furry adorable Satans sometimes, yea?). Anyway, can you imagine looking at that face as you die? PROBABLY THE CAT WAS MINDCONTROLLING THE ALIEN WITH TOXIOPLASMOSIS ON PURPOSE. (Or were the crew members mind-controlled into just generally making irrational and bold decisions and then just walked into the alien's face and then died.)

On Anthrocentrism/ Speciesism: UGLY CREATURES HAVE FEELINGS TOO, OK? IT'S NOT ITS FAULT WE THINK IT'S UGLY. (This is how I actually feel about the number of species that are going extinct because of a lack of conservation efforts// just a general lack of attention to our impact on natural spaces, meanwhile, a huge amount of effort is put into getting the pandas to reproduce and to protect them in the wild because they are adorable, and also pretty much the official mascot of China.)

I get really sad when I think of a really ugly toad that went instinct, and then no one knew or cared. Biodiversity people, even if you're not that sentimental. 

Edited by modmyth
CAPS FOR PLAYFUL CONSPIRACY THEORIES// but like, there's actually research on this subject.

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On Parasites in General: So I haven't done a ton of reading on this subject, but I definitely might scour scientific journals because it's a really fascinating topic, like some of the stuff that has come out of research in microbiology in the last 20 years is fascinating, and also in that trickle-down effect, is in the process of changing public perception in terms of how we view the various microorganisms and creatures that are living within us. (Like, we are planet Earth for a whole host of organisms, and to planet Earth, mostly the lot of us are the micro organisms.) instinct and just general extracurricular scientific reading suggest that our relationship with parasites is probably much more symbiotic than we generally consider it to be, but it probably depends on a variety of factors such as the host itself, the health of the host, the environment in which the relationship between parasite and host developed. Our bodies are hardly inert, and sometimes I think about and I very much feel and perceive intensely how things are changing in our bodies in relatively short increments of time, from moment by moment. (Sometimes, I am looking directly in on my body on that cellular level.) Anyway, a lot of parasites we have are specifically because of the conditions and implements of civilization, our environments, our changed eating habits as a result.  Stress, our mental and emotional states, etc. Our beliefs, even, by extension.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if we are much more reliant on them than we realize or just generally care to think about, because gross. In general, perception is shifting towards the overall health of the immune system, robustness, and bodily equilibrium on a universal level? So we need a flawless symbiosis more than anything, then, not a genocide. I just really just don't know about Toxo though, haha.

***I hope more research comes out on the sort of direct relationship between thought/ emotion and parasites. There has already been quite a bit coming out now about the relationship between bacteria (it's mostly in relation to gut flora though, I think) and psychoemotional health and states. Here's to hoping that it gets much more focused and nuanced in general, and hopefully to the start of another golden age of scientific research within my lifetime, and the sort of excitement and energy that comes with one.

UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE: Anyway, with this issue of "mind control", all connections go two ways. Yes, you can communicate with cells, microorganisms. Observe. Speak. Command (or not). Cellular consciousness and self awareness is a specific sort of awareness, a specific subset of particle awareness in general. A lot of potential for direct healing and understanding here in general, where you are interfacing directly in this way. A lot will happen here in the future, for sure.

Since I started to do a little reading on this topic again// filing this info away:

https://www.livescience.com/56529-strange-facts-about-toxoplasma-gondii-parasite.html 

https://www.sciencealert.com/we-finally-know-how-the-mind-altering-cat-parasite-controls-our-immune-response

Edited by modmyth

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6 am thoughts// MOVING INTO RETROSPECTIVE MODE:

*2-6 am: when I managed to stay up, was usually when my mind used to go haywire with existential thoughts. Like all the thoughts that I would not normally think and feel during the day, that would not arise naturally, and I would prefer not to think either. The rhythm of the day made suppression automatic. There was a certain clarity and stillness in those morning hours that would cause those thoughts to rise to the surface. At times I was brutally lonely, especially 10ish years ago, for the ways I that I was not connected, couldn't be consciously connected, and didn't want to anyway. About one year ago: that was the most brutally lonely period of my life, so it was all coming to a head: always following the same old rule: make sure no one sees you when you die. The mother of it all is to be dying like that in plain sight of other people. Oh yea, I'm totally fine. In retrospect? I knew I had to die, was willing to die, but still, I'm not happy with anyone who had the pretense of either being around or watching me during that time period.

*SUBMERGE: It's the same thing lately. Unhappiness or loneliness comes up? Submerge. Memory and the past come up? Submerge. Nothing seems to release properly into psychic space until grip is released on it; so it appears from here. Opening up the heart to release all of this seems to be the hardest thing, especially doing in a nonforceful or violent way. Purge those associations and memories. There is no love or memory of love, or lack of love. And these questions which easily run themselves endlessly until they exhaust themselves and destroy you in the process are put down in that way. They never go anywhere by design.

*ERASE: the emotional imprints off my heart. The vices that come with favouritism, and the tendency for that to easily flip into the opposite. The past. Everything that didn't make any sense. Things that appeared to make sense, but have no meaning to be made in retrospect. The pretense of love as expectation and entitlement. The pretense of a future too. Pretense. The weight of carrying intentionality around like a cross of burden: all these things that could and should be, that should have been. More and more. ...

It all gets erased, directly and manually now. Suppose I am arriving at the eventual endpoint and outcome, even if the events of my life and how it ended... did not have to happen.

RETROSPECTIVE 1: I don't think in any lifetime, as I've been able to successfully handle this vulnerability/ being in love thing very well. There is this complete obliviousness to my vulnerability to my own particular weaknesses. Like, it's always obvious after I'm dead? So I'm still alive and will sort it out in one way or another (and then the following bitter thoughts appearing still, sometimes, retrospectively, shot out the airlock: Do I exist only to serve? To be ideal? To have been ideal? (And for all the ways in which I fail to live up to it.) I'm alive and going to do what I came for one way or another, so that's all that actually matters to anyone right? I'm on my own and I have to sort this out myself one way or another, thanks. Wishing that everyone that has ever known me in any form would just forget me already, so then at least I don't have to deal with this being invisible-in-plain-sight phenomenon, and dying in plain sight. Don't have the pretense of knowing me, ok? It goes on and on.)

RETROSPECTIVE 2: If I died, either in body or while still in body, I wanted to be forgotten. Not interested in dragging anyone down. So even there's some kind of overture about being there for me seriously, it's very difficult for me to take others seriously. Do you want to be there? Do you really? How deep does your dedication run? Yea, I've been a massive burden. I hate being a burden. I'm calculating. If you mean it, fucking stay there and show it. Against the odds. Against yourself. Against what I say. Don't bail at the last moment? .... Can't you read me properly? I seem to be speaking over and over without being heard now. So I stopped speaking. Maybe it's my echoes you're still hearing.

DEVASTATION: I take everyone much more seriously after the first time around, so if you're still there, I'm much more inclined to think that you're very serious. As opposed to just having nowhere else to go and nothing else to do? (This is my vice, or at least I treat it like my liability like pretty much everything else.)

Last summer was absolutely apocalyptic, and still it wasn't enough to really end all of this. A lifetime, lifetimes... worth of this. Sometimes I think of this and it blows my mind. Say you want to believe in something that's big enough to transcend death and distance. You want love and you want faith, and something bigger than this idea of yourself to believe it; you feel like you need it for sustenance (maybe to some degree you feel as if you're being moved, or choosing to move with something larger than your sense of self.) It's true: some experiences and feelings write intensely enough on the psychoemotional body, so that it survives both physical and psychoemotional death.

And in the end, often all it fucking means sometimes is that you start off right where you left off, with the same core of the issue. (Time living and physical (even psychoemotional) death wipes and rewrites your nonphysical bodies to varying degrees, but not always very deeply, not as much as you might expect.) The same fucking problems and weaknesses present in the both of you, still clueless in the same ways, except for where you have both adapted, expanded or learned something legitimately.

K COOL: Take each of these thoughts, and watch them dissolve. Who needs an extra layer of judgment?

I don't feel very emotionally invested in my own negativity or descriptions of it. Suppose this is where I want to be. There is... nothing to release manually by writing this. But it does feel as if I am writing a manual.

 

Edited by modmyth
I considered if this was even worth writing and posting at all, but if there's anything to take away from this, it's the bolded part.

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Thursday Afternoon Edition:

*STUFF TO WORK ON/ PRODUCTIVITY: I'm back on a much stricter schedule again, after taking a break. You lose some kind of spontaneity and unpredictability, but you gain something else ("productivity", as long as you're not bogged down). Still working on the multiple languages thing, although I got sidetracked for about a week or two, and now I picked it back up again. My memory seems to be perfectly fine.

*LEARNING: taking my own advice and softening my focus, with the purpose of moving as close to my childhood ways of learning, creating, and processing as possible (and then some). I think my ability to both think and write rapidly may be speeding up and becoming more efficient due to practice and time expended.

*METACOG// Multisensory Visualization/ Meditation: I have this goal to write at least 10 visualizations/ meditations a day. Generally speaking, they're pretty short. Better to overaim than to underaim, etc.  I'm finding that it's getting easier to write, but it will need some editing, tweaking, experimenting (with a human guinea pig other than myself). Keeping it in mind and building this as a sort of system, and possibly in a scaffolded way (like building blocks), possibly as a sort of interconnected web of sorts of related and sometimes overlapping skills. My goal is to create what will probably be hundreds of these prompts; and to keep it organized and systematically cohesive, in terms of purpose and what it's intended to achieve.

*ART: Still doing that daily sketching thing, even as I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing it for at this point, exactly. I will be digging into a list of possible creative inspiration (sources of inquiry/ exploration), goals, specific skills to improve upon. At this point, reviewing my own work and the purpose of it at the time will help me.

*CREATIVE GENERATION (art, writing): Trying to find an alternative method to generating and creating ideas. (For example, I feel like I've mostly exhausted the use of free word association at this point, which I picked up in a short book about the personal process of writing written by Ray Bradbury. I mostly used FWA for generating visual art ideas; I was never able to make it work that well for creative writing, for whatever reason.)

*In general, you may find you asking yourself whether you want to or not, why do anything?

*IGNORED LIFE ADVICE/ SEGREGATION: Just pick one thing modmyth, and stick with it, ok? I don't work that way, sorry not sorry.

*LOOKIN' JUICY// things I probably won't post: Over the years, I have accumlated so many nudes and seminudes that I've painted of my boyfriend, then ex, then boyfriend again. Draping himself around like a naked Tom Selleck (sorry, Burt Reynolds) with all his body hair lovingly rendered and shit. IMO these are holding up particularly well. I remember asking him at the time: so, if sometime in the future if I put this art online, how comfortable would you be? Like if our acquaintances, friends, family, and like everyone we know sees it? .....

I'm talking about this: sorry/ not sorry if the male body makes you uncomfortable// Well, that is some unironic confidence.

1432740577-landscape-1420743183-screen-s

****So I asked him again, and I guess he doesn't want everyone that he grew up with to know exactly what his junk looks like. xD

*DAILY WALKS in the PM: Usually, I walk every day for at least an hour to clear my mind and for exercise, and this is actually where I actually do sometimes get some spontaneous creative thinking and ideas. I have been told that I walk really fast, for what it's worth. I mostly dislike/ tolerate most cardio, unless it's more skill-based and so, it keeps my mind focused and occupied. Otherwise: I hate running, especially distance running, ever since I was a kid. Sprints are ok.

CORNAVIRUS: It seems like in general, people have stopped observing distance very strictly when it comes to Coronavirus here in Vancouver, including in an unmasked state. Maybe it's the spring and the sun the last couple weeks, although it's gone back to the cloudy norm again. But as the clothes are coming off, apparently so are people's boundaries.
 

Of the moment:

I guess this meme is inevitable, huh?

1j0rz5.jpg

Edited by modmyth
I've always been partial to that funk rock thing.

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CHILDHOOD/ TRACKS MY BROTHER PLAYED TO DEATH:

It was kind of eerie hearing this soundtrack played right before and during 9/11 ....

I guess he would play this when he got nostalgic. (I always thought the main singer was a girl though, haha.)

Peak 80s childhood, I guess. I was too young for some of this stuff close to when it came out, but I watched it anyway.

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Not the 80s: He played this one track over and over to the point it drove me nuts.

Duran Duran - Ordinary World:

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Fear today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, (I will learn to survive)
Any one
Is my world, (I will learn to survive)
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world

****I heard Duran Duran - Ordinary World in a Netflix show that takes place in the 90s, and I was like oh, that brings back memories. Also, fits the theme of my life and also the world lately.

Edited by modmyth

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POSITIVE INFLUENCES OF MY CHILDHOOD: (so for once, I'm not just talking shit about family because I'm trying to work something out.)

These are more serious influences and not just incidental ones.

*My dad: knowledge of classical art, literature from all eras and different cultures (prose and poetry), philosophy, religion. How to “think critically” from a very young age simply from listening to him talk, because he talked to me a lot like an adult and simply expected to listen (or maybe, to go away if I wasn't willing to). His bookshelves were a great influence, he had a ton of books on all the above subjects, plus a lot of classic sci-fi from the 60s and 70s, often in the original form. Simply having certain books available (like Issac Asimov, even though my dad wasn't a big sci reader). Also, having art books which I would flip through. He listened to a lot of classical music and sometimes jazz, I learned how to read sheet music and self-taught myself classical at a young age. Like under 12?***. My dad also played strategy computer games, and so did my brother.

After I was in late French Immersion for a while, my dad encouraged me to read modernist French poetry in the original language. So I started writing poems in French for a while at the age of 13. I wish I knew where they were.

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***A not-so-positive note: I had issues with this though; I developed an anxiety playing in front of people because I remember that he didn't like it if I messed up and would make negative comments (which is what happens when you learn anything new), or at least, I was very sensitive and I interpreted in that way. I also learned a great deal about how to write from him, which also gave me issues as a writer, and then I spent a great deal of energy unlearning much of what he taught me. My dad is very old school and strict when it comes to the use of language and a number of other things, and I am more laissez-faire and creative with it, heh. Like I sometimes argued with him over grammatical issues as a teenager, back when I was homeschooled and really didn't want to be (there is a ragepost related to grammar somewhere in here; I never finished having a proper teenaged rebellion). It goes like this: if a rule of language isn't logical in a given context and serves no actual purpose meaning wise, then why should I bother obeying it? Some of it was with stuff that was not intrinsically wrong, grammar wise, but was not "proper" usage (a poet's mindset, in a nutshell). News flash: language and grammar is constantly evolving whether you want to keep it the same or a certain way, or not.

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I remember discovering this book on the bookshelf and it was AMAZING. I was ... I don't know. 10?

*My mom: a shared interest in nutrition, TCM and alternative medicine and therapies, direct knowledge and experience of Chinese culture. My mom's interest in Simon & Garfunkel and a few other 60s/ 70s pop/ folk acts? (e.g. the Bee Gees, Peter, Paul, and Mary.

 

This was her favourite song by them. The fact that my mom liked Simon & Garfunkel was never enough to stop me from listening to them as a teenager, and I did not really get along with her at all. Also, I've never heard this version before.

*my brother: his music choice influenced me a great deal, actually (Enigma, Aphex Twin, Brian Eno, modern minimalism like Philip Glass, Sigur Ros, techno. Gaming, because of the number of times that I would sneak on his computer and play games that absolutely would not be available otherwise, like RPGs, certain strategy games, and games that I definitely would not have been allowed to play like the original Grand Theft Autos which involved highjacking cars and blowing them up, which I was always partial to. Even now, when I do talk to him, he's always trying to hook me up with something new ("have you heard of "_____" >insert music, or a game<). I watched a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation because my brother always had it on (either that, or Deep Space Nine, and sometimes Voyager), but I never evolved into a Trekkie for whatever reason, like I just never identified it.

Things I did not get from my family: my interest in languages and history (specifically historiography, which is the art of history-making, just for its own sake), rock and metal music, psychedelia, and occasionally some more experimental stuff. The occult and magick side of spirituality, world folk music, the interest in science and cosmology and computing (especially the theoretical and the fantastical side of technology, like... possibilities, and the ramifications of current and possible technology). The preoccupation with nature and natural spaces growing up, that just didn't happen that much as a family activity.

*In general, a sort of obsessive doer's mindset and curiosity when it comes to a number of things, as opposed to a more consumptive mindset when it comes to art, knowledge, media. My natural way is that I learn by aggressively throwing myself forward into whatever inspires me and I'm kind of everywhere all at once, and the fact that sometimes I have no idea with what I'm dealing with wasn't much of a deterrent. :D

*The interest in meditation as in, practicing and experimenting with it especially. As opposed to just talking about it mainly.

*My interest in computing comes from reading too much sci-fi and Issac Asimov growing up, probably. There is something always a bit sparkly about it to me in my mind, even though I don't have technoutopian leanings whatsoever (I don't believe technology which fix any of the world's problems when the issue is, first and foremost, a psychoemotional problem, or "human nature".)

Edited by modmyth

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CREATIVE EXPERIMENTATIONS// CHILDHOOD EDITION:

*MUSIC CREATION: I was 11. I wrote about this one a little. My brother was experimenting with music software for a while, which I tried to figure out. The only one I really managed to make things on was Cakewalk, because that involves music notation and I already understood how it worked from playing classical and what not. One of the first things I did was create standard chord formations and manipulate them so....

1) it was atonal, but I would deliberately vary it with more harmonic chords. So I would vary it to make it slightly atonal and more atonal in other places, but i would try to sequence in a way that 1) it didn't sound shitty 2) it sounded interesting, in a good way 3) there was some kind of logical progression, which generally involves repeating some aspects or structure but not others. So I would edit specific parts and listen to it over and over again until it intuitively sounded right, or made sense. So I approached it in a strategic way from the get-go.

2) I would create overlapping chord formations, which means that it would have a chord sound, but the notes for the chords would start in different places, and often in cases where the notes for the chords didn't start all at once, I would favour a repetitious rolling formation which is one note for the chord starting in one, place, and then another note, then another note, then another note. Then sometimes the notes for said chord would all stop at once, or maybe not. Also favoured really long chord formations, things which sounded kind of "droney".

In general, I spent a lot of time testing chord structures and various tonalities without knowing what anything meant in the context of anything else. I had never listened to any kind of atonal music or minimalism, drone, or any type of experimental music at all at this point. There was pretty much no auditory frame of reference for this stuff. It came out of the void that was my mind.

3) I suppose I was very sensitive to the use of silence in some places. I got to experiment a little with this. I had good auditory "negative space" sensitivity ("negative space" is what you call the absence of form in the visual arts), probably from listening to a good amount of classical with my dad.

4) As per the classical influence, I would sometimes try to take an individual strain (I wouldn't always exactly call it a melody in all cases, but a complementary accent) and lace it throughout the chord formation(s). Trying to add more than one "strain" made it hard to keep track of since I was writing it on the same score (lol), but it might have been manageable if I wrote it separately. Which I did a bit of, but I found this pretty hard to visualize and keep track of. In general, I would pay attention to the visual formations of the notes, which is a helpful thing when you're trying to keep tracking of repeating note structures. I did spend a while creating note structures that looked like they would sound coherent based on the overall visual appearance of the score, and expected that it would pan out.

This was just a few afternoons of... my brother is not home, and I'm bored. What am I going to do to entertain myself? I have no inclination of how other people would think about this, it was just me doing "me" stuff back then. Also, literally my thought at the time was: this is impossible to play on a piano, isn't it? Including these chord structures?

Also, around the same time, I tried to figure out Fruity Loops (FL Studio now, apparently it's still a thing) and remembered being confused as hell. It was a DAW and I couldn't figure out what mostly everything did. This was before youtube was a thing, and I was 11. I made a few beats, I guess!

ALSO 11: I was asked to write a pop song for school, I don't remember what the context was, but my mindset was, oh. Pop music on the radio isn't that complicated or hard to understand. Melody is easy to write. It shouldn't be hard to write something that's pretty good. So I wrote a vocal part, which I sang in front of the class (apparently no self-consciousness at the time) I remember the looks I got like... mine was far more cohesive than anyone else's. This was one of those key moments ("my alien disguise isn't working, like I let my excitement for something get the better of me and I actually failed to hide myself properly .... better tone it the fuck down").

*stuff no one asked for: I may have written harmonies for it too.

Edited by modmyth

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Supplements/ Nutriceuticals: I try not to keep it too complicated, and get it mostly from food or neutraceuticals or direct food sources if possible, although I've been kind of spotty lately with all of it. ( Note to self...) One of the benefits of taking it in powdered or food form, if possible, is that it tends to be cheaper and you don't need to constantly be checking for fillers and shit.

Plus, the supplement industry is SO dicey sometimes, but here in Canada, we have much stricter laws about it than in the states when it comes to testing, at least.

Supplements:
powdered reishi extract 20x, 1 tsp.
magnesium citrate extract, 500mg
vitamin D 5000iu
multi-v.
Zinc (as a copper antagonist): (15-25mg?)
Additionally, there used to be a good supplement blend that I took, which is like calcium citrate (unnecessary, but unavoidable apparently, so I offset this with more magnesium), magnesium citrate, k2, boron, d3, SILICA (IMO this is underrated for bone, joint, and skin health and vitality.) (All of these nutrients are complementary, anyway.)

Dietary tics/ supplementation: lately I've been relying on the food variations of things more than anything.
*ADAPTOGEN COFFEE SMOOTHIE: ½ red reishi (20x extract), goats milk, 2 raw eggs, espresso, blended together. (I might stop having coffee again though, jitters. .... I find that the calm energizing effect of reishi seems to offset pretty well though. Also, when you blend raw eggs, it just makes whatever you're drinking a bit thicker. There's no disgusting texture. (NOTE: Goats milk is a lot easier to digest and process. Generally though, I limit dairy to a cup or a serving a day, because I find too much of it hard to process anyway. Plus, too much calcium.)

DIETARY TIC: 1) I have no fear about salmonella, IMO the fear of it is massively overplayed. You're more likely to get it from leafy greens, like raw lettuce. Or also, dairy, and fruits like melons.  2) I like the energy hit that comes from consuming raw animal sources, and I find it a lot easier to digest, but I don't really eat meat anymore. So that used to be sashimi, but I had eaten steak tartar and raw meat before (an exceptionally rare thing, for the latter, don't get me wrong), while preparing it very carefully. Now it's just raw eggs and dairy (wherever I can find it).

When people think of drinking raw eggs, do people still of this scene? "Breakfast of Champions"

A specific brand I buy, which uses a highly nutritious feed, plus apparently they supplement the feed a bit too. ALSO NOTE: if you're going to eat raw eggs and you want to minimize the risk of samonella, it's a good idea to get it from a high-quality source, from healthy chickens that live healthily, are free-range, etc. Probably it's best if you know the source directly, but mostly we don't have that luxury.

egg-chart.jpg

*red reishi: 20x extract, powder. I take 1/2 tsp at once, at 1tsp per day, although at the moment I'm cycled off it. I find this pretty ambiguous, but supposedly a tsp is about 10+ normal capsules worth. If you want to possibly get any nootropic type effects from it (red reishi isn't generally known for this, but this works for me) you have to do an extremely high dosage. (SOMETHING INTERESTING: Some people also report extremely vivid dreams and like... psychedelic type effets, spontaneous releases of emotional karma/ baggage at high dosages, but it seems to vary greatly based on the person.) (I could probably experiment with adding other medicinal mushrooms or adaptogens to this mix, or other ingredients that might boost the uptake as per TCM, but generally, I like to keep it extremely simple and pure here.)
*hemp hearts: I often do a smoothie which is a magnesium bomb: raw baby spinach, 5tsb hemp hearts, watered-down green juice (because it's a bit high in sugar), almond milk, magnesium citrate (300mg). Amazingly, this doesn't seem to affect my digestion negatively, so it seems like I've adapted. On the plus side, it's really easy to digest (which is essential if you have sensitive digestion, and if you're sensitive to too many nuts and seeds, which I have been, and it even helps digestion.)

HEMP HEARTS:
mh-organichempheartsinfo.jpg?v=158628612

*Turmeric powder again, 1tsb provides 20% of your daily iron, apparently, mixed with almond milk, fresh ground pepper. Turmeric = general antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects, possible mood benefits. Ground pepper = because supposedly it's strongly synergistic with turmeric. (supposedly... an active ingredient in black pepper (piperine) massively increases the active ingredient in turmeric (curcumin)). This is basically "golden milk".
*matcha, which probably has negligible micronutrients TBH., but maybe a little iron. But doesn't make me feel erratic and questionable focus, like coffee. Antioxidant effects, super calm caffeination which doesn't negatively affect my nervous system.

A NOTE ON ZINC: So zinc and copper are generally antagonists and most plant-based foods that are rich in zinc are even richer in copper. So you can end up being depleted in zinc eventually this way. I have done a little research on this, and there's also evidence that those with a plant-based diet become much more efficient at zinc conservation, as a sort of adaptational measure.

Other concerns: too many oxalates, which is an issue with highly nutritious plant-based foods that are raw, like nuts and seeds, and also raw leafy greens such as spinach, kale and chard. Also cocoa powder/ chocolate, which makes things taste good.

Edited by modmyth
At leat 20% of this post is me just talking about having good digestion. But seriously though, if you can't absorb it, nothing is happening. For whatever it's worth, digestion or "digestive" fire is a fundemental component of TCM and the Indian ayurveda.

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EXERCISE: I started doing some kind of calisthenics thing right now (does it count if it's weighted and you also use bands?). This one was actually kind of fun, although maybe it's because I've sorely needed a change for a while.

In rotation// easing myself in/ I don't normally do this much anyway, especially lately)
*tricep dips (30?)
*inverted rows (20-25)
*pushups (regular) (20)
*pushups (pike) (20+)
*leg raise to shoulder stand (pilates-esque, I guess) (10-15 reps?)
*planks (why not, I never do them for long periods of time)
*squat (w/ powerlifting loop band, ATG) I barely get about ten of these done with this thing.
*hip thrust (banded, higher rep, slowing it down) 20-30 (taking a break from weighting this.)
*lunge (banded) (12 on each leg, slowing it down)
*band pullaparts (10? this is more a shoulder mobility thing).

3 sets//

I feel like I probably should be able to do more pushups, but I hate it.

I enjoy the industrial-strength loop band, which apparently is (50 to 120 lbs./ 23-54 kg of tension) and is designed for powerlifters, apparently. I may also make this look, like I am crapping myself:

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BOOTY: Reasons to do hip thrusts, hip hinges, and all those glute exercises. https://bretcontreras.com/gallery/

Bret Conteras actually popularized a lot of these glute specific exercises, plus the use of the heavy-duty loop band for glute enhancing purposes, for when deadlifts, squats, and all the exercises that are supposed to work really don't. He's also a legit exercise scientist, although I don't know if he's actively doing research still. As opposed to, I don't know, a bro scientist? :D

RELATIONSHIP WITH EXERCISE: In general, I kind of think of myself as a lazy, easily bored person when it comes to exercise. I'm nowhere as strong or fit as I might be for the amount of time I've exercised, but then exercise or being fit is not like... the primary means by which I identify myself. Exercise is not my major "thing", but I know a reasonable amount about it. To me, dedicated means you record your workout routine, your lifts, you expect a linear progression of some kind. And if you care about how your body looks, you're either really strict about what you eat in terms of what you actually allow yourself to eat, or tracking your macros. I just don't have that kind of dedication and energy for it; I find it 's not healthy for me emotionally either; I get obsessive and then it quickly becomes all I think about. And at that point, I just feel fucking boring, it's depressing. I hate it. I've never been able to make the qualitative approach work for me.

Mainly, I just don't want to be weak, and I'm also vain enough, ok? I tend to be a bit cautious about burning myself at two ends of the candle, since I really tend to push myself (and be pushed), in my mental, creative, and energetic work, and that always takes priority. (I think of it as a sort of energetic orientation, of sorts.)

I'm really not a fan of burning out your nervous system for the sake of getting a good workout, as a sort of exercise philosophy. In fact, I actively avoid it. Anyway, it's not great for becoming stronger, for example, but it's more likely to make your muscles grow(?). But I don't think I really invest enough energy and effort to get that much stronger either, when it comes to weightlifting. But I can do pistol squats and stuff, I guess. 

But if there's one thing I've made sure to do, it's to not fall off the bandwagon, and even if I really don't feel like doing much or I feel exhausted, I've learned to do a little, hopefully for maximum results (a version of that 80-20 rule, 80 percent of the results for 20 percent of the effort).  (This burnout was especially the case in uni, but I am prone to fatigue due to nervous sensitivity at times, so I'm always attentive.) Often, I end up doing a lot more, and I just stop when it feels right. Or I get myself some much-needed rest, and then do more. Sometimes I do frequency training where I do exercises 2-3 times a day, because that lets me do more without getting anywhere near burning out.

This is weirdly specific, I know, but doesn't everyone have exercises that they 1) hate 2) find fun, or at least better than tolerable 3) no feeling about it either way :D
*exercises I hate: the weighted barbell squat (particularly ATG), regular pushups, regular bench press, pullups (if not at least because I completely suck ass at it, which is not uncommon as a woman). burpees, the single-legged deadlift, weighted high step up.
high rep anything, for the most part, for being monotonous and time consuming.
neutral: plank, pistol squat (it gives you a sense of accomplishment even if it feels like suck while you're doing it), calf raises, chest flyes, most arm exercises. Stretching.
*exercises I enjoy: the deadlift, glute bridges, hip thrusts, close grip bench press, lunges, hanging leg raises, farmer's walk, lateral band walk. Most ab exercises. Upper body pressing exercises, like shoulder press. skullcrushers.  I enjoy most of the traditional kettlebell exercises (especially the 2 handed swing), except for the Turkish get up.

I also really like pilates, and think it gets a bad rap as a "serious" form of exercise. 1) It makes my spine and posture feel amazing. 2) As core conditioning, it's serious business as anything else, as long as you do it as you're supposed to do it, which is with a lot of control and focus on quality, the precision of movement, etc. I don't really do it enough for it to be beneficial though, probably. (However, "the teaser" kind of sucks when you do a lot of them.)

I enjoy this guy as a teacher: good vibes. Also, I believe he's considered an expert in Pilates worldwide.

I like Olympic lifts, but I don't really feel qualified to do it anything other than lightly and not in high reps either. I'm trying to avoid destroying my joints CrossFit style.

Also, I miss doing martial arts. And I have a weird love-hate relationship with having a sifu and the sort of STFU just deal with it if it's difficult, but on the other hand, training in traditional Chinese martial arts is highly repetitious by nature (for good reason, you have to naturalize those movements to the point that it becomes instinctive and automatic, it's not just about executing the moves well with concentration), but also to "build character". I'd like to try something completely different, like Brazillian Jujitsu sometime.

In my early 20s, I used to do some parkour for exercise and self-amusement. I was a child that was very heights and risk-averse for whatever reason, and I kind of got over the fear by progressively jumping off higher heights, until... I think I managed to find an elevation to jump from that was about... I don't know. 1- 1 1/2 stories?  I read up about how to soft land and do the roll thing, and my knees didn't hurt after, so...

It was a psychological thing for me, really. Once the apprehension wears off, time slows down during the freefall.

****home gym alternatives// strength edition: If you're not interested in free weights or machines (e.g. you want to minimize the wear of very heavy free weights on your joints), or you can only have a minimal amount of weights in your house because of space or something, strength bands are awesome. I have a full set of powerlifting bands, the most powerful one I could find is marked (28-80kg/ 62-176lbs). They can be used alone, or in conjunction with free weights, a bench, a squat rack (which is how powerlifters tend to use it). The banded barbell bench press is pretty fun.

61rue4nHKdL._AC_SL1000_.jpg

 

Another alternative to change up your workouts, for those with minimal space, and who want to do more of a bodyweight/non-freeweights or machine type training is the suspension trainer. It's comparable to gymnastic rings in many ways, and you can attach it to a door in your house as long as you have the anchor. Also, if there's like... a horizontal metal beam or branch you can attach it to somewhere, like a playground nearby or a very sturdy tree branch, you can also do a lot of exercises that would otherwise be impossible with just the door anchor.

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Just don't buy TRX unless you're obsessed with brand name fitness products, but don't buy a piece of shit either so you don't fall on your face and break it doing something like this.

IMG_7454.jpg

Edited by modmyth
TRX: On principle, there's something dumb about paying over 200 dollars for a set of straps.

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TEENAGE RETROSPECTIVE:15-18// AN EX: I posted this elsewhere.

Quote

This reminds me, I had an ex who was used to girls competing for his attention, so he never really had to work very hard for it. Conventionally attractive, him and his twin sister. There would be girls who would be eyeballing him right in front of me while we were out on a date, get distracted by talking to him like I was barely there, or like, I would get up to go to the washroom, and then a girl... like a waitress or some other random girl, would have appeared out of nowhere, and be chatting him up. Very transparent. So much for women being subtle about their interest. 
Now that I think about it, he did have a bit of a princess or a "hot girl" attitude towards women, haha. He did do a few things which would probably trigger a woman's desire to be competitive, was picky about girls' looks, their hair, their bodies, their style.  He was also ridiculously vain and neurotic about his physical appearance, worse than I have ever been, like stressing about getting ever so slightly fat, stressing about getting old and ugly. (In retrospect, I could have been more empathetic about it, but at that phase in my life, none of that was on my mind at all.)
I never took any of this stuff very seriously, to be honest. '

*I guess for reference, he was about 6"3, Welsh (and very proud of it, he would occasionally show me his family crest), dark curly hair and eyes, a swimmer's build, and honestly was just kind of large everywhere... Like the difference between our hand and feet size was comical.

*Kind of a weird way to introduce him, but whatever. That was only one aspect of his personality, but one that really raked on my nerves at times. Specifically, it was trying to provoke me into being competitive with other girls while not being that conscious about it, and when that didn't work, trying in a different way. It was very much an instinctive habit, I think. Anyway...

*One thing I've never cared about at all is if other women are or aren't interested in whoever I'm interested in. Like, I'm not having sex or being in a relationship with them. I don't get competitive. I don't need a seal of approval, and I don't think a guy is more valuable just because women (or other people) are interested in them, this whole social proof thing. Either a person has intrinsic value to me for their attributes, or they don't.

*I started dating a 20-year-old guy when I was 15. My cousins and a few other people let me know that was questionable, as if I somehow wasn't aware. But for whatever reason, my parents didn't care. It's.... kind of a mystery to be honest. He behaved well around my parents though (at family dinners and what not), but he wasn't very "cultured". My parents were extremely strict with watching me most of the time otherwise, and I guess this was the one thing where they figured that if they didn't let me do what I want, if I wanted to see him, I would totally fly off the hook. I still hated them for isolating me against my will anyway, and for a number of other reasons.
*he was what I called “idiot-smart”. He would say lots of dumb shit, but he was generally very self aware about it. He was a fast learner, in the traditional sense of the word “smart”, and also never focused at school (it seems like there's a recurring them here). (Casually he would just say, I can definitely be an idiot sometimes. And I would be like, yea, you are.) Occasionally though, he would say something completely brilliant, insightful, and enlightening out of nowhere. His intuitions about people (or just say, the state of the world at large) were usually dead-on, unless he was currently being subject to a bout of paranoia. I would be like, where the hell did that come from?  My current boyfriend knew him, and just thought he was an idiot. (Possibly one of my talents, which I have not had to test that often, is getting two guys who are intensely interested in me and with aggressive dispositions to not murder each other.)
*Sometimes he would just casually introduce to me to people he knew, his family, his acquaintances as “the smartest person I have ever met” which is kind of scary, like the wisdom of a seasoned master inside the body of a 15 year old girl. (I was very opinionated and direct as a teenager, was very open about my visions and experiences at the time, and did have an answer for pretty much every spiritual quandary as well.) I don't think anyone knew what to make of that. Momentary pause in conversation... topic change.
*Actually, the draw for us was that we were both very dedicated occultists (not formal ritual magick) and practitioners of meditation (what's called kriya yoga here, mainly). This was the major fixture of our lives, everything else: window dressing. I wasn't hyper-regimented, but I always took it seriously. So we mainly practiced separately, occasionally practiced together, but mostly talked about what we did a lot. He wasn't much of a reader, but he picked up on a lot of my musical taste at the time.
*For whatever reason, my presence triggered a sort of “kundalini awakening” at the time, so he would often ask me for advice about how to deal with the aftereffects of that, his propensity towards rage (which was worse than mine at the time, as I had spent a whole lifetime suppressing that stuff). By all means, our relationship was kind of high tension and dysfunctional, but it was maintainable probably because I never lived with him. Most of the time, he was fine. By far, his bouts of paranoia// issues with psychic openness were the hardest aspect to handle, so when he went through that, I would help take it down a notch.
*Pretty sure, legitimately, his whole family (particularly his dad, was part of a well known biker gang. Generally though, your whole family is kind of drawn in by association). His dad drove a Harley very religiously, and my ex also did that biker thing more casually. He always talked about wanting to keep a certain emotional distance from his family and the people he knew growing up, that they were generally bad influences (drug dealers, ambiguous criminal shit), and that he was in many ways, the most responsible member of his family. (He told me something like, I know that's probably hard to believe since I'm so immature in a lot of ways, but out of everyone, I have my shit together the most). Yea, and I met his dad, who crashed at his place for a while because his exgirlfriend kicked him out his house (and this sort of drama was a semi-regular occurrence// baby mama issues). I told my ex... yea, your family is... concerning.
*15: His twin sister kind of intimidated me at the time, she was tall, beautiful, and bartending her way through university (“massive hot girl aura”). So generally I don't think I was ever a very self-conscious person, especially relative to my peers, but still... I thought like I looked like a 13-year Asian girl with no boobs, and also dressed like a bit of a scrub.
Once, his sister was crashing at his place for a while (I don't remember this, but yes, this is very much a recurring theme), and she came back very quietly without warning, and then she walked into him eating me out on his bed. …. Later, she reassured me, don't worry, stuff like that's happened to me before. I … really could have done without that.
*A lot of late night walks for us, which also didn't phase my parents, apparently. There were some nostalgic times there. In general, I have lost track of the amount of inappropriate stuff I have done in public places when I was younger.

On top of that, my ex was also a bartender for a time period. He had a lot of stories; it's a very social job, one that can really burn you out if you have introverted tendencies. My ex complained that unlike his twin sister who would just have to show up in a skimpy outfit and would be absolutely raking in the tips every night, he would actually have to practice conversational skills (mostly, involving listening to people's drunk ass stories, this can get pretty grating if you're sober), and still he would make nowhere near as much as his sister. I found this pretty amusing.

Album of the Moment:

 

Edited by modmyth

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18 hours ago, modmyth said:

RELATIONSHIP WITH EXERCISE: In general, I kind of think of myself as a lazy, easily bored person when it comes to exercise. I'm nowhere as strong or fit as I might be for the amount of time I've exercised, but then exercise or being fit is not like... the primary means by which I identify myself. Exercise is not my major "thing", but I know a reasonable amount about it. To me, dedicated means you record your workout routine, your lifts, you expect a linear progression of some kind. And if you care about how your body looks, you're either really strict about what you eat in terms of what you actually allow yourself to eat, or tracking your macros. I just don't have that kind of dedication and energy for it; I find it 's not healthy for me emotionally either; I get obsessive and then it quickly becomes all I think about. And at that point, I just feel fucking boring, it's depressing. I hate it. I've never been able to make the qualitative approach work for me.

Mainly, I just don't want to be weak, and I'm also vain enough, ok? I tend to be a bit cautious about burning myself at two ends of the candle, since I really tend to push myself (and be pushed), in my mental, creative, and energetic work, and that always takes priority. (I think of it as a sort of energetic orientation, of sorts.)

I'm really not a fan of burning out your nervous system for the sake of getting a good workout, as a sort of exercise philosophy. In fact, I actively avoid it. Anyway, it's not great for becoming stronger, for example, but it's more likely to make your muscles grow(?). But I don't think I really invest enough energy and effort to get that much stronger either, when it comes to weightlifting. But I can do pistol squats and stuff, I guess. 

But if there's one thing I've made sure to do, it's to not fall off the bandwagon, and even if I really don't feel like doing much or I feel exhausted, I've learned to do a little, hopefully for maximum results (a version of that 80-20 rule, 80 percent of the results for 20 percent of the effort).  (This burnout was especially the case in uni, but I am prone to fatigue due to nervous sensitivity at times, so I'm always attentive.) Often, I end up doing a lot more, and I just stop when it feels right. Or I get myself some much-needed rest, and then do more. Sometimes I do frequency training where I do exercises 2-3 times a day, because that lets me do more without getting anywhere near burning out.

I like your relationship towards exercise! Especially this 80 percent of the results for 20 percent of the effort. I think often that less is more when it comes to exercise, and I like that you don't identify with it. I think building an identity around exercise is pretty shallow. I think one should rather be a more "well-rounded and balanced person" with a wide variety of interests, and exercise is just one of them. I also think one is much less likely to get burned out if one doesn't have this all or nothing attitude towards it, and probably one can have a happy relationship towards exercise for the rest of ones life.

I get easily obsessed about exercise, and yeah as you said, when I do I feel fucking boring. It is so nice when I can ride out that obsession and instead just be chill about it and do it when it feels natural and light.

If you get 80 percent of the results for 20 percent of the effort, perhaps you can use all that other time for a lot more interesting things that will further increase your quality of life. Perhaps less exercise will actually in sum total lead to better health, both physical and mental :-)

A lot of exercise is some kind of chasing. Chasing some ideal body or something. Much better to just accept oneself as one is right now, and relax into beingness and the present moment, and from that space enjoy moving ones body around a little bit here and there. I don't fully live up this yet, I still have some chasing to see through, but I think this is somewhat my exercise-philosophy - to just surrender into it, and when that happens, I'm much happier than when I'm in chasing-mode.

Edited by Thittato

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@Thittato  I've mellowed out about the exercise issue (as well as nutrition) within the last 10 years; I mean, the hyperactive stress and neuroticism about it absolutely isn't good for you; you need to find a way to motivate yourself positively or at least keep it all very naturalized and more neutral (it's just "stuff you do" automatically) if you care about your mental and emotional health.  It also makes you a very unpleasant person to live with.... for yourself. :D Mostly, I figured out what matters to me, and then adjusted accordingly, so I can put my best energy elsewhere. You just do the stuff (follow your routine), and then most of the time, I've managed to do a much better job of not thinking about it so much otherwise. If I deviate a bit, I don't think too much about it.

One plus is that I'm not prone to swinging the opposite way, because extremism going one way tends to balance itself out in an equally extreme way. Like some people are super strict about enforcing their diets, and generally, the more you enforce something like a diet, the more appealing binge eating is. Or if you don't, you're a very miserable person to be around.

Although, for reasons related to personal trauma and just generally having a lot of obligations at other times, I haven't exactly been that strict for a while anyway. Sometimes I think of everything I do throughout the day as a sort of think of overall nervous system load. You have to really prioritize what matters to you, vs. whatever it is that you are currently up against. It's the all-or-nothing attitude that really gets exhausting to live with (and the perfectionism and self-criticism that tends to come with it). I need to save that level of focus for something that really matters to me, and at other times, I haven't really had the option due to fatigue and prioritizing working out personal issues. (Taking the bite out of perfectionism so that it's actually sustainable and not damaging to yourself, that's a separate issue).

I'm not an athlete or a fitness professional of any kind, a coach or a researcher, a fitness model, a trainer. It's not my job to look hot for a living, although I can guarantee if an important aspect of my identity was posting pics of my ass on Instagram, it would be way more challenging not to be thinking about my workouts and what I'm eating constantly, even as I am now. It's at least a self-pride issue, but IMO all of that extra energy and effort for the sake of perfectionism would at least make sense. Generally, I'm just perpetually progressing towards working smarter, not harder in this way.

Sometimes I feel like it's a North American thing, where we glorify workout fatigue for its own sake, like no pain no gain. (And then I wonder if it's a sort of extension of workholism, like working hard just for its own sake, work as an identity. Not working smarter or achieving more, just "work".) Anyway, if you give yourself adrenal fatigue, joint injuries, and your body just generally breaks down, that's just stupid. If you actually can't lose weight because of some hormonal issue (like constantly spiked cortisol) or you're making it as hard for yourself as humanly possible, that's stupid. And this speaking as someone who is prone to a sort of extremism where I will just like... completely disregard physical limits if I don't watch myself. So it's been good that I've also managed to get to the point where I can also relax with the process of watching myself. That energy too can be used in a much more positive and constructive way.

You have to pick away and change your beliefs about yourself, your self-image (both emotional and physical) in order to get to that point though. And also, to figure out what your underlying emotional motivators are for behaving compulsively in that way. Sometimes an exercise obsession is really just another addiction to avoid facing some aspect of yourself, your past, your identity (which has nothing at all to do with looking good or being in shape, even).

Edited by modmyth

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PRODUCTIVITY & DIVERSIONS // Notes to Self:

*A PROJECT/ ”SYSTEMS ELEGANCE”: so, I've managed to write about 35 meditations/ visualizations so far. Most are relatively short and are designed to work in conjunction with other ones, and the complex ones build on the simpler or basic ones. Trying to write at least 10 a day has been a real headache, but I don't want to be done this a year later; it's not necessary, I already have everything that I know and experienced all in my head within the last 17+ years, and certain aspects are let's just say, multi-lifetime cumulative. I'm not going to learn much by waiting anymore. At least, this is all I have in one written space, I have other meditations (written as both instructions and as written scripts that are designed to be read, as in a guided audio meditation/ visualization) scattered elsewhere, I started recording my own original stuff and variations on existing practices when I was 15, as I took this seriously back then too. I anticipated that I would need to share it one day.

Anyway, I'm anticipating again that I will have hundreds of these by the time that I am done, at that it will all be linked together cohesively, thematically, and very concisely so. Also, I have effectively repurposed list-making/ free word association (FWA), as described in the previous report for generating a lot of ideas here, and it's been helpful to keep the brainstorming and the writing process separate. (Note: Maybe I'll get some ideas by flipping back through the METACOG journal.)

*EFFICIENCY/ AVOIDANCE: So I have this process of hashing out my creative issues in a more productive way still, which I have been avoiding doing directly since I last wrote about it, but it's also that I wanted to give my self a little rest emotionally and mentally. Perhaps it's necessary. I think I have ranted out everything necessary already, and that every problem or issue that I bring up from this point on is something that is either going to be some novel issue (something that I haven't written about yet) and then will actively drop, or I will work out directly in that moment. That is the objective, anyway.

*BALANCE: The usual suspects, as written about in my last productivity note. Still always, figuring out what I can get done in a state of relative balance, which sometimes involves push myself too far at times. (This issue again: structure vs. spontaneousness.) There is this tendency to want to push myself to be hyperproductive perpetually (or at least, a productive as possible) because I'm never getting that time back, but then, psychoemotional health on the other hand, as well as the space and the silence that is required for creativity.

At any point in time, I seem to have too much stuff to do, and need to take breaks from looking at it all in written down form.

*DIVERSIONS/ The Source of Creativity is "Play": I've been learning how to audio edit in Audacity via muddling through it like my 11 year old self. So it's not really mainly music software (a DAW) I don't think, but it has multitrack function and a bunch of other stuff, so inevitably I've been messing around with it a little bit. Although, the audio equipment I did buy is for >see above<, recording my speaking voice. However... I always wanted to harmonize myself. Also, I learned the chords for "Ordinary World" on acoustic guitar a couple of days ago. The song I've been harmonizing for is Roy Orbison - "Love Hurts". Just a random, custom harmonization. Also muddling through it, like I'm 11 years old. :D

NOT A DIVERSION: I wrote a few very good posts on trauma and trauma resolution here, from a personal perspective, what has worked and what has not:

 

Edited by modmyth

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CALL DOWN HOLY FIRE:

*On the Previous Subject of My Ranting: Thank you for everything you've done for me, in good spirit and intention. But what else do you actually need or want from me, if anything at this point? Honest question: is this not what you wanted, this life now? I have these stubs of thoughts where, in the past, if I let them play out, would morph into something rbitter and ranting. I let them play out, perhaps a bit longer than it was even necessary. But all of these thoughts, these memories, memories I inherited of you and from you, memories of a past self and life (multiple lives), I just burnt it away. The bitterness and cynicism, the hopes and dreams, the wonder, the expectations. They can still technically be accessed, I just don't relate to it personally so much anymore. There was something I wrote in one of my other journals here (METACOG), where I said, if you love your ideals, kill them and see what comes back to you. Maybe you could say the same thing of memories and connections. I started writing here because I really didn't think you truly understood how I felt, and it became yet another instance of being not seen, not heard, and not felt and understood while in plain sight, which did end up compounding on existing trauma. I wanted to at least do myself a service of getting myself heard, of putting myself out there, even if it ended up that you still never heard or understood me properly. This is inevitably the risk you take when you open up, to be devasted one way or another. All of that gets burned out manually. All my memories, feelings, and associations grow hazy here as I burn them away, since lately has apparently the right time. What was I ever upset about in the first place? …

Still there is a sadness in the ether. There is nothing to fix, and nothing to understand or to try to get you to understand, at this point. I gave up entirely, isn't it obvious? But anything you want to know should be there, I guess.

*If you or anyone else has ever been confused about why I do things, here's just a reminder that everything I do is meant to serve a higher purpose, as nonsensical and convoluted as it might at appear at times. And occasionally, making calculated misestimations. This is including “self-interest”. But you know, I have had to prioritize survival and self-preservation. Sometimes it feels like a miracle that I have survived and managed as well as I have, because the odds really have not been in my favour (truly though, chance does not exist).

*INVITATION: So why do you need or want me still, if at all anymore? 1) Don't you want to wipe out the imprints of the past too? 2) Do you have any choice, with the shape of the world and the direction everything is going? I am present enough in the collective, there needs not to be any residual “karma”, baggage, or unfinished business. Say I have been ideal (and not). Aren't I done serving my purpose for you, in the way that I have? Maybe it's time to lay it to rest, and to wrap up whatever needs to be wrapped up? What is the point of this cord now, as it stands?

*INCINERATE/ WEIGHTLESS: The collective consciousness also gets this same treatment from me, everyday. We are all bathed in fire, so that we are breathing it and seeing it, always now. More and more. It will bubble up through our personal unconsciousnesses (as if floating upward from a well) and into mind (as if they are containers that are falling apart and disintegrating). It is for the best if we all lose our memories and attachments to the past (and future), pain, trauma (which very much includes everyday, human traumas), its attachments to our body and nervous systems, emotional/ energetic bodies. Very little of our understanding of being human (in the way this tends to be ridiculously myopic), our institutions, will survive or is capable of surviving exposure to this type of energy.

*Certain energy levels and points of access become available and much more easily accessible, when they were not before this point in time.

You already knew this was the outcome, yea? One way or another? All my ass needs to do is survive long enough. That I wasn't pleased (severe understatement) isn't even worth talking much about anymore.

Edited by modmyth

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RETRO POST// "ELDER" TECHNOLOGY EDITION:

14: So I have memories of being online with my bestfriend at the time and talking on the cordless landline phone before inevitably I would have to go to dinner or someone else would need the phone, so I would get booted off.  So when these were invented, it was the best invention ever. The cordless phone meant you could abduct the phone and talk while you were doing other stuff (e.g. both looking at the same dumb website on the internet, specifically I am thinking of Engrish and Newgrounds), or take it to your room and talk for 3 hours on it.

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Before that, it was being attached to a corded phone and to wherever there was as a phone port, which wasn't necessarily in the most convenient places.

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When I was really young, like maybe 6 or so, my parents still had a rotary phone, which I enjoyed playing with. Compared to pressing buttons, it took a while to actually finish dialing the number though, especially depending on what numbers there were.

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My dad also had a typewriter from the 70s which looked quite similar to the one below and that I was pretty obsessed with playing with, and for whatever reason, I never got scolded for it (to be fair, I might have been careful enough to only play with it while they were gone, and then they probably never checked on it afterward).

I remember my dad telling me that his mother used to help him type up his university essays because he was not a very good typist (as in he was slow, but more importantly, he made errors), as it was impossible to fix your errors after you typed it out, so you really wanted to minimize making any mistakes. If you made mistakes, generally you would start from the beginning and retype that page.

luxury-vintage-70s-regina-olympia-typewr

Also, I remember when we got our first family computer (before each person had their own individual computers, and then eventually laptops). It was Windows 95. I remember it coming with some of these games:

Chip's Challenge:

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Skifree: that stupid game with the robot-yeti that would always end up eating you no matter what.

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Hover: this game was a capture-the-flag type game.

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Before that, we had a DOS computer, but I don't remember exactly how old it was (or where we had gotten it from). Anyway, I inherited the DOS computer once we had gotten Windows 95, which honestly I was pretty excited about. The prospect of having a computer that was also my own. I learned command line at a really young age (before 10?) because learning command line is the only way to do anything on a DOS computer. I.... don't remember anyone teaching me how to do that, so probably I figured it out myself?

It looked a lot like this.

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So, this is before there was a CD port in computers, which is way before people simply downloaded everything (preinternet era for a lot of people). The slots in that computer above were for floppy disks, which is what you used instead. This was when all files were in the kb range (and sometimes in the low mbs?)

For my own computer, one port was definitely the small size of disk, and the other was for the medium size, as shown in this picture above. For some reason though, I remember the larger disk being gigantic though. Everything seems larger in early childhood? :/

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My bestfriend in grade 5 had a Game Boy colour so she could play Pokemon Red or Blue (I don't remember which one), but I was SO jealous. Never in a million years would my parents buy me this, along with a number of "noneducational" toys. Before the Game Boy colour, the portable Gameboy was in black and white. I didn't know anyone who had one.

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TAMAGOTCHI: Speaking of "elder" technology, these were a craze when I was in grade 3. Also something my parents would never have gotten me at the time. It was a little digital pet that you could feed, take care of, play with, etc. Pretty simple.

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Also, most of us in the mid 90s as kids still used casette tape players. As in, we would record songs from the radio onto cassette tapes. The occasional person had a cd player, but I don't remember any of my friends having one when we were all about 10 or under.

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I didn't get a walkman cd player until I was about 14, actually. I was not spoiled with technology. Once I did get one, if I was not at home or talking to my friends, I was attached to it constantly.

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My first mp3 player, before the era of smartphones, was a Zen Creative. I was 16, I think. It didn't last very long, maybe 6 months. My boyfriend (I said I would just call him "J") said that I had "a way with technology", also known as the useless superpower of causing technology to break, malfunction, and just generally act strange around me, often for completely indiscernible reasons, and has witnessed this many times.  :D

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He also bought me an ipod later, I think it was this one. I think I was 19 or 20. But I don't remember using it very much for whatever reason. I wasn't into music as much at the time anyway. This is when I was using a flip phone, so pre-smartphone era. What I remember was both of us listening to comedy routines on it (Bill Hicks, George Carlin, etc.), so I think both of us know some of those routines well enough to quote them still.

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I got my first phone when I was 17 going on 18, and went to Quebec for a summer's worth of immersion study. It looked kind of like this. J had internet service on his flip phone at the time, I took him it looked like a POS to use. Otherwise, I remember the flip phone quite fondly, although come the cellphone era, I was 1) never on the phone constantly 2) have just generally been against this notion that I should be accessible all the time, at any given time, because of cellphones. Same deal with email. Boundaries, people. 

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My mom had a cellphone in the 90s, and it looked like the blue one below. Mostly, she would not let me touch it, but once she let me play "snake" on it. :D 

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Also, we had a cellphone lying around (80s style) which my grandma had won in a sweepstakes contest. It was suspiciously close in size to the black one, second from the right. It just sat in my dad's dresser for years and years. (My mom used to say, who wants to carry around a brick in their purse?)

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My grandma's superpower was winning things in sweepstake contests (like for example, she won multiple vacations, including a trip to Disneyland which she took my brother and I on when I was 7 or so). Although to be fair, I think she did do entries for not just her and my grandpa, but for like everyone in my extended family. xD

Edited by modmyth
MEGATYPOSssss

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NOSTALGIA POST 2: CLASSIC ENGRISH (plus modern Engrish, I guess):

So speaking of being on the phone for a couple hours at 14 laughing at dumb shit, I did mention Engrish.com. A lot of it was nonsensical, some of it was mildly funny in an absurd way, and some of it was hysterical. I specifically remember these classics from that era, like this wonderful bootleg cd (I have nothing against Clapton personally since I haven't heard most of his music). So like, simple "typos":

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This popup which apologizes for being a popup:

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And then, an old Chinese lady confidently wearing a T-shirt that has some kind of message like, FUCK OFF WORLD or something.

MODERN ENGRISH:

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This is pretty classic Engrish.

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This one too.

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The anthem of salaried workers everywhere.

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I guess this one is supposed to say "dump" instead.

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Threatening signs seems to be a recurring theme in general...

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Edited by modmyth

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On 4/28/2020 at 2:38 PM, modmyth said:

Like some people are super strict about enforcing their diets, and generally, the more you enforce something like a diet, the more appealing binge eating is. Or if you don't, you're a very miserable person to be around.

Exactly. 

 

Very impressive work, btw. 


feel free to dm me if you want a self-actualizing friend :)

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