flume

mood

219 posts in this topic

@Michael569 How kind! Thanks for the feedback! Much love as always ^_^

@SoothedByRain I'm very lucky indeed. Even though I "only" work there and actually live in the city;) Happy it made you subscribe. All the best!


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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@flume Whats your camera flume? Its really good... I really love in your vlog style too. Your enviroment is SO amazing.. beautiful! Cant wait to see more of your video..

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@Manusia I use a Panasonic GX80 with a 14-140 travel lens. Very happy with the camera. The only downside is that it doesn't have a mic input and you can't flip the screen. So not very ideal for vlogging.

Thanks for the kind words :x Much love to you!


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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I talked to my therapist about my eating behaviour the other day. I noticed how difficult it is for me to keep a healthy rhythm when eating lately. The past months, I have the tendency to skip meals, don't remember drinking, not eating enough protein, eating way too many carbs and sugar... This results in my digestion being off, irregular sleeping patterns, mood swings and I suddenly start weighing myself again, smoking cigarettes and just guilting myself a lot. All ED-warning bells are going off. I wondered what I did to fall from grace. What am I not seeing?

My therapist, who knows me so well by now, just told me how obvious it is that I'm craving sugar when I'm working so much. Sooner or later, you gotta compensate somewhere. I first thought it was ridiculous to tie my eating behaviour back to work. But then I reflected for a moment: I'm definitely at work for 50+ hours some weeks. That's a lot. And I still feel like I'm not doing nearly enough.

So I need to pull the breaks on this. I feel guilty though. Some part of me doesn't want to admit that work costs me energy. I'm somehow deeply convinced that, if you love your work, it doesn't feel like work and, by virtue, doesn't cost you energy. I know what that kind of flow feels like, so it definitely exists. Taking a step back, it seems like I'm admitting that I don't love my work.

I project saint-like qualities on people like my boss, who work around the clock and can be there for people with a striking stability.

Matt Kahn has a good way of putting it though: "Don't think about the person you want to be. Think about the person you actually are. There are a lot of us who want to be certain expressions of spiritual perfection. We're already perfect as we are, but there's a certain way we want to be. We read about it and we go 'Oh, I wanna be like that'. And we try to be like that. But is it actually where we're at? Because you have to be honest about where you're at to work through the barriers to be limitless."

I'm super grateful that my therapist drew this connection for me. I'm grateful that I can still go there, all for free. God bless our amazing health care system. It was so satisfying to finally see how these things are connected. Upon coming home I actually felt thirsty for the first time in a while; I was tired on time that evening; I craved healthy meals. My nervous system instantly calmed down it seemed. Just because I finally "got it".

"You have no boundaries", said my therapist. "Whether it's food or work." I wanted to throw something in his face. He has a point though. It's difficult for me to say no to people. It's difficult to take my own needs into consideration. It's difficult to be assertive. These things have gotten a lot(!) better over the years, but there are still times when I loose myself in other peoples needs or in projects without reflecting upon my own state of being first.

My life's journey is really learning how to take good care of myself. I noticed many times that all other things follow this lead. Now I just need to really apply this insight and not fall right back into "too-many-projects-mode". Aww, it's so tempting though.


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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This world will heal through music.

 


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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High on life

2 weeks of vacation ahead of me. The weather is great and I'm quite inspired to get some cool things done: Redecorate my apartment, take an online dance course and some workshops, make a video, research some cool new suff, meet ups, sort through some files, visit family and most importantly of all: spend time with my wonderful man who's visiting me for a few weeks.

We're really enjoying our time together: Visioning, reading, cooking, having sex, ... We also still have some trips (;)) planned. I'm really blown away by this man. His willingness to be straight forward with me and not have any resentment build up between us is inspiring. I've never met anyone who's so willing to look inside, to listen and just build the best life for us. I feel so safe. I definitely wouldn't have had the confidence and self worth for a relationship like this even a year ago. But now, this feels like the healthiest connection I ever encountered. We're taking care of ourselves and one another so well. Openness, trust and intimacy is through the roof; and our sex is a perfect reflection of that. I'm the luckiest girl alive!

Also currently working on my website^_^ I'm in the process of transferring some of my posts from here to there. Ah, I'm excited. I'm glad that websites like squarespace exist. Makes it so easy for a noob like me to create a good looking website. I still need a logo and will have to spend some time thinking about branding. Will use the coming days to write a little bit about me and take some pictures. Cool beans!


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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A wave of pessimism and meaninglessness hit me out of nowhere yesterday. It suddenly seemed like a good idea to just piss my life away, leave it all behind and become a heroin addict. These states don't happen very often, but when they do it's pretty intense and paralysing. Why keep trying to change things? Just to die all the same in the end? I couldn't be more indifferent and cold, which is quite a shocker if you know me at all.

Especially now. Especially with all these things going on in my life. Things just keep working out somehow. I'm in the process of finishing my website, the relationship with my boyfriend is such a source of growth and love in my life and I got a job offer which is new, scary, exciting and probably just the right amount of challenge for me. And that's just the peaks amongst many other different and exciting projects. I'm just happy creating and figuring this life out.

Usually.

So what happened?

Some possibilities come to mind:

Ego backlash: The unraveling of attachments and identifications is definitely an ongoing process. I usually don't do more than a simple 20 minute meditation a day as far as "spiritual practices" go, but things still shift considerably. Meditation has affected my life so much, that I don't even know anymore what my experience of reality was like before I started.

I might be having some kind of "mental illness" like psychoses or... Ok, let's not even keep going with this point. This just feels wrong. What I can say though is that often, I feel like the highest and the lowest emotion are not polar opposites that have a span of emotions between them, but like they're next door neighbours and I'm walking a thin line between them, tipping at any moment.

There might be some childhood trauma coming up related to this new job. I spend a large amount of time thinking about what could potentially go wrong, how I could fail and disappoint people. That's pretty unlike me in other areas of my life, but in my job, this comes up a lot. This job would be asking a whole lot from me and I sometimes doubt whether I'm really ready to handle a responsibility like that. My mom was never shy of pointing out the things I did wrong in my life and I spent so much time "proving" myself. It's an uphill battle that I could never win, because inevitably, something's not perfect and there you are, failing again. I sometimes think I'm doomed to fail. It's just expected of me. And it makes me wanna throw my hands up and go "See. There you have it. You knew it all along. The disappointment I've been all this time. Here it is."

@Nahms new video (check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0l5ChxLFwUw&t=3583s) came just at the right time. It's so cool that he keeps making these, I feel inspired. Seeing his face got me out of the apathy a bit and had me watching for some good pointers: Keeping it light. It's just stuff coming up. Expression is key. I suddenly remembered other good pointers: Letting Go, Everything is here to help you, relaxation is everything,...

Doing a bit of that, the apathy was gone so quickly that it's almost impossible for me to reconcile what really happened. It's probably also not necessary. Just move on, right? Nah. I always need a bit of introspective writing for an experience like this to feel rounded off. I just love writing too much. And I still want to learn what this experience is here to teach me.

 

Will maybe post the writing process later.

I also already decided that I want to join a workshop sometime soon that really goes into early childhood experiences and solving them. Yes, weekly therapy is good, but it's never enough time to really get to the root. And psychedelics are so unpredictable when it comes to things like that. I also really don't feel like taking large doses and putting such a burden on a trip. I think I'm at a point where I just want to enjoy my trips and see what comes up without these serious and heavy intentions.


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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@flume

:$ Appreciate that, thank you. 

I swear… it’s as if you’re a channel, a stream, an unseeable untouchably feelable-flow, which lifts & uplifts by not lifting or uplifting, raises by not arising, floats by not treading. So powerful. An intrinsic inclination of unstoppable goodness so beautiful, honestly, literally… can’t even handle it. It is the very fingers it slips through. 

Responsibility: A belief; in a separate physical self in a separate physical universe. 
Response-ability: How much of this loving goodness can you allow & receive - Now. 
(And there is no not-now)

As you said, relax. Let source give you the ride of a lifetime. It’s this. Now. 


 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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Had an interesting dream the other night. It was about a youtuber I really admire who runs several businesses and has changed the lives of many people. She decided she wanted to really "help people", so she took about 60 people with different "issues" with her to an island. The intention was to "cure" them all.

In the process though, the people she intended to help just got worse and worse. So did she. Everything was going down. The darkness just swallowed everyone up. I kind of was her in the dream and realised that this is not the way to really help people.

It's way more helpful to set up systems that help people help themselves. Or just be an inspiration, an example which will motivate them to live a better life. Such a weight fell off my shoulders when I woke up from that dream.

"How can I really help people?" is a question that has been on the forefront of my mind for months at this point. I'm not very drawn to the classical role of giving advice though. I don't dream of being a teacher or a counsellor. I just wanna be me and do the things I love. That's way more authentic, comes easy to me and seems to lift people up around me already :-) That's also the intention of my website: Being authentic and thereby inspiring others to do the same. Coming soon!!! So excited!


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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22 hours ago, flume said:

I just wanna be me and do the things I love.

Maybe you could be teaching others how to do that as well as a part of your mission. In a non-academic but more gentle, natural approach, whatever that would mean to you. Your content has that sort of effect on me, makes me think about many things I am doing that may not necessarily be serving my values. 


MY WEBSITE  I'm a certified nutritionist & health coach. I help men & women who struggle with chronic health problems, to remember what happy & healthy feels like. 

INSTAGRAM 
 

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To anyone who has ever commented on my journal or has given me any kind of feedback: I love you so much! Thank you. Your support means the world to me :x

May I freaking proudly present my website:

https://the-inward-morning.com

:x


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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1 hour ago, flume said:

To anyone who has ever commented on my journal or has given me any kind of feedback: I love you so much! Thank you. Your support means the world to me :x

May I freaking proudly present my website:

https://the-inward-morning.com

:x

That looks so freaking clean!

How are your photos so good? Were they done professionally?

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13 hours ago, flume said:

To anyone who has ever commented on my journal or has given me any kind of feedback: I love you so much! Thank you. Your support means the world to me :x

May I freaking proudly present my website:

https://the-inward-morning.com

:x

Love and hugs :x

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21 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

That looks so freaking clean!

How are your photos so good? Were they done professionally?

:$ I just took them with my camera. But thanks a ton! 

@Natasha :$


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Congrats on the website that's awesome

Much appreciated! ^_^


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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Everything’s changing

Some of the things going through my head and life atm:

  • I might be changing jobs soon
  • I just found out that my apartment situation might not be secure for a long time anymore
  • My boyfriend and I will be moving in together
  • I might be doing a retreat at the end of this month that could change many things
  • I just had my first threesome
  • Had a pretty intense LSD trip
  • Published my website and have many ideas on expanding it already.

Now cram all of this into one week. I have to say, I'm mostly excited but a bit overwhelmed at times.

The rate at which things are changing is out of this world. I'm at a point where I can't really picture my life a few months from now. I just have no idea what will happen. It's impossible to hold all these events in my mind at the same time. The safest thing to do now is to just throw my hands up and let it all be. I'm here for it and it will work itself out, I'm sure.

So damn much to write about though. Many blog posts in the making.

https://the-inward-morning.com/journal/everythings-changing


My website: The Inward Morning

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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