Awakening Experience on LSD/N-DMT

[King Merk]

Hello fellow actualizers. I'm happy to be creating my first post on the forum. Here's a recent awakening experience/trip report. 

It all started with fight club… For whatever reason, I've had an intuition for the last few days that I need to watch the movie fight club. I've never seen the movie or even heard much about it considering it came out a few years after my birth. However, it randomly came to me that I need to watch the movie so being the intuitive person I am,  I chose to watch fight club while relaxing at the end of my day. And boy did it strike a chord in me. In fact, it inspired me to do a previously unplanned LSD trip.

It was late at night and I was already quite tired but there was something inside saying "do it, do it, do it". It was a weekend so I decided, fuck it. Looks like I'm tripping on acid tonight. I knew I needed to set some intents behind the trip. Recently I've been struggling with a few major questions. One being what's going on with my food addiction. For years now I've had the habit of being extremely disciplined/rigid with my nutrition and training (I'm 6'4' and 215lbs at around 12% BF) however I'll regularly have these binging episodes 1-2 days per week (typically weekends) of eating literally 10K+ kcal per day. I'll consume copious amounts of wheat and refined sugar, both of which I normally avoid. While I can physically get away with this behavior without gaining much weight, I've noticed the cognitive decline that is coupled with these binging episodes. The brain fog and decrease in my conscious awareness. So it's been a high priority of mine to figure out the root of this "food addiction".

Another intent I had was to contemplate on my life purpose. I've been working in the fitness industry for over 3 years now and decided to take my life in a complete different direction. My last and third question going into the trip is the question of self inquiry. "What am I? Am I the body? Am I the mind? If I'm neither of these things then what's left?"

So, with my intent set, I dropped the tab, put on some binaural beats and began meditating. I sat in my bedroom floor in meditation while contemplating those three questions for the next 4 hours straight. After doing some very deep inner work, I got up to check the time on my phone. This is when I saw that Leo had just dropped a new video on the facets of awakening. I became super hype and immediately clicked on the video (which was a distraction from the self reflection work, I now realize, I just couldn't help myself ). However it was very nice to, in a sense, "pin myself" down as to where I am on my spiritual journey. To see the facets I've touched on directly and the facets that are still mere conceptualization and belief. Then, after finishing the video I got the sudden intuition to smoke some N-DMT. Note: I haven't smoked N-DMT in over a year because the last time I did, my experience included begging and pleading for my life until ultimately surrendering to my own death and meeting/becoming the Godhead. This caused an ego backlash so severe that I was suicidal for the next three days and had to constantly remind myself not to kill myself. I've been weary of returning to the DMT realm to say the least. 

I went out to my truck (I can't smoke in my apartment) and smoked some N-DMT and boy did that give me what I was seeking. I'm quite limited by language here but for the first time in my life, I had an awakening experience. This awakening experience continue to overwhelm me in waves for the next few hours. I've had many non dual and mystic experiences in the past. I've been an avid meditator and psychonaut for the last five years now. I've met what I interpreted to be the Godhead and watched my sense of "self vs other" completely dissolve multiple times. However, these experiences were all fleeting.  I've never embodied an experience like this one. Awakening really is the most accurate word to detail the experience. I feel as if before the experience I could only see a handful of stars and one constalation in the night sky and now I see millions. So many different dots were connected. All of these believes and models that I've been toying around with in my head materialized into my direct experience. I finally understood survival. That the sole purpose of the ego is survival of the self. Not just the physical self as I'd previous thought, but the psychological self image (ego) as well.

What was most shocking to me was I understood the true nature of the mind. I understood self deception on a very, very visceral level. And this is something that unlike my previous mystical experiences, has stuck. I see how the identification with my culture and it's supposed superiority is merely a survival tool. I see how the affinity I have for those close to me, my friends and family, is groundless. And that I only care about them because they benefit my self agenda. I see why I have an addiction to food, socialization, social media, YouTube, relationships, sex, growth/productivity as well as various other distractions because of my aversion to self reflection. To looking within. Before my awakening I felt like I had a grasp on reality. Like I understood things and was a developed, second tier human being. Boy was I disillusioned. I'm a devil. I'm a walking pile of bullshit. I am a self serving deception machine who only cares about his own survival.

If I had to describe my awakening in one word (other than awakening) it would be humbling. When all of this hit me, I literally watched my reality crumble around me. I would fall to the ground, convulsing. I did this on and off for hours. My entire body would start trembling uncontrollably. I would make these random noises and jerky motions with my body. At one point I remember yelling, "I am not (insert my name here)!" repeatedly. It was a living hell. I finally understand the saying "spirituality is a self destruction process". I am at war with myself. Everything makes so much more sense now…

For the first 48 hours after my awakening I had difficulty sleeping. I kept taking notes. Writing down the tens of different ways that I'm falling into traps of self deception. My mind wouldn’t stop. The gears just kept turning and turning. Insight after insight. The intensity of life was overwhelming. I couldn’t look people in the eyes. The connection was too sudden and too deep. I felt as if I was floating. As if I was elevated above my previous state. Which in a way, I suppose I am. It's been a few days since my awakening and I've been able to calm down and acclimate to this higher consciousness state. However, I still catch myself in these deep meditative trances. Especially when I look into nature. I could stare at trees and bushes endlessly in absolute awe.

I don’t want to "do" anything other than sit and watch. I've found it quite hard to will myself to do day to day menial tasks. I've been less "productive" yet I've received more insights and inner growth in the last few days than in the last year. It's the wildest thing. Interestingly, I've also been "brain farting" all over the place. For example, during my workout I put a 25 pound weight on one side of the bar and then a 45 on the other, not realizing it until I went to lift the bar. That’s coming from a guy with a degree in exercise science LOL. I also went to play fetch with my dog and suddenly realized I'd grabbed a doggy treat instead of his tennis ball. I keep catching myself making little "errors" like this all the time. It's kind of scary but so humorous to me when it happens. Has anyone else experienced this during their "acclimation period"? I feel as if I'm going a little crazy.

In conclusion, if there's one thing I know now it's that I still have much inner work to do. I'm still nowhere near enlightened but I've never felt this motivated on my spiritual journey before. My biggest take away from the experience is I'm much too outwardly focused. I need to do more self reflection. Less external distractions. More stillness and silence.

Thx for reading fam(:

[Nak Khid]

No replies after all that ?   You seem to have disrupted your brain chemistry with one of these drugs at least temporarily causing these perception-motor skills errors

[King Merk]

@Nak Khid no errors were made. Everything has unfolded perfectly. The trip I described in this post was one of the most transformational days of my life and I’ve had continuous insight after insight since then. Using Jed McKenna’s verbiage, that experience was my “First Step” towards awakening. I’ve expanded consciously more in the last month than I have in the rest of my life. It’s surreal.  

[ThinAir]

Fascinating report! Really looks like a big step forward.

All best wishes for the integration  further journey!