modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

792 posts in this topic

22 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Yea, not posting so much lately. Here are some gifs.

Sorting out a few things lately.... because my brain the past few days.

 

I'm enjoying your Journal. Wish I could keep up better.

Expression through Gif's is a wonderful idea. I kinda do that through sharing music. Not every time I share music but often, though. 

'Though' - is a word I seem to be over using lately, though. ??‍♂️?

Edited by Zigzag Idiot
Typo

"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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Not a purge post, just processing a lot still lately. Finding that it's more efficient to process than to write about it and process it at the same time. So assorted things posted instead. Hopefully more writing again soon. Hopefully some big changes are coming my way in my life now.

Relatable.

These are so well made. :D

 

Childhood nostalgia.

Still alive and stuff. Bye bye to my old life.

Edited by modmyth

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CURRENTLY// 46 & 2// NUCLEAR:

*still completing or recompleting an energy merger of sorts. Mostly it involves WAY more talking and interacting than I care for, which would not be so much of an issue if I was not constantly wondering and keeping in mind my objectives: is this a waste of time, the way I'm choosing to handle things? Still opening the heart and the mind, in a way that feels rather literal. Still not enough sleep.

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*This is space has also been a good way of sorting out my priorities through a process that is less... externalizing? (Like writing down here). The dialogue and dynamics are constantly shifting in psychoemotional space.
*THE BLANK SLATE: The remnants of my life as I've known it continue to fall apart, and really there's almost nothing worth keeping as I have known it at all. Not that I ever felt like I had much to hold onto anyway. Wondering, always wondering when I start to build something that will really take hold and gain momentum. Too much piecework otherwise. Always anticipating reaching that point.
*Where to go exactly? What to do next? Reaching the point where I will absolutely plan it out, whether I'm feeling eager and excited to or not.
*THE BLANK SLATE 2: I have been waiting to rebuild psyche from scratch. Or to have something completely different in its absence. Waiting. Writing. Preparing.
*Dreams and visions: So I had been trying to move on from attachment to the main person that I've been writing about, and generally, over and over again. Do you what really hasn't been helping with my aggravation? I keep having dreams and day visions about him with his wife and family, just doing shit. I watched his marriage (or a version of it) and assorted personal moments. It's been driving me INSANE. It's horrible. Yea, I felt like I was in some of a daze as this was happening, like, can this really be happening? Then I would occasionally see photographic proof of it after because of well... curiosity. Thanks social fucking media.   :D

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*CRAZY GAME: My mind has been associated with said person, who I have avoided trying to associate myself with for the last year or so. So I entered last summer absolutely unable to escape associating myself with him, because identity wise, in some way, I did associate myself so much with him (especially my mind). ….  I went through this process with a handful of a differently people, including his wife. And then reflected on the ways that this reflects psychoemotional reality normally (as in, I wanted to be in her place, I guess). Then realizing that I could probably only “detag” myself once all of my issues were resolved. Dispelled.
*Still dealing with the feeling of a wasted life, suicidal idealization, and purposelessness head on.
*Dealing with the feeling of being abandoned in a very direct way (particularly how I was feeling last spring and summer), and the feeling of purposelessness in the last 3 years especially. I had so much hope and excitement come spring 2017 Broken dreams. Of having no home to go to. No family (or no choice for one, as I imagined it).
*Perhaps finally I've released the desire for suicide/ to not be here (passively or actively), or am very much on the verge of it? I want to watch illumination reach all those hidden cracks of psychoemotional space.

What's next? What's next? What's next?

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Dealing with the remnants of my once and former life: ...

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Edited by modmyth

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DREAMS/ Past and current life memories:

*I dreamt about him last night. It's strange, whenever I dream about him, I always have gotten this sense of the ways in which he has felt separate... this sense of isolation too from others, his surroundings, and the sense of walking through his head, the feeling of it, and sometimes lingering.... I often feel like it's my joy that clings to him the strongest.

*Getting the sense of him feeling invisible or transparent even while the focus or centre of attention, or as if a certain significance hasn't been imbued to him yet.

*Considering all the ways in which I have had acute past life memories of walking through his life, his memories, and in this current life too. Being inside and between his relationships, somehow, at times. Other memories. I might write more about this.

Past life: and of course, I have asked these questions about the validity of these memories. Am I projecting? (I have a post going through the sort of thought/ evaluation process for determining if past life memories are legit or not).

*Years ago, I feel like I recognized him, like a many layered veil slowly being removed from my eyes. I recognize his voice, the familiarity of it. His eyes... I would recognize them anywhere. The times it has hit me, it has really hit me, like a freight train. (Like he has no idea how beautiful he really is. And it hurts...) This is starting... circa 2014 I think? Definitely no earlier than 2013.

A past life memory: the life before I remember who I was. The ways in which my personality manifested differently in certain ways. The way I looked and the vibe gave I gave off. With certain memories, I remember what I was wearing, what my house looked like (oh, it's the 70's) the colour scheme and the fabrics especially. How incredibly specific, haha. I am pretty sure I have general memory of what outfits I was wearing too, of what my issues with my parents were (like the overall shape and a certain dynamics of abuse/ mindfuckery. Gaslighting?). I dreamed about this recently, but these details are veiled because when I left it behind, I didn't want to remember them, or my former life in general, really. I could just tell.

*Also remember hating where I lived, I have a certain memory of this... teenage discontent(?) Would I describe this as hate exactly, or some mixture of boredom/ apathy/ disconnect/ disgust? Wanting to leave it behind? Old habits stick. (I feel alone, I think of myself as... singular in this place.) I was showing up to some kind of social gathering, and there were a group of middle aged women. I can't tell if they were actually looking at me in a disapproving way or if I was just strongly projecting. But I had gotten used to this kind of dynamic with older people. Antagonism. Literally radiating disapproval + disapproving looks. I wasn't very... proper?

*I remember the moon, the night sky. His face in the moonlight. His eyes. The shadows of the trees against the night sky (always, these silhouettes trigger a deep sense of familiarity in me, in this lifetime and past lifetimes.) And various other stuff. I also have a memory of snow, and him, and myself being in that body. And the way he looked at me. I can't explain it. I think I was... 17 or 18 here? Extremely vivid, both of these memories. The former I've seen through both of our perspectives (like our eyes, literally), the second one is through my perspective.

*I do in fact remember shadows of former friends and times spent. But it feels so much farther away. And very much like shadows. A question mark flowing through empty space and empty people and faces. I remember what they were like vaguely. I was much more social, I guess.

*I actually have veiled memories of this lifetime circa about 2013, I think I have it recorded somewhere. Where I can tell very clearly, this is me... yea, why do I look so different? And my personality is manifesting a lot differently. I do feel... a lot more radiant. Finding it harder to relate to in this lifetime. I look kind of like a girl I used to go to French immersion with in grade 7, but not exactly. I was wondering why I was blonde. :D Starting at... I think 11-12 up until 15. Yea, I had no idea what it was about. I think I also had a memory of someone I might have been dating? Not sure if "dating" or overly intimate friends. I can't tell how old I was. 13-15? I remember that he had really curly hair, that it was kind of a brownish blonde colour, and that he was into hard rock.  .....

*****I found a dream log from Oct. 31/ 2019 about this: For the first part of the dream, I think I was (or was following the perspective of a slender blonde girl with shoulder length hair. She looked like a girl I used to go to school with, with I was in grade 7 and grade 8.) I remember hanging out with other girls my age, and finding them a bit rough around the edges, but also like I didn’t have too much trouble getting along with them, and shifting from social groups… although at the end, I found that I was alone more than I wanted to be.

I started dating someone far older than me, a teenager who was about 15 I think. Others thought this was fucking weird, and were offput by both him and his age. From my outside perspective, he was trying very hard to seem like he didn’t care about anything, aka. Too cool for life. He asked me what music I was into. He was into hard rock and metal. I remember that he wore a black cap and sweatshirt, blue jeans, sneakers, and had long frizzy, light brown hair, and sometimes wore sunglasses. I thought dating him was a great idea. I don’t remember him being very physical with me, or vice versa.

*Something weird: I have the memory of being 6 years old (in this body), and looking at myself and wondering, why do I look so different? Why is my hair not blonde? xD In retrospect, after I got a little older, I wasn't sure if it was because I was self hating, actually. I guess it wasn't. Somehow I hadn't adjusted to my appearance for whatever reason. Odd.

*DEATH: I remember what it was like to die in that life. The first time I remembered, it was the summer of 2017, I remembered it so intensely that I wanted to vomit, as if it literally happened moments ago. It's was something very visceral, almost if the memory came from the gut. I remember the feeling of my mind feeling disorientated (as if swimming in my own brain), probably I was drunk and/or high. I drowned in a vehicle with glass shards in me. Knowing that there was no escape, and that in a way, an aspect of myself had planned it this way (even if not consciously). And the following of the impulsive drive... suppose this is the will of the heart?

One of my first thoughts upon having this memory, was making it look like an accident was a very “me” thing to do. I didn't want anyone to feel response for my death or absence, as more of an instinctive thought process or feeling. I just wanted to stop being there, didn't feel obliged to be there. On a gut level, had run out of things to do, of purpose. Had burnt myself out. I was honestly planning to do the same thing in this life. …......

I guess I didn't expect anyone to miss me. Same shit if I had died in this lifetime; didn't expect anyone to miss me either, and was really hoping no one did.

Edited by modmyth
fucking typos again k

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October 19/ 15, this kind of goes with the journal entry I posted in Ars Erotica.

Last night I thought of >< again (who I had dreamed about 4 days ago). I was feeling this love for him, and I wanted to send it to him. I felt a spirit cluster around me, and I heard it's (his?) voice very clearly in my head. He said, he’s in love with you too, you know? Without a shadow of a doubt. He loves you and always has. He wants you, he’s keeping an eye out for you. I sensed a subtext to this, the supposed aching and bewilderment, nostalgia, longing, the desire to come full circle and come home. I told the spirit: what does he want and need? I sense this raging gap within him, and I know what the answer is. He wants to know what it feels like to belong, to feel less alienated, because he feels like he’s never been able to close that gap in his life. I understand this empathetically. I focus on all my love, my sense of being alive and full, and presence. I was told channel that energy into a line downwards from the crown centre into the third eye. Ok. Within moments, I feel like I am a little bit depleted of that energy, and instinctively I know that he has received it. I feel gratified knowing this.

***Assorted very hypersexual/sensual thoughts that I had written after, not included.

Edited by modmyth

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When Sandwiched between the Dialogue of Negative Self Talk: ++ two things I find really annoying.

1) "you're impossible"....

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1) "thanks".  I'll walk my way out one way or another.

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2) bitch fucking please.

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2) "I'm not responsible for what happens inside your mind.

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Just amusing myself with the chilled out version of megainceptionmindfuck over here. I love my own mind/ psyche, it's the most fascinating thing to see it mirrored back to me, especially in fragments and misalignments. The infinity chamber is more interesting than the standard echo chamber (or the non echo chamber where you're endless yapping on to yourself while sometimes maybe paying attention to your thoughts and emotions, and the impact they have on you.)

**My natural native personality is pretty extreme in some ways. It's either all in or all out. Either I'm going to change the world completely, or I'm going to accomplish absolutely nothing in the future. My bet's on...

**In the process of engineering a new identity over here. Some old things, some new things. More isolated again lately.

Edited by modmyth

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Reflective Ragepost?: (The rage burnt itself out really quickly, tbh.)

Wow, I haven't done this in a little bit. I have a lot of rage in me today. No issue. Conscious rage channeled is forward moving momentum. Anger channeled properly is one of the fastest ways of clearing out the old, ways of processing, and leaving you with a relatively blank slate. At times... embrace anger (and at other times, dispel it), just set your parameters for expressing it carefully and contain it.

*How deep is your well?: Deciding more vs. less enlightened based on a bunch of visible stuff on the surface. Or, more or less ethical. Yea, I see a lot of this around. It's a bunch of bullshit. I don't buy it at all; when I overwhelmingly get the intuition of it being a matter of fitting in a preconceived box of what fits a certain image or type.  Is there is not a sense of resonance of things behind the surface, things hidden behind veils and fractures and deliberate and unintentional misdirections... flowing through people, places, circumstances? Does truth not have scent or a visceral taste to it? Does it not ring clearly in your heart, clearly, and without direct causation or source? It exists simply for itself, because it does. On one hand,we tend to rely deeply on this... intuition, or the belief in it, whether it's truthful or not. On the other hand, getting distracted by shiny shit when it comes to people, places, etc., because of a lack of understanding and awareness of your own psychoemotional motivations, the inability and making excuses for facing yourself. Appreciate it, emulate if you want it truly, but at the end of the day, making excuses for this in yourself is nothing more than weakness.

*"TRUTH": how often does the prince show up as a pauper, and how often does the saint show up with a sword? How much looking do you want to do, and more importantly, how directly will you look without looking away? You don't look with your eyes; not at first, anyway. You feel completely with your core, into the core of another, because there is one core. Differentiation of mind is a beautiful thing, actually.

*How often is the deepest rage and despair just barely cloaking something phenomenal; the heart of this universe itself? Can you not feel it beating inside you, drawing  you to it? Do you have to spiritualize something directly, or to have some one spiritualize it for you (e.g. Dark Night of the Soul) in order for you to find it palatable enough to consume? (BTW, I love St. John of the Cross, though I don't have an intrinsic love affair with ascetic living; I have mentioned here that I have lived very ascetically in spirit.) Do you know how to take something that is raw and perhaps uncouth and unprocessed, and see the native value in that? Do you know... how to make this into something? To refine it through your seeingthinkingfeeling? This is art through living.

ALL THAT IS: Do you see the beauty of infinity reflected in the smallest aspects? Just because it is? Without reason or prompting?


*Hungry Ghosts: The whole world is full of people who want people to give them an understanding, a way of being, if not necessarily to take it on wholeheartedly, to make it just tweakable enough for personal tastes.. practically begging and waiting to be sold a prepackaged this or that... which is at its heart is MEANING. This is all ideology. Spiritual ideology, no matter how sophisticated and beautiful it might be (almost all of it, I find it not to be.) This is.... well, on one hand, if it works for you, power to you and to the highest happiness in your life. So it serves you, you don't need to ask the question of what it serves, and why, to either be thinkingfeeling for it. On the other hand, I find the blindness to this bias something I can't ignore easily. Most days, it doesn't annoy me. Today, I find thinking about it really irritating.

*Despite this...own your Hunger: Making meaning is art. Don't shit on it. Inevitably you are shitting where you are eating, etc.


MEANINGMAKING: A sharp perceptive eye and people who are passionate about observation (as well reflection and interpretation), this is something quite rare and that I value and admire a lot, personally. It's pretty sexy actually. But I was always that kid who was asking why this, why that, why is everything the way it is constantly... all the time? It never leaves.
*As a general rule, as an antidote for an attitude of entitlement: Understanding is GIVEN to others, not received. You create understanding yourself. And in the case that you receive an understanding, it comes with all the attached baggage of a person's biases and experiences. So "detagging" this and reintegrating it properly into you own working psyche// functioning can be such a pain in the ass.
 

***OBVIOUS/ NOT SO OBVIOUS: The most spiritual is what is not spiritualized AT ALL. It's so naturalized you don't even know WTF it means to conceptualize about it in that sense, it just comes out directly without filters or conceptual separation, in a sense. Naturalization. Etc. Same kind of principle, the most sophisticated is what it as absolutely simple and direct as possible, in order to convey a given purpose, goal, spirit, etc.

Edited by modmyth

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I salute you for reflecting on yourself in such variety! I try to do that to but privately. x) I am not saying what you do is worse or bad or wrong, its acctually more badass and out there. :D

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5 hours ago, modmyth said:


MEANINGMAKING: A sharp perceptive eye and people who are passionate about observation (as well reflection and interpretation), this is something quite rare and that I value and admire a lot, personally. It's pretty sexy actually. But I was always that kid who was asking why this, why that, why is everything the way it is constantly... all the time? It never leaves.
*As a general rule, as an antidote for an attitude of entitlement: Understanding is GIVEN to others, not received. You create understanding yourself. And in the case that you receive an understanding, it comes with all the attached baggage of a person's biases and experiences. So "detagging" this and reintegrating it properly into you own working psyche// functioning can be such a pain in the ass.
 

***OBVIOUS/ NOT SO OBVIOUS: The most spiritual is what is not spiritualized AT ALL. It's so naturalized you don't even know WTF it means to conceptualize about it in that sense, it just comes out directly without filters or conceptual separation, in a sense. Naturalization. Etc. Same kind of principle, the most sophisticated is what it as absolutely simple and direct as possible, in order to convey a given purpose, goal, spirit, etc.

Below I attempted to find something from the Ridhwan Glossary that was a similar expression. ?‍♂️.

 

Being the True Nature that Inquires and Reveals Its Truth

We continue to ride the razor’s edge until, at some point, our inquiring, our taking responsibility, and the self-revelation of Being become one thing. The inquiry moves to new ground. Prior to this, our inquiring and the self-revelation of Being might seem like two things, two forces interacting in a dialectic, interacting from varying degrees of proximity or distance until the interaction becomes so subtly and intimately connected that the inquiry is spontaneously happening as the dynamism of true nature revealing its possibilities. This is what I call diamond meditation, which means that we are being the true nature that inquires and reveals its truth. True nature inquires by being open and interested in its own revelation. Its inquiry is an invitation for it to reveal its mysteries. The inquiry and the revelation can become so connected that, at some point, they are one movement. Inquiry becomes a dynamic revelation, a nondoing with a dynamic engagement.

Runaway Realization, pg. 132

 


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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SHIFTING FACES// THE END OF AN ERA:

So it's been over a week since I've written in here. For some reason, it feels like it's been a month. :D Things have gotten... way too insular for my tastes. So time to start writing in these journals more again as I have been processing and writing a lot still. I just haven't really felt the point to posting most of it. ( Y bother?)

1) Preparing to get up and move now ASAP. Fuck this place (in the nicest way possible). I've wanted to move away since... my early 20s, at least? I feel like I've wasted the last 5 or 6 years of my life resolving my current issues, learning about myself and what I was supposed to do... and just in general, I feel like I waited too long. Beautiful place with beautiful nature. There isn't all that much to do here, and I've never felt like I was supposed to end up here. So I avoided forming a lot of connections after university because I just felt like... I would get distracted, I guess. Didn't feel like explaining myself too much, didn't feel like opening up, didn't feel like it was the right time.

***WAITING FOR NOTHING: It's hard for me not to still feel bummed out that it feels like shit all was waiting for me on the other side? No man and no urge to just stick someone there. No life as wanted it or hoped for it. No home. Sort of have been feeling like there's no one truly on my side in any significant way for a while now, not as I had felt it was like before, even in the ways that I wasn't able to fully open up... (I have been making war with myself now because of this, and have been turning away from myself too, and also I've very much been doing whatever I can to wrap it all up. Almost to the point it feels forced. Too much goddamned time with this shit.) It's hard not feel like... build everything yourself biotch. Which I suppose was what I was expecting on some level.... with negative expectations? A lifetime's worth of shitty LOA? The slate gets wiped clean thoroughly now. It's very likely me and my best friend (who I've known for over half my life) are gonna move to Taiwan. Gonna brush up on my Mandarin now.

***Apparently making the best use of my time while I felt stuck here, trying to resolve my emotional issues and residual PTSD, meant feeling bored while hiding a great deal of pain and suffering. On some instinctive level, I didn't wish to share it with anyone or burden them... especially directly. Where you would feel my pain directly, on a psychoemotional level. Sometimes I've been given shit because I've been told that I take too much on myself, I'm too insular. Maybe that's true. I've lived most of my life this way, a great deal of it not by choice.

2) Preparing for a legal name change now. I am actually pretty damn excited about this. It represents... a symbolic and total end to my life as it was before, so I feel good about it. And I get two middle names, so there's that. I don't have too much good to say about my former life, other than I feel like overall, I really made the best of my energy and time. Especially after.. last September. Things ended up far worse than I myself would have been able to imagine. Released my attachment to how turns out.

3) Double checking to make sure the last remnants of my PTSD has been knocked out. Then to deal with some health issues, because I made a promise to my former self to not allow myself to be retraumatized. Also, essentially dealing with this myself, in ways that I hoped that I wouldn't have had originally. Opening up fully to myself first now, and perhaps others very soon now.

4) In general, just going through and very aggressive and very thorough transition phase. An identity change and a shift in roles. Scripting very aggressively this shift in identity, very explicitly how I am changing, what role I wish to play in this world, etc. The kind of person I wish to embody. I was doing this a lot last year, but I stopped. This summer/ last September sucked. Suppose I will share some of my scripting here, or in METACOG. Considering ways in which I can positively reframe my whole life other than great amounts of sacrifice and self discipline starting at a very young age (ascetic spirit), because I am struggling with that,

5) PLANS: Assorted long term goals, for the next 1,2, 5, 10, 20+ years.

***In general, everything I've written about here is getting reframed and worked through. Giving myself an attitude adjustment. I want to feel as light as feather, and wrap everything up properly. It's the bare minimum.

God, I need more things to do. 

This song has been stuck in my head for a week straight. I like this tune unironically.

TMI, also sounds better sped up slightly.

+++Goldblum has def evolved into daddy.

My natural instinct is still very much, fuck everything, I want to forget and think of my past and everyone in it as little as possible. I have gone very strongly against it for years. Was it worth it? Maybe, maybe not. Something in my heart asks me to reframe how this phase on my life ended, but still....

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Edited by modmyth
HYPERAGGRESSIVE SCRIPTING: I've scripted about 70 pages in the past 2 weeks... plus whatever I wrote on paper.

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PSYCHIC DECONDITIONING/ REPERSONING:

God, it's been almost a month since I updated? It's been too long. Yea. Just busy falling off the face of the Earth again.

*NOTHING PERSONAL: The last 3+ years never happened in a personal, psychoemotional way. I never remembered (but, this spans back to... 2014 or 2013 earliest)? I work very hard and aggressively to wipe clean all my psychoemotional imprints, desires, pain. The hopes and many things that came to be. The significance of my last past life, wiped clean, and cumulative lives, related to him. I prefer to not even think of him as a person at all. He didn't exist. We never crossed paths. Many messages were missed plus a bunch of mixed signals. You missed what I wanted or it never mattered. Means nothing. Not my issue now. Apparently the point of it all was just default to what I would do instinctively. Erased the imprint of waiting for absolutely nothing at all. I never existed. I was never here. Don't bother remembering me. I serve my function.

You hear what you want to hear (and what you are capable of hearing and processing). Everything is always filtered through this. 

NONRELATION: As a side note, I don't really understand at all who he is and what he's become, and why he's done the stuff he's done within this time period, for the most part. We seem to be living in opposite ways now. Not so before. Many many things came to me and were recalled effortlessly. I died, while he married. Who knows where he was and what he was doing. Other than misunderstanding and missed messages on a conscious level... he kind of just did whatever he wanted.

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*HIGH ENERGY MERGER: If there is one thing I'm going to get in this life, up to this point and shortly soon, it's this. I have nothing else that truly matters to me at this point, nothing in a personal way. I have no past and no future. No earthly attachments in the sense that I don't have anything/ anyone I really care about losing (not that I don't care about people, but I am very unattached). Nothing to get sentimental about. I am... not really a person at all, in a sense, and I haven't really felt like one for a while. The last year and a half or so has been exceptionally brutal and dehumanizing in ways that I may have managed to hide well enough.

*PSYCHIC POROUSNESS: Being profoundly connected to someone's mind, subconscious, desires, collective space, as well as to yourself in this way, to all the space in between, and in the passive role? I hate it. Good riddance. Interesting in a way, and... I absolutely hate it.

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Not much to see here. Moving along...

***It's very much a survive and prosper strategy.

Edited by modmyth

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So, going to make a concentrated effort to keep posting in this journal at least once daily again. This is mainly nonmeditation and spirituality related work, at least in the direct sense.

LINGUAPHILE: I've been spending the last couple weeks focusing on my Mandarin/ written Chinese, and once I start one thing, I tend to start a bunch of other related things. So I picked up Mandarin, have been studying Cantonese again (my other mother tongue), and have been sporadically been learning simplified and traditional script at the same time. I figured that it would be easier to learn the same word twice at once, than to learn it separately, but I'm not sure to be honest. Not sure how to test this one out. I have a tendency to be both very haphazard and very disciplined when I want to learn something badly enough.

I have been aggressively making use of Anki (spaced repetition software), as I originally saw it suggested here by @Sombra I try to focus on doing at least 500 distinct flashcards a day; usually this takes me less than an hour, and I spend the most energy on reading sentences/ grammar (since the latter is probably my weak point, aside from the sheer number of characters that there are to memorize, but everyone has that issue?). I am also making a concentrated effort to memorize all 214 radicals starting a couple days ago. This is the closest thing Chinese has to a written alphabet, which reminds me that in general: I am grateful alphabets exist. This is both an entertaining challenge and a pain in the ass, but I do have prior experience with learning Mandarin formally. I just have never used it in real life or even academically in the past.

I also picked up, just casually, the Arabic alphabet again (I learned Classical Arabic script WAY too fast originally and then put it down right after because I had other things to do, and then essentially forgot everything. But I'm learning MSA now, which is basically the same thing but without the vowels. What else can I do with classical Arabic other than read the Qur'an, which honestly does not interest me that much?)

Also adding to my Spanish/ Swedish vocab, which is the kind of thing which can be done casually here and there. I'm thinking about picking up Devanagari script again after this and learning a language currently in use, as a opposed to a dead language (Sanskrit).

OVERAIM/OVERACHIEVE(?): Going for the ACLA gold standard I guess (10-12), because why ever the fuck not.

ART: I have been taking a hiatus from the visual arts thing. The drawing/ painting hand is a couple months out of practice. I just don't have any new ideas. Sigh. I've spent too much time marinating in my own brain prior to the last 2 weeks. I hate it.

WRITING: I did about 2000 words yesterday of channeled automatic creative writing yesterday, and about 2500+ words today. I've been picking up an old habit, and it will be much more structured in the future. The quality of this will be determined in retrospect. xD

MOTIVATION: Sometimes have a lot of aggression turned inwardly which is immensely productive and at other times is not productive at all. Inwardly I tend to be like...

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Edited by modmyth

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@modmyth  Good luck, i'm glad you're back posting. 

Can't wait for the Vancouver summer B|

The quarantine puts a damper on it, but hopefully the virus resolves itself soon.

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