Pouya

The reason why hating oneself is easier than loving it.

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6 months ago, I sat down and tried to find every little thing I hated, about my body, my mind, my personality and my idenitity. I wrote down a page full of hatred and I just left it.

Yesterday I found the notebook and read it. I was shocked by how I was thinking about myself. I haven't really changed much since then (so the changes aren't there to make me feel better about myself) but for some reason, I have become the exact opposite of how I was.

Everything I hated then, I love it now. It just doesn't make any sense. So I contemplated about "Why I love the things I hated? Why people self hate instead of self love?"

I realized that self love is so much harder. It's like the whole human psyche favors self hate more that self love.

The reason is: 

Self hate puts oneself in a position of being a victim, being someone that life wasn't fair to. It gives the person a reason to not act, not change, stay stable (Homeostasis at work ;)) and always blame other things and people for their hate. (Ego is safe here.)

The twisted thing was; I actually liked being a victim, being depressed and hating myself. I just wasn't mindful enough to see this. Like, inside, unconsciously, I craved being hated so I could have people telling me "No don't think like that" or "No you're very good please stop hating yourself." 

It actually felt great inside, but I wasn't aware.

Maybe the thing happened here was because of Love realizations and realizing everything is absolutely fair and perfect. Maybe it was something else.

Do you have this twisted desire for being hated? Are you aware of it?

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