modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

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@Zigzag Idiot  Generally speaking, I think of gnosticism as the sort of instantaneous apprehension process, where you just know. It's not conceptual. It's not intuition in the normal usage of the word either, which can be clouded by deliberation (conceptualization), and emotional attachments. It's also not referring to a creative act (which is what I had in mind here).***

To my understanding, It's a sort of something created by ones higher self, completely outside of time (and therefore "before" entering a body, which technically means not just this incarnation, but any incarnation, which is where things get weird and interesting...). Although it may have links to previous incarnations, in the sense that it's been fed or curated, energetically speaking, while in embodied form.

I seriously doubt he's from here, in the sense that a vast deal of his development as a soul did not happen here on Earth (but it's precisely this sort of thing I rarely bother to look up). For the record, neither has mine. We're a new species. The most advanced aspects of our culture (in any sense of the word) have tended to come in like this through "inspiration". 

Oh wait.... did you mean Gnosticism in the traditional usage, historical of the word?

Edited by modmyth
***this is a sort of more modern, occult definition. Side note that no one asked for: read about historical syncretism if gnoticism interests you as a subject. (e.g. pagan neoplatonism over a 1500+ year time span.)

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38 minutes ago, modmyth said:

did you mean Gnosticism in the traditional usage, historical of the word?

Mostly or loosely or maybe or somewhat. ? 

Depends on who's doing the shoveling? ? 


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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The meaning of "MODMYTH"// THOUGHTS ON UNIVERSAL MARKETING:

*MODMYTH (or, what my handle is about): It's actually a shortened form of “modern mythologies, which is a shorthand reference to Roland Barthes' Mythologies, which if I were to sum it up in the most basic way possible (the TLDR; edition), is that cultural narratives, especially as the level of mass culture, are our version of ancient mythologies. Myth has never died, at its core. It's more about the deep structure and function that it serves culturally, that how it appears superficially at a structural level.  He use the example of what's on the news, and I specifically remember an essay about how wrestling has much in common with ancient Greek theatre, as a sort of modern version of ancient pantomime that involves playing universal tropes or forces battling it out, often in a predictable way. That it's predictable is not the point, having an actual combat based on skill is not the point (like in boxing); it's about consolidating cultural values and restoring order (narratologically speaking).

*UNIVERSAL MARKETING: I have heard this notion that marketing is essentially narrative crafting, or ALL sharing ideas in this modern world. The history of ideas is the history of marketing done well, and ideas that survived time (almost via memetic fashion a la Richard Dawkins.) Seth Godin takes this view. Some academicians also take this view. (It was a prof who introduced me to this notion that Paul of Tarsus was one hell of a good marketer, one of the best that history has even seen in terms of sheer impact, selling some fringe Jewish upstart cult (in the most traditional usage of the word “cult”, not the less academic, derogatory sense), and repackaged and rebranded it so it became the official religion of the Roman empire via Emperor Constantine, the Nicean Creed, etc. My understanding was that Paul made more a universal religion in its values, and then promoted it relentlessly. We all could have more easily ended up with the cult of Mithras or something....

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All hail Mithras, slayer of bulls. Seriously though, there are any number of sun cults we all could have ended up with instead of Christianity. This was actually initially a more vital contender.

*I have been mulling over this question of universal marketing in the modern era, as it stands. Again, with Seth Godin taking a very positive and optimistic view towards the potential of marketing to do good as long as you as the humans involved personally have good values, not to mention that the internet era has made a lot of previous marketing a waste of time. (Duly noted: he is a marketer though.) As consumers we've learned too much, and have become too cynical about marketing from the eras before (mass marketing, television marketing, indiscriminately targeted ads with megacorperations pouring massive amounts of money into campaigns, and then he goes on to list a few examples like Nike, various car companies.), to the point that it's mostly obsolete. Or at least, becomes increasingly obsolete as time goes along? (A slightly more cautious interpretation.) We've become immune. Cultures and individuals involve. And then, on the other side, academicians who tend to take an extremely cynical view of the same phenomenon. Said prof said that well, marketing is essentially just the communication of ideas and the consolidation of cultural values (for the purpose of selling shit, whether it's things, or ideals and a religion), but also he said that he was afraid of being brainwashed by television and mass media, and I was like (???) Like I understand, but ok, put down the thoughts about solyent green for a little.

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(This is what your cannibal cult is actually about. ;))

Why are you afraid of yourself?

If you know who you are and what your values are, why be so concerned about yourself (as in your own psychological safety and integrity)?

What's the real reason you don't trust yourself and you don't trust people; is there some deeper reason there? (And maybe there are good reasons not to, but at least just think seriously about it.)

All that marketers are revealing are what you wanted but weren't yet aware of, even if it's a rather trivial or fleeting want. What makes you think you can be forced or coerced? It has to appeal to you first. There's no power there otherwise. So why give up your own power in the form of being cynical?

It's people who aren't aware of their values and what matters to them truly, who lack a fixed compass and sense of.... who are the most vulnerable to being marketed in a traditional sense. And even then. There are serious limits. This isn't some Brave New World shit.

Own your power. Own that shit. Practice being conscious of narratives. All narratives.

(He already was though.)

Also, let's be honest here, there aren't many people who are truly good at selling VALUES to others, particularly the more radical it is. And even so, they very much have to consolidate with the spirit of the times, and have to feel properly into people (having good “eq”) or nothing happens, and sometimes it is a matter of luck and striking while the iron is hot (being at the right place at the right time, for a specific something).

WORLDVIEWS: This phobia/ preoccupation with narratives is very much a thing in enlightenment circles too. An obsession with nonnarrative is a narrative. Blaming or holding narratives responsible for all sorts of shit as a perpetual focal point. Consider the energy of the thing being fed, outside of the actual content. Be conscious of your narratives, control them, dismantle and destroy, rebuild and employ for specific purposes. Curate consciously. Participate and relate to what exists, be creative and brave enough to be independent in thought, and not just pay lip service... diverge off the grid. (Or not, your choice.) Living in civilization is narrative making; not having thoughts and not speaking is good if you want to go out and live like an animal alone in the woods (not judging, you do you). Seriously though, this does not make a great collective cultural narrative. It does not an enlightened society make, and doesn't particularly fit well into these questions about the structure of cultural narratives on a meta level. I wonder what.

Some questions:

***what stories will get us to where we will go, collectively and culturally speaking?

***what stories should we tell about ourselves. Each other? (NOTE: Stories about ourselves IS our psyche.)

***What stories should we actually subtract?

***What visions of the world should we have in the future? Universal/ collective values? (Hopefully no one still thinks we're too pomo for this still. It's not going to help.)

***What do people want to believe about themselves? How flexible are we actually, in this way? Truthfully? (In a non paranoid kind of way.)

 

COVID-19 Soundtrack, apparently: I watched The Graduate, because Simon & Garfunkel has been on my mind lately? Relevancy: Jesus? Singing this outside while people look at me like I'm nuts while wearing their face masks: possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity.

 

@Zigzag Idiot Universal shovel. :D

Edited by modmyth
Think of this as a call to create universal & personal conscious narratives.

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1 hour ago, modmyth said:

***what stories will get us to where we will go, collectively and culturally speaking?

Cultural Concensus trance is synonymous with spiritual sleep.

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

what stories should we tell about ourselves. Each other? (NOTE: Stories about ourselves IS our psyche.

The soul is a field of impressionability and also multiperspectival. In spiritual sleep we allegorically live in just one room of a mansion. ?‍♂️

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

What stories should we actually subtract?

Literal interpretations of myth/scriptures which makes up the fundamentalists world-views and their influence which perpetuate stupidity, violence, and fear.

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

What visions of the world should we have in the future? Universal/ collective values? (Hopefully no one still thinks we're too pomo for this still. It's not going to help.)

Lost in scientism and Materialism we are separated from our true nature and as old chief Lodgeskins says- modern humans don't know where the center of the earth is and we don't realize we are strange and effectively insane.

 

From the vision of the historical figure Black Elk sometime around 1860-

And a Voice said: "All over the universe they have finished a day of happiness." And looking down, I saw that the whole wide circle of the day was beautiful and green, with all fruits growing and all things kind and happy.

Then a Voice said: "Behold this day, for it is yours to make. Now you shall stand upon the center of the earth to see, for there they are taking you." I was still on my bay horse, and once more I felt the riders of the west, the north, the east, the south, behind me in formation, as before, and we were going east. I looked ahead and saw the mountains there with rocks and forests on them, and from the mountains flashed all colors upward to the heavens. Then I was standing on the highest mountain of them all, and round about beneath me was the whole hoop of the world. And while I stood there I saw more than I can tell and I understood more than I saw; for I was seeing in a sacred manner the shapes of all things in the spirit, and the shape of all shapes as they must live together like one being. And I saw that the sacred hoop of my people was one of many hoops that made one circle, wide as daylight and as starlight, and in the center grew one mighty flowering tree to shelter all the children of one mother and one father. And I saw that it was holy.

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

What do people want to believe about themselves? How flexible are we actually, in this way? Truthfully? (In a non paranoid kind of way.)

Not integrating and individuating into our multiperspectival true nature, we sell ourselves short and perpetuate spiritual sleep.  Contemporary humans have unconscious fear and are manipulated by different propagandas -U.S.  military industrial complex, pharmaceutical industrial complex, world banks, multinational corporations.

 

?‍♂️Just having fun throwing it out there. Salt as desired,,, ?


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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@Zigzag Idiot  I feel like this is an uncharacteristically long response for you. Thanks for playing! :D As time goes along, generally interpretations of physical texts get less and less literal. Although, it has not been the era of holy scripts for a long time ....

Text is much more expendable now, both in words, thoughts, content, and the actual physical writing material. Paper itself used to much more rare and expensive. Only stuff that was deemed worthy of preserving via text was written down, generally speaking, by those who could actually afford and have access to paper. It's part of the history of history making (which is the history of record keeping and the materials involved that made it possible). It was in a way... a similar thing with photography in the early era. It was so expensive and cumbersome to produce at every step of the process. From carting a camera around that was much larger, the cost of the materials involved, to the actual photo production process (the latter I don't know that much about). People were much more careful and conscientious about taking photographs, and sometimes you can really tell in the quality of the photographs taken, and get the sense that photos were only taken of things that were truly worth preserving. Not so much now, yea?

Everything (as in, physical objects or products) is so much more expendable in a way. All forms of media and human products. Music. Film. Information. I feel like I'm making an observation that is so obvious that it's insightful, or so obvious that it's like... childishly obvious.

Anyway, we are in the era of reconvergence or unity. As to reverse this trend of cultural atomization which has been going on for... I don't know, the whole of human history as we know it(?), and has really been accelerating in the 20th century, and even more so with the internet. Cultural atomization is the niching of everything, including and especially information and knowledge, hyperspecific identities and individualization. It's not that this is intrinsically bad per say, but there is a massive failure to communicate and understand in a more universal way, in a way that is truly cohesive and far reaching. Naturally scienticism and materialism as we understand it breaks down completely. So... there's that to look forward to.

Yea, I'll also try to answer my own questions, as they stand now. At the time I wrote them out, nothing struck me.

Edited by modmyth

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FAVOURITE INSULT// CASUAL PETTINESS RETROSPECTIVE: I hope this insult lives on forever.

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(At least Drano has some kind of obvious value beyond taking up space and occupying time.)

And this is why, in general, I don't worry at all about being replaced, for the most part. Like, if you're going to replace me (let's just say purely retrospectively at this point), replace me with someone interesting, sparkling and magnetic, ok? At least their redeeming features should be fairly evident to the observant? Thinking about a specific ex who tried to make me jealous. But I laughed instead.

Bitch please.

If she was so awesome, who even needs you. We could be friends (at least theoretically) and then take over the world, or something.

***retrospective: yea, I recognize that "interesting" does not necessarily a good long term relationship make, in many cases. And neither does "hot" or the stuff of fantasies. But it's just so transparent sometimes. You do you, you want what you want. Doesn't mean I'm buying it. And yea, I'm judging you on your taste in women (or men, for that matter) and your relationship priorities (or lackthereof). Deal with it. (Also: don't take this too seriously.)

Edited by modmyth
1) I just get angry, instead of wondering endlessly about my redeeming qualities (or lackthereof). 2) I DEMAND MY SUCESSOR BE WORTHY, DAMMIT. 3) I enjoy creative insults as a recreational sport and art.

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THE NATURE OF OBSESSION// CREATIVE ABUNDANCE// A PERSONAL CRISIS OF SORTS:

*LIFE PURPOSE: A number of thoughts have been on my mind since I've taken a break from the normal schedule for a grand total of one day... I have been extremely prone to having existential crises since I was a young age, since I've been conscious, really. Ever since I was about 7 and developed the capacity for rational and self conscious thought. It's been, why am I here, what do I need to do with myself? Then there's been this overwhelming and restless and driving force which possesses me to read read read, think think think, figure out where other people are, figure out where I am, what is the truth (as it stands right now)?

Why am I here?

Why exist?

And then I will absorb and consume everything like a sponge... and then, feel the spontaneous drive and impulse to create. To output. To ask questions, and then to answer it as perfectly as possible to the best of my ability, as if it is an intrinsic function of my very being.

MOTIVATIONS: I feel the deep seated need to transform culture, in whatever ways that I am best suited to do so. To be useful and to create prolifically on a daily basis, and to externalize that drive, for what I had largely kept private up to now. That same drive that kept me working directly in transforming the collective conscious in what's mostly been an extremely private way, as I had written about it in METACOG? Now it is no longer there at all.

There is that immense sense of creative dissatisfaction and restlessness, where if I now turn it in on myself now, has the capacity to be immensely self destructive. I can't do it at all now, what I used to do. Because it wasn't the right time, I had to wait. Just biding time over here. I hated it, even if at other times, I wasn't really that keen at getting started on my life's work. (Let's just say that up until very recently, the collective (un)consciounsess has not been a fertile breeding ground for anything of substance, as this new world is coming into being, truly sticking.

We are ALL on a schedule.

*WORK IS LIFE: To be perfectly honest... I think I have one of those personalities where I'm not equipped to be happy with a life of leisure, particularly out here in civilization, as we've come to understand leisure and convenience.. and if we're all being honest, maybe this is more of us that we realize, even if this is what we're aiming for in the grand scheme of things. Cashing out. Cashing out with the family. With all of your shit. With your nice house and friends and spouse and kids... Yea, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with any of that. But it's not me. Like, no wonder I'm not fucking married, right? ...

I hope I have some version of work and purpose every single day that I'm living here in civilization, even if it's simply being here properly for people and being in the position to properly be present for a community (rather than a family in a traditional sense) and to mentor people in whatever way that's needed, unless I finally do get that log cabin in the woods.

Literally every day until I drop dead. (Very dramatic, I know.)

“ENLIGHTENED PEOPLE”/ JUDGEMENT: You have to ask yourself thought, where do these images of the ideal person come from, and what is it fucking worth? Why do anything if we're all going to fuck off and ascended/ return anyway? Who gives a fuck about what anyone thinks about you, when you have work that is important enough to do? Why work compulsively like this, consciously or not? Why bother being driven or motivated like that? Why bother?

Why play games of discernment and judgement, when you have the opportunity to BE directly, to be the true embodied form, or to DO (to be true embodiment in action). Why not make a beeline for direct manifestation?

For all the judgement we do, which serves us, and which doesn't? (As I have written about it, judgement in its positive form is "introspection" proper. Just don't trip over the ropes that easily enough get tangled around your own feet, ok?)

Take that all that extraneous shit, and cast it into the fire.  (Speaking as someone who sometimes makes things overly complicated sometimes. It's almost always a distracting mechanism that's covering something else that's primarily.)

ON BURNING IDEAS: take that idea of ego, ask yourself where it comes from, what purpose is it actually serving (WHO and what aspect of self does it actually serve, practically speaking), and consider fucking burning it.

CATCH-RELEASE-RETRIVE: If you love your ideals, BURN THEM. If they deserve to survive, don't worry, they come back to you in better form, more pure and stronger, in a way. In the service of something higher than concept or idea as we understand it. Call it GOD proper, or don't. Whatever.

JUST GENERAL GOALS:

***THE SAME DAMN GAME: To get a handle on this thing called culture, one way or another, particularly intellectually and creatively. In a "spiritual" or hollistic way. In the way that all these aspects bleed together perpetually, despite this tendency for culture to swing one way, towards stagnation and atomization (not necessarily simultaneous processes, by the way) and then in the opposite direction towards unity and a sort of pancultural homogenization.

** I will write and speak prolifically. And create create create. Output output output. Do the equivalent of cultural evangelization (for lack of a better term) with everything that I do (see the previous post of universal marketing and the history of ideas/ religion/ etc.), for whatever the best form is, whatever it currently takes. I adapt. Whatever is out there, whoever is producing whatever the designated best standard is, I will produce exponentially more and better quality. Yes, there is very much an intrinsically subjective quality to this, in a personal sense. On the other hand.. not at all. But yea, I need to think like this. Because I do already, that's what motivates me. I can respect other people's work profoundly and still think like this way, and would be flattered (in a nonfake sense) if other people thought me the standard for one thing or another. Raise the bar, people.

**Creative personality: I'm all over the place. First I start one project, and then I have another. I barely bother to look back, but now is a time to revisit what I've created over the years, and to see what is worthy of being externalized, and WHY.  I need multiple projects across multiple domains, for the ways in which I am a global/ thinker processor. Trying to focus myself to be overly narrow and focused in that way has NEVER worked for at any point during my life. I just have to roll with it, being the best version of myself. I'm not at all flexible in this way; I never have been great at trying to box myself in, because no one should do that many things. In the end, it utterly deprives me of my energy and my inspiration. And that's no good.

I get this force or energy and inspiration in me and I type so goddamned fast and I can't even keep up with the output of ideas coming into my brain because my mind is, on one level, tapped into more ideas that I can translate into words/ image/ ideas (in the unpacked form), and on another level, it's putting it onto actual words on paper (or whatever the medium is).

Apparently the solution is just to work on something mostly all the time.

Deep down, possibly I want to work more than I want to be loved. (And I say this, despite having been profoundly in pain for the last 1- 1 1/2 years, for someone who is now in debt to me AGAIN in a "karmic" sense, whether he realizes it or not, to whatever degree he realizes what this means now.)... Yet it is tied together, in one way or another. "Ego". Are you not supposed to have personal reasons for outputting day after day?

Edited by modmyth
My brain works too fast to edit well while I type. Oh well.

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26 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Ever since I was about 7 and developed the capacity for rational and self conscious thought. It's been, why am I here, what do I need to do with myself?

This is quite funny. I would do the same, but I would get lost in the bliss feelings that would arise from self inquiry. I would do this at the market with my father all the time and I used to see him getting embarrassed at people’s reaction to me questioning the universe and all there is. 

I still get distracted by the pleasure of asking such questions instead of really 100% focusing on them. 

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@SilentTears How did people react to you; did anyone actually answer your questions seriously? I used to get hyperconscious/ hypersensitive about my questions being irritating or burdensome all the time when I was that age, up until puberty. Then it was rage central, haha.

So I mostly figured out everything that I could myself, and avoided asking questions to adults, period.

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9 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Then it was rage central, haha

LMAO, that made me laugh too much!

oh yeah, no one liked my questioning growing up. I was told not to do that in public all the time. No one ever gave me satisfying answers growing up either. Just a bunch of theory and speculation on their part. 

There was a time that I stoped questioning for about a year I think. Then I ended up falling into self actualization and started doing serious self inquiry 

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@SilentTears  I had massive amounts of anger as a teenager. For visual reference, there was this post I made a while back. :ph34r:

I used to work with kids, and I always made a point of answering their serious and and earnest questions equally seriously. And I just don't get particularly offended or impatient with honest question asking. Which meant that often I would get asked more and more and more questions. I actually think it's one of the more endearing traits of children, that sort of curiosity. If I was to generalize in the extreme, we tend to lose that and get very boxed in, monotonous, and habit forming in an unconscious way, as adults. And also, to lose that spontaneity.

...as funny as it is when I've heard some of the lies adults have told kids, and how sometimes people just went on a long time believing it, even into adulthood.

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"Childhood Trauma": When people told me that Bambi traumatized them when they were growing up.... I was completely traumatized by this movie, which apparently they rated as being A-OK for kids. I don't know. Was it a different era? Was it mainly Richard Adams?

My thought process: Yes, I love rabbits, they're my favourite animal, so cute! Oh... they're dying and bleeding everywhere. (I'm what, 5 or 6?)

 

I don't think I had ever thought about dying and what it had meant at this point. This might have been my first formal introduction to it (and also my first formal existential crisis). Also, this song still makes me bawl my eyes out.

 

In general, despite having a rather conservative upbringing compared to some of my peers, my parents were not that strict about withholding me from watching "adult" material in terms of seriousness, depicted death, nudity, as long as it had some designated redeeming intellectual or artistic quality. Overall, I'm grateful for that.

Plague Dogs is also really depressing. As an adult.

Edited by modmyth
SURPRISE CHILD, THIS IS LIFE!: I think I still might traumatized by this movie.

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CONTRADICTIONS/ OPPOSITES: (returning again, to what was intended to be this confessional/ revealing nature of this blog.

*Sensitivity vs. Toughness: There is something in me when I naturally cry really easily. And yet, within the last couple weeks, I have written about the work I have done with the collective consciousness in the past 17 years, which is one of the number of things I have been called to do with my life. Where I have seen some of the worst things you can imagine in psychic space, with extreme vividness. >insert blank, use your imagination here< I have remembered on a visceral level what it is like to die physically and to do harm to others as well, and have barely flinched at all with much of this, in the sense, maybe you would expect a proportionately large reaction. There often isn't one. 

 

*CREATIVITY// the plight of the creatively minded: There is nothing that I love more than the blank page, even on the occasional instance where I have absolutely nothing to say or to do with it. I see a blank page and I start to hallucinate possibilities immediately. I see a poem, a story to tell about myself or others (real or imagined), a system, a new way of thinking, a philosophy. A huge list of things never explored and never thought of yet. I imagine things not yet done, things that could be done, and I get very excited in a childlike way. And I am like this perpetually, until apparently there is nothing worth doing or nothing to do.

I used to do a lot of free association, which I originally picked up as a method from a short article that Ray Bradbury had written about his writing and brainstorming process. He was a list maker, and would just make lists of things that came together spontaneous in association, and then cobble together stories out of that. I mainly used it for generating visual arts ideas, actually, in the creation of a sort of personally visual language and vocabulary. Particularly for years, I was inspired by Takato Yamamoto and his composite visual style and then the inclusion of many different distinct (and sometimes random) visual elements. For writing, I found it too restrictive, and not compatible with my natural way of thinking and processing.

 

Y SO NEUROTIC?: I have a serious question and a thought, for anyone, coming from a place of relative honesty and vulnerability.

Consider this possibility: we are shaped by our upbringing, our life, our circumstances, our desires, and choices, into becoming the kind of person our "highest" self (or soul) wants to be, as well as the kind of person we consciously want to be. Some varying degrees of choice and circumstance.

No matter how "enlightened" you are intrinsically, there used to be this notion that suffering and personal conflict is intrinsic to great intellectual and creative work, and to the work that is the life of a great spiritual person/ personality. It used to be that all this shit came mainly from the outside, but guess what, many many aspects of how we process psychoemotionally have changed over the past millennia and centuries. PSYCHE, as we understood, exists directly in relation to our environment and stimuli, as well as to our goals, hopes, and dreams. It always has. A few other thoughts:

1) It's how you chose to handle it that reveals the most about you, yea? (intrinsic/ extrinsic conflict.)

2) To what degree is your own suffering something you can sell as a sort of worthy life narrative, and why? How much of it is really just you believing in the purpose and arc of your own life consistently and deeply enough to convince other people? Or, (not to exclude the previous point), it is just being very charismatic and a good liar?

3) To what degree do you need to be a good liar to yourself, first and foremost? At least long enough to Get The Thing Done? (aka. If you ain't buying your own shit, you shouldn't be sellin'...)

INSTANT GRATIFICATION: Have we lost this notion now? Is this no longer sellable to the masses? And if so, why? It's not just a matter of being in love with suffering and difficulty for its own sake, and finding (on whatever level and degree of consciousness to unconsciousness), the perfect conflict and level of torment so that you can have the perfect breeding ground for greatness.

Anyway, I think there something about being a very productive, very creative, and prone to hyperfocus and obsession, which intrinsically breeds dissatisfaction. Add the tendency for extreme sensitivity and emotional volatility into the mix (that's inborn), as well as the tendency to numb that out (because, well, the world). Add to this the great number of ways in which the world is NOT ideal whatsoever, that is must change quickly, and we must change quickly, personally and collectively.  Add these all together, and then what do you end up with?

Someone's who's either going to fucking make it or end up dead prematurely, probably. Maybe both. I'm not proud of it. I'm not going to romanticize this. I believe I have mentioned in here, I hate that fucking tortured genius archetype. Is that a bedtime story for some people? Have some empathy and some understanding, but don't fetishize suffering in that way for its own sake, like it exists primarily as some kind of bohemian lifestyle choice or something. Seriously, go and fuck yourself if you do that.

What if you're the most enlightened person on Earth and you still have these tendencies? Say your dissatisfaction manifests in a more... productive way. But it's still a sort of dissatisfaction or a sense of lacking in the end.... on the INSIDE. Why? Because the world is fucking lacking and there is no intrinsic division between yourself and the world. Or the hand of god leading you from one place to another, feeling one way or another beyond compulsion. On another level, yea, you totally recognize and feel there way in which everything is intrinsically perfect and not lacking at all, whatsoever. "Contradictions" which are not real and wholly imagined, and you know and recognize this fully.

And yet, where does this driving need and compulsion and FORCE and desire to change the world actually come from? What is the energy of actually getting shit done? Is it from some lukewarm sense of peace and satisfaction, like here I am, this fully formed and enlightened being? Yes, hypothetically, it's possible. Is it efficient?  Hell no. Not generally. Not in this world, not where there is the need to overcome or overtake rapidly through conflict. And generally speaking, conflict is the fastest and most efficient mode of transformation.

We become the shape of whatever it is that we need to be, as dictated by our TOTAL self.

(JUST ANOTHER UPSTART CULT: So I am not Christian at all and have no enduring preoccupation with Christianity for the most part, although I don't care for rigid ideologies, institutions, and ways of doing things period. It's just against everything that I start for and how I function, period. Lately, I have been thinking of what Jesus was thinking and feeling when he overturned that table in the temple, and was like FUCK INSTITUTIONS.

More generally, is there any one person on Earth who can escape the hammer of being molded by life and circumstance into what the soul dictates you must become? No matter how you are born and whatever you start with. I say NO. Absolutely not, absolutely no one.)

Edited by modmyth

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REVISIONIST HISTORY// MALE PROTECTIVENESS: Well, this post feels awkward and rambling.

So I officially got back together with an ex. I guess he would be THE ex, in terms of the sheer amount of actual life history. It's so strange to have come all this way, only to make a full circle of sorts. I am feeling a rare sense of peace that I haven't felt for a long time, but also sadness. I have known said ex for such a long time (since I was 16), that in the end, what's happened in the last 3 years, strangely only ends up feeling like a lengthy blip or hiatus in my relationship with him, where we already have known each other so well and for such a long period time, that I have felt like I'm perpetually one foot in and one foot out with him, even when I'm not with him. We have always continued talking and being around each other in one way or another.

*I have had this perpetual tendency to seek out men who are NOTHING like my father. (I'm still trying to figure out, what exactly does that say about me, other than I really didn't appreciate large swathes of my childhood very much? Like certain traits or attributes actively turn me off. There is absolutely none of this, trying to regain or fix the relationship with my father through another man, which I gave up on entirely as a teenager. I will never have his approval; it's not worth it anyway. Moving on...) Yea, my dad has good qualities, but I tend to also have a lot the same good qualities. I don't need them in a partner. It's nice; it's not essential.

My dad was cold, emotionally distant, and a terrible listener. But he was intelligent and analytical; I learned a lot from him (in the intellectual sense, he taught me a lot about how to write and how to think, although perhaps I very well could have easily taught myself a lot of that. He also taught me A LOT that I really went out of my way to unlearn. Maybe more on that latter.) He just talked and talked and enjoyed having me around because I wanted to please him, to be the person that he wanted to be (which in a way, was being as little there as possible). It's easy to be liked when you're molding yourself around someone so thoroughly, and being unappreciated and feeling unseen, unfelt, and unheard comes just as naturally. Anyway, I am not attracted to that shit, at least, I would never have stuck with it at any point in time as soon as I became aware that I had a choice to be with someone and to CHOOSE. I immediately chose different things. There's a lot more to it than that. Maybe later.

Also, he seemed to lack a protective bone in his body. Neither of my parents were ever protective of me in a way that actually made me feel protected, physically or emotionally. It was just like... yea. I have this roof over my head. My parents were afraid of someone abducting me. That's literally it. As long as my physical body is in one piece and everything appears fine enough, who gives a shit about the rest of me? That's how I have felt around them most of my life. I got the downsides of a sort of protective paranoia without ever actually feeling like I was protected in any significant way either. It felt like being in jail.

THE EX: Said ex I spent the most amount of relationship time with was warm and emotive (at least with me), very physical and touchy feeling, intelligent in a very DOING way (but very much could hold his own in an intellectual conversation and was very intelligent in the classical sort of way, he just didn't give a shit about school and structure in that way), extremely protective, impulsive at least when he was younger (prone to being extreme rage and violence if threatened), with a strong sense of intrinsic right and wrong ("honour"), a sort of ingrained and instinctive duty to protect. I would describe it as nurturing, but like... in a very manly sort of way. He is a very good listener too. Very important to me.

ALSO NOT LIKE MY FATHER: Yea, I guess I have preferred raw and uncouth, as in technically uneducated (by formal education), which at most points in my life has actively turned me off, like congratulations, you have cultivated your intelligence in a highly institutional and systematic way. Now you're trained to think just like everyone else or else they punish you for it, for the most part... and I would know, I've done the gauntlet. That's... not attractive at all. Anyway, I have a history of being attracted mainly to raw, native intelligence.

I stayed with him for such a long time for a reason. Yes, clearly I was compensating for something that was lacking.

Anyway, we were friends for a few years first. We bonded over our different but arguably equally shitty childhoods. Books and our shared gaming habit (at the time). We both had a different version of getting slapped with the highly 'gifted' child thing, but with different outcomes.

 

Edited by modmyth

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TO SERVE AND PROTECT// LOYALTY:

TEENAGERS/ 16/ A Paraphrase: A while after I first started talking to him, I asked him... what's your life purpose? Do you feel like you're on Earth for a specific reason? He said something like, I was never really sure for most of my life, but then I met you and we started talking, and something clicked on an instinctive level. You deserved to be protected in all the ways that you never were, and I just generally need to be there for you. In whatever way you need.

I told him, apparently I'm destined to change this world profoundly. I just know. I have had this driving, restless force in me since I was very young, to figure things out (as I have written about it here in earlier parts of this journal). To know everything. (When the time is right.)

He said, I know. I can feel it too. That's why I want to help you, in whatever way I can.

As if somehow it isn't blindingly obvious, I haven't always been totally appreciative and grateful.

What feels like love and protection so easily becomes something claustrophobia-inducing and smothering, when my other personality traits swing to the other side. You don't always want or need it when someone is prepared to give it to you. Yea, I have written about some of these tendencies in ARS EROTICA, that my mind works a certain way. (Yes, I can and am totally capable of practicing severe psychoemotional repression and keeping it under control, at a heavy price. The question is, what purpose is that serving ultimately?)

On his side, he has been really prone to jealousy, in a way that most people would probably consider totally rational and reasonable. It's called being monogamously inclined (at least towards me), or more of a take-it-or-leave-it-attitude towards sexual novelty. Well, it seems like both of our personalities have leveled out somewhat.

There's that conflicting issue of “safety” vs. “novelty”. At this point, we have literally known each other for over half of our lives, and have grown around each other in a way. And he has spent so much time adjusting to dealing with a certain sort of BS of mine. (what's your flavour of BS?) For the ways in which... at times, certain aspects of my personality have clashed and contradicted, and in the ways I tend to be all over the place (the desire for freedom and novelty, both sexual and otherwise). Like I say one thing, but really mean another (again, mostly related to sexual/ emotional issues, I am not like this about say... intellectual or spiritual issues or principles at all). And for whatever reason, he has handled it as intelligently as I could have ever expected anyone to do so, for how erratic and inconsistent I've been.

COMMITMENT PHOBIA// THE POWER OF REFRAMING: So..... I really probably shouldn't be giving this out as advice. It's not advice. I'm just going to say that it kept me on the hook for a very long time, willingly so. (And sometimes, very much to my own frustration. Like I felt like an addict, and like there was some aspect of myself which I really had to get under control, which I did. Fucking boring though.)

When a woman is like, I don't know if I want to be with you, I have a problem with “x” relationship problem, or something about the future. So then you can be reassuring like, well, we can talk about it later,  and then reframe the conversation in nonverbal way...  while still using words. The desire to be with someone or possess them in a certain sense overrides the subject of the conversation, honestly. Just seduce and fuck her well (this is very much an emotional thing too, as it always it is). If you can somehow manage to pull that off, congrats. She's not going anywhere, at least for a while.

Why did that work so well on me? Well, I got the restlessness fucked out of me. So I'm happy. At least for a bit. Fucking rinse and repeat. I'm moderately embarrassed to write that, but it's the truth.

Also, when expressing disinterest, doubts, boredom, and uncertainty about our future and the future in general, a “don't worry about the future, just be with me right now” has actually been incredibly effective. Apparently, that's been what I wanted to hear.

Don't tell me not to be with someone else (either explicitly or implicitly), or try to manipulate me to make me feel bad about my desires some way or another. Just distract me and make me feel good. Don't try to box me in. Suddenly, I have become incredibly much more interested in what YOU want. This is actually a huge part of it. Don't try to change me like that. I want to stay feeling like I have full choice, voluntarily, otherwise, it doesn't mean anything to me.

(Honest to gods, at times, including right now as I am writing this out, I myself have been asking if I have been worth dealing with. In a practical risk-vs-reward sense, and less a self-hating sense.)

Edited by modmyth

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FULL CIRCLE:

Consider that I have made it very difficult for people to get and stay close to me at times, or that when I was growing up, quite literally my parents isolated me from my peers in numerous ways. The former has been on purpose.

Say some part of me has wanted to see who would be there at the end, for the ways in which I manifest nonideally, in the ways that I may not always be recognizable as my true self/ personality, when I have deliberately made it so goddamned difficult.

In the end, apparently it's him. It's not that I want to be loved for being difficult or being nonideal per say (that does not appeal), but moreso that I want to see who is really serious. And secondarily, who understands me, how they understand me, and what you want me for. How what I do and say is interpreted, and how correctly. Yea, I've been watching.

Everyone else disappoints or bails. That's life.

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Edited by modmyth

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1 hour ago, modmyth said:

It's not that I want to be loved for being difficult or being nonideal per say (that does not appeal), but moreso that I want to see who is really serious. And secondarily, who understands me, how they understand me, and what you want me for. How what I do and say is interpreted, and how correctly. Yea, I've been watching.

Wow...

xD that's interesting how your so analytical. Literally it's so fun watching how the different aspects of people bring about different results. For example, how does that make you feel? 

I was just dancing in my room jumping around and I feel like I've become a child. So when I see the adultness of seeing you analyze I had a sense of sadness. 

Honestly, it's quite nice that you are the way you are. It's beautiful. Reading your posts you go so in-depth

2 hours ago, modmyth said:

apparently I'm destined to change this world profoundly. I just know.

I have the same feelings. I'll stare out into the sky feeling this. It helps light a fire inside me. I love following this fire and allowing for it to flow through me. 

Anyways, I like reading your journals, take care. 

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I loved that! 

xD many laughs from your about. 

P.s gotta love them meatheads @Sombra omg.... I was reading meatheads as methheads..... *cries* 

 

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@SilentTears  Thank you, I appreciate it!

There's a certain aspect of my personality that I tend to bring into this particular blog, where I tend to deconstruct myself (as in identities and behaviour) in a self-reflective and hyperanalytical way. I don't necessarily think like this normally, Iike I don't normally have a lot of extraneous thought processes. Normally I don't have that many thoughts at all, or if I do, it's mainly just to serve the purpose of whatever it is that I happen to be doing. Otherwise, I like silence and peace and quiet. Or I like getting things done, not thinking recreationally, except maybe once in a while. Chronic thinking drives me nuts.

I have written here and there that there's an intensely joyful aspect of my personality that is not normally seen in written form, because whenever I'm happy, generally I'm just doing the thing, and not really inspired to write about it. Probably it's all a part of this problem solving/ fix-it mindset.

This is a great openness and opportunity in this era, I think. There is more opportunity to be what you want to be, and do what you want to be, regardless of who you are and the type of circumstances you've originally came from. The barriers of entry are much lower to do many things (but also, many markets are much much more saturated as a result of this, but regardless, if you're serious and you're quality, you'll stand out no matter what you do sooner or later. So in a way, it's the same game it's always been unless you "luck" out.) 

Also conversely, more of us are more likely to get utterly paralyzed by the paradox of choice, not just in large ways with "big" life choices, but there are so many small distractions and ultimately meaningly choices from day to day. It's much easier to get distracted in this era with stupid shit that won't end up meaning much in the end.  

Despite all of this, a lot of us are actually going to make change. 

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@Sombra 

Quote

What if everyone wants to be there for you, but seeing that you don't believe it deep down... the inner thought manifests itself outwardly?

Oh, I totally believe that this is true. Believing this or tending to approach it in this way is an extension of a certain type of mindset... as in being totally responsible for yourself and the outcome of what happens to you, in one way or another. Generally, I would like to think that my social perception is accurate enough from moment to moment, like I have enough empathy and self-awareness so that I have enough clue of what's going on. But no matter who you are, there is a tendency to be self-absorbed and to tint reality, which isn't intrinsically negative or positive. It's also just reality; we judge and we interpret... and it's completely unavoidable.

My understanding and bias is that the more you are emotionally invested in an outcome, like you can't take or leave the outcome of a situation, the more likely it is to really fuck you up. As in you really care about the outcome and it HAS to be a certain way for you to feel like you're ok and things in general ok. In pretty much any endeavor, especially when it comes to dealing with people, but also when it comes to dealing with yourself.

There is a certain level of unconscious self-sabotage. Maybe it is THE essence of self-sabotage.

And then, just this inability or struggle to face reality directly without making it about something else (usually in an emotionally self-sabotaging way). It's precisely this element of turning away and avoiding certain things (like if you want to call it a core wound, or whatever), that when you face it more directly and deeply, it is the most likely to manifest and cause a situation like the one you described. There's all that compensatory stuff that's built on top, and then whatever's underneath that ends up exposing itself.

There seems to be that risk if you truly make yourself vulnerable, and you have ... certain issues. Especially with like, the romantic stuff. This is where people are the most likely to be the most childish and entitled (behaviours or ways of thinking that wouldn't normally be considered acceptable around other people really unmasks itself), or where core wounds are really likely to expose themselves.

What's your honest feeling or approach with how to deal with some of this stuff? (Particularly the negative core beliefs thing, based on your own experience, if you're comfortable talking about that.)

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