modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

795 posts in this topic

9 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Then it was rage central, haha

LMAO, that made me laugh too much!

oh yeah, no one liked my questioning growing up. I was told not to do that in public all the time. No one ever gave me satisfying answers growing up either. Just a bunch of theory and speculation on their part. 

There was a time that I stoped questioning for about a year I think. Then I ended up falling into self actualization and started doing serious self inquiry 

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@SilentTears  I had massive amounts of anger as a teenager. For visual reference, there was this post I made a while back. :ph34r:

I used to work with kids, and I always made a point of answering their serious and and earnest questions equally seriously. And I just don't get particularly offended or impatient with honest question asking. Which meant that often I would get asked more and more and more questions. I actually think it's one of the more endearing traits of children, that sort of curiosity. If I was to generalize in the extreme, we tend to lose that and get very boxed in, monotonous, and habit forming in an unconscious way, as adults. And also, to lose that spontaneity.

...as funny as it is when I've heard some of the lies adults have told kids, and how sometimes people just went on a long time believing it, even into adulthood.

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"Childhood Trauma": When people told me that Bambi traumatized them when they were growing up.... I was completely traumatized by this movie, which apparently they rated as being A-OK for kids. I don't know. Was it a different era? Was it mainly Richard Adams?

My thought process: Yes, I love rabbits, they're my favourite animal, so cute! Oh... they're dying and bleeding everywhere. (I'm what, 5 or 6?)

 

I don't think I had ever thought about dying and what it had meant at this point. This might have been my first formal introduction to it (and also my first formal existential crisis). Also, this song still makes me bawl my eyes out.

 

In general, despite having a rather conservative upbringing compared to some of my peers, my parents were not that strict about withholding me from watching "adult" material in terms of seriousness, depicted death, nudity, as long as it had some designated redeeming intellectual or artistic quality. Overall, I'm grateful for that.

Plague Dogs is also really depressing. As an adult.

Edited by modmyth
SURPRISE CHILD, THIS IS LIFE!: I think I still might traumatized by this movie.

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CONTRADICTIONS/ OPPOSITES: (returning again, to what was intended to be this confessional/ revealing nature of this blog.

*Sensitivity vs. Toughness: There is something in me when I naturally cry really easily. And yet, within the last couple weeks, I have written about the work I have done with the collective consciousness in the past 17 years, which is one of the number of things I have been called to do with my life. Where I have seen some of the worst things you can imagine in psychic space, with extreme vividness. >insert blank, use your imagination here< I have remembered on a visceral level what it is like to die physically and to do harm to others as well, and have barely flinched at all with much of this, in the sense, maybe you would expect a proportionately large reaction. There often isn't one. 

 

*CREATIVITY// the plight of the creatively minded: There is nothing that I love more than the blank page, even on the occasional instance where I have absolutely nothing to say or to do with it. I see a blank page and I start to hallucinate possibilities immediately. I see a poem, a story to tell about myself or others (real or imagined), a system, a new way of thinking, a philosophy. A huge list of things never explored and never thought of yet. I imagine things not yet done, things that could be done, and I get very excited in a childlike way. And I am like this perpetually, until apparently there is nothing worth doing or nothing to do.

I used to do a lot of free association, which I originally picked up as a method from a short article that Ray Bradbury had written about his writing and brainstorming process. He was a list maker, and would just make lists of things that came together spontaneous in association, and then cobble together stories out of that. I mainly used it for generating visual arts ideas, actually, in the creation of a sort of personally visual language and vocabulary. Particularly for years, I was inspired by Takato Yamamoto and his composite visual style and then the inclusion of many different distinct (and sometimes random) visual elements. For writing, I found it too restrictive, and not compatible with my natural way of thinking and processing.

 

Y SO NEUROTIC?: I have a serious question and a thought, for anyone, coming from a place of relative honesty and vulnerability.

Consider this possibility: we are shaped by our upbringing, our life, our circumstances, our desires, and choices, into becoming the kind of person our "highest" self (or soul) wants to be, as well as the kind of person we consciously want to be. Some varying degrees of choice and circumstance.

No matter how "enlightened" you are intrinsically, there used to be this notion that suffering and personal conflict is intrinsic to great intellectual and creative work, and to the work that is the life of a great spiritual person/ personality. It used to be that all this shit came mainly from the outside, but guess what, many many aspects of how we process psychoemotionally have changed over the past millennia and centuries. PSYCHE, as we understood, exists directly in relation to our environment and stimuli, as well as to our goals, hopes, and dreams. It always has. A few other thoughts:

1) It's how you chose to handle it that reveals the most about you, yea? (intrinsic/ extrinsic conflict.)

2) To what degree is your own suffering something you can sell as a sort of worthy life narrative, and why? How much of it is really just you believing in the purpose and arc of your own life consistently and deeply enough to convince other people? Or, (not to exclude the previous point), it is just being very charismatic and a good liar?

3) To what degree do you need to be a good liar to yourself, first and foremost? At least long enough to Get The Thing Done? (aka. If you ain't buying your own shit, you shouldn't be sellin'...)

INSTANT GRATIFICATION: Have we lost this notion now? Is this no longer sellable to the masses? And if so, why? It's not just a matter of being in love with suffering and difficulty for its own sake, and finding (on whatever level and degree of consciousness to unconsciousness), the perfect conflict and level of torment so that you can have the perfect breeding ground for greatness.

Anyway, I think there something about being a very productive, very creative, and prone to hyperfocus and obsession, which intrinsically breeds dissatisfaction. Add the tendency for extreme sensitivity and emotional volatility into the mix (that's inborn), as well as the tendency to numb that out (because, well, the world). Add to this the great number of ways in which the world is NOT ideal whatsoever, that is must change quickly, and we must change quickly, personally and collectively.  Add these all together, and then what do you end up with?

Someone's who's either going to fucking make it or end up dead prematurely, probably. Maybe both. I'm not proud of it. I'm not going to romanticize this. I believe I have mentioned in here, I hate that fucking tortured genius archetype. Is that a bedtime story for some people? Have some empathy and some understanding, but don't fetishize suffering in that way for its own sake, like it exists primarily as some kind of bohemian lifestyle choice or something. Seriously, go and fuck yourself if you do that.

What if you're the most enlightened person on Earth and you still have these tendencies? Say your dissatisfaction manifests in a more... productive way. But it's still a sort of dissatisfaction or a sense of lacking in the end.... on the INSIDE. Why? Because the world is fucking lacking and there is no intrinsic division between yourself and the world. Or the hand of god leading you from one place to another, feeling one way or another beyond compulsion. On another level, yea, you totally recognize and feel there way in which everything is intrinsically perfect and not lacking at all, whatsoever. "Contradictions" which are not real and wholly imagined, and you know and recognize this fully.

And yet, where does this driving need and compulsion and FORCE and desire to change the world actually come from? What is the energy of actually getting shit done? Is it from some lukewarm sense of peace and satisfaction, like here I am, this fully formed and enlightened being? Yes, hypothetically, it's possible. Is it efficient?  Hell no. Not generally. Not in this world, not where there is the need to overcome or overtake rapidly through conflict. And generally speaking, conflict is the fastest and most efficient mode of transformation.

We become the shape of whatever it is that we need to be, as dictated by our TOTAL self.

(JUST ANOTHER UPSTART CULT: So I am not Christian at all and have no enduring preoccupation with Christianity for the most part, although I don't care for rigid ideologies, institutions, and ways of doing things period. It's just against everything that I start for and how I function, period. Lately, I have been thinking of what Jesus was thinking and feeling when he overturned that table in the temple, and was like FUCK INSTITUTIONS.

More generally, is there any one person on Earth who can escape the hammer of being molded by life and circumstance into what the soul dictates you must become? No matter how you are born and whatever you start with. I say NO. Absolutely not, absolutely no one.)

Edited by modmyth

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REVISIONIST HISTORY// MALE PROTECTIVENESS: Well, this post feels awkward and rambling.

So I officially got back together with an ex. I guess he would be THE ex, in terms of the sheer amount of actual life history. It's so strange to have come all this way, only to make a full circle of sorts. I am feeling a rare sense of peace that I haven't felt for a long time, but also sadness. I have known said ex for such a long time (since I was 16), that in the end, what's happened in the last 3 years, strangely only ends up feeling like a lengthy blip or hiatus in my relationship with him, where we already have known each other so well and for such a long period time, that I have felt like I'm perpetually one foot in and one foot out with him, even when I'm not with him. We have always continued talking and being around each other in one way or another.

*I have had this perpetual tendency to seek out men who are NOTHING like my father. (I'm still trying to figure out, what exactly does that say about me, other than I really didn't appreciate large swathes of my childhood very much? Like certain traits or attributes actively turn me off. There is absolutely none of this, trying to regain or fix the relationship with my father through another man, which I gave up on entirely as a teenager. I will never have his approval; it's not worth it anyway. Moving on...) Yea, my dad has good qualities, but I tend to also have a lot the same good qualities. I don't need them in a partner. It's nice; it's not essential.

My dad was cold, emotionally distant, and a terrible listener. But he was intelligent and analytical; I learned a lot from him (in the intellectual sense, he taught me a lot about how to write and how to think, although perhaps I very well could have easily taught myself a lot of that. He also taught me A LOT that I really went out of my way to unlearn. Maybe more on that latter.) He just talked and talked and enjoyed having me around because I wanted to please him, to be the person that he wanted to be (which in a way, was being as little there as possible). It's easy to be liked when you're molding yourself around someone so thoroughly, and being unappreciated and feeling unseen, unfelt, and unheard comes just as naturally. Anyway, I am not attracted to that shit, at least, I would never have stuck with it at any point in time as soon as I became aware that I had a choice to be with someone and to CHOOSE. I immediately chose different things. There's a lot more to it than that. Maybe later.

Also, he seemed to lack a protective bone in his body. Neither of my parents were ever protective of me in a way that actually made me feel protected, physically or emotionally. It was just like... yea. I have this roof over my head. My parents were afraid of someone abducting me. That's literally it. As long as my physical body is in one piece and everything appears fine enough, who gives a shit about the rest of me? That's how I have felt around them most of my life. I got the downsides of a sort of protective paranoia without ever actually feeling like I was protected in any significant way either. It felt like being in jail.

THE EX: Said ex I spent the most amount of relationship time with was warm and emotive (at least with me), very physical and touchy feeling, intelligent in a very DOING way (but very much could hold his own in an intellectual conversation and was very intelligent in the classical sort of way, he just didn't give a shit about school and structure in that way), extremely protective, impulsive at least when he was younger (prone to being extreme rage and violence if threatened), with a strong sense of intrinsic right and wrong ("honour"), a sort of ingrained and instinctive duty to protect. I would describe it as nurturing, but like... in a very manly sort of way. He is a very good listener too. Very important to me.

ALSO NOT LIKE MY FATHER: Yea, I guess I have preferred raw and uncouth, as in technically uneducated (by formal education), which at most points in my life has actively turned me off, like congratulations, you have cultivated your intelligence in a highly institutional and systematic way. Now you're trained to think just like everyone else or else they punish you for it, for the most part... and I would know, I've done the gauntlet. That's... not attractive at all. Anyway, I have a history of being attracted mainly to raw, native intelligence.

I stayed with him for such a long time for a reason. Yes, clearly I was compensating for something that was lacking.

Anyway, we were friends for a few years first. We bonded over our different but arguably equally shitty childhoods. Books and our shared gaming habit (at the time). We both had a different version of getting slapped with the highly 'gifted' child thing, but with different outcomes.

 

Edited by modmyth

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TO SERVE AND PROTECT// LOYALTY:

TEENAGERS/ 16/ A Paraphrase: A while after I first started talking to him, I asked him... what's your life purpose? Do you feel like you're on Earth for a specific reason? He said something like, I was never really sure for most of my life, but then I met you and we started talking, and something clicked on an instinctive level. You deserved to be protected in all the ways that you never were, and I just generally need to be there for you. In whatever way you need.

I told him, apparently I'm destined to change this world profoundly. I just know. I have had this driving, restless force in me since I was very young, to figure things out (as I have written about it here in earlier parts of this journal). To know everything. (When the time is right.)

He said, I know. I can feel it too. That's why I want to help you, in whatever way I can.

As if somehow it isn't blindingly obvious, I haven't always been totally appreciative and grateful.

What feels like love and protection so easily becomes something claustrophobia-inducing and smothering, when my other personality traits swing to the other side. You don't always want or need it when someone is prepared to give it to you. Yea, I have written about some of these tendencies in ARS EROTICA, that my mind works a certain way. (Yes, I can and am totally capable of practicing severe psychoemotional repression and keeping it under control, at a heavy price. The question is, what purpose is that serving ultimately?)

On his side, he has been really prone to jealousy, in a way that most people would probably consider totally rational and reasonable. It's called being monogamously inclined (at least towards me), or more of a take-it-or-leave-it-attitude towards sexual novelty. Well, it seems like both of our personalities have leveled out somewhat.

There's that conflicting issue of “safety” vs. “novelty”. At this point, we have literally known each other for over half of our lives, and have grown around each other in a way. And he has spent so much time adjusting to dealing with a certain sort of BS of mine. (what's your flavour of BS?) For the ways in which... at times, certain aspects of my personality have clashed and contradicted, and in the ways I tend to be all over the place (the desire for freedom and novelty, both sexual and otherwise). Like I say one thing, but really mean another (again, mostly related to sexual/ emotional issues, I am not like this about say... intellectual or spiritual issues or principles at all). And for whatever reason, he has handled it as intelligently as I could have ever expected anyone to do so, for how erratic and inconsistent I've been.

COMMITMENT PHOBIA// THE POWER OF REFRAMING: So..... I really probably shouldn't be giving this out as advice. It's not advice. I'm just going to say that it kept me on the hook for a very long time, willingly so. (And sometimes, very much to my own frustration. Like I felt like an addict, and like there was some aspect of myself which I really had to get under control, which I did. Fucking boring though.)

When a woman is like, I don't know if I want to be with you, I have a problem with “x” relationship problem, or something about the future. So then you can be reassuring like, well, we can talk about it later,  and then reframe the conversation in nonverbal way...  while still using words. The desire to be with someone or possess them in a certain sense overrides the subject of the conversation, honestly. Just seduce and fuck her well (this is very much an emotional thing too, as it always it is). If you can somehow manage to pull that off, congrats. She's not going anywhere, at least for a while.

Why did that work so well on me? Well, I got the restlessness fucked out of me. So I'm happy. At least for a bit. Fucking rinse and repeat. I'm moderately embarrassed to write that, but it's the truth.

Also, when expressing disinterest, doubts, boredom, and uncertainty about our future and the future in general, a “don't worry about the future, just be with me right now” has actually been incredibly effective. Apparently, that's been what I wanted to hear.

Don't tell me not to be with someone else (either explicitly or implicitly), or try to manipulate me to make me feel bad about my desires some way or another. Just distract me and make me feel good. Don't try to box me in. Suddenly, I have become incredibly much more interested in what YOU want. This is actually a huge part of it. Don't try to change me like that. I want to stay feeling like I have full choice, voluntarily, otherwise, it doesn't mean anything to me.

(Honest to gods, at times, including right now as I am writing this out, I myself have been asking if I have been worth dealing with. In a practical risk-vs-reward sense, and less a self-hating sense.)

Edited by modmyth

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FULL CIRCLE:

Consider that I have made it very difficult for people to get and stay close to me at times, or that when I was growing up, quite literally my parents isolated me from my peers in numerous ways. The former has been on purpose.

Say some part of me has wanted to see who would be there at the end, for the ways in which I manifest nonideally, in the ways that I may not always be recognizable as my true self/ personality, when I have deliberately made it so goddamned difficult.

In the end, apparently it's him. It's not that I want to be loved for being difficult or being nonideal per say (that does not appeal), but moreso that I want to see who is really serious. And secondarily, who understands me, how they understand me, and what you want me for. How what I do and say is interpreted, and how correctly. Yea, I've been watching.

Everyone else disappoints or bails. That's life.

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Edited by modmyth

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1 hour ago, modmyth said:

It's not that I want to be loved for being difficult or being nonideal per say (that does not appeal), but moreso that I want to see who is really serious. And secondarily, who understands me, how they understand me, and what you want me for. How what I do and say is interpreted, and how correctly. Yea, I've been watching.

Wow...

xD that's interesting how your so analytical. Literally it's so fun watching how the different aspects of people bring about different results. For example, how does that make you feel? 

I was just dancing in my room jumping around and I feel like I've become a child. So when I see the adultness of seeing you analyze I had a sense of sadness. 

Honestly, it's quite nice that you are the way you are. It's beautiful. Reading your posts you go so in-depth

2 hours ago, modmyth said:

apparently I'm destined to change this world profoundly. I just know.

I have the same feelings. I'll stare out into the sky feeling this. It helps light a fire inside me. I love following this fire and allowing for it to flow through me. 

Anyways, I like reading your journals, take care. 

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@modmyth

What if everyone wants to be there for you, but seeing that you don't believe it deep down... the inner thought manifests itself outwardly?

Our thoughts have a way of doing that, either through words, body language, or mannerisms.

I had a lot of that actually when I was much younger.
I realized that the problem was actually 110% with me... our own perceptions and filters of insecurity shade and tint what we call reality.

The differences between people have largely to do with self esteem, not just intelligence,. And  these differences of perception are magnified by our place in the world among that viewpoint. One person can give the same compliment or the same insult to two different people, and based on their own viewpoints their reactions will be different.

If you tell someone with crippling low self esteem nice jacket, they might think of it as some kind of backhanded compliment or a dig. And if they had high self-esteem they might say, oh thank you I got it at Brooks Brothers and anyways....

If you insulted the person blatantly the low self-esteem person might throw out the jacket and / or relegate it to a closet never to be worn again. Where as a high self esteem person may have a layer of confidence that even distorts the insult to accept it as a compliment- 

Nice jacket Fonz--

Haha yeah ayyyyy, I'm going to go jump a shark tank later... anyways...

They'll both remember the situation differently.
One person might think of it as a reinforcement of a negative belief.
The other person might even see it as what objectively was an insult as an immature expression of how much someone cared about them.

Furthermore you can often time carry around beliefs that run you that are completely untrue. And the realizations that your entire basis of belief of the situation was pure fiction will bring up some of the cringest memories you can think of later on. I think we've all been there where someone said something and it just bothered us for a reason that didn't exist... some events larger than others... how much of our life is run off of similar but larger illusions?

It's all subjective. But the people you interact with are also riddled with their own layers of insecurity as well.

 

Edited by Sombra

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I loved that! 

xD many laughs from your about. 

P.s gotta love them meatheads @Sombra omg.... I was reading meatheads as methheads..... *cries* 

 

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@SilentTears  Thank you, I appreciate it!

There's a certain aspect of my personality that I tend to bring into this particular blog, where I tend to deconstruct myself (as in identities and behaviour) in a self-reflective and hyperanalytical way. I don't necessarily think like this normally, Iike I don't normally have a lot of extraneous thought processes. Normally I don't have that many thoughts at all, or if I do, it's mainly just to serve the purpose of whatever it is that I happen to be doing. Otherwise, I like silence and peace and quiet. Or I like getting things done, not thinking recreationally, except maybe once in a while. Chronic thinking drives me nuts.

I have written here and there that there's an intensely joyful aspect of my personality that is not normally seen in written form, because whenever I'm happy, generally I'm just doing the thing, and not really inspired to write about it. Probably it's all a part of this problem solving/ fix-it mindset.

This is a great openness and opportunity in this era, I think. There is more opportunity to be what you want to be, and do what you want to be, regardless of who you are and the type of circumstances you've originally came from. The barriers of entry are much lower to do many things (but also, many markets are much much more saturated as a result of this, but regardless, if you're serious and you're quality, you'll stand out no matter what you do sooner or later. So in a way, it's the same game it's always been unless you "luck" out.) 

Also conversely, more of us are more likely to get utterly paralyzed by the paradox of choice, not just in large ways with "big" life choices, but there are so many small distractions and ultimately meaningly choices from day to day. It's much easier to get distracted in this era with stupid shit that won't end up meaning much in the end.  

Despite all of this, a lot of us are actually going to make change. 

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@Sombra 

Quote

What if everyone wants to be there for you, but seeing that you don't believe it deep down... the inner thought manifests itself outwardly?

Oh, I totally believe that this is true. Believing this or tending to approach it in this way is an extension of a certain type of mindset... as in being totally responsible for yourself and the outcome of what happens to you, in one way or another. Generally, I would like to think that my social perception is accurate enough from moment to moment, like I have enough empathy and self-awareness so that I have enough clue of what's going on. But no matter who you are, there is a tendency to be self-absorbed and to tint reality, which isn't intrinsically negative or positive. It's also just reality; we judge and we interpret... and it's completely unavoidable.

My understanding and bias is that the more you are emotionally invested in an outcome, like you can't take or leave the outcome of a situation, the more likely it is to really fuck you up. As in you really care about the outcome and it HAS to be a certain way for you to feel like you're ok and things in general ok. In pretty much any endeavor, especially when it comes to dealing with people, but also when it comes to dealing with yourself.

There is a certain level of unconscious self-sabotage. Maybe it is THE essence of self-sabotage.

And then, just this inability or struggle to face reality directly without making it about something else (usually in an emotionally self-sabotaging way). It's precisely this element of turning away and avoiding certain things (like if you want to call it a core wound, or whatever), that when you face it more directly and deeply, it is the most likely to manifest and cause a situation like the one you described. There's all that compensatory stuff that's built on top, and then whatever's underneath that ends up exposing itself.

There seems to be that risk if you truly make yourself vulnerable, and you have ... certain issues. Especially with like, the romantic stuff. This is where people are the most likely to be the most childish and entitled (behaviours or ways of thinking that wouldn't normally be considered acceptable around other people really unmasks itself), or where core wounds are really likely to expose themselves.

What's your honest feeling or approach with how to deal with some of this stuff? (Particularly the negative core beliefs thing, based on your own experience, if you're comfortable talking about that.)

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@modmyth There's a quote by rumi I particularly like.

As someone myself who was probably one of the most jaded people of all time (kind of joking but a little truth in jest here)

I can say the only thing that made sense to me the more I went through the motions is-

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens''.

At first I had no clue what that meant... but both poison and medicine are an acquired taste. I had so much "medicine" in my life, of a broken heart, lies, deception, manipulation, and not enough "poison", being love, kindness, appreciation, etc.

Funny how I even label those things inversely than what you'd think... but love is poisonous, and we know that deep down.... and harshness is medicine... we also know that deep down. Time tells all about the nature of those things.

I also feel like adding, it's very odd how memory works.... we internalize our experiences based on the perception we had at that time period. So memory is an incredible unwise and fallible thing. 

We might have a "good experience" and a "bad experience", but if we were to relive those same experiences today, we might label them totally differently IF we label them as an experience at all.

An example you might have someone who you really loved... but that's love within the context of your perception at that point in time. 

Upon growing, and gaining more wisdom... it may become apparent to you that your position is a lot different than what you once thought it was.

Maybe that person was
1) a leech
2) a catalyst for you to change
3) a person of convenience because you had no better options

Maybe it really wasn't love... which might make it hard to not feel foolish or stupid... but maybe it was you looking for some kind of quality in that person that you actually lacked in yourself. In that case you're usually better off without them.

We rationalize and compartmentalize these experiences to avoid looking into decaying parts of our own emotional complexes that confuses us more than we care to reconcile... but usually everyone looks for reasons to overlook the obvious.

I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Depression, so I would try to lighten this up a bit but I have nothing better to say at this time.

Edited by Sombra

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@Sombra  I'm really curious about what you were like when you were younger! But in general, I tend to be really curious about people's backstories.

A good example of the fallibility of memory is if you journal or record certain experiences, particularly right after having them, and then revisit that record sometime later (especially significant amounts of time later. The difference in how you remember the actual event can be very significant, and not just the change in interpretation over time. Also, when something is important to you, there's this tendency to keep revisiting it and compounding it in memory. I think some people have a tendency to do this more than others, to get more obsessive about the past. 

I'm one of those people who prefers not to revisit or live in the past at all, whenever possible.  (Although I've spent large segments of my lifetime working against my own grain and at times introspecting more than I really care to.. It's good to know when to stop thinking and when to just be and do.) I think it distracts me from being fully in the present. I've had people tell me, yea, that's unhealthy (definitely an avoidance mechanism, which it can definitely turn into), but the opposite perspective is that this is a sort of "enlightened ideal". It really depends on what your intrinsic motivations are, especially the ones that might be subconscious or hidden (again with this importance of being honest and open with yourself, even if not to anyone else, but with the former... the latter tends to follow naturally IMO).

One of the benefits is that you stop doing what you described above, that tendency to rationalize, compartmentalize, and reframe perpetually... often in a way that really isn't to our own benefit or health. I have had this thought since I was... in my late teens(?)... that this is a huge part of how people age themselves emotionally and mentally, especially from watching people in my family closely, both my parents and some of my other relatives. The tendency to obsess about the same shit or to hold grudges, and watching how that transforms people over years, to the point there is the tendency to become old and sound like a broken record.

I told my dad when I was that age, I'm never going to become like that when I'm older. He said, pretty much everyone becomes like that, old and worn down, tired and jaded. I said, not me. I'll wipe everything out first. I guess I'll see how that goes, heh.

Anyway, to answer your Rumi quote with another Rumi quote, on what you do after you're broken open (and my own intensely manic tendencies):

"Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free."

 

 

Edited by modmyth
Thematically related song in spirit. Just realized I'm more like my father's son, than my actual brother is, in a strange way...

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34 minutes ago, modmyth said:

good example of the fallibility of memory is if you journal or record certain experiences, particularly right after having them, and then revisit that record sometime later (especially significant amounts of time later. The difference in how you remember the actual event can be very significant

Right, so true. I notice how this plays out in my own life/memory. I also notice that if I say "I remember this" I will often get clearity on the situation, however if I say something like "I don't remember this too well" all of a sudden it will become fuzzy and I have a harder times pulling on information. 

Growing up I had such great memory that people hated unlocking their phones or typing in passwords in front of me lol. I would remember it and like a month or week later I would ask if that was their password to see their reactions. Or I would just log into their things, yet I only did that with my sis. Just to tease and man would I get reactions.  Hahah. Silly me.

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1 AM REFLECTIONS// EVERYDAYS// This is kind of frivolous:

*So I live near a park where there are a lot of tall trees, two ponds, a lot of ducks and Canada geese. There are also a lot of squirrels, if not largely because visitors feed them constantly. Most of them get a bit thiccer than you normally see outside of that 1km squared, and are very friendly in the way that animals tend to be when a stranger is feeding them: their eyes light up and they look at you like you're a giant human-shaped food dispenser.

I started feeding them, and also went out of my way to name them:

Chonky
Chonkster
Mr. Chonks
Senor Chonkles
Noam Chonksky
...

This is mildly reminiscent of the time I ran around UVIC like a deranged Snow White playing with all of the rabbits (because inside I'm 10 apparently) when I wasn't doing that academic conference/ networking thing. I was that one weird superserious undergrad that was presenting because my paper got accepted with the grad student work. Actually, I wrote a paper specifically for that conference. I really wanted to write about the minority groups in China from an anecdotal perspective, I guess. Cultural underrepresentation. Also, I got to put on my historian's hat. I have no formal training in history making, I just love history/ historiography and have a lifelong preoccupation with reading it and asking too many questions about why things happened in the way it did.

“What it's like being attractive”/ attention/ “this is a bit weird”:

*I always feel more revitalized after the winter has passed, and it starts being sunny. It's not been rainy spring here, it gets up to about 15C during the day, so it's been time to expose skin for vitamin D... It's the odd and sudden reminder of my own physicality. Like entering the Twilight Zone. I didn't grow up with a focus on my physical appearance, puberty finished pretty late for me (late teens?) so I still find a certain kind of attention strange and surreal. Was taught to deemphasize it strongly as well, growing up. As in, hi, I am a walking-brain-in-a-vat-shaped-like-a-human? Anyway, after spending the winter mainly living in jeans, leg warmers, and sweatshirts, and denim jackets, IDGAS I'm wearing a minidress. Not a micromini dress; a normal length one. I have been waiting for this for months to not freeze my ass off.

I don't know. I'm not self conscious anymore about being watched for the most part, particularly in the sense of absorbing and responding to people's judgments and energy as an empath. (In general, this is the cure for a whole host of empath/ psychic sensitive issues related to people: DGAF, but it doesn't solve environmental sensitivity.) Anyway... yep. This is a body. I have one. I have one. You all have one. I lift weights, watch what I eat and supplement, and take care of my skin, I'm not ugly. I'm old enough where it's not an accident that I can maintain these blessed proportions, haha. My mind is on other stuff lately, TBH.

A random girl told me that my hair was really pretty. A dude catcalled me out of his truck, but it was just like a HEY. Like he was legitimately trying to start a conversation with me as he was passing by? And when I gave him a look, it was more like confused than offended, I think...

giphy.gif

...he gave me a SORRY look, and then drove away. A whole lineup of people waiting to pick up their booze (corona virus social distancing edition) just staring at me watching me walk down the street.

sorryfordisturb.jpg

Later, I wondered if that girl was flirting with me or just scoping me out. This is one area where I feel like socially I'm completely clueless. I have just never figured it out. I honestly can't tell the difference between a woman being nice to me and flirting with me unless it's super blunt ("you're hot!"), or I have happened to be with a guy who was absolutely insisting, yea, modmyth, that girl was most definitely flirting with you. So now you put the idea in my head since I don't know either way. xD

In general, you know you are attractive when random women start staring at you and scrutinizing you, and it's not mainly or just because of what you are wearing (as in, wearing really revealing clothing, or getting attention mainly for the ways in which your clothing choices do not blend in). Or when people in general just stare at you noticeably longer than they would otherwise to a stranger. I mean men, women, people who wouldn't necessarily be attracted to you physically, the elderly, children... scoping you out. In the way that someone would stare at something shiny. To the point that it would be considered socially inappropriate to otherwise continue staring.

In general though, the rule is... people decide these things for you, until you decide you're too old or too stubborn to play along anymore.

 

Edited by modmyth

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“Society itself is a collective hallucination”// an economy of believers

“Cyberspace. A consensual hallucination experienced daily by billions of legitimate operators, in every nation, by children being taught mathematical concepts... A graphic representation of data abstracted from banks of every computer in the human system. Unthinkable complexity. Lines of light ranged in the nonspace of the mind, clusters and constellations of data. Like city lights, receding...”

[From William Gibson, the man who foretold the internet (1984, Neuromancer).]

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12 hours ago, modmyth said:

This is mildly reminiscent of the time I ran around UVIC like a deranged Snow White playing with all of the rabbits (because inside I'm 10 apparently) when I wasn't doing that academic conference/ networking thing. I was that one weird superserious undergrad that was presenting because my paper got accepted with the grad student work. Actually, I wrote a paper specifically for that conference. I really wanted to write about the minority groups in China from an anecdotal perspective, I guess. Cultural underrepresentation. Also, I got to put on my historian's hat. I have no formal training in history making, I just love history/ historiography and have a lifelong preoccupation with reading it and asking too many questions about why things happened in the way it did.

“What it's like being attractive”/ attention/ “this is a bit weird”:

*I always feel more revitalized after the winter has passed, and it starts being sunny. It's not been rainy spring here, it gets up to about 15C during the day, so it's been time to expose skin for vitamin D... It's the odd and sudden reminder of my own physicality. Like entering the Twilight Zone. I didn't grow up with a focus on my physical appearance, puberty finished pretty late for me (late teens?) so I still find a certain kind of attention strange and surreal. Was taught to deemphasize it strongly as well, growing up. As in, hi, I am a walking-brain-in-a-vat-shaped-like-a-human? Anyway, after spending the winter mainly living in jeans, leg warmers, and sweatshirts, and denim jackets, IDGAS I'm wearing a minidress. Not a micromini dress; a normal length one. I have been waiting for this for months to not freeze my ass off.

I don't know. I'm not self conscious anymore about being watched for the most part, particularly in the sense of absorbing and responding to people's judgments and energy as an empath. (In general, this is the cure for a whole host of empath/ psychic sensitive issues related to people: DGAF, but it doesn't solve environmental sensitivity.) Anyway... yep. This is a body. I have one. I have one. You all have one. I lift weights, watch what I eat and supplement, and take care of my skin, I'm not ugly. I'm old enough where it's not an accident that I can maintain these blessed proportions, haha. My mind is on other stuff lately, TBH.

A random girl told me that my hair was really pretty. A dude catcalled me out of his truck, but it was just like a HEY. Like he was legitimately trying to start a conversation with me as he was passing by? And when I gave him a look, it was more like confused than offended, I think...

giphy.gif

...he gave me a SORRY look, and then drove away. A whole lineup of people waiting to pick up their booze (corona virus social distancing edition) just staring at me watching me walk down the street.

sorryfordisturb.jpg

Later, I wondered if that girl was flirting with me or just scoping me out. This is one area where I feel like socially I'm completely clueless. I have just never figured it out. I honestly can't tell the difference between a woman being nice to me and flirting with me unless it's super blunt ("you're hot!"), or I have happened to be with a guy who was absolutely insisting, yea, modmyth, that girl was most definitely flirting with you. So now you put the idea in my head since I don't know either way. xD

In general, you know you are attractive when random women start staring at you and scrutinizing you, and it's not mainly or just because of what you are wearing (as in, wearing really revealing clothing, or getting attention mainly for the ways in which your clothing choices do not blend in). Or when people in general just stare at you noticeably longer than they would otherwise to a stranger. I mean men, women, people who wouldn't necessarily be attracted to you physically, the elderly, children... scoping you out. In the way that someone would stare at something shiny. To the point that it would be considered socially inappropriate to otherwise continue staring.

This was all so interesting to read, I love hearing people's perspectives on matters which I have also experienced. I've been with girls who complain about how they are constantly stared at. Honestly, I've always thought myself to be fairly attractive and I never got stares, however I've gotten older men to randomly tell me I'm attractive, which felt odd at best. And girls will be touchy.... while writing this I realized I do get stares just not like how you describe. How can I forget information like that! Anyways, I find it funny how you can't distinguish between compliments and flirting when you are with girls, lmao. 

Oh man, environmental energy can be a bitch. I've noticed that training ones intuition helps a lot with this. It can kinda feel if you should go places or not. I know sometimes it's just socially more pushy to go places, especially when your with family. Good luck! 

Edited by SilentTears

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