Breath awareness

[Vitamine Water]

Day 47

Yeah, productive day today. Worked on my website and did some other stuff. Ate a XL bag of Doritos in one go bacause I'm a good boy. 

There are too many facets in life it kinda numbs me out. The more I learn the less I know. It really feels like that.

This train is moving so fast everyone just blacks out. Constant stimulation, news feeds, electronics, social stuff, work ethics, politics, stress, burnouts, Facebook, the list goes on. What the fuck are we really doing? So many people around me are stressed, have burnouts, are depressed. We're like ants on steroids. And god I want to help people so bad and Im trying my best to inspire people from what I know, but at the same time I know I'm no authority bacause I realise I'm full of shit too and Im Ignorant of so much. I have to work on myself first to help others. But sometimes I forget to take care of myself and treat myself in the process. I'm so capable of loving but I haven't yet shared it, it needs to come out. Complete the puzzle. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

Day 48-49

I must be careful not to half-ass the breathing exercises. I need to keep my attention and focus so that it doesnt feel like a chore. 

Reformulation of my goal for this challenge: increase overall awareness through breathing exercises. 

[Vitamine Water]

[Vitamine Water]

Day 50

A recap of the last 50 days:

Awareness of breath is slowly increasing. And I mean slowwwly, bacause its very subtle and nuanced. Its a general feeling.

Whenever I become present during non meditative work (washing dishes, painting, showering, licking a dog, whatever) my awareness shifts to my breathing. Specifically the sensations in my lower belly and the rhythm of my breathing. Whereas before, my awareness would focus on awareness (no object). The difference is that im now able to hold that focus longer, because I have an object (breath) to focus my awarenes to. It becomes a focal point. 

Object focus meditation seems to be more effective when I'm doing "regular work". During meditation, I find myself being more comfortable with awareness-awareness. It becomes too much of an effort to focus on my breath, even when I try it very subtly. 

Breathing exercises induce a meditative state, rather quickly. With this I mean, a relaxed body, quiet mind and feeling of presence/being in the moment. With every breath I can sink deeper in the sensations in my body. It's especially noticeable when the exercise is over and I continue with the thing I was doing. My mind is calmer, more focused. I can maintain the awareness, but it usually doesn't last long. 

Belly breathing has become more natural . At first, it felt unnatural. I had to 'force' my belly in and outward. Right now it feels more natural and the breathing is automatic. But the deep breaths still need some more work. 

// What slows the proces down, what can I improve? 

- In order to increase overall awareness, the exercises need more intensity and focus. Meaning, longer duration and commitment. Not only focusing, but actively inquiring into breath: what does is feel like, rhythm, sensations, sounds, etc. I only did this inquiry once but that is not enough. If i want to improve, I have to know experientially what I'm taking about, no mumbo jumbo! (love that word btw). 

- duration: 15 minute minimum (not a strict line, more of a vague abstract border thing . 

- whats definitely holding the progress down is that my focus is scattered. And again, this is not a bad thing, I need to focus on other things too. I just need to find the right balance.

But the more conscious I am, the happier I am. Or, the more conscious the ego is, the happier the ego is. Or, the more conscious consciousness is, the happier consciousness is. fuck. The feeling of being asleep at the wheel makes me uncomfortable. It's the reason I started this whole consciousness and self actualising journey in the first place. To not be on auto pilot, and discover who I am.

- What also makes this process harder is that awareness and breathing is very nuanced. Everyday is different. Some days I'm more energetic, other days I feel a little down and uninspired. And what does it mean when I say: "awareness was good today!" like it's some kind of battle between good or bad. It's not a game. But in order to express it, it's inevitable to talk in duality and relativism. And my mind loves games. Playing the game consciously is key. 

- I will post on here during the day from now on. Normally I would post before bed but often times I'm too zoned out by meditation or I'm too sleepy. I need thoughs to write . I find it's a great therapy anyways, writing. My brain on paper ❤️

Have a good night dear friends! 

???❤️???❤️??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Vitamine Water]

Sharing my current inquiry Conversation with myself. (sounds lonely as fuck by the way lol) Taking myself on a date ?

Why am i meditating right now? What's the point? 

- I want to realise who I am

Who are you? 

- silence. Who's asking? 

- silence. 

Mind comes to figure it out: I'm Wesley, maybe. Well, who's Wesley? 

- body, mind 

OK, am I my hand? 

- no. I am aware of my hand 

Who's aware of my hand? 

- silence 

What is this silence made of? 

- more silence (mind desperately wants to know) 

Absorb in this silence, be this silence. Its where all these questions end. Get used to getting no or nothing for an answer. 

Zoom in forehead/third eye.

"The art is to Look without looking" . (Probs to random unknown you Tube guru) Ive been trying to find the video for a long time. Old guy, soft, wise voice giving a guided meditation. It starts to make more sense as the years go by. 

I will find you.

And I will hug you. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 10, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

The 15 minutes do feel more engaging (instead of 5). It feels less rushed. I'm holding deeper breaths by extending pauses between the breaths. Also sloooooower breathing. Conscious breathing. 

And I notice it's easier to breathe deeper in the belly when all the air is out of my lungs. 

As a side note, there is an increasing urge to go meta while meditating and during these breathing exercises. There is a danger that habits become stale and repetitive, especially meditation in my case. But I've learned to accept it as part of the learning curve. Being on the "plateau" where nothing seems to be happening. That's when you got to push through no matter what and hit yourself with that zen stick ?

 

 

[Vitamine Water]

Busy busy busy. Lots of activities going on, business, social etc. No breathing exercises the last two days.

It's weekend now so back to the practices.

[Vitamine Water]

I was mostly asleep today. Cold shower gave me power and energy but it quickly subsided. I was energyzed, motivated, just not aware. 

It's a slippery slope really. I see how important it is to consistently maintain a habit. But its hard. It's the same thing with sleep: if I change my schedule once, my system gets messed up. For example, I went out this Thursday. Had some fun with friends, barely slept and now it feels like I'm back at square one. 

If I want the momentum that I'm looking for, I have to KEEP FOCUSING!! 

 

 

[Vitamine Water]

Quiet mind = slow belly breathing

Monkey mind = high chest breathing

Deep meditations are almost always accompanied by slow belly breathing. Mind is quiet. When there's lots of thought, awareness is focused on exactly that and breathing is shallow and more in chest area.