modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

787 posts in this topic

I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. (God took me long enough already.... but it's my perennial weakness.)

Completely useless. That whole connection with him, the whole time, and especially in retrospect. I would have greatly preferred it if he should have never showed up, and I should have never taken him seriously at all. Just like everyone else who wanted to reach me. It would have been much better for me to end that period of my life solo on my own terms, without interference from anyone. Now I'm going to have to look back and see how much of this stuff I said about the future (future terms, in dealings with people) is accurate... or was negatively influenced by my emotional state. And possibly revise.

***I'll be less grumpy in the future. But I don't think my opinion about whether this was a waste of time would change?

"Wasn't there redeeming value?" No. Not in a sentimental way.  ....Well I learned about myself. Stuff I already knew.

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(Usually I would say, don't get excited so early. In the case that you probably missed something. But..... I finally feel a certain difference.)

***Haha, all the stuff I barfed out in the process. Too much repeating myself. Well, at least I learned a lot about psychoemotional functioning on a conscious level? I hope it's fucking useful to someone besides myself. Either what I did in the past, or what I will do.

Girl, why did you think he would take care of you? Or really understood you as well as you thought he did? Your life? Or empathized that deeply? What you've been through? You thought he would be THE person to get you, or would come as close as possible to it. Or that he would be there for you in the end in a meaningful way? Or that he would really put you first, when push came to shove? Why did you have superhuman expectations and hopes about him (because that's just what we do sometimes). (I mean... what did I offer in return, at that time?) Delusional. I could have told you that before, obviously. But that's not enough to resolve it properly.

HE WALKED AWAY. And now I can properly, as I tried to. (It's been a struggle to take care of myself properly, in certain ways, emotionally.) Setting some proper parameters finally.

I didn't walk away in the right way. Maybe... my heart was too weak.

I wonder if he understands how much damage he did to me. (Or how much damage I did with him. Whatever. Same deal.) Like the scope and depth of it. I still really don't think he has a fucking clue. (Likewise...)

Not giving shit away now, without my knowledge and awareness. The "GOOD" and the "BAD".

Obligatory teenaged retrospective.

Quote

My shadow's

Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in

My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within

My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

***Loving him made me weaker emotionally, overall, not stronger. Because it was based on delusional thinking about love in general plus expectations. No new news.

Edited by modmyth
Not exactly remininscent of my energy levels at the moment, but in sentiment.

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ONE WAY PURGING:

Is this the proper start now, finally, to my life as it's going to be in the future? I had the right idea with him the first time around. Clearly I just didn't do it properly.

The number of things I can't do properly with all these emotional tethers floating around. (Well, this one specifically.) I wouldn't invite someone into this. Better to turn everyone off and  potentially sabotage my image ("future image"?) than have to deal with that later. Responsibility over self image (especially the temporary sense). All actions and choices have consequences, sooner or later. There is no escape, especially as the sense of psychological distance between difference aspects of yourself, and yourself and everything else... the rigidity of these boundaries just collapses entirely.

I have always thought to myself... since I was very young, that sometimes I don't have great skill at ending things properly. I don't just mean.... relationships or connections with people, and my way of walking away without emotionally resolving, as much as possible. Oh. This is literal karma. Actions + consequences, without any intrinsic moralistic implication.

 

Quote

"Witchcraft"

Night's magnet quivers,
frequent, strong winds blowing.
They blow me towards the end,
welcoming me gently.
 
The holy moment's arrived,
everything becomes warm.
My blood you desire,
sucking softly.
 
But never again,
I say.

There never was any spell. I just wanted to be loved temporally in specific ways. But everything serves the greater unfolding. 

 

Edited by modmyth

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I want to write more directly and much more clearly about what the future involves, on a collective level, my plans for the future, what I've actually been looking for. Hopefully in a much more clear and simple way now. I keep saying that I want to get a move on, but there are certain things you can't force emotionally. (Which I have always been saying).

*ON THE FUTURE OF PSYCHIC SOCIETIES: Yea, I will do absolutely everything possible to make sure the mistakes of the past are not repeated. I So when I say there is no room for margin of error, there is no room for error. Zero.

I had instinctively pushed away people from past lives... former followers, lovers, dear friends. Where we had shared everything. Instinctively, there is much beyond this... me not getting what I want first. No. My first instinct is always to give. But if I am not working sustainability enough to function... then what good am I dead? Or miserable spreading my issues around to others? The more psychically and energetically you are connected to someone, the more the higher energy or more “powerful” person utterly and mercilessly impresses themselves upon you. (***you are only experiencing this as conflict if you are resisting or predisposed to in this way. In the same way that you can start an internal war against god proper.) In a state of openness, this is unavoidable. The essence of that person flows you and vice versa, in all cases. But the energy of said person dominates. (This is a dynamic I could explain in much greater and clearer detail, but I'm not in the mood to run off topic with this right now.)

See, when I get into too close contact with people that I've had these connections with... it has been my perception even my fragments are powerful enough to cause serious issues. In my last life, I was a fragment. And the one before. The one before. And so forth. I have not been seen in relatively unfragmented form for literally thousands of years. There is one life where I lived by myself and... I returned to state of relative unfragmentedness. It is to manage the "collective conscious" which is a specific role... for which as far as I know, there is no proper term. Some people would just call that "god". Ah, ok. It's one of those things where the title shows little understanding, but that sort of understanding was arguably not possible originally.

Well, isn't everyone a fragment of the divine? Yes. That is NOT what I am talking about.

So if I start this again (a hyperconnected society), with these kind of connections from relative scratch (meaning mainly with people who have limited exposure with me), you can be assured 3 checks have been passed. This is before I “help” anymore people. (Note: If connection was just for “selfish” reasons, I literally would be off in a cave somewhere. Not choosing civilization. Probably I wouldn't be in body either. And yea... I tend to look down on spiritual selfishness or miserliness on a large scale.) This is moreso for everyone else's safety rather than mine, although, if it is not obvious. My temporal self CAN be put at risk; it's just that I have had a lot of ways to offset my vulnerabilities. But now... yea. We are all in the same boat. My fortunes rise and fall with the state of humanity. Anyway:

1) The resolution of all possible psychic issues within me that is possible in this lifetime, so as to not cause harm. To absolutely minimize the risk.

2) I will create enough space or enough of a buffer zone, if necessary. Because my high energy levels, the more I am in form proper, the more I am an actual risk to those in direct contact with me psychically, who are not prepared in this way or that (psychoemotionally and physically, as in the physical body must be prepared for very high energy states.) I will not take this risk either way.

3) I worked backwards. That means the “big” issues are sorted out, as mentioned. Any of the original flaws in psychic societies, larger and very small (by the way, it's the absolutely same dynamics all around, regardless of size) have been sorted out. It wasn't very hard. I just had to look at everything.

If any of you had the skill and capacity to see this directly, I would pass this information directly into your brain. So you could see the truth yourself. It's not like I would ever want people just believe me, exactly. But the options are rather limited, to believe or not believe, or to know (in a limited sense?)

Also, if you have the skill, like the means to access truth. I can create psychic “access points”. For most people, trying to access this through dreams is probably the most viable way. But if you don't have the skill to UNDERSTAND yet, you either are on your own to develop it, or you probably need some help.

As far as I have seen, there a bunch of people who can feel the truth intuitively and as a whole...like the truth-feeling works. But using judgment and discernment to understand what things mean in parts, as a whole, the micro and the macro. I have never seen this done that well, to be honest. That is on quite on course for the future of things as they are coming into being. You all work with fuzzy maps... or ones that are clear in some ways, but missing in others. If you had a complete enough map, there would be no ambiguity.

I have seen the truth, which is that a large degree, I have passed on the ability to understand and to SEE via direct transmission (as well as a number of other gifts). So in the ways that this will continue to be true, there are many places that will be impossible to reach without me. So usually how this works is... as long as I understand and work with your limits properly, you are kind of stuck with my terms if you want to achieve your life's work. So it goes.

So whether you understand me and empathize with me, or not.. Whether you like me... or not (because of the way that I have been presenting myself). It honestly really doesn't matter. We work it out.

I have been watching people and at the highest level (that is relevant)... to get us all where we need to go ASAP, we are not aligned. I mean if that isn't horribly obvious, that collectively we lack vision and we lack heart (the skills of the "higher" heart, as it's been caused). Even for what is currently the best of us, the most ascended, the most visionary. I don't think they have the capacity to put the world in order, as in there is something that is lacking. I can feel it. The scope and the lack of it. And it has nothing to do with wanting to play hero. Truly, I would have preferred not to have lived the life I have lived, and the one before. And so forth.

Anyway, with personal/ psychic development, the actual capacity to see must be expanded and built on in a permanent way.... is it actually enough to just meditate and do psychedelics? What is your long game plan? (at the very least, I can tell you if you are aimed correctly on your trajectory, and where you are lacking. The more open you are, the better I can do this. And when you are completely open (in the psychic sense; I can do this flawlessly. But then, this does put you at technical risk.)

You realize that... conceptual mapmaking is a feature of those who are embodied form? It's just a phenomenally high level skill. There is quite a difference between what is required to make proper maps, vs. the skill required to read it. And then there is quite a variation in “map reading” abilities.

Wish and will away all you want. Also, what is involved in WILL proper is also something that has been passed along.

So... are you sure you all don't need more maps? Is this process of sorting things out yourself working out well for you, on the largest scale? How much do you value your sense of choice and freedom in the temporal understanding of it, as we have now? No one has any absolute dedication and devotion anymore to a higher cause in a way that really satisfies me anymore. What I have to work with in people... is rather limited if not primarily . It's practical. It's not just about my sensitivity, the damage that is caused by a certain incongruency within people, nor is it just about getting my own way. If that somehow isn't blindingly obvious.

If I don't give people direct transmissions one way or another, I don't think we're equipped to continue moving at a suitable pace in terms of sorting out all our collective shit. Like how much are you getting from my words, really? You could be getting a lot more. So it's back to the old game, sooner rather than later.

Anyway, the future of earth is a technologically advanced hyperconnected society. It is a prerequisite going both ways that all psychic baggage and trauma as we understand it MUST be resolved in order to be function for even like...5 seconds. I still very much am aware of how to manage and work with this stuff, but it mostly goes through the radar.. my work with the collective consciousness (which in fragmented form, is most the subconscious). It is for this reason, I have said that the subconscious must die.

Also, if all my issues and habits were to be wiped away instantly, and I were to be put in the situation; I would be able to pick up where I last left off. (For the ways in which I've said, every day is just like 5 seconds ago, which is just like 50 years ago, which is the same thing as 10000 years ago) ….

 

Edited by modmyth
To what degree is this an issue of fulfilling my specializations more than scope? For way that I keep picking up and learning new skills ... and creating new ones.

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Universal Language/ Rhetoric:

Oh my god. This process of trying to get the right words and way of thinking, and linking it to everything that I know and aware of in a cohesive way, so that I am well understood and heard. Like trying to get the perfect sound on a radio dial, or turning a kaleidoscope over and over again until I get the formation I want. It's ridiculous sometimes.

It's pretty much the same process every time I do it, in every life.

So many goddamned strands to tie together. :D

Edited by modmyth
Type too fast, get typos

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My Voice: How's this for coming out?

On a whim, I felt like recording myself after like a month hiatus from the instrument. Recording my voice and having it be heard was something that I never planned to do originally, in my former life. So I decided to do it on my POS phone (so warning, audio quality is kind of shitty). I just do this for fun and for free therapy, so be nice! :D  Also, if you listen to just one, listen to the song that I covered which was in the first page of this journal, which is the first link... for my random adlibbed sarcastic lines that I added spontaneously that were DEFINITELY not in the original, plus my laugh.

So if for some reason you wonder what my speaking/ singing voice sounds like (like to put a voice to the face, or a voice to the words, etc.). Here is an assortment of random ass covers.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/4wmyl8xfeo46ph5/CHING CHONG.wav?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/tk95jc90cf5xlyn/Carla Bruni - Quelqu'un m'a dit.wav?dl=0 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/lj7zsqpl7d82yco/Light my Fire.wav?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/olaw9yctfsd4kyy/Eels - Novocaine for the Soul.wav?dl=0

Kind of getting zoned out near the end with that last one there.

It's not perfect. Some of it is just song excerpts. Kind of sound nervous talking a bit in one or two. French accent isn't quite what it used to be since I never actually speak it anymore... Don't carrrrrrrrrre. (Not right now, not for this... anyway)

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***I grew up in a family where if I made a mistake or a few while practicing an instrument, I would feel disapproved of. Like my dad did not like to listen to me if I did. So I quickly became more reserved and self conscious for this reason and other reasons, and remember this pretty acutely as a child. Maybe this is a common experience?

A small act of rebellion and going against what was.

Edited by modmyth
Doing something I would normally never do// NERVES OF STEEL. :D// I wonder if I will think this is a terrible idea when I wake up tomorrow?

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I really liked listening to the second one. You have a great singing voice ^_^

3 hours ago, modmyth said:

So I quickly became more reserved and self conscious

I was the same way as a kid, and still am in many ways.

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@Raptorsin7 there's a band I haven't heard much about in a while. Also the clips from American Pie really date when that song came from, haha.

Oh, I see the similarities in vocal articulation of words especially. I never would have made that connection myself. :D

Edited by modmyth
***fixed the links for the last two songs because apparently I have trouble internetting.

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INNOVATIVE SCIENCE// A PROPHECY: stuff I just know: In a way that I “just knew” that I would have to be around 30 or so before I finally sorted out my brain (yes, every bit is going slower than I care for, sometimes). I'm waiting for the future Jack Parsons (founder of American rocketry, participated in actual sex magick orgies), or someone like him. Not Jack Parsons exactly in terms of what he did, but with a similar type of personality orientation. Not like... an Elon Musk or a Thomas Edison. An extreme innovator is an entirely different type of person.

What do I know about him. I know his soul. His core personality.
-I know that he's probably about 10-12 right now.
-a child prodigy, he might be on an accelerated learning course, or will suddenly pick up whatever is needed very quickly. Very very intelligent and sensitive, emotionally and psychically (to what degree can you separate one from the other?)
-expecting to cross paths with him in in about 10 years or so... and I'll be twice his age.
-not really sure exactly what else to expect, other than I must be visible and accessible, and established enough one way or another.

I remember once I read that Tesla said that inventors and scientists (assuming that he's talking of the innovating sort) are obliged to remain celibate, but artists and writers... can manage and do very well with noncelibacy.  I think there is actually some truth to this, intuitively speaking, that celibacy is not necessarily needed (but you might need someone for my role instead). To my knowledge and awareness, there are a rather limited amount of  psychoemotional “energy formations” that work for this kind of work, which is the most dominant in the higher centres. There is a kind of strictness and asceticism and focus which is needed for this work. No or very few distractions and no conflicting energy, internally (let's just say, within the “core” psychoemotional, creative and intellectual processes) and from lifestyle (“externally”). Probably I will be the strictest with him.

While he will do most of the active work, like unifocused beam of light, like research and direct innovation. Anyway, I have been anticipating filling the proverbial “shadow” role, which is a bunch of different tasks.
1) knowing and having a grasp of the material he is working with, the significance within the field(s) of study, current times and future times. Which means I need a relatively high level of working knowledge myself to understand WTH he's working with and what it means in context.
2) MAPS: Access and maneuverability within “conceptual” space. (At a higher level, there is something much more sophisticated going on that simply VISUALIZING something to be true, and then calling it into existence that way. How will you know what to visualize? You need a vision (of scope), you need understanding (depth). Simply put, it is probably not “right” thing to visualize without me. Where does vision come from? I read the lay of the land (across multiple “dimensions” of reality, conceptual space, whatever you want to call it), and make sure everything “fits”, and then I pass on this custom map... I'm not sure how else to explain it.
3) To clear the space around him socially, institutionally, and support in this way, so that he can focus on his work and be that unidirectional beam. Otherwise he will lose momentum and focus. It's just too much energy going too many ways. Things will not get completed this way.
4) Managing and creating more energy, like a huge amount of it (more energy + sufficient control of energy + “a map” (or at least a destination) = being able to access “higher” access points, conceptually speaking. E.g. making a massive cognitive leap, or just hyperinnovative thinking in general.)

I may be the only person who is capable of filling this sort of role, as far as I know. And this time, I do in body, and am very much expecting to do it in close physical proximity (at least some of the time).

So as he ends up with me, whether in an physically intimate relationship or not. And if not physically intimate, it is honestly, probably a celibate role. But even if celibate, is intensely intimate in possibly all other ways. “Sacrifice”. Either way, he can have no one but me as a focus point in that way, in order to do this work (unless with people where there is a complete energy compatibility...which means I have to include them), because there can be no conflicting energy too close to him or his work. So no extracurricular distractions romantically or otherwise that take up too much time or cut too close to the core, or it must be minimized enough to get shit done. Whatever it is. We must be a seamlessly interlocking system, energetically speaking, in the way. That is the price. There's not much room for negotiating.

There is very much a practical reason, quite a few, for this “inner circle”, however it comes into formation. It's very much a lifelong thing. All of us will be completely “in”, and surrender all other alternatives. It's very much practical as well as personal. The closer we all are, with fewer and fewer boundaries, the more one weak link effects everyone. But... when I am the weak link, with anything. I fuck it up for everyone. I am, and have been, perfectly aware. If I am not in one piece (or enough of it), nothing works properly for anyone.

Anyway, pioneering scientists and technologists are a special group; kind of a very odd group of people by most “normal” standards. It is a sort of ascetic role.  Also, these people very much need to be protected and support psychically and emotionally, and intellectually. So while this might seem inherently oppressive for some people... for others... this is survival. This is life and nurturance. This is purpose, in all its joys and possible struggles. And there is no other alternative anyway. We go along with it, or come to terms. Or nothing gets done.

***If the "active" role is like the unidirectional light beam, the "shadow" role is working with any and all space surrounding it, however it is necessary to achieve a given purpose. Yang to the yin.

Edited by modmyth
On a multilife timescale, I've been looking to reprise a more direct role in the formation of technology. I have stepped out for quite some time.

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I made yet another journal, ARS AMORATA. Not sure if this should go there? This goes here for now instead. This is not exactly... about a positive expression of love.

LET HIM GO: I made him a symbol, and apparently was not able to stop making him one. Somehow I doubt he asked for this. Anyway, my ability to use WILL (a characteristic of the throat, the voice) was severely limited in the ways by which I was not opened emotionally, and present in the heart.

So he's done his temporal role with me, and is gone. Presumably forever now. So he has nothing else for me, and I don't really know if have much else for him. My attachment to him must be continued to be weaned off, as he I guess he did for me. So it goes. It's not like I love vacillating. Especially in public. But I will do whatever it takes, ridiculous looking or not. And openness and exposure is the way. So if this ever gets resolved, unless there is absolute resolution of the will going both ways, he cannot be too close. For my sake and for those who will come.

There is my will, and nothing but my WILL. There is no compromise. There is no entitlement to be closer to me either way... so that I am ultimately responsible in the emotional/ psychic sense. You (hypothetical you) end up as close to me as you can be so that I can self preserve, and so that our highest purpose is functioning as well as possible in alignment (And anyway, I have given up everything for whatever it is that I will do, my whole life has been in preparation... and at times, has really felt like a throwaway.) I will do everything it takes.

Why do I hestitate here? Why get so sentimental in the most selfish way? (I now instead grieve for my life as it was, and the love that wasn't...)

I will to close this gate, this portal to the past. All the judgements, and all the thoughts, the projections, the reaching out. May it not be about pulling or reaching toward him, or pulling away either. Just nothing. Everything as it is. It must all collapse either way. I'm thankful that it seems to be working, my will... my voice.

WILL is silent force, a command.

Reaching out for all these other reasons and meanings to live now (or more accurately, letting them in). Just let it in. It's already there waiting for you.

 

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Vocal Coming Out 2:

So I think I might continue to record these clips and put them here. I guess... it fits with the theme of the journal pretty well. I feel like I can't hide emotionally when I expose myself like this, in general. And I need to stop giving myself places I can hide or conceal myself, because I tend to go there automatically. It's what I've done my whole life.

Exercising a little more vocal control, and am being more conscious of how stuff sounds. Although... if I'm going to be posting these clips, maybe I don't want to sound like I'm recording in a trash can underwater, haha. So I'll get something cheap which at least makes my voice sound a bit better without all that distortion.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6kszmwcnnj3zwz5/Baby It's You.wav?dl=0

A sort of hybrid between the Smith and Beatles version?

 

Edited by modmyth
Is it the content of this song? Is it my mood? I feel much more naked here. Sigh.

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Vocal Coming Out 3: Showing my Sentimental/Romantic Side, continued.

Yes, I have one. If that isn't somehow blindingly obvious by now. I have said in here somewhere that... beware of the most loudly cynical (say, for example, about love). Usually these people are either secretly the worst saps, or they have a sentimental side which they are completely unaware of, and so they doth protest too much. :D

Some Observations: In general, this willingness to put something out in public that is less than ideal in so many ways, but is still... me, is vulnerable. Is very therapeutic. It counteracts the self consciousness that I accumulated early in childhood, and just kept multiplying the more I was insulated, for where it felt like I had absolutely NO space to express any kind of vulnerability, fear, pain, anger (as well as the generally labelled positive emotions). I noticed something interesting... I feel the will to express myself, and to be seen completely, but I am stopping myself constantly from moment to moment. It's so ingrained and it's been there so long that it's hard to look at it directly. I just feel the stifling effects constantly. Like living under an omniscient dictatorship.

Feeling... this will to express myself, is the will to be seen for whoever I am/ whatever it is that I do, in unfragmented form. The will to be integrated, to be whole. The will to be vulnerable. Honestly, it's really hard to separate any one thing listed from anything else here.

So here is a song that's sappy as shit. I had to tap into my own childhood self, and revisit and reconnect who I was then, in order to sing this song. Stuff about myself I also wanted to completely forget.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/i58b9ulcyic0cgq/Eyes on Me.wav?dl=0

(Faye Wong - Eyes on Me. Was recorded for the Final Fantasy series wayyyyy back in the early 2000s.)

***Intrinsic Positive Motivation + Valuation: Wanting things to sound better because it represents a TRUTH of myself, like true expression, and not for social pressures (not to sound like shit, because what would people think). But it is both my own "vanity" and wanting to be seen clearly. Wanting bring my soul's expression into focus (whether through being heard better through better recording means), or just focusing the expression of my voice.

...I think something in me is ready to stop rebelling against these standards of excellence (which are not my own, truly, perhaps mine are much more demanding and exact in a way), and to be excellent for my own sake. (heart is ready to stop fighting against mind in that way.)

I... with creative expression, I don't even both excessively with excellence to be honest, and in a way I'm always trying to distance myself from it. In a way, that has been my more authentic form up to now. Because of the ways I have been trying to distance myself from myself. There is no difference. (I was the once and former patron saint of these things. But in my current form.. there are aspects of distance. I still appreciate it a ton though...)

All these things... came from the heart.

Edited by modmyth
A Truth: I can be devastatingly sensitive and sentimental.

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FOR THOSE THAT WILL BE CLOSEST TO ME IN THE FUTURE: things I'm looking for in the group, and implicit and explicit// “soul” family:


*development of soul/ no absolute newbies: a certain level of base intelligence, sensitivity (emotionally, perception wise), predisposition/ or cultivated energy attunement... give me something to work with. Probably I could figure this out within half an hour of talking to you online, or pretty much instantly online (“presence” indicates if you have the raw substance necessarily to be a good investment of my time, energy, and love. Yes... love.) It's on a case by case basis, always.
*shared values: the commitment: the commitment to excellence, and “positive values” in their greatest manifestation, grit, integrity of spirit and values at the core level, intelligence (in a primal sense first and foremost, as opposed to the institutional trait that passes itself off as intelligence), sensitivity and empathy, perceptiveness, power (in the psychoemotional sense, intelligence), and it goes on and on. Not stingy of spirit. The exact same values I'm committing to.
*absolute commitment to the development of your individual expression's highest experience, development in “scope” and in “depth”, because I intend to both love (in the nurturing sense) AND to push HARD (tough love), at other times. For efficiency's sake, this is necessary. So either you find me worthy enough to trust, or you don't. (This should happen organically though.)
*shared vision from the outset: a compatible life mission, as in, I am poised to help you in a way that is deemed maximally beneficial to you, and vice versa. Like we are both onboard with each other. Implicitly, there is generally an agreement for the ways in which your life vision fits within the scope of my wider vision, or the general willingness to subject yourself to this for the ways in which things don't make sense (at least yet) overall, which isn't the same thing as agreeing with me all the time, haha. But about core alignment with me. (I don't have time for contradictory wills here or power games, I respect people's core individual expression to the highest extent.. I just don't have time and energy to waste running around in circles with people.)
*Commitment: I expect that if you're in, you're in. In the same way that you're in with your life's mission fully, you're in with me. No difference. No bailing or waffling around. (Also, I like people who are confident in spirit and determined (see the above list of "values" as well), and not stereotypical “follower” material at all (at least when it comes to dealing with other people), because those qualities do not make an innovative thinker, leader, artist, whatever it takes to shape this world. And also.. our values are not compatible for working together in close proximity.
*devotion to me personally, to an ideal that I represent, or to my values (only if this comes naturally, of course. It's just how things tend to work, and has worked best). If we have shared values and mission, this is no issue. (this is not... something I'm asking for explicitly, but am just articulating. It's one of those things, if a person doesn't naturally inspire it in some way, then it's no good anyway.)
*potentially, a willingness to take part in sacred consecration, in order to be linked in closer direct consciousness with me. Although I haven't worked this out yet. (I have also been looking for an “out” for this, for a few reasons though, and having been alluding to the risks, but potentially there is no out.)
*physical proximity, at least some of the time, if not most of the time. It feels a bit strange to list this, but perhaps is implicit in this era? I would prefer not to be keyboard jockeying all the time; I want a flesh and blood connection.


In return, in a most general sense:
*well, what do you want that I have already, that I already embody in some way? (or is there something else that you want that is more specialized, that I myself can't do directly, but I can facilitate? I'll just throw out a list of ideas.)
*I do specialize in the development of higher centre aptitudes at a sort of core level (raw intelligence, more purpose specific intelligence, creativity, etc., all variety of psychic skills and aptitudes, some which are likely not available anywhere else directly because I literally created them at some point or another..., although you may be able to get it from someone who originally got it from me). The cultivation of perception, intelligence, through practice and direct transmission (the latter should be possible, why not?).
*But also the cultivation of raw “power” in the psychic sense as well, which is necessary for a number of skills (you need both focus, experience, and an extremely high energy level in order to access certain skills). 
*scaling things to wherever you are personally. Note that here I have been writing online, while noting that it is REALLY hard to write universally except in the most general sense, like simple or precise truths that are true and accessible at all “levels” of development. So if you deal with me personally, it will serve that cause.
*a higher standard to reach, both personally and collectively. In the sense that I am prepared to offer you a personal and collective vision (if necessary), help you articulate and clarify this as more of a collaborative process, and am prepared to be the absolute, highest embodiment of said above values (and then some), and once I'm set; will not accept anything less than my personal best from myself either. Also, an amplification of your life's work at the level of values.
*direct involvement in your life's work at a nitty gritty level, when possible, if desired. This is where my ability to learn and acquire understanding rapidly is essential. (as opposed to a more general level of just... vision. I ask a lot of questions, etc.) (Even if mainly to understand what you were doing at your level. This is one of my hallmarks, is that I prefer to get involved and prefer to WORK, intellectually, creatively, or otherwise myself. Like for example, if you are an artist, )
*direct transmissions of all sorts, wherever your personal higher limit is (so you can see through my eyes, and feel the best of what I feel (heart)….). Whatever is possible, that I feel is right to share. (I have not talked very much about my visions or experiences, because I'll be honest... it's not of excessive interest to me personally. It's old hat. What other people are doing is more interesting for the most part. But I'm happy to share, if appropriate, if you are capable, and I'm feeling you (you are worth it to me personally).)
*Openness in and about anything. You have honest questions and you are “in”, I will pretty much answer anything to the greatest degree possible to your understanding.  I will answer questions beforehand too, but a lot what I say probably doesn't make sense without my reference points. Anyway, this is just my natural way.
*developing and sharing a sense of your soul's vision, potential, purpose in a DIRECT WAY (more on this later, but say, if you feel your soul's purpose ; I will make you the best goddamned artist ever (according to whatever our parameters are, and I have a lot at my disposal to make this happen, and am extremely experience with this on a multilife scale, etc.). This requires me to know you very very well.
*at least theoretically, I will transmit/ teach some of the powers, if there is time to get them up to scratch. Intuition tells me that there will be at least some of this; but it's not liable to be my main priority.
*I will be your fearless and dedicated advocate in the public, social sense, assuming that I will be in that position soon in the future.
*intimacy of any sort, is technically not off the table.... just being honest (in a absolute sense, see ARS EROTICA sacred consecration). Usually I have strict but completely open rules about this though... It a bit weird to say this explicitly, but in the spirit of openness, it's likely mandatory for passing on certain powers at a sufficiently rapid rate... Understand that there is a sort of hyperconnected energy flow or between a group of people, a shared understanding, shared empathy which may or may not involve that  aspect as some point or another, that makes certain tasks possible that would be pretty much impossible otherwise, even with the most capable, intelligence, and lucky individual.
*reliably, I am completely committed to this highest cause. My whole goddamned life has only been preparation for this is an extremely grueling way. Issues that tend to arise from dealing with me in a state of greater unconsciousness and fragmentation (IMO more the latter) does not arise otherwise. The reason why I write about this stuff (other than already mentioned reasons of) is that once I am in form, usually there are more people than I have time to deal with...
So naturally, I want the best.

FREE INSIGHT”/ a law of energy exchange: If for whatever reason, you are scouting for a "guru"/ mentor (more so the former), it is actually fair exchange for the figurehead to give much more raw energy and “benefits”, in the sense that they may have actually more raw energy as well as usable wisdom, insight, etc., to give in absolute sense, but not necessarily more time or effort relatively speaking (Direct transmission is having this be one and the same thing, without the normally barriers that stand between us).
It is also an extremely fair exchange for to ask for energy and devotion from many people, for the ways in which certain people are capable of receiving and harnessing this energy and TRANSMUTING it into something larger. This is the real, and arguably most “selfless” reason for receiving so much adoration, focus, and fame; not that it is wrong to like it for its own sake, just because you do, particularly. On an energetic level (which is a more direct level; the whole world is governed by all sorts of direct relationships like this), it serves a higher purpose other than exposing people to your values, ideas, and physical work, and what not.

***so basically, it is right to have extremely high expectations of a figurehead, both in terms of who they are and what they have to offer you, but likewise... what the hell do you have to offer in return for your own exacting standards? Other than your attention and general dedication to them as an idea?

***If I give really mixed and unnecessarily convoluted and obscure messages; it's because I myself haven't committed yet, or have been ready to commit. Because I take this very seriously; like this is my most important role, from my perspective. Like lead by example, and no exceptions, and if I am uncompromising in many ways, I am the most uncompromising with myself, first and foremost. Honestly though, I wish to distract or turn off all except the most serious potential.
Also, if it seems odd to be posting this in a public place. Note again, I have lived pretty ascetically (particularly for me), and this process is a bit backward. Normally this is done more spontaneously or intuitively, and I find people that way, and less like dictating explicit terms from the outset.
***Generally the rules have always been the same, but I set the specific terms every time. Technically anyone can have at least a very general idea of what I stand for and what is necessary for consideration (although I am being very specific here), and I would like this to be open and visible to anyone, but very very few people end up getting accepted, because limited time and energy, and possibly very few people making the cut anyway... because look at the length list of what I'm looking for.

Edited by modmyth
note that most of what I ask for from you is about you being your best, rather than you giving me shit.// sorting out priorities in a conscious way.

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Please understand though, I am probably the most exacting and demanding person in the world when it comes to measuring excellence (although not necessarily the harshest; I just mean that I have the highest standards and will do whatever it takes to get you where you want/ need to be in the most precise way I can manage), when I am in that role properly and not fucking around, or focusing on something else entirely.

My skills and capacities are a direct reflection of my VALUES. You don't acquire what I have by accident, even though I have various inborn skills, talents, and aptitudes. Many aspects have still been honed carefully. And I have been very attentive and mindful to the process of developing all sorts of aptitudes, knowing that I would need whatever I acquired in my current form, as well as access to the past.

(I mentioned that I have been living internally and ascetically, and both consciously and unconsciously, I have been trying to turn people away from my "true" self pretty much my whole life because I have not wanted to be found or distracted.)

Edited by modmyth

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PURE SENTIMENTALITY: (pure sapology incoming// own your sentimentality, continued.)

*My dream boy as a child was someone like me.... kind of “spaced out” (as in, inhabiting the higher mind and senses). Really sensitive, “odd”, but in a perfectly synchronistic in our oddness relative to each other. Really, really intelligent and perceptive...

I used to imagine (without putting it in words, really), to imagine what it would be like being with this boy. The ways in which we would just be together, as ourselves, together... I would love him like the whole world (and see it in him, in a way...)

*A weakness: when all these above traits show in the eyes, like they are so full of life and soul... oh my. (Returning to myself is... shameless sentimentality.)

*SO SAPPY: When his eyes are so full of fire and ready to devour the beloved, and his eyes are deep like these pools you could sink forever into. Or you see the secrets of the whole universe and the natural world, this breeze, all inside his eyes. Literally the most perfect thing I can think of, it makes me want to cry.

*I met him in this life, when he was grown up... (and was heavily invested in the ways that our lives and expressions mirrored each other in many ways.) I tried to play it cool internally, because I thought I was blindingly and embarrassingly obvious. Nothing quite prepared me for that level of feeling, sentimentality, and desire. Of course it scared me. I would say that I had to cloister myself from it in a way, and hold back in others, to be more cool and distant and in control than I really felt... (it's the only way I know how to be.)... when really I just wanted to devour him all the time.

*He captured my imagination. I believed in him and his love and it made me want to let my heart self-immolate with love along with everything else in me, and then maybe I would run around setting the whole world on fire with that feeling.

*Honestly, he made me wake up in sensual way. Wake back up to what had never expressed itself fully and properly, and not quite so intensely, except in these briefest flashes when I was a child (reminders of my true self).

*I saw all these things in him, and thought he was perfect. Exquisitely so. (The perfection in one's core essence, etc.) Sometimes secretly I was devastated. Because he existed and he was real. I... couldn't show this properly. I didn't know how. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew anything about being honestly and authentically sentimental at all, even since I was a kid...

*Not that I'm embodying this spirit so well lately, in the past handful of years ,but prolific curiosity is very very sexy. Like... curiosity in a childlike way, intense and lucid and pure.

*I wanted to thank him for being him, but I didn't know how. For being a bright light in this world, for reminding me the ways in which it was still worth being me, that it was still worth living here still. But then all of this only seemed worthwhile if I could have him,keep him as mine, and have him exactly as I wanted to have him, assuming that he would definitely be there for me in that way in the end. Until the end.

*And yea I was and I still feel fucking selfish, like if I can't have have him then I really don't want anyone else to either, even at the same time I feel like I really shouldn't be making his life my fucking business. I have said, there is no sense in pretending to be “better” than you are, trying to force yourself to be “good” at the expense of authenticity. Nothing gets processed properly that way. You just get stuck. No evolution or resolution.

 

Edited by modmyth
I feel less negative about what didn't happen at this moment, for whatever reason.

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FACTS ABOUT ME + Snippets of Childhood:

*When I came to Canada, I was 4 going on 5, and I begged my parents for a rabbit. It had to be a white one (of course). He came in a small white box, which he peed in. I remember how he easily fit in the palm of my dad's hand, and my parents had told me, “Modmyth, don't touch him, he's scared.” and that I couldn't touch him for at least one day. So I remember spending basically all of my free time the next day with a chair beside him case, staring at him for a close distance (but not too close). He stayed curled up as a tiny pale loaf all day. I didn't touch him, although I wanted to SO badly. It was definitely the best day of my life up that point (not that I)

*I used to sometimes take cans of Chef Boyardee and keep them in the corner of one of the drawers under my bed, in case that the apocalypse came (like 3-5 chef of neon orange ravioli was gonna save me, but I digress...) When my mom discovered this and removed them, I would hide them back and underneath said drawer.

*When I discovered that my mom was reading my private diary I was not in the place I left it, I also hid my diary there as well.

*Annoying stuff I did as a kid: ate whole boxes of chocolates that were designated gift chocolate (regifted). Removed and "accidentally misplaced" items which belonged to a pair, such as earrings and socks. Lost pieces of Lego in a Lego set that belonged to my brother."Borrowed" and played with paint which I then managed to spill on my brother's bedroom floor. And so forth. :D

*I used to feel like as a kid that the wind/ breeze was talking to me, and felt the spirit and soul in it.

*When I was a kid, it wasn't cool to be a nerd, there was no such thing as “nerd culture” (as in “nerd chic), or it wasn't cute to be a “gamer girl”, (Now, all the designated “nerd” stuff is basically mainstream culture, but 10+ years ago, it still wasn't quite so.). Yea, even though tons of people gamed on the Super Nintendo. Anyway, when I was ten I had a secret nerd friend, and sometimes we would meet up and talk about Age of Empires. I would actually read the historical preamble then ramble excitedly to him, and would listen and not be bored! Talked about how priests were awesomely overpowered.

*insert wooloo joke here*

(I imagine this is only funny if you played this game.)

***btw, totally love it when the whole Youtube comments section gets together to just tell a ton of jokes, which are all appropriately on theme. :D

*I read a lot during the summers in Hong Kong/ Shenzhen, which I think I mentioned, specifically I am remembering reading Rousseau's Confessions, which I picked up at a bookshop in Shenzhen (which is where I learned the French phrase tete-a-tete which I immediately loved (it translates as mind to mind, instead of the phrase heart-to-heart. The French phrase describe someone who just GETS your perspective so much, you're practically mindmelded. Or to have a tete-a-tete with someone, might be going on an walk with somewhere private, where you can just talk for hours... the pleasure of intimate conversations, etc.

*My favourite game was Alpha Centauri (SMAC), which I adored for the integrated narrative content (as a in a story), plus the concept and premise of it. (more on this later?)

*I used to sneak on my brother's computer around that age and play old school GTA (1 & 2, when they still had top down perspective) in order to hijack cars, cause collisions, and blow them up. Also running around with a massive blow torch was a lot of fun. There were actual questions, but I never did them, because oooh look, another car to steal. Also I played a decent amount of Diablo II, in order to collect all the loot like a major kleptomaniac.

*I used to read books about the universe and space as a little girl, and then I would get incredibly sad thinking about both the Big Crunch and the Big Freeze many many years in the future. Or thinking about the Earth getting eaten up by the sun. RIP.

*ACCIDENTAL POSTMODERNISM: reading R. L. Stine's choose your own adventure stories (where it was turn to random page, except I would read it all in order sometimes, from start to finish.

*I don't remember if I mentioned that I was afraid of infinity/ parallel mirrors as a kid. (the ones in my house). In the ways that it was infinity.

*Inexplicably I stepped on a lot of needles and nails as a kid wandering around barefoot.
Nails = random nails in my garage, or outside. Needles = hobby sewing and dropping the needles and then somehow managing to “lose” them in the carpet, then stepping on them. Honestly, I don't even know. I was notoriously bad at keeping track of all sorts of physical shit.

*Sometimes I would get really into being in “Luminous Head Zone”, or would just keep thinking and I would stub my toe against a door or straight up just walk into one!
*ponders existence deeply as a child*
*walks into an obviously closed door*
….
***looks around to see if anyone noticed***

*I used to get crushes on boys really easily when I was a child,but never told anyone about it when I realized that probably it wasn't the thing-to-do.

*Future crazy rabbit lady: When I used to think about how terrible the world was, when I was about 11 or 12, because I was very easily upset by violence and a sense of injustice in the world... I used to think about living on a island with about 50 rabbits and just myself.

*I used to sometimes talk to dead history figures in my head that I had read about in history books, and sometimes felt like I knew them personally, or just “got” them.

*I always had let my parents decide on what direction I should go life (for example, what was an acceptable career, academic studies), although when I was a teenager, my mom asked me what I wanted to be. I was like... oh, I writer I guess, if I had to just pick one thing. And then she was like... yea, but you're not going to be able to pay any bills. Also your dad wanted to be a writer, but he didn't get his books published, so inherit his sense of emotional burdens now.

*I always hated this notion of being forced to specialize for all of eternity, like wow, you're so easily good at one thing, why don't you focus on it to the exclusion of everything else for the rest of your life? No, that sounds like a death (creative and intellectual stagnation and entropy, I'll pass!) Like being pegged as a word/ language person very early on. No, I'll take being good at everything, and becoming better, thanks though!

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6 hours ago, modmyth said:

, and sometimes we would meet up and talk about Age of Empires.

Playing Age of Empires 3 at my neighbors house are some of the best memories i've ever had in my childhood. We used to play against medium AI's and just wreck them. We thought we were so good xD

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@modmyth I wouldn't say there's a big one. I used to use a client called game ranger that let you play with some people but that was a fear years ago. Lol i know that feeling of feel good then getting wrecked. All these games have optimal strategies or build orders that people learn and apply. Then it comes down to how coordinated you are and how much information you can manage in the game with resources and building characters. Some people can click and move around the screen so fast they are managing their civ so much more efficiently then the other person and it's game over. 

I played online real time strategy games pretty competitively and it becomes a grind. I never had as much as fun playing these kinds of games once i got older and was actually objectively good at them. Ignorance is bliss i guess xD

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