modmyth

Coming Out: Confessionals

213 posts in this topic

I don't understand your writing. The same way that I don't understand @zeroISinfinity 's writing. 

In short this is the overall view. 

You are psychic. And have felt many other's experiences. But what does it do to you? Does it benefit your path? 

...

Your writing feels chaotic. So I drop that song. Another one would be :

 

Edited by Angelite

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@Angelite  (woah, I wrote an essay.)

There's a difference between feeling other's experiences (as yourself), and having lived it as them (to varying degrees). I am very sensitive/ empath. Do you not get negatively affected when you hear about or imagine something that's really violent? Now imagine that you are that person doing the actual crime? That are you feeling their feelings and thoughts? You see everything they do? That you are in their soul, in a way?..... It is one thing to play all sorts of conceptual games about what this is like, it's another thing entirely to experience it directly. I impacts you directly, unless you're completely heartless or disconnected. You take on their qualities or "corruption", and in my case, I transmute their consciousness.

This is not for my direct benefit, mostly, although it is for my understanding. (I am a former god/ patron saint of understanding, and various other things. Some would say the, but you know... always take reputation and myth with a grain of salt.) It is intended to be for humanity's benefit. If things have worked as they should, the places where my consciousness have touched, are places where repeated unconscious behaviours cannot return. One consciousness touches it, it transforms. And anyway, I am quite literally there (an aspect of my personal consciousnesses). And in the case that there in a slide back into certain patterns, if they twist, I twist back.

Likewise, there is a massive difference IMO between having past life memories, and living with the conscious weight of all your past memories (or whatever is left of them). All at once. And since I have no real sense of time, remembering what it's like... as if someone killed you yesterday. There is no real sense of psychological or emotional distance to me. I am still emotionally affected by certain things. Because... I am human.

There is a contradiction in my personality overall. I have lived most of my lifetimes masking myself living as a normal person, and at least being relatively aware of this, and some other lives in the guru/ human god role. When I live as a "normal person", albeit even a famous, respected, loved, and talented one; it's different. I have to hide and control so much about myself, so meticulously, that it takes a toll on me emotionally. It has been like a prison, at times. This life...felt the most like a prison. I am dealing with the result of that now, plus the ways in which my current life have been very traumatic.

So I have asked the question earlier in my journal somewhere, I can transform myself into other people, in dreams, through conscious understanding and in waking life. I can speak in people's language. But can people speak in my language? Does anyone even care to learn anymore? I don't know. But there are a very large number of things to resolve in this world.

I am not the love and light and sparkles manifestation of the divine. :D Most of the gods of antiquity are not. Have a very chaotic aspect. Have the capacity to get furiously angry when they don't get what they want. Are shamelessly lustful. Are so direct about embracing living in the body and the senses, and the total capacity of the human experience. And this stuff is relatively out in the open too, compared to societies that came after. And yet, they would be considered illuminated in the technical sense. It's a matter of human aesthetics and morals. People used to be more direct about what they wanted, and elevating the strong, the intelligent, the beautiful, for better and for worse.

Anyway, I'm mostly writing this journal for myself, to consolidate myself. And to remember parts of myself that I would rather have left behind, because I would have preferred to just live life and move on originally, to be honest. Also, to record myself while I am still fragmented. All of these conflicting perspectives are about to collapse though. The more a process of resolving something is accelerated, the more chaotic things can be. I don't have the time or energy to make things look prettier or neater. That's not my aesthetic. I don't care. I want to record the truth of my own experience, as much as I can, from moment to moment. Because this literally a once in a lifetime chance for me. I won't be writing like this after I'm done.

I am not a "normal" psychic (whatever that is). I am not a channel. I do a lot more than "see". But I can fulfill all of their functions.

I have to admit though, I think staying on this site may have made writing more convoluted, haha.

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But I am chaotic and conflicted because humanity is, and the opposite is true too. I will not leave this state fully until everything in humanity resolved. Every person who has illumination can sense and feel the state of humanity directly, as a totality; even if they've living in seclusion. All the time. It's just that they're not taking it into their bodies and minds constantly through their immediate environment. I do not distance myself though, not usually. I tend to put myself on the firing line, or cutting edge. Whatever you'd like to call it.

Edited by modmyth
I bear humanity's burdens directly. I just haven't cared to talk about it directly, up to this point.

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@Raptorsin7 Yes, but it's about being illuminated in every aspect and energy centre, including in the heart and in your sexual centre. Otherwise you're just a floating brain. :D

Seriously though, quite a few ESP powers are rooted in the heart first, and the mind either plays a secondary or minimal role, or it's not possible to use certain abilities properly without the heart illuminated, period. Other abilities are third eye or mindcentric. Mostly abilities related to psychic seeing (in the literal sense, like remote viewing), clairaudience, related abilities. Perspective in general, making judgements or analysis, interpreting experience. It's not like those things are inherently negative lol. It just gets out of control.

The heart isn't just emotion, it is desire or where intention comes from. It's will. It's sensuality (not just in a sexual sense, but also, the complete embodying of your reality, and actually enjoying it). Feeling like things have meaning and purpose. Feeling whole. Emotional perception. There are also a whole host of "higher" ESP abilities related to the heart. Anything that involves psychic feeling or transmutation. Also, being able to feel directly into people's souls or experiences, to embody them. Some other stuff.

Edited by modmyth

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@modmyth Crazy... It sounds like such bullshit but  a lot of this work sounds like none sense tbh. I'm going to make an active effort to open my third eye I wonder what i'll start seeing.

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@Raptorsin7  I was born a certain way. It's just business as usual for me, for the most part. I have done very little work and put in little effort compared to some people, including people here, who have devoted the best part of their energy to their growth, if not most of their energy period. I respect that. (In fact, sometimes, I just shut most of it off so I could experience living "normally". It makes me physically and emotionally ill.)

Most of these abilities would take a lifetime to develop, if you have some affinity, if not multiple lifetimes, under normal circumstances. This is usually why people get a guru or teacher, I guess. Aside from having specialized knowledge or techniques (assuming they're the real deal), they may also practice direct transmission (passing on powers and energy directly from teacher to student). Direct transmission used to be the primary means; and everything else was just preparation for either opening up, or creating a sort of mental framework to make use of what's there, psychologically. We're not emotionally and psychically open anymore, as species, not quite as it was, so this sort of passing is a lot more difficult now.

I totally respect this desire to hack it out on your own though, especially when people can manage it.

Edited by modmyth
The downside/upside is that this binds you to your teacher/ whoever transmitted to you, because the energy level is so incredibly high. It brands you in a way, through forming associations. Unavoidable probably.

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19 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@modmyth I'm getting enlightenment coaching from Nahm so that's my guru i guess.

You are wise. Good ♥️ breadcrumbs. 

@modmyth Nice journal I love it. 

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@modmyth when you mention about teacher, I keep on remembering my guru. Who are psychic. Haha

Ok 

 

Edited by Angelite

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My Secret Weakness (and Shame):

Or one of them, anyway. I wanted to be taken care of like a little girl (or with the little girl in me in mind, more accurately). For the times where I had gotten especially frightened and confused; for the ways in which my life had been extremely traumatic. For the burdens I have had to bear, then and now. I wanted someone to be that strength for me, at least sometimes. I wanted to lean on someone fully, even though I know I am heavy (with the weight of the world on my heart); maybe too heavy to hold for long at all. Human vulnerability. There's no shame in it, intrinsically. And I could never trust anyone enough to let them in until.... (I took my chance). I didn't want to stay this way, I couldn't..... not with someone else taking care of me, by myself. Not alone either.

I thought I was known. Was too obvious. I was ashamed of my weakness (or is it more accurate to say that I am too proud for it?).

Part of me prefers to drop dead from hurt and fatigue. Or to be my own end, with my own hands. I face this alone.

I was hoping someone could be to me, what maybe I have been to others, in times past.... (comfort of the soul, warmth inside me, protection). Hoped that person would stay forever. I believed through doubt (or was it hope?). See me and want me. Just this once. Please. Whatever I have done, and whatever I have been. Whatever I think I deserve (or don't). Because I didn't think I could manage it otherwise, that I would want to. Denied.

Nothing. It wasn't meant to be.

Thought I was meant to go home. Thought I would be taken there, if I waited long enough. Thought it was waiting for me. Thought I was being waited for. When things were right enough (I was never waiting for perfect, just to feel safe enough, with something more solid in my hands...). It never came. No home.

My own human vulnerability is the hardest thing for me to face sometimes. I seemed barely equipped. Like it's barely a part of my repository of experiences, feelings, choices. It drowns me in spades.

It's okay. (I comfort myself now. No past. No future.) 
 

 

Edited by modmyth
"Be a fucking adult and take care of yourself."

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