modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

804 posts in this topic

"TYRANNY":(Is this what you all prefer and know how to work with? Fine. Have it your way. At least it's known where I stand.)// I'm angry, deal with it.// My word is LAW.

If you are not with me now, in momentum, in values and purpose, and what I decree, you are against me. You are against the flow of change and of "nature". Understand this is what it will take for us to all get where we must go now. (I am severely disappointed that this is what it takes, at least right now, to get me out of this bind.)

Understand nothing goes unseen or unanswered for now. There is no unconsciousness to hide in, nothing that escapes my eye. (And the eye is reach, and reach is power.)

You will want to be on my side, now and in the future. There is no payoff now otherwise// the space for this is rapidly running out. If you care about this world and the future of it. Cohesiveness. Higher values and consciousness. I am quite literally here by last resort, personally and ... seeing no other viable alternative. 

Oh, there is also a creative moratorium of sorts in place right now, if anyone wishes to speak of me. You have neither my blessing OR my "understanding". Why? Because I'm not happy. I am NOT at all pleased with how things turned out in my life in order to serve a higher purpose, and the ways things are collectively. What a fucking mess.  (And how many people will disagree anyways.) I will not keep putting myself in other people's positions as if I was them fully, and aligning in this way right now, because it keeps splitting me off into pieces. I can't do shit like this. Also, I will not allow myself to be spoken of all all because take every single way I have been represented and add that up and... yea, it's not quite right. Because I will not allow anyone to speak for me right now. Until I make sure that any/ everyone is speaking of me correctly. And I determine what is correct here.

You will do nothing that involves me personally behind my back now (as if this was avoidable now, now that I'm not in my most brutally weakened state).

"Decree": At least on the conscious waking level, you stand against me. You and the person you picked. You side with dying institutions. You side with lies and duplicity. There is no compromise and no half measures, unfortunately. (It's for the greater good.)  I have heard what you said about me. You can't say one thing about me to someone, another thing to someone else, and then do or feel something else privately. Everyone will bend to this rule of absolute consistency and transparency, as much as humanly possible. Myself most stringently at all. I have and will spare myself NOTHING. Or else you are not on my side. (Your marriage is a stand against me, unfortunately for you and your person.)

Why must there be sides? MOMENTUM requires unification in the form of exclusionary values... a specific perspective. And it so happens to be mine.

I am seriously fucking disappointed with the amount of harshness and forcefulness necessary in order to be heard and understood with, not even talking about empathy (like how much suffering I have to go through in order for even those who have loved me to realize that I am still at a risk in a way).

Have it your way, even if this "way" is just a response to sheer collective ineptitude. 

***everyone connected to me in collective consciousness will feel this now (technically this is everyone, but lots of people are disconnected and uh... a bit dense in this way, to be perfectly honest). Especially those dependent on me in some way or another, will feel this moratorium. NO INSPIRATION until this is resolved one way or another. 

***I am being VERY direct and literal. Do not fuck around or try to negotiate.

***Practicing speaking with WILL in public still. This is me speaking in ONE VOICE and not in fragments. This is my last decisive word on the matter (not the anger, but what I have declared to be true.)

***The future version of this is with the anger burnt through properly. All that is left is clarity.

***ULTERIOR MOTIVES: I need to get everyone's attention pretty quickly too actually. Hey everyone let's start. With a buffet of my anger.

***This represents a true aspect of my personality for the last cycle of history. Is it right to be direct about it? ...

 

Edited by modmyth
"Righteous fury" is an attribute of the beings of antiquity. I am afraid the current situation calls for this. If you think this isn't LOVE, or is always some kind of unconscious perversion, you are wrong. Last resort of communication.

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Breathe through this rage.

***A few hours later: is this grief coming through from underneath the rage, or vice versa? Just raging and crying. Crying and raging. I haven't been able to cry like this in a completely unrestrained way for years. "Ugly crying"

Assorted RAGEQUIT moods:

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RAGEQUIT = RAGESTART

Edited by modmyth
Why am I such a spaz? :D

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Unique. 

Crying is good. You suppressed a lot of stuff so it's coming out. 

Had a good laugh after it? 

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On 12/30/2019 at 4:43 PM, Angelite said:

There are two places i'd considered home in this world. Both are not my parents actual origin. The place that I was born in. And the place that I grew up in. I wanna die in the place that I grew up in. Which I haven't been to for quite a while. Now I am in a third place which I don't really considered home(though i've been here for a few years.) 

But my Eternal Home will not be of this world~ 

When I went to each of my parents origin, I got a weird feelings. Seeing my relatives&culture which are foreign to me. 

@modmyth this made me cry till I decided to go home the next day. Haha

Your crying won't solve anything if you don't act on the cause of your tears..

Edited by Angelite

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“Confessionals” (A Summation so Far)

So I've been extremely conflict focused lately, in the sense that it brings me a deep into the heart of personal, emotional, conflict in a more direct and conscious way. In the trenches, where I prefer to be.
Say after this summer, I could have stayed where I was (in a state of relative resolution); I have mentioned that I would prefer not to stay. Like if I could just press a button and delete everything that was an obstacle to staying in that state; I would not. I wanted to return and sort through these issues manually. I've never been adverse to a little extra conflict.
It just didn't feel right. I compared it to a video game with multiple endings, where you get one of the less than ideal, incomplete feeling endings. Even if technically it could be the end, I would miss SO much stuff.

And one of the things I wanted to do, felt compelled to do, was to tell the story of myself as a human with temporal struggles and suffering. I choose humanity and humanness. I choose “flaws” and I choose to inhabit unconsciousness. I choose broken love and broken dreams. I choose not letting go and dwelling on the past. I want to see and feel what it means; and I want to record it meticulously through me.
I ended that period of my life very much wanting to release my baggage and not look back, as per my normal habit. That would be going with the grain.

I was in love, and I wanted to walk away from that at the time, and when I could not make sense of what happened, I didn't want to think or speak about it again. I just wanted to die (to dispose of that identity, the body seemed incidental). So I wrote about it instead. At times more than I really wanted to.

I've said a lot of things in public here that I wouldn't have anticipated that I would need to say (or would feel the compulsion to... before I hada massive breakdown come the end of this summer. But it was a long time in coming that breakdown. You are moving into a new identity, and normally you don't go gently into that good night. I mean, what do you learn from it, if you “true wish” is to generate understanding from conflict”). It was really important for me to talk openly about sexual identity and this concept of “mental health” as it was impacting me; and both of those things are honestly going the way of the dodo. Extinct. :D Good riddance, especially the framing of “mental health”. And now... what takes its place? (back to that later) Yea. I need all these reference points of “stubs” (bits of perspective) that I have generated and written about here.

And I have said so much here that I have never shared with people before this. Most people never really knew me at all, including my own family and those who were relatively close to me. I kept people at a distance. Suppose I needed to do my “work” as I was doing it, that I knew a very limited amount about being the “true” me consciously. I was like... the more inverted, ascetic version of me; not the naturally expressive one. I wanted to be known, and I didn't. Always contradicting myself and inhabiting one perspective, and then opposite, sometimes at the same time (although not necessarily in equal ways; but it's worth noting that the manner of inhabiting it was rather fractured, inhabiting multiple perspectives simultaneously (or ALL perspectives, individually and collectively) is not an issue). Ambivalence about so many things. Fractured in many ways.

It's taken me a lifetime to do my work as I've done it up until now. I hang myself upside down (in the Odinist sense) in order to generate a unique and specific perspective about the way things are. I will need this knowledge/ awareness. Also, it marks the end of an era in an absolute sense. My “higher” and “lower” selves are put on course to reunite properly in an absolute way. So it will be as before humanity as we known it was even a civilization. I have not been in “ascended” or properly integrated form this whole time. I remember. And anyway, this form is a little too intense to be around, as we all are now. More importantly, I walk with whoever I am with, and who surrounds me.

It's also taken me a lifetime to figure out and piece together certain details and aspects like.... how to work with and integrate this rather complex mind and personality of mine, appropriate just for this time period, and in the greater arc of events.

And now, coming to terms with this in a public way. Destroying this sense of insularity and shame about who I was, how I just felt... irreconcilably different. Things I just couldn't share in a personal sense. Things I had seen and known about myself, about others, and this world. Past present future. Breaking personal social taboos and restrictions in a careful way, wherever they still stand. Everything is deliberate.
Trying on different perspectives and emotional stances (my own, and others), as intuititon dictsate,s in order to see how it fits, what sticks, and what collapses on itself. Putting myself in a relatively vulnerable position, in terms of social exposure and judgement, especially compared to what came before.
To start this process of recording and dialoging related to matters of personal, social, spiritual, and sexual development. Consciousness.


So what do I have now, that is “of” me? I have been focusing so hard on what I DON'T have, which is...:
*My body isn't in ideal condition, like it doesn't quite feel right. I arrive in rougher shape than I anticipated. (but hey, I still look good, priorities.)
*I have no man. Not the man I wanted. Not the conditions or life I wanted. I didn't get the home I wanted. I didn't get the love I wanted, manifested how I imagined and hoped it would turn out. I thought I'd always at least have the option to call him mine... what, because I'm entitled?
*My life, as I knew it before, ended very badly on my terms. Residual grief and sadness.
*I haven't had much of the chance to really live, on what I consider acceptable terms for myself. For me, this life has been mostly asceticism. To really show others who I really am, to out myself, to be loved and understood as I am. I never really felt like I had the freedom to be myself properly (since I feel like I take up so much goddamned space naturally). Always... other priorities. Always some aspect of myself holding myself in place.
*I don't have much of the physical means of independence as I would like. Money. The ability to change my physical circumstances immediately.
*I have lived with so much fear and inhibition of, and technically absolutely no chance of resolving it until the designated time period. Residual psychic debris still remains.

What DO I have?
*The same sort of things I've always had. I have my mind, for all its scope, depth and talents; my intelligence and my creative aptitude and sensibility. Perception.
*Social perception and awareness. I should still have the ability to interact and deal well with people in general, people in positions of power, and the ability to reorder society and make decisions in this way, appropriate for the current era.
*The return of my powers and talents in general, properly, and stronger than they've been before (in this life).
*”enlightenment”: relative psychoemotional resolution, as the approaching resolution of whatever remaining fear and inhibition I have. The collapse of this sense of the “inside” and the “outside”.
*hopefully now, functioning “psychic” links and connections, both wirings into people's direct consciousness, and collective consciousness, individual and collective subconsciousness, in a way that is much more powerful and cohesive than before. Reprising an ancient role in a much more powerful way.
*I have a decent backlog of stuff I have written within the last couple months to work with, moving forward. Whether I need to rewrite it or reframe it, it's still there.

I have myself and most of my faculties, basically.


***Trying on rage and pettiness consciously, the way one would wear a costume. On a serious note, the direct consolidation of power is kind of AGGRESSIVE.

 

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On that one specific man I loved...:

It is not appropriate to speak of him in excessive detail, and why I loved him like I did, and what exactly he did that caused me to overcome my cynicism at the time. So that I fell brutally in love with him. Nor does it really feel appropriate to describe him in excessive detail, what happened, how it fell apart other than brief allusions to it here and there.

I thought one day I was going to present our story to the world, and show everyone what he did for me. And to be able to say, "this is what true love is". And show the world some kind of supreme gesture of love that will be absolutely impossible for anyone else to repeat. Not so anymore, with things being how they are.  I can't even describe him as a person excessively without wondering which detail will give him away. Just to be safe and not a complete asshole. He is moderately public figure, and I am not. I don't have a reputation or established life to protect, really. He does. He chose what he did.

But I will say (again), he is phenomenally intelligent and has a wonderful mind, creatively speaking. And I can be...possibly the hardest person in the world to impress in that way. You cannot just replace someone like that, and especially for whatever there is as an inborn connection (which is something which has technically been deepened and developed across time, multiple lifetimes.)

Was it worth it for him, in a personal way either? I don't know... Will there ever be some kind of public component to anything that we do, that we've done? I have no idea? Will we reconcile? .... Either way, I can't bring my attachments and grudges with me.

Anyway, it seems the way for me to heal is bitching about him in a veiled way on a public forum. ... :D

Will this make more sense in retrospect? Maybe.

***Technically I have A LOT of powerful soul bonds, for the ways in which I have been very giving in the past, but I chose this one above all of them, in my mind. And as it was, it "failed". Fucking ouch. Here I thought I was probably going to reform my philandering ways, haha.

Edited by modmyth
Sensitive in the most positive sense of the word, perceptive, etc. I always thought his eyes were beautiful with a lot of depth to them... etc. >insert sappy shit here< (but moreso, stating "facts")

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"CREATIVE MORATORIUM":

On a serious note, there is still a sort of creative moratorium in place. There is a greater purpose in all of this. Though I'm not feeling angry (at least not right now; never say never, specifically when you're coming from a perspective of, "I wish this shit would be over already."), I need a way to get everyone's attention who matters in collective psychic space. I am still, technically a nobody, and I need a way to put myself on the map to meet whoever I need to meet.

I need to find a way to reprise my current role, however it should take shape, as quickly and efficiently possible. For everyone's benefit and others, not just mine. See, some people have been waiting on me their whole lives. Others, at least a decade. Others themselves won't be ready for at least another decade or so. I have have seen some things.

Some of these people have been wondering where there hell I've been and why it's taken so long. I have an awareness of this, increasingly more so as time goes on. Unless I have had some special interest with you, I haven't bothered giving any indication of where I am or what I'm doing. So that's been up to people to figure out themselves, if they have the means. Too busy resolving my own shit. Suppose some people can tell that I've been extremely withdrawn and hiding. Were expecting me to take on a more obvious and visible form (both in terms of how I manifest personally as well as being socially visible).

In general, as long as I don't have some massive self interest and attachment obscuring my vision, I have an idea who knows what about me, how well you know me, what SIDE of you I've shown you, and what our relationship has been like in the past (hint hint: I've been through quite a few beds (I mean in past lives here haha, not present), and tend to leave a very strong impression). More and more comes to me, memory wise. Mostly, I think I know everything that's essential to know now, to move forward.

How will it take exact shape, at this moment? I dunno LOA that shit. xD

I have snapshots of certain aspects and feeling-imprints of the future. it's not like i can see everything that will ever be, especially the little details. I can honestly say, some of these details probably don't matter.

Anyway, this is why I'm alive. This is why I'm bothering with anything. This is why I did everything that I did. I will do whatever it takes to get where I need to go, one way or another. But it's for everyone's best interest that this route be as direct as possible now. 

***I'm not at all concerned with seeming nuts in public (except for whatever remains of residual my personal/ social taboo sense). I have a great track record with playing things off in public, saying exactly what I mean sometimes, which is the essence of hiding in plain sight. And I have a great track record of getting things done that I've planned to do, before I enter in body. I never fail with these things.

Edited by modmyth
***I have an idea of how everything major will go. In this lifetime collectively, my own life, the next few lifetimes, the next 5000 years or so. And I have some ideas about the couple cycles ahead as well.

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A Stereotypically Canadian thing: Saying sorry when we're not actually sorry, but just being polite. As in, "sorry for this situation" or "sorry for your inconvenience". Etc. :D

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Also, the early-mid nineties. I like so much music from this period, but I was too young to remember most of it at all TBH.

"I like to paint , read books , cook... and masturbate!" xD  Also, I love how much she loves her shelf. That's endearing. I think she legitimately loves her shelf more than some people love people (who they are supposed to love).

***find someone who loves you the way Aurora loves her shelf***

***On the topic before: And if it turns out that there' s no one waiting there anymore? Well then, I guess I'm obliged to start from scratch (relatively speaking). It won't be the first time.

Edited by modmyth

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I AM A PERFECT STORM// Some truths about me// love/ sexuality:

*EMBRACING MYSELF: If I stopped turning on myself in small and large ways, in ways that are both seen and unseen to me, there there would be not question or contradiction in my will to live. Whether I want to be here fully or not. Whether life is joy or a tiring series of obligations, first and foremost. This separation and segmentation of my aspects. I have already agreed to stop doing this. In every way possible. And to become conscious of all these ways. To stop arguing with myself in whatever way there is, basically. Most self dialogue is this. If you respected and accepted your innocence fully, then you would not feel the need to rebel or judge against even society for being the way that is, you'd just show up truly. Rebelling then... can be seen as an attempt to resolve a wrong, a judgement against others... which started first as a judgement against yourself.
*Also, being direct and more singular in my expression would become a lot easier and more natural, because I wouldn't be constantly contradicting and running against myself. See the point above. (Again, there is a bigger plan to all of it. Which is why I am documenting it instead of keeping it private, although this is half by design and half choice.)
*OF MY TRUE SELF: My whole life I perpetually feel like I am too much of everything. And of the “good” things too. (I have pretty much never been told that I'm too little of anything).
*If I embrace my true sexuality fully (accept it fully, look at it fully, as much as humanly possible in a public way), I have often felt like everything else would fall into place. It has, apparently not been enough at all to accept and see myself in private too. I kept hoping this was all I would have to do. I don't know how people quite literally manage to survive living the way they do, with all these restrictions. Being one person in public (or having multiple identities). I literally feel like this is lifesapping. Like it has literally been the death of me. I wish I could make it easier on myself. But we are all working with what we have first, no exception.
*I am both highly sexual and highly sentimental (and these are not contradictory things, but the first thing is often necessary for the first).
*So I myself have to go completely with the urge to live, to be open, to express myself, and not kowtow to anything that runs against this. Anything at all (at least not internally, I CANNOT truly believe it, but practically, I must act differently.)
*Is there something inherently ill about this idea and conception of love as... something precious you reserve for one person? And then everyone else, excluded? This sharp division of love and other social connections that's a hallmark of society, this need to strongly dictate who and what you should be able to love, as opposed to whoever it is that you would love naturally, in whatever form that naturally arises. (I know that there are a lot of people who say that there is no such reality outside of socialization, but I disagree. Have you ever watched animals that are very social in nature bonding with each other? They're not exactly going around without social structure, but there is telling and moralism involved as far as well now, haha ... There is nothing novel at all in this idea. But some say THIS is exactly what we're trying to avoid.) But anyway, there are at least a number of people who can truly make this work in a healthy way, right? At least I believe it is possible, why not? So I'm not saying all expressions of it HAS to be ill, but look around, how much of it is really “aligned”. Really life affirming?
*Is there something inherently ill about my desire the past handful of years to be really precious about being in love with one particular person, and the way that I have been doing it? Is there any redeeming value to my self restraint other than giving me some time to think and to reflect (which is pretty hard when you're just a flurry of action, when you move so quickly, almost automatically and instinctively from impulse to action. Which is... not inherently bad. Or thoughtless. Say you just process everything very very quickly?) I thought I was supposed to overcome this, especially my tendency to behave in the way that I do... rather impulsively and without thinking, at least at first. So all of this, and then I just return to what it is that I would be doing naturally before (with social constraints)? All of that effort for this? ....
 Like even so, I have barely been able to control the urge to be and do the opposite. This is made more intense by the waking up of true love/lust inside me. There is my will to live right here, the will to be alive. It is to share everything that is good and powerful (in the energy sense) about me directly, or else why would I even be here personally? I have no ultimate mastery to gain here. But there is a return for me, returning to what I was ... before this whole cycle.
*This is a much deeper issue than the sexual shame/ limitations inherited from a specific time period... a really deep/ complicated issue that I have never been able to solve properly during this timeframe of civilization as we've known it... I have simply made the best over and over again. I wish it wasn't so, but it is as it is. It is as follows, roughly: my energy all focused on one person, is very very intense (without putting on a lot brakes). I have had an inclination (at times) to just focus on one person, and also society prefers it. It's not just what I ask for (which is technically everything), but it's what I give too. I have made myself "less" to be with someone before, again and again (some people say this is completely unavoidable in love, this compromise.) I don't hate it exactly. But my love has been said to be too intense and too corrosive the more direct contact there is with me (my particular form of loving, and my Embodied Self), particularly the more it goes on with time... when I focus on one person like that. It's just not been sustainable. I get blamed for this.
*Society, particularly in most of the past, and the more, can't really take my particularly sexual way of spreading love around everywhere in an actually free way, so I negotiate what I show very carefully within myself first, but also normally socialization takes care of a lot of this for me. It's socially disruptive. I'm pretty much always playing on the margins of what I can get away with socially in relatively plain view, where people know what I'm up to (I have mentioned over and over at this point, that secrets are not my thing).
*The stuff said about me does hurt. But I understand. But I have internalized that maybe I am fundamentally BAD or bad for people, or just invalid (not of service to humanity anymore, like antiquated in my authentic form. Like a hazard risk. And I am perpetually adjusting adjusting adjusting over lifetimes and lifetimes, much to my cumulative detriment and fatigue. This is my KARMA where I have had nothing originally. Like crushing myself into that box in a conscious way, over and over. It's just habit now. The compulsion to love in my unrestrained form... has actually worked before. Just not in almost all recent lives. But also the responsibility and desire to push away, to disconnect, (which I also am blamed for). Also, giving away as I do, with societal conditioning still intact especially, is also potentially lethal for me. (Think I've touched on some of this, but I'm getting more succinct.)
*In past lives, people have seen me as an expression of freespiritedness in society, but I still feel crushed into a box most of the time. Just a somewhat larger ones. The difference... honestly, it feels mostly negligible at times.
*In whatever ways that I can be said to have more at my disposal (more perception, more energy, being in tune with the divine, intelligence and giftedness, etc.), so I have seen it as my responsibility to do a disproportionate amount of the adjusting of myself, even when this causes me quite a lot of suffering that I feel I must hide, because service and what not. This is multi-lifetime karma. A lot of subconscious rage caused by this.


*I have to stop withholding myself now period, all ways. Whatever ways that are left. What an illness. So there is the issue of negotiating this with present timespace and other people. So how does this look presently, exactly? Figuring it out still. 

*There is however, an actual future anticipated end for this. In the end, we are a fully connected society psychoemotionally and psychically, and of thought. And the energy flows completely and appropriately going all ways. It is simply resistance against my energy (or if you want to say, the energy of god proper, that causes this energy to be a hazard. Freeflowing, it is no issue.)

*Maybe for once, people might actually be able to understand this issue a little clearer? Instead of just blaming me for things that are currently beyond my means to fix in a very very short period of time?
**I imagine this is pretty meaningless if in some way, your soul has not had direct contact with mine in some way. But I dunno.

Edited by modmyth
Digging down and purging all of these ridiculous layers and judgements about myself. Who am I underneath it all, other than the roles I've played? There's no surprise here.

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THE FUTURE/ A Secret Society out in the Open:

So I have a very good idea of what I want and a pretty good idea of how to start. There is something specific I'm looking to create, specific attributes and qualities, and a shared specific value systems, shared life mission (collective, and personal vision). The core values and qualities I'm looking for haven't changed much, but the specific manifestation of them usually changes from lifetime to lifetime, according the current zeitgeist.

I'm looking for a sort of psychically hyperconnected smaller scale society, but not exactly to create exactly what was in the past (not that this is exactly possible, and this is not how it works). I am looking for "family", in a sense. Or an inner circle.

For those of you who are meant to be with me, nothing will get done properly otherwise. It is simply necessary.

I understand, have seen, and empathized with how incredibly difficult it's been to predict what it is that I'm going to do, and the overall shape of my intentions, my path (and the purpose of it), despite some serious attempts. Unless I say or give direct and clear indication of what this is. My spirit has to "authorize" this, in a sense.

I will be very open about what I'm looking for here (and anywhere else), as this has always worked well enough for me in the past (you know, provided that there aren't governmental authorities that will put dissenting heads on pikes.). Openness is my way. Also, let's just say that I have taken a rather full inventory of anything and everything that has gone wrong and not worked through multiple lifetimes and in the big picture, considered what this has meant, and have a solid sense of how things must be done going forward. There is a path there. And there is a specific image in mind. Both for the near present and the future. I will explain this more in greater depth. Hopefully this will all become increasingly clear. (I am getting my own story straight, at least with the verbalizing part.)

One reason why I've been writing so much about myself and my past, other than this need to make right this relationship with my "temporal" self and identity, is like... I want people I associate with to understand and empathize with me as I've been, as much as possible (at least through this medium that is writing). As odd and outlandish as it must seem at times. Even though I'm not really making easy, I know. And if you can't, if you would have nothing to do with my temporal self, or you judge me in ways that I don't deem appropriate or think I wasn't 'worthy' (but you might want everything to with me while, because you want something that I have). I'm sorry. How will you serve humanity with that attitude in you; how will you serve "me"? (Yes, serve me. I tend to be in leadership positions in a resolved state, but I will make it very clear also how I will serve you, and what exactly I am capable of offering.) Anyway, I will be able to smell it from a mile away, attitude in general, and psychic dissonance. People are not as good at hiding things as they think (or is it just that am I just a very good read?).

Understand that if there are specific things you need or desire, I am endlessly capable when I also have the will and desire, but the parameters I'm working with are YOU now. Your limitations, moreso than mine, when it comes to giving you what you need/ want.

I think I might have to oust a lot of my former connections, as I've known them. Anyone I cut off, if I do, it won't be permanent, but in the end, if you cannot live absolutely by my values, you cannot be too close to me, and I cannot hold you in my focus excessively or have you be excessively present. You cannot have excessively close contact with my spirit (and you won't be able to get a hold of me or my aspects, in the way that I am increasingly CONSCIOUS and in one piece, and will have control and awareness of all of my aspects as they've ever been, everywhere. Think about it. Logistically speaking, this just does not work. Nothing can be done behind my back.

Think of me, as I've been, as a rather vulnerable and exposed nucleus, for the ways that I have been exposed and that I have suffered temporally. I am powerful in quite a few ways, but also extremely vulnerable in other ways because of my sensitivity, circumstances, multilife "karma". etc, and especially in my younger developmental phases as human being. (Generally I don't believe this can be helped.) My romantic sentiment has also been a profound risk to me (and not just to others). There has been a reason why I've been protecting myself and been relatively cold and distant in some ways.

So... you will be more just like another person... than I used to have a history with. Because things are not quite right. I can't do much with them, as the more I hold value in the things that have been, the more I try to find something in it. The more ill and bogged down I feel. Like it's a poison. When things are even more in right order within me than they are now, then it should be no issue either way.

You must put "me" first, absolutely. Visibly in your present and private life, with absolute consistency, and say exactly who I am and what I mean to you. Whatever the cost. No more veiled games going on either side. And I will put "you" first, whatever the cost. In the same way that I put "myself" first. There is no differentiation here ultimately. This is the way of the future. As long as I'm fighting myself, nothing works properly, I understand. This is how it is with people, going forward. The way of the future is openness and "authenticity" (as it's already been declared to be so), and the barriers between public and private completely collapsing. Yes, this is what we must all give up, sooner or later. Even if not in this life, not entirely.

When in a resolved state, nothing in the past would have happened as it did. It would have been impossible. But I have watched, and I have learned. If you do not choose me now, fully, I cannot choose you. Not right now. Suppose I have meant to show (even if only in bits and pieces, rather than in the most cohesive way), certain ways of functioning cause me a great deal of pain; make it so that I cannot function properly, that I cannot do my work properly. I am still hemorrhaging emotionally here. I will put something much better than what's been for a long time in place of everything that's ever been in this life. And the life before, and the life before, and so forth.

***One of the "rules" is that no one may be put in my "place", in terms of significance now. I'm not going lie, the last couple years have shaped my tolerance for this significantly. I will not split and do a disservice to myself now or as I was and break this. Everyone is just gonna have to deal... like they always have. I will oust anyone who goes against this now permanently, or just not let anyone close to me who doesn't agree to this. See above as to why I cannot let this be. I'm not just making arbitrary tyrannical rules here. I NEVER HAVE. (but I am still capable of being selfish, obviously. There is no inherent issue with this. This has NEVER been the issue. It's breaking the covenants of connection, going both ways.)

***In hyperconnection, what is best for one is best for everyone. Likewise your inner conflict impacts everyone in the most direct ways. So it's the same stuff. It cannot be.

***"Rules" are just as much for everyone's benefit as it they are for mine. So you know exactly where I stand with a bunch of things, and what I will and won't deviate from now. Once I set these, I will commit to them for the rest of my life.

Edited by modmyth
I understand that there are those who have been waiting for me to set parameters.

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VALUES/ ETHICS// Sorting it Out:

However, if there is one thing that you will get with me that you absolutely won't anywhere else... that is the most clear and open view of what is involved in the future, what I can offer, what I am asking for, and a picture of what I am aiming for personally, with others. It will become much clearer. Also, the clearest view possible of the sort of dynamics involved in said type of society, BEFORE you actually get involved. Including limitations, possibilities, past and possible future risks. And I won't (and haven't been willing to) expose anyone new to me properly until I have this sorted out properly, as much as possible.

Basically anything you want to ask or know, you can. I don't mind. I have nothing to hide except in where it must serve the biggest picture of things (I am not saying by the way, that there are not many others following this principle. It's just that I will push this to the logical extreme while still involved in society, when I am, I will do this in the most effective, socially savvy way possible. I mean on a large scale moreso than the short term, I tend to be extremely calculating. THIS is one of my enduring hallmarks.)

And... this openness acts as a strong filter as well. If you cannot or are not prepared to deal with the facts here, that society is complex, people are complex, that we are collectively facing complex issues and problems, and you just care mainly about solving your own problems or carrying your own judgements as they stand? (If you do, just be honest about it. But it's not a great way  to make friends, is it?) If you expect a spiritual guru or authority figure to mommy or daddy you in the sense that they primarily just exist for your benefit and to solve your issues (and then, maybe to NOT be there when it benefits you), despite anything you do or say otherwise... yea. We're a poor match for each other, and honestly, who wants to deal with people like that by choice? Even a little bit of this; I really don't care for it.

I will also make clearer what I am looking for in people. The general personal qualities haven't changed, but I do have in mind specific priorities and specific personality types (and people) this time around.

If you cannot deal with the fact that I also have had issues because I live in human society like everyone else, then we are not a good fit for each other in a personal way anyway.  If you don't care to understand or empathize with me as I am, as I've been. You possibly have some kind of issue with authority figures where you are looking for safety in the form of infallibility. That is... not life. Or, maybe my personality and way of looking at things is not your cup of tea? Also fine.

If you are the kind of person who needs, who is not capable of developing greater empathy and understanding toward human issues, from wherever your vantage point is, we are not a good for each other in a more personal way, or to serve the greatest good here together. In a direct way.

If you are not devoted to being the best that you can possibly be, in the service of the highest good, if you will not go the full way, we are not a good fit for each other. It's a matter of shared values.

I expect the absolute best of those I work with, and will cultivate this in an uncompromising way. (And I have had the best to work with, have helped developed the best, by relatively objective measures.) My process will be "open" for view. Generally speaking, the more I ask of you, the more I see in you. I've been known to be harsh. By the way, I do actually apply the exact same standard to myself. I will be more exacting with myself than I would ever ask of anyone else, and I always work carefully within someone's frameworks and perceived capacities. And I am extraordinarily careful with this process, harsh or not.

(This has not changed at all.)

***I don't want to deal with people who are whiny and entitled extensively. Waste of my time. (By this, I mean that when push comes to shove, you make excuses for yourself. Not that you whine a bit, or even a lot (depending on the circumstances and reasons for doing things.) But like... you won't face the truth. Or be open to it. Whatever it is.)

***I need some fucking GRIT from people.

Edited by modmyth

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I AM AURORA// NIGHT CHAPEL:

Ah... this song/ mood was so...3 ago? It reminds of something that was lost... but never is quite lost (or found either).

Actually, this music video fits the feel perfectly. Love it... Spinning in the woods from dusk until dawn is an eternal mood. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I always feel this way. I am this person. The consecration of the elements never leaves me.

I live near a place where this is often what I am doing at dusk. I become osmotic.

I wish someone would spin with me, this time around. :x

***Honestly, this is one of my greatest personal wishes. To experience this kind of connection fully and powerfully with someone again in this lifetime, fully merged with them and fully merged with the elements, in this body. I've always done this alone. Or with the spirits.

***I have often gotten told that hanging out in the woods alone at dusk is not something I should do (alone, especially as a woman), because safety, but some things are just worth it.

Edited by modmyth
I went through a strong minimalist phase at that time period.

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EARLY AM MOOD:

This man is a fucking legend. If I drank wine (I don't, I'm allergic, thanks mom), his drunkenness is a total endorsement of the product. They should have just used one of the outtakes as the commercial. :D

 

Edited by modmyth
MuuuuAAAAhhaaaa the Frenchhhhhhh

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FUCK MARRIAGE// ON BEING "PRECIOUS" IN LOVE:

Everything feels so insanely out of order, and out of time right now. Why this obsession with one man, and not the one in front of me? Right now? I find myself collapsing into myself; like I am turning myself inside out.. and swallowing myself.

What did this kind of love ever really yield anyway? Where is the substance in it, the real? (Or to get the closest we can possibly get to it). What did I possibly have to offer as I was, except the memory of what I was before that? Shadows and burnt engravings of what came before? This particular kind of preciousness in love is either so sterile, or it burns all bridges. Including yourself. You are the bridge. .....

So there's nothing left, nothing worth keeping; oh well. Maybe I could have let go properly the first time. Maybe I could have never even showed up for "round two". My past life, in this body, leaves me trying to sustain myself on ashes... and repeatedly trying to elevate that experience. I called this love. .... Trying to compensate for the emotional poverty and fatigue within me in that way. True love never multiplies like this.

A requirement for being closely involved with me in the future (or for whoever ends up in my "inner circle", is renouncing institutional love with me, which means no marriage. No issue if you weren't gonna anyway, I guess. This is about making a social statement. Not just being edgy just for the sake of being edgy, FFS. This does... fit into the bigger picture of the future, future societies.

I myself don't think I can do a "sacred marriage" (or serial "sacred marriages", except only in the most unofficious sense, so noninstitutional. We have the SPIRIT of it and the connection, and not the right container unless we make one in this lifetime. I don't think it will happen) this time around. This is out of respect and remembrance to my former self. Especially picking a "one and only" for the rest of my life, and being very precious about it, even if it's coming from a space of relative emotional abundance (has elements of "universal love"). I mean, I already talked about it. It was full of truth AND it was bitter as fuck. This lacks bitterness. I just don't see the way.

I have long suspected that this was probably the way, although, I am still feeling fatigued. I am growing tired of even asking, did it have to be so harsh and to end so badly for me to be decisive about what the future should hold for us collectively, one way or another? I am fully committed (always have been, even in the intensity of my apathy). ... Back to my old habits, huh? (I have no issue being as I am, but I do feel the conflict inside me, running against society in one form another. And being told that my ways are not working, or just BAD, because I MUST see the truth in it one way or another.) While actively participating in society, I feel obliged to reform it. Being present here... I feel every bit of dissonance, everywhere I turn. I feel it in my body. "My body" extends far beyond the perimeters of my physical body. I have been blinding myself to it deliberately and habitually at many points, and have been feeling the disconnection and discord inside me. It's always there. I never don't see it and not escape it, the more I am "ME".

But... I would feel it outside of civilization too. The more connected you are, the more the collective consciousness and everything about it is there, everywhere you go. But at least the physical/ etheric bodies gets some rest from what's in the nearest proximity.

Edited by modmyth

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THE FUTURE OF HUMAN LOVE?// What does this all mean?: (I guess I am not showing what is positive about my love here, not very much of it, anyway. If this was a PR move, it would fucking suck. IDGAF because I bring more than enough to the table.

We hold our hands and our hearts open, so love has the space to land. Not closing our fists too tightly around it. Since when has this ever worked except for very short periods of time? The person who has closed fists around love, or the object of love, quickly grows bored with that love, or else it becomes horribly stagnant. And love is by its nature pure infinite FLOW. You have to release the grip, in some form or another in order to make it even marginally sustainable (and sometimes, that is in the form of two people changing).

But what happens.. when someone holds me in what feels like a tight grip, but they say they are holding me loosely? That they are trying very hard not to, to compromise? This is why... in order to love me and to love me properly, so that you don't do damage to me.... you pretty much have to let me do what I want. (Not stepping on other people who don't step on me... comes extremely naturally to me, unless I am numbed out.) To And you cannot... walk away. You cannot distance yourself from me, or turn away from me. Or you will kill me. So...what is this worth to anyone anymore, anyway? To love me in this way?

I have tried to love more as humans love. I was nothing like this originally at all (the notion of being "precious" being completely alien to me inherently). Our modern notion of love did not exist originally. It has been changing quite a lot through time and with culture; it always has been . But this tendency toward institutionalism or close fistedness? It's always been there.

BEING SENSITIVE: If anyone says that I am heartless now, that I have been heartless because I love fully in the moment and walk away because... other things. Because I don't play along. Because you cannot "have" me. I know that I should have never let anyone "have" me or myself give that notion any credence, and certainly not for too long. I will completely ignore them and not feel bad about it anymore ultimately, though I do not wish to cause harm. Gods forbid I also need to survive.

Wish to be very very open about my desires and expectations. And point to this phase in my life. I tried to love other people's way, to the best of my ability. What causes other people to suffer (even profoundly)... but they can apparently manage to live through whole lifetimes and die naturally that way? This will kill me in a relatively short period of time. So why go through with this then, if it was "meant to be" this way? If I am just back on my original track/ perspective, the one I had when I was in my early teens? ....

Surely this marks the end of an era? Sure, say I reach the point where I don't HAVE to make my experiences mean something, but it serves a higher purpose. So I do. So it goes.

***I release my own grip, and something fierce floods my mind and heart.

***I have taken this notion that I am shitty, heartless, and unfair very VERY seriously.

***I will start talking more about what I have to offer and what I am capable of, how I can achieve or give what I claim. But like... I have always set the terms first. That's my power and my right.

Edited by modmyth
Really determined to finish sorting this out ASAP.// sex is the closet thing anyone gets to "having" me, unless you are designated "family".

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Quote

Hope there's someone who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go?
Hope there's someone who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired

There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head?

Oh, I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there

There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will I rest my head?

So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed

Hope there's someone who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go?
Hope there's someone who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired

Some heartfelt wishes don't come true. Sometimes life shows absolutely no mercy, and slaughters you. Sometimes there is no break. No escape. Nothing substantial to hold. No true reprise. It's how it goes.

Quote

In the slaughterhouse of love, they kill
only the best, none of the weak or deformed.
Don't run away from this dying.
Whoever's not killed for love is dead meat.

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

Rumi Requote, 2 poems: Sometimes Rumi is beautiful and brutal and the same time. Life asks for much more GRIT and decisiveness and hardness from me. Because I ask this from myself; there is simply nowhere else to go.

When I realized that I would have to the work normally associated with two or more lifetimes (phase 1: ascetic sacrifice, phase 2: social functions phase 3: wrapping it up) I was not that thrilled. Usually "phase 1" is something you take in adulthood by yourself when you are fully developed, or under "spiritual" apprenticeship (the latter I haven't really done). So if your ascetic practice involves trauma or extreme difficulty (however severe you can imagine it to be), it is VERY different qualitatively between starting this in childhood or teenagehood, and being pushed off the proverbial cliff.

There is nothing in this world that "makes up" for a harrowing developmental phase. This is the wrong way to look at it anyway.

VOICE: I had always been "dead meat". So it goes. Obliging myself to wrap up this kind of rhetoric/ dialogue, and to replace it with something else. So now, what goes there instead? I only speak like this do my former self and thorough credit. For all the times that I've STFU and kept my head down. I had the kind of life where I did not have the luxury to complain, or to retrospective dwell in this kind of way, as it had been. What true voice did I have to speak of? I gave up almost everything of value. Survival took precedence. No space to look back or outward excessively. Learning and keeping my eyes open took precedence over pretty much everything else. (This writing and work here is a way to continue take my own side; as I was (and as I still am). At this point, it is more for this reason that much of an emotional purge.)

Truly, I hope abundant sexual practice/affection and proper energy work will wipe the slate clean phenomenally. This is... something which actually has an excellent track record... and is not just made of fluffy clouds and hope.

I will always be on my own side now, no matter the cost.

No matter how I was loved or not loved. Understood or not understood. Whatever I felt like I deserved or didn't deserve. For whatever I went through. Whether I felt like I could have changed the outcome or not. I was fucking worth it. My temporal self. I take her side. I give myself the love and understanding that I was not given, despite what was the end (this summer).

Edited by modmyth

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FIRE// ELEMENTAL AFFINITY// PURGE:

Going through the judgement reel of the last few months related to this issue, plus a few other issues. Wow, for the other issues, there's comparatively little holding me back at this point. Just this one fucking thing. Good lord... at least I don't have to deal with any more review of delusional thoughts and hopes and like... blind optimism. Like I did this summer. Over and over and over again till I want to fucking barf. Good fucking riddance. Close the portal. Burn it with fire!

giphy.gif

Maybe he doesn't care if I'm dead in a heap. Or whatever. Who knows. Just stop this all, haha.

***Not even turning against myself for having these thoughts now. Just sick of it. As I have been for quite a long time.

***THE Dumbest thing I've done with my life by far. All of this. But hey, I stated that on the first page. 

Edited by modmyth
Yea, not being that patient when shit could go faster. Is that a core personality trait? I mean it's better when you can recognize that continuing down a certain avenue, or line of working, is wasting time, yea?

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