modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

787 posts in this topic

SOME NOTES: So within the next month// 30 days.

1) I will do everything humanly possible to unlock all major energy blockages/ (the current rules/ usage restrictions. Like every spare moment possible (it's an orientation, a dedication, a devotion. 100%)

2) I need perfect psychoemotional control and foresight when navigating what comes up. And just grit and courage to look away, and not to overengage what comes up.

3) I need a new identity/ modus operandi installed, for the ways in which my current one is a fragmented and rearranged version of my old one (I can make almost anything work. (identity cohesion, you need it to function well in the world, but it must be compatible with openness.)

4) deep breathing all the time (or as much as humanly possibly), keeping the energy moving through open centres.

***I explained to someone today that trying to get my life right (as I knew it before), was answering to these hypothetical questions (that perhaps no one had asked).. well if you're like this, if you have all these skills and aptitudes. Why is your life so hard? Why do you express yourself like this? (Other than the cleaning your room metaphor which I've used before). Say I have significant painting skills from the get-go. Then someone hands you a dull knife and a steak, and says, draw the Mona Lisa. Sometimes I feel like that artist, that this is an appropriate metaphor for this live I've lived. :D And sometimes, the appropriate thing to do is to get frustrated. To still wonder if you're doing the impossible, or the end result of this, however it is done... whatever will be, will be.

I  don't want to be here as I am anymore, but I've said that for a while on this journal... pretty much the whole time I was here. Now I will commit to it fully, so there will be as little time as possible that I'm not accelerating, keeping an open stance, etc. Whatever psychoemotional or psychic phenomenon comes up now, I face it directly without barriers, as much as possible. (As I felt like I was forced to before, come the end of this summer).

*FACING the urge to die directly now, without running away. (Breathe in, breathe out.) That feeling my goddamned life has been an absolute waste, a disappointment, a perpetual shattering.

There is really nothing left but living for its own sake (in its purest rawest form). And that's ok.

I BURN AWAY (still).

And anyway, I can't take any of that with me. It all goes. (And when I've reached that certain equilibrium point, the will and attachment to live... becomes exactly, what, anyway?)
 

Quote

The friend comes into my body looking for the center,
unable to find it,
draws a blade,
strikes anywhere.

giphy.gif

Looking at all these NPCS wandering around everywhere. Haha Oblivion...

 

Edited by modmyth
waiting to be able to take on my new name and to change it legally.

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ROMANTIC EXPECTATIONS VS. REALITY// more emotional processing:

*After all the chaos and internal destruction of the last 1+ year, the one thing I find the hardest to let go of, is what I keep writing about here. Failed romantic expectations. So I keep facing it over and over again, in a way. And it does not release its grip on me very easily, and vice versa... I struggle massively to release my grip on them.

*Expectations: like I was not fully conscious of my desire to be married (or closely bonded) with someone in a public, official way. Literally tying myself to someone that I thought was worth being tied to. It was something that I kept secret in my heart and was dismissive of mostly the whole time, because of my stance on marriage, institutionalism, etc. In retrospect, I feel like I was not and could not be open enough, at that time, and could not be open or comfortable expressing my desire...except in a "haha, what if" kind of way. Feeling like I was hurting too much from my past, traumatic childhood etc. And when my expectations were completely dashed, like I watched him get married to someone else in a very public way... that was what it took to face it, being forced to face it.

*It kind of feels like there's another woman perpetually in my place. I don't want to feel anger and resentment toward her, but I do. Like something which belongs to me (or should) was taken. I have been hating them both (him moreso), moving away from that hate, and just ignoring the situation whenever possible, except for choosing to face in very segmented time periods (this is usually when I feel compelled to write about it here). I had been feeling like the rational adult thing to do was to disconnect emotionally and heal/ resolve in private. Something forces me to deal with my emotions in a more directed and connected way that I would otherwise ever choose. I find my resentment/ anger in this way ugly, like not characteristic of me at all, and so I find this difficult to face directly as well. (While at the same time believing.... own and face all your hate and resentment directly. Do not pretend to be better than how you actually feel; where does that actually get you?)

*He called another woman the love of his life, in a public way. Like, either I was completely delusional (like I have been asking this question over and over again), or he's lying in public, even if not to himself. I myself am willing to face the possibility that I have been delusional so I can move on with it, but I am very very sure that he is straight up lying. Feels the need to put something there to replace what was. That is what I will forgive (who needs  baggage), but not forget. And what I have said here is true despite my anger and pain, this is not the way of the future. Completely openness and consistency is. Which is why I considered what future expressions should look like, both currently within my lifetime, and in the future as well.

*I wholeheartedly believed that he would have been there for me in a romantic way after I was done dealing with my issues. Truly. My feeling this way... was not a game to me. (And it's been very difficult to face this level of attachment and hope directly). For a while, it absolutely blew my mind, this possibility that he wouldn't. Like, I feel like it missed my fucking train, and it's not coming back. So I'll just stand there like a fucking fool for a whole fucking year. :D (What it even really there?) It didn't compute. I couldn't square my mind and expectations with reality (normally, I would say that I am not like this, in either my attitude or expectations.) That shit fucking hurts.

*Honestly, I would have given up a great deal (say the things I have written about in ARS EROTICA). I do generally have control over my thoughts (yes, there is a level of suppression in this, especially if you are not open in your heart and cannot release your desires). And my desires, while rather.. expansive, I can mold to a specific situation. I can change the way I express my energy and personality, for the most part. I believe that other than core/soul essence, personality, as we understand it to be, is something that is highly moldable. It is like a junction point between your goals/ objectives in life, adapting to your environment and social reality, AND an expression of your core essence. But this can manifest itself "authentically" in more than one way. And so, expression of personality can change greatly during the course of your life, and still be "authentic". Would it have been the RIGHT thing to do for me personally? Maybe. I don't know. (Technically I can live without any romantic or sexual expression at all, but does that make it ideal? not really.)

*Heart and mind did not communicate properly, in my case. Sucks when you have an attachment to detachment, because of how it makes you look and feel (or not feel). Isn't this what's actually going on pretty much all the time, when people act in this way?

*However, apparently if wondering if I am deficient in my raw attributes doesn't really occur to me on any deep level. Like am I lacking in certain core attributes compared to another woman, is she more >something< than me, more worthy? Nope. Although I have considered it (like, to what degree might she have something or more or something that I  don't have?), emotionally I don't get attached to it or affected by this so much. I don't go crazy with this line of thinking. Although, it's like, if you're looking for certain qualities (like for example literal motherliness), which I am not and am not that interested in being (except under the most specific stringent conditions), I guess we're both SOL.  Which means that generally, any of my insecurities are something that I wear on the exterior, like illy fitting clothes. (I kind of assumed that everyone was this way ultimately?)

*I just felt like I had issues that weren't resolved. And then when I was resolved, open, in a more authentic state, he would just be there. After all, he said that he waited for me. (And I had believed that he was the one person that I was waiting for, who would make my life make sense, in a structured, fatalistic kind of way.) Why would I have assume that he wouldn't continue to wait for me? If that expectation or expectation wasn't put there, I wouldn't have assumed. I don't feel like life owes me shit intrinsically; like generally, you reap what you sow. I wasn't expecting a fucking handout (but I have been feeling bad about myself as if I have been, being so hung up on this issue, which in itself seems like an act of self hate). Like I deserve better than this, but where is holding on to that feeling in that way going to get me?)

*But if someone lets me know what they want in a heartfelt way, and in the end they just walk away from that... what conclusion am I supposed to come to exactly?

*I choose to keep opening up now, in whatever way possible, from moment to moment. (It goes with what I said in the above post).

*Romantic Culture/ Spirit of an Era: I feel like in a different era, maybe a more romantically inclined one, having public hysterics about someone in a completely irrational way, is more... I wouldn't say acceptable necessarily, but understood. Some people you care about so much it just makes you feel completely crazy, even when you would not normally be like that at all. That feeling like you can't go on without someone, or that you can make sense of your life in any meaningful, positive way without them. Or you know... you could put something else there, as I have been preparing for (which I suppose is what I originally thought I was going to be doing with my life, anyway). But it's just not the same anymore. Makes me wonder if this was fate, why the need to face it in this way? Has there not been enough brutality and disappointment in my life (For when life spares you nothing.)

*I like to be in control of my circumstances, emotions, psyche in meticulous way. I feel a sense of pride in going against the grain and exposing what I feel are my inconsistencies, unresolved shit, etc. The willingness to look crazy, incoherent, overly vulnerable, questionable and what looks ugly/ unappealing, is a great strength, especially being raised in the way that I was, and the fact that I am naturally inclined to be this way as well. I will walk completely against my own grain (as I've been) and society, for the sake of resolution.

*LOST IN TRANSLATION: It feels like so much has been lost in translation. Like he didn't really understand me psychoemotionally in a clear way, and vice versa. I totally thought we were on the same page, or at least would be in the end. We weren't. Blinded by some kind of secret optimism, that eventually things would work out?

giphy.gif

Also mood.

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***Not sure the degree to which we are bound to each other is because of the choice to love, and just being straight up forced to do so. Like, no other choice for either of us, ultimately, karmically.

Edited by modmyth

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THE WILL TO LIVE:

*Since then, I have been asking myself, what's worth living for? What's worth living for? In a personal way, beyond the collective good. What moves me, truly? And this is one of the hardest things I have to deal with. What happens when you can't really be moved very easily, when very little has truly moved you in your whole life, in this world? You look around and just... very little inspires you, is worth inspiration in a personal way. Generally, I feel this is a lazy and entitled approach to life (in my case especially, being who I am), but it's understandable as well. (Like if nothing inspires you, find and make what inspires you. But then.. what if you've been burned out? You take care of yourself, and regain some energy, and then you start over. You have tethers to the past? Resolve and release those tethers. Etc.)

*You can't synthesize raw desire toward something, some goal, if you truly don't feel it inside. Like just snap your fingers. You can tell yourself that you should feel that way (which is a sort of overlay), but really... how can you be surprised when you get no happiness or satisfaction from this approach?

*You can cultivate attachment and purpose towards a specific purpose or person in a slow or measured way, but I find this unappealing. Like just something people do. I wanted love that was worthy. I wanted it to hit me like a freight train. I.... wanted it to last forever. To be beautiful. To wake up everyday, and to be like... on a personal level, THIS is why I am alive. I didn't want reasonable love, the love of a marriage of slowly adapting and compromising to someone who just barely gets you in a deep way. Deep love. Deep understanding. Communion. Inspiration. I wanted everything. I wanted to give everything. (I didn't feel like I could give it as I was...) And yet, to be able to be so direct and relaxed about it, despite how everything has turned out? Only just learning how to do this now.

*However, you can cultivate and make space for joy and desire, for absolutely no other reason, that it exists. That this is all that truly is. And perhaps this is the purest expression anyway. But still..

*Isn't it nice to be able to live for someone? Or some people? Attachments and all? (Until it doesn't work out and it's the most fucking unpleasant and devastating thing.)

*Wouldn't it have been nice to have been inspired so deeply (as I was), and then to be able to hold on that? To cherish that source of desire and inspiration? With someone who I thought felt the same way about me, who was on the same wavelength, and ultimately wanted the same thing?...

Edited by modmyth

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COMING CLEAN: A Timeline of Trauma and Openness// Reclaiming my Heart: I feel strongly that there are no half measures when it comes to openness. I have written about how my trauma has impacted me, but I've never been very direct about what happened to me exactly. Well, here it is in a nutshell.

1988// Oct. 13 - I was born in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.

4-5 old, I moved to Canada. (Sometime between this time period (prememory), I was molested. Memory blanks, but the shadow and imprints of what was there.

7 – I heard a voice asking me to hide myself, and not to come out for a long time.

11 – went into Late French Immersion, became especially self conscious.

13 – some abilities/ sight started to manifest more distinctly around this age.

14 - rebelled a ton, was put into homeschooling, was raped (not by the person who molested me). (This ends up being a sort of spiritual initiation period, as the last event pushed me off the deep end when it came to psychic functioning.)

15-17 – Was homeschooled and isolated for 3 years straight. Had a mental breakdown near the beginning, proceeded to put my own mind back in order without any support acknowledgement, or assistance. “Powers” were probably the most extreme during this age, also rage.

18-22 – switched off psychic/ higher functioning because I got exhausted with how difficult it was being me. Disconnected from higher mind in general. Went to uni, had a lot of normal functioning, was quite good at it.

20 (approx.): predicted future role in world, future agreed to stay at least 10 years to reassess.

24(?) - Found out that I was molested and that everyone who knew about it lied to me, but someone came clean. Had another breakdown.

25 - Saw him for the first time. Had the sudden inspiration for METACOG (wrote everything down that came up in a fury, in a day or two.) The first time I ever saw him and we made eye contact, it was like some kind of invisible lightening came down from the sky and hit me and everything else ...

2017 (early) – Believed that I finally received back the sign I thought I was looking for, fell hard in love, proceeded to fuck up my life more (in retrospect)

2019 (late summer) - MAJOR mental breakdown, arguably the worst one of my life.

2020 (Janurary) - “1 month challenge.”

***This album came out the year I was born, and I heard this song for the first time when I was 15-16? I had this and also Aion playing a lot.

Edited by modmyth
Why has it been such an effort to speak directly rather than to speak around a topic? Sigh. You reap what you sow. Also, it's not like I'm the first person to have had shitty circumstances.

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PURGE POST: The late 90's// early 00's. I didn't grow up watching this show, but was introduced to it by someone who had. I didn't have cable until I was like... 13-14, and it was just basic. All the good channels were missing.

Probably the best moment from this show, haha.

Filmed on a VCR potato, apparently. :D

 

 

Edited by modmyth

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5 hours ago, modmyth said:

MAJOR mental breakdown, arguably the worst one of my life.

If you don't mind me asking. How did you remain functional through this period? Were you still going to work? What exactly did your breakdown consist of?

I've also had a mental break down too but it was when I was 19 and lasted until I was 20. It was like a mental breakdown/deep depression. I basically became non-functional, but thankfully i lived with my parents so i didn't really have to do anything.

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@Raptorsin7  Well, I had already had a few other breakdowns, and I'm really good at functioning and focusing under extreme duress, apparently. Like when I was homeschooled, I had major issues at that time as well, and I was just... expected to function, even though I told my parents that I was having a lot of trouble due to extreme depressiveness, paranoia, hallucinations. (With the hallucinations, rape trauma made it so I went from being able to see like auras, etheric bodies of objects, shadow people and phenomenon to full blown like... I can see everything. Everything that I "hallucinate" looks so real that for a while I would have to stop and think about it for a moment. But if I saw something that frightened me, well too late, I already reacted. I never went into excessive detail with them, but they were extremely dismissive. They wouldn't let me see a mental health professional (which may or may not have been for the best, since I ended up not being so fond of the industry anyway), but the way they treated me... I felt subhuman.

Couldn't even take one direct look at what I was telling them. No understanding or empathy. Just pretending like nothing is wrong or like it's an inconvenience. In retrospect, I know what I was telling them frightened them; I can't blame them. Like it's quite literally beyond their scope to fathom it.

Like, I asked them that once for help once, and I never did again. I also never trusted them again, even less than before. In general though, I am like that. I've probably can count the times that I've seriously asked them for help in my life on one hand, and usually it's like, once I realized they wouldn't help me in a certain type of situation, I would never try ever again.

I guess I have a lot of grit and pride, especially when it comes to experiences that I believe that are supposed to be harrowing. As long as it has a purpose. But this line of thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. Like I'd rather fall over and die or drive a car off a bridge than ask certain types of people for help (if it was just for my own sake), because they don't deserve that sense of power. And also, in the way that I have had this tendency to create challenge (like making my life difficult), especially if there's nothing else worth doing.

Oh, so yea. I was well prepared to function (in a survivalist sense, not in an emotional sense) when this summer happened. I'll sum it up in another post, but let's just say that first period dealt mainly with full scale sight and kinesthetic sense (like the feeling of being touched, and reading things through psychic touch, and as well as "powers". And this summer deals mostly with auditory... in combination with everything else. Still, it was surprising that I managed to go to work, function socially (although I kept it to the absolute bare minimum), write and do a few other things when weren't too chaotic, and shower and what not, haha. It's just the eating much I couldn't really handle, because everything made me feel like throwing up or agitated. So I mastered the art of maximal nutrition through liquid form, mainly. So yea, technically "functional". But too much time spent either lying down or staring at a wall.

Maybe it's an intrinsic character thing, I don't know. I never panic when I've perceived a legitimate emergency or threat, or if something is actually really difficult.

***I'm actually glad I didn't receive "help" and the process just played itself out, so I could learn how to control my own senses/ perception, but the isolate impact of those years. ....

***I'm not bitter towards them much or at all, for this and.. various things. Still not a fond memory.

Edited by modmyth

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Ridiculously Concentrated Sentimental Shit: I made this playlist. Dedicated in general to...

What I was listening to and feeling during this time period, 2017-2019, but also going back some years... general romantic desires and aspirations the past 10 years or so. Plus mood.

Maybe possibly be thematically organized.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4NwNrt9H7uDk6saH5CogsU?si=mBBV-50yS1eun5QhQJCEEw

I would have put this near the end, but it was not available on Spotify.

 

The original. (Note that the lyrics for this one are very different than the original one by the Carter Family which has been covered by like... a billion people.)

I don't know, it makes me feel better.

***FUN FACTS: It's the most popular sutra in East Asia. I grew up around Buddhism, but in a extremely noncommital way (seems to be typical of Chinese culture, where some people take it very seriously, and a lot of people really don't). I can't really say, for example, that my mom IS Buddhist because she identifies as such. It was just there.

***I can still recite the Heart Sutra in Sanskrit (Circa about 13 years), but if I remember correctly, the oldest surviving manuscripts of the Sutra are in Chinese... and the Sanskrit ones are translations from that, which came after.

***I really wouldn't be surprised if there was some kind of concrete connection between drone music as a genre and Buddhist music, chanting, etc... at the root of it.

Edited by modmyth

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(((This is placeholder.)))

I managed to figure out what went wrong the last couple years (inside myself, anyway, as well as along the cycle of), energetically and identity wise, beyond what has happened to me, and how to correct it in the most major way, I think. And also, within the large time cycle of my life.

This is probably the end of the war between my heart and my mind, or at least the beginning of the end (which shouldn't last long).

Will be writing more about what I've learned, for sure.

***** Wooo it's a free for all now for unlocking the abilities of the higher mind & heart. Let's see how this goes now.

 

Edited by modmyth
What a ridiculous fucking game. :D

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@modmyth Damn, you had to go through a lot.

Molestation - rape- homeschooling - Heart Break - i wonder how you are functioning now. You must be a superwomen :x

Those who have the courage to stand up every time they fall are the ones who live up to the fullest potential. Keep it up!

A followup question - were you raised in a conservative household? Homeschooling don't seem like a liberal thing. 

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@Annoynymous  Appreciating the appreciation. :D

Holding it together under duress is one of my special talents, I guess.

It was pretty conservative in some ways, like my parents were quite a bit stricter than that of my peers, in terms of who my parents would let me socialize with extracurricularly, and with how they would manage me and my brother's time, academics and what not (less so with me because I was prodigious with multiple "gifts", and self disciplined and what not). I was also raised in a secular household, so there was no religious element.

Culturally, were my parents that strict in terms of what they would expose me to? Not very. Like my parents didn't at all care if I saw nudity. But my mom especially was more conservative about what she would let me wear, compared to my peers. The 2000s had some really questionable fashion trends though... (I guess like every era).

My parents homeschooled me because I went from being a model student to like.... almost getting suspended, shoplifting, skipping school. But my grades were pretty decent anyway. Just not good enough for "someone who should be able to do better". I just entirely blew up with rage and impulsiveness around the age of 14, plus psychic gifts and what not. Their way of dealing with this was just to isolate me and keep an eye of me ALL the time.

***They were, however, really paranoid (from my perspective) about having me read "superstitious" material, which involved anything about divination, magick, etc., but apparently were ok with me reading religious material, because "culture" and what not. I didn't get it. It kind of offended me.

 

Edited by modmyth

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@modmyth i can understand that.

When you came out of homeschool and went to university, did you feel any obstacle to adjust with a new reality and meeting new people?

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@Annoynymous  Yes, definitely. I was in a first year cohort program, which means that I took a lot of the same base classes with the same people,. A lot of people came straight out of highschool or after taking a gap year, and I felt like I came straight out of hell. It felt really hard to relate to other people my age, like socializing with people face to face didn't feel natural anymore, but I kept my space on purpose too.

I didn't make a bunch of new friends and really get into higher achievement mode until maybe 2ish years had passed. I had to really push myself to change and get out of my shell by that point. I also felt like I completely left behind the person I was before though, by that point.

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Sunday Morning Thoughts// Switching Gears

*Judgment call: at what point do you realize that you're utterly wasting your time with a certain line of thought or introspection? Like staring meticulously into a mirror over and over looking for patterns and significance where there very is likely nothing there?

*Infinity Mirrors: In the war between mind and heart, a man stands, has stood in the way. I have been observing the ways in which emotional attachment leads to direct identification. (Say, loving a certain person so much that you associate them with certain aspects of yourself, like your heart or your mind.). It's these patterns of identification which literally lead to restricted energy usage, or ability to access the powers of the heart and the mind. It keeps us moving perpetually like a self driving vehicle moving along a predetermined course. It's just that every time you do another lap, things change subtly, and if you make a decision or shift emotionally, it changes the “terms of usage”. We are doing this all the time with whatever we do, unless we are absolutely aware of all our actions and consequences of them (past and future).

*I wish again to completely the destroy the image of everything that became before. Seems I always end up in this position. I am wiping it clean now. May all things and people be purged of their significance. May I finally start over. Burn all these tethers. The love that remains, it is. And.. what remains?

*Let's just say that I have a mechanism in place which does not allow me to create a subconscious, or not for long. Anyway, now I have to adjust my behaviour and way of thinking even more and to stop microanalyzing myself in this particular way so much, because I am creating more issues by feeding it energy in the way that I am. But as I have said here... if you want understanding, it comes at a price.

*Last Spring: trying to do this process while being segmented and numbed has been a disaster for me personally though, I ended up fragmenting myself more, in a way that.... how am I even going to explain what I happened? I will try.

*HOME: A deep unconscious emotional imprint. How do you make a home, when in this life, you've never truly known one before? All this time, I had been receiving visions of home in my head. Or I've been trying to create new ones from scratch. But trying to get to the root of this utter alienation. If you can get deeply enough to purge such an emotional imprint, really what else do you have to destroy in the process? (And what if I say that I have wanted to anyway?)

*HOME 2: Home has always been one of those things where... it's for other people. Not for me; but for people who had been dealt a better hand growing up. There are many layers where it's like: I couldn't make myself believe in it because I was too afraid to, I couldn't relate to in this life,. But I wanted it more than anything. The illusion of having someone who was, who could have been that home, slips between my fingers utterly. It took me so long to catch up. Why?

*HOME 3: I am still reaching for it, this illusion and hope. And had been, subconsciously (before this summer). Why? I have taken this stance for most of my life, you could say it's because I'm cynical because of the way my life has gone... but I think it's simply practical. What does hope have to with reality as it is, or changing your reality? Why did I indulge in this?

*HOME 4: Still, I will put the energy into it yet again. My subconscious has been purged, what's really holding me back besides myself and this insistence on feeding an attachment to someone who in the end, did not reciprocate? Or at the very least, did not realize that there was a very serious element to my desire? ....

*Expecting vs. generating understanding: understanding is something you create and share with others, not something you expect to be given to you like a tithe. Walking around expecting other people to understand you just because you exist, to read you in the exact way you desire, is a waste of fucking time. And still, this is what I've wanted, isn't it? For someone to have seen and truly understood me.

*Switching my means of narrative making, the stories I tell about my own life. The questions I have about myself. To be the person and do the work that I feel like I was born to do. I tried doing this.. last spring? Figured that I had to make something happen after he... walked away from me. The tethers clung to me and would not be removed.

*Time to show the world my "good" side. But... will it be even more unrelatable than my "problematic" one?

*He was wrong. He was inside me, and I let him back in too deeply.

*Enjoy Your Life: And I cannot shake the feeling that he wants something from me. I can feel it in out there in the ether. And this alone is causing me to fight with myself. What does he even want? To be connected to me in some way still? To be connected to himself? A cushy life and having his place in the world now? I mean, I still think he deserves it, to be happy. But it has nothing to do with me. And I have to say this and mean it, and not dissociate from myself. In general.

*Yea, I have this tendency to vacillate strongly from one extreme to another. It's called trying to break out of it, but also, to remember and reexperience the love as I felt it.

*Forgive, but not to forget: I will not be replaced, either in public or privately. I give nothing to him, at least as it was before. No support for a number of choices. Unless he also destroys his life and remakes it, this will probably not change. Or at the very least, I feel like he truly understands what I went through. And I really never would expect him to. Should be fine now for both of us, right? Surely my presence can leave his life and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I say this in... a spirit of relatively little anger and resentment now. What is there left to expose? (I place my aim where I wish it to be.) I am DEAD serious. I have lost far too much. It's all or nothing with me. So if you had enough of "all", it's nothing.

***Polyester Bride: I don't actually like this song that much, but maybe that's the point. Thematically relevant.

OKAY, this version is MUCH better// more to my taste. Sometimes I love raw and "unpolished".

Relevant lyrically, heh.

Quote

[Spoken Intro: Unidentified Male DJ]
Right now, here's something real lo-fi--if I could borrow a Bill Berger term--but also really good. Music from The Girly-Sound

[Verse 1]
I was talking, not two days ago
To a certain bartender I'm lucky to know
That there are so many things in this town that make me tired
And there are so many people that leave me uninspired
And he said
You're lucky to even know me
You're lucky to be alive
You're lucky to be drinking here for free
'Cause I'm a sucker for your lucky, pretty eyes

[Verse 2]
And I was thinking, not ten days ago
About all the famous me that I'd like to know
And I asked Henry, my bartending friend
If I should bother dating un-famous men
And Henry said
You're lucky to even know me
You're lucky to be alive
You're lucky to be drinking here for free
'Cause I'm a sucker for your lucky, pretty eyes

[Chorus]
And then he said
Do you want to be a polyester bride?
Or do you want to hang your head and die?
Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
Do you want to pack your things and fly away from here?
Princess, do you really want to pack your things and fly away from here?

[Verse 3]
And I was thinking, not two days ago
About a beautiful boy that I know
And I was hating him 'cause he wouldn't call me
And I was hating him 'cause he wouldn't fall for me
And Henry said, You're lucky to even know him
You're lucky that he's alive
You're lucky that he's not smart enough to read you
Yeah 'cause he'd see what a mess you are inside

[Chorus]
And then he said
Do you want to be a polyester bride?
Or do you want to hang your head and die?
Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
Do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?
Princess, do you really want to flap your wings and fly away from here?

[Bridge]
Because you've got time
He keeps telling me
You've got time
But I don't believe him
You've got time
'Cause I'm not listening
You've got time
I'm too busy pushing harder
I'm too busy pushing farther away
But he keeps telling me, Baby
He says, Baby
You know, you've got time
He keeps telling me, you've got time
But I don't believe him, you've got time
'Cause I'm not listening, you've got time
I'm too busy pushing harder
I'm too busy pushing farther away
But he keeps telling me, Baby
He says, Baby

[Chorus]
Do you want to be a polyester bride?
Or do you want to hang your head and die?
Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
Do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?
Princess, do you really want to flap your wings and fly away from here?
Princess, do you really want to flap your wings and fly?

 

Edited by modmyth
First you pull one way, then the other. Rinse and repeat.

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Now What?

Last spring, I tried to build habits and a new life, and it just wasn't good enough. Too much unresolved shit. I was still very much asking myself, what is worth living for on a personal level?  Too many tethers.

And now, with the "subconscious" wiped relatively clean, what should I build?

Impossible shit. Things not previously imagined before.

I expect payment (or a return) for the life I've lived. And I will get it one way or another.

***Actually, I will go back over some of my journals here and make something out of what I said  I would do, or just general points of interest.

 

Edited by modmyth

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HELL LOOKS LIKE THIS// INFINITY MIRRORS// An Anatomy of a Mental Breakdown: (seriously, I challenge you imagine a better hell, at least in the psychoemotional sense. At the very least A++++ for creativity.) Massive trigger warning if you're easily impacted reading about trauma; I would say it's definitely warranted because I am blunt and tired of obscuring myself.

Two things to keep in mind, which helped me make sense of everything: 1) This experienced from the perspective of the heart, which from that perspective, the mind and its judgement has been an absolute tyrant to live with. 2) Psychoemotional issues, including everything that is unconscious, is animated by the power of universal flow energy hitting the crown in a rather terrifying way. This is one direct approach to clearing out all of your unconscious issues ASAP, but it's definitely not the easiest one.

***Technically, I faced everything that I was afraid to face, or didn't care to face. And it's all here. Like I give a fuck about being judged at this point. I offer this for interest, as a learning lesson for whatever there is to take away from this. And if you judge, turn that judgement back at yourself, and try to understand what it means, especially from an emotional perspective. I'm not telling you to feel one way or another, but rarely can we ourselves escape the judgement that we project towards others. It is the way that we are measuring the world, the "I" included. So if you are ok with that.... just be aware.

Anyway, there is no need to stigmatize any of this, especially if you understand how it works. Stigma will not get ANY of us out of our collective psychoemotional issues. Just consider that I have elected to take on a rather large share of issues because I am first and foremost, very very capable. I can take something like this, figure out what it means in relation to other things, and then restore order.

 

THE ANNIHILATION OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS + SHADOW ASPECTS: A list of things that I underwent (which may or may not be in order), over the course of about 2 1/2 months:

1) The start of it all: the feeling of being hit by lightening at the crown, the feeling of becoming and being 'god', and then watching these aspects of my psyche as it became more fragmented. Then being told when bad stuff happened, it's because I initiated this process to early, that my various aspects (represented by specific people) could not handle it, would try to stop this process from occurring. … (This was probably the most enjoyable part.)

2) ACCURATE: being told (if only very briefly) that this was happening because my heart (emotional state) was causing this all, and that I was very shitty at listening to my heart (this is at least, true). Having arguments and confusion with myself when trying to interrogate what my heart was. (Are you my higher self? My “twin soul”? Someone else?).

3) VOICES: trying to figure out the truth of things, and then watching everything being deliberately obscured, put beyond reach, or fragmented seemingly in response to this reaching. Multiple voices coming from different sources, with different timbres and qualities to it. (for example, some were silent and very hard to hear, some deafeningly loud, some “outside” my head and some “inside”, some completely unrelated to proximity with physical body in general.)

4) *MEGA INCEPTION MINDFUCK: Watching certain scenarios repeat and replay over and over again, with only slight variations, until something inside me shifted, whether I wanted to watch them or not. Then to watch these “universes” collapse into the void, to watch it sped up, often only to watch it boot itself up and start again. Sometimes, to be watching multiple scenarios from the outside (as if watching these scenarios play out separately at the same time inside a bubble or a screen of sorts).

*To have all these scenarios and circumstances repeating ALL the time, and often I wouldn't even get a break even while I was sleeping. No way to shut it off.

5) LOVE: realizing that I was still deeply in love with someone that I tried to leave behind, because there's no future there right, so don't think about it, don't feel it? Experiencing that person's voice telling me that he was going to come to see me (Even though I knew perfectly logically yea... no. Impossible.), and would tell me to go meet him. And when he obviously didn't, that maybe it's because I didn't try hard enough. I messed up with (>insert reason here<) (????? You have to keep in mind, this IS actually how emotional logic works like at the core.) And then, hearing that voice tell me if I sorted out my issues, he would be there for me as I had hoped originally. Which I actually believed was possible at first because I wanted this emotionally, even if I did not believe the voice exactly.

-a voice telling me to go kill myself multiple times, like literally, go jump off the railing and into the sea, while in proximity to said sea. (which didn't scare me overly, but was obviously unpleasant.)

6) SEXUAL ABUSE: This person's voice (representing the mind) telling me that I wasn't with him because I had too many problems. I had a scenario in my head where he watched me get raped (so I had to reexperience the whole thing in hypervivid detail). Then I had to reexperience him debating with me skeptically, well, did that even really ever happen, and then being questioned. And then me promptly realizing that it's really shitty to go through this process with yourself, as I did, and as it is often typical for those who have experienced this sort of trauma, to blame themselves. Or just derealization in general. The same thing with the other sexual abuse stuff, where it was like..everyone lied to you. It was actually >x< who did it, and then I would have obviously no way of verifying either way.

7) MARRIAGE: I watched the person that I … realized that apparently I loved more deeply than I would ever dare admit to myself, get married to someone else and yea (like in real life this happened, not in my head). I was so stunned that I couldn't even process it properly at the time, like WTF just happened, and I am still working through that right now. But I did get a little bit like (well, he saw this much about you, and then he realized that you suck. Your thoughts suck. Basically everything you do sucks and he found someone much better.) I felt like such a fucking idiot, haha.

8) BLAME: A voice telling me that everything and anything bad that ever happened to me was because I chose it (this is a belief that I've been deeply at conflict with my whole life, because I do believe this is true, that our “higher” selves or souls choose the kind of life we had, in order to have.) Being told that it was my fault that my life turned out the way it did, because I believed in “negative fate” and therefore some thing like negative LOA caused it to happen when it didn't necessarily have to be so. And also, because I like a challenge. Thanks. And when I argued with myself saying, this is what I believed in to survive, it would just loop back into the main point like... you chose this. You made it happen.

9) A WAR: a voice telling me that I was making things more difficult for myself, like I heard “I am not responsible for what happens in your mind/ thoughts” a lot. And the solution to that was to “watch my thoughts” and also “not watch my thoughts”. Neither action had any noticeable positive result.

10) ECHOES: being called a whore like 1000 times, until the effect did eventually wear off. Or various names in general. Like useless and worthless. And then me arguing with it, because like, insult me more creatively or something. The more I would argue with it, the more it would keep coming up.

11) MISIDENTIFICATION: being told that my heart was one personally (generally) and then my mind as another, and then hearing these aspects argue with each other endlessly as if they were people. Some of these conversations were really inane and stupid, and I would keep interjecting dialogue to make it more interesting to watch, which would then in turn... make it more distorted. Trying to merge with various energy centres (representing by another person (which was split off from me) trying to enter me, which did kind of feel like being raped, at times.)

12) MISIDENTIFICATION 2: watching this first split, split off into a large number of voices, basically everyone that I have gotten attached to in any meaningful sense, regardless of whether I had found it positive or negative. Then listening to the voices rotate and change constantly, as it deliberately trying to confuse me, or causing me to disidentify with the situation.) I learned to stop responding to this one pretty quickly. Waste of time.

13) ABREACTION: being told to do one thing and then another, in order to extract myself from various undesirable situations as created in my head. And then being blamed when it didn't worked, or just no response whatsoever.

-Being told to say something like, “I've seen everything that I've needed to see here” while in heartspace, and then it not working, and then being told... “well, it's because you don't believe in yourself”.

14) FEARS/ TABOOS: pretty much every single fear and taboo thought, various violent and sexual thoughts (often both), sometimes involving people I know (emotional trigger point). Then being judged for it, like... this turns you on/ you like it, and that's why it keeps coming up? No, it really doesn't... but I would get uncomfortable because I felt like I was being watched/ judged in a social sense (ultimately this was an emotional thing not a logical thing, so I was perfectly aware that this “wasn't really happening”, but was seeing it and reacting to it emotionally as if it was entirely real. Just not logically/perceptively.). Usually it would be triggered by a negative mood or an agitation... which was pretty much constantly. I always felt at risk. The worse or more stressed I felt, the more certain thoughts would predictably come up. I learned how to.. not react at all after a certain point.

15) classical paranoia: that someone or some people were watching me do things I would rather not be watched doing. Being criticized and nitpicked at for my physical appearance, and various mundane way I did things, assorted idiosyncrasies. Then being told that my inability to respond in an unselfconscious manner is the reason why no one really loves me as a person, and why I am alone, and the person I realized that I still love doesn't love me back.

16) EARWORMS: honestly, I found this one both really irritating and funny: this tendency to associate certain keywords or phrases as they came up with certain songs, and then the songs would reverb and get stuck in my head constantly. Including songs that I really didn't like.

17) WANNA FIGHT?! being told that my confrontational attitude made it worse, and all evidence suggested this was true. Picking a fight with myself, because avoiding it didn't do anything. Once I reacted emotionally in any way or was hooked into it, a series of events would happen, probably unpleasant. So I might as well just do what I want while still observing. I picked a ton of fights with myself (I was also suggested to do this, because, it's the "direct approach", at least one them), and also cracked a lot of jokes which seemed hysterical at the time. And out of context, this just seems confusing. For example...there was someone in my head that I had an antagonistic relationship with (working out my resentment very directly), and I happened to be listening to TOOL, and the automatic association that was going on at the time, which I could not control, decided that I should call him “a hooker with a penis” (actual song) which I thought was the most hysterical thing at the time. And wherever this came up in my psychological space (something reminded me of him or it came up without provocation), I would hear, “hooker with a penis!”. I thought it was hilarious. There were a number of moments like this. I had the realization that probably nothing would be that funny after I left this space. Disappointing.

18) INFINITY MIRRORS: Oh yea, there was a massive amount of echoing, repeated scenarios and words and associations that start intense and completely vivid and real, and then eventually burned themselves out. Dissolved.

19) INFINITY MIRRORS 2: One of the only pieces of sound advice I received in that space was don't talk back to yourself (or any of the voices in your head), just watch, but I did anyway, because I wanted to see what it did and if asking questions and getting a response of any kind would help me understand the phenomenon more (coming from a very logical, inquisitorial sense, as if wanting to unravel a giant mystery that is the psyche itself). Sort of feeling like it was a once in a lifetime chance to examine things from this perspective. I know that I will never go back there again, because well.. it's purged. Decimated. It's impossible.

20) CROSS ASSOCIATIONS: Certain themes in my life were connected with various phrases, which I probably never would of consciously picked. For example, “Murder, She Wrote” came up a lot (which was some show from the 80s that would sometimes be playing when I was a tween/ teenager about an older woman who was a writer and also an amateur detective). These were sort of code phrases to indicate what sort of psychoemotional issue I was dealing at thematically from moment to moment. In this case, to indicate how I expected and felt like my life had just ended during this phase, but also at a different point during my life (when I was 14).

***Someone should make the most brilliant pomo novel about this. Maybe I should.

***retrospective judgement: I deserve a fucking medal for going through all of this and being able to function reasonably in a normal, daily sense (see one of my posts on the previous page). Also, I have a positive sense of myself, not in every sense. Like I am really hung up the romance/ love issue, and hung up on sorting it through one way or another because I cannot hold onto it. But... for everything else. Who shits on themselves after managing to go through a warzone? To survive and to do even better than just surviving? I don't. And if you've been through a war, you shouldn't either.

***There was, actually, a positive side to all of this.

Edited by modmyth

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HELL LOOKS LIKE THIS// ANNOTATED: you might have to refer back to the top post if it's not exactly clear what I'm talking about, but it might help make sense in modern psychological/ personal development terms, what the above means. I have had some time to think about it.

1) The start of it all: This is actually what happened. Not symbolic. It's an merger of my conscious self with “everything else”. Calling in a specific name and fixating on what it means was clearly besides the point, at least at the time the process was happening. Watching “god” split itself was really fascinating.

2) ACCURATE: fairly self explanatory

3) VOICES: A representation of different sequestered or disconnected aspects of the self. As certain aspects got resolved, certain voices and scenarios collapsed and never returned, while others lingered much longer, sometimes the dialogue content of it changed quite drastically, depending on my response to it. But definitely... if there was a voice or scenario that provoked me emotionally, not responding did shit all, and often made it worse. (This is reflective of “normal” reality, where psychoemotional issues that avoided most often grow worse, what you resist persists, etc.

4) MEGA INCEPTION MINDFUCK: Ok, this one was legitimately fascinating. I'm convinced that this possibly lies significantly beyond the scope of my regular imagination. This was more disorientating at times than really painful. This existed because.. I can't say for sure, but there is an element of curiosity with wanting to project into the future and see how certain actions definitely create and alter a base set of specific scenarios. So yea, I actually enjoyed playing with this. And then, while asking myself.... why do you keep reentering this space over and over? (because it's really interesting and I want to understand how it works? Like playing with a giant toy I just discovered.) I mean... whole movies and books have been touching on this subject. Not so much being the one playing god usually, but usually the one who is trapped within the bubble. I got to be everything at the same time. (And then nothing, when I ejected. At least for a bit.)

5) LOVE: Very straightforward: this is a projection of my suppressed desires, hopes, and expectations, which I just walked away from. I never overcame the weight of it despite trying to live my best life, focus and create positively (while not avoiding the negative, while also not obsessing about it overly). However, I will note, that I do have the predisposition towards avoidance, and I have been working actively against this for YEARS.

Suicidal ideation: This one wasn't too much of an issue to me. I myself don't feel much or any shame for having had these thoughts (like I shouldn't have these thoughts if I have them), although it was still in me, so out they came. (The feeling that my life ended up being a waste in the end, up to this point.)

6) SEXUAL ABUSE: Projecting an aspect of mind as someone else was a way to resolve social judgment, or at least, to have me face it directly. However, the experience of doing it as someone else... (as I have actually experienced this sort of judgment and aggressive disbelief from others, like oh look, she wants attention)... this is a very different experience compared to treating yourself like shit.

7) MARRIAGE: Not much else to say about this right now, other than what I have already been posting about for this.

8) BLAME: This is the downside of this tendency to... take responsibility for anything and everything that happens in your life. Shitty childhood? Resolve whatever you can, don't go blaming other people. Failed relationship? Well, what did I do wrong? What could have I done better (even if to make sure you don't do something similar hypothetically in the future). It so easily becomes a form of emotional tyranny towards yourself, especially if you are disconnected emotionally. I saw the consequences of it, in my case. Honestly, if you've had a good decent life and childhood, probably you can get away with this and things will be quite functional. But if you haven't, and you still have issues, what does this honestly do for your misery? If you can't feel? It's really important that if you're the kind of person that pushes yourself hard (whether in productive ways or not, heh), that this is balanced out in some way or another. If you can't feel or appreciate or truly enjoy what you're doing, if what you should be enjoying gets to be too much of a grind, there's something off in the balance of things. A certain level of emotional attunement is necessary for us all.

9) A WAR: Ah. Well, my confusion about this at a personal level is my own tendency to vacillate from one strategy to another, if nothing works. Also, in some cases, psychoemotional abreaction (This is when you do one thing, and then the opposite on purpose, in the attempts to break out of a dichotomy or duality. It's a bit forceful on purpose.)

10) ECHOES: This is a throwback to 10+ years ago, plus my relatively conservative upbringing. Just the same stupid bullshit sexual conditioning a lot of women get, even when living in a relatively modern secular society. Maybe this is moreso the case now when at least one of your parents is not originally from this country, although that parent would not be considered that conservative either, I think.

11) MISIDENTIFICATION: I have written a little about this, the dialogue is caused by identifying a certain aspect of yourself with a person for whatever reason. Like for example, if you say... this person has your “heart”, then in the circumstances I've mentioned, that person IS your heart and will talk and act as that person until you clear that imprint off entirely, or you manage to change it in some other way.

12) MISIDENTIFICATION 2: Ah. Yea. I think this is result of trying to identify and empathize and put myself in the position of any number of people, and also this processing of deliberate disidentifcation on a mental perspective, in order to purge one's mind, and to not be so stuck with whatever current limiting perspective that you're currently embodying. It was made clear to me that this issue.... started primarily at the level of the emotions or the HEART first, not at the mind first. And that in many cases, this is where the psychoemotional root is, and a lot of the other stuff that I've seen here (sorry for anyone reading this, if you disagree). Maybe it's right for some people from where they are, and serves a positive purpose. I know that my own practices root in shifting the thoughts and way of thinking have had a positive benefits, but in the end I found it superficial. It was not nearly enough. Upon observation of psychoemotional structures, it's not just because own my own trauma. I think this way of dealing with it is inherently superficial. Emotions/ desires generate most thought, or once did, at some point. The more you live up in your head, the more your thoughts loop around and around to the point that it becomes convoluted manifestations of what originally was synced to your emotions. It can be very hard to decipher at this point.

13) ABREACTION: Wrote about abreaction as a process briefly (#9) The last part reflects how I feel normally, and what works well under more normal circumstances (I can't do anything with this issue, so I'm going to put it down and come back to it later.) In FLOW space, ALL unresolved emotional issues are a barrier to flow. So psyche operating on autopilot, trying to resolve itself into a state of relative nothingness (the absence of psychological “masses” or entangled unresolved psychoemotional issues), will “force” the issues, repeating it over and over until the issue is finally resolved one way or another. This is a direct route to absolute psychological resolution.

14) FEARS/ TABOOS: All social conditioning (mostly unconscious at this point) being barfed up. There wouldn't be much spontaneous opportunity for it otherwise. But it keeps us in place anyway.

15) classical paranoia: This is a layover from when I was 14 or so, when I suddenly developed acute psychic sight and did actually experience being watched often constantly, but there was no dialogue with myself or any other beings (whether projected explicitly from the self, or otherwise). Can you really call this paranoia except for the fact that in modern psychology this stuff is considered hallucinations (and therefore intrinsically unreal) no matter what it is (unless maybe in some cases, getting a free pass for religious context, because institutions.) Not necessarily and not even negative presences either, but filtered greatly through my own paranoia. And the more paranoid you are, the more it impacts how your psyche filters and translates your experience.

16) EARWORMS: This is an blown up version of an instinsic tendency? I thought I stop associating or getting songs stuck in my head constantly for years, but maybe I've stopped paying attention to a lot of what's going on in the sense that... a lot of former psychoemotional processes had went subconscious. I had built up some layers, and think we mostly all tend to over time, despite our best intentions, unless we aggressively go against this in the form of personal work and resolution.

17) WANNA FIGHT?! I guess this was mildly entertaining as someone who felt stuck in certain ways, when it came to self expression, although I felt like I could not express my anger and rage nearly enough. I just had to take the relentless onslaught of … all of this, mostly. To what degree are we ALL picking fights with ourselves? Only “resolved” people don't pick fights with themselves, or avoid picking fights with themselves. (internal “conflict”)

18) INFINITY MIRRORS: a state of FLOW, rapid psychoemotional resolution.

19) INFINITY MIRRORS 2: It's questionable how much I learned from talking to myself in this space. Mostly I feel like I wasting my own time; making sense of it came after I left this space. Still, it was good to see what certain things did, even if it had a negative result. You only get this opportunity once, etc.

20) CROSS ASSOCIATIONS: I'm not sure what to say about this, other than I hoped it would be useful for accessing certain bits of information in retrospect, in terms of making sense of certain themes in my life. Wasn't sure.

 

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Yea, not posting so much lately. Here are some gifs.

Sorting out a few things lately.... because my brain the past few days.

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All will be clear, soonish? ...

Did an unusual amount of drawing the past few days. Going to speed my way through Steven Pinker's "The Better Angels of our Nature", ideally within the next couple. ACTIVATE READING SUPERPOWERS!!

Edited by modmyth

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